Wednesday, March 21, 2012

There is no "click"

A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.

One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."

It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.

Ren: Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?
Ozzie: Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you 
Ren: WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.
Ozzie:  So are you gonna respond?
Ren: Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.
Ozzie: How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??

It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex could definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end.

So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.
His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.

As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. 

A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. 

Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.
So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. 

"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." 
He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t ‘click’.

He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt I wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me then? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.”

He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because you don’t know what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”

He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. WTF? He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello."  I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere. A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you didn’t. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”

He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere.

I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.  "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him.

We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him.

He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do.

I'm scared. Can you blame me?

So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. 

Part III began immediately.


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