Sebastian incarnate

While going through the notions of my breakup of the IT Pilot, someone unexpectedly showed up on my radar again.

My ex-boyfriend Sebastian.

We had dated for exactly a year,  had even managed to visit Europe a couple of years earlier, and got along splendidly well- for "friends."

Coming in hot from his divorce, Sebastian was just never going to settle down with me- he didn't believe in long term, and after countless discussions, I had realized too late that he had stayed with me for a year simply out of selfish reasons- he didn't want to be alone.

A year and a half later, Sebastian called me for the first time and we managed to stay glued to the phone for almost two hours. It felt incredibly familiar to what we'd shared during our relationship. The teasing, the playfulness, the easiness of talking to someone who could make you laugh and understood your sarcasm.

He began telling me of his current situation to try to offset my current sadness of my breakup with the IT Pilot: He had a girlfriend for a few months, from Houston, and even though he had moved back to California a few months before, he had stayed in this "relatioship" with the girl. She had moved to Ohio to be with her family because her father had died recently.

 

She came to visit him in San Francisco for a few weeks and he told me the most shocking news of all: she's pregnant. I knew Sebastian, and I knew that nothing would put him over the moon more than to know that his girlfriend was expecting- that is unless it was the current girl he was with. He told me he was actually trying to convince her not to have it because he had planned on breaking up with her before he found out. He told me she had an attitude problem and didn't see himself raising a child with her. 

I'm like "Well shit, good luck on that. I always thought you wanted to be a dad. Don't tell her now that you want to end it cause she may use it against you and have the baby just out of spite. Would you have told me to lose it if I had gotten pregnant too?"

 

He said "Oh no. I know you would have made a good mom. I just don't want to have it with her and I can't see myself married to her for 18 years."

 

A few weeks later I found out that he had paid for his girlfriend to have the abortion afterall, and a part of me lost some respect for him. It just so had happened that he had gotten three girls pregnant in his life time (all while on birth control) and each girl had mysteriously not had a baby because he didn't think it was the right time. Two had had miscarriages, and the latest had the abortion. 

Even though we'd both moved on and got along great, I sincerely hoped that Karma would one day pay him a visit and not grant him children. I don't think he deserved them for what he had done to women throughout his life.

Yes, I had become a bitter woman.

 

Knowing you've moved on

It's been March.... September- wow, over 6 months since Sebastian and I broke up and I'm finally learning to move on . As you may recall, he and I were together for a very unstable year, when he all of a sudden decided to pull the plug for the second time. I admit that the second breakup didn't hurt as much as the first, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was evident we weren't going to be together much longer.

I knew it from the beginning, but I was too weak to break off on my own, regardless of how many flags I saw going up. I might as well have been driving go-karts with all those warning signs.

I spent the next two months alone, grieving privately, finishing up with my semester at school and adjusting into my new job at the adoption agency. And when summer hit, I decided to go on a dating rampage. I dated left and right and had a very good time. I met a few guys who didn't really woo me the way I wanted to be courted. And during all those sexcapades escapades, I often thought back to Sebastian and how much of a gentleman he had been, and all the wonderful things he had done for me. I kept comparing each guy to him, wondering when my perfect man would come by.

Sebastian and I never talked on the phone or saw each other again after we said our goodbyes 2 weeks after the breakup, and I figured it would be easier if I decided to block all means of communication between us; I hid his status updates on Facebook, and never once lingered back to his page. I did realize however that he had met someone when he was no longer active on Plenty of Fish, and his profile status said that he had met somebody new. 

When I finally admitted to myself that I had reached the point of no return with Sebastian, meaning that I would not consider ever being with him again, I went back to his Facebook to take a peek.
Not much had changed in his world, but one thing was clear: his relationship status. He'd been dating a girl a month after we'd broken up.

He surely moved on fast.

But wait, he started dating me 3 months after he'd moved out of the house he shared with his wife, so I guess it was normal for him to move fast.

I saw a picture of them together, and I have to say I was not impressed. At all. You know how you always hope that the next person be ugly? She was a plain Jane. I'd been breaking myself for 5 months thinking he was dating a hottie- when I could of saved myself so much hassle had I known what she looked like......

I think it made it easier to accept things because a) she wasn't that cute, and b) because I was excited about J.

If the opportunity arose, I'd feel comfortable talking to Sebastian, just to catch up. But I'd much rather spend my time with J than conjuring up old memories.

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

Don't think about him!

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

Personally, that doesn't work for me. I tried it once, and my mind was still connected to the past, so I stopped it from going anywhere. If my heart's not in it, I'm not going to move on with a new person. I'm just going to mess around with them. No pun intended.... or not......

For me, it's better to disconnect myself completely. Emotionally, physically and technologically as well.

Getting away from Facebook and holding myself back from calling Sebastian is probably one of the most effective ways to separate myself from him. If I don't see what he's doing, then I simply don't think about him. I haven't ventured into the world yet because I know I'm not ready, but I'm a bit excited for that day to come.

Today I went in for a testing session that the Kids's Center needed me to complete prior to my second interview tomorrow. I went into a staffing firm that tested me for my proficiency with Excel 2003. Pfft. Old school. There were 30 questions, and it consisted of working with a sample spreadsheet giving me directions on completing simple tasks like sums, averages, fixing margins, adding new cells, bolding, changing font, etc. I felt pretty confident even though there were a few questions that I'd never encountered before. However, I was able to handle the gist of it, and I'm sure my interviewer will see that I know how to work with Excel.

I called my interviewer to confirm my appointment for tomorrow, and he told me to come in a little bit earlier to review the load of questions he'd asked last week before meeting with his boss, the CFO. He had told me last week that she wasn't the one to give the final word on the hiring process (that was up to HR after they'd review his recommendations) but he wanted potential candidates to meet with her to get to know each other. That sounds promising right?

So here's to tomorrow. I hope I nail this job. I need something new.

Things are tough!

The week has continued with more ups and downs. I've broken down more than once.

The interview on Monday with the kid's center went by great however! It actually lasted close to 3 hours. I'm not kidding. There were a lot of psychological questions which really didn't tie in with the job description itself. A lot of "how do you deal with kids", "explain a difficult or frustrating time you've experienced with a child"; "what is your favorite age group" and etc.

I also met up with the AP manager who asked me a handful of questions too, and a maintenance technician as well. They were all very upbeat, but 3 hours for an interview was slowly starting to burn me out. The main person sounded very optimistic about my session and kept giving me high hopes and throwing hints here and there that they would be calling me back for a second interview. He told that he would be calling me middle of next week with a yes or a no. On Thursday, he called me to schedule a second interview on Tuesday to meet with the CFO and asked if I wouldn't mind coming in for a computer literacy exam.  They are very picky. During the first interview, they made me sign off three different release waivers for permission to contact any entity from my past in order to do background checks. I felt completely vulnerable, as if they could find something bad about me that could impede me from getting hired. (I do have a clean background by the way)

On Wednesday, over 2 weeks since my breakup from Sebastian, I caved. I noticed on his facebook that he was home sick and called him. We stayed on the phone for almost 2 hours, just talking about each other, us and things that had been going on.

"I noticed you'd gone back on Plenty of Fish" he said.

"Yeah, I did, but my profile is kept private" I told him.

"Yeah, I saw your updated profile and the part that your profile is private. 'If you can see me it's probably because I added you as a favorite' and you saying you're not ready to date" he commented

"Yes. You're probably a favorite still from the last time" I told him.

"Don't worry, in a few months, you'll be ready to date again" he offered.

"I hope so." I told him.

We hung up and then, couldn't hold myself back any more- I decided to drive up to see him. As I pulled into his apartment complex, I called him and asked him if I could come up.  He sighed and said "I don't think it's a good idea." Silence. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm pulling into your parking lot." I answered. He sighed again "Alright, fine. Come on up."

As I walked in, he greeted me with a grin saying "Ren, Ren. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored" I said.

I stayed for a couple of hours until it got late and he said "I don't want to kick you out and it's not like you can stay here."

I never once kissed him on the lips, but he kissed on the cheeks and forehead as he tried to comfort me. There was a lot of hugging, making it more difficult to let go. At one point, he got an erection which I didn't realize until he told me. "Sorry. It's just, been a long time" he said. I tried to suggest to do it one last time until he told me "It's not a good idea. I don't want to fall back into the same habit we did the last time around. It will never be over."

"No. We wouldn't" I told him.

"It would just make it harder for you to move on. We shouldn't." he said.

I know.....

"And it's not that I don't want to. Trust me, the proof is right there" he added with a smile.


And then, I realized what a gentleman he had always been with me. From the first time, to the last time, sex had been important and a big deal. He didn't push the first time. He actually backed off because he didn't want to rush into it.

So we didn't. He didn't use me when I was at my weakest point and I respect him for respecting me and our breakup. A lot of other guys would have gone ahead with it and strung the other person along until they were bored, but I've had luck with guys and respect after a breakup. Once it's really over, there's nothing more- the way it should be. I miss him a lot, especially on the days we would meet to hang out. I miss hanging out casually with only plans to hang indoors. It hurts because I am weak and it is still fresh, but I have to accept the fact that it didn't work out and learn to move on. It's not me or him- it's a combination of both.

I saw Sebastian again earlier today as he drove into my area of town to shop at a specialty store. He came to pick up the last of his stuff at my apartment. He finally got his new car, but I didn't even listen to him as he was telling me about the purchase because I didn't really care. I tried to act as if it didn't phase me that he was sitting right on my bed, but my heart was hurting. I tried to keep a conversation but I was still partially angry and hurt. A short while later, he left and we hugged outside in the parking lot as I also left. He turned around one last time and said with a smile "Take care Ren." I waved and said " Bye Seb."

I need laughter. It's the only thing that keeps tears coming down. I want to be happy again.

Looking to the bright side

This week has had its downs and ups.

My dad came to visit for the weekend before spring break, and I spent most of my time at my mom's. We went to the Houston Children's Museum where the only time I managed to enjoy myself was while building racing cars out of Legos. I noticed that occupying my time with something physical took my mind off of Sebastian.

I dedicated all of Wednesday to browse for jobs online (through HotJobs, Cummulus and Indeed that Sebastian had suggested.) The only thing making its way into my inbox was automated email from the job engines giving me "tips" and "help" on looking for more jobs. Then while on my lunch break on Thursday from my part time work, I received a call from a company I had apparently applied for. The caller caught me off guard completely and asked me if it was a bad time. Since I wasn't the one driving, I said that it wasn't, not realizing he was about to embark on a preliminary "interview" over the phone.

"I have to be honest" he began, "Your resume caught my eye and I have to say you are at the top of the list. We've gotten a lot of applications for this position- somewhere around 85. But I'm not going to call 85 people. I'm only calling 4." This reassured me.

When asked why I had applied for the job, I stumbled and told him it was due to my field of work. He was very sympathetic and told me "It's okay, I've caught you off guard. Don't worry. Next question." I was lucky enough to have understood that his name was "Ray" because he actually asked me for it at the end of the call. It took me more than a while however to understand where he was calling from exactly. He asked me if I knew what the organization did and I fumbled again and told him the truth "I haven't read on the company completely, but from the website, I understand you deal with adoption and foster care, as well as counseling services." Again, he sympathized and continued with the questioning.

He asked me about my salary expectations, why I had left my previous employer, strengths and weaknesses (which I couldn't come out with any- seriously, who admits that?) and future plans.He left me with his office and cell phone numbers which I interpreted to be a very good sign.

Later that night, I went to the Muse concert with one my colleagues. I had sold Sebastian's ticket when he told me to take a friend. My other colleague wasn't able to go, so I offered to sell his ticket as well on Craigslist. A buyer quickly accepted, and I met them at Ikea to sell both tickets. I managed to make a $130 profit which paid for my ticket originally, so I went for free. It was loud, but incredible.

The following day, I had plans to go to another interview at a doctor's office that one of my previous colleagues had talked me into. Turns out they were at a seminar that day, and no one was in the office. I left my contact information and went back to finish other errands, all the while thinking about Ray and the center. When I happen to check my phone, I notice 3 missed calls. I listen to the voicemail and it turns out to be Ray from the kids' center asking me if I am available for an interview some time next week.

Ecstatic, I call him back and catch him on the road. I await for a while and he asks me when I am free to come in. "I'm available on Monday morning. Say 10 o'clock?" I suggest. "Let me check my agenda. One moment. Yes, I have a meeting prior to that, and it may run a little bit past 10, but I am available" he answers. I realize now that I could have simply suggested 10:30 to give him a breather window. But I figure if it wasn't okay, he would have suggested later also.

As for the dating front, I've updated my profile on POF, but have it hidden still. Sebastian is also actively looking. I've promised myself I won't start dating again until my heart is healed and I have a job. I don't want to be the jobless date. It just shows I don't care about myself first and would rather spend my time dating than actively looking for a job. Of course, that's different if you're in college full time, but that's me too, and I want someone to know I'm a hard worker as well.

I've done research on the adoption center, and compiled a list of questions for the interviewer tomorrow. Wish me luck. I can sense something big is about to happen!

He had to break my heart

He had to break my heart for me to move on.

I wouldn't have moved on if we'd remained friends because that's what happened last time, and that's how we fell into an open relationship for a few months before committing once again.

It lasted one year exactly, and I noticed how much he changed during the seasons.

It was exciting at first, he wanted to be with me. We talked for 13 hours straight the day before we met. He even blurted the words "marry me!" on our first conversation and gave me the most shocking compliment anyone had ever given me when we first met: "You're beautiful" followed by a smile that made my heart skip a beat.

Then he slowly started breaking my heart with the accidental things he said about his exes and his wandering eyes.......... but against my better judgment, I continued with him.

He broke my heart real bad during the summer- 4 months in. He broke up with me out of the blue. It's true that about a month prior to the breakup, I'd begun feeling very unhappy. He wasn't making me happy because of the things he would say.

I cried hard for a while, but two days later, we saw each other again with the plans to give each other some things we'd left behind. I can't remember how we morphed back together, but it wasn't pleasant 100% of the time.

I remembered crying to him weeks later, still lost and confused as if to whether we would get back together again. I began dating again, but with a lump in my throat- as if I were cheating both sides. I wanted to move on, but I also wanted Sebastian. A couple of months went by, and I decided to commit to Sebastian full time, and we slowly evolved into a real couple without me realizing it. We traveled to Europe together and had a great time back at home also. We joked and laughed non-stop the days we spent together. I was happy, and I knew he was happy with me too.

He was a great partner, and we never fought about anything. We got along great. Every once in a while, I'd open up to him about certain aspects of our relationship, and he'd listen in on my opinions.

But then out of the blue, he ended it. He broke my heart again, and even though he said he wanted to remain friends, I knew deep down I would not be able to put him in my past and get over him if I continued on daily speaking terms. And I believe it's only fair. If you don't want to date me because you don't feel you're meant to be with me, then I don't want to talk to you every night or have sex with you to fulfill your needs.

He told me repeatedly he didn't believe in long term relationships. Not in general- but for himself. 5 years and that was it. I don't believe in marriage necessarily as the solution to "together forever" but I definitely do believe in long term relationships. And with Sebastian, I knew that wasn't possible.

I know he's confused about what he wants. He wants the companionship but in my opinion doesn't want the long term commitment. I sense he'd get bored and move on. He's solitary, and he's okay with that most of the time, but like all men, needs that physical aspect of a relationship. I don't know if he's noticed, but most of the time, you can't have one without the other. Well, technically you can, but my guess is it's unhealthy and sporadic. He's safe with his sex life and not promiscuous. I don't know how long that would last. I guess he'd be okay with year long relationships every year.

In the meantime, I'm taking a break from dating. My heart needs to grieve and heal, and I need to work on myself again before I jump back into the dating scene. I don't want to assert too much self confidence because I'm still fragile to rejection. Sebastian made me into a better person and was a great teacher; I learned so much from him. I can only hope I'm able to keep what I've learned and bring it into the next relationship as effortlessly as I did with him.

The Aftermath

I was scheduled to attend a passion party with my friend at another girlfriend's house. I was actually looking forward to it and having a good time. That was right before Sebastian broke up with me on the same day.

I still attended because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. And I truly thought that spending time with other girls would help keep my mind off of the breakup. I broke down twice, confiding in my friends about the breakup. I had to tell them what had happened because I realized it was the only way to come to terms and accept that it was in fact over. However, I was still very much hurt and the pain was still new that the more I talked about it, more tears rolled down my face.

The next day, Sebastian took the status off of Facebook and my friends came to comfort me when they saw the "single" status change. I was glad that they'd noticed and that I actually had people watching my back. I called my dad in California and told him what had happened and he tried his hardest to comfort me. "You're not the first, and you definitely won't be the last to suffer a breakup" he kindly told me.

I've heard this advice before. It helped before and it will definitely help me again. My mother on the other hand just made things worse. She asked me if it wasn't perhaps my fault again, that I shouldn't have pursued him last time, that I should have let him go, and that if I knew if maybe he didn't have another woman on the side.

I was so hurt that I walked out of the house. My own mother couldn't comfort me, and then I remembered that she hadn't been able to the last time either. When I look at how my parents brought us up, my father has always been the one to give my siblings and I the most affection- kisses, hugs, and enough embraces to annoy us. My mother has taken good care of us, but has been rather cold. I don't remember the last time she actually held me or my sisters. It's always yelling on her part.

Recently, I haven't wanted to think about Sebastian, because the moment I do, I get teary eyed. I'm not ready to date again, but I am in the process of acceptance and moving on. I haven't talked to him, and I know I'm not ready to either. I hate to think about how much time must pass before I'm able to comfortably hold a conversation, because I can sense it could be at least a year. Yesterday, I sent him a text message asking what he wanted to do about the Muse concert ticket he'd bought to go to this week. He told me "Take a friend and have fun :)." I intend to go with my colleague who also bought a ticket months ago.

And as for his clothes, I didn't return it to him this past weekend on my way up to the airport. I didn't want to make the effort.

It's Over

I've been neglecting my blog and with good reason.

I've been avoiding having to write this post for almost one week now, but I think I'm feeling ok enough to update what happened.

Sebastian and I are no longer together, and I know a majority of you saw it coming, or didn't see us as a long term couple. Truth is, I didn't see either. I just kept hoping things would change, as all hopeless romantics do.

Mid-last week, I whispered "I love you" at night while I thought he was asleep. I said it twice to confirm, though I can fully admit that I wasn't really feeling it at that exact moment I said. I think the emotions took control of me and because I was happy, I said those three little words. Truth is, I wanted to say it some time earlier, but didn't have the strength to.

On Saturday, we were supposed to meet up at my apartment so we could go get a shirt exchanged that I had given him for Valentine's Day. He had brought back the things I had asked him for from his place, except it didn't occur to me at the time it was more than what I thought I'd left behind. I joked around and said "Wow, I didn't know I'd left so much stuff" as he just smiled. About 5 minutes later, he sat down on my bed and I quickly joined him and said "Ooh! Story time!"

He paused for a moment and calmly began.

"I've sort of been lying to you about not telling you I was awake when I heard you say what you said to me the other night" he said

My face froze.

"And I don't think I'm ever going to get to that point with you." he added.

"Oh, great" I said sarcastically. "It's happening all over again."

I was mad.

He continued talking and said that although I was a good person, he didn't see us together for the long run.

"This time, I can't say I did anything wrong, because I know I was a good person" I told him.

"I know. You're a great person. But we both know that we're each holding back." he said.

I knew this.

"You can't even recognize when someone good to you is standing right in front of you. I was a good girlfriend Sebastian. How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me?" I asked.

This was my reason for not begging to have him take me back.

I've never begged with Sebastian. We never fought or had breaks. We broke up once last summer, for basically the same reason.

"I can't have children with someone I'm not in love with. It's not fair to them" he said.

I know. I wouldn't either.

"And truth is, I'm scared that I may never have that family that I want. Look at my dad, he's a hermit, and I'm scared that I may end up like him because the problem is with me. I can't seem to make a relationship work" he added.

So at that, I continued crying and slowly felt myself sinking into my bed. I began collecting his clothes that had been left at my apartment and told him "If you happen to find things of mine at your apartment, just get rid of them. I don't want them"

"You don't want me to just drop them off on your door?" he asked.

"No. I don't care for it. Just throw it away. If I find anything else of yours here, I'll do the same" I answered.

"I'm probably not the best person to comfort you right now. You should talk with your friends" he said.

"They will just put you down" I answered.

"That's maybe what you need right now. It's okay with me" he said. "I would offer to continue being friends-" he added.

"But I don't want that right now. Maybe in time..... a long time from now, it can happen, but I don't want to talk as friends" I told him.

And it's true. We tried the friends bit after we broke up the last time- that's how we fell into an open relationship. And that's how I passed up chances with other guys because I was in limbo with Sebastian at the time.

"Don't stay single for too long. Take your time, get over me. Don't worry, you will forget me in a year. Thank you for taking me around the world" he said as he closed the door behind him.

He left quietly that day, and I haven't heard from him since. I've been down in the dumps this past week, and when I think about him and us, my eyes fill with tears- like right now for instance.

I spent the entire week at my mom's because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. When I went back to get more clothes, I sifted through the plastic bag that he had brought back containing my clothes. At the very bottom was his pair of jeans- very noticeable from the tag. "Why is he doing this to me??" I asked out loud. Then I remembered- he did the same thing last time as well. He put one of his shirts in with my clothes, and when we met up to give it back to him, our friendship began.

I can only sense that it was done for the same reason again, except I haven't called him to tell him it's in there. I have to drive by his apartment tomorrow to pick my dad up at the airport, and I want to stop by his place and leave the bag on his doorknob without calling or knocking on the door.

I work much better when I'm in a couple. That's how I was programmed. It's difficult to have to let go of someone and move on to be able to move onto the next person. I want to keep my head up and I'm trying very very hard to keep calm and strong.

He is a great guy, but if it's not meant to be, then I definitely deserve someone else.

Ren as a housewife?

"Do you see yourself as a housewife?" asked Sebastian.

My eyes widened at the thought.

"Um....  maybe" I answered. "It depends really."

"I'm still very traditionalist when it comes to raising kids. I believe it's best for the mother to stay at home for the first three years" he said.

I think I would go insane. I don't mind the cleaning, but when you throw a crying baby in there, I tend to freak out. I know I would not be able to handle it well. I don't handle it well now with my young sisters.

"I totally agree with what you're saying; I would prefer for the mother to stay at home, just like my mother did for me. But it's also not good because it leads to dependence. Look at me- Dependent until 25 years old!" I added

"Well, that's why I meant only the first three years- when the kid won't remember much. You think you'd get frustrated?" he continued.

"Yeah, I think so. I'd have to do something else, a part time job. Something" I answered.

"Yeah, you'd have to get like a hobby or something" said Sebastian

"But I also think there'd be other factors involved, such as the cost of daycare. If the mother could work and make more money than the daycare, than it'd be a good idea. But if she made less money, than it'd be obvious she'd have to stay at home and take care of the child" I said.

"Oh yes, I see what you mean"  he added.

I couldn't help but wonder why he had, out of the blue, asked the question about kids. It's not as if we're planning on getting married- We haven't even said the "L" word to each other. He seems to be completely opposed to the idea of marriage after his divorce. Furthermore, I feel completely useless without a job right now. What kind of team would that make?

I know what he wants. He wants a family, kids, the total, package. And I don't. I've never really thought about doing it. It's as if I don't see myself as a fit mother- I see myself as a fit companion, as if that would be my best job. I don't "crave the need" to have kids. Could my mind change? I really don't know.

My heart skips a beat when I see a toddler quietly walking next to his mother. But when I hear the scream, I cringe and worry. I admit that I didn't participate much in my sisters's upbringings, and that was because I was not warm or affectionate towards them. I sort of regret it, because it was a great thing to be able to pick them up when they were running around. But they were also very hard to deal with, and I wasn't particularly interested in kids. I hardly participate with them now..... it feels like a drag, and they're 10 and have voices. I get along better with one of them, but I'm strict and very stern with both of them. The answer is mostly always "no" whenever they ask for something. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I was more warm with them.  I wish I was one of those women who LOVED to have kids and could work with them at schools, etc. I envy that. It's almost as if I wasn't programmed to love anyone but a partner. Will it change when I have a kid of my own? Can I love someone more than my partner? It makes me sad, because it's not fair.

Recently, I've noticed Sebastian has been a bit more open with his.... actions, flirting and little quirks that would normally embarrass a person. I'm talking about little giggles and sounds that would make anyone raise an eyebrow; So when he told me "I'm glad I can act this way around you. I couldn't do that around my ex-wife. She'd give me a weird look," my heart smiled.

"I'm glad you can act yourself around me. I wouldn't want you to hold back" I told him.

He has Sexomnia

Sebastian has sexomnia, what can easily be described as "Sleep Sex, a legitimate medical disorder."

I admit I'd never taken this condition seriously prior to meeting him, as I considered it downright impossible. But then he told me he had experienced it twice in his previous marriage, and left me in a curious and "huh??" state.

Then I remembered this one girl who would masturbate in her sleep if she went to sleep on her back, (or was it her stomach?) and there was the typical sleepwalker. Sebastian told me that when he was younger, he'd go to the extremes of going to the kitchen and make himself and sandwich and eat it in a state of parasomnia. He'd carry full length conversations with people before going back to sleep. I asked him how he knew and he said "Because my dad told me."

I found it very humorous and interesting. I asked him what would trigger it and he said he didn't know. He only knew he'd become violent if he was involved in a fight right before going to sleep; which is why he told me we'd never share a bed following a fight. We've never fought, so I haven't experienced this event. I asked him what I should do if I found him sleepwalking and he said to utter the words "You're asleep" and he would drop right back into his sleep.

Then one night as I lay next to him in bed, he awakened me in the middle of my sleep by rolling over me and kissing me deep. Still half-asleep I thought it was one of those middle of the night sessions (which we'd never had.) I tried kissing him but was drowsy and was trying to push him off because I wanted to use the restroom. I never made it out of bed.

Caught up in the moment, I let the act progress until all of a sudden I hear him say "What's going on?"

Confused, I face towards him and answer "What do you mean?"

"How did I get here? How did we start?" he asked with a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Were you...... asleep?" I asked him, half expecting him to say no.

"I....think... yes. Oh my god, no way" he answered.

"What??" I replied.

As we finished the deed, I turned on the light and tell him "Are you serious? You weren't awake at all? How is that possible??" I told him

"I just.... don't remember. What happened?" he asked.

"Well, you started kissing me pretty hard, rougher than normal, than you took off my pajamas and climbed on top of me and started......" I explained to him.

"Really?" He asked with a devious grin on his face.

It had indeed happened, and I was still shocked. Since then, it has happened more than a handful of times, and each time I'm surprised out of my sleep. It isn't apparent to me of what's happening until I'm completely awake and I'm able to judge his movements.

He moves aggressively and there is no foreplay. It makes me laugh, yes. His moves flow more smoothly and there are no pauses; almost like a robot with no interruptions. His thrusting happens to be at the same speed and he doesn't wake up until he's having an orgasm. I've been tempted to turn on the lights and say "You're asleep" just to see what will happen, but being the selfish creature that I am, I don't want to cut the action short. Plus, most of the time, I don't realize what's happening until a few minutes into it, and I always assume that he must have awoken by then, therefore don't want to sound like an idiot by saying the phrase.

In time, I've come to notice that he experiences sexomnia when we haven't seen each other and had sex in a few days. The last time it happened, he told me he'd been dreaming when he experienced it.

"About what?" I asked.

"That you and I were having sex" he answered confused.

"Funny because your dream became my reality" I said.

Boyfriend's Appreciation

A few days prior, I had asked Sebastian if he would care for some stuffed mushrooms. Not one to cook, I somehow expected him to welcome this suggestion with praise. My willingness to prepare something was quickly shot down with "Why?"

I'm offering dinner and he's questioning it?? Does he not realize that I never cook and I want to do something that takes effort?

"Because I'm bored" I answered incorrectly.

"Shouldn't you be looking for a job instead?" he asked.

Low blow. That hurt.

He apparently didn't see it the same way I did. No need to make a nice gesture after all.

A silence washed over the phone line.  

Fine. Let him not have it.

"Yeah, you're right. Forget I mentioned it" I retaliated.

"Well, I didn't mean it negatively. I just think you should be looking for a job instead of worrying about cooking, that's all. Don't take it wrong Ren. I mean, ok you can-" he said

"No no, you're absolutely right. I shouldn't be wasting time" I said.  Nevermind feeling completely useless with no job, and wanting to do something nice for the boyfriend, my idea was being shot down before I even bought the ingredients.

"Oh crap. 'Why did you say anything Sebastian?' Damn it..... I just lost the mushrooms didn't I?" he asked

"No, you're just right about taking time to cook when I should be looking for a job. Don't worry about it" I concluded.

I was already disappointed.

Why did he have to question my offer? I just wanted to do something nice. It wasn't even about being bored. That wasn't true at all. I just wanted to feel useful for a moment. And I truly felt like he deserved it. In my mind, all I could think about was how generous he'd always been to me. He'd always cooked and prepared the meals. All I could do was make spaghetti and bake simple things. I didn't want him to think of me as lazy or useless.

I decided to go to the gym later that night to wear out my frustration. I didn't wear it out; I don't exercise vigorously, but I did melt it off. I watched the TV monitors and I started watching this new show I hadn't heard of: Modern Family. I nearly busted out laughing at a few occasions, and I felt my smile growing back.  By the time I left, I was happy again.

I talked to Sebastian on the next day and he asked what I had been up to. I told him I had gone off to the gym when he asked "To beat a punching bag as you envisioned me?"

Silly boy.

"They didn't have bags. I just walked it off, and felt much better" I said.

"Was it because you were still upset about what I said?" he asked.

Well that's good he noticed I was upset.

"Yes. But I'm better now" I told him.

Later on during the week, I went back to his place, and decided to prepare those mushrooms after all. They were a success, and two days later, Sebastian was still thanking me for dinner.

I finally felt appreciated.

The meeting of his colleagues

Finally, after 6 months of him going on and on about his colleagues, I get to meet them tonight. Where are we going you might ask? No other than to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Sebastian might actually be more excited than expected about this meetup tonight. I see it as any other Rocky showing; Maybe it's because I've seen it about..... 5 times last year and it's been enough. The reason why I like going is no other than to bring a virgin to the show- a person who's never experienced the movie with audience participation. I'll admit the movie still gives me the creeps, but the first time I saw it, I was hooked. The experience was so much fun, I was ecstatic about seeing it again a few years later.

But the reason why I'm actually looking forward to tonight is because I'll finally be introduced to the people he works with. Since the beginning, I've managed to be introduced to only two others. They were a lot of fun, a bit different, but I didn't mind. It was the act of being introduced and included that made me feel appreciated. Silly, maybe- but with a private guy like Sebastian, I was lucky to get anything at all.

I expect it to go without a hitch; they are older than me- by at least 10 years I think, so I can only hope they don't go off about science or politics with each other. These are subjects I'm no expert on, and a bit ignorant compared to their vast knowledge.  If you suggest talking about culture, I'll go all off. 

We are making progress. Definitely at a s.n.a.i.l.'s pace, but some progress at least.

Valentine's Day tomorrow: I get to spend it babysitting my sisters as I'm making mah greens.

Have fun peoples.

His emotional insecurities

I think we might of had a breakthrough!

Late last night, amidst my studying economics and his FPS game on his PC, we managed to somehow trail into a conversation of emotional comfort.

It has unnaturally taken quite a lot of guts for me to open up about my feelings to Sebastian. From previous posts, I have mentioned to shy away from confrontation and not talk about my insecurities about my relationship with Sebastian. I think one of the main reasons has to do with him being the dominant character of the relationship. Regardless of who it is, when the other person has control (friend, parent, colleague, boss), I don't speak up much.

Then last night, out of nowhere, I had a sudden burst of confidence and spoke the truth: "I really don't see you as an emotional person."

"Why do you say that?" he asked.

"I can just tell. You're not like that.  I know it'll sound totally cliché at what I'm about to say but...... you're not..... really in touch with my emotional needs" I admitted.

At the sound of this, he kind of chuckled.

"You're right. It does sound clichéd" he said.

"You're not in touch with your emotional side either" I added.

"Do you really want me to be more in touch with my feminine side?" he quipped.

"Yep, I knew you were going to smart mouth, but understand this: I don't mean to insult you, it's just.... I don't understand why you don't comfort when I'm upset" I continued.

"But I don't hurt your feelings. I take care of you when you're sick" he quickly defended.

"I know, and I don't want you to think that you hurt me on me purpose. It has happened before, and I really don't think you do it out of malice. And yes, it's true that you're always there to nurse me back to health when I'm sick. I'm very appreciative of that; I don't want you to think I'm attacking you. But when I'm upset, you're more likely to treat me like one of the guys- you comfort with a tap on the head. I feel like we can't talk about our feelings because you don't really care..... it's not your thing to do, or you think it's silly" I confessed.

He laughed a bit more and said "Oh Ren, it has nothing to do with that. And the whole 'pat on the head' thing, trust me, I don't do that with my male friends. "

"I know that. I was just trying to compare" I answered.

He paused for a while, trying to form an appropriate answer and finally said "It's not that I don't care. It's just that.... I don't know..... how to comfort. I feel there's nothing I could say to make the situation better. I put myself in your shoes, and feel that if I were the one who's upset, I would want to be left alone. There's nothing anyone could say to make me feel better."

Oh my- duh!! He is a guy! I completely understood. It finally made sense!

"Ok, I understand now. I actually do the same thing when it comes to friends and family. I don't know how to comfort; but when it comes to my partner, I always know how. It makes sense to me now that you didn't comfort me when I was upset about something" I reasoned.

Slowly but surely, we are tackling the relationship issues that have been on my mind for quite some time. It puts me at ease to know that I don't need to overstress on it anymore; I got my concerns answered.

Job Loss +7 days

Oh my dear fellow readers- the comments on one of my last post made me chuckle and happy at the same time. There was a reason why I decided to post that blog before posting this one; because in 3 weeks' time, Sebastian had changed dramatically. Needless to say, I still felt I needed to document what had happened 3 weeks ago, in case the topic came up again and you would know what the hell was happening.

Maybe it's my negativity or pessimism that I felt towards Sebastian not too long ago that made him an easy target; or maybe it was that the relationship wasn't perfect- it's still far from it. This blog initially began on shaky grounds- catapulting into independence with an open relationship with Sebastian, that turned into a semi-committed one without me even realizing it. Needless to say, I'll still be sharing the tricky situations I manage to get myself into during my adulthood.

It's been an entire week since I've lost my job and I still don't have solid leads on anything! ZILCH! I've sent out résumés, emailed 11 recruiters, signed up with job search engines, and told my friends (to try to get a word in) and I've yet to receive a call back! The only thing I've got in the works is a testing appointment with the Census Board about doing temporary work.

My old job in the meantime is keeping me afloat part time. My boss called me Tuesday afternoon to tell me not to come in on Wednesday because there wasn't enough work to be done, and my other boss wasn't in. Instead, I came over on Thursday to complete payroll and tie up loose ends with other things such as invoices, vendors, and workers' applications. I got paid for that day and left with some pride. I'm still optimistic that everything will work out, even if my bosses aren't able to give me back my old job as they REALLY hope will happen. Nope- at this point, I'm on my own.

Sebastian has been a real sweetheart lately [See the dramatic change?] Not a moment goes by that we are not able to laugh. I can sense things definitely changing between us-  for the better. He's always smiling, laughing which proves me that he's genuily happy. He also rushed to see me last week when I told him about the job loss (right at the same moment I was thinking of going to see him; fortunately we didn't cross paths) and brought me these beautiful purple flowers. My favorite color.

 I spent most of the week at his place using the internet, and helped him make meals and clean his apartment. Late on Wednesday night he turns to me and says "It's been really good having you here everyday. It makes preparing meals a lot easier when there are two people involved. Hey! How would you feel about coming over more often to have dinner ready when I come home. Eh eh?" he said with a slight chuckle.

Now Pause. I know this sounds sexist to all women, and I'm not going to lie, it did to me too- but only for a split second. "Well, if you paid for my gas for me to get up here, I'd consider it if I had an easy schedule" I told him.

"Hmmm..... hmmmm..... interesting....... I'll think about it," he answered.

Yeah that's right. It's not so easy when there are demands!

The way I see it- he's teaching me how to cook. My mom is a great cook, but I never got to learn from her. I think I just didn't really care to. Plus, she's not the best teacher; kind of like "Those who can't do, teach." Well in her case it's more like "I can, so I do" and she always ends up finishing making the meals- leaving me watching TV on the side.

Plus, if Sebastian were to pay for gas and groceries- I think I might have just scored. I'd actually have real food in my belly instead of fast food. And anyway, I see it as balanced work- he's been making the meals since we met- almost one year, so I figure it's only fair that I finally put some effort in that aspect of the relationship.

In the meantime, I'm remaining calm about the job loss and taking in as much of the positive vibes and effort that everyone is giving me.

Optimism is definitely working for me this year. That, and the funny photo ops I see around Houston:

Outside a Chinese Restaurant:

 

Translation- Wanted: Woman to clean tables with experience; who speaks little English is better.

Facebook status updated

Yes, we have finally transitioned into the world of coupledom. Back from dinner one night, I finally got the guts to mention to Sebastian that I wanted to switch our statuses on Facebook. He gladly obliged, so while logged on, he went to edit his info, and dropped down to change status. He even went as far as putting my name down and anniversary date.

 I swallowed hard.

Do I really want every member of his family to know my full name?

The next day, he told me a colleague of his had tried her hand at flirting by coyly mentioning “So… uh… I noticed you had changed your relationship status. How long has it been?”

“Almost a year” he answered.

“Oh wow…..I had no idea” she said.

“Yeah…. I don’t talk about my private life” he told her.

That’s right- we’ve actually been dating since March of last year.

I felt we were slowly coming to an acceptance with our relationship, and that he was finally taking it seriously by updating his status. 

Oh what the hell- who am I kidding? You know very well that Facebook relationship status to a girl is one of the most important statuses she can change. He's taken! Step off! We all dread going back to "single" so when we make the jump to "in a relationship" we instantly expect a fanfare to play out in our celebration.

I wanted it so badly, and the few friends who noticed the change made the wait worthwhile.

I quickly damned myself for posting other links, statuses and photos soon after, resulting in an immediate oversight on this mother of all statuses!

"It happened twice already"

I spent the last weekend with Sebastian, amidst my silence on my health issues. He wasn't too worried about the situation, only stating "And I thought we had seen the last of scares with the Hepatitis last year."

Facebook still says we're single. I wanted to use the weekend as an opportunity to bring it up, but after my "lab scare" felt very hesitant about possibly having to take it back down if we broke up as an effect of my blood work and lab results.

We had been going thru his friends and family on Facebook  when he noticed his wife's cousin had apparently posted a very personal comment on her wall about her marriage. Something along the lines of "Is fed up of being #2 after other women with a husband who doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage."

We both looked at each other, unsure of what the comment really meant.

"Am I reading this right?" I asked

"Wait, I'm not sure either" he answered.

"Did she just say he cheated on her?" I asked again.

"I don't know.... but it sure does sound like it" he said.

A while later, he got on the topic of relationships. "Most men in our family can't hold onto a relationship. I don't know if it's the men that can't make it work, or if it's genetic" he stated. "I mean, my dad separated from my mom, and then dated no more than 4 years with some other women. As for me, look at me, it's already happened twice."

"Uh huh" I said without flinching.

"I mean, I know it's harsh to say it to your face, I don't know about the future. Or maybe I'm jaded, and it could work out between us two" he concluded.

Damn, I wish a had a recording device to air that sh*t out sometimes.

It strengthens me and makes me treat our relationship super casually. It seems to be what he wants anyway, so why put more effort into it? He seems to be fine with our relationship.

But was he always like this? I only have two other long term relationships to compare ours with, and the guys were very dedicated and passionate about "us." Sebastian really isn't.

When I came back home for New Year's, his Facebook had been left on. His friend messaged him as he was at work, and I told the friend he wasn't home. I told him who I was, and he said to tell Sebastian hello when he came back that evening.  Just recently, I went through his phone (cause I have trust issues) and saw their conversation on his text messages:

Friend: Uh.... some chick named Ren just talked to me through your Facebook.  I thought it was you.
Sebastian: Unbelievable! I leave her alone for 5 minutes! Ok, I'll tell her.
Friend: Who is she?
Sebastian: She's a girl I've been seeing on and off. 

Oh the nerve! That's not what you told me you'd talked about when I saw you that day after work!

Sebastian: So uh.... I see you talked to my friend today. What was that all about?
Ren: Oh, well you left your Facebook on and he messaged you. So I messaged him back to say you were at work. It's all right there on the screen. You can check.
Sebastian: Oh, cause he was confused. He didn't know who you were.
Ren: Uh huh....
Sebastian: Yeah, I had to remind him that you were Ren- the chilean girl.
Ren: Uh huh....

Yeah.... I'm just rolling my eyes now.

Confused while under the influence

This weekend was both horrible and good at the same time.

Horrible in the sense that I was sick as a dog with a urinary tract infection and a cold; Good because Sebastian took great care of me as we "bonded."

My parents were on their way back from California, but I was in no mood to spend time with them. Instead, I asked Sebastian if he could make me some chicken soup because I knew I’d feel better the moment I ate it. So I went to his place on Friday night after I did the grocery shopping and he spent about 3 hours preparing the chicken noodle soup- boiling the chicken, making the broth, and preparing the noodles. I quietly watched him prepare it, paying close attention to the preparation process so that I could one day make it myself. We slurped the soup with much gusto, as I quietly felt my worries melting away.

He got on Facebook to check updates when he mentioned “You know, we never changed our status back to ‘In a relationship.’ It still says ‘Single.’”

My eyes opened up in amazement with a mouth full of noodles.

Oh my god….. he finally realized it!

I tried to keep my cool and said “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I think we should change that,” he added.

That’s great! Yes! We should! Finally! I’m tired of seeing SINGLE on HIS profile. But what did I do? Did I change the status?

“Hmmm, yeah,” I answered nonchalantly.

Nope. Missed it again.

[Sighs] Next time. I still want HIM to initiate the move.

The following day, Sebastian used the chicken to make enchiladas. Seeing as to how he had unselfishly prepared the chicken soup, I took it upon myself to shred the chicken- which took more than an hour. As I was shredding, my mind slowly started wandering to the status of our relationship.

How were we doing? Should I open up more? Should I tell him what’s bugging me? Should I bring up the positivity?

The previous night, I had spent more than an hour on the phone with one of my best friends. I had told her that I was having doubts about my relationship with Sebastian in pretty much the same way as the first time around. Then I told her what my other friend had said to me: “She said I was too negative. Do you think that could affect the way he feels about me? Am I putting too much pessimistic vibes in our relationship?”

“Probably. You need to be happy with yourself first. If he sees that you’re not happy, then he’s going to ultimately think ‘Why should I be happy with her if she’s not happy with herself?’ ” she commented.

Deep. It makes sense.

“Ok then. I know that I have to keep fighting to be positive then” I told her.

A while later, under the influence, I took a break from chicken shredding and Sebastian took over. He normally gets more hyper whereas I get relaxed, so I let him talk his head off. Shortly after, he said “I like the girl who’s crazy and mentally unstable. I think it has a lot to do with who I was raised by, my mother being crazy. You know what I mean?”

“Uh yeah. You generally tend to look for, if not prefer, a partner that is similar to your parent” I stated.

“Yes, that’s right. That’s what I'm looking for in a girl: a bit crazy, even though I know it won’t work. That’s what I’m attracted to.”

Even though I was inebriated, I heard and understood every word he said.

“Sebastian, I don’t understand why you always talk about the girl you’re looking for, as in referencing the next girl you’re going to date, when I’m right here” I bluntly pointed out.

“No no, I think you misunderstand me” he tried to say.

“Uh, no. I think I hear it quite simply. You’re always talking about dating, as in the future; after me. I don’t get it. I’m right here.”

“No Ren, that’s not it. I’m only speaking from experience; Who I’ve always been with. Did you see it work out with the others? No. So I know it may seem as if I’m looking for the next thing, but no, that’s not what I mean when I say it.”

It got me even more confused by the way he explained it that I just dropped the subject. Somehow, a while later, I tried to understand what he was trying to clarify, and turned out that he mentioned what he wanted in a girl from what he had previously experienced.

It made more sense. That’s as if I were saying “I want a guy who’s outgoing and exciting,” when Sebastian clearly isn’t the outgoing type. He’s the hermit. But that’s not to say I’m actively looking for the next catch. Sebastian balances himself out. He’s got Pros and Cons- way more Pros than Cons, therefore allowing the chance to offset those qualities I’m not particularly fond of.

I know relationships aren’t 100% perfect. There’s an imperfect balance.

For the rest of the weekend, Sebastian continued to be more caring and still upbeat for me. We didn’t go out, which didn’t bother me too much as it was in the low 40s all weekend long. However, I noticed him smile often, and laugh a whole lot more. It felt nice.

"I'm surprised you can laugh at the silly things I say. Sometimes they're not even that funny but dumb" he mentioned.

"So are you saying I'm dumb for laughing at the things you say?" I asked.

"No. Just that I'm glad we can laugh at just about anything together. It's fun" he added.

Hidden......

That's what I feel like. Hidden by Sebastian. Hidden from his friends. Not present at all.

We were supposed to go to his friends's house for New Year's. I was going to meet them for the first time. And then he found out his ex-wife would be there too, and he cancelled.

"I don't want her drama" he said.

Or maybe you just want to keep me under wraps.

"So?" I responded "She gets to rule wherever she goes?"

"No. She just said that she would be really mean to you. It's nothing personal. She doesn't even know you." he tried to reassure.

"Hmmm huh...... o....k. Whatever" I said.

He knows I won't say anything. He knows I'll just stay quiet, but it's getting to the point where it's starting to play a number in my head.

So for New Year's Eve, we just stayed at his place and watched the countdown on TV. And he went to work the next morning at 8.

What a disappointment.

But we had fun the rest of the weekend, so I can't dismiss it completely.

Then..... on Saturday night, I couldn't sleep.

I couldn't get a conversation we'd had earlier on out of my head.

"I don't see a relationship going past 5 years. That's the average. Like.... anywhere from 4 to 7 years" he said.

I felt..... numb.

Later that night, in bed I said "I'm scared."

"Of what?" he asked.

"Of us. That...... it's not all there" I said.

"Just give me time Ren." he said.

"I hope so. Because there's a lot of things that I'm keeping to myself."

I know there are pros and cons to every relationships, and when it comes to the materialistic sense, he's taken care of me rather well there. In fact, compared to previous relationships, I feel spoiled. But when it comes to feelings, emotions and sentiments....... it's lacking. I need to be reminded that I'm worth something. I want to be flattered. I want a boost to my ego. I want to talk about the possibility of a future together, and put to rest the 5 year expiration date on us.

I don't want to waste time, but I also don't want to rush him if he's not ready. It's almost an oxymoron.

I don't feel like your girlfriend, and I can't consider you as mine either. You're yours. You belong to no one. And I want you to be be mine. I want you to understand that I'm willing to stay here if you're willing to make it last. I know I can be happy with you........ but I know I can't be happy with you if you're not happy with me. Maybe I'm just..... not enough? For your standards?

Maybe I have to prove something?

Casual dating?

In the 9 months that Sebastian and I have been "together," he has managed to meet just about everyone close to me. He has met my parents and sisters, my coworkers, my two groups of Houstonian friends, my grandmother who lives in France, my brother and friends in France, as well as a friend from California.

What have I met of his? Just one coworker while we were in an open relationship.

At first, I found it rather amusing that he had managed to meet just about everyone who was important to me- including people who live in other countries (only because we were vacationing) but then I started thinking why I hadn't met people from his group.

We talked about it and he admitted that he didn't have many friends here in Houston, that most of his friends were in California, and he didn't hang out with people outside of work. I playfully asked him if he was keeping me under wraps and he said that he was just a homebody/hermit. If he wasn't with me, he'd stay at home couped up on the internet, or sketching.

No, I don't think so. You'd be dating someone else.

He reassured me that I'd get to meet some of his friends for New Year's as we'd be spending it with them.

In the meantime, I couldn't get past the idea that he wasn't into monogamy forever. He didn't see relationships past 5 years as he'd get bored with them, didn't believe in marriage after his failed one, but didn't want to dismiss it altogether.

"At this time, I'm just living in the moment. I'm having fun with you, spending time with you, doing new things and going to new places with you." he said.

"It seems as if I'm wasting my time then"  I quipped.

"I wouldn't blame you if you wanted to end things now" he said.

"Your argument sounds like a paradox. You say you don't believe in long term, but won't dismiss it. It's like you don't know what you want" I remarked

"I think you know exactly what I mean. I couldn't have said it better myself" he responded. "I just don't believe two humans are meant to be together forever; I don't know; maybe. Humans are meant to procreate; that's our sole purpose. If a child comes from that relationship, then marriage should be the next step."

"So you only believe in marriage if there's a kid involved?" I asked

"Yes," he said

"So in your opinion, the marriage is for the kid, not for the adults?" I asked

"Yes. It's to protect them." He answered

So I know what I'm walking into. I was told from the beginning. "Let's just live it and let us be happy with each other's company."

What's strange is that a long time ago, I too thought like this. I didn't believe in marriage. I knew that if I got married to the last one, I'd divorce. I didn't believe I could stay with just one person forever. Maybe it was because I was young and didn't believe much in "what the future holds," but now that I'm actually hearing it from someone's mouth, it....... upsets me. It makes me feel like I'm not important to that person. I'm not worth it. Can I hold it against him for being realistic?

On the other hand, I can't help but feel that this is his way of toying with me; of giving me false hopes. I never thought I'd meet the guy I read about in magazines who's afraid of committing and settling down. I always thought I'd meet someone, and we'd agree on the same future. I guess as you get older, you tend to take things more casually because you have more experiences and want to protect yourselves. Until then, I can't bring my walls down- not unless he does first. I don't want to be hurt again, and that sucks, cause there's so much compassion I'd like to share, but believe he doesn't deserve because of the way he says he feels. I sure as hell hope I don't become a husband fluffer.

What do you think?