I think we might of had a breakthrough!
Late last night, amidst my studying economics and his FPS game on his PC, we managed to somehow trail into a conversation of emotional comfort.
It has unnaturally taken quite a lot of guts for me to open up about my feelings to Sebastian. From previous posts, I have mentioned to shy away from confrontation and not talk about my insecurities about my relationship with Sebastian. I think one of the main reasons has to do with him being the dominant character of the relationship. Regardless of who it is, when the other person has control (friend, parent, colleague, boss), I don't speak up much.
Then last night, out of nowhere, I had a sudden burst of confidence and spoke the truth: "I really don't see you as an emotional person."
"Why do you say that?" he asked.
"I can just tell. You're not like that. I know it'll sound totally cliché at what I'm about to say but...... you're not..... really in touch with my emotional needs" I admitted.
At the sound of this, he kind of chuckled.
"You're right. It does sound clichéd" he said.
"You're not in touch with your emotional side either" I added.
"Do you really want me to be more in touch with my feminine side?" he quipped.
"Yep, I knew you were going to smart mouth, but understand this: I don't mean to insult you, it's just.... I don't understand why you don't comfort when I'm upset" I continued.
"But I don't hurt your feelings. I take care of you when you're sick" he quickly defended.
"I know, and I don't want you to think that you hurt me on me purpose. It has happened before, and I really don't think you do it out of malice. And yes, it's true that you're always there to nurse me back to health when I'm sick. I'm very appreciative of that; I don't want you to think I'm attacking you. But when I'm upset, you're more likely to treat me like one of the guys- you comfort with a tap on the head. I feel like we can't talk about our feelings because you don't really care..... it's not your thing to do, or you think it's silly" I confessed.
He laughed a bit more and said "Oh Ren, it has nothing to do with that. And the whole 'pat on the head' thing, trust me, I don't do that with my male friends. "
"I know that. I was just trying to compare" I answered.
He paused for a while, trying to form an appropriate answer and finally said "It's not that I don't care. It's just that.... I don't know..... how to comfort. I feel there's nothing I could say to make the situation better. I put myself in your shoes, and feel that if I were the one who's upset, I would want to be left alone. There's nothing anyone could say to make me feel better."
Oh my- duh!! He is a guy! I completely understood. It finally made sense!
"Ok, I understand now. I actually do the same thing when it comes to friends and family. I don't know how to comfort; but when it comes to my partner, I always know how. It makes sense to me now that you didn't comfort me when I was upset about something" I reasoned.
Slowly but surely, we are tackling the relationship issues that have been on my mind for quite some time. It puts me at ease to know that I don't need to overstress on it anymore; I got my concerns answered.