Wednesday, March 30, 2011

A failed attempt at sex

Nate and I had been exchanging a few flirty texts the week leading to, but hadn't planned on meeting up at all. I'd been out with my girlfriend Noelle and her friends at a club on Washington Ave. that Friday night. I was having a pitiful night, and was texting with Nate and arguing with Wes (go figure) trying to pass time until 2 am rolled by (since we'd taken a cab from my gf's house.) I'd had a few drinks, but was suffering from a painful bladder. Apparently, when I drink, my bladder falls asleep with me, and if I don't remember to pee, I suffer from total blockage the next morning.

Somehow, while I was chatting with some guy, I completely forgot to use the restroom, and was the slave to the porcelain god for a good 15 minutes, unable to even squeeze out a drop. I joked about this to Nate, and somehow, ended up accepting his invitation to pee at his place up in Cypress, about 40 minutes away. When the lounge closed at 2:00 that morning, Noelle said she wanted to go out to her friend's house to sing some Karaoke. I was ready to head over to Nate's then and there, so I told her I needed to go get my car, which was only 10 minutes away.

I called Nate on my way out to his place, and I suggested he order us food since I hadn't eaten all evening. He asked what I wanted, and when I told him Pizza, he said he'd look for an all night pizzeria who would deliver. I arrived at his apartment, and was greeted by his dog Lady, who I hadn't seen since August of last year.

Wow, had it been that long since I'd last seen Nate?

We talked and caught up about small stuff, and genuinely had a few good laughs. We settled down into the couch together and started watching The Sopranos. A little while later, he started caressing my hair and moved my head around to kiss him. I really don't have memories of us having makeout sessions prior to this, just simple kisses.

At around 4:00 am or so, we went into the bedroom, still reeling from excruciating pain from my inactive bladder. I could hardly move, and Nate was up and ready to get down to business.

Oh crap....

I told Nate this, and he encouraged me to use the restroom as much as I needed to get the show on the road. I would get into the bathtub, run the water and push with all my might to try to empty out my bladder, but it just wasn't cooperating. I came back into the bedroom and asked Nate to get a condom out.

"You and your f*cking condoms" he said laughing.
"Well, I'm not on any birth control right now, so yeah, you kinda have to" I said sarcastically.

We proceeded to have a repeat episode of our last show during the summer last year, where as soon as he would put the condom on, he would lose the erection.

[sigh] Great. Here we go again.

"I f*cking hate condoms" he said.
"Why can't you do it?" I asked.
"Cause I can't feel anything with it!" he replied.

We tried a couple more times, to no avail, where at one point, he took off the condom, and
tried without it.

"Stop it Nate. I told you, I'm not on birth control" I said sternly.
"Don't worry, I'll pull out" he said.
"And come where?" I asked him.
"I don't know, on your stomach" he counteroffered.
"Ew, no. Just stop" I told him.

A few thrusts later, Nate stopped and laid back down defeated.
"I hate you" he said.
"Yeah, I know" I replied.

A few hours later, around 7:00 am, I woke up, unable to urinate still, and decided to head on home. I kissed Nate goodbye, and dashed out the front door. Once home, I hopped in the shower and continued pushing. It took me nearly all day to pee and feel comfortable. I later realized that I had probably suffered a urinary tract infection, making it nearly impossible to empty my bladder because I was completely blocked up.

The next night, Nate texted me asking what time I'd left in the morning.
"Around 7:00am or so" I answered.
"Oh wow, I didn't even notice" he replied.
"Really? You said bye" I said.
"Yeah, Nyquil knocked me the f*ck out last night" he ended.

Well, I'm glad one of us doesn't remember it then.


  1. you have to just get used to condoms - i know people who 'claim' their allergic (interestingly they don't use the non-rubber ones...) to get them off the hook. its a case of practice makes perfect.

  2. I have to learn to be more stern About this. I hate worrying about STDs

  3. 1. Tell his whiny self to try putting some lubricant on the INSIDE of the condom. That makes things a bit more mushy in there for him and might alleviate the issue. It won't make him less of a jerk about it, however.

    2. UTIs do not go away on their own, and it is really not normal to not be able to pee to the point where you are in that sort of pain. See a doctor, please? I have all sorts of urinary tract troubles from many years of flat out refusing to pee anywhere but at home, and I would hate to see you suffer the same way on top of what you are already going through!