Monday, January 31, 2011

Online romance Part II

[continued from the previous post here]

I felt it was the right time to let go of Wes. I'd returned to OkCupid in search of the next one, when I found Mr. Anime (avid fan) and broke the ice with a Fifth Element quote. We messaged for a few days and had much to share, and when a few days went by without a response, I sent him another message asking if I'd scared him off and wished him a good weekend. He replied saying he thought he'd sent over the message, and instead gave me his number because he wouldn't be coming around to OkCupid any more.

In the meantime, feeling down about the whole Wes/distance situation, I broke down and told him what I was experiencing.

Ren: I actually cringe for the day you'll say "Yeah, I need some quiet time" lol cause that'll be a hard pill to swallow.
Wes: Why
Ren: Cause then I'll know I've officially exhausted you. Maybe I'm getting too attached and that's not good.
Wes: Not bad either.
Ren: And that's what I'm scared of. Liking someone- falling for someone who's only going to last a season, someone who's going to walk away just as easily as they walked in. That's why I hold back [because it's not worth it].
Wes: Ahhh I'm not going anywhere without reason.
Ren: I'm gonna go to sleep. Have a good night.
Wes: Is something wrong?
Ren: Idk. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just need to... clear my head.
Wes: Did I say something wrong?
Ren: Nothing wrong.
Wes: I don't understand.
Ren: I just hope that some day you can understand that you're not on your own, that there's someone who honestly cares for you and wants you to find happiness. And that person is me.
Wes: Where is this coming from?
Ren: That comes from the heart.
Wes: Seems like something else is bothering you.
Ren: You not being able to be here is probably the biggest factor. And I know there's nothing either one of us can do about it, and it's all moot.
Wes: I'll be back soon enough sweetheart

The next day, I didn't say hello and Wes texted me around mid-morning with "I didn't get a good morning text :(."
It actually broke my heart a little that he was upset.

A few days later Mr. Anime and I talked on the phone for the first time, and remain glued for 5 hours- always a good sign. The next night, in the middle of my conversation with Mr. Anime, I received a text from Wes:

It didn't hit me at first; I thought it was one of my friends being silly. But when I got up to look at it, I froze. Those are some pretty powerful words.

Ren: What are you doing?
Wes: Drinking
Ren: Is that why you said what you said?
Wes: No
Ren: Tell me why you said it
Wes: Because I feel it

I firmly believe in the "proverb" "A sober man's thoughts are a drunk man's words", mainly because it strips away all inhibitions and lets a person act out on impulses. God knows I've kissed  a "friend" or two while tipsy just because I had the courage to do so and wouldn't be offended if they pushed me away.

Wes and I didn't exactly discuss the subject further, and I simply dropped it because I didn't know what else to say. Over the weekend, I met Mr. Anime for the first time, and spent most of my available time hanging together. Along the way, Wes texted me asking me if he'd done something wrong because I wasn't talking to him much the last few days.

Ren: No nothing at all. It was just hurting too much to like someone who was so far away. I felt like keeping distance would help.
Wes: Why? And does it help?
Ren: Being alone helps.
Wes: Want me to leave you alone then?
Ren: I'm sorry
Wes: No need to apologize. I'll back off. I don't want to upset you.

I was being partially honest. Though it was true that the distance was putting a halt to anything I'd want to possibly experiment on with Wes, I hadn't told him about Mr. Anime being in the background. Main reason was out of selfishness, but also out of privacy. Wes never asked me to be exclusive together, and I didn't feel right bringing up the fact that I had just seen someone new over the weekend.

So what did I do?

Find out next.

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

Online romance

A few weeks, I began feeling very lonely and somehow fell into a depressed moment. Everyone around me was talking about their significant others, leaving me alone to contribute nothing to the conversations. So I caved and messaged the one person who'd been there, paying attention to me: Wes.

(I found Wes online, two years ago, but never got the chance to meet him in person because of the other person I was dating at the time)

Right on Christmas Eve/ Day, Wes and I broke off our friendship and stopped talking altogether. I deleted him from Facebook, and blocked him from MSN and AIM chat (or so I thought.) When I didn't hear from him with an appology within the next few days, I realized our frienship hadn't been genuine in the least. I pushed him out of my mind, and carried on about my life.... until the first week of January, when he messaged me with "what's up perty lady?"

I quickly called him out on it, reminding him that we weren't on speaking terms, and if he remembered why. He said he didn't and tried to make a quick escape, but fueled with anger, I pressed on the matter even further. We "argued" for the next 2 hours about what'd been said, what we really meant, and trying to resolve things out, until I just walked out. It was apparent that neither one of us wanted to stop talking to the other, and for the next few days, we slowly started dipping our feet back to test the waters after our "storm."

We slowly started getting comfortable with each other until I admited to him that I'd been feeling down about being reminded that I was single... over and over again. Over the course of the next few days, I started flirting, saying sweet things I knew would keep his attention. We didn't have anything in common, but he was always there to pay attention to me, and that's where I admit I gave in.

One Saturday night, things became quite clear.

Wes: I think it's obvious by now that I like the shit out of you
Ren: Well I'm glad that you were finally able to admit it after dancing around it for the past two years.
Wes: Seeing as how you want honesty so much right now.... I think i have fallen for you.... and I've never met you.... how sad is that?
Ren:  It's not sad. I just think you've been blinded :)

The next day:

Ren: About the msg I got early this morning [around 3am]?
Wes: I think it was kind of straight forward.
Ren: Was wondering if maybe alcohol was a pushing factor.
Wes: No. It was probably the reason I actually said it. But it isn't a false statement
Ren: You're falling for me?
Wes: Maybe so... kind of sad seeing as how we never met, but oh well I can't help it.
Ren: Why? Spit it out. Why do you like me?
Wes: You are always a sweetheart and always let me know when you don't agree with something I say.[So true. I don't take his shit] Smart, beautiful, got your shit together.
Ren: You know just what to say. Flattery hits the spot :)

The days following, we coyly continued talking, texting each other, sharing about our day. And one night, I felt it. The "L" word.

Oh shit. Noooo. Get it out of your head, he's not right for you; not only that, but he live 20+ hours away!

I knew the reasons why I was falling for him:
1) He gave me all the attention I craved for; he was always happy to respond to me, regardless of how busy he was with work and school
2) He complimented me repeatedly
3) He was sweet towards me, aside the fact that he was a tough guy on the outside.

Yep Guys, that's what we all want. Attention, flattery, kindness, romance. Did I leave anything out?

However, having him far away, unable to come to Houston until the summertime because of school, I was hurting myself more than I wanted. And I decided it was time to slowly begin to let go of this online romance..... and begin looking for someone in my own backyard...... [to be continued on the next post]

Tuesday, January 25, 2011

"I don't think you'll ever settle down"

I didn't know how to take the diss. My brother said this to me when I saw him during vacation last December. Might I add that I'd only met him once before, when I was 16.

"You just don't strike me as the person who will one day get married."

I looked at him, wide eyes, unsure of what to make of it. How the hell could he come up with this conclusion anyway? I was just ending my 25th year at the time, single, and found it flabbergasting that he could say such a thing, especially since we didn't even know one another. In all my years, I'd only spoken to him twice.

Some people tend to view us singles as lost causes. Where the hell did it become a necessity to be involved in a relationship? My cousin added to the sting by asking me "You're single, so you're alone."

"Excuse me? I'm single but not alone" I bluntly told her.

"What does that mean?" she said

"It means that I date, but am not interested in a relationship. I go out and have fun with different guys" I told her. I'm personally not ready to give that up yet.

Some don't seem to understand this "dating" concept- especially the ones who are in committed relationships, yet, my older relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins are supportive of my decisions, and I know why.

"Being with someone for the rest of your life gets.... tedious.... even boring- especially if you marry really young" said an uncle. "Sure you have that comfort with one person, but I miss the excitement of being able to try someone something new."

My non-single friends see it the same way "It must be fun to be single- you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and you never have to answer to anyone."

Hallelujah- hell to the YES!! I don't want to be trapped yet.

I don't know what I want in a guy, which is why I'm still looking and dating. I want to live life, I want to experience it with different people, is that so bad?

Saturday, January 8, 2011

I'm glad that you cancelled but...

I first started talking to Paul during the summertime. He was still living in Ohio at the time, but was on his way to move to Houston for work very shortly. During that time, I was dating back to back, and quickly lost sight of him. When I finally slowed down after Phillip, I sent him an email that went unanswered for over a month. I had come to terms that he'd probably just ignored me completely, seeing as to how I'd ignored him when I'd been dating others in the beginning.

Then, a month later, a response finally makes its way into my inbox.

Sorry for the delay in response. My schedule has been incredibly hectic and I finally reached a lull.
Would you like to continue chatting or meet to see if there is any spark?
I know the holidays are a hectic time of the year, so now might not be the best time, but maybe after Christmas or the New Year?

We continued emailing and met up at a quiet cafe the weekend before Christmas. It wasn't exactly love at first sight. He wasn't ugly, just.... bland in my opinion. Plain yogurt. We had an okay time over some ceviche and talked for a couple of hours before we both went our separate ways. We continued emailing over the holidays, but never talked on the phone again. I'd told him of RHPS (I'm a big fanatic) and he had said he'd be happy to go, so we set up a date for the second saturday of the following month.

The days leading up to Saturday, he invited me out to go watch the Sugar Bowl (college football) for his home team, at a bar. I'd never seen a game in its entirety, so when I showed up, I didn't know what to expect. I wished someone would have told me it lasted over 3 hours. I might have reconsidered it. We had a couple of pitchers of beer though near the end, both of us got quiet when we started feeling the effect of alcohol.... and getting tired as well. The game ended, I went home and to sleep.

Earlier today, I was hanging out with my sisters, knowing that Paul and I had agreed to meet at 8:30 for dinner before going to the movie. Since I hadn't heard a beep from him since the game that night, I decided to send him a text to find out if he was still willing to go- I personally didn't feel like going, but I wasn't going to cancel for no reason.

Well, it was a relief to see him cancel, yet, I don't like it when others cancel on me. I clearly didn't pay attention when I wrote him back; there's no point the movie at home- you need to go out with a live audience to enjoy the full effect. I went on OkCupid to stalk and saw him "online now."

Oh well, looks like another quiet Saturday night at home with the family.

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Older Man Crush Alert

The Older Man first came into the picture when I lived in California and I was 18. I had a repeat episode this past year to which I explained to him I was not interested romantically. He let up until he texted me again for the holiday season. I replied with a "closed message"- you know, those that really don't require a response, the ones that go a little something like "You too, hope you had fun. Take care"?

I guess he just didn't see it that way. A while later he writes

Chris: I sent u a friend request on facebook

My eyes widened with despair and I actually gasped out loud.

Oh nooooOOOOoooooooo.

Ren: How did you find me?
Chris: Typed in ur name.

Bullshit!! I went back a did a search, just to make sure it was still hard to find me. And it was. I spelled my name differently, and I have my last name hyphenated, so this guy must have done some digging to find me. But it didn't help that my photo had my face clearly showing who I was.


Chris: Looking up old friends!

Damnit! I quickly had to log onto Facebook and begin hiding my details, contact info, family and certain pictures which might garner comments from him. I mean... my dad logs in there too!

I accepted him and waited for the damage to come.

And two:

Go# Da@% Sh&^!!

I asked for it. No doubt about it.

A few hours later by text: [Edited for your viewing pleasure]

How many more signs do I have to toss out before he gets the point? I'm sorry you're too old for me- I'd feel like shit if I went after a 20 year old and he told me that at 26, I was too old. I get it. But, man, you're 20 years older- I'm not comfortable with that right now. Ease off!

But I know, I know... it's my fault. I can't say NO sternly enough.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

Unreliable Backup

I met Phillip back in October on POF. We talked for a couple of weeks, sharing about each other's pasts,  before deciding to meet up, although the night we did, we were both already buzzed  (just enough to warrant a 3:00 am meeting in the Wal-Mart parking lot.)

As soon as I got in his car, I was clearly disappointed and no longer seemed in the mood to talk.

His pictures clearly showed a side I hadn't seen on Facebook. The full frontal pose that is. It wasn't that he was ugly... he just wasn't able to make me go "Wow" in my head. He was by other standards... alright.

Phillip was over excited, hyper and very talkative "Wow, you're really cute!" "Thanks" I answered shyly. "Are you alright? You're not really talkative" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm just tired" I told him. "Are you sure? I mean, tell you what- you can leave right now, and I won't be upset" he counter-offered.

I really did consider it, but given the fact that it would be bitchiest thing to do, I decided against it. So what did I do? I took him back to my apartment.

What can I say, I have needs too. 

Once back home, I came face to face to an unpredictable surprise. Can you guess what it was?

Over the next few days, we continued talking, but I was clearly not interested in dating him- he wasn't exactly eye candy. Moreover, he didn't give me the attention I wanted. A week later, he said he'd be joining the Air Force the next year (something which I'd already been warned prior to our first meeting.) I jumped on the opportunity for backup sex knowing I wouldn't have him for much longer.

Didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to.

Phillip strained, and mentioned that he was worried it wouldn't be a good idea saying that I might get attached and get hurt.

We danced around the idea for a while until we met up for drinks one night after Halloween. He had seen my costume and had suggested I wear it one night for a hookup. I considered but didn't confirm anything- until we came back to my apartment for a second try.

(Most of you saw the picture from a previous post)

He spent the night and left early morning as I lounged in my apartment. As the days went by, I tried my hardest to get him to repeat the action, but he was disappointed that I needed to be drunk to perform the act. I don't blame him for wanting me to be sober, but quite honestly, I had 10 times more fun being inebriated.

A few weeks later, I went on vacation, and we continued chatting while I was abroad. I came back with the intention of hanging out, except it never quite happened. He kept canceling plans at the last minute, all of which were playing with my nerves and patience. At the end of December, I simply gave up and stopped initiating the talks. On Christmas day however, he invited me out to a pool hall with his friend to hang out. We hung out for a while until he started talking about how hot our waitress was, and I'd decided it was never going to work out.

I told him good night and left, but not before walking me out. Once at my car, Phillip said to me "So I guess there's no point in taking advantage of you tonight and taking you back to my place?"

[scoff] "Uh nope, not gonna happen" I answered.

"Oh wow, just like that?" he asked.

"Yep, it wasn't going to happen tonight" I told him.

He went to give me a hug as I saw him reach for my lips to which I quickly retreated. I heard him mumble under his breath something to the effect of "Well why do you think I walked you out?"

"Good night Phillip"  I finished.

On my way home, he texted saying:

To which I ended with "Ok."

BS. Friends with benefits means you need to offer a little more effort when hooking up. I'd already done my share of the legwork and didn't really appreciate the fact that he called me out for being hungry all the time.

Dude, it's not like you have a dick made of gold. You're far from it.

***One Month Earlier***

"So am I the smallest guy you've been with?" he asked.

I tried to hold back pity. "No, my first was smaller." 

I lied.

"Oh good, so I'm only the second smallest, yes!" he replied. 

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

"It's embarrassing though. I'm 6' tall and I have a 7 inch penis" he continued.

I've seen 7 inches, and they're quite a few inches bigger than what you've got. What ruler are you using?

Monday, January 3, 2011

Knowing your limits

You're a friend and you need to stay in that zone damnit!

I met David on POF (I meet most of my guys from dating websites, surprised?) last year as a FRIEND. At least, that's all it has ever been for me. I was with Sebastian at the time and never threw any signals up in the air- or so I thought.

David and I clicked on a friendship level, talking about our gripes in the dating world and about everything else: friends, family, health, school- LIFE in general. We never talked on the phone- it was all through email and some texting. Over time, I too lost track of him, and couldn't ever really focus on what he was doing with his life.

A few months ago, I sent him an email that went  unanswered for a whiiile. Some time later, he finally got around to responding, and during the Christmas season sent me a few texts. He asked me how the "boy" was doing, clearly referring to Sebastian. He asked me if I was working over new year's and when I responded that I got the 3rd off he said "I was gonna see if you'd be available for a trip to New Orleans-" wait, what? "but thinking about it wouldn't make sense; too many family folk are going"- phewWeirdo.

The following week, we decided to go out for drinks to catch up and met up halfway. We had drinks at a retro bar and played trivia as I listened to him talk about school and the dating scene. About an hour later, I'm feeling extremely bored and decide to head home. As we're saying good bye, he comes in to give me a hug- one of those hugs that lasts two seconds too long.


As I try to pull away, I can feel his head trying to turn towards mine, still very much embracing me. I turn the other way as his head follows, his face coming towards mine.

[Gasp] Oh noooooo.

 I continue arching my face away as I see his lips coming towards mine. I turn and he lands a kiss on my cheek.

At this point he still has his arms around me, as I try to fidget my way out of them.

Dude, let go!

Once finally freed from his deathly grip, he says with a huge smile "you should invite me over to your place sometime."

Scoffs. "Yeah right" I answer.

"Okay" he laughs nervously.

I quickly get in my car, and speed the hell out of the parking lot, rethinking what the sam-f*&@ just happened back there.

I've always wondered what to do in situations like this. I can understand that attraction between friends can happen- it's normal, but how do you make it obvious you're NOT interested in them THAT WAY? One could say it's as simple as stating it up front, but doesn't that sound a bit.... egocentric? The signs aren't always there.... and the other person could simply say "Well, you were throwing out all the signs!!"

What signs were those?? Being nice? Laughing at your jokes? Teasi-- oh.... shit.... I got it....
Yeah, I can see how you could possibly think I'm interested in you THAT WAY......


Sunday, January 2, 2011

Oh so you're married now?

Roger and I had a thing a few years back. I was too naive to know that he was merely  sewing his wild oats and not looking for anything serious. He went away to Afghanistan for work on a 5-year contract and hardly heard from him since.

During the course of the year, he messaged me through Facebook when he would see me online, but we hardly talked about anything interesting. He did however begin to act quite differently.

He brought up "our past"- which I had long ago filed into my "do-not-ever-revisit" folder which had worked out quite effectively.

At one point, Roger asked me to marry him, and I deduced it to be run of the mill shit talk. I blamed it on being so far away, alone, in a desert with no female in sight and only an internet connection to the outside world. It was natural for him to fall on me, a backup from years before.

While on my trip to Chile in late November, Roger messaged me once more.

It didn't affect me in any way. If anything, I was surprised he thought that I was still the same gullible girl as before, who was more than willing to eat it all up. He told me he was coming back to Houston for a visit in late December, to which I took as an invitation to hang out.

Boy was I wrong....

On the night of Shannon's going-away dinner, we went to a popular Mexican restaurant which I'd frequented years before with Roger and the gang, when we all hung out as a group. As I was paying for my drink, I look up at the other side of the counter and see him, along with two of our other acquaintances (a couple).

I try shouting out for him, but the noise in the bar is so much that he can't hear me calling him. I get my cell phone out to call him, but get his voicemail right away. When I look up, he finally sees me and a stare of shock/surprise comes up on his face. I try to wave him over to say hi, but he ignores it completely and tells me to come over instead. I make my way over, hug him and say hello to the other couple. The guy looks surprised as well and articulates clearly "This is Mrs. West, Roger's wife" and points to the woman behind me with a warning look.

"Wife?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!" I tell her excitedly as I give her a welcome hug and introduce myself.

I turn around to look at Roger and give him a raised eyebrow and mouth "wife??" as he nervously looks away.

"When did you get married?" I ask

"5 days ago" she answers.

"Wooow. This is great!" I tell her.

I continue catching up with the other couple until our table is ready for dinner and I separate myself from them. I fill my friends in on the ordeal and tell them what had happened previously to which they say "%#@$ him."

At the end of our dinner, I decide to head over to say bye and feel someone grab me by the waist. I turn around, thinking that it was my gay friend, and come face to face with Roger who gives me a hug.

"So how you been?" he asks.

"You're married now? So was this before or after you proposed to me?" I ask him.

"Uuh....." he says as I trail off to find his friends.

I didn't care that he was married; if you ask me, he was duping everyone. What pissed me off was that he could be such an asshole. I know it's silly to think about it, and it was obvious that it wasn't actually real, but I can't help but think how many other girls he fed the same story to. I knew he hadn't changed, and I knew to keep my guard up- and for good reason obviously. He just wanted to get married. Didn't matter to who really.