A few days prior, I had asked Sebastian if he would care for some stuffed mushrooms. Not one to cook, I somehow expected him to welcome this suggestion with praise. My willingness to prepare something was quickly shot down with "Why?"
I'm offering dinner and he's questioning it?? Does he not realize that I never cook and I want to do something that takes effort?
"Because I'm bored" I answered incorrectly.
"Shouldn't you be looking for a job instead?" he asked.
Low blow. That hurt.
He apparently didn't see it the same way I did. No need to make a nice gesture after all.
A silence washed over the phone line.
Fine. Let him not have it.
"Yeah, you're right. Forget I mentioned it" I retaliated.
"Well, I didn't mean it negatively. I just think you should be looking for a job instead of worrying about cooking, that's all. Don't take it wrong Ren. I mean, ok you can-" he said
"No no, you're absolutely right. I shouldn't be wasting time" I said. Nevermind feeling completely useless with no job, and wanting to do something nice for the boyfriend, my idea was being shot down before I even bought the ingredients.
"Oh crap. 'Why did you say anything Sebastian?' Damn it..... I just lost the mushrooms didn't I?" he asked
"No, you're just right about taking time to cook when I should be looking for a job. Don't worry about it" I concluded.
I was already disappointed.
Why did he have to question my offer? I just wanted to do something nice. It wasn't even about being bored. That wasn't true at all. I just wanted to feel useful for a moment. And I truly felt like he deserved it. In my mind, all I could think about was how generous he'd always been to me. He'd always cooked and prepared the meals. All I could do was make spaghetti and bake simple things. I didn't want him to think of me as lazy or useless.
I decided to go to the gym later that night to wear out my frustration. I didn't wear it out; I don't exercise vigorously, but I did melt it off. I watched the TV monitors and I started watching this new show I hadn't heard of: Modern Family. I nearly busted out laughing at a few occasions, and I felt my smile growing back. By the time I left, I was happy again.
I talked to Sebastian on the next day and he asked what I had been up to. I told him I had gone off to the gym when he asked "To beat a punching bag as you envisioned me?"
"They didn't have bags. I just walked it off, and felt much better" I said.
"Was it because you were still upset about what I said?" he asked.
Well that's good he noticed I was upset.
"Yes. But I'm better now" I told him.
Later on during the week, I went back to his place, and decided to prepare those mushrooms after all. They were a success, and two days later, Sebastian was still thanking me for dinner.
I finally felt appreciated.