Karma, what a bitch

A couple of weekends in a row, I had had two disturbing dreams about the IT Pilot. In my dreams, he had been a jerk about our relationship and had strung me along to get what he wanted while he was seeing someone else.

It's unbelievable, but even in my dreams I get emotionally attacked. I felt the dreams had hit too close to home and it was better to stop thinking about the IT Pilot completely and void myself of any type of sentiments for him.

Larry was still in the picture, and I was slowly coming to accept him into my life, even though he'd recently become busier all of a sudden.

I didn't put much thought into it, believing what he'd tell me about being too busy at work, and having to go home after work because of problems with his car, family or work. I'm not one to question everything a guy does, even if it may look suspicious to others because if there is no trust, the relationship won't work.

Larry happened to get President's day off, and I suggested I take the day off too to spend time together since we hadn't seen each other regularly now that I was spending the weekends at my mom's baby-sitting my younger sisters.

I had had a gut feeling ever since Valentine's day (which completely blew and wasn't celebrated) and I wanted to check his phone for some proof- any proof- that maybe I wasn't the only one. When he went to take a shower the following day, I went through his phone as quickly as I could and my worst realization came to life.

He was flirting with another girl. And it appeared to be someone new. I read as fast as I could and came to find out that the girl was new, they were sharing basic information about each other- the kind that you normally do when you meet someone online- your background, last names etc.

As soon as he got dressed, I simply asked him "Would you be open to having an open relationship?"

"What? No! Why do you ask me that?" he asked.

"Because I know you've been talking to another girl, and from the looks of it, it's too friendly for my taste" I admitted.

He tried to make me believe that the girl was "just a friend" (Sure, as if we haven't all heard that excuse before), that they knew each other for two years, and he didn't like her. She had been a possibility before I came along, but he wanted to be with me, and would stop talking to her if I wanted it.

I took it one step further. Without him knowing, I had jotted down her number and sent her a text message asking if she knew who Larry was.

I wanted him to tell her who I was, and that we would do it together. I also told him if they were just friends, that he should read the text messages with me so as to explain everything while he had the chance.

He said no to both, and with this, I told him to leave. He was furious and acted like a teenager (which was to be expected) while he packed his things and threw the Valentine's day card I had handed him the night before.

Well that was mature. 

The chick ended up texting me back a couple of hours later and told me the truth- that he’d been pursuing her relentlessly, for months, but that she didn’t want to date someone with a kid or who was a smoker. She’d also not been completely done with her ex-boyfriend, and wasn’t interested in Larry. The days following, we exchanged texts about the lies that Larry had told each of us, and comparing notes. I wasn’t mad about the breakup- but I was bitter about Larry making me out to be a “psycho” for going through his phone, and making me sound like a terrible person. 

If I was so horrible to him, why didn’t he just leave me then? 

Truth is, he didn't want to. He wanted to stay with me. But wanted to cheat around as well.

One last tryst

Things with Larry, the kid, weren't working out at all. Though I had managed to be introduced to his family during the holidays, I knew he wasn't the one.

Girls have that feeling by instinct. To me, if it's not going to happen, I immediately stop trying. However, if I do sense someone could be "the one", I can't get the idea out of my head- which was exactly what the IT Pilot was for me.

I had been texting on a daily basis with my friend out in NYC, telling her of my tryst and feelings about the IT Pilot. "He's not right for you" she'd said. "I know, and it gets on my nerves that he could never figure out what he wanted. I gave him his freedom, let him do what he wanted, but it wasn't enough. Thing is, the IT Pilot was it for me" I told her. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, he's the guy who I saw possibly marrying. He's husband and father material, Larry isn't. We don't get along, and he's too immature for me, it's aggravating" I told her.

"You saw the IT Pilot as husband material?'

"Yes, I do. I know he'd be a great father" I told her.

But the IT Pilot and I never talked about our last encounter; instead, we'd played the quiet game, pretending nothing had happened. A few weeks into the new year, I asked him how things with the new house were going. He had finally moved in and settled, and was very happy. He suggested I come by for a visit sometime to check out the new house.

We began flirting, teasingly jabbing at each other. He asked me if I was still seeing Larry, but I dodged it as best I could to stay away from the subject. I finally got the guts to say what had been on my mind for quite some time. We'd always agreed that sex between us was great, but to me, it had been the greatest I'd ever had.

Ren: I have a question
IT: k?
Ren: Was the sex really that good, or was that my imagination?
IT: The sex was really really good... the best actually.

At least I have some affirmation there.

Ren: Which position did you prefer? You on top or me on top?
IT: Both, but you on top.. I like how you move up and down. I feel more. But I like being on top and making you come. I love to make you scream.
Ren: Both position surprisingly for me.
IT: Really... I thought you liked me on top. I didn't think you liked to be on top.
Ren: I liked making you come when I was on top (but I can't remember if I did)- but I could only orgasm with you pounding.
IT: I think maybe once.... you wanna practice :-p Oh I love it when you come. Wow...

I could feel the hair at the back of my neck standing up.

Just like the month before, we had made plans to meet again, this time for me to visit his new home after we finished playing bingo on Thursday night. I showed up there earlier and we took our seats and made small talk. Soon enough, the beer made its way into our bodies and we started flirting endlessly. I tried my hardest not to make certain advances and didn't touch him inappropriately as I'd done countless times before during bingo. However, at one point during the night, the beer had made me increasingly chipper and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He responded shortly after by putting his arm around me and leaning me into him as he kissed me on my head... to which I heard him breathing in deeply.

By the end of the night, we made our way back to his new home, about 5 blocks away from the bingo hall. He guided me in and gave me the grand tour. It was a beautiful 3 story town-home. The first level had the master bedroom and bath, the second level had the kitchen, living room, and approximately 30 feet ceilings, and the third floor had two extra bedrooms and bathroom. It was eerily quiet and simply organized. The IT Pilot was a minimalist, and didn't have much decor to add to his environment.

We came back downstairs to his bedroom and I gave him his housewarming gift- a bottle of Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon, one of his preferred wines.

"Cabernet? Wow, that's great. Thank you" he said.
"I know, I remembered you liked it" I added.

He pulled me into him and hugged me tightly, to which I became overwhelmed with confusion, urges, and feelings.

"What are you doing? What are WE doing? You need to let me go, let me move on" I told him.
"YOU let me go" he said in a drunken state.
"I did! You gave me my closure last month; You told me it wouldn't happen, and to let you go, so I did! Then you start talking to me again, and here we are" I said to him. "You need to quit me."
"I can't" he said, as he burrowed his head into my chest.
"Quit me" I said once more.
"I can't!" he said again.

We laid back into bed, getting ready to fall asleep when we got on the topic once more of why things had ended. We talked. A lot. It was definitely a lot easier with a lot of beer beforehand. Neither one of us really held back or had a filter. I really had nothing to lose.

I pushed for it telling him to quit me, to let me go, and he kept saying he couldn't- that he ended up missing me and would text me because he cared. Hell, I thought about him too, but I didn't text because I was pretty much convinced that I'd reached my closure. I don't think it's a good idea to date him right now. I mean, yes, I liked him. A LOT. But each time we broke up, a bigger piece of my heart died out.

"I felt like you were hiding something from me. I was walking on eggshells around you" he said.

As soon as I heard him say this, I let out a shocked gasp. Just days before, I had been texting my friend and telling her of my feelings for the IT Pilot.

"I think we didn't last because my guard was completely up. I always went with the reasoning that we were both too proud, both had our walls up, and neither one of us was able to communicate efficiently. That's why we didn't work out. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I felt he would leave me" I had said to her.

"Eggshells? Really? You know what's funny, is that's exactly what I told Shann on how I felt about you" I told him.

I couldn't believe it. Somewhere in that mind of his, we had shared the same feelings for one another, but never attempted to share it out loud. We were too afraid to come clean, and admit that we cared for the other.

At the end of the night, it wouldn't work. Our time wasn't now, and it wouldn't be any time soon. We laid in bed and held each other. We had one last tryst, and the next morning, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye as I left for work.

The next day, I left to NYC to visit my friend Shann for a few days, and the IT Pilot and I managed to get a few texts in here and there, him mainly checking up on me to see that I'd made it there okay.

Even though I cared immensely for him, I had to let him go. Even though things with Larry weren't working to my expectations, I realized the reason being was that I wasn't giving him my full attention, seeing as to how my mind was drifting off to someone else. It was time to move on. Larry had persisted to great lengths to be with me, and I felt I owed him the chance to try to see if something could work between us. So I did.

But it backfired.

I can't feel a thing

As soon as the IT Pilot and I began to have sex, something felt different. I would have thought maybe all the alcohol we'd had earlier in the night played a big factor, but after careful thought, I realized that no, it wasn't that.

I could hardly feel him in me.

F*ckkkk!!!!

Larry who was much larger than the IT Pilot had quite possibly stretched me out, and the feel of the IT Pilot's penis in me was quite different now.

I was pissed.

This is karma, somehow, I thought.

It took a long time for me to reach orgasm with him; Larry had officially ruined sex for me and the IT Pilot. Sex between us had been the best thing I'd ever experienced, and the size had never been a problem (I'd actually enjoyed it because I didn't experience too much pain), but sex was now entirely disappointing.

Wait.... If I can hardly feel him... does that mean that [gasp] I feel looser to him too?

I didn't dare say anything to embarrass him or myself from our sexual tryst, but I was saddened by the situation.

We both came to orgasm together, and soon after fell asleep. The next morning, we laid in bed together, as I stared up at the ceiling rethinking the events of the previous night. The IT Pilot couldn't keep his hands off of me, and it was beginning to smother me. He held me the entire morning, caressing me, running his fingers through my hair and kissing me. A while later, he decided to go with a repeat performance, something that shocked me, considering we'd never had morning sex (it's not my thing) after evening sex.

I was hoping the alcohol had worn off and that things would feel different the second time around- except they didn't. I could hardly feel him in me once again.

I was embarrassed for the both of us.

We went out to Pei Wei soon after for lunch, and had that awkward silence during our meal. Even though we'd had a good sexual chemistry before and got along great, things were very different now that we weren't together. The only thing I really talk about when I'm with friends is guys and work- and with him, I could only discuss one topic.... and that was rather short.

Around 6:00 p.m. I decided it was time for me to retreat on home. Since I didn't have extra clothes with me, and had been wearing a miniskirt and pantyhose from the night before, I had to borrow a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from his closet. This meant I'd have to see him again to return his clothes sometime in the future.

I wonder what's going to happen then.... I thought.

Drinks with the IT Pilot

The IT Pilot and I had been incommunicado ever since our last phone call before Halloween which had resulted in our breakup. Around Thanksgiving, I sent him a friendly text message wishing him a Happy Turkey Day, knowing he'd be couped up with his family in Alabama. He responded, and we exchanged a few friendly words, but nothing more.

The next month, in mid-December, we communicated again and flirted the entire night through texts. It was a side of him I'd never seen, a side which had left my interest piqued. I didn't mention anything about dating Larry, and he told me I was still the last person he'd been with, and hadn't found anyone to date even though he was still on OkCupid. I had expressed confusion about how our relationship had ended, and had asked him to tell me point-blank that it was over so that I could move on. He asked me to tell him why I needed him to say it, and I answered "Because if I don't hear it from you, then I'll never know it's over."

"Yeah, let's move on. I've sort of been stuck in the mud too. It won't work" he replied.

However, we agreed to meet for drinks on Friday night after my department's Holiday Dinner to "talk", something which confused me even more.

I was dressed to the nines from my work dinner, and promptly drove over to his apartment to meet afterward. He drove us out to a bar in the university village area nearby, and for the first time ever, we had drinks and listened to a live band play.

"See, this is fun. Why couldn't we ever do this when we were together?" I asked.
"Yeah, you're right. I don't know" he answered.

We had always been confined to his apartment while we dated, and this was partly the reason why I felt so unhappy. I wanted to go out and experience new things with him, but he was so adamant about leaving the house, that we never went out more than a handful of times for the five months we dated... on and off...

As we drank and listened to the band play, he told me he had finally settled on a house, and it was currently in escrow. If everything went well, he'd be closing in a few days before Christmas and moving in soon after. When he told me where it was located, my heart skipped a beat- "It's really close to your work, you would have a short commute" he said. It was 3 miles down. I almost cried.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied "Sort of, but it's not really working out"

"Why not?" he asked.
"Because he's younger and very immature. He has a son, is a smoker and isn't good in bed. But he's incredibly beautiful. Tall, blond hair, green eyes. " I mentioned.
"What does he do?" he continued.
"He works for National Oilwell Varco and is a commissioner for the oil rigs" I added.
"NOV? They're one of our clients" he added.

As soon as I heard this, I shut up. I didn't want to give more info about Larry in case they did business together; that would have been awkward.

"But I really don't want to talk about him, and I don't want to hear about your girls either" I pressed.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I'll be jealous" I said.
"You don't think I'm jealous of this guy?" he asked.
"No" I said.
"Well I am. Why do you think I keep asking about him?" he added.

And with that, we continued drinking our beers, flirting endlessly, until suddenly, he pulled me in and kissed me. His aroma came over me like a wave; I was intoxicated with his scent. I could smell his skin pressed against my face, his tongue in my mouth, as I ran my fingers through his hair. I was completely and immediately absorbed in the moment, locked in a passionate kiss with my ex. I knew I should pull back, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Soon after, we went back to his place and immediately rushed into bed together. I was excited for what was about to come next since the IT Pilot had been the best sex I'd ever had. He could make me orgasm on command.

Except it didn't quite work out that way.....

Walking away

I wish I could be strong to just chuck everything out and not have to think twice about it. I really wish he would have left me alone the last time, and that he never would have asked me to try again because I honestly felt better again and the breakup had been easier to deal with. But I ended up falling for the things he told me and I so wanted someone to like me and I didn't want to leave familiar ground.

It was another big mistake and I felt myself starting to regret it now because I was having a hard time standing up for what I truly felt.

Halloween weekend came.... and the IT Pilot pulled the silent card again. We usually spent the weekends together, and I would go to his apartment after work on Fridays and stay through unti Monday, except this time, neither one of made an effort. I stayed quiet and never heard from him. Rocky Horror came and went, and on Sunday afternoon, after three days of no contact, I finally called him to ask what was going on. He acted cold, and mentioned nothing of our silent treatment for one another. When I asked if he wanted company for the day, he mentioned that he would be busy playing video games, but that I could come over to play as well.

"On what computer?" I asked, knowing full well he didn't have another one available to play together.

"I don't know" he answered.

"Then why ask me to come over?" I questioned.

"Oook, well I'm gonna go-" he said

At the sound of this, I hung up without even saying good bye.

I knew it was over. I immediately went to Facebook and deleted him from my friends. Per our previous discussion, he knew that if we broke up one more time, I would delete him from my phone and my Facebook, and would not attempt to contact him again. True to my words, I erased everything.

I can't remember how I handled the breakup, but experience tells me that I took it hard. I probably cried, called my friend to fill her in, and slept it off for a day.

The one man that I wanted didn't want to make it work. He had commitment issues, and was afraid of having a serious relationship with me. It was a bust.

The IT Pilot and I didn't speak again, and this time, he didn't come back either. Two weeks later, I went on a date with someone else, but the entire time, the IT Pilot was on my mind, and I was unable to give my full attention to the new person. Enter: Larry.

Where is the love?

I felt things were possibly advancing positively with the IT Pilot, but before I could get too comfortable, the inevitable fear came upon me once again. Three weeks in, and I could sense the end was near.

I stopped by his apartment one evening after work because I was in his area shopping. I told him I had a screening pass to a movie and asked him if he wanted to go see it and he flat out told me "I don't think so."

It rubbed me the wrong way. I could understand that he may not want to see that particular movie, but it felt awfully rude. I thought he was joking so I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yeah"

While we were getting ready to eat dinner, he asked me what we should watch and I said "How about Modern family?" and he said "No I'm not going to watch that. How about Wilfred?"

Dick!

It made me incredibly quiet and unhappy. Why ask me if you're going to decide for me? I should have just walked out. It didn't even feel like a compromise and I was really bothered. I started thinking about it as I was just sitting there zoning out.

I made the mistake of running my mouth to one of my coworkers about dating this guy on and off for 5 months now and how it wasn't leading up to any good. I got more depressed when things didn't go my way- when he couldn't make me happy because he was selfish. Most of the time it's what he wanted to do, which was to stay home and do nothing- watch tv shows, HIS tv shows.
Then I started thinking about whether I was being unrealistic or demanding because I required too much attention and his schedule couldn't give me that. I know it's supposed to be a compromise somewhere in there, but whenever things didn't make me happy I thought that it wasn't fair.

Then my coworker mentioned that if my guy was always stressed, he should look at hanging out with me as an opportunity to get away from what was stressing him.

I wasn't happy.... and I felt that it was probably best for my sanity to move on.

Our relationship would start off very upbeat and exciting and then a short while later, approximately a month or so in, it would hit another snag and I became really depressed and very unhappy. It was a weird wave motion. A bad roller-coaster. Almost as if he was getting cold feet each time.

I wasn't sure that it would get better. I didn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him because I was more unhappy than content.

What was wrong with me? I felt so disillusioned. What would it take to make me feel that sense of euphoria again?

I was tempted to see how the Halloween weekend would go by. He said he'd come with me to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but even then it almost felt like he wasn't too into it anymore. I felt that Halloween weekend may be the last one we'd spend together, and I was hoping I'd be the one who ended it this time.

Part III

Against better judgment, I went back for more and began dating again. I was completely smitten with the IT Pilot; I didn't know how to explain it, I didn't know what it was, but I was drawn to him in such a powerful way that even though I was always on my toes, he was an addiction, a drug I couldn't quit.

He followed through with his promise and begin texting me without fail every single day to check in on me. I'll admit it was a very sudden change which I can honestly say caught me completely by surprise.

It's proven that a simple text good morning can make a girl's day better.

The following week, he went in for an endoscopic procedure to diagnose his frequent heartburn episodes. His roommate/best friend/employee took care of him by taking him into the clinic and bringing him back home, but I had promised him to stop by later that evening to check up on him. The anesthesia had worn off, but I made sure to care for him as gently as possible. He seemed happy, and although there was much more that I wanted to share with him, my feelings were kept under wraps, for fear of disillusionment.

A few days later, I received a beautiful surprise at work. A flower delivery with my favorite flowers (daisies) and a chick as a holder; Birds are my favorite animals, and I've been raising wild ones since I was a kid.  The note read "You may be out of sight, but never out of mind. Bubs" Bubs was my term of endearment for the IT Pilot.

The gesture had touched me deeply, and I was for one led to believe things could change this third time around.

I was wrong....

There is no "click"

A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.


One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."


It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.


Ren: Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?
Ozzie: Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you 
Ren: WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.
Ozzie:  So are you gonna respond?
Ren: Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.
Ozzie: How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??




It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex could definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end.


So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.

His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.

As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. 

A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. 

Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.

So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. 

"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." 

He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t ‘click’.

He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt I wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me then? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.”

He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because you don’t know what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”

He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. WTF? He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello."  I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere. A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you didn’t. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”

He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere.

I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.  "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him.

We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him.

He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do.

I'm scared. Can you blame me?

So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. 

Part III began immediately.

 

Sometimes you need tough love

During my difficult roller coaster of emotions with the IT Pilot, my pen pal Ozzie was ever so present to lend out an ear. For someone who already had a girlfriend, he sure seemed interested in helping me make the right decisions for myself. Even if he was at times harsh and a jerk.

Sometimes you need tough love.

A few days of silence between the IT Pilot and I told me everything I needed to know. It was over, and I was going to have to make that phone call to confirm it.

I called him and he said the same thing as before- he didn't see it going long term with me. He said I was a good person and he still wanted to be friends and hang out, but didn't see it going past that.


Why the f*** do guys do that??
Oh, to fuck with us. Literally and figuratively.

I broke down and called my girlfriend bawling my eyes out. I felt so alone. There was no one to turn to. I had no support group and it was becoming so hard to remain optimistic when things went badly. When would I find my happiness?

I couldn't face work the next day and called my boss to say I wouldn't be coming in. Instead, I called Matt, The Marine, an ever reliable FWB that I'd met the previous year.

The Marine offered to come by, and I told him I wasn't a pretty sight to see. I had been crying all evening, and my eyes were bloodshot, and I had no intentions of sleeping with him. I told me he didn't expect anything from me, but that he could come regardless (no pun intended) if I wanted the company.

So I accepted his offer and he drove almost an hour to spend time with me. I had rented four movies that night to help me get through the breakup and keep my mind busy on something else. A few hours later, my marine showed up and I flung my arms around him tightly to try to control my tears.

We watched two movies that night and around 5:00 a.m, a storm came in and forced him to stay the night.

Well played Mother Nature.... well played.

The Marine and I slowly began making out and retreated back into my bedroom where we got into bed and, well..... You can guess what happened next.

!!REBOUND SEX!!

Though it was nothing that I was expecting, and no feelings were involved, The Marine had stayed behind for me, to console as a "nice friend."

The next morning, I grew restless laying in bed with The Marine sleeping next to me. I woke up around 11:00 am and continued watching my movies while he continued sleeping. Around 3:00 pm, I simply couldn't take it anymore. He had to leave. The IT pilot was set to come by after work around 5:30 to pick up his stuff, and I needed The Marine to GTFO, like, right now.

A couple of hours later, the IT pilot knocked on my door with my things in his hands. My swollen eyes had reduced almost completely, but he could tell that I wasn't doing too well.

"Did you go to work today?" he asked.
"No, I stayed home. I rented movies and just watched everything" I said as he turned around to see the four DVD cases on the floor.

He sighed and said "Please don't miss work because of me."
"I don't plan to anymore, I'm going back tomorrow" I reassured him.

I quickly glanced into the bag of things he had brought me and noticed some things were missing.

"You forgot my board game" I said.
"Oh shit. Where was it?" he asked.
"In your living room" I responsed.
"Ok, I'll get it to you next time" he replied.
"No rush. It can wait" I reassured him. I wasn't ready to see him anytime soon.

I hugged him one final time as he got ready to leave, and said goodbye. He left quietly and walked down the stairs. About halfway thru, I reopened the door and called him back upstairs. He came back looking confused, and I stared deep into his eyes, with a look of coyness, persuasion and perplexity.

One more hug, and I sent him on his way again. A second time, I called him back up the stairs and he came again to see what I wanted. Complete silence. I didn't have anything to say, and nothing I could say would show him how much I liked him and wanted to be involved in a real relationship with him.

We hugged tightly and I said goodbye again as he left once more.

A third time, I snuck a peek out of my door and called him back. This time, I knew what I was doing, and I was waiting for him to make the first move. We held each other tightly, my head pressed into his chest and my hands pressed into his back. I slowly turned my head up, and with one look at each other, we began making out with an uncontrollable urge that overtook us completely by surprise and exciting arousal.

We had a crazy, sexually-driven, and mad make out session which quickly pushed us into my bedroom, where only a few hours earlier had been shared with The Marine. We tore each other's clothes off, as he threw me on the bed, kissing me deeply and caressing me everywhere.

Oooh shit......

All things have an end

Things with the IT Pilot went from quiet to boring within a matter of weeks. It had turned into a weekend relationship, with hardly any contact from him during the week, except for the occasional "hey how's your day going?" text.

It was getting to the point where we didn't know what the other was doing during the week because we never talked. I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I wanted to be the ideal girlfriend; the one he would say "look what she does for me; look how different she is." I tried to limit his stress because I knew how demanding his job was, but I didnt want just ONE check in per day.

I was afraid to admit that I was sacrificing my own happiness to make him happy, and that terrified me.

A few weeks later, his best friend, wife and son came into town to stay with him for a couple of days before their apartment was ready. The IT pilot had hired his friend from Alabama to come on board at his company as an IT technician. They showed up late on a Saturday and while they stayed out in the living room, I secluded myself in his bedroom barely making a peep.

In retrospect, I admit that it was the most immature thing to do, not hanging out with his friends, but their son did nothing but throw hissy fits and cry every five minutes. His friend was incredibly strict and would nip him in the butt, and this would turn my stomach into knots. I felt very uncomfortable. The IT Pilot was upset with me, but never admitted it. I wrote him an email apologizing for my behavior (because that's what grown ups do) and he mentioned that he wished I would have been more welcoming the weekend of their arrival.

The days following, I didn't hear from him, and my worst fear came into realization- it was probably doomed to end. Again. For the same reason. But a reason that I didn't know.

Scared of a relationship

Man, where do I even start???
I guess it'd be best to go back to the previous general entry: "You have boyfren?" since we seemed to be hitting a similar pattern with the IT Pilot, my boyfriend.

My friend, Slut Monster (huge Lady Gaga friend who sleeps around) had her going away party one evening because she was returning to France after she could no longer renew her VISA. I took the IT Pilot with me and I finally got to introduce him around to a couple of my friends. We had a mediocre meal, myself feeling incredibly uncomfortable since I didn't want to be around those people in the first place. We retreated back home rather early and went to sleep.

The weekend following, the IT Pilot went away on vacation with his parents to Yellowstone. I offered to stay at his apartment to feed his fish while he was gone, and I had a nice and big apartment to myself. It felt refreshing. He came back the next week and brought me back a souvenir, a t-shirt and magnet, since I'd done the same when I went to California recently.

However, with the way things were going, I didn't know if I saw this relationship going very far.  There were still some things that I wasn't comfortable with- especially the lack of communication during the week. My biggest concern was that he was too.... "hermity." I could sort of sense that things would get boring very quickly. I was trying to work my way around it, see if it was worth it, but I wasn't definitely 100% sure right now. I wanted him to.... prove to me that he wanted this more than I did, because until then, I was always going to be one foot in, one foot out.

 

The entire time I was having second thoughts about whether this relationship would work out, my friend Ozzie kept telling me that the the IT Pilot wasn't worth it, and that he couldn't possibly be the one to dump me again since I was the "hot one" in the relationship. "If he does that, he's an idiot, besides I think you're better off without him. Lazy guys that don't have any ambition outside of work will just in the long run make you more depressed.  You wear the pants in this relationship, remember that. If it came to, you would be the one better off " Ozzie had said.

Ozzie had told me not to worry about being dumped and to try to work through my insecurities. If the IT Pilot dumped me again, I'd be much better off than trying to deal with someone who was boring and always wanted to stay home. 

 

In the end, I wasn't sure what I really like about the IT Pilot anymore.

Was I attracted to his calm and quiet disposition, or his ambition and success?

"You have boyfren?"

Things with the IT Pilot were becoming a routine. I would go over to his place on Friday after work to spend the weekend there as his apartment was much more interesting and  bigger than mine. He had all the coolest gadgets and all shows available on his TV. There was only cable TV at my 500 sqft apartment, and we'd definitely have a case of cabin fever.

Not to say I didn't slowly begin to experience cabin fever over there as well.....

I mentioned to him that I wanted to take him to a Colombian restaurant because I like their food, and it is somewhat similar to our Chilean culture.

"Why don't you take me to a Chilean restaurant since you don't want me to meet your mother" he countered.

~~~Rewind a few weeks earlier~~~
While my sisters were out in California for the summer, I had taken the opportunity to take my mom to play bingo a few times. She had liked it, and since the IT Pilot wasn't yet in the picture, my mother and I had grown used to going together on Thursdays. When the IT Pilot asked to go to Bingo one week, I told him I'd have to cancel on my mom. He said "She can come too if you don't mind her meeting me."

I wasn't ready for that, especially not since I'd been dumped the previous month. I told my mom the truth, and I told the IT Pilot that I was going with him alone instead. Later on he had asked me what I'd told my mother, and I just said I told her I was going with a friend that week. He didn't need to know specifics.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Haha" I said, avoiding the obvious. "That's not true! Plus, I would take you to one, but there isn't one here in Houston anymore! It closed."

We were soon spending all weekends together, trying to come up with ideas as to where we could take a weekend trip. We had discussed Austin and New Orleans, but the heat has been so terrible lately we've decided to postpone until it cools down a bit. We were getting along better, and coming up with our own inside jokes.

One of our favorite comedy bits were Achmed, the dead terrorist puppet from Jeff Dunham's comedy show, and Anjelah Johnson's nail salon skit. At one point, I used Anjelah's famous line "You have boyfren?" on him, to which he replied, "No, I have girlfriend."

It didn't hit me at first, until just recently. Guys don't necessarily use titles. Most of the time, they say they are dating, which is the equivalent to what a girl would refer as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. They are exclusive, but for some strange reason, titles scare them off. So since he had used the "girlfriend" term, did it mean our relationship had become official? Or was he joking around?

For me, it's more of... the other way around, if there are no titles attached, then it's fair game, and I can technically still date if I want to. It's not cheating.

But no Facebook status updates happening anytime soon. Even though we get along, I'm still one foot in, one foot out. There's not telling where the road will take us.

Am I a secret?

The week after I came back from California, the IT Pilot returned from his business trip/mini-vacation. He had left to see his family in Alabama to spend his birthday and his mother's, then had driven back into Louisiana for work. We hadn't seen each other in nearly two weeks and when we saw each other we hugged each other for a long time "Wow, you're tan!" he remarked. "I missed you. I guess the pilot took care of my precious cargo after all. Did you miss me?" he commented. "I missed your penis" I said teasingly.

We went out for dinner that night, when I found out that my group of french "friends" were just a few doors down at the restaurant having their weekly meetup meeting. I knew they would go to a bar nearby later on, so I asked the IT Pilot if he'd be up to going to say hi for a little bit next door. He hesitated, and I pushed on the fact that we wouldn't drink, and that it would only be a quick meeting. He said Ok.

After dinner we walked over to the frozen yogurt place to have dessert, and my friend texted me to say they'd be over at one of the bars down the street. I asked the IT Pilot if he knew where it was, to which he said yes, and I asked him again if we could stop in.

We finished with dessert, and I started walking on the other side of the sidewalk, getting ready to cross the street when he pulls out his keys and starts heading for his car door.

"I thought we were going to the bar to say hello to my friends?" I asked.
"Oh, you still want to go?" he replied.

WTF? If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have asked you! It was obvious he didn't want to go meet my friends, and would rather go home. I let out a sigh of defeat and quietly got in the car. The moment was gone. I didn't want to go anymore.

He turned on the car and told me again "If you want to go, we can go." He pulled out of the parking lot and began driving in the opposite direction and continued "I can still turn the car around, just tell me, we can still go. Yes? No?"

"No, let's just go home" I replied, defeated.

I was upset and didn't say a word until we got home. Here's the thing- when I'm upset about something, I get silent. I don't say anything, I don't acknowledge anything, and just ignore the other person. It's the only way I can control myself from pulling a Shaniqua on them. We got home and turned on the TV, and watched for a while until I got ready for bed and went into the bedroom. He followed shortly after and got into bed with me and asked "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" I replied.
"No, something's wrong. I can tell something's bothering you" he pressed.

I was relieved he could tell I wasn't acting the same, and that saying "nothing" wasn't the truth. I remained quiet for a few moments, until I finally opened up.

"I was kept a secret from my ex for the entire year we were together. I never met his friends, they didn't know who I was, and we hardly ever went out. When you didn't want to meet my friends tonight, it made me feel like you didn't want to be seen with me, as if you were ashamed or something. So it just brought back memories" I said.
"No, it wasn't that at all. I didn't really feel like going because it was late and I knew we'd end up spending at least an hour there, and I was tired" he said.

I had opened up, and he had listened. At least he was getting that right.  The next morning I left a sticky note on the door thanking him for listening to my concerns and wishing him a good day. Later on that morning, he texted me with : "I wouldn't expect anything less from you ;) Have a good day too."

Mr. Rogers

The more time I spent with the IT Pilot, the more I found out he was just too relaxed. He reminded me a lot of my previous boyfriend, Sebastian. In a way they were both very similar. Sebastian and I spent most of our time at his apartment, watching movies, TV shows online and having sex. A lot of sex. We went out for dinners on a weekly basis, but Sebastian knew how to cook, so he cooked often. He could prepare great meals.  However, Sebastian didn't turn down any opportunity to go out and explore and do something new. Although we didn't get to travel a lot (just two trips: Austin and Europe) we were just fine staying home. We never got bored.

 The IT Pilot likes to stay home too much. He doesn't like to go out in crowds, doesn't really like to go out drinking, and doesn't try new things often. It was starting to get to the point where everything I suggested, he'd turn down. He didn't want to experiment or come out of his comfort zone. He's like Mr. Rogers, but behind a computer.


That weekend, I took him out for dinner to celebrate his birthday since we hadn't been together the previous weekend. I was hoping I'd get him in the mood to experiment some nightlife, but he turned down my suggestions. At one point, I even propositioned him a strip club or gay bar, hoping he would pick either one, but he passed up on both, and said he'd rather just go home and watch a movie.

~~~BORING~~~

It was beginning to become a problem. I told him "You don't like to go out do you?" "Not particularly" he said. "Well have you ever tried?" I pressed on.

"Yeah, and I didn't like it" he responded.
"Hmmmm. Maybe it was the company you were with" I said.
"Well, how often did you go out before you met me?" he inquired.
"Probably once a week or so" I answered.
"And that was when you were single right? With all your other single girlfriends?" he pressed.

Well played my man.

I could understand his point, but I was hoping he could accept my point of view as well. Just because we are "together" doesn't mean we have to resort to being couped in all weekend. That shit is gonna get boring quickly. And it's not like I want to go out every single weekend either; I just ask him every weekend because he doesn't accept any of my offers. To him it probably sounds like I need to go out all the time; that's not true. I like going out, but I would prefer to go out with him, not by myself.

We've fallen into a routine. We go out to eat, we come home, lay out on the couch, turn on the TV and pass out. We wake up hours later and move over to the bedroom and resume sleeping.

I feel like an old couple.

Where is the spice??

Jealousy after breakup

On Friday night, the IT Pilot and I went on another date out for sushi. We had a great time together and later went on to the Flying Saucer downtown where they serve a large variety of beers. We talked about the rest of the "stuff" and I pressed on about why he'd dumped me in the first place (it's always easier to get answers when there's alcohol involved.)

He told me that it'd been because he'd been stressed about work and school, and that he couldn't deal with a full blown relationship; He'd gotten scared. But after being apart for a month, he'd seen that he wanted to try it again, and he understood if I didn't want to. He said "I haven't been on any dates since you, but I noticed that you moved on rather quickly. And with that asshole out of all people. I can't believe you chose him."

He told me he'd gotten very jealous when he found out about me and Joshua, and really pissed off about a post I had made on Facebook saying I hoped my car was where I'd left it the night before.

"When I saw that I knew you were with him" he said. When I asked him how he knew, he said "Uh... cause of all your pictures together, duh."

I excused myself to go use the restroom and left my purse and phone on the counter. When I came back, I noticed I had a new text from Joshua that read: "So I guess good fun sex is out of the question?"

WTF?? Are you serious. God I hope the IT Pilot didn't see it. (He hadn't)

Regardless, I still wanted to give it another shot. I told him that it was going to take a lot of work to earn my trust back because he had dumped me for no reason that I could understand back then. He told me he didn't expect me to give him the trust back and wanted to work for it.

We went back to his apartment and got ready for bed. We began making out in bed, things heated up and we began having sex. It was just as I'd remembered it. It was great and left me incredibly pleased. We spent the weekend together at his apartment and had a peaceful time in each other's company. We didn't bring up much of the past, and rather focussed on enjoying our work-free days.

On Monday however, the IT Pilot woke up sick. I had successfully passed on my cold to him, except much more powerful. He called in sick for work the entire week and didn't fully recover until two weeks later. His doctor had prescribed him antibiotics, but the viral infection he'd gotten from me had hit him a lot worse. He'd had phlegm, coughing, sore throat, fever and sneezing. I felt incredibly guilty.

I offered to bring him food, and I always checked up to see if he ever needed anything. The answer was always no, but appreciative. He just wanted to sleep it off. 

After a while, things were looking good. I was spending the weekend at his place, and we would see each other normally in the middle of the week. We were building the relationship again, and although I was still on my guard, I was feeling a bit more optimistic as time passed.

Joshua on the other hand would not stop texting or calling me, and ignoring it wasn't helping.

A second First Date

I had made plans to get together with the It Pilot on Tuesday to watch two episodes of Weeds that I had missed. However, that night just happened to be Chile's match against.... whoemver,  for the Copa America (soccer tournament) and I wanted to watch it with my friend. Actually, my Gorgeous Guy friend I'd dated some time ago and had last swapped spit with the day after Halloween. It wasn't exactly a date..... per se.... but, I was always open to seeing this stud.

Ren: Hey, I won't be able to come by today. Does tomorrow work for you?
Pilot: Hot date? :-p
Ren: There's a soccer game tonight I want to watch- Chile vs. Peru. I forgot about the schedule. So are you okay with tomorrow?
Pilot: I see how it is...
Ren: Are you... on your period?
Pilot: YES! DAMN IT! :p ... no I told you I'm open all week.

The next day, the IT Pilot texted me early afternoon to confirm about our "non-date" (or was it a date?)
I was actually beginning to feel sick and could sense a cold coming on. I'd woken up with a terrible sore throat that morning and had some nasal pressure as well.

Ugh... if I cancel again, he's probably going to think I'm playing hard to get. But I really don't want to get him sick if we're gonna be within reach of each other. What to do... what to do???

Ren: No, I'll be there. Just text me your address again.
Pilot: Wow... already forgot where I live?
Ren: I have some errands to run, so I'll be there around 6:30.
Pilot: K... wanna order a pizza or Chinese? Or go somewhere?
Ren: Let's go somewhere.

I showed up at his apartment on time, and I greeted him sans hug. I don't know what happened, but the hug motion just didn't jump out of me. I did notice he went to extend his arms, but as I stood there frozen still, he pulled the stretch move.

We went to Olive Garden for dinner and had a fun time. We didn't talk about Joshua, and focussed rather on his work and school, which he said he'd be taking a 6-month break from after this period was over. Once we were finished, the waitress put the check in between us to which I joked and said "Seems like she thinks I'm taking you out."

"No, I think she figures there's no way a girl like you can be with me, and we're just friends" he said.
"What do you mean a girl like me? Like, you're too good for me?" I asked.
"No, try that the other way around. Like you're too good looking for me" he added.
"Yeah well it didn't stop you from dumping me the first time around" I teased.
"Yeah...." he trailed off into a silence, looking embarassed.

We went back to his apartment to watch Weeds as we'd planned. We each sat on opposite ends of the couch, and watched the show intently. After the first episode ended, the IT Pilot scooted over closer to me and put his arm around me and started running his fingers through my hair. We had a good evening, and when the second episode was through, I got up to leave. He came up to me to give me a hug goodbye and asks me "So do you think we can keep hanging out?"

I give him a confused look like, what changed? I sort of mauled the thought in my head, and after an eternity replied yes. Standing there in each other's arms, he leaned in to kiss me. We made out for a bit, and then he walked me out to my car and said "I missed you" as he's hugging me.

I look at him and say frankly "That's all your fault right there" to which he replies "I know. Major fuxk-up."

I get in my car and drive home. The hopeless romantic in me would say that he realized he made a mistake, but I just think he got jealous of Joshua. They both talked shit about each other to me. Joshua was always asking me about the IT Pilot, asking if we'd talked, and the IT Pilot asked me if we were dating. I know now that he was looking at my Facebook posts and pictures.

The next morning, he texted early asking how my morning was going- something he hadn't done since Part I of our relationship two months earlier. We made plans to get together again on Friday, to which I packed up clothes to stay the full weekend.

Hmmm... I smell something brewing.... and it's a little something called beer!!

The Venus Flytrap

Wes and I got into an intense makeout session that worked its way into my bedroom. There was no element of surprise on my behalf. I knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as I suggested we go out for drinks just a block from my apartment.

I go into my closet to reach for a couple of condoms and hand it to him. Initially, he didn't want to wear one, so he grabs it and says "Okay, you want me to wear one, fine." He puts it on and his penis becomes limp immediately, and I'm like Dude WTF? So I help him out, and he starts thrusting. We start having messy sex, where the movements are out of whack and not entirely exciting.

In the back of my head, I'm thinking "Man, it better only suck cause he's had too much to drink, cause his moves are completely out of sync right now." With much effort, I manage to orgasm, I don't know, I may have faked, and he climbs off and lays on the bed. He asks for a blow job, to which I answer "Ok, but go wash up first." I momentarily fall asleep as he takes a shower, and as he comes out, I mention "You didn't come."

"It's a good thing I didn't" he answers.
"Why do you say that?" I ask him.
"Cause I took the condom off" he replies.

My eyes nearly bulge out of my head.

"What???" I nearly scream out. "Why the hell did you do that for?? I'm ovulating right now. You picked the worst possible time to use the pull out method. And moreover, I didn't give you permission to take off the condom" I chastise him.

At this point, I just want him to GTFO and never look back. I'm pissed and irritated that he would choose to take the condom off in the first place.

Head down, he begins dressing back up, not saying a word and goes out the front door. Seconds later, I realize I need to go unlock the gate to let him out in the first place, so he comes back up the stairs and says "You do realize you need to let me out right?"

Nice way to kick someone out, yet still have to walk them to the door. Fail.

I angrily stomp down the stairs and open the gate to let him go. We both say goodbye, and I rush back up to my apartment, get into bed and try to fall back asleep.

A few hours later I wake up and check my phone, and see an incoherent text from him:

Wes: Oh.... btw I didn't pull our off it came off on its own and j didn't notice..... but thanks for kicking me out..... I'm going back tomn... you were the real reason I came down here.... you hate me so wtf ever.... I'll never come back.

Looks like predictive texting couldn't help him on this one.

I check the floor, the trashcans and I don't see the condom. I look around the room and there's clothes everywhere, including his undershirt and his t-shirt on the floor. WTF did he leave with last night???

I text him back and say "I need to know- did you throw the condom away or is it inside me still?"

At this point, I have a bunch of thoughts going through my head. I don't feel anything weird inside me, but I somehow manage to smell a condom. Or at least I think I do. So I check myself. I check for a while, but I don't feel anything in me. Yet, I'm still convinced that I have a lost condom inside of me so I start digging as deep as I can (which is hard considering the angle...)

I do my kegel exercise and push as hard as I can and I finally feel something-
the ring to the condom.

I'm like... Ooooh F&%$........  How the F&#@ am I going to get it out??

I swear to God I started going through names of people in my head that I could trust to give me a hand. Literally. My friend Slut Monster was the only one I could think of. If I don't get this condom out today, I have to call her tomorrow.

I keep pushing, and digging deeper. I just need to grab it with both fingers so I can tweeze it out. I need to pull this condom out before I see Joshua. There is no way in hell I could explain a lost condom inside me if he finds it.

I finally glide it out just a tiny bit- enough to pinch it and grab it. I'm laying there on the bathroom floor, one leg up against the wall, the other against the counter, with my fingers inside my vagina, while I muster enough strength to push out and pull out- Is this what birth will look like? - until finally, I slowly pull it out and it comes out in one piece.

My vagina has become a flytrap.

Someone else showed up

Things with Joshua weren't looking too good. Our attempts at a "relationship"- or better yet, our "fling"- had turned into something I dreaded. I came to realize that he in fact did have a drinking problem. He continued calling me and texting every day, but in the middle of all our phone calls, our conversations turned into spats. It became a series of "shut up; let me talk; don't cut me off; you're not listening to me; I just told you, were you not paying attention?" happening more often than I can count on two hands.

I was mentally drained. No matter how each phone call began, no matter how hard I tried to tiptoe around his dialogue, it was bound to end up in a screaming match and a dial tone [well, more like a click since this is 2011 and we only use cell phones.....]

Wow, I haven't had this much excitement since I took some ipecac.

Turns out that I just..... couldn't handle Joshua. It's true that I didn't listen, but the reason for that was his stories just went on forever and took so many damn turns that I was nauseauted just trying to follow all the loops and curves. [chutes and ladders. it felt a little something like this]
In short, I zoned out a lot of the time. I always figured that I could just ask him to repeat the last sentence if I wasn't paying attention. But at a certain point, I just didn't care what he told me. It wasn't interesting to me and it required too much concentration.

After spending yet another night on Ben Franklin's couch, watching Tosh.0 on a loop, my back seriously started aching. I was experiencing cabin fever, and I needed to get out.

Then something, or rather "someone" happened.

Do you by any chance remember Wes? The online relationship with the "verbal abuser" that I had at the beginning of this year? (That coincidentally was also a heavy drinker?) Well..... he came by for a visit to Houston from Minnesota.

He had messaged me a few days earlier saying he "might" be stopping by for a long weekend to visit his new nephew and sister. Since things with Joshua weren't all peachy, I asked him if it was possible to meet, to which he responded "Possibly."

I wasn't exactly interested in getting into a relationship with Wes, but I was most of all curious to see what he actually looked like and acted like in real person. I guess the thought of meeting a guy who had expressed profound interest in me, and uttered the words "I Love You" got the best of me. I wasn't swooning, but I was definitely intrigued.

After some arrangements, we made plans to go to Minute Maid to catch an Astros game. He came to my apartment and we drove out to the stadium. He was just as short as I expected him to be- approximately an inch taller or so than me. He had a thick goatee, and piercing light blue eyes. His gaze was nerve-racking. It was the Fourth of July weekend, and unfortunately, a full stadium was in order. The cheapest tickets seated together were selling for $50.

"Yeah, no. forget that" I told him. We walked over to a grill across the street and decided to watch the game from there and order food and drinks. Conversation flowed easier than I expected it to. I felt like I had full control of the dialogue, and even though I knew he possessed the dominant characteristics, I could sense that I could drive this date any way I wanted to.

In other words, I was the boss. He was just in it for the ride.

We laughed, got along just fine and I suggested we go out to my side of town to a bar just around the corner from my apartment. You can sort of sense where this is going, right?

We showed up, ordered beers and went and played cricket- to which I did exceptionally well. We continued flirting around, pushing each other teasingly and talking. After two games of cricket, we sat back down at the table and had a "serious" conversation.

"So what do you think about me?" asked Wes.
"Um.... well.... I'm glad I finally met you in person. You're really different than how you act through messages. You're..... not as scary in real life" I told him. Personally, he reminds me of the Jesse James character. On the outside, he seems tough and scary, but inside, I can sense he's just a hopeless romantic. Hell, he talked to me day and night for three months straight.

"What about me? What did you think about me when you saw me?" I asked him
"Well, I think you're a lot more beautiful than you let on" he said.

I suddenly shrunk in my chair. Feeling the effects of the alcohol, my lips parted to say "Wow, that's.... a nice compliment..... thank you."

But suddenly, the alcohol brought out my emotional side, in a way that I couldn't quite comprehend. I began talking about my misfortune with dating, "especially with the last guy" I told him. He listened intently as I told him that lately, the guys I had been dating hadn't been serious about getting into a committed relationship; "All they want to do is date. Have their cake and eat it too" I continued telling him.

"I'm not like that" he tells me. "You just need to stop dating assholes" he said as he wiped away my tears. "Ok, so what do you want to do? If we're gonna keep drinking, might as well go buy alcohol and drink it at your place cause it's a lot cheaper" he mentioned. It was Sunday afternoon, the bar was completely dead anyway, and I had more liquor in my freezer than I knew what to do with. He succeeded in cheering me up and we drove back to my apartment to continue drinking there.

We had shots, beer and just laughed and continued flirting. At one point, he mentioned that he'd be coming back to Houston within the year. I asked him if he saw us being "friends" for real. "Yeah, I could deal with that" he said. "To go out and do stuff with?" I asked him. He said yes to which I pressed on with "Well what if I'm in a relationship then? You don't expect me to wait for you until then, right?"

"No, I don't expect you to wait, and we could hang out with whatever boyfriend you're with" he said.
I came up close to him, my lips inches from his and said "And you wouldn't feel the least bit tempted to do anything?" I tease.
"Nope. Cause if you're with someone, I'm not going to come in between your happiness" he said.

At this point, I'm on my kitchen counter, inches from pressing my lips to his.

"Really....? Not the least bit?" I ask coyly.

He stared at me with a soft grin on his face, his pupils grossly dilated, as I saw him falling in towards my mouth.

"Nuh uh! You said you wouldn't be the least bit tempted!" I warned him as I pulled my head back away with a teasing smile.
"But you're single now. Come here" he said as he drove his lips towards mine.

 to be continued......