Oh gosh... I think my heart may have suffered a fracture.
I recently sent a text message to Gorgeous Guy, an adoringly, sweet and gentle guy I went on a few dates during my limbo period with Sebastian. Gorgeous Guy was just that- incredibly good looking. He had the smarts (PhD in Engineering) and liked to travel, just as I did. But our dates didn't progress into anything because I didn't let it.
Every time we met up, I'd get this painful heartache because Sebastian was always on my mind. Gorgeous Guy was really nice, but I feel that he could probably sense I wasn't up to dating; he could tell in my watery eyes that I'd been hurt and the pain was still fresh. We never opened up on the subject of past relationships, and I'm grateful for that, because I'm sure the floodgates wouldn't have held on much longer.
He never made any sexual advances and I really liked that. However, it was evident that there wasn't much to do because of how shy I was around him. He was older (I think he's 30 now...) and much more accomplished than me. I felt like a high schooler around him. The only thing that bothered me was that he was a bit of a party animal.... though a relaxed one- drama free. The majority of his Facebook pictures have him holding some type of alcoholic drink, and I felt uncomfortable by it because it seemed to me that the only way we'd go out, would be to go for drinks.
In his text, he told me he'd gone to New York last week, so while on Facebook, I saw his updated pictures. They seemed pretty generic and I left a comment. When I went back to his wall, I scrolled down for a weird reason and saw it: The little heart..... "in a relationship with: her name here."
Gorgeous Guy, my Gorgeous Guy, was officially off the market.
All too quickly, our previous dates came into mind...
I wonder what would have happened if I'd let go of Sebastian the way I was supposed to. Would we be dating now? Would it have lasted?
"Damn. What did I miss out on?" I kept thinking to myself.
He was hot! He still is damnit! And what did I trade him for? An arrogant geek!
Ok, so that's a little harsh, but if you knew they way Sebastian and I joke about his ego, you'd understand and laugh too. Yes, he is "geek" or a "nerd" whatever you want to call it. He has the highest self esteem I've ever come across, which yes, does make him more attractive because he's confident, but his ego can be overwhelming sometimes. I sometimes purposefully play with his confidence and try to bring it down a notch. It doesn't work. I wish he'd be more humble.
I can't lie and say I didn't care, but I just couldn't help but wonder what I'd given up on.....
What if, what if.....