I felt it was the right time to let go of Wes. I'd returned to OkCupid in search of the next one, when I found Mr. Anime (avid fan) and broke the ice with a Fifth Element quote. We messaged for a few days and had much to share, and when a few days went by without a response, I sent him another message asking if I'd scared him off and wished him a good weekend. He replied saying he thought he'd sent over the message, and instead gave me his number because he wouldn't be coming around to OkCupid any more.
In the meantime, feeling down about the whole Wes/distance situation, I broke down and told him what I was experiencing.
Ren: I actually cringe for the day you'll say "Yeah, I need some quiet time" lol cause that'll be a hard pill to swallow.
Ren: Cause then I'll know I've officially exhausted you. Maybe I'm getting too attached and that's not good.
Wes: Not bad either.
Ren: And that's what I'm scared of. Liking someone- falling for someone who's only going to last a season, someone who's going to walk away just as easily as they walked in. That's why I hold back [because it's not worth it].
Wes: Ahhh I'm not going anywhere without reason.
Ren: I'm gonna go to sleep. Have a good night.
Wes: Is something wrong?
Ren: Idk. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just need to... clear my head.
Wes: Did I say something wrong?
Ren: Nothing wrong.
Wes: I don't understand.
Ren: I just hope that some day you can understand that you're not on your own, that there's someone who honestly cares for you and wants you to find happiness. And that person is me.
Wes: Where is this coming from?
Ren: That comes from the heart.
Wes: Seems like something else is bothering you.
Ren: You not being able to be here is probably the biggest factor. And I know there's nothing either one of us can do about it, and it's all moot.
Wes: I'll be back soon enough sweetheart
The next day, I didn't say hello and Wes texted me around mid-morning with "I didn't get a good morning text :(."
It actually broke my heart a little that he was upset.
A few days later Mr. Anime and I talked on the phone for the first time, and remain glued for 5 hours- always a good sign. The next night, in the middle of my conversation with Mr. Anime, I received a text from Wes:
It didn't hit me at first; I thought it was one of my friends being silly. But when I got up to look at it, I froze. Those are some pretty powerful words.
Ren: What are you doing?
Ren: Is that why you said what you said?
Ren: Tell me why you said it
Wes: Because I feel it
I firmly believe in the "proverb" "A sober man's thoughts are a drunk man's words", mainly because it strips away all inhibitions and lets a person act out on impulses. God knows I've kissed a "friend" or two while tipsy just because I had the courage to do so and wouldn't be offended if they pushed me away.
Wes and I didn't exactly discuss the subject further, and I simply dropped it because I didn't know what else to say. Over the weekend, I met Mr. Anime for the first time, and spent most of my available time hanging together. Along the way, Wes texted me asking me if he'd done something wrong because I wasn't talking to him much the last few days.
Ren: No nothing at all. It was just hurting too much to like someone who was so far away. I felt like keeping distance would help.
Wes: Why? And does it help?
Ren: Being alone helps.
Wes: Want me to leave you alone then?
Ren: I'm sorry
Wes: No need to apologize. I'll back off. I don't want to upset you.
I was being partially honest. Though it was true that the distance was putting a halt to anything I'd want to possibly experiment on with Wes, I hadn't told him about Mr. Anime being in the background. Main reason was out of selfishness, but also out of privacy. Wes never asked me to be exclusive together, and I didn't feel right bringing up the fact that I had just seen someone new over the weekend.
So what did I do?
Find out next.