"It's not you, it's me"

Things with the IT Pilot were going okay. We weren't talking as often, but we managed to go out on a few dates during the week. Joshua, our friend from bingo on the other hand continued texting me every single day to see how the IT Pilot and I were doing. I was mainly interested in getting him back on a dating website since I could sense he needed a partner to blow off some steam from his divorce.

Through texts, Joshua came off as extremely interesting; he talked quite a lot, was a good listener and gave great advice. I tried to set him up with Slut Monster, and when he asked for a picture, I showed him the only one I had on my Facebook. He mentioned he didn't find her all too appealing and that I was better looking than her in the picture.

"Um... thanks...." I responded.

Some time later, I started opening more about the IT Pilot and how he wasn't being too talkative. I stopped hearing from him as much, and he wasn't texting me anymore. A couple of days would go by before I even heard a beep. And from personal choice, I prefer not to chase a guy.

Ren: We're texting then all of a sudden he's gone. I'm like WTF? Did you put the phone down mid conversation and run away??? So sometimes I don't even feel like texting cause I know I'm never going to get a response right away. So it's like, phones don't exist between us. Might as well just accept that fact.
Joshua: No, you don't. Look, I want you to be happy. Do not settle. Ren are you happy? If so I couldn't be more happier for you. If not, reevaluate. Simple.

We continued texting, and the more he wrote, the more I began second guessing everything that was happening between me and the IT Pilot. I began making "excuses" saying "I think I'll be fine. I don't want to get in over my head. He just has another way of approaching this relationship."

Finally, after a weekend of zero communication, I let out all my insecurities to Joshua.


Joshua: Still no word from him? 
Ren: No, and it's stressing me out. Turning my stomach into knots and making me sick.  
Joshua: I'm sorry Ren. You are a beautiful woman. Screw him. 
Ren: I'm so upset I'm about to throw in the towel. I guess I wasn't enough for him.
Joshua: Honestly, even Betsy (his friend from bingo) thought you seemed out of his league. It's ok Ren. I'm here for you if you need me.

The next day, Joshua texted me to check up on me. I told him I was doing just as bad, not having heard from the IT Pilot. "We should get together for a few drinks" he texted. I agreed, to which he said "Let me know what day this week you are free. I'm looking forward to having a few drinks an trading a few stories, and hopefully having a few laughs."

I suggested we go to bingo the following Thursday and he acquiesced. He asked if I'd heard from the IT Pilot yet, to which I responded no.

A short while later, I manage to get the guts to call the IT Pilot after over 3 days of no contact.

Ren: Ok, so I was just wondering if you were interested in making this work.
IT Pilot: Yeah, about that..... I.... don't think we.... clicked.
Ren: So you were just going to go the entire weekend without letting me know?
IT: No....... I would have called you later or tomorrow. It's just that..... I've been extremely stressed with work and school, and I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

F*&$&) Bull^*%$!!

Ren: Oh no, I understand. It's the "it's not you, it's me excuse" except, it's actually not you, it's me.
IT: No, it's not that. It really is me. I just.... don't think I can do it. I still want us to be friends though. I like hanging out with you. I wouldn't mind going out every once in a while.
Ren: No. That's friends with benefits, and I'm not going to do that with you because unfortunately, I like you a lot. I'm not looking for casual dating, I'm looking for a serious relationship.

After everything was said and done, I texted one of my friends, and later called up Joshua to tell him what had happened, but not before I burst into tears over the telephone.

"It's over, it's over, it's over and I feel like shit run over ten times. There was a reason for me not to get too excited about it when I knew it would end just as quickly as it began. I'm extremely tired of investing emotions when its not going to work out. It's really painful" I told Joshua.

Joshua attempted to comfort me as best he could. We made plans to meet up the following Wednesday for happy hour.

Stay tuned......

The Side Effects of Bingo

While IT Pilot and I were messaging on OkCupid, I was still regularly receiving messages from other guys. We'd exchanged numbers and texted, but when the ItPilot got serious about meeting, I didn't log back onto OkC. I was interesting in seeing this work.

On Thursday nights, I usually go to bingo to try my luck at winning some money. It usually fails every time, due to the cheap $6 pitchers of alcohol that we get. By the start of the first game, my eyesight is rather blurry.  I had already gone once with the IT Pilot guy, and since he'd had a great time, he asked if we could go again.We sat near the front so we'd be able the numbers better. I got up to get our pitcher of beer, and when I came back, he told me that we had made "new friends."

"Whose stuff is that?" I asked.

"It's for three people. I'm saving their seats" he answered.

"Who are they?" I wondered.

"Well you try to guess" he pushed.

I looked down at the items that had been left on the table- a blackberry, a red stamper with stickers, and a woman's wallet.

"Ok, well it looks like two girls and one guy?"

A few minutes later, the trio came to sit down, which happened to be two guys and one girl- just friends. The girl's name was Betsy, who was in her mid thirties, the first guy was balding, looked about 40, and resembled Benjamin Franklin, so we can call him Ben, and the third guy reminded me of Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray with his frosted tips. He was also in his mid thirties, but we will call him by his real name. Enter: Joshua.

The IT Pilot and I had a great time with the group. Joshua was very outgoing, extremely chipper and very talkative. He cracked joke after joke, kept the mood afloat with an exceptional witty banter. I admit it, he was fun to hang out with. When Joshua asked my Pilot and I how we'd met and how long we'd been together, we mentioned it was only rounding up to the second week. He mentioned to his friends "Aw, how cute. you can totally tell this is new. They can't kep their hands off each other." After bingo ended, we agreed to go to Cedar Creek bar & Grill a couple of streets over to continue hanging out.

Once there, we had another beer, while my Pilot and the other two guys continued talking. The girl, Betsy, had left shortly thereafter to meet up with a guy, and I was mainly listening in. As they conversed, I found out that Ben had been married for 11 years, 5 of which had been void of sex. Joshua had been married for 7 years, had been divorced for about 9 months, and had a 5 year old son,  I could sense a lot of frustration in regards to his ex-wife, especially when it came time to talk about all the money he'd lost as a result of the dissolution of his marriage.

Nonetheless, we still had a few good laughs, and by the end of the night, I had inserted Ben and Joshua into my list of contacts to meet up to catch a showing of Rocky Horror in a few weeks. My Pilot didn't seem bothered by it at all, and looked to be content with the fact that we now appeared to have a group of friends to go to Bingo with as well. When we got back to his place that night, I had a new text from Joshua: "Hey! Your boyfriend is lucky, he got a witty attractive, fun woman. I can't wait to see the two of you next Saturday."  I responded saying that I hoped that both he and Ben got home alright, and the Pilot and I went to sleep.

The next day, Joshua texted me around 9:00 while I was work.

 

Joshua: Good morning sexy. I will be joining okcupid later today because of you two. I hope to meet a girl like you. Enjoy your day.

Ren: Trial and error. you most definitely will meet your other half.

Joshua: That sounds perfect. Tell IT Pilot I said Hello :)

The sexy remark didn't quite register, and I brushed it off. The IT Pilot was the only guy on my mind, and I'd made that very clear the night before by stating "When I'm with someone, my mind shuts off from looking at other guys or developing feelings for someone else. I've never been tempted to cheat" (This is true.) Joshua looked at my Pilot and said "That's a good woman right there."

Throughout the next few days, Joshua continued texting me, trying to get more information about me about what had drawn me to my Pilot, what I liked about him, and throwing flirtatious comments here and there. Since I didn't think anything more to it, it didn't bother me that he was flirting. At the time, I didn't see it that way.

He asked me if we'd closed out our OkC accounts; Coincidentally enough, my Pilot and I had talked about it the night before, as we were going home after bingo. We talked at great lengths about what he wanted and said that he didn't want to just rush into a relationship or something long term- commitment wise. He said we didn't have to spend every day together, and he had gotten that vibe from me earlier on in the week. He said he needed his space and didn't want to feel suffocated. He went on about how we could hang out on the weekends, and a few times during the week, but that at certain points, he would just feel like being on his own.

He had closed out his account, and he'd noticed that I hadn't logged on since before we met.

.....to be continued.......

Jump to Conclusions

A few nights after having drinks at Brian O'Neill's in Rice Village, Slut Monster asked if I had been on a date. I told her yes and when she asked more questions about him, I told her I didn't want to talk about it.  When it comes to dating, I'm very private. I don't like to divulge too much information because to date, it hasn't worked out past the first month, and I look pathetic. So she said "Oh, are you sad? Like me? I'm here for you."

Quick to jump to conclusions. Girl please. I'm not the one who had sex with a stranger and thought it would work out. I texted back "No, I prefer not to talk about it just yet because it's still new and I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to get too excited in case it doesn't work out."

I tell my readers, but it's different cause this is anonymous. I don't want to tell people I know until some considerable time has passed. I feel like a f*cking idiot when it doesn't work out with a new guy. Kinda like Slut Monster and her wide array of one night stands.

Anyway, she kept writing and I stepped away so I didn't see her messages until she logged off. She got pissed that I wasn't sharing about my guy and that I'd told her not to have sex with the guy on the first night- cause apparently I'd done it....? She called me a "biatch" and even  though it may have been a joke, I didn't like it and I told her to be careful with her words and she blew up!

"I am kidding what the hell if you still continue to tell me that lets not talk to each other anymore ok??? "

I told her she had some serious issues.

There is a reason why I don't have many gfs, and last night I realized why. It's not that they have drama, or are catty and vicious. No, it's not that. It's more that they are too F*CKING emotional and don't like it when I treat them like one of the guys. I got issues of my own- I don't want to bother playing the motherly role to soothe your feelings.

F*&^$#& b#@%$. D@mn.


/end rant

The Lost Condom

The IT Pilot and I met up again to go out and see "The Hangover" and have drinks at O'Neill's the weekend after he came back from his trip to Alabama with his friend to visit their parents. We had a relaxed night, and considering that it was a Sunday night, the bar was pretty calm. We talked about music, discussed the movie- "Your password is Bologna1?"

We went back to his apartment, and settled into bed. We began kissing, and slowly positioned ourselves to have sex. We were having sex and as he came, that's when it happened. Even though he wears a condom, he still pulls out as he's coming. I had another guy (Tiny Penis) who did that, and it annoyed me, but as he came, I am glad that he did.

He looks down and says "Oh shit. The condom came off." "What??" I exclaimed. I had previously told him that I have a tendency to squeeze so hard that the condoms got lost inside me- which is exactly what happened this time around. It had only ever happened with Sebastian (a few times.) I told him "You're going to have to play doctor and reach in and feel for it to pull it out."  With a confused look on his face, he says "What? Me pull it out?"

"Uh, well yeah- I can't pull it out myself. I can't reach that far" I explained.

He went in and felt around, with a perplexed smile on his face and finally managed to pinch it and pull it out. What a relief.

Oooh which reminds me, I need to go in for my pap smear soon!

The Single Life

I continued living the "single life" while I spent my nights away from the IT Pilot. Since we hadn't made anything official, I knew it was all fair for me to hang out with my girlfriends at clubs since he wasn't into the scene.

One night, I met up with one of my girlfriends and her acquaintances at Pearl Bar. I happened to run into a guy (James) that I'd dated about two years ago for a short while. He has a Chilean girlfriend now, and I'd been wanting to meet her for a while because he'd been talking her up. He invited me out a few times with her but I couldn't make it. We even went out for drinks about a month ago to catch up since we hadn't seen each other since we'd dated.  Anyway, that night at Pearl, he happened to be there with her, and I tell him I want to meet her. She comes around a short while later and I'm really chipper and everything and I say "Finally I get to meet you!!" and the first thing she says is "Oh were you guys planning to meet here?"- in a snappy attitude.

I'm like, WTF.... ? She hardly said more than two sentences and she was just a bitch! She said she was bored and etc. and wanted to head out. Now I remember why I don't like to meet or get along with other Chileans my age group. They're f*cking assholes and stuck up b*tches- WITHOUT FAIL every single time.

My girlfriend, who is referred to as "Slut Monster" (because she falls in love and sleeps with a new guy every week, and is a major Lady Gaga Fan) met a new guy and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. I mostly played third wheel, but I was okay with that because I don't like to meet guys at bars. Most of the time they're drunk and unable to have coherent or intelligent conversations. Plus, I wasn't going to make it thru my second beer cause I needed to drive home, so I stopped drinking and just sat there, keeping them company.

Anyway, the guy seemed very gentlemanly. He'd talk to me as well, to include me in the conversation and even asked me for permission to take her out to dinner. When he went to close out the tab, I told her not to screw this one up, and to withhold sex for tonight at least. He said he had some friends over at his place for a party, so I followed them there, but decided to leave when I got there because I was really tired. At the end he said to me "Well, I will see you soon" so that sounded pretty sincere on his part.

Of course, within the days following, Slut Monster would tell me that she had fallen in love with the "Gentleman", decided to become his new roommate, argued with him, broken up with him, and fallen out of love. I've never seen a more unstable relationship.

It happened: The First Night with Mr. IT Pilot

Following the episode of me walking out of the IT Pilot's apartment, I decided to invite him over to my apartment for a sleepover. I felt like maybe I should give it one last shot, to see if I meant anything to him.

I guess I misinformed about wanting to be coddled- I WANT THAT. My self esteem is shot, and has been for a while. I know it's really unattractive not to be confident, and I really wish I was, so I really don't mind at all when he asks me what I'm thinking. I like it. I just don't know how to process what I'm thinking and say them correctly and not scare him off. So yes, I had told him to bring clothes, (he responded with "lol.... ok") but honestly at the moment I texted him the invitation, I wasn't feeling it. It just feels like a hookup, and I knew eventually, he'd just end up walking away. They always do. They realize it takes too much to make me happy, and that I require too much attention; I admit, it's overwhelming. I didn't want to have sex with him right away because I didn't know how he would take it; I didn't know what he would think of me, and since he'd told me he'd dated and spent so much money on his last "date" over the last 6 months, I FIGURED he'd be ok to wait.... idk... maybe 2 weeks or something.

It was all moot at that point. MOOT I tell yah, MOOOOOOT.Things just got totally twisted..... this is what happens when you're a girl.....


So he came up to my apartment after work, took in the surroundings, we talked for a bit, and he set me out at arms' length and said "So listen..... I'm sorry about the other night. I realize I shouldn't have done that so.... I was wrong, and you were right" I was like, Wow. This is EXACTLY what I needed him to do- apologize. 

We had a geeky date. REALLY geeky. We went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, and talked, then he got this bright idea that he wanted to play board games..... ?...... I was like...hmmm okay..... maybe when I was 16, but alright, let's give it a shot. We went to Target to the game section and picked up a game of Jenga and some beer. We came back to my place, and we played a couple of games, which I lost at terribly because I was getting tipsy already. We watched TV, and started making out..... and then I straddled him and asked him what he was thinking.... etc etc.

I wanted him to tell me what he really wanted to do, but he wouldn't say it. So at one point he asked me what I was thinking and I just flat out said it "I want to [BLEEP] you. Well... more like, I want you to [BLEEP] me."

So we both jumped up from the floor and went into the bedroom...

We went into the bedroom and got into bed and as he was trying to take off my bra, I tried to help him. I didn't even get to put both hands behind me when he says "No, I got this" and unstrapped with ONE HAND. I was like "????Zomg!!"

We got completely naked and he took out the condoms from his bag (because he had brought a bag with his extra clothes for the next day- just like he'd been told to. Though I personally didn't expect him to bring a bag- just a shirt...)

Anyway, we started going at it, and Mr. IT Pilot did the job exceptionally well. He didn't come as fast as I anticipated, after being abstinent for 9 months. He went for a good.... 15 minutes, and gave me three orgasms during the first round- I was mouth agape. I was like.... Holy Crap!! Either he's really good, or I haven't had good sex in a while.......

He came and collapsed onto me, and just rested. We had some pillow talk, and then I asked him about the text that had left me confused for the entire afternoon (i.e. "I'll think about it") He said he normally says he needs to think about things before saying anything else, so that he doesn't say something wrong. He said he didn't mean to leave me in the dark.

Anyway, we got settled for bed, again, and went for a repeat. This time, I lost track of how many orgasms I had. He ended up spending the night, and we both left for work together the next morning.

Once at work, I had a great attitude, and I got called out for it, so I was like.. Ok.. relax, I need to play it cool and get this grin off my face. Later on in the morning, I get this text from him saying "Can't stop thinking about you."

And later on: "Can I add you on Facebook? ;)"

HOLY SHIT!

Holding back

This entry may not make much sense, considering I've ended up having sex on the first night on more than one ocassion, but when feelings for a guy are involved, it changes my mindset dramatically.

I've been "penpals" with a guy I "met" on OkCupid back in April. We have a weird relationship. We're attracted to one another physically, but will only use each other for conversation and flirting. We have both expressed no interest in meeting, and would rather just communicate via email, not even through texts or phone calls. Hell, we don't even have each other's phone numbers.  We talk about our thrysts, dates and fill each other in on our day to day activities. Normally, we talk through email all day long, making fun of each other and being abusive in a playful way. All in all, we are "friends" to some extent. We will call him Ozzie, a derivative of his last name.

So forgive me if the following passage  is written in the wrong tense- it was an email I sent to Ozzie a while back and hadn't made the time to update my blog.

I'm really confused. The IT Pilot and I had a fun time last night- a really geeky date; we went to the bookstore over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went thru the clearance racks. He paid for my items and then we went to dinner and chatted until the restaurant closed.

We came back to his place, and put on one of the DVDs that we bought at the store, and we were just lounging on the couch cuddling and relaxing. We would kiss.... then make out..... and watch the movie in between.

At one point, it got heavier than expected and he got on top of me and put himself in between my legs and started caressing me pretty hard. And that's when I felt it. The discomfort. The anxiety. I'm thinking, this isn't right. I don't want to do this..... what's going to happen? I was really nervous, his hand brushed my chest and my crotch, and it felt so wrong. I didn't know what to think- why is he doing this? It's only the third date.... why can he wait 6 months with the last girl he dated, and not even a week with me. WTF?

I felt... taken advantage of, and I wasn't ready to take that step with him. We stopped and he just lay there, glancing back at the TV, while I just tried to keep it together. I could feel my eyes watering up, but luckily didn't. Around midnight, I decided to leave and he walked me out to my car. I gave him a half-assed hug and kiss, and then just sat there in my car thinking "WTF just happened?" He'd told to text him when I got home, so when I did, he responded with "Awesome. Sleep Well :)"

I couldn't get the thought out my head, so about five minutes later I texted back "What happened tonight?" I got a response the next day morning with "I was asking myself the same thing."

I want to let it work..... but I felt used. Earlier in the night he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him I was feeling anxious and nervous. He said "You keep saying that. It's annoying. I'm not going to leave you, so don't think like that"

Ozzie replied about thirty minutes later:

aww....what a cute date. puke. sorry just sounds kind of gay to me. what happened to drinks? maybe thats why you fell awkward on the couch. if you like the guy why were you turned off? you obviously didnt like his moves.  you didnt have to have sex, it was just foreplay. why couldn't you just go with it? are you not sexually attracted to him? it's always easy to get turned on in the beginning, right? besides 3 dates? haven't you f*cked in less? why were you such a bitch when you left? i would've held on to you.  i always give them something to remember.  don't you like that? guess he could tell. 


Normally, the physical actions wouldn't bother me, and I would probably just let it progress..... but I actually care what he thinks of me, and I'm in no rush to have sex with him. It's awkward because, I've recently decided to hold off on sex if I really like the guy. Before, we would sleep together within the first couple of dates/days together, but it hadn't worked out at all up to this point, so I wanted to try something different.  The reason why I wanted to take it slow with him was because I'm scared of having my heart broken. I guess I was right to think that. And yes, I've had sex in less time than that- but it's never worked out. I didn't want to make the same mistake. 

I wanted to hold back. And it just bit me in the ass apparently. I asked him if he'd rather just get it in right away at first and he said "Not sure, I'll think it over."

Ouch.