Marry for money or for love?

I’m at a crossroads on this one. I know most people ultimately say “for love”, but I can’t help but think that it’s not as simple as it looks.

I’d marry for comfort.

Comfort in the sense that I’d want to be financially comfortable AND emotionally comfortable to spend the rest of my years with that person. Let's face it, divorce happens.

I don't want to marry someone if I sense divorce is a possibility in the future..... therefore motivating me to choose an alternative to marriage and form a social monogamy or domestic partnership.

I didn't get married to the last boyfriend, and if I had, it definitely would have been for love. But there was no money, so I knew it wouldn't last.  I know we would have been very happy at first, but ultimately miserable, fighting over finances because that's all we did in our last 2 years together.

Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis once said “The first time you marry for love, the second for money, and the third for companionship.”

It doesn't seem that far fetched at all. The second time around, you know that you need money in order to make the love work. Face it- you don't want to be in default on your mortgage and stress out over finances. That much stress will take a toll on people and slowly disintegrate a marriage.
 
 

 
I don't know what Sebastian married for, but I'm tempted to say that it was for love. She on the other hand, wanted the money more (as he's often told me). He set his foot down, controlled the money they could spend, and made her unhappy and violent. She left 2 years into the marriage.
 
I've heard time and time again that he knew even before they married that it was doomed. Somehow, he hoped her to change. He was advised against it because of her violent nature. Still, he did it, and to this day, regrets most of it. It was always fights, and honestly, I can understand. I lived it. I was responsible for most of it. However, I was much younger and very immature.
 
Funny how much you can change in 4 years. If you're willing to change that is.
 
Nevertheless, I can understand that having just money and no love does not make you happy either. I've never experienced it, and personally wouldn't want to. That's how resentment grows and infidelity happens. 
 

The girl he should have married

I've had this discussion with three men- Sebastian, BEG and a good friend named Paul.

It turns out that most men often think back to the girl that they let go. Sebastian has gone into some detail about regretting to marry his now ex-wife, and not marrying his Japanese Ex instead. I haven't wanted to get into specifics, but as far as I know, Sebastian married his "high school sweetheart"- for lack of better words. They had met at a bus station one summer during high school and apparently kept in contact. He lived in California at the time, and she lived in Texas.

They both went on with their separate lives, and somewhere along the way, they got together again while each of them was in a committed relationship. He with the Japanese Girl of 5 years, and she..... well, some guy. They cheated on their partners and ended up terminating their long term relationships.

About 6 months later they got into contact again, and went to live together. Less than a year together later, they were getting married.

Sebastian will stress over and over that his marriage to his now-ex wife was a big mistake, and problem was, he knew it even before it happened.


But he wanted to give her everything and make her happy; which didn't work, and she left him when he couldn't please her financially. He was frugal and more careful about money; she wasn't because she'd always been spoiled.

At one point when we were still "together", Sebastian welled up and mentioned that he should have married his Japanese Ex, because at least with her, he was certain of being happy "forever." It broke my heart when I heard this because it was a constant reminder of what he had at one point, and how I couldn't replace it. He had promised to not mention it again, but he never followed through with it, and the Japanese Girl would make an appearance every now and then.

I asked Sebastian why he hadn't married her, and he said because he was young (23) and didn't feel ready for it. He married the ex-wife a year later. I wonder what changed.

I once asked BEG during a session of "20 questions" if there had ever been a girl who he could have considered marrying, and he said that there had been. We didn't go in depth, but he mentioned that he hadn't done so because he felt too young to marry. He admitted that he knew he could have been happy forever with her and lived a stable life.

Paul let it slip innocently that he had been involved with a girl for a few months. He lived in Austin and she in Lousiana, and would travel on the weekends to see him. They had made it clear to each other that they were not a couple, merely friends with benefits. However, he decided to end it because he didn't feel right having her drive so often to see him just for sex. She apparently had later married, and he wished her happiness and prosperity, not before saying "I should have married her. She was so cool and had such an optimistic view about life."

It made me wonder- why do men chose not to marry the ones that are ideally suited for them, only to find themselves thinking about their missed chances years later. How many more men feel they've missed out on that one special person because they didn't feel ready for that type of commitment?


As a woman, I personally don't feel tempted to nitpick through possible bachelors because they're not perfect. I've learned to accept quirks and certain traits as positive features of a man's persona. More openly- I just don't want to be 35 years old and single with no more chances.

Sebastian has oftentimes said that he believes he will live as a hermit because he doesn't believe he will be truly compatible with just one person for the rest of his life (especially since he believes in Singularity, but we'll talk about that some other time.) Though I would prefer it that way in part because of my jealousy for the next woman, I highly doubt it'll be the case.


I'm tempted to think if Sebastian will one day look back and consider me as one of those missed chances.