Monday, October 15, 2012

Fooled me again

The IT Pilot appeared on my radar again. It’s as if this asshole had some kind of homing beacon on me; he kept coming back every few months, even when we’d both made it clear that it was DONE FOR GOOD. 

All of this oftentimes confused me more, scrambled my feelings, but I knew it wouldn’t happen between us again. He had already played me dumb three times- and what had President Bush said after the first time? "Fool me — [pauses] — You can't get fooled again." Maybe he was onto something there.

The IT Pilot and I had gone to play Bingo one night, because that's all we ever really had in common nowadays. However, this time, it was much more different. He admitted to seeing someone, and he felt it was okay to hang out with me (an ex) since she, too, hung out with her exes. So as I sat there at bingo, I realized we probably wouldn't be having sex that night (as had become the norm throughout time).

Fast forward another month or so, and in May, after too many beers at Bingo (once again) the IT Pilot texted me out of the blue to show me what he was up to. After bingo was done, I asked if I could stop by to meet his new pup (actually, it was a dog he'd shared with an ex a few years back, and had retrieved it once again) and he agreed. I played with his English bulldog for a while (I adore animals) and I came in and we began talking a bit more. I didn't want to hear of his new love interest, but I knew she wasn't putting out. And he admitted that he'd be pulling the plug soon. (He'd also confirmed this through texts.) 

We sat down on his couch and talked more, and all again, the story of "US" came out, and why it hadn't worked out, and why it wouldn't work out, and why it would never happen. However, this didn't stop him from putting the moves on me and undressing me and taking me to his bedroom. We had great sex once again, and a few hours later I left. I didn't hear from him at all that weekend, but it was to be expected, but on Monday, I received a long text from him. 

It mentioned that I needed to realize that what had happened that last night was a mistake and that it hadn't worked out between us, and would never work out between us. He wished me all the best, and that he'd never forget me, but it was time to move on. I responded angrily saying that it was his decision to end it. Later that night, I noticed he'd completely removed me from Facebook. Then a few days later, as I updated my contacts, I saw a new profile photo of him..... and her....

So THAT'S why he deleted me. He wanted to spare me from getting hurt?
I was bruised, upset, furious, jealous, enraged- all the feelings a woman scorned can experience. 

I had been his toy for a year (to the date) and now he was finally getting rid of me to pursue something with someone else. I felt used, and my ego was bruised. I felt stupid for having pursued someone for so long, who obviously didn't want to be with me.

What had I done to deserve such poor treatment? I could understand being used to fulfill a sexual desire when it's agreed by both persons, but to be strung along as well for a year? I vehemently hated this asshole. 

But each story has a happy ending. Too bad it was his, and not mine.

Friday, October 12, 2012

Mr. Endowed and his not-so-humble brother

I need to take a detour to two other gentlemen I met and dated between February and May before we get to the really good stuff.

Mr. Endowed, and his brother “I had to pretend to gag”.

Mr. Endowed:
I dated this hot looking blond for roughly a month, and all we did was have sex. He never bothered to take me out on dates (why would he buy the cow if he was already getting the milk for free anyway?) He was incredibly well-endowed, but opposite of Larry, was much more considerate and gentle when it came to sex. However, after a few weeks on non-stop sex, it occurred to me that he would only come see me to have sex. We never really talked or shared anything about each other, and at one point told me that because he liked me a lot, needed to let me know where his beliefs for God stood. He was fairly religious and wanted his partner to follow in the same path. Unfortunately for him, I’m agnostic, and don’t follow any denomination or religion. Because of this, we probably wouldn’t work out. We ended up splitting ways soon after, but kept loose contact (and became FWB for a short while during the summer).

“I had to pretend to gag”:
This was a great guy that I met online as well and had a wonderful time with. He was a new teacher, and to this day, remains as one of the best/most fun date I’ve ever had. We went to dinner at this quiet Thai restaurant near my apartment and had a great conversation, and afterwards went to a country nightclub (Wild West) where he taught me to line dance. It was so much fun! Over the next few days, we’d message each other and made plans to meet a couple more times.

One night, I managed to make my way over to his apartment and spend the night after we’d watched a movie. He never made advancements toward me sexually, but as soon as I removed my bra and lay down beside him, he expressed an incredible fascination towards them. Mr. Teacher became the greatest foreplayer in history. He would play and pay attention to my breasts for hours, all of which was incredibly arousing. However, he said he didn’t want to have sex because he’d mentioned he’d had bad luck with condoms coming off before and didn’t want a baby/plan B scare/and was religious.

I reached into his pants and immediately understood why.

His penis was no longer or bigger than my middle finger. That’s 3”. Erect. Oh. My. God. Whyyy?? This guy was great, outgoing, such a gentleman, and incredibly sweet. But he wasn’t packing anything more than a roll of quarters in his pants. I was bummed out, but was actually ready to forego such a small penis only because I liked him so much. 

Then came the heavy petting. Which unfortunately didn’t last more than 47 seconds. Not only did he have small jewels, but P.E. (premature ejaculation). He’d bragged about coming over and over, and to be completely honest, there wasn’t much work on my end to be done. As soon as I’d touch him, he’d come. I’d give him a few strokes and poof! Done. I had to pretend to gag because his penis never even touched the back of my throat. One morning, I was able to make him come four times in fifteen minutes! And I only stopped because I had to go back home, or else he could have kept coming. While it was exciting to see him come so easily, I couldn’t help but imagine what sex would be like. And no wonder the condoms always came off. They were too big for him! He was completely oblivious to the fact that he had a small penis. He swore he had huge balls.

No honey, you’re far from having huge balls. I’ve seen big balls. They’re like apricots. You’ve got half a walnut in there. For both balls.  

We stopped dating when I admitted that I had HSV-1, or oral herpes. Unfamiliar with the virus, he immediately stopped kissing me on my lips and became overly paranoid. I couldn’t help it. He was ignorant, and I couldn’t do much to help him see it was okay. 

I quickly moved away from both men, not before falling into an old familiar habit. 


Thursday, October 11, 2012

Karma, what a bitch

A couple of weekends in a row, I had had two disturbing dreams about the IT Pilot. In my dreams, he had been a jerk about our relationship and had strung me along to get what he wanted while he was seeing someone else.

It's unbelievable, but even in my dreams I get emotionally attacked. I felt the dreams had hit too close to home and it was better to stop thinking about the IT Pilot completely and void myself of any type of sentiments for him.

Larry was still in the picture, and I was slowly coming to accept him into my life, even though he'd recently become busier all of a sudden.

I didn't put much thought into it, believing what he'd tell me about being too busy at work, and having to go home after work because of problems with his car, family or work. I'm not one to question everything a guy does, even if it may look suspicious to others because if there is no trust, the relationship won't work.

Larry happened to get President's day off, and I suggested I take the day off too to spend time together since we hadn't seen each other regularly now that I was spending the weekends at my mom's baby-sitting my younger sisters.

I had had a gut feeling ever since Valentine's day (which completely blew and wasn't celebrated) and I wanted to check his phone for some proof- any proof- that maybe I wasn't the only one. When he went to take a shower the following day, I went through his phone as quickly as I could and my worst realization came to life.

He was flirting with another girl. And it appeared to be someone new. I read as fast as I could and came to find out that the girl was new, they were sharing basic information about each other- the kind that you normally do when you meet someone online- your background, last names etc.

As soon as he got dressed, I simply asked him "Would you be open to having an open relationship?"

"What? No! Why do you ask me that?" he asked.

"Because I know you've been talking to another girl, and from the looks of it, it's too friendly for my taste" I admitted.

He tried to make me believe that the girl was "just a friend" (Sure, as if we haven't all heard that excuse before), that they knew each other for two years, and he didn't like her. She had been a possibility before I came along, but he wanted to be with me, and would stop talking to her if I wanted it.

I took it one step further. Without him knowing, I had jotted down her number and sent her a text message asking if she knew who Larry was.

I wanted him to tell her who I was, and that we would do it together. I also told him if they were just friends, that he should read the text messages with me so as to explain everything while he had the chance.

He said no to both, and with this, I told him to leave. He was furious and acted like a teenager (which was to be expected) while he packed his things and threw the Valentine's day card I had handed him the night before.

Well that was mature. 

The chick ended up texting me back a couple of hours later and told me the truth- that he’d been pursuing her relentlessly, for months, but that she didn’t want to date someone with a kid or who was a smoker. She’d also not been completely done with her ex-boyfriend, and wasn’t interested in Larry. The days following, we exchanged texts about the lies that Larry had told each of us, and comparing notes. I wasn’t mad about the breakup- but I was bitter about Larry making me out to be a “psycho” for going through his phone, and making me sound like a terrible person. 

If I was so horrible to him, why didn’t he just leave me then? 

Truth is, he didn't want to. He wanted to stay with me. But wanted to cheat around as well.

Thursday, April 5, 2012

One last tryst

Things with Larry, the kid, weren't working out at all. Though I had managed to be introduced to his family during the holidays, I knew he wasn't the one.

Girls have that feeling by instinct. To me, if it's not going to happen, I immediately stop trying. However, if I do sense someone could be "the one", I can't get the idea out of my head- which was exactly what the IT Pilot was for me.

I had been texting on a daily basis with my friend out in NYC, telling her of my tryst and feelings about the IT Pilot. "He's not right for you" she'd said. "I know, and it gets on my nerves that he could never figure out what he wanted. I gave him his freedom, let him do what he wanted, but it wasn't enough. Thing is, the IT Pilot was it for me" I told her. "What do you mean?" she asked.

"Well, he's the guy who I saw possibly marrying. He's husband and father material, Larry isn't. We don't get along, and he's too immature for me, it's aggravating" I told her.

"You saw the IT Pilot as husband material?'

"Yes, I do. I know he'd be a great father" I told her.

But the IT Pilot and I never talked about our last encounter; instead, we'd played the quiet game, pretending nothing had happened. A few weeks into the new year, I asked him how things with the new house were going. He had finally moved in and settled, and was very happy. He suggested I come by for a visit sometime to check out the new house.

We began flirting, teasingly jabbing at each other. He asked me if I was still seeing Larry, but I dodged it as best I could to stay away from the subject. I finally got the guts to say what had been on my mind for quite some time. We'd always agreed that sex between us was great, but to me, it had been the greatest I'd ever had.

Ren: I have a question
IT: k?
Ren: Was the sex really that good, or was that my imagination?
IT: The sex was really really good... the best actually.

At least I have some affirmation there.

Ren: Which position did you prefer? You on top or me on top?
IT: Both, but you on top.. I like how you move up and down. I feel more. But I like being on top and making you come. I love to make you scream.
Ren: Both position surprisingly for me.
IT: Really... I thought you liked me on top. I didn't think you liked to be on top.
Ren: I liked making you come when I was on top (but I can't remember if I did)- but I could only orgasm with you pounding.
IT: I think maybe once.... you wanna practice :-p Oh I love it when you come. Wow...

I could feel the hair at the back of my neck standing up.

Just like the month before, we had made plans to meet again, this time for me to visit his new home after we finished playing bingo on Thursday night. I showed up there earlier and we took our seats and made small talk. Soon enough, the beer made its way into our bodies and we started flirting endlessly. I tried my hardest not to make certain advances and didn't touch him inappropriately as I'd done countless times before during bingo. However, at one point during the night, the beer had made me increasingly chipper and I leaned in to kiss him on the cheek. He responded shortly after by putting his arm around me and leaning me into him as he kissed me on my head... to which I heard him breathing in deeply.

By the end of the night, we made our way back to his new home, about 5 blocks away from the bingo hall. He guided me in and gave me the grand tour. It was a beautiful 3 story town-home. The first level had the master bedroom and bath, the second level had the kitchen, living room, and approximately 30 feet ceilings, and the third floor had two extra bedrooms and bathroom. It was eerily quiet and simply organized. The IT Pilot was a minimalist, and didn't have much decor to add to his environment.

We came back downstairs to his bedroom and I gave him his housewarming gift- a bottle of Chilean Cabernet Sauvignon, one of his preferred wines.

"Cabernet? Wow, that's great. Thank you" he said.
"I know, I remembered you liked it" I added.

He pulled me into him and hugged me tightly, to which I became overwhelmed with confusion, urges, and feelings.

"What are you doing? What are WE doing? You need to let me go, let me move on" I told him.
"YOU let me go" he said in a drunken state.
"I did! You gave me my closure last month; You told me it wouldn't happen, and to let you go, so I did! Then you start talking to me again, and here we are" I said to him. "You need to quit me."
"I can't" he said, as he burrowed his head into my chest.
"Quit me" I said once more.
"I can't!" he said again.

We laid back into bed, getting ready to fall asleep when we got on the topic once more of why things had ended. We talked. A lot. It was definitely a lot easier with a lot of beer beforehand. Neither one of us really held back or had a filter. I really had nothing to lose.

I pushed for it telling him to quit me, to let me go, and he kept saying he couldn't- that he ended up missing me and would text me because he cared. Hell, I thought about him too, but I didn't text because I was pretty much convinced that I'd reached my closure. I don't think it's a good idea to date him right now. I mean, yes, I liked him. A LOT. But each time we broke up, a bigger piece of my heart died out.

"I felt like you were hiding something from me. I was walking on eggshells around you" he said.

As soon as I heard him say this, I let out a shocked gasp. Just days before, I had been texting my friend and telling her of my feelings for the IT Pilot.

"I think we didn't last because my guard was completely up. I always went with the reasoning that we were both too proud, both had our walls up, and neither one of us was able to communicate efficiently. That's why we didn't work out. I felt like I was walking on eggshells because I felt he would leave me" I had said to her.

"Eggshells? Really? You know what's funny, is that's exactly what I told Shann on how I felt about you" I told him.

I couldn't believe it. Somewhere in that mind of his, we had shared the same feelings for one another, but never attempted to share it out loud. We were too afraid to come clean, and admit that we cared for the other.

At the end of the night, it wouldn't work. Our time wasn't now, and it wouldn't be any time soon. We laid in bed and held each other. We had one last tryst, and the next morning, he walked me to my car and kissed me goodbye as I left for work.

The next day, I left to NYC to visit my friend Shann for a few days, and the IT Pilot and I managed to get a few texts in here and there, him mainly checking up on me to see that I'd made it there okay.

Even though I cared immensely for him, I had to let him go. Even though things with Larry weren't working to my expectations, I realized the reason being was that I wasn't giving him my full attention, seeing as to how my mind was drifting off to someone else. It was time to move on. Larry had persisted to great lengths to be with me, and I felt I owed him the chance to try to see if something could work between us. So I did.

But it backfired.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

I can't feel a thing

As soon as the IT Pilot and I began to have sex, something felt different. I would have thought maybe all the alcohol we'd had earlier in the night played a big factor, but after careful thought, I realized that no, it wasn't that.

I could hardly feel him in me.


Larry who was much larger than the IT Pilot had quite possibly stretched me out, and the feel of the IT Pilot's penis in me was quite different now.

I was pissed.

This is karma, somehow, I thought.

It took a long time for me to reach orgasm with him; Larry had officially ruined sex for me and the IT Pilot. Sex between us had been the best thing I'd ever experienced, and the size had never been a problem (I'd actually enjoyed it because I didn't experience too much pain), but sex was now entirely disappointing.

Wait.... If I can hardly feel him... does that mean that [gasp] I feel looser to him too?

I didn't dare say anything to embarrass him or myself from our sexual tryst, but I was saddened by the situation.

We both came to orgasm together, and soon after fell asleep. The next morning, we laid in bed together, as I stared up at the ceiling rethinking the events of the previous night. The IT Pilot couldn't keep his hands off of me, and it was beginning to smother me. He held me the entire morning, caressing me, running his fingers through my hair and kissing me. A while later, he decided to go with a repeat performance, something that shocked me, considering we'd never had morning sex (it's not my thing) after evening sex.

I was hoping the alcohol had worn off and that things would feel different the second time around- except they didn't. I could hardly feel him in me once again.

I was embarrassed for the both of us.

We went out to Pei Wei soon after for lunch, and had that awkward silence during our meal. Even though we'd had a good sexual chemistry before and got along great, things were very different now that we weren't together. The only thing I really talk about when I'm with friends is guys and work- and with him, I could only discuss one topic.... and that was rather short.

Around 6:00 p.m. I decided it was time for me to retreat on home. Since I didn't have extra clothes with me, and had been wearing a miniskirt and pantyhose from the night before, I had to borrow a pair of sweats and a t-shirt from his closet. This meant I'd have to see him again to return his clothes sometime in the future.

I wonder what's going to happen then.... I thought.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

Drinks with the IT Pilot

The IT Pilot and I had been incommunicado ever since our last phone call before Halloween which had resulted in our breakup. Around Thanksgiving, I sent him a friendly text message wishing him a Happy Turkey Day, knowing he'd be couped up with his family in Alabama. He responded, and we exchanged a few friendly words, but nothing more.

The next month, in mid-December, we communicated again and flirted the entire night through texts. It was a side of him I'd never seen, a side which had left my interest piqued. I didn't mention anything about dating Larry, and he told me I was still the last person he'd been with, and hadn't found anyone to date even though he was still on OkCupid. I had expressed confusion about how our relationship had ended, and had asked him to tell me point-blank that it was over so that I could move on. He asked me to tell him why I needed him to say it, and I answered "Because if I don't hear it from you, then I'll never know it's over."

"Yeah, let's move on. I've sort of been stuck in the mud too. It won't work" he replied.

However, we agreed to meet for drinks on Friday night after my department's Holiday Dinner to "talk", something which confused me even more.

I was dressed to the nines from my work dinner, and promptly drove over to his apartment to meet afterward. He drove us out to a bar in the university village area nearby, and for the first time ever, we had drinks and listened to a live band play.

"See, this is fun. Why couldn't we ever do this when we were together?" I asked.
"Yeah, you're right. I don't know" he answered.

We had always been confined to his apartment while we dated, and this was partly the reason why I felt so unhappy. I wanted to go out and experience new things with him, but he was so adamant about leaving the house, that we never went out more than a handful of times for the five months we dated... on and off...

As we drank and listened to the band play, he told me he had finally settled on a house, and it was currently in escrow. If everything went well, he'd be closing in a few days before Christmas and moving in soon after. When he told me where it was located, my heart skipped a beat- "It's really close to your work, you would have a short commute" he said. It was 3 miles down. I almost cried.

He asked me if I was seeing anyone, to which I replied "Sort of, but it's not really working out"

"Why not?" he asked.
"Because he's younger and very immature. He has a son, is a smoker and isn't good in bed. But he's incredibly beautiful. Tall, blond hair, green eyes. " I mentioned.
"What does he do?" he continued.
"He works for National Oilwell Varco and is a commissioner for the oil rigs" I added.
"NOV? They're one of our clients" he added.

As soon as I heard this, I shut up. I didn't want to give more info about Larry in case they did business together; that would have been awkward.

"But I really don't want to talk about him, and I don't want to hear about your girls either" I pressed.
"Why not?" he asked.
"Because I'll be jealous" I said.
"You don't think I'm jealous of this guy?" he asked.
"No" I said.
"Well I am. Why do you think I keep asking about him?" he added.

And with that, we continued drinking our beers, flirting endlessly, until suddenly, he pulled me in and kissed me. His aroma came over me like a wave; I was intoxicated with his scent. I could smell his skin pressed against my face, his tongue in my mouth, as I ran my fingers through his hair. I was completely and immediately absorbed in the moment, locked in a passionate kiss with my ex. I knew I should pull back, but I couldn't bring myself to.

Soon after, we went back to his place and immediately rushed into bed together. I was excited for what was about to come next since the IT Pilot had been the best sex I'd ever had. He could make me orgasm on command.

Except it didn't quite work out that way.....

Friday, March 30, 2012

The new kid on the block

Larry was 23, had a 6-year son, and was a smoker. All red flags, but was so wise with his words that I was smitten. His profile picture made him look shy/cute, and I needed to meet someone with the hopes of getting over the IT Pilot.

We met for bingo on a Thursday night, and at almost 6'3", his long blond hair and green eyes instantly caught my attention. Picture the middle brother of the Hanson band. Exact replica.

We had a fun time at bingo, shared two pitchers of beers and cheap food, and by 10:00 p.m., decided to head over to the next bar/pub creek down the street.

Bad idea.

By then, I was drunk and not in the greatest state of mind. I had been texting my friend in NYC when I caught myself thinking about the IT Pilot.

Ren: I miss the IT Pilot
Shann: Whyyy??
Because Bingo was our hang out spot. And I've been drinking and am emotional right now.
Shann: Bingo was OUR thing. Forget about the IT Pilot. He's bad for you.

As soon as I realized what I was texting, I slowly felt my nose tingling and my eyes welling up. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I excused myself, and walked quickly to the restroom to contain the waterworks.

When I came back about ten minutes later, Larry asked me if everything was ok. I lied and said I was, all while the IT Pilot kept riding my mind. I can't believe it- he's actually ruining this good date for me. Why can't I get over him? I thought.

Larry was a great conversationalist and tried his hardest to make me laugh even though he could tell something was wrong with me. A couple of hours later, Larry said "I don't think I'll be able to make it home tonight. I'm pretty drunk. Is it okay if I come home with you?"

Not feeling the best out of this date, and assuming it wouldn't go anywhere between us- and drunk as well- I agreed to let him stay at my place, where he could sleep on the couch.

Once we arrived at home, I felt the need to take a shower to get rid of the stickiness that is Houston humidity. While at the bar, I had been constantly texting my friends about the date as it unfolded, and had left my phone on my dresser. When I came back from my shower, Larry was in the dark in the living room getting ready to go to sleep. He was incredibly quiet and as I said good night, I checked my phone and noticed I had new texts that had already been opened.

He went through my phone! WELL F*CK.

I confronted Larry about it, and he admitted to going through my phone, saying he didn't appreciate me talking shit about someone I'd just met to people. I honestly can't recall what he read, but if memory serves me right, it could have been one of two things: 1) I had mentioned to one friend that he didn't want to take an STD test because it was a waste of money and knew he was clean and 2) I had told my other friend how much I still missed the IT Pilot.

Frankly, I didn't know which one was worse.

But I was drunk, and I didn't care about it or him to be honest, and wasn't going to lose sleep over it. So I did what any smart girl would do in a tense situation like this- I had sex with him to shut him up.

Surprisingly, this kid was packing more ammo than I'd ever need in my life. It was the biggest penis I'd ever seen. No contest. I felt slightly scared by the pain I may experience during and a couple of days following the act.

We tried, and he managed to get off rather quickly, leaving me tired, but unfulfilled. With that much ammo, he surely doesn't know how to handle the gun. Well this sucked!

We both fell asleep shortly after, and split ways the following morning to go to work.

Larry didn't pull the disappearing act, and he continued texting me continuously throughout the day, and for the days following. He came over every other day to see me, and told me he'd told his co-workers that he'd met a woman, and that she was his girlfriend.

I suddenly felt myself being suffocated.

Girlfriend? We JUST met.

Question: Why is it that women crave the attention from a guy they like, but when they receive it in abundance almost immediately without much effort, it scares them?

Answer: Because there was no chase, and it happened too quickly.

I felt smothered by Larry. I would have been over the moon had the IT Pilot expressed a fraction of Larry's eagerness towards me, but in Larry's case, it was just too much, too soon. Just like his penis and orgasms.

Larry couldn't make me orgasm- he was lazy in bed and would make me do most of the work. He would pump a few times, but quickly run out of breath; he had no stamina and couldn't keep up. Although he was lean, and had a beautiful body, he had no energy. He didn't work out and would be outdone with 30 seconds of cardio.

The more I became dissatisfied with sex between Larry and I, the more I began to feel that the relationship wouldn't last. Not only was the sex mediocre, but we constantly argued. He loved to pick fights with me, acted so immature it was frustrating. I told him repeatedly that I needed someone on the same level, and that he was too hyper and had too much energy for me. I couldn't handle him- it was like literally dealing with a 17 year old. He made jokes about everything, I couldn't hold a serious conversation with him, and the only time I actually saw myself getting along was when he was completely calm due to a hangover or being sick.

I was at my wits' ends, and tried to end things numerous times. I pushed him away on a weekly basis, but he was so persistent, that he always came back and said he wanted to make it work because he cared.

And that's when the IT Pilot popped up back into the picture.

F*ck. Again?!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Walking away

I wish I could be strong to just chuck everything out and not have to think twice about it. I really wish he would have left me alone the last time, and that he never would have asked me to try again because I honestly felt better again and the breakup had been easier to deal with. But I ended up falling for the things he told me and I so wanted someone to like me and I didn't want to leave familiar ground.

It was another big mistake and I felt myself starting to regret it now because I was having a hard time standing up for what I truly felt.

Halloween weekend came.... and the IT Pilot pulled the silent card again. We usually spent the weekends together, and I would go to his apartment after work on Fridays and stay through unti Monday, except this time, neither one of made an effort. I stayed quiet and never heard from him. Rocky Horror came and went, and on Sunday afternoon, after three days of no contact, I finally called him to ask what was going on. He acted cold, and mentioned nothing of our silent treatment for one another. When I asked if he wanted company for the day, he mentioned that he would be busy playing video games, but that I could come over to play as well.

"On what computer?" I asked, knowing full well he didn't have another one available to play together.

"I don't know" he answered.

"Then why ask me to come over?" I questioned.

"Oook, well I'm gonna go-" he said

At the sound of this, I hung up without even saying good bye.

I knew it was over. I immediately went to Facebook and deleted him from my friends. Per our previous discussion, he knew that if we broke up one more time, I would delete him from my phone and my Facebook, and would not attempt to contact him again. True to my words, I erased everything.

I can't remember how I handled the breakup, but experience tells me that I took it hard. I probably cried, called my friend to fill her in, and slept it off for a day.

The one man that I wanted didn't want to make it work. He had commitment issues, and was afraid of having a serious relationship with me. It was a bust.

The IT Pilot and I didn't speak again, and this time, he didn't come back either. Two weeks later, I went on a date with someone else, but the entire time, the IT Pilot was on my mind, and I was unable to give my full attention to the new person. Enter: Larry.

Monday, March 26, 2012

Where is the love?

I felt things were possibly advancing positively with the IT Pilot, but before I could get too comfortable, the inevitable fear came upon me once again. Three weeks in, and I could sense the end was near.

I stopped by his apartment one evening after work because I was in his area shopping. I told him I had a screening pass to a movie and asked him if he wanted to go see it and he flat out told me "I don't think so."

It rubbed me the wrong way. I could understand that he may not want to see that particular movie, but it felt awfully rude. I thought he was joking so I asked him if he was serious and he said "Yeah"

While we were getting ready to eat dinner, he asked me what we should watch and I said "How about Modern family?" and he said "No I'm not going to watch that. How about Wilfred?"


It made me incredibly quiet and unhappy. Why ask me if you're going to decide for me? I should have just walked out. It didn't even feel like a compromise and I was really bothered. I started thinking about it as I was just sitting there zoning out.

I made the mistake of running my mouth to one of my coworkers about dating this guy on and off for 5 months now and how it wasn't leading up to any good. I got more depressed when things didn't go my way- when he couldn't make me happy because he was selfish. Most of the time it's what he wanted to do, which was to stay home and do nothing- watch tv shows, HIS tv shows.
Then I started thinking about whether I was being unrealistic or demanding because I required too much attention and his schedule couldn't give me that. I know it's supposed to be a compromise somewhere in there, but whenever things didn't make me happy I thought that it wasn't fair.

Then my coworker mentioned that if my guy was always stressed, he should look at hanging out with me as an opportunity to get away from what was stressing him.

I wasn't happy.... and I felt that it was probably best for my sanity to move on.

Our relationship would start off very upbeat and exciting and then a short while later, approximately a month or so in, it would hit another snag and I became really depressed and very unhappy. It was a weird wave motion. A bad roller-coaster. Almost as if he was getting cold feet each time.

I wasn't sure that it would get better. I didn't see myself spending the rest of my life with him because I was more unhappy than content.

What was wrong with me? I felt so disillusioned. What would it take to make me feel that sense of euphoria again?

I was tempted to see how the Halloween weekend would go by. He said he'd come with me to see The Rocky Horror Picture Show, but even then it almost felt like he wasn't too into it anymore. I felt that Halloween weekend may be the last one we'd spend together, and I was hoping I'd be the one who ended it this time.

Sunday, March 25, 2012

Part III

Against better judgment, I went back for more and began dating again. I was completely smitten with the IT Pilot; I didn't know how to explain it, I didn't know what it was, but I was drawn to him in such a powerful way that even though I was always on my toes, he was an addiction, a drug I couldn't quit.

He followed through with his promise and begin texting me without fail every single day to check in on me. I'll admit it was a very sudden change which I can honestly say caught me completely by surprise.

It's proven that a simple text good morning can make a girl's day better.

The following week, he went in for an endoscopic procedure to diagnose his frequent heartburn episodes. His roommate/best friend/employee took care of him by taking him into the clinic and bringing him back home, but I had promised him to stop by later that evening to check up on him. The anesthesia had worn off, but I made sure to care for him as gently as possible. He seemed happy, and although there was much more that I wanted to share with him, my feelings were kept under wraps, for fear of disillusionment.

A few days later, I received a beautiful surprise at work. A flower delivery with my favorite flowers (daisies) and a chick as a holder; Birds are my favorite animals, and I've been raising wild ones since I was a kid.  The note read "You may be out of sight, but never out of mind. Bubs" Bubs was my term of endearment for the IT Pilot.

The gesture had touched me deeply, and I was for one led to believe things could change this third time around.

I was wrong....

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

There is no "click"

A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.

One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.

Ren: Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?
Ozzie: Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you 
Ren: WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.
Ozzie:  So are you gonna respond?
Ren: Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.
Ozzie: How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??

It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex could definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end.

So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.
His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.

As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. 

A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. 

Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.
So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. 

"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." 
He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t ‘click’.

He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt I wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me then? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.”

He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because you don’t know what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”

He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. WTF? He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello."  I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere. A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you didn’t. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”

He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere.

I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.  "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him.

We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him.

He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do.

I'm scared. Can you blame me?

So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. 

Part III began immediately.