Sunday, July 31, 2011

Jump to Conclusions

A few nights after having drinks at Brian O'Neill's in Rice Village, Slut Monster asked if I had been on a date. I told her yes and when she asked more questions about him, I told her I didn't want to talk about it.  When it comes to dating, I'm very private. I don't like to divulge too much information because to date, it hasn't worked out past the first month, and I look pathetic. So she said "Oh, are you sad? Like me? I'm here for you."

Quick to jump to conclusions. Girl please. I'm not the one who had sex with a stranger and thought it would work out. I texted back "No, I prefer not to talk about it just yet because it's still new and I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to get too excited in case it doesn't work out."

I tell my readers, but it's different cause this is anonymous. I don't want to tell people I know until some considerable time has passed. I feel like a f*cking idiot when it doesn't work out with a new guy. Kinda like Slut Monster and her wide array of one night stands.

Anyway, she kept writing and I stepped away so I didn't see her messages until she logged off. She got pissed that I wasn't sharing about my guy and that I'd told her not to have sex with the guy on the first night- cause apparently I'd done it....? She called me a "biatch" and even  though it may have been a joke, I didn't like it and I told her to be careful with her words and she blew up!

"I am kidding what the hell if you still continue to tell me that lets not talk to each other anymore ok??? "

I told her she had some serious issues.

There is a reason why I don't have many gfs, and last night I realized why. It's not that they have drama, or are catty and vicious. No, it's not that. It's more that they are too F*CKING emotional and don't like it when I treat them like one of the guys. I got issues of my own- I don't want to bother playing the motherly role to soothe your feelings.

F*&^$#& b#@%$. D@mn.

/end rant

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Lost Condom

The IT Pilot and I met up again to go out and see "The Hangover" and have drinks at O'Neill's the weekend after he came back from his trip to Alabama with his friend to visit their parents. We had a relaxed night, and considering that it was a Sunday night, the bar was pretty calm. We talked about music, discussed the movie- "Your password is Bologna1?"

We went back to his apartment, and settled into bed. We began kissing, and slowly positioned ourselves to have sex. We were having sex and as he came, that's when it happened. Even though he wears a condom, he still pulls out as he's coming. I had another guy (Tiny Penis) who did that, and it annoyed me, but as he came, I am glad that he did.

He looks down and says "Oh shit. The condom came off." "What??" I exclaimed. I had previously told him that I have a tendency to squeeze so hard that the condoms got lost inside me- which is exactly what happened this time around. It had only ever happened with Sebastian (a few times.) I told him "You're going to have to play doctor and reach in and feel for it to pull it out."  With a confused look on his face, he says "What? Me pull it out?"

"Uh, well yeah- I can't pull it out myself. I can't reach that far" I explained.

He went in and felt around, with a perplexed smile on his face and finally managed to pinch it and pull it out. What a relief.

Oooh which reminds me, I need to go in for my pap smear soon!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Single Life

I continued living the "single life" while I spent my nights away from the IT Pilot. Since we hadn't made anything official, I knew it was all fair for me to hang out with my girlfriends at clubs since he wasn't into the scene.

One night, I met up with one of my girlfriends and her acquaintances at Pearl Bar. I happened to run into a guy (James) that I'd dated about two years ago for a short while. He has a Chilean girlfriend now, and I'd been wanting to meet her for a while because he'd been talking her up. He invited me out a few times with her but I couldn't make it. We even went out for drinks about a month ago to catch up since we hadn't seen each other since we'd dated.  Anyway, that night at Pearl, he happened to be there with her, and I tell him I want to meet her. She comes around a short while later and I'm really chipper and everything and I say "Finally I get to meet you!!" and the first thing she says is "Oh were you guys planning to meet here?"- in a snappy attitude.

I'm like, WTF.... ? She hardly said more than two sentences and she was just a bitch! She said she was bored and etc. and wanted to head out. Now I remember why I don't like to meet or get along with other Chileans my age group. They're f*cking assholes and stuck up b*tches- WITHOUT FAIL every single time.

My girlfriend, who is referred to as "Slut Monster" (because she falls in love and sleeps with a new guy every week, and is a major Lady Gaga Fan) met a new guy and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. I mostly played third wheel, but I was okay with that because I don't like to meet guys at bars. Most of the time they're drunk and unable to have coherent or intelligent conversations. Plus, I wasn't going to make it thru my second beer cause I needed to drive home, so I stopped drinking and just sat there, keeping them company.

Anyway, the guy seemed very gentlemanly. He'd talk to me as well, to include me in the conversation and even asked me for permission to take her out to dinner. When he went to close out the tab, I told her not to screw this one up, and to withhold sex for tonight at least. He said he had some friends over at his place for a party, so I followed them there, but decided to leave when I got there because I was really tired. At the end he said to me "Well, I will see you soon" so that sounded pretty sincere on his part.

Of course, within the days following, Slut Monster would tell me that she had fallen in love with the "Gentleman", decided to become his new roommate, argued with him, broken up with him, and fallen out of love. I've never seen a more unstable relationship.

Monday, July 25, 2011

It happened: The First Night with Mr. IT Pilot

Following the episode of me walking out of the IT Pilot's apartment, I decided to invite him over to my apartment for a sleepover. I felt like maybe I should give it one last shot, to see if I meant anything to him.

I guess I misinformed about wanting to be coddled- I WANT THAT. My self esteem is shot, and has been for a while. I know it's really unattractive not to be confident, and I really wish I was, so I really don't mind at all when he asks me what I'm thinking. I like it. I just don't know how to process what I'm thinking and say them correctly and not scare him off. So yes, I had told him to bring clothes, (he responded with "lol.... ok") but honestly at the moment I texted him the invitation, I wasn't feeling it. It just feels like a hookup, and I knew eventually, he'd just end up walking away. They always do. They realize it takes too much to make me happy, and that I require too much attention; I admit, it's overwhelming. I didn't want to have sex with him right away because I didn't know how he would take it; I didn't know what he would think of me, and since he'd told me he'd dated and spent so much money on his last "date" over the last 6 months, I FIGURED he'd be ok to wait.... idk... maybe 2 weeks or something.

It was all moot at that point. MOOT I tell yah, MOOOOOOT.Things just got totally twisted..... this is what happens when you're a girl.....

So he came up to my apartment after work, took in the surroundings, we talked for a bit, and he set me out at arms' length and said "So listen..... I'm sorry about the other night. I realize I shouldn't have done that so.... I was wrong, and you were right" I was like, Wow. This is EXACTLY what I needed him to do- apologize. 

We had a geeky date. REALLY geeky. We went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, and talked, then he got this bright idea that he wanted to play board games..... ?...... I was like...hmmm okay..... maybe when I was 16, but alright, let's give it a shot. We went to Target to the game section and picked up a game of Jenga and some beer. We came back to my place, and we played a couple of games, which I lost at terribly because I was getting tipsy already. We watched TV, and started making out..... and then I straddled him and asked him what he was thinking.... etc etc.

I wanted him to tell me what he really wanted to do, but he wouldn't say it. So at one point he asked me what I was thinking and I just flat out said it "I want to [BLEEP] you. Well... more like, I want you to [BLEEP] me."

So we both jumped up from the floor and went into the bedroom...

We went into the bedroom and got into bed and as he was trying to take off my bra, I tried to help him. I didn't even get to put both hands behind me when he says "No, I got this" and unstrapped with ONE HAND. I was like "????Zomg!!"

We got completely naked and he took out the condoms from his bag (because he had brought a bag with his extra clothes for the next day- just like he'd been told to. Though I personally didn't expect him to bring a bag- just a shirt...)

Anyway, we started going at it, and Mr. IT Pilot did the job exceptionally well. He didn't come as fast as I anticipated, after being abstinent for 9 months. He went for a good.... 15 minutes, and gave me three orgasms during the first round- I was mouth agape. I was like.... Holy Crap!! Either he's really good, or I haven't had good sex in a while.......

He came and collapsed onto me, and just rested. We had some pillow talk, and then I asked him about the text that had left me confused for the entire afternoon (i.e. "I'll think about it") He said he normally says he needs to think about things before saying anything else, so that he doesn't say something wrong. He said he didn't mean to leave me in the dark.

Anyway, we got settled for bed, again, and went for a repeat. This time, I lost track of how many orgasms I had. He ended up spending the night, and we both left for work together the next morning.

Once at work, I had a great attitude, and I got called out for it, so I was like.. Ok.. relax, I need to play it cool and get this grin off my face. Later on in the morning, I get this text from him saying "Can't stop thinking about you."

And later on: "Can I add you on Facebook? ;)"


Monday, July 18, 2011

Holding back

This entry may not make much sense, considering I've ended up having sex on the first night on more than one ocassion, but when feelings for a guy are involved, it changes my mindset dramatically.

I've been "penpals" with a guy I "met" on OkCupid back in April. We have a weird relationship. We're attracted to one another physically, but will only use each other for conversation and flirting. We have both expressed no interest in meeting, and would rather just communicate via email, not even through texts or phone calls. Hell, we don't even have each other's phone numbers.  We talk about our thrysts, dates and fill each other in on our day to day activities. Normally, we talk through email all day long, making fun of each other and being abusive in a playful way. All in all, we are "friends" to some extent. We will call him Ozzie, a derivative of his last name.

So forgive me if the following passage  is written in the wrong tense- it was an email I sent to Ozzie a while back and hadn't made the time to update my blog.

I'm really confused. The IT Pilot and I had a fun time last night- a really geeky date; we went to the bookstore over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went thru the clearance racks. He paid for my items and then we went to dinner and chatted until the restaurant closed.

We came back to his place, and put on one of the DVDs that we bought at the store, and we were just lounging on the couch cuddling and relaxing. We would kiss.... then make out..... and watch the movie in between.

At one point, it got heavier than expected and he got on top of me and put himself in between my legs and started caressing me pretty hard. And that's when I felt it. The discomfort. The anxiety. I'm thinking, this isn't right. I don't want to do this..... what's going to happen? I was really nervous, his hand brushed my chest and my crotch, and it felt so wrong. I didn't know what to think- why is he doing this? It's only the third date.... why can he wait 6 months with the last girl he dated, and not even a week with me. WTF?

I felt... taken advantage of, and I wasn't ready to take that step with him. We stopped and he just lay there, glancing back at the TV, while I just tried to keep it together. I could feel my eyes watering up, but luckily didn't. Around midnight, I decided to leave and he walked me out to my car. I gave him a half-assed hug and kiss, and then just sat there in my car thinking "WTF just happened?" He'd told to text him when I got home, so when I did, he responded with "Awesome. Sleep Well :)"

I couldn't get the thought out my head, so about five minutes later I texted back "What happened tonight?" I got a response the next day morning with "I was asking myself the same thing."

I want to let it work..... but I felt used. Earlier in the night he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him I was feeling anxious and nervous. He said "You keep saying that. It's annoying. I'm not going to leave you, so don't think like that"

Ozzie replied about thirty minutes later:

aww....what a cute date. puke. sorry just sounds kind of gay to me. what happened to drinks? maybe thats why you fell awkward on the couch. if you like the guy why were you turned off? you obviously didnt like his moves.  you didnt have to have sex, it was just foreplay. why couldn't you just go with it? are you not sexually attracted to him? it's always easy to get turned on in the beginning, right? besides 3 dates? haven't you f*cked in less? why were you such a bitch when you left? i would've held on to you.  i always give them something to remember.  don't you like that? guess he could tell. 

Normally, the physical actions wouldn't bother me, and I would probably just let it progress..... but I actually care what he thinks of me, and I'm in no rush to have sex with him. It's awkward because, I've recently decided to hold off on sex if I really like the guy. Before, we would sleep together within the first couple of dates/days together, but it hadn't worked out at all up to this point, so I wanted to try something different.  The reason why I wanted to take it slow with him was because I'm scared of having my heart broken. I guess I was right to think that. And yes, I've had sex in less time than that- but it's never worked out. I didn't want to make the same mistake. 

I wanted to hold back. And it just bit me in the ass apparently. I asked him if he'd rather just get it in right away at first and he said "Not sure, I'll think it over."

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'm scared of dating

The day following our first date, the IT Pilot and I met up at the Miller Outdoor Theatre to watch an Opera out on the lawn. I brought over a blanket and fruit, and settled down into the grass, as we completely ignored the play and just joked around. We had a great time listening to music, laying down together under the stars, awww yes, very romantic, nestled within hundreds of other spectators.
After the show, we went back to his place and talked some, but made out like crazy. We saw each other the next day as well and had the geekiest date I've ever had.  We went to Half Books over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went through the clearance rack. I picked out items, and he bought them for me. Then we went to La Madeleine for dinner and hung out until they closed.
It felt like things were slowly coming into play. Possibly.
Thing is, I'm really concerned about when it comes to being "serious" with someone. Let's just say that this past year has had more downs than ups. When I was hanging out with IT Pilot, he kept asking me what I was thinking about but I really couldn't say it. Thing is, I'm scared of being vulnerable. I've been with two guys since last year who I THOUGHT things were going fine with ("J" and Mr. Anime/Jared Leto lookalike) and just got dumped on my ass. We talked and saw each other frequently and then one of them flat out told me he didn't see anything in common with me (yet we hung out for a week straight, having sex and me spending the night over) and the other one just stopped calling. I called twice before quitting. I never got any kind of answer as to why he didn't want to be anymore. He just stopped returning my calls. I was so confused.

So you can understand my apprehension about seeing things with this guy take off at all. I don't want to be hurt, so I'm always going to have that fear that it won't work out because it's already started the same exact way before- perfectly good, with the cuddling and kissing and the blah blah, and then some short time later it's dead.
However, the IT Pilot is more boyfriend material than The Virgin BY FAR. He's my age, married straight out of high school, stayed together for about 3 years, and has been in another serious relationship for 2.5 years. So to me it sounds like he knows what he's doing.

It's tempting to have a boyfriend, but it's also tempting to keep that freedom and heart intact. I'm afraid to put my all and effort into something that won't materialize. Which is why I'm not telling ANYONE that I'm dating. It's really embarassing to say that I'm seeing someone, and then they're out of the picture by the next week.... or month. So I probably won't say anything (even if it does turn a bit more serious) until a month later.... maybe even two. It's hard to keep it in; I love sharing that stuff with my girlfriends, but I look like such an idiot when it's over right quick.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

The introduction of the IT Pilot

I continued my exploration of OkCupid, sending out messages to a few guys here and there, making small talk. When it comes to online dating, girls definitely have the advantage; the ratio has mainly been in our favor.

I came across a picture of a guy with a soft smile and calm expression on his face. I read his profile, and as soon as I read Muse and Deadmau5 in his list of music tastes, I was sold. He'd moved from Alabama to Houston about 5 years ago (just as I had from California) and had been exploring the city on his own. He worked in IT (always a plus) and also managed to pilot planes (a double plus). He didn't smoke (a requirement) and he was in school and living on his own. He looked a bit geeky-ish in his pictures, and I was definitely attracted by it.

I broke the ice with a reference to music, and we began exchanging messages for a few days before he called me and we set up a date for the upcoming Saturday. Since I was at my mom's in Katy for the weekend to take care of my sisters, he decided to come out to my side of town, about a 40-minutes drive, and met up for drinks at Wild Wing around 9:30pm. Conversation started alright. I could tell we were both sort of shy. I normally am not a good storyteller with someone new because all my stories involve sex, so on first dates, I expect the guy to talk more and ask me questions that I can answer. By the end of the first beer, I started getting chattier and we were talking about random stuff. At one point we talked about porn, and he seemed interested/shocked that I liked breasts and girls. He even asked me if I was bi to which I said no.

Since he had driven over from the Medical Center, he didn't want to drink too much. 2:00 am came and neither one of us was ready to go home. We still wanted to hang out but we didn't know of any after-hours. Since a bartender at Jet Lounge had told me they play music there till 6:00 I said to him that it was the only place I knew of asked "would you like to go? I know it's downtown and far and I can't drive right now, so you would be the one driving us and I actually have a curfew- I have to be back before my mom leaves to work at 5:30 am." He thought it over and said "yeah let's go!"
The ride felt never-ending. I normally don't feel like the distances are far but damn, I could actually feel the miles on the counter. We show up at Jet Lounge and well f*ck- it's closed. I'm thinking "Oh shit. We drove all the way out here for nothing...." and he says "Well, we can go back to my place- I live in the medical center- 10 mins away......."

So we take off and I ask him "You normally take your dates back to your place on the first night?" he thinks about it and laughs and says "No, actually this is the first time."

Damnit!! Am I just too easy??

So we go back to his place, take a shot of PatrĂ³n, and then get stupidly giggly and just continue talking on the couch while the tv provides background noise. We're just conversing and I'm laying down on him as he looks down at me and pulls me in for a kiss. We have an intense make out session, laugh and talk in between breaths until my alarm goes off. "Damnit- It's time to go" I say.  We're both bummed out and he drives me back the forty miles to Wild Wings to pick up my car. My mom calls me around 5:30 just to make sure I'm coming home.

He drops me off at my car and we're just hugging it out and he says "I want to see you again next week- and I mean before the weekend" so I'm like "Yes, I do too."  Of course we didn't make plans because I'm still on cloud 9 and I can't think straight. We part ways and I text him to let me know when he gets home safely. I pass out at home, and when I wake up later on I see his text "I'm home. :-) had a great time... talk to you in a few hours... sleep needed. ;-) "

Sooooo overall I'd say date was a success. WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX cause obviously I'm still on my period but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have. I like this guy. He's coy and teased me while we were out and I felt really comfortable with that. And even though we were both drunk, it wasnt awkward and I didn't feel horny or felt the need to jump him. I did feel the need to kiss him at the bar, but it was too soon for that. I don't want to rush it. I'm interested in getting to know him and he didn't make any sexual advances (other than slapping my ass when I was laying down, but that's no biggie) so overall, he was a gentleman.

We recalculated the last time he had sex- even he didn't realize it had been since August of last year.
Damn. Poor guy.