Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't know what I want with Men

So I've known for some time now that BEG's still dating around. Early on last week, he broke up with the other girl he was seeing because he wasn't feeling it. When I asked him how far he had taken things with her he said without flinching "You mean sexually? Oh, all the way."

Damn, and I thought you only slept with girls you were in a committed relationship with.

Since then, I went onto Plenty of Fish and saw that his last sign in was early on the same morning.

This guy is definetely fishing.

But you know what? I've learned to accept it because I'm not being completely honest either. I'm still seeing Sebastian, and though he told me he wouldn't want to know if I was seeing someone else until I admit I'm no longer interested in him, I still feel I need to be honest on that. But I haven't yet decided what to do about that.  Sebastian and I get along good, and if I wasn't so nervous with BEG, I might be willing to let things progress.

But a part of me wants to intentionally sabotage it. Ren wants to rebel to get a rush. I long for excitement. I've been down in the dumps ever since I moved to Houston, and I want to live life once again. The more time I spend with Sebastian, the more I'm finally able to see more of his flaws. Maybe this whole "friends with benefits" could work out, I don't know. Maybe I'll learn to get over him and slowly begin letting him go rather than just cut off ties abruptly. I don't know. It's just my way of thinking for the moment. And as long as I'm not upset or.... heartbroken, I feel I'm okay with the decisions I'm making in my personal life.

I don't know if BEG is what I need. Maybe he is, or maybe he's just the rebound. Maybe with time I can learn to see Sebastian as the friend I truly need. I don't know.

The other day, I was feeling it was time to come clean with BEG, and tell him that I didn't think it would work out. We've been "dating" for over a month, and I want to tell him that although I might regret it later, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want the same things he does. Or maybe we do. I don't know. I know he wants to spend those lonely nights with someone, and to have someone miss him when he's gone on jobs. Hell, that's what he told me he wanted for himself. "I want someone to miss me while I'm gone. I want someone to text when I'm far away sitting on a job somewhere. I want to come home to be with someone. Sit on the couch, cuddle and watch a movie. Have dinner with them. I want to feel needed."

I don't blame him. I want that too, I just don't want the stress or the tension to have to put out when he needs it.  What's the point of going through all the awkwardness with BEG when Sebastian is available and are both content with the "relationship" we have? I would only be adding BEG to my list. He'd be just another notch on my wall.

No thank you. I want my security deposit back when I move out.

Monday, September 28, 2009

My first weekend in Austin

The weekend went by just great. It was Sebastian and I's first time on a weekend trip together, and also the first time exploring Austin. We stayed at a Day's Inn just off I-35, about 6 miles from Downtown.

The hotel itself was pretty crappy. It was about $50 a night, and though it included a continental breakfast, the hotel room was not to my satisfaction. Not only was it incredibly tiny as the king-sized bed took up most of the available space, I found hair and a bug on their "clean" towels. The bathroom didn't have a lock, and was so small you had to step into the bathtub in order to close the door. Their linen had some stray hair, and I didn't even want to walk on their carpet barefoot for fear I'd get a foot fungus. I'm very anal about cleanliness, (though I wasn't the cleanest person while living with my mom.)

We left Houston late on Friday night, though quickly realized we were wasting a night stay at the hotel. We rented a car with Enterprise, but because Sebastian didn't have full coverage with GEICO on his car, was royally raped on the insurance portion. The insurance itself was $20 a day, while the car rental was only about $16 and some change. I've always rented with Enterprise, but will not be considering them for future use after requiring Sebastian to get their coverage. (I've never taken their insurance before either, as I've used my own.)

We made it into Austin in about 3 hours and checked in and went to sleep. The next day, we woke up to have breakfast, where I found myself buttering Sebastian's bagel. And no, that's not a sexual euphemism in any way. I really did toast a bagel and butter it for him, as well as prepare him a waffle. It didn't occur to me that I was serving him until after I sat down. It didn't really bother me as much..... I just felt a little silly considering what it meant.

Later in the afternoon, we decided to drive out sightseeing and we went to the State Capitol. We drove around trying to find parking, but couldn't because everything was cash, and the lots were full due to a Texas Longhorn game going on close by. I stopped by the bank to withdraw money, and we continued looking for a lot when we found a parking space right off the capitol ground.

Score! Free parking! (We later realized there was parking all around the capitol ground because it was Saturday)

We took a small tour inside, and took a few pictures. We later walked down Congress street in search of Mexican food, of which we couldn't find within walking distance. After what seemed like a 2 mile walk, we finally settled on the first restaurant we had seen on the way in. We returned to the hotel and took a short nap in order to rest for the upcoming bar hopping later that night.

Sebastian had recently gone to an Atheist meet-up night in Houston and exchanged contact info with a member that night, a guy named J.P. who was going to be in Austin at the same time with another friend (Joe). We later got together at a bar and while they discussed religion, God and Christ, I silently watched Lost Boys on the big screen, often laughing at a funny remark the guys made. We moved over to a Club across the street and had a few drinks.

When J.P walked out to take a call, Sebastian and I decided to head out on our own and go to another club. A few drinks later, and we reunited with the duo going to two other night clubs. At closing time, I could barely walk straight and could feel the impending blisters on my toes from my high heels. We went back to the hotel, requested a late checkout and quickly passed out.

The next morning, I stumbled to the bathroom, and though I felt fine and didn't have a hangover at all, could still feel drunk. We had breakfast in the kitchen, and came back into the room to rest. We got our stuff together, and checked out.

There was an arts and crafts fair on 6th St. and quickly made the lap around. Sebastian doesn't know how to stroll. He takes big strides which leaves me running behind. We went into a Playstation tour bus and played some video games, ate some fried alligator and drank lemonade. I couldn’t take anymore alcohol for the weekend.

Overall, it was a fun weekend. BEG only texted me once, of which I was glad, considering I didn't want to talk with him over aim and texts in front of Sebastian. Sebastian and I got along just fine, though we did have a few disagreements about some sarcastic moments here and there. I soon realized we were finishing each other's sentences and making inside jokes. At one point, he mentioned he'd had a dream where I had told him I had a boyfriend but didn't want to stop seeing him because I wasn't ready to have sex with my new boyfriend yet. I gave him a shocked look as he continued telling me the dream where he felt that I couldn't possibly say that.

Oh my god..... how could this be? It sounds just like me. That's what happened with BEG this week...... I couldn't have sex with him then cause I wasn't ready. How can he see this? Should I tell him what happened?

"Oh shit. That's so creepy cause that's definitely something I would do" I replied.

"Really? That's weird. Anyway...." as he quickly trailed off into a different subject.

He didn't give it much thought, but it got me to think that I really didn't want to start anything with BEG yet. Being out with Sebastian was normal, and I could sense that by being in a relationship with BEG would have me limited to those types of activities. I know I'm only setting myself up for a hard time, but it's very relaxing to be with Sebastian. I know he's not perfect, and I realized that he is selfish; he always wants his needs to be met, while he thinks he's meeting mine. He doesn't meet all of my needs, but a majority he does. I wish I could get him to do certain things which are important to me, but I've come to realize that we need to compromise, and I've noticed he does much more than he needs to, which is why I keep mum most of the time.

(Some art we found on our way back to the car. We really didn't know what to make of it.)

I didn't tell BEG who I was going to Austin with, but when he asked why I was going, I simply told him it was to get out of Houston. I didn't want to enter into details because I didn't want to..... upset him I guess. I thought about our "relationship" a little bit throughout the weekend and I know I won't be faithful if I enter a monogomous relationship with him. At this point in time, I just want to date. However, I will not sleep with someone I don't know well, and without seeing their clean bill of health. Since I haven't seen BEG's, you can bet I won't be getting close to that region........

Sebastian ended up footing the entire bill for this Austin trip. We had agreed that we would split it halfway, but he decided to call it even since he had to give me about $100 for an ultrasound I had had in the summer. Again, this was not something I had requested him to do, he simply felt he could help me out by paying half of the bill. Sebastian said that the trip had been very enjoyable and that we should go to New Orleans next time. I agreed fully.

Once we got back into Houston, we went to Walmart so that I could get safety pins to take care of some blisters I had gotten on my feet. Once there, we decided to buy bread, brie and also fruits so that I could make crêpes. Sebastian spent most of the time on the couch watching T.V. while I made the crêpes- which took forever.

At about 10pm, Sebastian decided to head on home because he had to be in at work early today (8am, normally it's 11). I saw him to do the door where he gave me a deep kiss, which took me off guard. He's not one for smooth kissing; usually, he's sloppy, urgh. I said good night and quickly closed the door behind him. I looked out the peephole to see him off, and right after, he climbed back up the stairs and knocked on my door. Once open, he smiled and stuck his head in to get one last kiss for the night. It surprised me completely.

Friday, September 25, 2009

When you get yours and he doesn't

I decided to go out on another date with BEG last night, just to see if maybe more sparks could fly. We met up at Olive Garden for dinner right after work and had a really good time. We argued mainly about work ethics and the people he had to deal with at work. It was funny to hear him complain about his payroll department. He filled me in on his group of friends, promising to take me one day to meet them if we were still dating.

After dinner we went back to my place because I was anxiously awaiting the season premiere of FlashForward on ABC. I don't like to watch shows with others because there's too much talking and I can't concentrate on the show, but I was anticipating this show so much that I decided to make an exception.

We ended up kissing in between commercial breaks, and my attention quickly reverted to the show when it came back on. I quickly realized I was acting like a guy when I heard him groan because I wasn't paying attention to him. I was still pretty much content until he got on top of me and decided to straddle me right on my narrow couch.

Oh my god he's heavier than he looks!

But I let him. He got heavy into and when I wouldn't let him lift my shirt, he'd whine. I figure he's one of those guys that thinks by whinning he'll get what he wants.  Yeah, it might work one day, but not right now.

By 10:30, I started getting ansty about having him leave.

How the hell do I get him to go?

He started getting very comfortable until I suddenly gasped and said "Oh shit, I needed to call my dad!"

"About that paperwork?" he asked.

That's right....... he knows about the paperwork! Uh, yeah.....

"Yes. Shoot." I replied

"But it's not too late?" he added

"No, he's two hours behind. Remember, he's in California."

So at that, he slowly started moving back, but not before asking "Can't I crash here?"

Hah! Pleeeeease.......

"No, I'm sorry. You need to go. Plus, this is a lady's place. No guys spending the night." I concluded

If only you knew the special treatment Sebastian got......

So at this, I saw him out the door, and quickly went to brush my teeth. I started a load of laundry when I saw the missed calls from Sebastian on my phones. Two calls per line. The last one had been 30 minutes earlier, so I figured that at 11:30 he'd still be up. No answer. I called again about 10 minutes later. No answer. I texted him to get him to call me back. About 30 minutes later, when I was drifting off to sleep I get the reply that he had been in another room reading a book.

That's funny. Your place isn't even that big. Plus, you don't even have a bedroom door.

I texted him with "It's okay," and went to sleep.

Today, BEG texted me a few times saying how happy and surprised he'd been about the previous night. I won't go into detail, but I will say that my needs were met with satisfaction. COMPLETE satisfaction.

Besides that, I'm really looking forward to this weekend. Sebastian and I never took a weekend trip because there was always something going on. Plus, my mother was always working friday nights, so I was restrained. So we've finally made plans to go out to Austin tonight and stay the weekend. We're renting a car because both of ours are practically falling apart and not reliable, and we've reserved a room at Days Inn about 7 miles away from downtown.

I can't wait to go down to 6th Street and get shitfaced. I've been strongly advised to.

Have a good weekend people.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

A real date with BEG

BEG and I finally decided to make some time to get together and have our first "official" night date yesterday. Since he'd been away on a job for a while, he told me I could pick the place. And while he was open to pretty much anything, I suggested we go to Dave and Buster's for the evening. I had never been before, and I had always wanted to try it out.

I will gladly admit that my time at the video arcade was very well spent. I had a great time playing pool and racing each other on car races. We had a nice dinner, and flirted the entire time. He was very gentlemanly and didn't really grope me in an unfavorable fashion. He tried to get his arm around my waist to get me to head into a certain direction, but it was all tasteful. I felt at ease because we were in a public environment, and the alcohol helped relax me a bit. I could feel a stronger attraction creeping up.

While I was away in the bathroom, he got me a small stuffed animal from the vending machine. Not one for childish toys, I thought the gesture was very sweet and gladly accepted it. It was purple, my favorite color. Unfortunately,  a while later, while under the influence, I admitted that I didn't like plush toys all that much, because I wasn't a teenager anymore. Though I appreciated the gift, I advised to refrain from getting me those types of things in the future.

While I was playing, I noticed Sebastian had called my work phone- which probably meant he had called my personal phone as well. I couldn't call back at that moment, but figured I could call him later.

When we left the establishment, it was still early and I wasn't ready to call it a night. So I made a faux-pas. I decided to invite him over to my place which was only 7 miles down the road. He gladly accepted and followed me home. Once at my place, I turned on the tv and we started watching Family Guy, and had quite a few good laughs. Then, out of the blue, he leaned in to kiss me.


My stomach tensed up and I got an uneasy feeling as we continued kissing.

I was uncomfortable.

He asked me if he had crossed any lines, but being dumb as I am, said no. He continued kissing, and eventually got me to lay down on the small couch we were sharing. My arms were crossed over my body, fully protecting my off-limits areas. The thoughts were flying through my head, and I couldn't help but feel tense throughout the entire make-out session. I couldn't kiss with my heart. Instead, I merely kissed with my lips pressed against his. It was one of those empty kisses. It didn't mean anything to me. A complete void.

Then, out of the blue, he mentions "Ok, you had asked my dating style? Well, I've never not gone all the way by the second date."

It took me a bit to understand what exactly he was telling me, so I asked him to repeat himself.

"What do you mean?"

"Normally, by the second date, I've already gone all the way. I'm glad that we're going slow."

What? Second date? Wait a minute- this is the 5th time we've gone out, but is this our first date? Do I have to put out on the next date?


Oh nooooooooooo.......

He had just set a precedent in motion. If I wasn't nervous enough before, I was definetely shitting myself now. Around midnight, I started getting sleepy and kindly mentioned that I needed to get to bed. He quickly got off the couch and jokingly asked "Do you want me to get the f*ck out?"


"No, it's not that. It's just that I'm sleepy and I have work tomorrow, remember?"

I walked him to the door and reminded him how to exit the complex. He asked to hang out together again, and I told him we probably would. In my head, I was worried. As soon as he left, I called Sebastian, seeing as to how I had missed another call from him about 30 minutes earlier. He had fallen asleep watching a show online. We talked for a bit, until he asked me how my day had gone. I told him I had gone out with a friend, to which he asked "Is this friend a boy?" I admitted that yes, it had been. He asked if it was of romantic interest to which I admitted "Not really. I know he has a crush on me, but I just want to date. I'm not ready for a serious relationship and he is." Sebastian asked "Do you feel you're not ready because of us?"

I remained silent for a moment until I answered "Yes. Because of you. Because of the familiarity, and the attachment."

For once, he didn't bring me down by saying that we would never be together. He simply stated the evident-
we would eventually have to break apart for a long period of time in order to successfully move on.

I haven't really spoken with BEG today. He merely texted me a few times this morning to see how I was doing, and the next time we could hang out. I suggested tomorrow and he agreed. At the same moment, I texted Sebastian and suggested we go to Austin for the weekend.

His reponse?

"F*ck, why not? ;) "

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Respect, just a little bit

Sometimes I wish I could smack Sebastian on the side of the head for every time he'd bring up the Ex-Factor. But if that was the case, we wouldn't be friends.

Before going to the movies this past weekend, Sebastian and I went to eat Pizza at Double Dave's. They serve the best pizza!

We sat down in a booth, and just began chatting about random stuff. I can't remember how exactly the subject shifted, but it ultimately landed on his ex-wife. At one point he calmly said "I've never had so much hate towards someone before. I think if I would of stayed with her, I would of ended up killing her. Probably the reason why I didn't want to own a gun. For fear of that, or of her shooting me instead."

I slowly stopped eating and shot a confused glance at him.

Say what?

I couldn't really believe he'd be capable of something like that, but I remembered all the negative comments he'd had about her, and slowly began putting the pieces together. He really did have a genuine hate towards the misses, even though he had really loved her a lot at one point. I can actually understand why some men can go as far as murdering their spouses. Something overtakes them, and they lash out. I know they don't want to, but sometimes, the spouse will get to pull on the last string and push the other person overboard.

Then, I finally got the guts to ask what had been going through my mind for a few weeks.

"Did you ever talk about your ex to your ex-wife when you guys were together?"

He paused. Looked down at his plate and slowly said "No."


I resisted slamming my hands on the table and yelling out, but I calmed asked "Why not?"

"Because my wife felt threatened when I brought her up. She became hostile and I respected my Japanese Ex a lot more than her, so I preferred not to talk about her."

I was fuming.

So the only thing that could have stopped you from bringing the topic of your exes in our conversations was for me to get pissed?

So it didn't help that I voiced out my frustration calmy or shared my insecurities peacefully. Apparently I had to turn into a vapid bitch to be taken seriously.

Last night, completely off topic, Sebastian asked me "Are there ever things that I talk about that you don't really care about?"

This was my chance.

"Well, if you want to know, yes. Your exes. I don't see how many times I have to tell you I don't want to hear about them. I got tired of telling you, so now, I just don't listen to it."

"I'm really sorry Ren" he admitted.

"Truth is, it doesn't matter how many times you say you're sorry if you just go back and do it time later. I gave up. You can keep saying you're sorry, but I know you'll just end up bringing it up again, and I learned to deal with it by letting you talk about it."

His silence and the tone of his voice showed me that he was embarrassed about what I was confronting him about. I know it won't end, but maybe I've shamed him enough and he'll truly understand what I'm thinking when I roll my eyes in front of him.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

The reason I moved out

It was the beginning of 2009, and after 2 1/2 years of being single, I finally decided I wanted to start looking for someone. I was oblivious to the dating world, but that's for another blog. I was in my last semester at Houston Community College, ready to graduate with my Associate of Art's Degree in May.

And I was still living at home. At 24 years old.

My parents are still married and together, but my father has been working out in California since 2008 where he has his own business. My mom works here for minimum wage at a distribution center. I have twin sisters who are 9 years old.

For 1 1/2 years, I went to school on weekends and followed my courses online, all while managing a social life- or at least attempting to. It didn't bother me too much that I was doing classes on Saturdays and Sundays because I wasn't partying it up every weekend. I actually preferred one-day-a-week courses because it was easier for me to study.

But then I became unhappier. While my mom worked the graveyard shift (and still does, and I'll explain how in a bit) I had to stay home and watch my sisters. She would start work at 5pm, and my work schedule was 8am to 4pm. I didn't take a lunch so that I would work 8 hours and leave to make it in just as my mom was leaving for her work around 4:45pm. We hardly saw each other during the week. I would see her on the weekends after my classes were over, but most of the time, we communicated through post-it notes on the kitchen counters, mirrors, and microwave.

I was sad. My mom wasn't around anymore, and I was also unhappy that I had to spend every single weeknight cooped up at home. I couldn't go out. I could only go out on Saturday nights because my Sunday classes started a bit later.

My sisters were also very difficult (they still are, but my mom has to deal with them now.) I didn't like doing errands with them because they would become irritable if I spent too much time in a store. The only time they were manageable was when they were doing something they wanted- like the playground at the mall, but other than that, they were always running around the aisles, screaming and fighting in the stores making a mess.

It was embarassing, and it got to the point where I despised having to make a quick run anywhere with them if I was out of something. They were too young and I couldn't leave them home alone.

I often talked with my friend/coworker Jennifer about my stress in my home life. And even though I complained a lot, I always came to the conclusion that it was balanced out. I didn't pay rent, and my parents had a stay-at-home babysitter. 

But one day,Jennifer finally laid out the cherry on the cake. "You can't keep living for your parents. You're unhappy just by going home. They're the ones who had the children, let them take the responsibility! They're not your kids."

I always tried to defend my family, because it felt like a personal attack when they talked about them, and I always said  "But family is family, and we need to help each other out. They need me just as much as I need them... so I guess that makes it even."

"No, it's not. You need to be able to live your own life. You're 24 years old! You need to be able to do whatever you want. If one day you want to go grab an ice cream, or go watch a movie with a friend- you need to be able to do that, not say 'Oh, I can't. I have to watch my sisters' " she argued.

I just looked at her, trying to take it all in. Then, I started thinking.

It was true. I couldn't make any plans during the week. I was already committed to my sisters.

And I was so unhappy, frustrated, angry and taking it out on my mom and the twins.

Around the same time, I met Sebastian, and I opened up to him about my situation. He didn't seem to mind because we were spending the weekends together after my classes were over. At a certain point, it was enough. But there were some activities that took place during the week, and I couldn't take part. Sebastian was very understanding, and luckily, he loved children, so he actually liked being with my sisters.

We all went out to restaurants and shopping a few times because he knew that if my sisters couldn't go, I couldn't also. It was important for me to find someone who was compatible with my sisters even if I wasn't with the girls. It was almost a necessity that the person I hang out with not be annoyed by their behavior. Plus, it led me to believe that the person was truly interested in hanging out with me and them. Not many people would want kids in the package.

So during the 4 months we were together, I lazily searched for my new apartment. We visited a few complexes together, but never really found one that wowed me. After we broke up, Sebastian assumed I wouldn't move out because we weren't dating. I decided to prove him wrong and show that I was still committed to taking the next step to independence.

My parents weren't extremely supportive of my decision to move out, but they couldn't stop me either. My uncle told me they believed I was moving out with Sebastian. I never considered it. My mother was lost as to how she was going to manage working and caring for my sisters, and while my father said that I should take this next step in my life, I shouldn't rush out of the house since no one was forcing me to go. They both considered it a waste of money deciding to move out because I had a roof and food readily available at home. (About the time I started dating Sebastian, I began paying them $300 to help a little with costs. I only got to pay them for about 4 months, because my mom told me to save the money for when I would be moving out that summer.)

Nonetheless, the day I decided to make the move, I knew I was making a good decision. My relationship with my mom and sisters had begun deteriorating because I was tired of babysitting the girls. I had begun lashing out and was stressed at work because I had to leave at 4pm everyday even when my tasks weren't complete. I came to the conclusion that by leaving the household, I was saving my relationship with my family. I would be happier on my own and able to enjoy spending time with them when I visited.

My grandma arrived from Europe two weeks before I moved out. She's staying until November, while my mother continues to work. Everyone has asked me what my mom will do after my grandmother leaves, and I have no idea. My assumption is that she won't work anymore, but I can't feel guilty anymore. If I feel guilty, then I become unhappy. And when I'm unhappy, I become depressed and lash out. At this point in my life, I have to start taking care of myself first rather than my parents' situation. I wasn't the one to make the decision to come to Texas. I merely tagged along. I keep telling myself that if I'd stayed in California, they would have managed without me just fine, so why do I have to worry they won't make it without me now that things didn't work out?

Maybe it's selfish, I don't know. Jennifer reminded me that I wasn't the one with daughters- they were. It wasn't my responsibility to take care of them as if they were. It was selfish of them to assume that I didn't mind taking care of them.

Saturday, September 19, 2009

"How are you on your own?"

A few people were worried and concerned when I announced that I would be moving out. Those people were my parents, my coworkers and my friends. Sebastian was very confident that I would be able to manage and I was somewhat sure that I would be too.

It's been two weeks since I've flown the nest, only to be replaced by two adorable chicks- chickens that is. I love animals and it filled my heart with glee when I found out that my sisters had "found" two chicks one day at the park. I've always wanted chickens, even though I know they are a mess to handle. Plus, there's the added surprise of not knowing which sex you have until the male decides to crow at sunrise. I went by early this week to see them, but I couldn't get too close since I was sick with my cold. (update: 17 days after exposure, I still have minor phlegm.)

I talked to one of my hot vendors yesterday, and he asked me how living alone was going. I couldn't help but smile and say that it was going great. He wondered if I'd been okay since the move, and I couldn't admit that I hadn't spent much time at my new pad alone. Truth is, the reason why it has been going great, and why I haven't broken down yet is because I've been spending every other day in the company of Sebastian. I've traveled to his place to have dinner a few times, and we've gone out to eat as well. I have only "prepared" dinner in my kitchen 3 times in a period of 14 days. It's so much easier to hang out now that I'm not restricted to home. I have something to do every night. 

So I told my hot vendor the only thing I could think of at the time:
"I haven't been spending many nights at my place actually. I end up going home"

At which he laughed. "No it's okay, I can understand the need to be with your family when you're alone. I mean, I did it too. It was hard at first, but eventually you'll get used to it."

I continued trying to polish my answer by saying "But I like having moved out alone and not with someone else. I don't have to worry about ignoring my roommate."

Prior to moving out, I was worried about living alone. Though I had always envisioned to move by myself the first time, I couldn't help but think how nice it'd be to move in as a couple- like my ex was doing at the exact same moment in California.

I thought I'd be miserable also. I honestly thought I'd become depressed by not having someone to hang out with to combat boredom. But it hasn't been the case. Sebastian has been there for me. Though we are not an actual couple, we are still dating one another, though with no intentions that it will lead to something. He intends to keep it strictly "friends only", but with an "emotional attachment involved" might I add. We still talk every single day for hours on end. We actually talk more now than we did when we were a couple. We still make plans for the weekends, and make decisions as a couple. You know, I really have no idea what this all means.

Sebastian gave me the added push and motivation to continue moving on and out of my parents'. Even though we weren't together when I moved out, I didn't want to go back on my word. I needed to go. And it is because of him that I'm doing so much better on my own, and the fact that I'm so much happier and relaxed.

My coworker pulled me aside the other day and asked me how things were going. When I told her they were great, she said "I can tell. This is the first time I've seen you smile. I'm very happy for you."

Friday, September 18, 2009

I like you more when you're not here

I read a blog article on Yahoo's Shine about the 9 wrong reasons for liking someone. Within them included the reason of boredom, and being desperate. They explained a few of the incidents I'm experiencing at the moment.

BEG went away on assignment late last week, but returned over the weekend. I didn't know this because I was too busy spending time with Sebastian to see his missed call.

I chatted with BEG early on in the week, and we tried to set up a real dinner date for that evening. I wanted to go back to a Vietnamese restaurant I'd once tried out, and I texted him the address to meet me there (Remember the Chili's incident? I have to text him exact addresses to insure accuracy now.)

He said he needed to do laundry still and was very tired. He tried to get me to skip the restaurant in the following two ways:

1- He offered to make dinner and watch a movie at his place instead.
2- He asked to stop by my place to do his laundry after work.

I was laughing inside. Nervously.

Aren't we supposed to be friends only? .

So I reminded BEG that he couldn't cook (he had told me this before), and that I wanted to unwind at my own place, alone. Having him there would be weird. Not to say even weirder to have him there for the first time and do his laundry. I told him I could wait around and we could meet up later if he needed to finish his laundry.

He ended up texting me later that afternoon while I was still at work, and said he was way too tired to head out to do anything. He offered again to have dinner at his place and watch a movie there. I told him I was going home instead to spend time with my family, but not to worry, and that we could do dinner the following day.

He messaged me early the next morning near dawn to tell me he was getting called back out to the same job out by San Antonio. I wished him a good trip and didn't hear from him until the following evening.

Herein lies the sentimental attachment: Early on, I didn't see much spark between us. He has the most beautiful eyes,but that was pretty much it. I couldn't find an attraction strong enough to make me want to drop Sebastian as easily as a hot pot, but the distance plays a big factor on my attachment to BEG. He's not always available, which makes it harder to see him in person, hence forget what he looks like. I'm developing a connection to his character, which is what I was mainly interested in at first. I want to be friends with this person, and get to know him before we get into anything serious. We've both always rushed into relationships, and I wanted to stand my ground for the first time, and really work on a connection before the title of a couple came into play. I'm more into that now, seeing as to how things worked "so well" with Sebastian, and how badly I got burned.

BEG texts me with his "itinerary" every day. He's always telling me what he's up to throughout the day, and I know I can count on him for a compliment without fail when I see him. (See previous blog for Sebastian's failure to compliment.) Because of this, I'm confident to assume that I do cross BEG's mind during the day, which is what every girl needs. (The guy I dated before Sebastian would often text me telling me he thought of me and missed cuddling with me. Isn't that sweet? I never shared that with Sebastian, and it was painful not to have that attention.) The farthest Sebastian will go to say is "You're so cute Ren" when I make a quirky comment or have a funny outburst, which is okay and a reason why I won't dimiss him as downright useless.

BEG comes back next week, and I know it'll finally be time to share a real dinner date. We've had fun in the meantime spending some afternoons together, but I don't know what it'll turn into especially with Sebastian in tow.

I can't seem to shake my feelings for him off. I really should have taken a break.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Why won't you compliment me??

I need attention. I crave it. Women need to be reminded that they look good on date night.

Sebastian and I decided to meet up for a cheap dinner the other night at Ikea. I'd mentioned it weeks before that Ikea boasts their 15 piece meatball dinner for $2.49 on Tuesday nights. Since he loves it, I wanted to show him that I shared his enthusiasm for those swedish meatballs.

The work day went by like a total drag. I had lunch with my colleague, which pushed my off time to 5pm. I usually get off at 4pm, and with good reason: I'm already psychologically on off-mode by 3:30. I couldn't wait to get home to do my hair. I'd been wanting to let it down for a few weeks, but was always too busy or lazy to do anything about it. And meeting up on a date with Sebastian gave me the push to try something new.

Once home, I spent the following two hours getting ready at a snail's pace. I got the curls I wanted and the smoky eyes I'd been dying to try out. I put on Sebastian's favorite shirt- the one to fully enhance my chest, and felt good and ready. I felt confident about my look- which definitely merited a compliment.

I showed up at the cafeteria and Sebastian barely batted an eye. He didn't even hug or kiss me. He was more concerned about the food. No compliment, Zilch. I was pissed and spent most of the dinner quietly ignoring him and rolling my eyes at his comments. He asked me a couple of times if something was wrong because he wasn't used to seeing me this quiet. I told him no and went on to finish dinner.

I told him I had to get a couple of things from the store for my place, and we went downstairs to pick them up. About an hour later, he finally says "I like your hair." Two minutes later he mentions "I like that shirt. You look nice tonight."

When I finally got the compliment I was desperately seeking, I relaxed and became my usual chitter self. Yet, I couldn't get past the long wait for a compliment. Then I remembered that Sebastian doesn't compliment or show much attention to any change in appearance very often.

While we were together, I hardly ever got a "you look good" compliment which made me think that maybe he wasn't all that interested in me. My previous boyfriend made damn sure to compliment me every day, which might have "spoiled" me.

He asked if we were going back to my place, which threw me off guard. I wasn't expecting him to come over since I hadn't given him a key to my apartment- I was having problems with the lock, and the extra keys didn't work very well. Plus, he started work a lot later in the morning, which meant he'd have to leave with me at the same time in the morning. I had already packed a bag with the intention of sleeping over at his place instead. Since he "asked" to come over, I agreed.

Along the way, we took a detour because I'd mentioned there was a sex shop around my work that was having a going out of business sale. (note: just because it says "out of business" and they offer you 20% off on toys, it doesn't mean it'll eventually be cheaper. After our purchase, we realized that we'd paid the same as any other store- plus driven out of the way to get there. A long way out.) Sebastian was eager to try it out because I'd mentioned a few days earlier that I wasn't happy with the toy I had and wanted to try something new. His excuse to going to the store was "Let's get you something better for when I'm not there with you."

How... sweet?

Afterwards, we stopped by the CVS pharmacy so that he could buy a toothbrush since he always forgot to bring his extra one with him. Once home, he looked at the dresser he'd singlehandedly built for me the previous weekend. I had noted that it was still empty because I really couldn't find what to put into it. He pulled the third drawer and chuckled "Well, I guess one of these will be mine."

I sweated at the thought.

A while later, he added "I found three boxers I could leave here with you."

What for??

"Oh really? W....hy?" I numbingly asked.

"You know- for when I come over and stuff" he replied.

Oh shit

This kind of stuff would have never bothered me had we been in an exclusive relationship the way we were supposed to be.But since we aren't, it rubs me the wrong way, and I don't have the balls to tell him no. I mean- what message am I sending to people by having two toothbrushes in my bathroom? Plus, I know some people snoop around, so how will it look if a potential flame looks into my drawers and finds his boxers? Yeah, what's my excuse there?

Uh... people like to sleep over.

The following morning, I got ready for work while Sebastian rolled around in bed trying to drift back to sleep.

We still hadn't talked about the key and I thought that maybe he'd leave along with me, and I wouldn't have to offer my extra key. When it was apparent that he wouldn't crawl out of bed in time, I had to test out the key again and when I kissed him good bye, he sheepishly asked "Um, do you have an extra key?" As I handed him the copy he thanked me and I instructed him "You have to wiggle it and shove it in the lock to get it to turn. Have a good day at work."

"Thanks, you have a good day too."

Before leaving, I deleted the browsing history on my laptop for fear that he'd stumble across my blog.

When I came home, I half-expected for him to have made my bed, like I normally do when I stay at his place. Most of the time, I'll clean up the kitchen, the bathroom and throw out the trash because it needs it. It doesn't bother me at all, and I actually prefer to do it. However, when I came home, my bed had been left unmade.

Huh.... I forgot guys don't cooperate much in that department. Oh well.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

The girl he should have married

I've had this discussion with three men- Sebastian, BEG and a good friend named Paul.

It turns out that most men often think back to the girl that they let go. Sebastian has gone into some detail about regretting to marry his now ex-wife, and not marrying his Japanese Ex instead. I haven't wanted to get into specifics, but as far as I know, Sebastian married his "high school sweetheart"- for lack of better words. They had met at a bus station one summer during high school and apparently kept in contact. He lived in California at the time, and she lived in Texas.

They both went on with their separate lives, and somewhere along the way, they got together again while each of them was in a committed relationship. He with the Japanese Girl of 5 years, and she..... well, some guy. They cheated on their partners and ended up terminating their long term relationships.

About 6 months later they got into contact again, and went to live together. Less than a year together later, they were getting married.

Sebastian will stress over and over that his marriage to his now-ex wife was a big mistake, and problem was, he knew it even before it happened.

But he wanted to give her everything and make her happy; which didn't work, and she left him when he couldn't please her financially. He was frugal and more careful about money; she wasn't because she'd always been spoiled.

At one point when we were still "together", Sebastian welled up and mentioned that he should have married his Japanese Ex, because at least with her, he was certain of being happy "forever." It broke my heart when I heard this because it was a constant reminder of what he had at one point, and how I couldn't replace it. He had promised to not mention it again, but he never followed through with it, and the Japanese Girl would make an appearance every now and then.

I asked Sebastian why he hadn't married her, and he said because he was young (23) and didn't feel ready for it. He married the ex-wife a year later. I wonder what changed.

I once asked BEG during a session of "20 questions" if there had ever been a girl who he could have considered marrying, and he said that there had been. We didn't go in depth, but he mentioned that he hadn't done so because he felt too young to marry. He admitted that he knew he could have been happy forever with her and lived a stable life.

Paul let it slip innocently that he had been involved with a girl for a few months. He lived in Austin and she in Lousiana, and would travel on the weekends to see him. They had made it clear to each other that they were not a couple, merely friends with benefits. However, he decided to end it because he didn't feel right having her drive so often to see him just for sex. She apparently had later married, and he wished her happiness and prosperity, not before saying "I should have married her. She was so cool and had such an optimistic view about life."

It made me wonder- why do men chose not to marry the ones that are ideally suited for them, only to find themselves thinking about their missed chances years later. How many more men feel they've missed out on that one special person because they didn't feel ready for that type of commitment?

As a woman, I personally don't feel tempted to nitpick through possible bachelors because they're not perfect. I've learned to accept quirks and certain traits as positive features of a man's persona. More openly- I just don't want to be 35 years old and single with no more chances.

Sebastian has oftentimes said that he believes he will live as a hermit because he doesn't believe he will be truly compatible with just one person for the rest of his life (especially since he believes in Singularity, but we'll talk about that some other time.) Though I would prefer it that way in part because of my jealousy for the next woman, I highly doubt it'll be the case.

I'm tempted to think if Sebastian will one day look back and consider me as one of those missed chances.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Patrick Swayze dies at 57


My heart had a tiny tear when I read on Yahoo's page that Patrick Swayze had died on Monday September 14, 2009.

It was apparent that he would die when he publicly announced that he was suffering from pancreatic cancer last year . Yet, you can't help but feel that maybe they'll pull through- that he'll he one of the rare cases of survival.

The first movie I remember him in was Ghost. It is my mom's favorite movie, and has become one of mine as well. Who knew a dead character could bring so much love to the screen?

It's one of those movies that will bring tears to your eyes no matter the number of times you watch it. The storyline was so breathtakingly beautiful.

And then there was PointBreak. Another great movie alongside Keanu Reeves.

I can't believe how many influential people we've lost in 2009 alone. It's hearbreaking to even begin to think of the names.

Monday, September 14, 2009

I snoop for my own bad

I will admit that every once in a while I snoop through Sebastian's phone.

And most of the time, I really don't like what I find.

Be it phone calls or text between his ex-wife, I think I'm just looking for a reason to not like him anymore. But it's getting harder and harder the more time we end up spending together.

As a result, we ended up spending this entire past weekend together. And I know I'm only hurting myself, but it's just so difficult to part ways. It's convenient having him there. I think I want to blame BEG on it for this one, because for the first real weekend on my own, he finally went away to a real jobsite. After months of sitting on his ass without any real job interaction, he got called out to San Antonio to fix a motor on an oil rig. He was away the entire weekend, and we had minimal contact.

Sebastian was there for me from Friday on, continuing to nurse me back to health, alternating our sleepovers between his place and mine. I had to buy him a bath sponge so he'd have one to shower with, and he bought an extra toothbrush to leave his old one at my place. We ended up watching TV most of the time because I have cable, and he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't have a TV anymore because he gave it to me.

BEG crossed my mind a couple of times, and I think it was due to the lack of attention that I usually get from him via text and aim. I've come to realize now that I'm a total starved attention "whore" for lack of a better word. It makes me feel better when I get attention- even if it's not from the right guy. Any attention is good attention. I saw a missed call from him while I was out to dinner with Sebastian, and didn't bother to call back. I mean..... when could I? We were together the entire time, and I felt it would be rude to return the call in front of him, even if he does encourage me to date.

See- that's the part that gets to me. How can Sebastian not get jealous? The more we talked about his past, the more I realize that maybe he's not meant to be with just one person. (And actually, he has told me this before- he doesn't believe in complete monogamy forever. He doesn't believe in the idea of marriage as everlasting.) He's got an awesome character, and I love that about him, but how could you possibly let the love of your life (ie: the Japanese Girl) walk away when you had a chance to keep her? She didn't break up up with him after he cheated on her (with his current ex-wife), he broke up with her. The Japanese Girl was actually willing to make it work, but he decided not to. Now, years later, he talks about regret for not marrying her, and regrets marrying the wrong one.

Was it really love? Or just a notion?

I mean, I know I loved my last boyfriend. I've suffered depression ever since we broke up, and I've never been the same as I was before. I don't smile or laugh the same I used to, and I do regret ending things with him, but I can't keep beating myself over it. It just causes more pain and distraught.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't envision the thought of an ideal marriage with Sebastian- I don't see anything wrong with him. It just pains me that he doesn't view it the same way as I do. And it hurt me even more the more time we spent together because we were getting to a point where we were finishing each others' sentences. We were thinking the same thing, and reacting the same under certain circumstances. I haven't had that happen in years- it takes a long time to achieve that. And even though my heart tells me it's happening with the right person, my head tells me not to enjoy or believe it.

This weekend, Sebastian continued on his search for a car because his Tercel finally died out. I went with him to the bank to help him in getting information about loans- and I felt like we were a couple. I was his support, and he was glad and didn't hesitate to take my suggestions. I loved it. I felt great about being able to help him, and I enjoyed the fact that he was taking my suggestions seriously about what kind of vehicle to purchase. He kept asking me about my opinion on the matter. After much research, he finally decided it was best to buy used instead of new.

I can't help but feel a little jealous about the new girl he will one day replace me with. She'll get to have all the fun driving around in his car.

Late last night, Sebastian asked me if I was planning to come over to have dinner with him tonight because he was going to make spaghetti. I felt a sense of relief being able to say that I couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. I don't like to give him all my available time. I want to be able to have my own, especially since we're not officially an item. I don't feel he deserves it for me to be on call 7 days a week.

[side note: I wasn't able to update this past weekend because I was involved with Sebastian throughout all 48 hours, and because I've just recently lost my open connection to the internet. While I will make every effort to write daily, I may not be able to publish]

Friday, September 11, 2009

I am an American Citizen

-Breaking News-

It's official! Today, I am an American citizen!

I headed over to Sebastian's last night with some dinner from Tan Tan's (one of my favorite Asian restaurants.) My appointment was over in his neighborhood today, so it was simpler to review the last bit of flashcards with him last night, and drive over to the interview today. However, I was mainly hunched over a throw up bucket and covered in tissues from my horrible congestion. It was getting very hard to breathe. He quickly rushed out to Kroger's to get me some Mucinex and nasal spray to relieve the pain. I quickly passed out after the last review.

Then today, I drove over to the Department of Homeland Security office in North Houston to take my civics test and be interviewed by an officer. It went perfectly. I missed one question, but got the rest of them correctly. The officer went through my application, asking me all the questions again, and reviewing my passports for my exits and entries to the U.S.

She approved my application and told me that I would be receiving a letter to appear at the next Oath of Allegiance ceremony in late October. My father has also passed his test, but his application is still pending on his income tax transcripts, so we don't know if he'll be sworn in at the same time as me.

Sebastian must have been feeling pretty optimistic about the whole interview because he suggested once again we go to France when I mentioned low airfares online. He asked if I was up for it, and I told him I'd check to see how many vacation days I had left at work.

Bad news- I only have 20 hours.

I guess it'll have to be for next year.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

The start of something new

  • Front page
I started the week just perfectly- I left the keys on my door the first night in. I'm just not used to coming in through a front door.

  • Local/domestic/national news
My little haven is relaxing. Just before moving out, I cried out to Sebastian and exclaimed my anxiousness to moving out alone for the first time. He told me that there was nothing to worry about- because he too was living on his own.

Yeah. You forgot the one part where you've lived with a girl since you moved out of your dad's house. And then another. And then your wife. You've always lived with a girl. In fact, at your 26 years, this is the first time you've lived on your own. Somehow, it's not the same as what I'm facing.

But after getting cozy on my couch the other night, I felt a moment of relief. It was so quiet. There was no one to bother me. I could do whatever I wanted, and there would be no one to complain about. I look around me and I realize that this is all mine. It's simple, but this is what makes me me. And if I ever get annoyed of being alone, I can leave at any moment's notice without having to tell anyone.
  • Business
Work is ok. I came in on tuesday even though I was very sick. The only reason I showed up was because no one would believe I'd gotten sick after labor day weekend. I went in today and though I felt better, I had a nasty cough that tickled a lot. My boss told me to go home because I wasn't "doing anyone any favors by being sick at work." Somehow I got the feeling she was actually mad at me for showing up at work. And since I didn't have much to do, I left around 10:30 and went to my mom's to pick up the last few boxes and some papers for my citizenship test and interview this friday. I later went over to Walmart to buy a rug, lamp and some knick-knacks.
  • Weather

It's been raining cats and dogs for the last couple of days. Quite a few lightning strikes. The rumbling reminds me of tremors in California.

I don't miss those at all.

  • Letters from the readers
I had my first two comments from a reader on my blog! I can't tell you how happy it made me to read their responses. I'm just wondering how they stumbled upon my page......
Thank you!
  • Society/People
I messaged BEG to find out if he'd be free tomorrow because I was going to be in his surrounding area after work. Within minutes, he tells me he's finally being called out to do a job out in East Texas. I was a bit relieved that he'd gotten called out because I got the feeling I would of had to make some time to see him this weekend. I can't keep finding excuses like before anymore.
  • Automobiles
It looks like Sebastian's car has finally seen the end of its days. Or at least I hope so. He drives a P.O.S Tercel that desperately needs body work. It doesn't bother me one bit that he drives it- it's his incessant obsession of finding a new car that has me completely annoyed. I've had to hear him talk about getting a new car ever since we met. He's asked for my opinion numerous times and all I end up telling him is that he should drive his Tercel to the ground before he commits to buying a brand new car. And accumulating more debt.
  • Cooking/cuisine
I managed to burn my fingers on my new toaster the other day as I was trying to get the bread to pop up. I haven't "cooked" yet- just heated up a skillet meal and a canned soup. So far, I've gotten my fruit intake through a smoothie- something Sebastian taught me to do. I normally don't eat any fruit, so he suggested I invest in a powerful blender and make smoothies with frozen fruit and apple juice. Blend. DONE!
  • Health/medicine
A new experiment comes into view. Sebastian was sick last week, and feeling overly optimistic of my immune system, I went to visit him and keep him company. He had advised me not to, but I did anyway.

  • +72 hours of exposure- first symptoms of cold appear: Itchy nose, mild sore throat
  • +4 days- severe sore throat, body aches, sneezing
  • +4 days, 12 hours- runny nose, sore throat
  • +5 days- sinus congestion, severe runny nose, headache, sneezing, mild sore throat, body aches and ear decompression.
  • +6 days- minor body aches, mild to non-existent sore throat, mild runny nose, ear decompression, itchy throat, mild coughing.
  • +7 days- itchy throat, phlegm, severe coughing
Results: Fail.
I've been on Sudafed, cough drops and Dayquil.

  • Home & decoration
I put up my picture frames on my walls and my clocks as well. I put together my new lamp and my rug to prevent any stains from spills I will have. The only thing that sucks is having a dumpster about as far as a freaking football field. I've turned off my A/C because it turns on when I have it set at 80 and I don't feel I need it. The rotating fan that Sebastian gave me is better than perfect and does the job of cooling me down perfectly.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

A scare!

As we were moving things up into my apartment this weekend, a sweet old lady offered to help Sebastian and I move my couch upstairs. It just made things worse. We were both scared that she would hurt herself and fall down the stairs, drop the couch on our heads, or worse- trip us up to fall to our untimely deaths each. She lives in the apartment below me. By the sound of it, she doesn't speak much English, but what we were able to understand was her name- Mrs. Brown.

With all the commotion we caused, my new neighbor across the "hall" came out to see who was making the noise. As soon as I saw her, I stopped dead in my tracks and quickly glanced out of the corner of my eye into Sebastian's direction. She looked just like his Japanese ex.

Damnit! Can't a girl catch a break??

I quickly introduced myself and Sebastian to her. Her name is Daphne and she goes to school close by. She was excited about having new neighbors. Turns out she'd just moved in about a month ago. I quickly excused myself after thanking Mrs. Brown for her help, and went back into my apartment.

"Daphne. Huh..... I haven't heard that name in a while" said Sebastian.

Oh great here it goes. He noticed her too.

"Yeah. It sounds like a prissy name" I shot back.

Don't get any ideas Sebastian!

A while later I recalled how excited she'd seemed to have new neighbors. Sebastian mentioned "Yeah, I think she was happy to have neighbors their own age."

"What do you mean their age? Who are you talking about?" I asked

"Well I saw a guy walking in the background; must be her boyfriend" he answered.

"Man, you've got a good eye. I didn't see anyone back there" I said.

Phew...... she's taken.

A while later, we left to go throw some trash away and saw her coming down the stairs. I flagged her down, but she didn't "see" me. I called out to her louder the second time and asked her if she knew where the dumpsters were.

"Uh I don't know. I just throw my trash in my car and toss it elsewhere" she answered as she continued down the stairs.

"Huh" I said to Sebastian. "Was it just me or did she seem a bit rude?" I asked him.

"Yeaaah. I know huh. Looks like you've got a bipolar asian for a neighbor" he added.

"Yeah, you must know. You married one" I concluded.

Ooooh, pwned

-----Later that day-----

We went to get lunch at Taco Bell before going back to my mom's house to pick up the rest of my boxes. This lunch period revolved around his ex wife and their marriage. He talked about her the entire time, saying how unhappy he'd been, and regretting ever marrying her though he did in fact love her.

Yeah, love blinds you. Completely.

It didn't bother me that he talked about her; I was mainly curious to know what had happened in their relationship, especially since he'd said she'd been very abusive and violent towards him for every little thing. People that are bipolar need help from a therapist- of which she was reluctant to see. Eventually, her unhappiness with him led her to leave him. I felt bad for his misfortune, but I think the only thing he could have done was to smack her around a bit and instill fear in her. Problem was, she didn't take him seriously or respect him at all. Their fights just got worse.

He talked about her so much, that as we were setting up my bathroom back in my apartment, he called me by her name. I didn't quite hear it at first, but when he said "Shit. I called you Jeannette," I just stared at him, and gave him a confused look. It didn't bother me much, and I knew why it had slipped out. "Wow. That's the first time I call you that. Gotta admit I did pretty well. It's because we've been talking about her so much today. Let's not talk about her ever again."

Well, that sounded like a splendid idea, except he mentioned her again the next day.
And the next.

I was soclose to achieving annihilation of the ex-wife.

Oh well, it's back to the drawing board.

Monday, September 7, 2009

It. Is. Perfect.

My first apartment.

I can't even begin to describe how grateful and lucky I feel to have landed such a great apartment. My biggest fear was that I would land a crappy, roach infested, ghetto neighborhood first apartment on my way out the nest because of my budget. Instead, I got what has become Sebastian's envy. His apartment- just way better.

I'm going to have to brag because for the first time ever in almost...... 3 years, I am actually proud and happy about my well being. I seriously need a boost to my self esteem.

So welcome to my apartment:

As you walk in you will be amazed at the finesse of the vaulted ceilings that scream for the potential of owning a "projector." At least, that was Sebastian's idea. Yeah, I don't want to spend $800 on something I don't need.

The kitchen is white. Pristine. New. I even got so lucky as to get a window! The model they showed me didn't even have that! I felt extremely dumb when I noticed something weird on the kitchen stove. The burners were sticking out, and they seemed to be missing something. Sebastian took the liberty of connecting them and telling me I needed drip pans. Yeah, that's a good thing he mentioned it, else, I would have just turned them on and melted the stove

I have a dining room that I'm most likely never going to see. I can't exactly put a dining table unless I push it against a wall since the apartment is small (513 sqft). I have since decided not to clutter my new place and forego the dinner table. I'll have to figure out if I want to eat like an Arab (on the ground) or like a Japanese (on a low table). I might go American and eat with a dinner tray, plopped on the couch in front of the TV. See how convenient it is?

I have a patio with a storage closet where I've been storing all my boxes for when I have to move again. See- I'm already thinking of the future.

My bedroom has two gigantic mirrors. Oh fuck yah. I have so much storage space in there compared to the 6ft closet I had back at home. Everything was cramped in there, and some of my clothes never saw the light of day. Literally. Coming soon: Ikea dresser on the left hand side. The long curtain on the wall is actually for a small window I have there. All the apartments have super bright lights right outside our doors- which Sebastian and I found out after the first night.

And my bathroom, which I decided to decorate in white and yellow to help with my mood. Though my favorite color is purple/plum, I needed something bright to help me feel happier in the mornings. The curtain, towels and bath mat, you can't see, I bought at Ikea.

Moving in couldn't be complete with the celebratory pizza. I don't know why, but there's something about pizza and moving that go hand in hand. That pizza was so delicious. I've never had any better.

I managed to make my first black mark on the main wall within the first 3 minutes of having my couch in the living room. Actually, it happened as Sebastian left me alone as he went downstairs to unload the truck. When he came back he exclaimed "Why couldn't you wait for me to help you move it??" "I was just too excited and wanted to do it before you got back!" I responded.

I had to go do some grocery shopping late last night because I needed to stock up on survival gear. I bought milk, bread and skillet meals, along with other stuff like frozen fruit, some canned goods (I have a tiny pantry) and top ramen- the emergency food.

Sebastian helped me out tremendously this weekend, and also took good care of me. I started developing cold symptons on Saturday night. My throat began hurting and my nose has been running non-stop since Sunday morning. I ended up catching Sebastian's flu from when I went to see him on Wednesday- all too aware that he was sick. There's no one to blame but me for that one. He made me tea a couple of times and let me rest and not overexert myself, though he too was still a little sick. He managed to move most of the large furniture on his own (coffee table, mattress, box spring, and dresser.) The couch we had to move together.

I need to go to bed. I'm not completely weirded out by sleeping alone yet, I'm ok for the time being. I'm really glad my mom didn't chime in when my uncle asked me during our bbq on Sunday if I'd been OK sleeping alone in my new place. I would have been mortified if she'd said that Sebastian had kept me company in front of my grandma.

Oh yeah...
and I have free cable too.
That rocks.

Sunday, September 6, 2009

She's getting married!

In the last few days, I've been thinking back to some of the conversations Sebastian and I have had regarding his past; i.e.: the exes.

Sebastian mentioned that he wanted to take a vacation somewhere. Japan. And my stomach turned over. Yeah.... I know why you'd want to go out there. And don't even think of making me believe that it's to see your friends. It's pretty obvious it's to see your Japanese ex. He was madly in love with her, and to this day, I still have to hear "I should have married her." It's evident he never really got over her- because she was perfect.

You know, I wonder if he ever brought this stuff up with his ex-wife at the time they were married. I never bothered to ask.

So he continued talking about taking a trip, when he mentioned he wanted to go to France, and out of the blue he says "Would you go with me?" To which I pessimistically answered "Sure." "Really?" he said. "Yeah. I'm overdue anyways. We could go during Spring Break. That'd be good timing. " "And visit surrounding countries too. Oh that'd be awesome!" he added enthusiastically.

All I could bring myself to think was how much I wished that damn Japanese ex had a boyfriend (if she didn't already) or would get married. It would definitely give him closure, right?

Sebastian calls me one day after work like he normally does and unwinds about his day at work. About 30 minutes in or so he calmly says "I found out that my.... ex.... ex......"As soon as I heard "ex," my eyes rolled and I was about to take the bluetooth out of my ear when he concludes with "......is getting married." I quickly calculated in my head and knew that the "ex-ex" was the Japanese girl.



So it may not mean much for us again, but that should control him for a few years right? I mean, divorce is bound to happen. Hell, it happened to him, so why not her?

"Oh well, congratulations to her" I said blankly. "Yeah, I wished her the same thing" he answered.

Would that be the reason why I saw that he had logged into his Plenty of Fish profile and updated it? (You can find this out by adding a person to your favorites. It shows the last time they were online.) That was quite the blow to the stomach. I was mad and deceived. Hurt and pained. He said he wasn't ready to date, but updated his profile anyway.
Quite suddenly, BEG didn't seem so unattractive after all....