Online romance Part II

[continued from the previous post here]

I felt it was the right time to let go of Wes. I'd returned to OkCupid in search of the next one, when I found Mr. Anime (avid fan) and broke the ice with a Fifth Element quote. We messaged for a few days and had much to share, and when a few days went by without a response, I sent him another message asking if I'd scared him off and wished him a good weekend. He replied saying he thought he'd sent over the message, and instead gave me his number because he wouldn't be coming around to OkCupid any more.

In the meantime, feeling down about the whole Wes/distance situation, I broke down and told him what I was experiencing.

Ren: I actually cringe for the day you'll say "Yeah, I need some quiet time" lol cause that'll be a hard pill to swallow.
Wes: Why
Ren: Cause then I'll know I've officially exhausted you. Maybe I'm getting too attached and that's not good.
Wes: Not bad either.
Ren: And that's what I'm scared of. Liking someone- falling for someone who's only going to last a season, someone who's going to walk away just as easily as they walked in. That's why I hold back [because it's not worth it].
Wes: Ahhh I'm not going anywhere without reason.
Ren: I'm gonna go to sleep. Have a good night.
Wes: Is something wrong?
Ren: Idk. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just need to... clear my head.
Wes: Did I say something wrong?
Ren: Nothing wrong.
Wes: I don't understand.
Ren: I just hope that some day you can understand that you're not on your own, that there's someone who honestly cares for you and wants you to find happiness. And that person is me.
Wes: Where is this coming from?
Ren: That comes from the heart.
Wes: Seems like something else is bothering you.
Ren: You not being able to be here is probably the biggest factor. And I know there's nothing either one of us can do about it, and it's all moot.
Wes: I'll be back soon enough sweetheart

The next day, I didn't say hello and Wes texted me around mid-morning with "I didn't get a good morning text :(."
It actually broke my heart a little that he was upset.

A few days later Mr. Anime and I talked on the phone for the first time, and remain glued for 5 hours- always a good sign. The next night, in the middle of my conversation with Mr. Anime, I received a text from Wes:

It didn't hit me at first; I thought it was one of my friends being silly. But when I got up to look at it, I froze. Those are some pretty powerful words.

Ren: What are you doing?

Wes: Drinking

Ren: Is that why you said what you said?

Wes: No

Ren: Tell me why you said it

Wes: Because I feel it

I firmly believe in the "proverb" "A sober man's thoughts are a drunk man's words", mainly because it strips away all inhibitions and lets a person act out on impulses. God knows I've kissed  a "friend" or two while tipsy just because I had the courage to do so and wouldn't be offended if they pushed me away.

Wes and I didn't exactly discuss the subject further, and I simply dropped it because I didn't know what else to say. Over the weekend, I met Mr. Anime for the first time, and spent most of my available time hanging together. Along the way, Wes texted me asking me if he'd done something wrong because I wasn't talking to him much the last few days.

Ren: No nothing at all. It was just hurting too much to like someone who was so far away. I felt like keeping distance would help.

Wes: Why? And does it help?

Ren: Being alone helps.

Wes: Want me to leave you alone then?

Ren: I'm sorry

Wes: No need to apologize. I'll back off. I don't want to upset you.

I was being partially honest. Though it was true that the distance was putting a halt to anything I'd want to possibly experiment on with Wes, I hadn't told him about Mr. Anime being in the background. Main reason was out of selfishness, but also out of privacy. Wes never asked me to be exclusive together, and I didn't feel right bringing up the fact that I had just seen someone new over the weekend.

So what did I do?

Find out next.

Oh so you're married now?

Roger and I had a thing a few years back. I was too naive to know that he was merely  sewing his wild oats and not looking for anything serious. He went away to Afghanistan for work on a 5-year contract and hardly heard from him since.

During the course of the year, he messaged me through Facebook when he would see me online, but we hardly talked about anything interesting. He did however begin to act quite differently.

He brought up "our past"- which I had long ago filed into my "do-not-ever-revisit" folder which had worked out quite effectively.

At one point, Roger asked me to marry him, and I deduced it to be run of the mill shit talk. I blamed it on being so far away, alone, in a desert with no female in sight and only an internet connection to the outside world. It was natural for him to fall on me, a backup from years before.

While on my trip to Chile in late November, Roger messaged me once more.

It didn't affect me in any way. If anything, I was surprised he thought that I was still the same gullible girl as before, who was more than willing to eat it all up. He told me he was coming back to Houston for a visit in late December, to which I took as an invitation to hang out.

Boy was I wrong....

On the night of Shannon's going-away dinner, we went to a popular Mexican restaurant which I'd frequented years before with Roger and the gang, when we all hung out as a group. As I was paying for my drink, I look up at the other side of the counter and see him, along with two of our other acquaintances (a couple).

I try shouting out for him, but the noise in the bar is so much that he can't hear me calling him. I get my cell phone out to call him, but get his voicemail right away. When I look up, he finally sees me and a stare of shock/surprise comes up on his face. I try to wave him over to say hi, but he ignores it completely and tells me to come over instead. I make my way over, hug him and say hello to the other couple. The guy looks surprised as well and articulates clearly "This is Mrs. West, Roger's wife" and points to the woman behind me with a warning look.

"Wife?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!" I tell her excitedly as I give her a welcome hug and introduce myself.

I turn around to look at Roger and give him a raised eyebrow and mouth "wife??" as he nervously looks away.

"When did you get married?" I ask

"5 days ago" she answers.

"Wooow. This is great!" I tell her.

I continue catching up with the other couple until our table is ready for dinner and I separate myself from them. I fill my friends in on the ordeal and tell them what had happened previously to which they say "%#@$ him."

At the end of our dinner, I decide to head over to say bye and feel someone grab me by the waist. I turn around, thinking that it was my gay friend, and come face to face with Roger who gives me a hug.

"So how you been?" he asks.

"You're married now? So was this before or after you proposed to me?" I ask him.

"Uuh....." he says as I trail off to find his friends.

I didn't care that he was married; if you ask me, he was duping everyone. What pissed me off was that he could be such an asshole. I know it's silly to think about it, and it was obvious that it wasn't actually real, but I can't help but think how many other girls he fed the same story to. I knew he hadn't changed, and I knew to keep my guard up- and for good reason obviously. He just wanted to get married. Didn't matter to who really.

An apology 4 years later

It's been 4 years since I broke up with one of the greatest loves of my life- the person who I planned to marry, the person I never doubted, and the only person who treated me like a queen. His name was (still is) Josh.

That 4-year relationship came to a screeching halt when I moved with my family from California to Texas. It was a deafening wake-up call from fantasy, one that left me single for 2.5 years (until I met Sebastian) and has made me depressed ever since.

ANywAy......

Once we broke up, we never saw eye to eye on things, and while we were both hurt and angry at each other, we proceeded to alienate ourselves from one another and never be on speaking terms again. A year later, I called him to ask for money that he owed me, hoping he would somehow be able to pay me back. He promised that he would, but never did. The following year, in 2008, Hurricane Ike hit Houston, and while the rest of the country was watching the news, Josh wrote to me and asked if I was okay. We tried to make peace, but things were still painful for me and we eventually became bitter and angry at each other again. That was the last I heard of him.

Until this week......

It's Monday morning, and I'm checking my phone and see a notification on my Facebook.
I have a new message and it doesn't hit me until I read the sender's name.
Him.

"I really need to apologize for everything that ever happened.  I've been dwelling a lot lately about getting older, and growing up in general. I blamed you for the shit that happened between us for a long time, and it's taken me a while-- but I realize that I share blame in what happened between you and I. I was immature and young, and while I'll never condone the way you treated me, I instigated and forced upon you issues that you never should have dealt with.  What we both did to one another wasn't fair in the slightest, and I apologize for the stupid shit I put you through. 

Sorry to bother you. I know it's been forever, but I had to get it off my chest."

I was surprised and confused. I don't think he ever did anything remotely as bad as I did to him. Still, I couldn't help but wonder why he was coming back so many years later with an apology that he really didn't need to make.

I responded the following afternoon:

"You never did anything wrong. If anything, the only wrong thing you did was caring too much for someone who didn't deserve it..... I learned to understand that I was immature and irresponsible to have been in that relationship. I'm sure things worked out for the best and I'm glad you can finally put this behind you and move on, although, I quite honestly thought you had already."

He went on to say that looking back, he'd realized that he'd forced me to be with him (though I don't consider it so) and because he was unable to control his emotions, he put my family and I through some trying situations. He continued saying that he thought he was over it too, but some things had happened that were a consequence of what had happened between us two in the past, though indirectly. Frankly, it made me curious, because I really don't know how someone can still harbor "grudges" or "sentiments" for something that happened so long ago- especially since he is still with the same girlfriend, 4 years later.

"As far as if it worked out for the best: It's had some good things come out of it, and some bad."

Regardless of the vague statements he expressed, I still thanked him for the apology. I knew him well enough then to know that he is probably feeling depressed now; Possibly because of how his life turned out. I don't know, I'm only guessing.