tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-28848236932252151112024-03-13T01:46:44.846-05:00A Survival Guide to Young Adulthood<i>Why wasn't I given a manual on this?</i>RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.comBlogger250125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-43992366940664771532013-01-06T12:39:00.001-06:002013-01-06T12:39:05.561-06:00He met The One, again.As I sat there, with the IT Pilot's profile photo staring right back at me, I felt a sudden rush of blood go through my face. It was official- he had chosen the girl who wouldn't put out, over me. <i>I bet it was a lot easier to decide to stay with her after I had given it to him. I wonder what happened that weekend to make him decide to stay with her, </i>I thought. <i> </i><br />
<br />
I'll admit it, I was furious. I was angry that he'd gotten his cake, and had managed to grab a snack the entire time on the side. I felt used. It was a complete blow to my.... feelings. The IT Pilot had been someone I'd grown attached and attracted to because I hadn't had any connection to anyone else before I met him. I met him with no excess baggage- no other prospects in mind. For an entire year, I'd fallen for him, and wanted him more.<br />
<br />
I decided to continue dating and went back online to OkCupid and POF. I did meet a few guys (who I will talk about in a separate post), but my heart was still bruised. Three months later, I decided to do what any ex-girlfriend would do- Facebook stalk. I had an idea of who the new girl was (through past posts), but I decided to take it one step further and went and stalked his mother. I had hit a low point. I went through her feed, and there <b>I saw it</b>.<br />
<br />
I actually had to read it a couple of times, and the comments that followed just to confirm that it was indeed true.<br />
<br />
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<br />
He was engaged. To her. And the mother was positively radiant about it. I didn't have a reaction about it when I first read it. It took me a long time to let it sink it. I started thinking of things to say if ever I would run into him again, and embarrass the hell out of him- especially since he was dating her when we were having sex. But the opportunity never presented itself, and when I told my friends about what had happened, they all supported me saying that it wouldn't last. They hadn't even been together a year. It had only been a few months.<br />
<br />
I set the thought aside for a while, but about a month later, I went back and looked, and through my google hunt skills, I found the wedding registry, and the wedding date- December 29, 2012.<br />
<br />
<i>Am I reading this right?</i> I thought. <i>December 29? Of THIS year?? As in.... 3 months away??</i><br />
<br />
Knowing<i> </i>him, he'd probably chosen the end of the year for tax purposes. He's smart like that.<br />
<br />
I couldn't believe it. A part of me hoped it wasn't true- that he would come to his senses, break off the wedding because he'd rushed into it. It was always a thought at the back of my mind; I couldn't help it. I even found where the wedding and reception was going to take place, and where they'd be going on their honeymoon. God*mnit Google! Tahiti and New Zealand?! Are you kidding me? Lucky virgin (her).<br />
<br />
So as the months passed on by, I tried my hardest to let it go. His family is very religious, and so is hers, so I knew deep down, they most likely wouldn't call it off, or get divorced any time soon after. I had to learn to live with my missed opportunity, and finally let go. The week before the wedding, I told my friend about it and she suggested I crash it. But I didn't have the guts in me to make it happen. Plus, I had a different reason why I wouldn't bring myself down to that level.<br />
<br />
Someone I met had said to me "don't give anyone who doesn't mean something to you the time of day. If you do, it probably means you still care."<br />
<br />
This much was true- I had to let go for good. RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-84789143752559354342012-10-15T13:28:00.000-05:002012-10-15T13:28:00.635-05:00Fooled me again<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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The IT Pilot appeared on my radar again. It’s as if this
asshole had some kind of homing beacon on me; he kept coming back every few
months, even when we’d both made it clear that it was DONE FOR GOOD. </div>
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<br /></div>
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All of this oftentimes confused me more, scrambled my
feelings, but I knew it wouldn’t happen between us again. He had already played
me dumb three times- and what had President Bush said after the first time?<i> "Fool
me — [pauses] — You can't get fooled again." Maybe he <b>was</b> onto something there. </i></div>
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<i><br /></i></div>
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The IT Pilot and I had gone to play Bingo one night, because that's all we ever really had in common nowadays. However, this time, it was much more different. He admitted to seeing someone, and he felt it was okay to hang out with me (an ex) since she, too, hung out with her exes. So as I sat there at bingo, I realized we probably wouldn't be having sex that night (as had become the norm throughout time).</div>
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Fast forward another month or so, and in May, after too many beers at Bingo (once again) the IT Pilot texted me out of the blue to show me what he was up to. After bingo was done, I asked if I could stop by to meet his new pup (actually, it was a dog he'd shared with an ex a few years back, and had retrieved it once again) and he agreed. I played with his English bulldog for a while (I adore animals) and I came in and we began talking a bit more. I didn't want to hear of his new love interest, but I knew she wasn't putting out. And he admitted that he'd be pulling the plug soon. (He'd also confirmed this through texts.) </div>
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We sat down on his couch and talked more, and all again, the story of "US" came out, and why it hadn't worked out, and why it wouldn't work out, and why it would never happen. However, this didn't stop him from putting the moves on me and undressing me and taking me to his bedroom. We had great sex once again, and a few hours later I left. I didn't hear from him at all that weekend, but it was to be expected, but on Monday, I received a long text from him. </div>
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<br /></div>
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It mentioned that <u><span style="font-size: large;"><b><i>I</i></b></span></u> needed to realize that what had happened that last night was a mistake and that it hadn't worked out between us, and would never work out between us. He wished me all the best, and that he'd never forget me, but it was time to move on. I responded angrily saying that it was his decision to end it. Later that night, I noticed he'd completely removed me from Facebook. Then a few days later, as I updated my contacts, I saw a new profile photo of him..... and her....</div>
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So THAT'S why he deleted me. He wanted to spare me from getting hurt?</div>
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I was bruised, upset, furious, jealous, enraged- all the feelings a woman scorned can experience. </div>
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<br /></div>
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I had been his toy for a year (to the date) and now he was finally getting rid of me to pursue something with someone else. I felt used, and my ego was bruised. I felt stupid for having pursued someone for so long, who obviously didn't want to be with me. </div>
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<br /></div>
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What had I done to deserve such poor treatment? I could understand being used to fulfill a sexual desire when it's agreed by both persons, but to be strung along as well for a year? I vehemently hated this asshole. </div>
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<br /></div>
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But each story has a happy ending. Too bad it was his, and not mine. </div>
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</div>
RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-4974553765952538722012-10-12T13:09:00.000-05:002012-10-12T13:09:00.382-05:00Mr. Endowed and his not-so-humble brother<!--[if gte mso 9]><xml>
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<br />
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I need to take a detour to two other gentlemen I met and dated
between February and May before we get to the really good stuff.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>Mr. Endowed, and his brother “I had to pretend to gag”.</b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
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<u><b>Mr. Endowed:</b></u></div>
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I dated this hot looking blond for roughly a month, and all
we did was have sex. He never bothered to take me out on dates (why would he
buy the cow if he was already getting the milk for free anyway?) He was
incredibly well-endowed, but opposite of Larry, was much more considerate and
gentle when it came to sex. However, after a few weeks on non-stop sex, it
occurred to me that he would only come see me to have sex. We never really
talked or shared anything about each other, and at one point told me that
because he liked me a lot, needed to let me know where his beliefs for God
stood. He was fairly religious and wanted his partner to follow in the same
path. Unfortunately for him, I’m agnostic, and don’t follow any denomination or
religion. Because of this, we probably wouldn’t work out. We ended up splitting
ways soon after, but kept loose contact (and became FWB for a short while
during the summer).</div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkFlRDYpAw7AQhhGnbtJx2YqjShoAEXJAFkM5te1IvyRrOhzqtpl6fOcNKhK4UDXTu_3f_Cu6OwNHDgHwW8PDsAenCAn1We7NNCrdVq0qoj0CQsWLHY8P-tq_Ti7bp__Eg7ezt8TYXskR5/s1600/202_caught-masturbating-too-well-endowed-and-more.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="179" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkFlRDYpAw7AQhhGnbtJx2YqjShoAEXJAFkM5te1IvyRrOhzqtpl6fOcNKhK4UDXTu_3f_Cu6OwNHDgHwW8PDsAenCAn1We7NNCrdVq0qoj0CQsWLHY8P-tq_Ti7bp__Eg7ezt8TYXskR5/s320/202_caught-masturbating-too-well-endowed-and-more.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<u><b>“I had to pretend to gag”:</b></u></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
This was a great guy that I met online as well and had a
wonderful time with. He was a new teacher, and to this day, remains as one of
the best/most fun date I’ve ever had. We went to dinner at this quiet Thai
restaurant near my apartment and had a great conversation, and afterwards went
to a country nightclub (Wild West) where he taught me to line dance. It was so
much fun! Over the next few days, we’d message each other and made plans to
meet a couple more times. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
One night, I managed to make my way over to his apartment
and spend the night after we’d watched a movie. He never made advancements toward
me sexually, but as soon as I removed my bra and lay down beside him, he
expressed an incredible fascination towards them. Mr. Teacher became the
greatest foreplayer in history. He would play and pay attention to my breasts
for hours, all of which was incredibly arousing. However, he said he didn’t
want to have sex because he’d mentioned he’d had bad luck with condoms coming
off before and didn’t want a baby/plan B scare/and was religious. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I reached into his pants and immediately understood why.</div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
His penis was no longer or bigger than my middle finger.
That’s 3”. Erect. Oh. My. God. Whyyy?? This guy was great, outgoing, such a
gentleman, and incredibly sweet. But he wasn’t packing anything more than a
roll of quarters in his pants. I was bummed out, but was actually ready to
forego such a small penis only because I liked him so much. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Then came the heavy petting. Which unfortunately didn’t last
more than 47 seconds. Not only did he have small jewels, but P.E.
(premature ejaculation). He’d bragged about coming over and over, and to be
completely honest, there wasn’t much work on my end to be done. As soon as I’d
touch him, he’d come. I’d give him a few strokes and poof! Done. I had to pretend to gag because his penis never even touched the back of my throat. One morning, I
was able to make him come four times in fifteen minutes! And I only stopped
because I had to go back home, or else he could have kept coming. While it was
exciting to see him come so easily, I couldn’t help but imagine what sex would
be like. And no wonder the condoms always came off. They were too big for him!
He was completely oblivious to the fact that he had a small penis. He swore he
had huge balls. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>No honey, you’re far from having huge balls. I’ve seen <span style="font-size: large;">big
</span>balls. They’re like apricots. You’ve got half a walnut in there. For both
balls. <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span></i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
We stopped dating when I admitted that <a href="http://renrexx.blogspot.com/2010/09/i-have-hsv-1.html" target="_blank">I had HSV-1</a>, or oral
herpes. Unfamiliar with the virus, he immediately stopped kissing me on my lips
and became overly paranoid. I couldn’t help it. He was ignorant, and I couldn’t
do much to help him see it was okay. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
I quickly moved away from both men, not before falling into an old familiar habit. </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>God*mnit. </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-53607803141187142702012-10-11T12:50:00.001-05:002012-10-11T12:50:42.420-05:00Karma, what a bitchA couple of weekends in a row, I had had two disturbing dreams about the IT Pilot. In my dreams, he had been a jerk about our relationship and had strung me along to get what he wanted while he was seeing someone else. <br />
<br />
It's unbelievable, but even in my dreams I get emotionally attacked. I felt the dreams had hit too close to home and it was better to stop thinking about the IT Pilot completely and void myself of any type of sentiments for him. <br />
<br />
Larry was still in the picture, and I was slowly coming to accept him into my life, even though he'd recently become busier all of a sudden. <br />
<br />
I didn't put much thought into it, believing what he'd tell me about being too busy at work, and having to go home after work because of problems with his car, family or work. I'm not one to question everything a guy does, even if it may look suspicious to others because if there is no trust, the relationship won't work. <br />
<br />
Larry happened to get President's day off, and I suggested I take the day off too to spend time together since we hadn't seen each other regularly now that I was spending the weekends at my mom's baby-sitting my younger sisters. <br />
<br />
I had had a gut feeling ever since Valentine's day (which completely blew and wasn't celebrated) and I wanted to check his phone for some proof- any proof- that maybe I wasn't the only one. When he went to take a shower the following day, I went through his phone as quickly as I could and my worst realization came to life.<br />
<br />
<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkdrDNca4y1Bp1DFuCu_doAMHNM7bYVyZ7jRBVcWn9Oxntdcz-yKcGEwAvnsIf6fOGu9ULh0RtQJbv5LlQK2lvDK17cgLFNzBFJNOiczxDbpzIrV-mkBhVE8I40FYWZVJdW0LTpphZDv0R/s1600/woman_texting382x314.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhkdrDNca4y1Bp1DFuCu_doAMHNM7bYVyZ7jRBVcWn9Oxntdcz-yKcGEwAvnsIf6fOGu9ULh0RtQJbv5LlQK2lvDK17cgLFNzBFJNOiczxDbpzIrV-mkBhVE8I40FYWZVJdW0LTpphZDv0R/s1600/woman_texting382x314.jpg" /></a></div>
<br />
<br />
He was flirting with another girl. And it appeared to be someone new. I read as fast as I could and came to find out that the girl was new, they were sharing basic information about each other- the kind that you normally do when you meet someone online- your background, last names etc. <br />
<br />
As soon as he got dressed, I simply asked him "Would you be open to having an open relationship?"<br />
<br />
"What? No! Why do you ask me that?" he asked.<br />
<br />
"Because I know you've been talking to another girl, and from the looks of it, it's too friendly for my taste" I admitted. <br />
<br />
He tried to make me believe that the girl was "just a friend" (<b>Sure</b>, as if we haven't all heard that excuse before), that they knew each other for two years, and he didn't like her. She had been a possibility before I came along, but he wanted to be with me, and would stop talking to her if I wanted it. <br />
<br />
I took it one step further. Without him knowing, I had jotted down her number and sent her a text message asking if she knew who Larry was. <br />
<br />
I wanted him to tell her who I was, and that we would do it together. I also told him if they were just friends, that he should read the text messages with me so as to explain everything while he had the chance. <br />
<br />
He said no to both, and with this, I told him to leave. He was furious and acted like a teenager (which was to be expected) while he packed his things and threw the Valentine's day card I had handed him the night before. <br />
<br />
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>Well that was mature.</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
The chick ended up texting me back a couple of hours later
and told me the truth- that he’d been pursuing her relentlessly, for months,
but that she didn’t want to date someone with a kid or who was a smoker. She’d
also not been completely done with her ex-boyfriend, and wasn’t interested in
Larry. The days following, we exchanged texts about the lies that Larry had
told each of us, and comparing notes. I wasn’t mad about the breakup- but I was
bitter about Larry making me out to be a “psycho” for going through his phone,
and making me sound like a terrible person.<i> </i></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<i>If I was so horrible to him, why didn’t he just leave me
then?</i> </div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
<br /></div>
<div class="MsoNormal">
Truth is, he didn't want to. He wanted to stay with me. But wanted to cheat around as well.</div>
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RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-47917964546647009712012-04-05T06:43:00.000-05:002012-04-05T06:43:00.936-05:00One last trystThings with Larry, the kid, weren't working out at all. Though I had managed to be introduced to his family during the holidays, I knew he wasn't the one. <br />
<br />
Girls have that feeling by instinct. To me, if it's not going to happen, I immediately stop trying. However, if I do sense someone could be "the one", I can't get the idea out of my head- which was exactly what the IT Pilot was for me.<br />
<br />
I had been texting on a daily basis with my friend out in NYC, telling her of my tryst and feelings about the IT Pilot. "He's not right for you" she'd said. "I know, and it gets on my nerves that he could never figure out what he wanted. I gave him his freedom, let him do what he wanted, but it wasn't enough. Thing is, the IT Pilot was <u><b>it</b></u> for me" I told her. "What do you mean?" she asked. <br />
<br />
"Well, he's the guy who I saw possibly marrying. He's husband and father material, Larry isn't. We don't get along, and he's too immature for me, it's aggravating" I told her.<br />
<br />
"You saw the IT Pilot as husband material?'<br />
<br />
"Yes, I do. I know he'd be a great father" I told her. <br />
<br />
But the IT Pilot and I never talked about our last encounter; instead, we'd played the quiet game, pretending nothing had happened. A few weeks into the new year, I asked him how things with the new house were going. He had finally moved in and settled, and was very happy. He suggested I come by for a visit sometime to check out the new house. <br />
<br />
We began flirting, teasingly jabbing at each other. He asked me if I was still seeing Larry, but I dodged it as best I could to stay away from the subject. I finally got the guts to say what had been on my mind for quite some time. We'd always agreed that sex between us was great, but to me, it had been the greatest I'd ever had.<br />
<br />
Ren: I have a question<br />
IT: k?<br />
Ren: Was the sex really that good, or was that my imagination?<br />
IT: The sex was really really good... the best actually.<br />
<br />
<i>At least I have some affirmation there. </i><br />
<br />
Ren: Which position did you prefer? You on top or me on top?<br />
IT: Both, but you on top.. I like how you move up and down. I feel more. But I like being on top and making you come. I love to make you scream.<br />
Ren: Both position surprisingly for me.<br />
IT: Really... I thought you liked me on top. I didn't think you liked to be on top.<br />
Ren: I liked making you come when I was on top (but I can't remember if I did)- but I could only orgasm with you pounding. <br />
IT: I think maybe once.... you wanna practice :-p Oh I love it when you come. Wow...<br />
<br />
I could feel the hair at the back of my neck standing up. <br />
<br />
Just like the month before, we had made plans to meet again, this time for me to visit his new home after we finished playing bingo on Thursday night. I showed up there earlier and we took our seats and made small talk. Soon enough, the beer made its way into our bodies and we started flirting endlessly. I tried my hardest not to make certain advances and didn't touch him inappropriately as I'd done countless times before during bingo. However, at one point during the night, the beer had made me increasingly chipper and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He responded shortly after by putting his arm around me and leaning me into him as he kissed me on my head... to which I heard him breathing in deeply. <br />
<br />
By the end of the night, we made our way back to his new home, about 5 blocks away from the bingo hall. He guided me in and gave me the grand tour. It was a beautiful 3 story town-home. The first level had the master bedroom and bath, the second level had the kitchen, living room, and approximately 30 feet ceilings, and the third floor had two extra bedrooms and bathroom. It was eerily quiet and simply organized. The IT Pilot was a minimalist, and didn't have much decor to add to his environment. <br />
<br />
We came back downstairs to his bedroom and I gave him his housewarming gift- a bottle of Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon, one of his preferred wines.<br />
<br />
"Cabernet? Wow, that's great. Thank you" he said. <br />
"I know, I remembered you liked it" I added. <br />
<br />
He pulled me into him and hugged me tightly, to which I became overwhelmed with confusion, urges, and feelings. <br />
<br />
"What are you doing? What are WE doing? You need to let me go, let me move on" I told him. <br />
"YOU let me go" he said in a drunken state.<br />
"I did! You gave me my closure last month; You told me it wouldn't happen, and to let you go, so I did! Then you start talking to me again, and here we are" I said to him. "You need to quit me."<br />
"I can't" he said, as he burrowed his head into my chest.<br />
"Quit me" I said once more.<br />
"I can't!" he said again. <br />
<br />
We laid back into bed, getting ready to fall asleep when we got on the topic once more of why things had ended. We talked. A lot. It was definitely a lot easier with a lot of beer beforehand. Neither one of us really held back or had a filter. I really had nothing to lose.<br />
<br />
I pushed for it telling him to quit me, to let me go, and he kept saying he couldn't- that he ended up missing me and would text me because he cared. Hell, I thought about him too, but I didn't text because I was pretty much convinced that I'd reached my closure. I don't think it's a good idea to date him right now. I mean, yes, I liked him. A LOT. But each time we broke up, a bigger piece of my heart died out. <br />
<br />
"I felt like you were hiding something from me. I was walking on eggshells around you" he said. <br />
<br />
As soon as I heard him say this, I let out a shocked gasp. Just days before, I had been texting my friend and telling her of my feelings for the IT Pilot.<br />
<br />
"I think we didn't last because my guard was completely up. I always went with the reasoning that we were both too proud, both had our walls up, and neither one of us was able to communicate efficiently. That's why we didn't work out. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I felt he would leave me" I had said to her. <br />
<br />
"Eggshells? Really? You know what's funny, is that's exactly what I told Shann on how I felt about you" I told him.<br />
<br />
I couldn't believe it. Somewhere in that mind of his, we had shared the same feelings for one another, but never attempted to share it out loud. We were too afraid to come clean, and admit that we cared for the other. <br />
<br />
At the end of the night, it wouldn't work. Our time wasn't now, and it wouldn't be any time soon. We laid in bed and held each other. We had one last tryst, and the next morning, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye as I left for work.<br />
<br />
The next day, I left to NYC to visit my friend Shann for a few days, and the IT Pilot and I managed to get a few texts in here and there, him mainly checking up on me to see that I'd made it there okay. <br />
<br />
Even though I cared immensely for him, I had to let him go. Even though things with Larry weren't working to my expectations, I realized the reason being was that I wasn't giving him my full attention, seeing as to how my mind was drifting off to someone else. It was time to move on. Larry had persisted to great lengths to be with me, and I felt I owed him the chance to try to see if something could work between us. So I did.<br />
<br />
But it backfired.RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-39183041554404276932012-04-03T06:44:00.000-05:002012-04-04T20:14:21.317-05:00I can't feel a thingAs soon as the IT Pilot and I began to have sex, something felt different. I would have
thought maybe all the alcohol we'd had earlier in the night played a big factor, but after careful
thought, I realized that no, it wasn't that. <br />
<br />
I could hardly feel him in me. <br />
<br />
<i>F*ckkkk!!!!</i><br />
<br />
Larry who was much larger than the IT Pilot had quite possibly
stretched me out, and the feel of the IT Pilot's penis in me was quite
different now. <br />
<br />
I was pissed.<br />
<br />
<i>This is karma, somehow,</i> I thought.<br />
<br />
It took a long time for me to reach orgasm with him; Larry had
officially ruined sex for me and the IT Pilot. Sex between us had been
the best thing I'd ever experienced, and the size had never been a
problem (I'd actually enjoyed it because I didn't experience too much
pain), but sex was now entirely disappointing. <br />
<br />
Wait.... If I can hardly feel him... does that mean that [gasp] I feel looser to him too?<br />
<br />
I didn't dare say anything to embarrass him or myself from our sexual tryst, but I was saddened by the situation. <br />
<br />
We both came to orgasm together, and soon after fell asleep. The next
morning, we laid in bed together, as I stared up at the ceiling
rethinking the events of the previous night. The IT Pilot couldn't keep
his hands off of me, and it was beginning to smother me. He held me the
entire morning, caressing me, running his fingers through my hair and
kissing me. A while later, he decided to go with a repeat performance,
something that shocked me, considering we'd never had morning sex (it's
not my thing) after evening sex.<br />
<br />
I was hoping the alcohol had worn off and that things would feel
different the second time around- except they didn't. I could hardly
feel him in me once again. <br />
<br />
I was embarrassed for the both of us. <br />
<br />
We went out to Pei Wei soon after for lunch, and had that awkward
silence during our meal. Even though we'd had a good sexual chemistry
before and got along great, things were very different now that we
weren't together. The only thing I really talk about when I'm with
friends is guys and work- and with him, I could only discuss one
topic.... and that was rather short. <br />
<br />
Around 6:00 p.m. I decided it was time for me to retreat on home. Since
I didn't have extra clothes with me, and had been wearing a miniskirt
and pantyhose from the night before, I had to borrow a pair of sweats
and a t-shirt from his closet. This meant I'd have to see him again to
return his clothes sometime in the future.<br />
<br />
<i>I wonder what's going to happen then....</i> I thought.RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-40791434263902411112012-04-01T06:35:00.000-05:002012-04-01T06:35:00.728-05:00Drinks with the IT PilotThe IT Pilot and I had been incommunicado ever since our last phone call before Halloween which had resulted in our breakup. Around Thanksgiving, I sent him a friendly text message wishing him a Happy Turkey Day, knowing he'd be couped up with his family in Alabama. He responded, and we exchanged a few friendly words, but nothing more. <br /><br />The next month, in mid-December, we communicated again and flirted the entire night through texts. It was a side of him I'd never seen, a side which had left my interest piqued. I didn't mention anything about dating Larry, and he told me I was still the last person he'd been with, and hadn't found anyone to date even though he was still on OkCupid. I had expressed confusion about how our relationship had ended, and had asked him to tell me point-blank that it was over so that I could move on. He asked me to tell him why I needed him to say it, and I answered "Because if I don't hear it from you, then I'll never know it's over."<br /><br />"Yeah, let's move on. I've sort of been stuck in the mud too. It won't work" he replied. <br /><br />However, we agreed to meet for drinks on Friday night after my department's Holiday Dinner to "talk", something which confused me even more.<br /><br />I was dressed to the nines from my work dinner, and promptly drove over to his apartment to meet afterward. He drove us out to a bar in the university village area nearby, and for the first time ever, we had drinks and listened to a live band play. <br /><br />"See, this is fun. Why couldn't we ever do this when we were together?" I asked.<br />"Yeah, you're right. I don't know" he answered. <br /><br />We had always been confined to his apartment while we dated, and this was partly the reason why I felt so unhappy. I wanted to go out and experience new things with him, but he was so adamant about leaving the house, that we never went out more than a handful of times for the five months we dated... on and off...<br /><br />As we drank and listened to the band play, he told me he had finally settled on a house, and it was currently in escrow. If everything went well, he'd be closing in a few days before Christmas and moving in soon after. When he told me where it was located, my heart skipped a beat- "It's really close to your work, you would have a short commute" he said. It was 3 miles down. I almost cried. <br /><br />He asked me if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied "Sort of, but it's not really working out"<br /><br />"Why not?" he asked.<br />"Because he's younger and very immature. He has a son, is a smoker and isn't good in bed. But he's incredibly beautiful. Tall, blond hair, green eyes. " I mentioned. <br />"What does he do?" he continued.<br />"He works for National Oilwell Varco and is a commissioner for the oil rigs" I added.<br />"NOV? They're one of our clients" he added.<br /><br />As soon as I heard this, I shut up. I didn't want to give more info about Larry in case they did business together; that would have been awkward. <br /><br />"But I really don't want to talk about him, and I don't want to hear about your girls either" I pressed.<br />"Why not?" he asked.<br />"Because I'll be jealous" I said.<br />"You don't think I'm jealous of this guy?" he asked.<br />"No" I said.<br />"Well I am. Why do you think I keep asking about him?" he added.<br /><br />And with that, we continued drinking our beers, flirting endlessly, until suddenly, he pulled me in and kissed me. His aroma came over me like a wave; I was intoxicated with his scent. I could smell his skin pressed against my face, his tongue in my mouth, as I ran my fingers through his hair. I was completely and immediately absorbed in the moment, locked in a passionate kiss with my ex. I knew I should pull back, but I couldn't bring myself to.<br /><br />Soon after, we went back to his place and immediately rushed into bed together. I was excited for what was about to come next since the IT Pilot had been the best sex I'd ever had. He could make me orgasm on command.<br /><br />Except it didn't quite work out that way.....<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-486169528637156672012-03-30T06:25:00.000-05:002012-03-30T06:25:00.083-05:00The new kid on the blockLarry was 23, had a 6-year son, and was a smoker. All red flags, but was so wise with his words that I was smitten. His profile picture made him look shy/cute, and I needed to meet someone with the hopes of getting over the IT Pilot.<br /><br />We met for bingo on a Thursday night, and at almost 6'3", his long blond hair and green eyes instantly caught my attention. Picture the middle brother of the Hanson band. Exact replica.<br />
<br />
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<br />
We had a fun time at bingo, shared two pitchers of beers and cheap food, and by 10:00 p.m., decided to head over to the next bar/pub creek down the street. <br /><br /><i>Bad idea. </i><br /><br />By then, I was drunk and not in the greatest state of mind. I had been texting my friend in NYC when I caught myself thinking about the IT Pilot. <br /><br /><b>Ren:</b> I miss the IT Pilot<br /><b>Shann:</b> Whyyy??<b><br />Ren:</b> Because Bingo was our hang out spot. And I've been drinking and am emotional right now.<br /><b>Shann:</b> Bingo was OUR thing. Forget about the IT Pilot. He's bad for you.<br /><br />As soon as I realized what I was texting, I slowly felt my nose tingling and my eyes welling up. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I excused myself, and walked quickly to the restroom to contain the waterworks.<br /><br />When I came back about ten minutes later, Larry asked me if everything was ok. I lied and said I was, all while the IT Pilot kept riding my mind. <i>I can't believe it- he's actually ruining this good date for me. Why can't I get over him? </i>I thought. <br /><br />Larry was a great conversationalist and tried his hardest to make me laugh even though he could tell something was wrong with me. A couple of hours later, Larry said "I don't think I'll be able to make it home tonight. I'm pretty drunk. Is it okay if I come home with you?"<br /><br />Not feeling the best out of this date, and assuming it wouldn't go anywhere between us- and drunk as well- I agreed to let him stay at my place, where he could sleep on the couch. <br /><br />Once we arrived at home, I felt the need to take a shower to get rid of the stickiness that is Houston humidity. While at the bar, I had been constantly texting my friends about the date as it unfolded, and had left my phone on my dresser. When I came back from my shower, Larry was in the dark in the living room getting ready to go to sleep. He was incredibly quiet and as I said good night, I checked my phone and noticed I had new texts that had already been opened. <br /><br /><i>He went through my phone! WELL F*CK. </i><br /><br />I confronted Larry about it, and he admitted to going through my phone, saying he didn't appreciate me talking shit about someone I'd just met to people. I honestly can't recall what he read, but if memory serves me right, it could have been one of two things: 1) I had mentioned to one friend that he didn't want to take an STD test because it was a waste of money and knew he was clean and 2) I had told my other friend how much I still missed the IT Pilot.<br /><br />Frankly, I didn't know which one was worse. <br /><br />But I was drunk, and I didn't care about it or him to be honest, and wasn't going to lose sleep over it. So I did what any smart girl would do in a tense situation like this- I had sex with him to shut him up. <br /><br />Surprisingly, this kid was packing more ammo than I'd ever need in my life. It was the biggest penis I'd ever seen. No contest. I felt slightly scared by the pain I may experience during and a couple of days following the act.<br /><br />We tried, and he managed to get off rather quickly, leaving me tired, but unfulfilled. With that much ammo, he surely doesn't know how to handle the gun. <i>Well this sucked!</i><br /><br />We both fell asleep shortly after, and split ways the following morning to go to work. <br /><br />Larry didn't pull the disappearing act, and he continued texting me continuously throughout the day, and for the days following. He came over every other day to see me, and told me he'd told his co-workers that he'd met a woman, and that she was his girlfriend. <br /><br />I suddenly felt myself being suffocated. <br /><br /><i>Girlfriend? We JUST met. </i><br /><br />
<div style="text-align: center;">
<b><span style="color: red;">Question: </span></b>Why is it that women crave the attention from a guy they like, but when they receive it in abundance almost immediately without much effort, it scares them?<br /><br /><b><span style="color: #38761d;">Answer:</span></b> Because there was no chase, and it happened too quickly. </div>
<br />I felt smothered by Larry. I would have been over the moon had the IT Pilot expressed a fraction of Larry's eagerness towards me, but in Larry's case, it was just too much, too soon. Just like his penis and orgasms.<br /><br />Larry couldn't make me orgasm- he was lazy in bed and would make me do most of the work. He would pump a few times, but quickly run out of breath; he had no stamina and couldn't keep up. Although he was lean, and had a beautiful body, he had no energy. He didn't work out and would be outdone with 30 seconds of cardio.<br /><br />The more I became dissatisfied with sex between Larry and I, the more I began to feel that the relationship wouldn't last. Not only was the sex mediocre, but we constantly argued. He loved to pick fights with me, acted so immature it was frustrating. I told him repeatedly that I needed someone on the same level, and that he was too hyper and had too much energy for me. I couldn't handle him- it was like literally dealing with a 17 year old. He made jokes about everything, I couldn't hold a serious conversation with him, and the only time I actually saw myself getting along was when he was completely calm due to a hangover or being sick.<br /><br />I was at my wits' ends, and tried to end things numerous times. I pushed him away on a weekly basis, but he was so persistent, that he always came back and said he wanted to make it work because he cared. <br /><br />And that's when the IT Pilot popped up back into the picture. <br /><br />F*ck. <i>Again?!</i><br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-83139774990500497682012-03-28T06:22:00.000-05:002012-03-28T06:22:00.284-05:00Walking awayI wish I could be strong to just chuck everything out and not have to think twice about it. I really wish he would have left me alone the last time, and that he never would have asked me to try again because I honestly felt better again and the breakup had been easier to deal with. But I ended up falling for the things he told me and I so wanted someone to like me and I didn't want to leave familiar ground. <br /><br />It was another big mistake and I felt myself starting to regret it now because I was having a hard time standing up for what I truly felt.<br /><br />Halloween weekend came.... and the IT Pilot pulled the silent card again. We usually spent the weekends together, and I would go to his apartment after work on Fridays and stay through unti Monday, except this time, neither one of made an effort. I stayed quiet and never heard from him. Rocky Horror came and went, and on Sunday afternoon, after three days of no contact, I finally called him to ask what was going on. He acted cold, and mentioned nothing of our silent treatment for one another. When I asked if he wanted company for the day, he mentioned that he would be busy playing video games, but that I could come over to play as well. <br /><br />"On what computer?" I asked, knowing full well he didn't have another one available to play together.<br /><br />"I don't know" he answered.<br /><br />"Then why ask me to come over?" I questioned.<br /><br />"Oook, well I'm gonna go-" he said<br /><br />At the sound of this, I hung up without even saying good bye. <br /><br />I knew it was over. I immediately went to Facebook and deleted him from my friends. Per our previous discussion, he knew that if we broke up one more time, I would delete him from my phone and my Facebook, and would not attempt to contact him again. True to my words, I erased everything.<br /><br />I can't remember how I handled the breakup, but experience tells me that I took it hard. I probably cried, called my friend to fill her in, and slept it off for a day. <br /><br />The one man that I wanted didn't want to make it work. He had commitment issues, and was afraid of having a serious relationship with me. It was a bust. <br /><br />The IT Pilot and I didn't speak again, and this time, he didn't come back either. Two weeks later, I went on a date with someone else, but the entire time, the IT Pilot was on my mind, and I was unable to give my full attention to the new person. Enter: Larry.<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-70999588752011703652012-03-26T06:17:00.000-05:002012-03-26T06:17:00.130-05:00Where is the love?I felt things were possibly advancing positively with the IT Pilot, but before I could get too comfortable, the inevitable fear came upon me once again. Three weeks in, and I could sense the end was near. <br />
<br />
I stopped by his apartment one evening after work because I was in his area shopping. I told him I had a screening pass to a movie and asked him if he wanted to go see it and he flat out told me "I don't think so."<br />
<br />
It rubbed me the wrong way. I could understand that he may not want to see that particular movie, but it felt awfully rude. I thought he was joking so I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yeah" <br />
<br />
While we were getting ready to eat dinner, he asked me what we should watch and I said "How about Modern family?" and he said "No I'm not going to watch that. How about Wilfred?"<br />
<br />
<i>Dick!</i><br />
<br />
It made me incredibly quiet and unhappy. Why ask me if you're going to decide for me? I should have just walked out. It didn't even feel like a compromise and I was really bothered. I started thinking about it as I was just sitting there zoning out. <br />
<br />
I made the mistake of running my mouth to one of my coworkers about dating this guy on and off for 5 months now and how it wasn't leading up to any good. I got more depressed when things didn't go my way- when he couldn't make me happy because he was selfish. Most of the time it's what he wanted to do, which was to stay home and do nothing- watch tv shows, HIS tv shows. <br />
Then I started thinking about whether I was being unrealistic or demanding because I required too much attention and his schedule couldn't give me that. I know it's supposed to be a compromise somewhere in there, but whenever things didn't make me happy I thought that it wasn't fair. <br />
<br />
Then my coworker mentioned that if my guy was always stressed, he should look at hanging out with me as an opportunity to get away from what was stressing him.<br />
<br />
I wasn't happy.... and I felt that it was probably best for my sanity to move on. <br />
<br />
Our relationship would start off very upbeat and exciting and then a short while later, approximately a month or so in, it would hit another snag and I became really depressed and very unhappy. It was a weird wave motion. A bad roller-coaster. Almost as if he was getting cold feet each time. <br />
<br />
I wasn't sure that it would get better. I didn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him because I was more unhappy than content. <br />
<br />
What was wrong with me? I felt so disillusioned. What would it take to make me feel that sense of euphoria again? <br />
<br />
I was tempted to see how the Halloween weekend would go by. He said he'd come with me to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but even then it almost felt like he wasn't too into it anymore. I felt that Halloween weekend may be the last one we'd spend together, and I was hoping I'd be the one who ended it this time.RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-19743378457376259042012-03-25T17:51:00.003-05:002012-03-26T08:49:15.383-05:00Part IIIAgainst better judgment, I went back for more and began dating again. I was completely smitten with the IT Pilot; I didn't know how to explain it, I didn't know what it was, but I was drawn to him in such a powerful way that even though I was always on my toes, he was an addiction, a drug I couldn't quit. <br />
<br />
He followed through with his promise and begin texting me without fail every single day to check in on me. I'll admit it was a very sudden change which I can honestly say caught me completely by surprise. <br />
<br />
<i>It's proven that a simple text good morning can make a girl's day better. </i><br />
<br />
The following week, he went in for an endoscopic procedure to diagnose his frequent heartburn episodes. His roommate/best friend/employee took care of him by taking him into the clinic and bringing him back home, but I had promised him to stop by later that evening to check up on him. The anesthesia had worn off, but I made sure to care for him as gently as possible. He seemed happy, and although there was much more that I wanted to share with him, my feelings were kept under wraps, for fear of disillusionment. <br />
<br />
A few days later, I received a beautiful surprise at work. A flower delivery with my favorite flowers (daisies) and a chick as a holder; Birds are my favorite animals, and I've been raising wild ones since I was a kid. The note read <b><i style="color: red;">"You may be out of sight, but never out of mind. Bubs"</i></b> <b style="color: blue;">Bubs</b> was my term of endearment for the IT Pilot.<br />
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<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrb8Tmn0JFqIekGf_DDqBLIDCdBw7YkACy4rmQ0jfvELjDo0C6CdJQW5TK4ZimdHP5uJyV0T79MiW0vCyfSNENES30WYb6x2owxGktUaqbMUBjacHBtc-xiufpJoYicyi5xtT2NZpDdJTo/s1600/duck.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="400" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgrb8Tmn0JFqIekGf_DDqBLIDCdBw7YkACy4rmQ0jfvELjDo0C6CdJQW5TK4ZimdHP5uJyV0T79MiW0vCyfSNENES30WYb6x2owxGktUaqbMUBjacHBtc-xiufpJoYicyi5xtT2NZpDdJTo/s400/duck.JPG" width="298" /></a></div><br />
The gesture had touched me deeply, and I was for one led to believe things could change this<b> third</b> time around. <br />
<br />
I was wrong....RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-55290471238689270512012-03-21T03:51:00.002-05:002012-03-21T03:51:00.194-05:00There is no "click"<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Ren: </b>Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Ozzie:</b> Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Ren: </b>WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Ozzie:</b> So are you gonna respond?</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Ren: </b>Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><b>Ozzie:</b> How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??</span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex <b>could </b>definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end. </span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.</span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t <strong>‘click’</strong>.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt <em>I </em>wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me <strong>then</strong>? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.” </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with <b style="mso-bidi-font-weight: normal;">me</b>- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because <strong>you don’t know</strong> what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. <strong><u>WTF?</u></strong> He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello." <span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> </span>A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you <u>didn’t</u>. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.<span style="mso-spacerun: yes;"> "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him. </span></span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do. </span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Calibri;"><span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><strong>I'm <span style="font-size: large;">scared.</span></strong> Can you blame me?</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;">Part III began immediately. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"> </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Times, "Times New Roman", serif;"><br /></span>RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-51236985727111508332012-03-19T03:30:00.000-05:002012-03-19T03:30:01.450-05:00Sebastian incarnateWhile going through the notions of my breakup of the IT Pilot, someone unexpectedly showed up on my radar again. <br /><br />My <a href="http://renrexx.blogspot.com/2010/09/knowing-youve-moved-on.html">ex-boyfriend Sebastian. </a><br /><br />We
had dated for exactly a year, had even managed to visit Europe a
couple of years earlier, and got along splendidly well- for "friends."<br /><br />Coming
in hot from his divorce, Sebastian was just never going to settle down
with me- he didn't believe in long term, and after countless
discussions, I had realized too late that he had stayed with me for a
year simply out of selfish reasons- he didn't want to be alone.<br />
<br />
A year and a half later, Sebastian called me for the first time and we managed to stay glued to the phone for almost two hours. It felt incredibly familiar to what we'd shared during our relationship. The teasing, the playfulness, the easiness of talking to someone who could make you laugh and understood your sarcasm. <br />
<br />
He began telling me of his current situation to try to offset my current sadness of my breakup with the IT Pilot: He
had a girlfriend for a few months, from Houston, and even though he had
moved back to California a few months before, he had stayed in this
"relatioship" with the girl. She had moved to Ohio to be with her
family because her father had died recently.<span><br class="yui-cursor" /></span><br />
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She came
to visit him in San Francisco for a few weeks and he told me the most shocking
news of all: she's pregnant. I knew Sebastian, and I knew that nothing
would put him over the moon more than to know that his girlfriend was
expecting- that is unless it was the current girl he was with. He told
me he was actually trying to convince her not to have it because he had
planned on breaking up with her before he found out. He told me she had
an attitude problem and didn't see himself raising a child with her. </div>
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I'm like
"Well shit, good luck on that. I always thought you wanted to be a dad.
Don't tell her now that you want to end it cause she may use it against
you and have the baby just out of spite. Would you have told me to
lose it if I had gotten pregnant too?"</div>
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He said
"Oh no. I know you would have made a good mom. I just don't want to
have it with her and I can't see myself married to her for 18 years."</div>
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A few weeks later I found out that he had paid for his girlfriend to have the abortion afterall, and a part of me lost some respect for him. It just so had happened that he had gotten three girls pregnant in his life time (all while on birth control) and each girl had mysteriously not had a baby because he didn't think it was the right time. Two had had miscarriages, and the latest had the abortion. </div>
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Even though we'd both moved on and got along great, I sincerely hoped that Karma would one day pay him a visit and not grant him children. I don't think he deserved them for what he had done to women throughout his life.</div>
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Yes, I had become a bitter woman. </div>
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</div>RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-14985981799793640302012-03-17T03:22:00.015-05:002012-03-17T03:22:00.031-05:00Sex after the breakupThings got hot and heavy very quickly with the IT Pilot, and before we
knew it, we were in full thrust, having sex. Well, okay, so we <i>knew</i>
what we were doing because obviously before it went any further, we had
to stop to get the condom on, but just bear with me while I tell the
story. <br />
<br />
I could remember telling him that I would miss having
him, that I would miss the sex, and his scent. (Weird? Oh well, it's
the pheromones) <br />
<br />
To this day, it's the most memorable sex
session I've ever had because of how caught up in the moment we both
were and how unplanned the entire thing had been.<br />
<br />
<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE3Sgxg7BC87hZwMaauVGgJYcs2AawBlsORqEk8Ptme1cNqRrW_Juj5xig_GleMeJp67ZIppApNIAtxSDonS1Qj1T6n0ppmgv9a67H0kFjeFyIErHFDReJ0KRAlxERxz8JxBcAmS_zEnAc/s1600/embrace.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="238" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgE3Sgxg7BC87hZwMaauVGgJYcs2AawBlsORqEk8Ptme1cNqRrW_Juj5xig_GleMeJp67ZIppApNIAtxSDonS1Qj1T6n0ppmgv9a67H0kFjeFyIErHFDReJ0KRAlxERxz8JxBcAmS_zEnAc/s320/embrace.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
<br />
Once we both orgasmed, we just sort of looked at each other and he asked "what now?"<br />
"Nothing now, you're still set in your ways" I responded. <br />
"Well that was weird. I've never broken up with someone and has sex with them right afterward" he said. <br />
"Me either" I confirmed. <br />
<br />
We
continued talking and he told me that he didn't know what he wanted. He
had met me "at the wrong time", but knew that there "wasn't enough
between us", and didn't I see it too that it "wasn't going to work out?"<br />
<br />
Ozzie
tried to reassure me that I was better off. I needed someone who
thought of me and made an effort to contact me and respond to me, not
some guy that was gradually trying to distance himself instead of
telling me how he really felt. "That's being a pussy" he said. <br />
<br />
The
IT Pilot was out of the picture again, and I could say I somewhat felt
better at that exact moment. I knew he was gone for good, out of my emotional life.
Maybe I just needed one last round of sex for closure to move on.RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-17518662461077701622012-03-15T03:51:00.004-05:002012-03-15T03:51:00.887-05:00Sometimes you need tough loveDuring my difficult roller coaster of emotions with the IT Pilot, my pen pal Ozzie was ever so present to lend out an ear. For someone who already had a girlfriend, he sure seemed interested in helping me make the right decisions for myself. Even if he was at times harsh and a jerk. <br />
<br />
<i> Sometimes you need tough love. </i><br />
<br />
A few days of silence between the IT Pilot and I told me everything I needed to know. It was over, and I was going to have to make that phone call to confirm it. <br />
<br />
I called him and he said the same thing as before- he didn't see it going long term with me. He said I was a good person and he still wanted to be friends and hang out, but didn't see it going past that. <br />
<i><br /></i><br />
<i>Why the f*** do guys do that??</i><br />
<i>Oh, to fuck with us. Literally and figuratively. </i><br />
<br />
I broke down and called my girlfriend bawling my eyes out. I felt so alone. There was no one to turn to. I had no support group and it was becoming so hard to remain optimistic when things went badly. When would I find my happiness? <br />
<br />
I couldn't face work the next day and called my boss to say I wouldn't be coming in. Instead, I called <a href="http://renrexx.blogspot.com/2011/04/wheres-condom.html">Matt, The Marine</a>, an ever reliable FWB that I'd met the previous year. <br />
<br />
The Marine offered to come by, and I told him I wasn't a pretty sight to see. I had been crying all evening, and my eyes were bloodshot, and I had no intentions of sleeping with him. I told me he didn't expect anything from me, but that he could come regardless (no pun intended) if I wanted the company. <br />
<br />
So I accepted his offer and he drove almost an hour to spend time with me. I had rented four movies that night to help me get through the breakup and keep my mind busy on something else. A few hours later, my marine showed up and I flung my arms around him tightly to try to control my tears. <br />
<br />
We watched two movies that night and around 5:00 a.m, a storm came in and forced him to stay the night. <br />
<br />
<i> Well played Mother Nature.... well played. </i><br />
<br />
The Marine and I slowly began making out and retreated back into my bedroom where we got into bed and, well..... You can guess what happened next. <br />
<br />
<div style="color: red;">
<b><span style="background-color: black;">!!REBOUND SEX!!</span> </b></div>
<br />
Though it was nothing that I was expecting, and no feelings were involved, The Marine had stayed behind for me, to console as a "nice friend." <br />
<br />
The next morning, I grew restless laying in bed with The Marine sleeping next to me. I woke up around 11:00 am and continued watching my movies while he continued sleeping. Around 3:00 pm, I simply couldn't take it anymore. He had to leave. The IT pilot was set to come by after work around 5:30 to pick up his stuff, and I needed The Marine to GTFO, like, right <b> now. </b><br />
<br />
A couple of hours later, the IT pilot knocked on my door with my things in his hands. My swollen eyes had reduced almost completely, but he could tell that I wasn't doing too well. <br />
<br />
"Did you go to work today?" he asked. <br />
"No, I stayed home. I rented movies and just watched everything" I said as he turned around to see the four DVD cases on the floor. <br />
<br />
He sighed and said "Please don't miss work because of me."<br />
"I don't plan to anymore, I'm going back tomorrow" I reassured him. <br />
<br />
I quickly glanced into the bag of things he had brought me and noticed some things were missing. <br />
<br />
"You forgot my board game" I said. <br />
"Oh shit. Where was it?" he asked. <br />
"In your living room" I responsed. <br />
"Ok, I'll get it to you next time" he replied. <br />
"No rush. It can wait" I reassured him. I wasn't ready to see him anytime soon. <br />
<br />
I hugged him one final time as he got ready to leave, and said goodbye. He left quietly and walked down the stairs. About halfway thru, I reopened the door and called him back upstairs. He came back looking confused, and I stared deep into his eyes, with a look of coyness, persuasion and perplexity. <br />
<br />
One more hug, and I sent him on his way again. A second time, I called him back up the stairs and he came again to see what I wanted. Complete silence. I didn't have anything to say, and nothing I could say would show him how much I liked him and wanted to be involved in a real relationship with him. <br />
<br />
We hugged tightly and I said goodbye again as he left once more.<br />
<br />
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<br />
A third time, I snuck a peek out of my door and called him back. This time, I knew what I was doing, and I was waiting for him to make the first move. We held each other tightly, my head pressed into his chest and my hands pressed into his back. I slowly turned my head up, and with one look at each other, we began making out with an uncontrollable urge that overtook us completely by surprise and exciting arousal. <br />
<br />
We had a crazy, sexually-driven, and mad make out session which quickly pushed us into my bedroom, where only a few hours earlier had been shared with The Marine. We tore each other's clothes off, as he threw me on the bed, kissing me deeply and caressing me everywhere. <br />
<br />
<i> Oooh shit......</i><br />
<br />
<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-41356985426867995242012-03-13T15:01:00.001-05:002012-03-13T15:51:43.734-05:00All things have an endThings with the IT Pilot went from quiet to boring within a matter of weeks. It had turned into a weekend relationship, with hardly any contact from him during the week, except for the occasional "hey how's your day going?" text. <br />
<br />
It was getting to the point where we didn't know what the other was doing during the week because we never talked. I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I wanted to be the ideal girlfriend; the one he would say "look what she does for me; look how different she is." I tried to limit his stress because I knew how demanding his job was, but I didnt want just ONE check in per day. <br />
<br />
I was afraid to admit that I was sacrificing my own happiness to make him happy, and that terrified me. <br />
<br />
A few weeks later, his best friend, wife and son came into town to stay with him for a couple of days before their apartment was ready. The IT pilot had hired his friend from Alabama to come on board at his company as an IT technician. They showed up late on a Saturday and while they stayed out in the living room, I secluded myself in his bedroom barely making a peep. <br />
<br />
In retrospect, I admit that it was the most immature thing to do, not hanging out with his friends, but their son did nothing but throw hissy fits and cry every five minutes. His friend was incredibly strict and would nip him in the butt, and this would turn my stomach into knots. I felt very uncomfortable. The IT Pilot was upset with me, but never admitted it. I wrote him an email apologizing for my behavior (because that's what grown ups do) and he mentioned that he wished I would have been more welcoming the weekend of their arrival. <br />
<br />
The days following, I didn't hear from him, and my worst fear came into realization- it was probably doomed to end. Again. For the same reason. But a reason that I didn't know. <br />
<br />
RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-42230944820911909692012-02-26T09:18:00.001-06:002012-02-26T10:20:44.097-06:00Scared of a relationshipMan, where do I even start???<br />
I guess it'd be best to go back to the previous general entry: <a href="http://renrexx.blogspot.com/2011/09/you-have-boyfren.html">"You have boyfren?"</a> since we seemed to be hitting a similar pattern with the IT Pilot, my boyfriend. <br />
<br />
My friend, Slut Monster (huge Lady Gaga friend who sleeps around) had her going away party one evening because she was returning to France after she could no longer renew her VISA. I took the IT Pilot with me and I finally got to introduce him around to a couple of my friends. We had a mediocre meal, myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable since I didn't want to be around those people in the first place. We retreated back home rather early and went to sleep.<br />
<br />The weekend following, the IT Pilot went away on vacation with his parents to Yellowstone. I offered to stay at his apartment to feed his fish while he was gone, and I had a nice and big apartment to myself. It felt refreshing. He came back the next week and brought me back a souvenir, a t-shirt and magnet, since I'd done the same when I went to California recently.<br />
<br />
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
<span id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451189">However, with the way things were going, I didn't know if I saw this relationship going very far. There were still some things that I wasn't comfortable
with- especially the lack of communication during the week. My biggest concern was that he was too....
"hermity."</span> I could sort of sense
that things would get boring very quickly. I was trying to work my way around
it, see if it was worth it, but I wasn't definitely 100% sure right now. I wanted him to.... prove to me that he wanted this more than I did, because until then, I was always going to be one foot in, one foot out.</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
The entire time I was having second thoughts about whether this relationship would work out, my friend Ozzie kept telling me that the the IT Pilot wasn't worth it, and that he couldn't possibly be the one to dump me again since I was the "hot one" in the relationship. "<i>If he does that, he's an idiot, besides I think you're better off without him. Lazy guys that don't have any ambition outside of work will just
in the long run make you more depressed. You wear the pants in this relationship, remember that. If it came to, you would be the one better off " </i>Ozzie had said.<i></i></div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
<i><br /> </i></div>
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<i><br /> </i></div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
<i><br /> </i></div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
Ozzie had told<i></i> me not to worry about being dumped and to try to work through my insecurities. If the IT Pilot dumped me again, I'd be much better off than trying to deal with someone who was boring and always wanted to stay home. </div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
In the end, I wasn't sure what I really like about the IT Pilot anymore.</div>
<div id="yui_3_2_0_36_13302696295451190">
Was I attracted to his calm and quiet disposition, or his ambition and success? </div>
<span></span><br />
<br />
<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-31967674901302207062012-02-23T13:25:00.001-06:002012-02-23T13:25:17.086-06:00Need to get back into this writing thingOk ok, I know I've been away for a few months, and it's not quite fair to you guys that I just decided to be lazy and stop writing. So- I WILL use this as a reminder and a SHOVE to begin writing again about my complicated dating life. <br />
<br />
A lot has happened (at least, that's what it feels like to me) since my last series of entries, and even though it may take some time to pull everything out of my ass again and clearly color-code and organize it all, I will manage to bring you up to speed with what how I'm living now. <br />
<br />
Visit soon, for I shall return. <br />
<br />
-Ren <br />
RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-73993003091857463802011-09-18T04:08:00.001-05:002011-09-18T04:08:00.603-05:00I know someone with AIDSI hung out with my cousin from California at the mall the other day while she was visiting her dad for the week. We caught up on a lot of stuff- family, friends and boyfriends. I hadn't seen her older brother who was now living in NYC since the one time I'd gone to visit the city, in March 2009. Back then, my cousin had suggested I come visit him and had offered to let me stay at his place. I planned my trip, and my good friend also booked her flight to go visit her family in New Jersey. <br />
<br />
My intentions were to sleep at my cousin's and meet up with my friend during the day to go out and explore the city. However, my cousin pulled a disappearing act and never returned my calls or texts about my incoming visit. I was very disappointed. I ended up staying with my friend's family instead, but managed to get a visit in the city with my cousin and his boyfriend. Yes, he is gay. <br />
<br />
However, the visit was rather tense, and things with the boyfriend sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Since then, I haven't spoken to my cousin. When I hold grudges, I hold on to them for years. <br />
<br />
Fast forward a few years to that day with my cousin at the mall, and I explain to her that I hadn't talked to him since then because of what had happened. <br />
<br />
"When was this?" she asked.<br />"Around spring of 2009, why?" I asked. <br />"Well, ok, I know he was going through a hard time, right around that period-" she said. <br />"Oh yeah, I remember. My mom told me he'd landed in the hospital for like a month, with pneumonia or something" I continued. <br />"Yeah, but..... okay, you can't say this to anyone- not your mom, dad- no one, but my brother has full blown AIDS."<br />
My mind went completely blank. <br />
"Oh wow. Not HIV? But AIDS?" I asked to make sure. <br />"Yeah, AIDS" she responded<br />
<br />
I didn't ask her too much about it, but he's known for three years now. He doesn't know how long he's had it because he started being promiscuous years ago when he was a teenager (I think he's 28-29 now.) Over the years, he just kept getting really sick, having problems holding his bowels, until finally he ended up in the hospital. I remember my mom telling me about the hospital stint, but I never assumed it would be because of AIDS. You just can't think of things like that. <br />
<br />
His boyfriend and he have been together for over three years now, and when I asked if he'd gotten tested, my cousin told me he didn't want to. It was moot at this point. He didn't care if he had it. <br />
<br />
No one else knows- my aunt doesn't want to tell anyone in the family because of the stigma attached to it and I can understand. I mean, she didnt tell my parents that he was gay until this summer. I've known for 3 years so far. <br />
<br />
I felt bad for him, because I couldn't possibly imagine how his life had changed since he'd found out, and I haven't spoken to him since exchanging a Facebook hello in the last few weeks. What's more difficult is that I'm not supposed to know, so I can't express any concern or offer encouragement, so to me it's like, he's fine. Nothing's wrong and it's a lie I have to hide. <br />
<br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTYtQCD5yO928cH-hCGQZ-IRFoZ2OC5iQSKv10gCwLrgnfICa1thdpoQEf6jhmwj7MJZtITfnLH0dnYh4wq4wcQX0R9JZRv0QsUFmvEF7-gsFuebRdgPD5zqP9KJACXcxChBLDQX669Iar/s1600/aids.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" nba="true" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhTYtQCD5yO928cH-hCGQZ-IRFoZ2OC5iQSKv10gCwLrgnfICa1thdpoQEf6jhmwj7MJZtITfnLH0dnYh4wq4wcQX0R9JZRv0QsUFmvEF7-gsFuebRdgPD5zqP9KJACXcxChBLDQX669Iar/s320/aids.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Be smart. Protect Yourself. </td></tr>
</tbody></table>
<br />
<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-83330987466605064862011-09-16T03:40:00.000-05:002011-09-16T03:40:00.951-05:00"You have boyfren?"Things with the IT Pilot were becoming a routine. I would go over to his place on Friday after work to spend the weekend there as his apartment was much more interesting and bigger than mine. He had all the coolest gadgets and all shows available on his TV. There was only cable TV at my 500 sqft apartment, and we'd definitely have a case of cabin fever.<br />
<br />
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<br />
<i>Not to say I didn't slowly begin to experience cabin fever over there as well.....</i><br />
<br />
I mentioned to him that I wanted to take him to a Colombian restaurant because I like their food, and it is somewhat similar to our Chilean culture.<br />
<br />
"Why don't you take me to a Chilean restaurant since you don't want me to meet your mother" he countered.<br />
<br />
<b>~~~Rewind a few weeks earlier~~~ </b><br />
While my sisters were out in California for the summer, I had taken the opportunity to take my mom to play bingo a few times. She had liked it, and since the IT Pilot wasn't yet in the picture, my mother and I had grown used to going together on Thursdays. When the IT Pilot asked to go to Bingo one week, I told him I'd have to cancel on my mom. He said "She can come too if you don't mind her meeting me."<br />
<br />
I wasn't ready for that, especially not since I'd been dumped the previous month. I told my mom the truth, and I told the IT Pilot that I was going with him alone instead. Later on he had asked me what I'd told my mother, and I just said I told her I was going with a friend that week. He didn't need to know specifics.<br />
<b>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~</b><br />
<br />
"Haha" I said, avoiding the obvious. "That's not true! Plus, I would take you to one, but there isn't one here in Houston anymore! It closed."<br />
<br />
We were soon spending all weekends together, trying to come up with ideas as to where we could take a weekend trip. We had discussed Austin and New Orleans, but the heat has been so terrible lately we've decided to postpone until it cools down a bit. We were getting along better, and coming up with our own inside jokes. <br />
<br />
One of our favorite comedy bits were Achmed, the dead terrorist puppet from Jeff Dunham's comedy show, and Anjelah Johnson's nail salon skit. At one point, I used Anjelah's famous line "You have boyfren?" on him, to which he replied, "No, I have girlfriend."<br />
<br />
It didn't hit me at first, until just recently. Guys don't necessarily use titles. Most of the time, they say they are dating, which is the equivalent to what a girl would refer as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. They are exclusive, but for some strange reason, titles scare them off. So since he had used the "girlfriend" term, did it mean our relationship had become official? Or was he joking around?<br />
<br />
For me, it's more of... the other way around, if there are no titles attached, then it's fair game, and I can technically still date if I want to. It's not cheating.<br />
<br />
But no Facebook status updates happening anytime soon. Even though we get along, I'm still one foot in, one foot out. There's not telling where the road will take us. RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-38444480593349357012011-09-14T03:27:00.000-05:002011-09-14T03:27:00.314-05:00Am I a secret?The week after I came back from California, the IT Pilot returned from his business trip/mini-vacation. He had left to see his family in Alabama to spend his birthday and his mother's, then had driven back into Louisiana for work. We hadn't seen each other in nearly two weeks and when we saw each other we hugged each other for a long time "Wow, you're tan!" he remarked. "I missed you. I guess the pilot took care of my precious cargo after all. Did you miss me?" he commented. "I missed your penis" I said teasingly. <br />
<br />
We went out for dinner that night, when I found out that my group of french "friends" were just a few doors down at the restaurant having their weekly meetup meeting. I knew they would go to a bar nearby later on, so I asked the IT Pilot if he'd be up to going to say hi for a little bit next door. He hesitated, and I pushed on the fact that we wouldn't drink, and that it would only be a quick meeting. He said Ok. <br />
<br />
After dinner we walked over to the frozen yogurt place to have dessert, and my friend texted me to say they'd be over at one of the bars down the street. I asked the IT Pilot if he knew where it was, to which he said yes, and I asked him again if we could stop in.<br />
<br />
We finished with dessert, and I started walking on the other side of the sidewalk, getting ready to cross the street when he pulls out his keys and starts heading for his car door.<br />
<br />
"I thought we were going to the bar to say hello to my friends?" I asked.<br />
"Oh, you still want to go?" he replied.<br />
<br />
<i>WTF?</i> <i>If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have asked you! </i>It was obvious he didn't want to go meet my friends, and would rather go home. I let out a sigh of defeat and quietly got in the car. The moment was gone. I didn't want to go anymore.<br />
<br />
He turned on the car and told me again "If you want to go, we can go." He pulled out of the parking lot and began driving in the opposite direction and continued "I can still turn the car around, just tell me, we can still go. Yes? No?"<br />
<br />
"No, let's just go home" I replied, defeated.<br />
<br />
I was upset and didn't say a word until we got home. Here's the thing- when I'm upset about something, I get silent. I don't say anything, I don't acknowledge anything, and just ignore the other person. It's the only way I can control myself from pulling a <i><b>Shaniqua</b></i> on them. We got home and turned on the TV, and watched for a while until I got ready for bed and went into the bedroom. He followed shortly after and got into bed with me and asked "What's wrong?"<br />
<br />
"Nothing" I replied.<br />
"No, something's wrong. I can tell something's bothering you" he pressed.<br />
<br />
I was relieved he could tell I wasn't acting the same, and that saying "nothing" wasn't the truth. I remained quiet for a few moments, until I finally opened up. <br />
<br />
<br />
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"I was kept a secret from my ex for the entire year we were together. I never met his friends, they didn't know who I was, and we hardly ever went out. When you didn't want to meet my friends tonight, it made me feel like you didn't want to be seen with me, as if you were ashamed or something. So it just brought back memories" I said.<br />
"No, it wasn't that at all. I didn't really feel like going because it was late and I knew we'd end up spending at least an hour there, and I was tired" he said.<br />
<br />
I had opened up, and he had listened. At least he was getting that right. The next morning I left a sticky note on the door thanking him for listening to my concerns and wishing him a good day. Later on that morning, he texted me with : "I wouldn't expect anything less from you ;) Have a good day too."<br />
<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-76075877574193427142011-09-12T03:02:00.000-05:002011-09-12T03:02:00.297-05:00Mr. RogersThe more time I spent with the IT Pilot, the more I found out he was just too relaxed. He reminded me a lot of my previous boyfriend, Sebastian. In a way they were both very similar. Sebastian and I spent most of our time at his apartment, watching movies, TV shows online and having sex. A lot of sex. We went out for dinners on a weekly basis, but Sebastian knew how to cook, so he cooked often. He could prepare great meals. However, Sebastian didn't turn down any opportunity to go out and explore and do something new. Although we didn't get to travel a lot (just two trips: Austin and Europe) we were just fine staying home. We never got bored.<br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD6dhTn6uunQ605IsTcKKVgM2fZar00gHt1WOEnBtfjkT_nlPoImq27ezlFjVg7FRApFabHoIAUJIh1J8uxcVzrHN6JbdJogL_Zhk0dcNvF-goKuqxx3_s-LYHlDyHOFM_O72jmpkxfntR/s1600/mister-rogers.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="190" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgD6dhTn6uunQ605IsTcKKVgM2fZar00gHt1WOEnBtfjkT_nlPoImq27ezlFjVg7FRApFabHoIAUJIh1J8uxcVzrHN6JbdJogL_Zhk0dcNvF-goKuqxx3_s-LYHlDyHOFM_O72jmpkxfntR/s200/mister-rogers.jpg" width="200" /></a> The IT Pilot likes to stay home too much. He doesn't like to go out in crowds, doesn't really like to go out drinking, and doesn't try new things often. It was starting to get to the point where everything I suggested, he'd turn down. He didn't want to experiment or come out of his comfort zone. He's like Mr. Rogers, but behind a computer. <br />
<br />
<br />
That weekend, I took him out for dinner to celebrate his birthday since we hadn't been together the previous weekend. I was hoping I'd get him in the mood to experiment some nightlife, but he turned down my suggestions. At one point, I even propositioned him a strip club or gay bar, hoping he would pick either one, but he passed up on both, and said he'd rather just go home and watch a movie. <br />
<br />
<b>~~~BORING~~~</b><br />
<br />
It was beginning to become a problem. I told him "You don't like to go out do you?" "Not particularly" he said. "Well have you ever tried?" I pressed on. <br />
<br />
"Yeah, and I didn't like it" he responded.<br />
"Hmmmm. Maybe it was the company you were with" I said.<br />
"Well, how often did you go out before you met me?" he inquired.<br />
"Probably once a week or so" I answered.<br />
"And that was when you were single <b>right</b>? With all your other single girlfriends?" he pressed.<br />
<br />
<i>Well played my man.</i><br />
<br />
I could understand his point, but I was hoping he could accept my point of view as well. Just because we are "together" doesn't mean we have to resort to being couped in all weekend. That shit is gonna get boring quickly. And it's not like I want to go out every single weekend either; I just ask him every weekend because he doesn't accept any of my offers. To him it probably sounds like I need to go out all the time; that's not true. I like going out, but I would prefer to go out with him, not by myself.<br />
<br />
We've fallen into a routine. We go out to eat, we come home, lay out on the couch, turn on the TV and pass out. We wake up hours later and move over to the bedroom and resume sleeping. <br />
<br />
I feel like an old couple.<br />
<br />
Where is the spice??RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-70197667957614054682011-09-10T02:55:00.000-05:002011-09-10T02:55:00.811-05:00Vacation in CaliI had a great time out in California. I spent a few days out in San Luis Obispo and the surrounding beaches where I tanned like crazy. I also went out to Hollywood and to Venice Beach/Santa Monica for the day. The weather was incredibly amazing, not breaking 80 degrees, compared to our unbearable sticky 100+ back at home in Houston. <br />
<br />
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<br />
I also went out to my hometown to surprise my best friend for dinner. Her new husband and our other friend had set it up to where she thought she was having dinner with just him. When she walked in, she burst into tears, shocked and amazed at the surprise she was facing: Me! Her husband had worked out all the details to perfection, and she never suspected a thing. She talked about her last year of studies at Pharmacy school, and gushed about married life. It was a bittersweet moment, and it was great to catch up on what each person was doing, but it was also then that I realized that we had grown apart, and would never be back to the same level of friendship we'd shared when we were in middle school. Too many years and too many miles between us, we were two different adults with hardly any similar interests between us. <br />
<br />
It was also then that I realized I shared a lot more interests with my other friend (who also happened to be dating and single) as we recounted all the similarities we shared, especially when it came to music. While we were in the car, she blurted out "This is so weird. It's almost as if I'm driving my car because this is exactly the music I listen to!" My iPod included classic rock, some pop, but mostly legends. "I could never listen to this type of music with the other girls" she said, referring to our high school group of friends. <br />
<br />
I came back from vacation, vowing never to return to my hometown again. It was dead. I had gone back four times since I'd moved away in 2006, and it didn't have the same appeal anymore. It was in the middle of nowhere and required hours of driving just to get in for the night. I prefer to sight-see when I vacation, not go back to the same dead town I escaped from. <br />
<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-20374222599423497992011-09-08T02:45:00.000-05:002011-09-08T02:45:00.598-05:00The number is wrong b*tch!I was set to leave to California for a week on vacation to visit my dad, friends and cousins. The day after I arrived on the west coast, I noticed "Unknown Caller" on the caller ID. A short while later, a new voicemail:<br />
<br />
<i style="color: blue;">"Hey Ren, it's Joshua. I just wanted to call on check on you and see how you're doing. I had an amazing time with you last night. I thought belting out, screaming out 80's songs out on that back patio was one of the most fun I've had in a long time. I really enjoyed that. That guy was great, wasn't he? Anyway, I'm just thinking about you, and wanted to see how you're doing. I don't know why this message is so long.<span style="color: #6aa84f;"> [laughs]</span> Bye. I'm at the gym by the way. I did make it, I just got here late."</i><br />
<br />
My mind started wandering off. <br />
<br />
<i>WTF? He totally just got the wrong Ren from his phonebook.</i> I couldn't help but laugh. I was <b>thisclose</b> to sending him a message to let him know he had contacted the wrong person, when the little devil on my shoulder stopped me. <br />
<br />
<i>No. Fuxk him. Let the girl think he never called her. Hahaha.</i> <br />
<br />
Later that night, I received another text that read "Ok we are parking at gabes and taking one car"<br />
<br />
I texted back with "? I think you're texting the wrong person"<br />
<br />
He didn't reply. <br />
<br />
As I came back from my vacation, Joshua texted me once again:<br />
<br />
<b>Joshua</b>: 1:46 am: Ben has you stuff. I hope you are ok and I am so very very sorry.<br />
<b>Ren:</b> 5:06 am: Thank you for the help.<br />
<b>Joshua</b>: 6:30 am: Wrong Ren lol! Oops.<br />
<b>Joshua:</b> 8:04 am: Wait this was the right Ren my mistake!<br />
<br />
I could tell he'd been drinking. Not that it was anything new....<br />
<br />
A few days later I stopped by Ben's apartment to pick up my things. My heart raced as I drove through the parking lot, hoping that I wouldn't see Joshua's orange Mustang parked out. (He was always at Ben's apartment)<br />
<br />
Ben said "Sorry it took so long to get your stuff back. I kept telling Joshua to bring it with him but he would forget every time."<br />
<br />
I played nice "It's OK. I'm glad I was able to get it back, and thank you for helping out."<br />
<br />
And with that I walked away.<br />
<br />
Ben had "accidentally" deleted me from Facebook and sent another friend request soon after. I pretended not to see it, and ignored it.<br />
<br />
The next day I texted Joshua for the final time:<br />
<br />
<b>Ren:</b> I was able to get my stuff back from Brian yesterday. Thanks again. <br />
<b>Joshua:</b> Np, I hope you are doing well Ren. I am again sorry for how I acted. Maybe one day we could be friends.<br />
<br />
Mmmh... fat chance on that one asshole!RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-2884823693225215111.post-90496617784075622862011-09-06T02:21:00.000-05:002011-09-06T02:21:00.360-05:00An empty apologyJoshua wouldn't let up, and I was forced to play "nice" while I still needed to get my stuff back. I didn't lash out or tell him to go to hell. Instead, I just stayed quiet, and didn't respond to any of his texts and calls. <br />
<br />
I had edited his name from my contacts and filed it under "Unknown Caller" so that the next time he'd call, I wouldn't pick up, tricking myself to believe it was a private call. I do this to all the guys I no longer want to speak to. I can't remember who's who anymore, so the "Unknown Caller" trick works!<br />
<br />
One of the calls that definitely stood out happened on a Saturday morning while I was getting out of the shower at the IT Pilot's apartment. I let the call go to voicemail, but I could sense that it was Joshua, and didn't want to pick it up in front of the Pilot. I listened to the 1:08 minute message intently: <br />
<br />
<i style="color: blue;">"Hey Ren. A couple of things: I definitely want to give you your stuff. If you still want me to just give it to Ben [Franklin] I will. I know for the next few days he's going to have a friend from out of town. If you want to stop by you can, </i><i style="color: blue;"><span style="color: red;">uh, </span></i><i style="color: blue;">you know you can get it from me. I also wanted to really, really really apologize for <span style="color: red;">uh,</span> how I was to you.<span style="color: red;"> Uh,</span> <span style="color: #38761d;">[sigh]</span> you know, uh that was very unfair. You know and I'm not trying to get you to talk to me or anything like that. I mean I'm giving you a sincere apology. </i><i style="color: blue;"><span style="color: red;">Uh,</span></i><i style="color: blue;"> God what a prick. I was definitely a prick. I feel bad about that, you did not deserve that. Um, I've actually been apologizing to a few people here lately as I realize what a complete and utter asshole I've been and you definitely deserve an apology. Once again I am very, very, very from the bottom of my heart truly sorry. <span style="color: #38761d;">[sigh]</span> Bye."</i><br />
<br />
<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIUw99RU6UoI8WHlBzRri5vZXne2rTrKDy784fao6WULz5gjg5dNlYJDJNoWM9HrywaVXTXfYDaK3JyZ9AT-gARVwCTChUmqWI5cG2TXaUpf3QWO8paRAUIEs1KPaCVYIRbU2BYE5ATnfw/s1600/sorry2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: right; float: right; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-left: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiIUw99RU6UoI8WHlBzRri5vZXne2rTrKDy784fao6WULz5gjg5dNlYJDJNoWM9HrywaVXTXfYDaK3JyZ9AT-gARVwCTChUmqWI5cG2TXaUpf3QWO8paRAUIEs1KPaCVYIRbU2BYE5ATnfw/s320/sorry2.jpg" width="279" /></a>I didn't buy it. I was too angry at Joshua, and his so-called "apology" meant absolutely nothing to me. If he wanted to feel better by trying to apologize, have at it. I didn't care. I couldn't forgive someone who treated me like shit after only hanging out for three weeks. It's like one of those people that think that just by saying "no offense" they can get scott-free when they say something rude. <i>Mmmh, yeah, no. Doesn't work like that. </i><br />
<br />
I was stuck. I didn't know whether to tell the IT Pilot about what was happening. But I didn't want him to think that I was hiding Joshua, since I was actually trying to avoid him. So I sat him down and told him the situation.<br />
<br />
"Would you want me to tell you if Joshua was calling me?" I asked.<br />
"Why?" he responded.<br />
"Because he's been calling me and texting me, trying to apologize about what happened. I haven't actually spoken to him since before you and I got together, and I don't intend to, but I don't know how you'd want me to handle it. I left some things at his place last time, and I've been trying to get it back" I told him.<br />
"What did you leave behind?" he asked.<br />
"A necklace I got from my mom as a gift, and a pot of conditioner that cost me $25" I answered.<br />
"I can give you the money for the conditioner, but I don't know about the necklace. I don't know. It's up to you" he said. <br />
<br />
At least he was in the know, and I'd been completely honest about Joshua. There was nothing else to hide. <br />
<br />
I continued spending the weekends at the IT Pilot's apartment, spending all days indoors watching TV and movies. I managed to ignore Joshua's texts, which soon became completely confusing. <br />
<br />
<br />
<br />RenRexxhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/09047326194460472904noreply@blogger.com1