Monday, March 1, 2010

Ren as a housewife?

"Do you see yourself as a housewife?" asked Sebastian.

My eyes widened at the thought.

"Um....  maybe" I answered. "It depends really."

"I'm still very traditionalist when it comes to raising kids. I believe it's best for the mother to stay at home for the first three years" he said.

I think I would go insane. I don't mind the cleaning, but when you throw a crying baby in there, I tend to freak out. I know I would not be able to handle it well. I don't handle it well now with my young sisters.


"I totally agree with what you're saying; I would prefer for the mother to stay at home, just like my mother did for me. But it's also not good because it leads to dependence. Look at me- Dependent until 25 years old!" I added

"Well, that's why I meant only the first three years- when the kid won't remember much. You think you'd get frustrated?" he continued.

"Yeah, I think so. I'd have to do something else, a part time job. Something" I answered.

"Yeah, you'd have to get like a hobby or something" said Sebastian

"But I also think there'd be other factors involved, such as the cost of daycare. If the mother could work and make more money than the daycare, than it'd be a good idea. But if she made less money, than it'd be obvious she'd have to stay at home and take care of the child" I said.

"Oh yes, I see what you mean"  he added.

I couldn't help but wonder why he had, out of the blue, asked the question about kids. It's not as if we're planning on getting married- We haven't even said the "L" word to each other. He seems to be completely opposed to the idea of marriage after his divorce. Furthermore, I feel completely useless without a job right now. What kind of team would that make?

I know what he wants. He wants a family, kids, the total, package. And I don't. I've never really thought about doing it. It's as if I don't see myself as a fit mother- I see myself as a fit companion, as if that would be my best job. I don't "crave the need" to have kids. Could my mind change? I really don't know.

My heart skips a beat when I see a toddler quietly walking next to his mother. But when I hear the scream, I cringe and worry. I admit that I didn't participate much in my sisters's upbringings, and that was because I was not warm or affectionate towards them. I sort of regret it, because it was a great thing to be able to pick them up when they were running around. But they were also very hard to deal with, and I wasn't particularly interested in kids. I hardly participate with them now..... it feels like a drag, and they're 10 and have voices. I get along better with one of them, but I'm strict and very stern with both of them. The answer is mostly always "no" whenever they ask for something. I don't know where it comes from, and I wish I was more warm with them.  I wish I was one of those women who LOVED to have kids and could work with them at schools, etc. I envy that. It's almost as if I wasn't programmed to love anyone but a partner. Will it change when I have a kid of my own? Can I love someone more than my partner? It makes me sad, because it's not fair.

Recently, I've noticed Sebastian has been a bit more open with his.... actions, flirting and little quirks that would normally embarrass a person. I'm talking about little giggles and sounds that would make anyone raise an eyebrow; So when he told me "I'm glad I can act this way around you. I couldn't do that around my ex-wife. She'd give me a weird look," my heart smiled.

"I'm glad you can act yourself around me. I wouldn't want you to hold back" I told him.

2 comments:

  1. I'm sure it's possible for you to warm up to children, you're just not ready for that yet.

    ReplyDelete