Friday, March 25, 2011

Twosomes and leftovers

My girlfriend had pushed me to go to a club one Friday night; I was in tremendous pain earlier that evening, suffering from menstrual cramps, curled up in bed waiting for the ibuprofen to kick in and the pain to subside. I had reluctantly agreed, believing this to be a better option to meeting guys than using online dating websites again. I wasn't expecting to meet anyone, but I hoped one night out on the town would give me a much needed boost to my passive temperament.

We got to the doorman who told us it was by reservation only.

Seriously? Who the hell makes a reservation to a club? Come on....


My friend pulled a trick out of her sleeve and quickly began speaking in to me in french.

"Dis-lui que Joe nous a invité, qu'il nous a mises sur la liste." I turned to the bouncer and said "Joe invited us, she said he'd put us on the list" The bouncer looks at us and said "No, I don't know of any Joe..." My friend insisted some more, turning to me and her other friend until the bouncer said "Are you speaking french?" We all said "Yes" as he smiled "Ah, that's sexy. Alright, come on in." We smiled back and thanked him as we walked through the glass doors.

Secret #13- Don't break character, and play the lie

There, we met up with a couple of her other friends, one of which was a downright bitch that I couldn't decode.  She'd been friendly a few days before, but this night, she was rude. She didn't say hi, and completely ignored me. We were at the bar getting drinks, when the bitchy girl got my friend a birthday drink. The server gave my friend an extra drink by mistake, and handed it to me instead, asking if I wanted it. My hands were busy, but unwilling to turn down a free drink (a jaggerbomb, my preference) I told her I would take it. The friend noticed the extra drink and as my friend was handing me the shot, came over and grabbed it in a sweeping motion.

Bitch.

We went outside into the lounge area as they all lit up their fabulous cigarettes and began fabulously sucking on their tar sticks. (I will admit that asking a guy for a light has become the best ice breaker in a bar/club/ lounge.) I remained next to my friend's side, mostly silent for the rest of the night. At one point, with my drink still in my hand, the other friend asked me to watch their purses as they went out to the dance floor together.

Bitch!

I looked at her and didn't say anything. I went out to the restroom, all the while thinking about whether I should just ditch the group and hail a cab home. Not looking where I was going, I walked straight into the men's restroom without realizing. The guy in the urinal looked at me as I looked back at him. I glanced back out to the women's restroom and decided to stay in and use the men's stall.

Secret #21: I use the men's restroom because the lines are shorter.

Once relieved, I walked back out looking for my friend, who had since migrated back outside to the lounge area. She was talking to a guy and his friend, cigarette in hand, laughing. As 2:00 am neared, I decided to wait for her to go home. My friend comes back over to me and says in french "Hey, the blond is coming back home with me. Do you mind?" I really didn't and told her to snag him. Once outside the club, and another 15 minutes spent figuring out how we were going to get home, Noelle made a bold move- the blond and his friend were coming back home with us.

Uh... what?

"Look, can you do the blond? I don't like him all that much, I prefer his friend, the brunet."
"Um, nah, I'm not interested. And I'm on my period. You should try for both though!" I said, trying to egg her on.

The brunet friend drove the four of us home, and Noelle invited both of them in. I was childishly expecting them to actually do karaoke, but was quickly corrected. Noelle flirted with the brunet while the blond played third wheel and I rested on the couch. They laughed until Noelle and the brunet went back into her room and I begin talking to the blond.

"So, do you feel left out?" I asked him.
"No, not really" he responded.
"So you're not mad that she's having sex with your friend when she originally intended to have sex you?" I questionned.
"Nah, it's all cool"
"I hope you're not thinking we're gonna have sex tonight. I'm on my period" I told him.
"So? We can put down a towel, I don't mind" he counteroffered.

I actually can't believe what I'm hearing.

"No thanks" I said.
"Blowjob?" he asked in that sweet, confused voice.
"Ha, no" I shot back.
"Aw come on, why not?" he insisted.
"I'm not in the mood. And tell me, would you really want to have sex with someone who's not really into it? Someone who just lays there?" I explained.
"Yeah, you're right. Ok" he said defeated.

It didn't stop him from making out together though, though most of it just felt blah. The blond wasn't ugly at all, but I wasn't hard up for him. I wasn't the one who had picked him up, and I wasn't in the mood at all. He also told me he'd done cocaine in the bathroom earlier in the club, so trying to keep a conversation with him didn't exactly pan out. He kept forgetting my name and asking me what I did for a living. I decided to have fun and paint his nails instead.

I've always wanted to paint a guy's nails purple

Meanwhile, in the other room, Noelle's moans could be heard through the walls.

I hope the girl's enjoying herself.

The blond told me he was a treasure hunter and was practically living on his dad's money. He invited me back to his apartment that night, saying there'd be enough towels to get dirty there. When I turned down his request to take him home, I suggested he call a cab so he could get home, since he didn't know when his friend the brunet would be done with Noelle. On the line "Yeah I need a cab. For me and....what's her name.... Christina" he said as he looked at me, laughing (not even close to my real name.)

I fell asleep soon after and woke around 7:30 to find both of them gone. When I asked Noelle in the morning what had happened, she said they'd gone home together around 4:00am. She had even taken pictures of us asleep like kids on the couch- on opposite ends of each other. It was pretty funny.

Throughout the day Noelle texted me saying she really liked the brunet and hoped something would come of it. I didn't have the heart to tell her that she'd only been a one-night stand, and the chances of him pursuing a relationship with her were pretty much null. He'd told her  he liked her and had a good time, but looking in, I know all he wanted was sex. Duh. The guy later told her he was going back to Austin for work, and that he didn't actually work here. We researched his company (which is located just down the street from mine, eerie) and found out they indeed had offices in Austin and Houston. He got in, and got out swiftly.

Well played guy.

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