Friday, March 30, 2012

The new kid on the block

Larry was 23, had a 6-year son, and was a smoker. All red flags, but was so wise with his words that I was smitten. His profile picture made him look shy/cute, and I needed to meet someone with the hopes of getting over the IT Pilot.

We met for bingo on a Thursday night, and at almost 6'3", his long blond hair and green eyes instantly caught my attention. Picture the middle brother of the Hanson band. Exact replica.

We had a fun time at bingo, shared two pitchers of beers and cheap food, and by 10:00 p.m., decided to head over to the next bar/pub creek down the street.

Bad idea.

By then, I was drunk and not in the greatest state of mind. I had been texting my friend in NYC when I caught myself thinking about the IT Pilot.

Ren: I miss the IT Pilot
Shann: Whyyy??
Because Bingo was our hang out spot. And I've been drinking and am emotional right now.
Shann: Bingo was OUR thing. Forget about the IT Pilot. He's bad for you.

As soon as I realized what I was texting, I slowly felt my nose tingling and my eyes welling up. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I excused myself, and walked quickly to the restroom to contain the waterworks.

When I came back about ten minutes later, Larry asked me if everything was ok. I lied and said I was, all while the IT Pilot kept riding my mind. I can't believe it- he's actually ruining this good date for me. Why can't I get over him? I thought.

Larry was a great conversationalist and tried his hardest to make me laugh even though he could tell something was wrong with me. A couple of hours later, Larry said "I don't think I'll be able to make it home tonight. I'm pretty drunk. Is it okay if I come home with you?"

Not feeling the best out of this date, and assuming it wouldn't go anywhere between us- and drunk as well- I agreed to let him stay at my place, where he could sleep on the couch.

Once we arrived at home, I felt the need to take a shower to get rid of the stickiness that is Houston humidity. While at the bar, I had been constantly texting my friends about the date as it unfolded, and had left my phone on my dresser. When I came back from my shower, Larry was in the dark in the living room getting ready to go to sleep. He was incredibly quiet and as I said good night, I checked my phone and noticed I had new texts that had already been opened.

He went through my phone! WELL F*CK.

I confronted Larry about it, and he admitted to going through my phone, saying he didn't appreciate me talking shit about someone I'd just met to people. I honestly can't recall what he read, but if memory serves me right, it could have been one of two things: 1) I had mentioned to one friend that he didn't want to take an STD test because it was a waste of money and knew he was clean and 2) I had told my other friend how much I still missed the IT Pilot.

Frankly, I didn't know which one was worse.

But I was drunk, and I didn't care about it or him to be honest, and wasn't going to lose sleep over it. So I did what any smart girl would do in a tense situation like this- I had sex with him to shut him up.

Surprisingly, this kid was packing more ammo than I'd ever need in my life. It was the biggest penis I'd ever seen. No contest. I felt slightly scared by the pain I may experience during and a couple of days following the act.

We tried, and he managed to get off rather quickly, leaving me tired, but unfulfilled. With that much ammo, he surely doesn't know how to handle the gun. Well this sucked!

We both fell asleep shortly after, and split ways the following morning to go to work.

Larry didn't pull the disappearing act, and he continued texting me continuously throughout the day, and for the days following. He came over every other day to see me, and told me he'd told his co-workers that he'd met a woman, and that she was his girlfriend.

I suddenly felt myself being suffocated.

Girlfriend? We JUST met.

Question: Why is it that women crave the attention from a guy they like, but when they receive it in abundance almost immediately without much effort, it scares them?

Answer: Because there was no chase, and it happened too quickly.

I felt smothered by Larry. I would have been over the moon had the IT Pilot expressed a fraction of Larry's eagerness towards me, but in Larry's case, it was just too much, too soon. Just like his penis and orgasms.

Larry couldn't make me orgasm- he was lazy in bed and would make me do most of the work. He would pump a few times, but quickly run out of breath; he had no stamina and couldn't keep up. Although he was lean, and had a beautiful body, he had no energy. He didn't work out and would be outdone with 30 seconds of cardio.

The more I became dissatisfied with sex between Larry and I, the more I began to feel that the relationship wouldn't last. Not only was the sex mediocre, but we constantly argued. He loved to pick fights with me, acted so immature it was frustrating. I told him repeatedly that I needed someone on the same level, and that he was too hyper and had too much energy for me. I couldn't handle him- it was like literally dealing with a 17 year old. He made jokes about everything, I couldn't hold a serious conversation with him, and the only time I actually saw myself getting along was when he was completely calm due to a hangover or being sick.

I was at my wits' ends, and tried to end things numerous times. I pushed him away on a weekly basis, but he was so persistent, that he always came back and said he wanted to make it work because he cared.

And that's when the IT Pilot popped up back into the picture.

F*ck. Again?!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Walking away

I wish I could be strong to just chuck everything out and not have to think twice about it. I really wish he would have left me alone the last time, and that he never would have asked me to try again because I honestly felt better again and the breakup had been easier to deal with. But I ended up falling for the things he told me and I so wanted someone to like me and I didn't want to leave familiar ground.

It was another big mistake and I felt myself starting to regret it now because I was having a hard time standing up for what I truly felt.

Halloween weekend came.... and the IT Pilot pulled the silent card again. We usually spent the weekends together, and I would go to his apartment after work on Fridays and stay through unti Monday, except this time, neither one of made an effort. I stayed quiet and never heard from him. Rocky Horror came and went, and on Sunday afternoon, after three days of no contact, I finally called him to ask what was going on. He acted cold, and mentioned nothing of our silent treatment for one another. When I asked if he wanted company for the day, he mentioned that he would be busy playing video games, but that I could come over to play as well.

"On what computer?" I asked, knowing full well he didn't have another one available to play together.

"I don't know" he answered.

"Then why ask me to come over?" I questioned.

"Oook, well I'm gonna go-" he said

At the sound of this, I hung up without even saying good bye.

I knew it was over. I immediately went to Facebook and deleted him from my friends. Per our previous discussion, he knew that if we broke up one more time, I would delete him from my phone and my Facebook, and would not attempt to contact him again. True to my words, I erased everything.

I can't remember how I handled the breakup, but experience tells me that I took it hard. I probably cried, called my friend to fill her in, and slept it off for a day.

The one man that I wanted didn't want to make it work. He had commitment issues, and was afraid of having a serious relationship with me. It was a bust.

The IT Pilot and I didn't speak again, and this time, he didn't come back either. Two weeks later, I went on a date with someone else, but the entire time, the IT Pilot was on my mind, and I was unable to give my full attention to the new person. Enter: Larry.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Where is the love?

I felt things were possibly advancing positively with the IT Pilot, but before I could get too comfortable, the inevitable fear came upon me once again. Three weeks in, and I could sense the end was near.

I stopped by his apartment one evening after work because I was in his area shopping. I told him I had a screening pass to a movie and asked him if he wanted to go see it and he flat out told me "I don't think so."

It rubbed me the wrong way. I could understand that he may not want to see that particular movie, but it felt awfully rude. I thought he was joking so I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yeah"

While we were getting ready to eat dinner, he asked me what we should watch and I said "How about Modern family?" and he said "No I'm not going to watch that. How about Wilfred?"


It made me incredibly quiet and unhappy. Why ask me if you're going to decide for me? I should have just walked out. It didn't even feel like a compromise and I was really bothered. I started thinking about it as I was just sitting there zoning out.

I made the mistake of running my mouth to one of my coworkers about dating this guy on and off for 5 months now and how it wasn't leading up to any good. I got more depressed when things didn't go my way- when he couldn't make me happy because he was selfish. Most of the time it's what he wanted to do, which was to stay home and do nothing- watch tv shows, HIS tv shows.
Then I started thinking about whether I was being unrealistic or demanding because I required too much attention and his schedule couldn't give me that. I know it's supposed to be a compromise somewhere in there, but whenever things didn't make me happy I thought that it wasn't fair.

Then my coworker mentioned that if my guy was always stressed, he should look at hanging out with me as an opportunity to get away from what was stressing him.

I wasn't happy.... and I felt that it was probably best for my sanity to move on.

Our relationship would start off very upbeat and exciting and then a short while later, approximately a month or so in, it would hit another snag and I became really depressed and very unhappy. It was a weird wave motion. A bad roller-coaster. Almost as if he was getting cold feet each time.

I wasn't sure that it would get better. I didn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him because I was more unhappy than content.

What was wrong with me? I felt so disillusioned. What would it take to make me feel that sense of euphoria again?

I was tempted to see how the Halloween weekend would go by. He said he'd come with me to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but even then it almost felt like he wasn't too into it anymore. I felt that Halloween weekend may be the last one we'd spend together, and I was hoping I'd be the one who ended it this time.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Part III

Against better judgment, I went back for more and began dating again. I was completely smitten with the IT Pilot; I didn't know how to explain it, I didn't know what it was, but I was drawn to him in such a powerful way that even though I was always on my toes, he was an addiction, a drug I couldn't quit.

He followed through with his promise and begin texting me without fail every single day to check in on me. I'll admit it was a very sudden change which I can honestly say caught me completely by surprise.

It's proven that a simple text good morning can make a girl's day better.

The following week, he went in for an endoscopic procedure to diagnose his frequent heartburn episodes. His roommate/best friend/employee took care of him by taking him into the clinic and bringing him back home, but I had promised him to stop by later that evening to check up on him. The anesthesia had worn off, but I made sure to care for him as gently as possible. He seemed happy, and although there was much more that I wanted to share with him, my feelings were kept under wraps, for fear of disillusionment.

A few days later, I received a beautiful surprise at work. A flower delivery with my favorite flowers (daisies) and a chick as a holder; Birds are my favorite animals, and I've been raising wild ones since I was a kid.  The note read "You may be out of sight, but never out of mind. Bubs" Bubs was my term of endearment for the IT Pilot.

The gesture had touched me deeply, and I was for one led to believe things could change this third time around.

I was wrong....

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

There is no "click"

A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.

One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.

Ren: Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?
Ozzie: Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you 
Ren: WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.
Ozzie:  So are you gonna respond?
Ren: Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.
Ozzie: How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??

It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex could definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end.

So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.
His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.

As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. 

A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. 

Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.
So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. 

"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." 
He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t ‘click’.

He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt I wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me then? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.”

He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because you don’t know what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”

He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. WTF? He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello."  I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere. A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you didn’t. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”

He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere.

I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.  "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him.

We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him.

He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do.

I'm scared. Can you blame me?

So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. 

Part III began immediately.


Monday, March 19, 2012

Sebastian incarnate

While going through the notions of my breakup of the IT Pilot, someone unexpectedly showed up on my radar again.

My ex-boyfriend Sebastian.

We had dated for exactly a year,  had even managed to visit Europe a couple of years earlier, and got along splendidly well- for "friends."

Coming in hot from his divorce, Sebastian was just never going to settle down with me- he didn't believe in long term, and after countless discussions, I had realized too late that he had stayed with me for a year simply out of selfish reasons- he didn't want to be alone.

A year and a half later, Sebastian called me for the first time and we managed to stay glued to the phone for almost two hours. It felt incredibly familiar to what we'd shared during our relationship. The teasing, the playfulness, the easiness of talking to someone who could make you laugh and understood your sarcasm.

He began telling me of his current situation to try to offset my current sadness of my breakup with the IT Pilot: He had a girlfriend for a few months, from Houston, and even though he had moved back to California a few months before, he had stayed in this "relatioship" with the girl. She had moved to Ohio to be with her family because her father had died recently.

She came to visit him in San Francisco for a few weeks and he told me the most shocking news of all: she's pregnant. I knew Sebastian, and I knew that nothing would put him over the moon more than to know that his girlfriend was expecting- that is unless it was the current girl he was with. He told me he was actually trying to convince her not to have it because he had planned on breaking up with her before he found out. He told me she had an attitude problem and didn't see himself raising a child with her. 

I'm like "Well shit, good luck on that. I always thought you wanted to be a dad. Don't tell her now that you want to end it cause she may use it against you and have the baby just out of spite. Would you have told me to lose it if I had gotten pregnant too?"
He said "Oh no. I know you would have made a good mom. I just don't want to have it with her and I can't see myself married to her for 18 years."
A few weeks later I found out that he had paid for his girlfriend to have the abortion afterall, and a part of me lost some respect for him. It just so had happened that he had gotten three girls pregnant in his life time (all while on birth control) and each girl had mysteriously not had a baby because he didn't think it was the right time. Two had had miscarriages, and the latest had the abortion. 

Even though we'd both moved on and got along great, I sincerely hoped that Karma would one day pay him a visit and not grant him children. I don't think he deserved them for what he had done to women throughout his life.

Yes, I had become a bitter woman.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Sex after the breakup

Things got hot and heavy very quickly with the IT Pilot, and before we knew it, we were in full thrust, having sex. Well, okay, so we knew what we were doing because obviously before it went any further, we had to stop to get the condom on, but just bear with me while I tell the story.

I could remember telling him that I would miss having him, that I would miss the sex, and his scent. (Weird? Oh well, it's the pheromones)

To this day, it's the most memorable sex session I've ever had because of how caught up in the moment we both were and how unplanned the entire thing had been.

Once we both orgasmed, we just sort of looked at each other and he asked "what now?"
"Nothing now, you're still set in your ways" I responded.
"Well that was weird. I've never broken up with someone and has sex with them right afterward" he said.
"Me either" I confirmed.

We continued talking and he told me that he didn't know what he wanted. He had met me "at the wrong time", but knew that there "wasn't enough between us", and didn't I see it too that it "wasn't going to work out?"

Ozzie tried to reassure me that I was better off. I needed someone who thought of me and made an effort to contact me and respond to me, not some guy that was gradually trying to distance himself instead of telling me how he really felt. "That's being a pussy" he said.

The IT Pilot was out of the picture again, and I could say I somewhat felt better at that exact moment. I knew he was gone for good, out of my emotional life. Maybe I just needed one last round of sex for closure to move on.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Sometimes you need tough love

During my difficult roller coaster of emotions with the IT Pilot, my pen pal Ozzie was ever so present to lend out an ear. For someone who already had a girlfriend, he sure seemed interested in helping me make the right decisions for myself. Even if he was at times harsh and a jerk.

Sometimes you need tough love.

A few days of silence between the IT Pilot and I told me everything I needed to know. It was over, and I was going to have to make that phone call to confirm it.

I called him and he said the same thing as before- he didn't see it going long term with me. He said I was a good person and he still wanted to be friends and hang out, but didn't see it going past that.

Why the f*** do guys do that??
Oh, to fuck with us. Literally and figuratively.

I broke down and called my girlfriend bawling my eyes out. I felt so alone. There was no one to turn to. I had no support group and it was becoming so hard to remain optimistic when things went badly. When would I find my happiness?

I couldn't face work the next day and called my boss to say I wouldn't be coming in. Instead, I called Matt, The Marine, an ever reliable FWB that I'd met the previous year.

The Marine offered to come by, and I told him I wasn't a pretty sight to see. I had been crying all evening, and my eyes were bloodshot, and I had no intentions of sleeping with him. I told me he didn't expect anything from me, but that he could come regardless (no pun intended) if I wanted the company.

So I accepted his offer and he drove almost an hour to spend time with me. I had rented four movies that night to help me get through the breakup and keep my mind busy on something else. A few hours later, my marine showed up and I flung my arms around him tightly to try to control my tears.

We watched two movies that night and around 5:00 a.m, a storm came in and forced him to stay the night.

Well played Mother Nature.... well played.

The Marine and I slowly began making out and retreated back into my bedroom where we got into bed and, well..... You can guess what happened next.


Though it was nothing that I was expecting, and no feelings were involved, The Marine had stayed behind for me, to console as a "nice friend."

The next morning, I grew restless laying in bed with The Marine sleeping next to me. I woke up around 11:00 am and continued watching my movies while he continued sleeping. Around 3:00 pm, I simply couldn't take it anymore. He had to leave. The IT pilot was set to come by after work around 5:30 to pick up his stuff, and I needed The Marine to GTFO, like, right now.

A couple of hours later, the IT pilot knocked on my door with my things in his hands. My swollen eyes had reduced almost completely, but he could tell that I wasn't doing too well.

"Did you go to work today?" he asked.
"No, I stayed home. I rented movies and just watched everything" I said as he turned around to see the four DVD cases on the floor.

He sighed and said "Please don't miss work because of me."
"I don't plan to anymore, I'm going back tomorrow" I reassured him.

I quickly glanced into the bag of things he had brought me and noticed some things were missing.

"You forgot my board game" I said.
"Oh shit. Where was it?" he asked.
"In your living room" I responsed.
"Ok, I'll get it to you next time" he replied.
"No rush. It can wait" I reassured him. I wasn't ready to see him anytime soon.

I hugged him one final time as he got ready to leave, and said goodbye. He left quietly and walked down the stairs. About halfway thru, I reopened the door and called him back upstairs. He came back looking confused, and I stared deep into his eyes, with a look of coyness, persuasion and perplexity.

One more hug, and I sent him on his way again. A second time, I called him back up the stairs and he came again to see what I wanted. Complete silence. I didn't have anything to say, and nothing I could say would show him how much I liked him and wanted to be involved in a real relationship with him.

We hugged tightly and I said goodbye again as he left once more.

A third time, I snuck a peek out of my door and called him back. This time, I knew what I was doing, and I was waiting for him to make the first move. We held each other tightly, my head pressed into his chest and my hands pressed into his back. I slowly turned my head up, and with one look at each other, we began making out with an uncontrollable urge that overtook us completely by surprise and exciting arousal.

We had a crazy, sexually-driven, and mad make out session which quickly pushed us into my bedroom, where only a few hours earlier had been shared with The Marine. We tore each other's clothes off, as he threw me on the bed, kissing me deeply and caressing me everywhere.

Oooh shit......

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

All things have an end

Things with the IT Pilot went from quiet to boring within a matter of weeks. It had turned into a weekend relationship, with hardly any contact from him during the week, except for the occasional "hey how's your day going?" text.

It was getting to the point where we didn't know what the other was doing during the week because we never talked. I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I wanted to be the ideal girlfriend; the one he would say "look what she does for me; look how different she is." I tried to limit his stress because I knew how demanding his job was, but I didnt want just ONE check in per day.

I was afraid to admit that I was sacrificing my own happiness to make him happy, and that terrified me.

A few weeks later, his best friend, wife and son came into town to stay with him for a couple of days before their apartment was ready. The IT pilot had hired his friend from Alabama to come on board at his company as an IT technician. They showed up late on a Saturday and while they stayed out in the living room, I secluded myself in his bedroom barely making a peep.

In retrospect, I admit that it was the most immature thing to do, not hanging out with his friends, but their son did nothing but throw hissy fits and cry every five minutes. His friend was incredibly strict and would nip him in the butt, and this would turn my stomach into knots. I felt very uncomfortable. The IT Pilot was upset with me, but never admitted it. I wrote him an email apologizing for my behavior (because that's what grown ups do) and he mentioned that he wished I would have been more welcoming the weekend of their arrival.

The days following, I didn't hear from him, and my worst fear came into realization- it was probably doomed to end. Again. For the same reason. But a reason that I didn't know.