Monday, March 29, 2010

Don't think about him!

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

Personally, that doesn't work for me. I tried it once, and my mind was still connected to the past, so I stopped it from going anywhere. If my heart's not in it, I'm not going to move on with a new person. I'm just going to mess around with them. No pun intended.... or not......

For me, it's better to disconnect myself completely. Emotionally, physically and technologically as well.

Getting away from Facebook and holding myself back from calling Sebastian is probably one of the most effective ways to separate myself from him. If I don't see what he's doing, then I simply don't think about him. I haven't ventured into the world yet because I know I'm not ready, but I'm a bit excited for that day to come.

Today I went in for a testing session that the Kids's Center needed me to complete prior to my second interview tomorrow. I went into a staffing firm that tested me for my proficiency with Excel 2003. Pfft. Old school. There were 30 questions, and it consisted of working with a sample spreadsheet giving me directions on completing simple tasks like sums, averages, fixing margins, adding new cells, bolding, changing font, etc. I felt pretty confident even though there were a few questions that I'd never encountered before. However, I was able to handle the gist of it, and I'm sure my interviewer will see that I know how to work with Excel.

I called my interviewer to confirm my appointment for tomorrow, and he told me to come in a little bit earlier to review the load of questions he'd asked last week before meeting with his boss, the CFO. He had told me last week that she wasn't the one to give the final word on the hiring process (that was up to HR after they'd review his recommendations) but he wanted potential candidates to meet with her to get to know each other. That sounds promising right?

So here's to tomorrow. I hope I nail this job. I need something new.

Saturday, March 27, 2010

Things are tough!

The week has continued with more ups and downs. I've broken down more than once.

The interview on Monday with the kid's center went by great however! It actually lasted close to 3 hours. I'm not kidding. There were a lot of psychological questions which really didn't tie in with the job description itself. A lot of "how do you deal with kids", "explain a difficult or frustrating time you've experienced with a child"; "what is your favorite age group" and etc.

I also met up with the AP manager who asked me a handful of questions too, and a maintenance technician as well. They were all very upbeat, but 3 hours for an interview was slowly starting to burn me out. The main person sounded very optimistic about my session and kept giving me high hopes and throwing hints here and there that they would be calling me back for a second interview. He told that he would be calling me middle of next week with a yes or a no. On Thursday, he called me to schedule a second interview on Tuesday to meet with the CFO and asked if I wouldn't mind coming in for a computer literacy exam.  They are very picky. During the first interview, they made me sign off three different release waivers for permission to contact any entity from my past in order to do background checks. I felt completely vulnerable, as if they could find something bad about me that could impede me from getting hired. (I do have a clean background by the way)

On Wednesday, over 2 weeks since my breakup from Sebastian, I caved. I noticed on his facebook that he was home sick and called him. We stayed on the phone for almost 2 hours, just talking about each other, us and things that had been going on.

"I noticed you'd gone back on Plenty of Fish" he said.

"Yeah, I did, but my profile is kept private" I told him.

"Yeah, I saw your updated profile and the part that your profile is private. 'If you can see me it's probably because I added you as a favorite' and you saying you're not ready to date" he commented

"Yes. You're probably a favorite still from the last time" I told him.

"Don't worry, in a few months, you'll be ready to date again" he offered.

"I hope so." I told him.

We hung up and then, couldn't hold myself back any more- I decided to drive up to see him. As I pulled into his apartment complex, I called him and asked him if I could come up.  He sighed and said "I don't think it's a good idea." Silence. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm pulling into your parking lot." I answered. He sighed again "Alright, fine. Come on up."

As I walked in, he greeted me with a grin saying "Ren, Ren. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored" I said.

I stayed for a couple of hours until it got late and he said "I don't want to kick you out and it's not like you can stay here."

I never once kissed him on the lips, but he kissed on the cheeks and forehead as he tried to comfort me. There was a lot of hugging, making it more difficult to let go. At one point, he got an erection which I didn't realize until he told me. "Sorry. It's just, been a long time" he said. I tried to suggest to do it one last time until he told me "It's not a good idea. I don't want to fall back into the same habit we did the last time around. It will never be over."

"No. We wouldn't" I told him.

"It would just make it harder for you to move on. We shouldn't." he said.

I know.....

"And it's not that I don't want to. Trust me, the proof is right there" he added with a smile.

And then, I realized what a gentleman he had always been with me. From the first time, to the last time, sex had been important and a big deal. He didn't push the first time. He actually backed off because he didn't want to rush into it.

So we didn't. He didn't use me when I was at my weakest point and I respect him for respecting me and our breakup. A lot of other guys would have gone ahead with it and strung the other person along until they were bored, but I've had luck with guys and respect after a breakup. Once it's really over, there's nothing more- the way it should be. I miss him a lot, especially on the days we would meet to hang out. I miss hanging out casually with only plans to hang indoors. It hurts because I am weak and it is still fresh, but I have to accept the fact that it didn't work out and learn to move on. It's not me or him- it's a combination of both.

I saw Sebastian again earlier today as he drove into my area of town to shop at a specialty store. He came to pick up the last of his stuff at my apartment. He finally got his new car, but I didn't even listen to him as he was telling me about the purchase because I didn't really care. I tried to act as if it didn't phase me that he was sitting right on my bed, but my heart was hurting. I tried to keep a conversation but I was still partially angry and hurt. A short while later, he left and we hugged outside in the parking lot as I also left. He turned around one last time and said with a smile "Take care Ren." I waved and said " Bye Seb."

I need laughter. It's the only thing that keeps tears coming down. I want to be happy again.

Sunday, March 21, 2010

Looking to the bright side

This week has had its downs and ups.

My dad came to visit for the weekend before spring break, and I spent most of my time at my mom's. We went to the Houston Children's Museum where the only time I managed to enjoy myself was while building racing cars out of Legos. I noticed that occupying my time with something physical took my mind off of Sebastian.

I dedicated all of Wednesday to browse for jobs online (through HotJobs, Cummulus and Indeed that Sebastian had suggested.) The only thing making its way into my inbox was automated email from the job engines giving me "tips" and "help" on looking for more jobs. Then while on my lunch break on Thursday from my part time work, I received a call from a company I had apparently applied for. The caller caught me off guard completely and asked me if it was a bad time. Since I wasn't the one driving, I said that it wasn't, not realizing he was about to embark on a preliminary "interview" over the phone.

"I have to be honest" he began, "Your resume caught my eye and I have to say you are at the top of the list. We've gotten a lot of applications for this position- somewhere around 85. But I'm not going to call 85 people. I'm only calling 4." This reassured me.

When asked why I had applied for the job, I stumbled and told him it was due to my field of work. He was very sympathetic and told me "It's okay, I've caught you off guard. Don't worry. Next question." I was lucky enough to have understood that his name was "Ray" because he actually asked me for it at the end of the call. It took me more than a while however to understand where he was calling from exactly. He asked me if I knew what the organization did and I fumbled again and told him the truth "I haven't read on the company completely, but from the website, I understand you deal with adoption and foster care, as well as counseling services." Again, he sympathized and continued with the questioning.

He asked me about my salary expectations, why I had left my previous employer, strengths and weaknesses (which I couldn't come out with any- seriously, who admits that?) and future plans.He left me with his office and cell phone numbers which I interpreted to be a very good sign.

Later that night, I went to the Muse concert with one my colleagues. I had sold Sebastian's ticket when he told me to take a friend. My other colleague wasn't able to go, so I offered to sell his ticket as well on Craigslist. A buyer quickly accepted, and I met them at Ikea to sell both tickets. I managed to make a $130 profit which paid for my ticket originally, so I went for free. It was loud, but incredible.

The following day, I had plans to go to another interview at a doctor's office that one of my previous colleagues had talked me into. Turns out they were at a seminar that day, and no one was in the office. I left my contact information and went back to finish other errands, all the while thinking about Ray and the center. When I happen to check my phone, I notice 3 missed calls. I listen to the voicemail and it turns out to be Ray from the kids' center asking me if I am available for an interview some time next week.

Ecstatic, I call him back and catch him on the road. I await for a while and he asks me when I am free to come in. "I'm available on Monday morning. Say 10 o'clock?" I suggest. "Let me check my agenda. One moment. Yes, I have a meeting prior to that, and it may run a little bit past 10, but I am available" he answers. I realize now that I could have simply suggested 10:30 to give him a breather window. But I figure if it wasn't okay, he would have suggested later also.

As for the dating front, I've updated my profile on POF, but have it hidden still. Sebastian is also actively looking. I've promised myself I won't start dating again until my heart is healed and I have a job. I don't want to be the jobless date. It just shows I don't care about myself first and would rather spend my time dating than actively looking for a job. Of course, that's different if you're in college full time, but that's me too, and I want someone to know I'm a hard worker as well.

I've done research on the adoption center, and compiled a list of questions for the interviewer tomorrow. Wish me luck. I can sense something big is about to happen!

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

He had to break my heart

He had to break my heart for me to move on.

I wouldn't have moved on if we'd remained friends because that's what happened last time, and that's how we fell into an open relationship for a few months before committing once again.

It lasted one year exactly, and I noticed how much he changed during the seasons.

It was exciting at first, he wanted to be with me. We talked for 13 hours straight the day before we met. He even blurted the words "marry me!" on our first conversation and gave me the most shocking compliment anyone had ever given me when we first met: "You're beautiful" followed by a smile that made my heart skip a beat.

Then he slowly started breaking my heart with the accidental things he said about his exes and his wandering eyes.......... but against my better judgment, I continued with him.

He broke my heart real bad during the summer- 4 months in. He broke up with me out of the blue. It's true that about a month prior to the breakup, I'd begun feeling very unhappy. He wasn't making me happy because of the things he would say.

I cried hard for a while, but two days later, we saw each other again with the plans to give each other some things we'd left behind. I can't remember how we morphed back together, but it wasn't pleasant 100% of the time.

I remembered crying to him weeks later, still lost and confused as if to whether we would get back together again. I began dating again, but with a lump in my throat- as if I were cheating both sides. I wanted to move on, but I also wanted Sebastian. A couple of months went by, and I decided to commit to Sebastian full time, and we slowly evolved into a real couple without me realizing it. We traveled to Europe together and had a great time back at home also. We joked and laughed non-stop the days we spent together. I was happy, and I knew he was happy with me too.

He was a great partner, and we never fought about anything. We got along great. Every once in a while, I'd open up to him about certain aspects of our relationship, and he'd listen in on my opinions.

But then out of the blue, he ended it. He broke my heart again, and even though he said he wanted to remain friends, I knew deep down I would not be able to put him in my past and get over him if I continued on daily speaking terms. And I believe it's only fair. If you don't want to date me because you don't feel you're meant to be with me, then I don't want to talk to you every night or have sex with you to fulfill your needs.

He told me repeatedly he didn't believe in long term relationships. Not in general- but for himself. 5 years and that was it. I don't believe in marriage necessarily as the solution to "together forever" but I definitely do believe in long term relationships. And with Sebastian, I knew that wasn't possible.

I know he's confused about what he wants. He wants the companionship but in my opinion doesn't want the long term commitment. I sense he'd get bored and move on. He's solitary, and he's okay with that most of the time, but like all men, needs that physical aspect of a relationship. I don't know if he's noticed, but most of the time, you can't have one without the other. Well, technically you can, but my guess is it's unhealthy and sporadic. He's safe with his sex life and not promiscuous. I don't know how long that would last. I guess he'd be okay with year long relationships every year.

In the meantime, I'm taking a break from dating. My heart needs to grieve and heal, and I need to work on myself again before I jump back into the dating scene. I don't want to assert too much self confidence because I'm still fragile to rejection. Sebastian made me into a better person and was a great teacher; I learned so much from him. I can only hope I'm able to keep what I've learned and bring it into the next relationship as effortlessly as I did with him.

Monday, March 15, 2010

The Aftermath

I was scheduled to attend a passion party with my friend at another girlfriend's house. I was actually looking forward to it and having a good time. That was right before Sebastian broke up with me on the same day.

I still attended because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. And I truly thought that spending time with other girls would help keep my mind off of the breakup. I broke down twice, confiding in my friends about the breakup. I had to tell them what had happened because I realized it was the only way to come to terms and accept that it was in fact over. However, I was still very much hurt and the pain was still new that the more I talked about it, more tears rolled down my face.

The next day, Sebastian took the status off of Facebook and my friends came to comfort me when they saw the "single" status change. I was glad that they'd noticed and that I actually had people watching my back. I called my dad in California and told him what had happened and he tried his hardest to comfort me. "You're not the first, and you definitely won't be the last to suffer a breakup" he kindly told me.

I've heard this advice before. It helped before and it will definitely help me again. My mother on the other hand just made things worse. She asked me if it wasn't perhaps my fault again, that I shouldn't have pursued him last time, that I should have let him go, and that if I knew if maybe he didn't have another woman on the side.

I was so hurt that I walked out of the house. My own mother couldn't comfort me, and then I remembered that she hadn't been able to the last time either. When I look at how my parents brought us up, my father has always been the one to give my siblings and I the most affection- kisses, hugs, and enough embraces to annoy us. My mother has taken good care of us, but has been rather cold. I don't remember the last time she actually held me or my sisters. It's always yelling on her part.

Recently, I haven't wanted to think about Sebastian, because the moment I do, I get teary eyed. I'm not ready to date again, but I am in the process of acceptance and moving on. I haven't talked to him, and I know I'm not ready to either. I hate to think about how much time must pass before I'm able to comfortably hold a conversation, because I can sense it could be at least a year. Yesterday, I sent him a text message asking what he wanted to do about the Muse concert ticket he'd bought to go to this week. He told me "Take a friend and have fun :)." I intend to go with my colleague who also bought a ticket months ago.

And as for his clothes, I didn't return it to him this past weekend on my way up to the airport. I didn't want to make the effort.

Friday, March 12, 2010

It's Over

I've been neglecting my blog and with good reason.

I've been avoiding having to write this post for almost one week now, but I think I'm feeling ok enough to update what happened.

Sebastian and I are no longer together, and I know a majority of you saw it coming, or didn't see us as a long term couple. Truth is, I didn't see either. I just kept hoping things would change, as all hopeless romantics do.

Mid-last week, I whispered "I love you" at night while I thought he was asleep. I said it twice to confirm, though I can fully admit that I wasn't really feeling it at that exact moment I said. I think the emotions took control of me and because I was happy, I said those three little words. Truth is, I wanted to say it some time earlier, but didn't have the strength to.

On Saturday, we were supposed to meet up at my apartment so we could go get a shirt exchanged that I had given him for Valentine's Day. He had brought back the things I had asked him for from his place, except it didn't occur to me at the time it was more than what I thought I'd left behind. I joked around and said "Wow, I didn't know I'd left so much stuff" as he just smiled. About 5 minutes later, he sat down on my bed and I quickly joined him and said "Ooh! Story time!"

He paused for a moment and calmly began.

"I've sort of been lying to you about not telling you I was awake when I heard you say what you said to me the other night" he said

My face froze.

"And I don't think I'm ever going to get to that point with you." he added.

"Oh, great" I said sarcastically. "It's happening all over again."

I was mad.

He continued talking and said that although I was a good person, he didn't see us together for the long run.

"This time, I can't say I did anything wrong, because I know I was a good person" I told him.

"I know. You're a great person. But we both know that we're each holding back." he said.

I knew this.

"You can't even recognize when someone good to you is standing right in front of you. I was a good girlfriend Sebastian. How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me?" I asked.

This was my reason for not begging to have him take me back.

I've never begged with Sebastian. We never fought or had breaks. We broke up once last summer, for basically the same reason.

"I can't have children with someone I'm not in love with. It's not fair to them" he said.

I know. I wouldn't either.

"And truth is, I'm scared that I may never have that family that I want. Look at my dad, he's a hermit, and I'm scared that I may end up like him because the problem is with me. I can't seem to make a relationship work" he added.

So at that, I continued crying and slowly felt myself sinking into my bed. I began collecting his clothes that had been left at my apartment and told him "If you happen to find things of mine at your apartment, just get rid of them. I don't want them"

"You don't want me to just drop them off on your door?" he asked.

"No. I don't care for it. Just throw it away. If I find anything else of yours here, I'll do the same" I answered.

"I'm probably not the best person to comfort you right now. You should talk with your friends" he said.

"They will just put you down" I answered.

"That's maybe what you need right now. It's okay with me" he said. "I would offer to continue being friends-" he added.

"But I don't want that right now. Maybe in time..... a long time from now, it can happen, but I don't want to talk as friends" I told him.

And it's true. We tried the friends bit after we broke up the last time- that's how we fell into an open relationship. And that's how I passed up chances with other guys because I was in limbo with Sebastian at the time.

"Don't stay single for too long. Take your time, get over me. Don't worry, you will forget me in a year. Thank you for taking me around the world" he said as he closed the door behind him.

He left quietly that day, and I haven't heard from him since. I've been down in the dumps this past week, and when I think about him and us, my eyes fill with tears- like right now for instance.

I spent the entire week at my mom's because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. When I went back to get more clothes, I sifted through the plastic bag that he had brought back containing my clothes. At the very bottom was his pair of jeans- very noticeable from the tag. "Why is he doing this to me??" I asked out loud. Then I remembered- he did the same thing last time as well. He put one of his shirts in with my clothes, and when we met up to give it back to him, our friendship began.

I can only sense that it was done for the same reason again, except I haven't called him to tell him it's in there. I have to drive by his apartment tomorrow to pick my dad up at the airport, and I want to stop by his place and leave the bag on his doorknob without calling or knocking on the door.

I work much better when I'm in a couple. That's how I was programmed. It's difficult to have to let go of someone and move on to be able to move onto the next person. I want to keep my head up and I'm trying very very hard to keep calm and strong.

He is a great guy, but if it's not meant to be, then I definitely deserve someone else.

Monday, March 1, 2010

Ren as a housewife?

"Do you see yourself as a housewife?" asked Sebastian.

My eyes widened at the thought.

"Um....  maybe" I answered. "It depends really."

"I'm still very traditionalist when it comes to raising kids. I believe it's best for the mother to stay at home for the first three years" he said.

I think I would go insane. I don't mind the cleaning, but when you throw a crying baby in there, I tend to freak out. I know I would not be able to handle it well. I don't handle it well now with my young sisters.

"I totally agree with what you're saying; I would prefer for the mother to stay at home, just like my mother did for me. But it's also not good because it leads to dependence. Look at me- Dependent until 25 years old!" I added

"Well, that's why I meant only the first three years- when the kid won't remember much. You think you'd get frustrated?" he continued.

"Yeah, I think so. I'd have to do something else, a part time job. Something" I answered.

"Yeah, you'd have to get like a hobby or something" said Sebastian

"But I also think there'd be other factors involved, such as the cost of daycare. If the mother could work and make more money than the daycare, than it'd be a good idea. But if she made less money, than it'd be obvious she'd have to stay at home and take care of the child" I said.

"Oh yes, I see what you mean"  he added.

I couldn't help but wonder why he had, out of the blue, asked the question about kids. It's not as if we're planning on getting married- We haven't even said the "L" word to each other. He seems to be completely opposed to the idea of marriage after his divorce. Furthermore, I feel completely useless without a job right now. What kind of team would that make?

I know what he wants. He wants a family, kids, the total, package. And I don't. I've never really thought about doing it. It's as if I don't see myself as a fit mother- I see myself as a fit companion, as if that would be my best job. I don't "crave the need" to have kids. Could my mind change? I really don't know.

My heart skips a beat when I see a toddler quietly walking next to his mother. But when I hear the scream, I cringe and worry. I admit that I didn't participate much in my sisters's upbringings, and that was because I was not warm or affectionate towards them. I sort of regret it, because it was a great thing to be able to pick them up when they were running around. But they were also very hard to deal with, and I wasn't particularly interested in kids. I hardly participate with them now..... it feels like a drag, and they're 10 and have voices. I get along better with one of them, but I'm strict and very stern with both of them. The answer is mostly always "no" whenever they ask for something. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I was more warm with them.  I wish I was one of those women who LOVED to have kids and could work with them at schools, etc. I envy that. It's almost as if I wasn't programmed to love anyone but a partner. Will it change when I have a kid of my own? Can I love someone more than my partner? It makes me sad, because it's not fair.

Recently, I've noticed Sebastian has been a bit more open with his.... actions, flirting and little quirks that would normally embarrass a person. I'm talking about little giggles and sounds that would make anyone raise an eyebrow; So when he told me "I'm glad I can act this way around you. I couldn't do that around my ex-wife. She'd give me a weird look," my heart smiled.

"I'm glad you can act yourself around me. I wouldn't want you to hold back" I told him.