Sunday, March 27, 2011

Verbal abuse with The Unknown

I had previously discussed my confusing friendship with Wes. Though he had first admitted to liking me back in January, it was apparent that he'd been "interested" for over two years, when we'd first begun talking on Plenty of Fish.

"What do you want?" I'd texted him.
"A relationship with you" he replied.

But our complicated "friendship" wasn't something I was too proud of. We'd fight, argue, stop talking and break apart again. Then, we'd find ways to talk again a few weeks later. It had become a routine. So when I'd last mentioned that I knew we'd talk again, it was because I knew it was evident and inevitable.

Wes would give me all the attention I needed. We'd text non stop all day while we were working, he'd keep me entertained, and he'd make me feel wanted. He complimented me the way I wanted to be, he'd be sweet, attentive and had ultimately become my stress reliever. That was until he found a way to take out his insecurities and stress on me after a few drinks. Wes and I would have a blissful two weeks of conversation, but after a night at the bar, he'd call me drunk and express some type of frustration in the not-so-subtle way.

A few of the "fights" we had involved me going out to parties, to which he said he was jealous of.  "I'm not okay with you going out, dressed up, all sexy to some party, especially in a mask" (it was a masquerade party.) "I'm not okay with you going to a party with your friends, especially with a whole bunch of POF guys" (I'd told him of my friend's birthday party, to which she told me she'd be inviting a few of her Plenty Of Fish dates from the past.) "I'm sorry, ok, I'm jealous, but I don't like it" he'd say.

I hadn't talked to Wes on the phone too often, but one thing was for sure: I could tell when he'd been drinking too much- it was past 10:00 pm, and his southern country accent got a hell of a lot more obvious. One night, I was out with girlfriends, and had already had a drink. Wes called and angrily started going off, cussing, unhappy about the parties I was going to; I didn't put up with it and promptly hung up on him because I didn't want to cause a scene in front of my friends.

Wes continued calling me for the next three hours, texting me and annoying the hell out of me while I was at the club. He kept repeating the same dance, telling me "This is what you want, then I won't bother you no more", "I won't bother you again. Bye, you'll never hear from me again" and "You got what you wanted."

Damn, talk about a broken tape player.

But in the midst of it all, when I'd get lonely and bored, I'd send another text in the hopes of hooking him again, hoping that by some miracle, Wes would be nice to me all the time. It never worked. We flirted, were "affectionate" and attentive, each time falling harder for each other, but would fight approximately two to three weeks later; it had become a regular dance.  A love/hate relationship that neither one of us wanted to really come to terms with.

I can sincerely understand now why women stay in abusive relationships- because when he's not drinking, he's the sweetest person you've ever talked to. And when you break off, and you talk it out, he promises you things will change, and he won't act that way again, and he'll restrain himself. I get it. And you know what, for those girls who are stuck in that dreadful and ugly routine, I don't blame you. You want the love and the affection, and he gives it to you half of the time. You don't want to be alone, so you stay with him. It's hard to break away because you don't know where else you'll find that "love." Wes later called and left me a voicemail, and I could almost feel the sadness in his voice when he said: "Baby I know I've made mistakes and I know..... I know my drinking has become a problem but, I hope someday you can forgive me cause I do love you, and I don't want to lose you... so.... please call me back. Alright? I love you. Bye."

But, I'm looking at the future, and it ain't pretty. I've never hung out with someone who was volatile when they were intoxicated, and that's what I get from Wes. I told him at one point that it was best that we weren't together, or else I'd get the shit end of the stick when he was drunk, but he said it only happened because we weren't together. It's likely that he's  jealous that we're not in the same place, and that he can't see what I do in my free time, and you know what, I don't blame him. Even though I never let on that I'm hanging out with other guys, it's normal to have that jealousy. However, it's not normal to have it towards me- someone you've never met in person.

You're not exactly making your case dude.


  1. It's normal to be jealous, but not normal to be obsessive about it and try to tell a girlfriend of two weeks what she can and can't wear to a party or who she can be at said party with. This guy is a whack job and it's harder for him to hide it when he is drunk. In my humble opinion. Be careful.

  2. girlfriend, i could write a novel on this exact relation ship i was in ....for 4 years... on and off on and off....even was stupid enough to move in with him...and he verbally abused me. Knocked me down - he was smarter than being dumb...

    ...then i realized one day, as long as I was sure I had done everthing I could to make it work, he couldn't blame it on me any more....sooner or later after dozens of tears and yellling.....I moved on.

    And have never looked back. I was lucky to find a guy in my life at that point who was a caretaker....

    Love AGG2eat

  3. I have the same kind of guy in my life... I attempted dating an older guy, and while he was super sweet and attentive, the words "controlling" and "possessive" don't even touch the iceberg. He didn't go to Easter with his family because I was with my family and not him, and we had only been casually seeing each other for 6wks...
    I hope you have a great weekend!