There is no "click"

A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.


One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."


It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.


Ren: Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?
Ozzie: Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you 
Ren: WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.
Ozzie:  So are you gonna respond?
Ren: Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.
Ozzie: How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??




It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex could definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end.


So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.

His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.

As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. 

A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. 

Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.

So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. 

"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." 

He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t ‘click’.

He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt I wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me then? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.”

He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because you don’t know what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”

He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. WTF? He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello."  I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere. A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you didn’t. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”

He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere.

I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.  "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him.

We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him.

He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do.

I'm scared. Can you blame me?

So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. 

Part III began immediately.

 

Sebastian incarnate

While going through the notions of my breakup of the IT Pilot, someone unexpectedly showed up on my radar again.

My ex-boyfriend Sebastian.

We had dated for exactly a year,  had even managed to visit Europe a couple of years earlier, and got along splendidly well- for "friends."

Coming in hot from his divorce, Sebastian was just never going to settle down with me- he didn't believe in long term, and after countless discussions, I had realized too late that he had stayed with me for a year simply out of selfish reasons- he didn't want to be alone.

A year and a half later, Sebastian called me for the first time and we managed to stay glued to the phone for almost two hours. It felt incredibly familiar to what we'd shared during our relationship. The teasing, the playfulness, the easiness of talking to someone who could make you laugh and understood your sarcasm.

He began telling me of his current situation to try to offset my current sadness of my breakup with the IT Pilot: He had a girlfriend for a few months, from Houston, and even though he had moved back to California a few months before, he had stayed in this "relatioship" with the girl. She had moved to Ohio to be with her family because her father had died recently.

 

She came to visit him in San Francisco for a few weeks and he told me the most shocking news of all: she's pregnant. I knew Sebastian, and I knew that nothing would put him over the moon more than to know that his girlfriend was expecting- that is unless it was the current girl he was with. He told me he was actually trying to convince her not to have it because he had planned on breaking up with her before he found out. He told me she had an attitude problem and didn't see himself raising a child with her. 

I'm like "Well shit, good luck on that. I always thought you wanted to be a dad. Don't tell her now that you want to end it cause she may use it against you and have the baby just out of spite. Would you have told me to lose it if I had gotten pregnant too?"

 

He said "Oh no. I know you would have made a good mom. I just don't want to have it with her and I can't see myself married to her for 18 years."

 

A few weeks later I found out that he had paid for his girlfriend to have the abortion afterall, and a part of me lost some respect for him. It just so had happened that he had gotten three girls pregnant in his life time (all while on birth control) and each girl had mysteriously not had a baby because he didn't think it was the right time. Two had had miscarriages, and the latest had the abortion. 

Even though we'd both moved on and got along great, I sincerely hoped that Karma would one day pay him a visit and not grant him children. I don't think he deserved them for what he had done to women throughout his life.

Yes, I had become a bitter woman.

 

An apology 4 years later

It's been 4 years since I broke up with one of the greatest loves of my life- the person who I planned to marry, the person I never doubted, and the only person who treated me like a queen. His name was (still is) Josh.

That 4-year relationship came to a screeching halt when I moved with my family from California to Texas. It was a deafening wake-up call from fantasy, one that left me single for 2.5 years (until I met Sebastian) and has made me depressed ever since.

ANywAy......

Once we broke up, we never saw eye to eye on things, and while we were both hurt and angry at each other, we proceeded to alienate ourselves from one another and never be on speaking terms again. A year later, I called him to ask for money that he owed me, hoping he would somehow be able to pay me back. He promised that he would, but never did. The following year, in 2008, Hurricane Ike hit Houston, and while the rest of the country was watching the news, Josh wrote to me and asked if I was okay. We tried to make peace, but things were still painful for me and we eventually became bitter and angry at each other again. That was the last I heard of him.

Until this week......

It's Monday morning, and I'm checking my phone and see a notification on my Facebook.
I have a new message and it doesn't hit me until I read the sender's name.
Him.

"I really need to apologize for everything that ever happened.  I've been dwelling a lot lately about getting older, and growing up in general. I blamed you for the shit that happened between us for a long time, and it's taken me a while-- but I realize that I share blame in what happened between you and I. I was immature and young, and while I'll never condone the way you treated me, I instigated and forced upon you issues that you never should have dealt with.  What we both did to one another wasn't fair in the slightest, and I apologize for the stupid shit I put you through. 

Sorry to bother you. I know it's been forever, but I had to get it off my chest."

I was surprised and confused. I don't think he ever did anything remotely as bad as I did to him. Still, I couldn't help but wonder why he was coming back so many years later with an apology that he really didn't need to make.

I responded the following afternoon:

"You never did anything wrong. If anything, the only wrong thing you did was caring too much for someone who didn't deserve it..... I learned to understand that I was immature and irresponsible to have been in that relationship. I'm sure things worked out for the best and I'm glad you can finally put this behind you and move on, although, I quite honestly thought you had already."

He went on to say that looking back, he'd realized that he'd forced me to be with him (though I don't consider it so) and because he was unable to control his emotions, he put my family and I through some trying situations. He continued saying that he thought he was over it too, but some things had happened that were a consequence of what had happened between us two in the past, though indirectly. Frankly, it made me curious, because I really don't know how someone can still harbor "grudges" or "sentiments" for something that happened so long ago- especially since he is still with the same girlfriend, 4 years later.

"As far as if it worked out for the best: It's had some good things come out of it, and some bad."

Regardless of the vague statements he expressed, I still thanked him for the apology. I knew him well enough then to know that he is probably feeling depressed now; Possibly because of how his life turned out. I don't know, I'm only guessing.

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

What I really mean when I say the following

The dating scene has been.... exciting to say the most. I've met some great guys, funny, intelligent and all respectful- real gentlemen, thank God. About half of them went as far as the third date, while the other half never made it past the first.

It got me thinking the other day while I was reading an article on Yahoo about the things guys will say, and the truth behind those expressions. I figured I'd add my two cents in to contribute my own version of encrypted statements.

What I say: We really shouldn't
What I really mean: If I didn't stop drinking after one beer and I'm in your apartment, you can bet that I REALLY WANT TO, but I don't want to get burned like I did the last time around. I'm only sleeping with you if you're my boyfriend. SO at least pretend to give me that.

What I say: I just don't think we clicked
What I really mean: You aren't attractive enough for me to overlook that and be sold on your personality alone.

What I say: You really need to visit California/Vegas/any major place I've been
What I really mean: I'm hoping we can date long enough so that we can take this trip together.

What I say: I've had sex with 3 guys
What I really mean: I've had vaginal sex with 3 different guys. You'll figure out the rest in time when I'm more comfortable talking about it with you.

What I say: What's your longest relationship?
What I really mean: Are you more for long term or short term?

What I say: Are you and your ex on speaking terms?
What I really mean: How did your romance end? Will I consider her a threat in our relationship; Will she make appearances or be brought up a lot in conversations?

What I say: How are you with kids?
What I really mean: Can you get along with younger kids, prefereably my 10-year twin sisters so one day we can all go out together.

What I say: Heeeey, haven't heard from you in a while.
What I really mean: Where the @$%& have you been and why haven't you called until now?!

What I say: So what's a regular week like for you?
What I really mean: I want to know your schedule so I can tell if you're avoiding me when you don't call because you're "busy" all of a sudden after the first date

What I say: I had a great time. We should do this again sometime.
What I really mean: Call me tomorrow

What I say: Well, thank you for dinner/coffee. It was nice meeting you.
What I really mean: Yeah, this isn't going to work out.

What I say: Oh my God you're huge.
What I really mean: OMFG you're HUGE.:)

Don't think about him!

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

Personally, that doesn't work for me. I tried it once, and my mind was still connected to the past, so I stopped it from going anywhere. If my heart's not in it, I'm not going to move on with a new person. I'm just going to mess around with them. No pun intended.... or not......

For me, it's better to disconnect myself completely. Emotionally, physically and technologically as well.

Getting away from Facebook and holding myself back from calling Sebastian is probably one of the most effective ways to separate myself from him. If I don't see what he's doing, then I simply don't think about him. I haven't ventured into the world yet because I know I'm not ready, but I'm a bit excited for that day to come.

Today I went in for a testing session that the Kids's Center needed me to complete prior to my second interview tomorrow. I went into a staffing firm that tested me for my proficiency with Excel 2003. Pfft. Old school. There were 30 questions, and it consisted of working with a sample spreadsheet giving me directions on completing simple tasks like sums, averages, fixing margins, adding new cells, bolding, changing font, etc. I felt pretty confident even though there were a few questions that I'd never encountered before. However, I was able to handle the gist of it, and I'm sure my interviewer will see that I know how to work with Excel.

I called my interviewer to confirm my appointment for tomorrow, and he told me to come in a little bit earlier to review the load of questions he'd asked last week before meeting with his boss, the CFO. He had told me last week that she wasn't the one to give the final word on the hiring process (that was up to HR after they'd review his recommendations) but he wanted potential candidates to meet with her to get to know each other. That sounds promising right?

So here's to tomorrow. I hope I nail this job. I need something new.

Things are tough!

The week has continued with more ups and downs. I've broken down more than once.

The interview on Monday with the kid's center went by great however! It actually lasted close to 3 hours. I'm not kidding. There were a lot of psychological questions which really didn't tie in with the job description itself. A lot of "how do you deal with kids", "explain a difficult or frustrating time you've experienced with a child"; "what is your favorite age group" and etc.

I also met up with the AP manager who asked me a handful of questions too, and a maintenance technician as well. They were all very upbeat, but 3 hours for an interview was slowly starting to burn me out. The main person sounded very optimistic about my session and kept giving me high hopes and throwing hints here and there that they would be calling me back for a second interview. He told that he would be calling me middle of next week with a yes or a no. On Thursday, he called me to schedule a second interview on Tuesday to meet with the CFO and asked if I wouldn't mind coming in for a computer literacy exam.  They are very picky. During the first interview, they made me sign off three different release waivers for permission to contact any entity from my past in order to do background checks. I felt completely vulnerable, as if they could find something bad about me that could impede me from getting hired. (I do have a clean background by the way)

On Wednesday, over 2 weeks since my breakup from Sebastian, I caved. I noticed on his facebook that he was home sick and called him. We stayed on the phone for almost 2 hours, just talking about each other, us and things that had been going on.

"I noticed you'd gone back on Plenty of Fish" he said.

"Yeah, I did, but my profile is kept private" I told him.

"Yeah, I saw your updated profile and the part that your profile is private. 'If you can see me it's probably because I added you as a favorite' and you saying you're not ready to date" he commented

"Yes. You're probably a favorite still from the last time" I told him.

"Don't worry, in a few months, you'll be ready to date again" he offered.

"I hope so." I told him.

We hung up and then, couldn't hold myself back any more- I decided to drive up to see him. As I pulled into his apartment complex, I called him and asked him if I could come up.  He sighed and said "I don't think it's a good idea." Silence. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm pulling into your parking lot." I answered. He sighed again "Alright, fine. Come on up."

As I walked in, he greeted me with a grin saying "Ren, Ren. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored" I said.

I stayed for a couple of hours until it got late and he said "I don't want to kick you out and it's not like you can stay here."

I never once kissed him on the lips, but he kissed on the cheeks and forehead as he tried to comfort me. There was a lot of hugging, making it more difficult to let go. At one point, he got an erection which I didn't realize until he told me. "Sorry. It's just, been a long time" he said. I tried to suggest to do it one last time until he told me "It's not a good idea. I don't want to fall back into the same habit we did the last time around. It will never be over."

"No. We wouldn't" I told him.

"It would just make it harder for you to move on. We shouldn't." he said.

I know.....

"And it's not that I don't want to. Trust me, the proof is right there" he added with a smile.


And then, I realized what a gentleman he had always been with me. From the first time, to the last time, sex had been important and a big deal. He didn't push the first time. He actually backed off because he didn't want to rush into it.

So we didn't. He didn't use me when I was at my weakest point and I respect him for respecting me and our breakup. A lot of other guys would have gone ahead with it and strung the other person along until they were bored, but I've had luck with guys and respect after a breakup. Once it's really over, there's nothing more- the way it should be. I miss him a lot, especially on the days we would meet to hang out. I miss hanging out casually with only plans to hang indoors. It hurts because I am weak and it is still fresh, but I have to accept the fact that it didn't work out and learn to move on. It's not me or him- it's a combination of both.

I saw Sebastian again earlier today as he drove into my area of town to shop at a specialty store. He came to pick up the last of his stuff at my apartment. He finally got his new car, but I didn't even listen to him as he was telling me about the purchase because I didn't really care. I tried to act as if it didn't phase me that he was sitting right on my bed, but my heart was hurting. I tried to keep a conversation but I was still partially angry and hurt. A short while later, he left and we hugged outside in the parking lot as I also left. He turned around one last time and said with a smile "Take care Ren." I waved and said " Bye Seb."

I need laughter. It's the only thing that keeps tears coming down. I want to be happy again.

Looking to the bright side

This week has had its downs and ups.

My dad came to visit for the weekend before spring break, and I spent most of my time at my mom's. We went to the Houston Children's Museum where the only time I managed to enjoy myself was while building racing cars out of Legos. I noticed that occupying my time with something physical took my mind off of Sebastian.

I dedicated all of Wednesday to browse for jobs online (through HotJobs, Cummulus and Indeed that Sebastian had suggested.) The only thing making its way into my inbox was automated email from the job engines giving me "tips" and "help" on looking for more jobs. Then while on my lunch break on Thursday from my part time work, I received a call from a company I had apparently applied for. The caller caught me off guard completely and asked me if it was a bad time. Since I wasn't the one driving, I said that it wasn't, not realizing he was about to embark on a preliminary "interview" over the phone.

"I have to be honest" he began, "Your resume caught my eye and I have to say you are at the top of the list. We've gotten a lot of applications for this position- somewhere around 85. But I'm not going to call 85 people. I'm only calling 4." This reassured me.

When asked why I had applied for the job, I stumbled and told him it was due to my field of work. He was very sympathetic and told me "It's okay, I've caught you off guard. Don't worry. Next question." I was lucky enough to have understood that his name was "Ray" because he actually asked me for it at the end of the call. It took me more than a while however to understand where he was calling from exactly. He asked me if I knew what the organization did and I fumbled again and told him the truth "I haven't read on the company completely, but from the website, I understand you deal with adoption and foster care, as well as counseling services." Again, he sympathized and continued with the questioning.

He asked me about my salary expectations, why I had left my previous employer, strengths and weaknesses (which I couldn't come out with any- seriously, who admits that?) and future plans.He left me with his office and cell phone numbers which I interpreted to be a very good sign.

Later that night, I went to the Muse concert with one my colleagues. I had sold Sebastian's ticket when he told me to take a friend. My other colleague wasn't able to go, so I offered to sell his ticket as well on Craigslist. A buyer quickly accepted, and I met them at Ikea to sell both tickets. I managed to make a $130 profit which paid for my ticket originally, so I went for free. It was loud, but incredible.

The following day, I had plans to go to another interview at a doctor's office that one of my previous colleagues had talked me into. Turns out they were at a seminar that day, and no one was in the office. I left my contact information and went back to finish other errands, all the while thinking about Ray and the center. When I happen to check my phone, I notice 3 missed calls. I listen to the voicemail and it turns out to be Ray from the kids' center asking me if I am available for an interview some time next week.

Ecstatic, I call him back and catch him on the road. I await for a while and he asks me when I am free to come in. "I'm available on Monday morning. Say 10 o'clock?" I suggest. "Let me check my agenda. One moment. Yes, I have a meeting prior to that, and it may run a little bit past 10, but I am available" he answers. I realize now that I could have simply suggested 10:30 to give him a breather window. But I figure if it wasn't okay, he would have suggested later also.

As for the dating front, I've updated my profile on POF, but have it hidden still. Sebastian is also actively looking. I've promised myself I won't start dating again until my heart is healed and I have a job. I don't want to be the jobless date. It just shows I don't care about myself first and would rather spend my time dating than actively looking for a job. Of course, that's different if you're in college full time, but that's me too, and I want someone to know I'm a hard worker as well.

I've done research on the adoption center, and compiled a list of questions for the interviewer tomorrow. Wish me luck. I can sense something big is about to happen!

He had to break my heart

He had to break my heart for me to move on.

I wouldn't have moved on if we'd remained friends because that's what happened last time, and that's how we fell into an open relationship for a few months before committing once again.

It lasted one year exactly, and I noticed how much he changed during the seasons.

It was exciting at first, he wanted to be with me. We talked for 13 hours straight the day before we met. He even blurted the words "marry me!" on our first conversation and gave me the most shocking compliment anyone had ever given me when we first met: "You're beautiful" followed by a smile that made my heart skip a beat.

Then he slowly started breaking my heart with the accidental things he said about his exes and his wandering eyes.......... but against my better judgment, I continued with him.

He broke my heart real bad during the summer- 4 months in. He broke up with me out of the blue. It's true that about a month prior to the breakup, I'd begun feeling very unhappy. He wasn't making me happy because of the things he would say.

I cried hard for a while, but two days later, we saw each other again with the plans to give each other some things we'd left behind. I can't remember how we morphed back together, but it wasn't pleasant 100% of the time.

I remembered crying to him weeks later, still lost and confused as if to whether we would get back together again. I began dating again, but with a lump in my throat- as if I were cheating both sides. I wanted to move on, but I also wanted Sebastian. A couple of months went by, and I decided to commit to Sebastian full time, and we slowly evolved into a real couple without me realizing it. We traveled to Europe together and had a great time back at home also. We joked and laughed non-stop the days we spent together. I was happy, and I knew he was happy with me too.

He was a great partner, and we never fought about anything. We got along great. Every once in a while, I'd open up to him about certain aspects of our relationship, and he'd listen in on my opinions.

But then out of the blue, he ended it. He broke my heart again, and even though he said he wanted to remain friends, I knew deep down I would not be able to put him in my past and get over him if I continued on daily speaking terms. And I believe it's only fair. If you don't want to date me because you don't feel you're meant to be with me, then I don't want to talk to you every night or have sex with you to fulfill your needs.

He told me repeatedly he didn't believe in long term relationships. Not in general- but for himself. 5 years and that was it. I don't believe in marriage necessarily as the solution to "together forever" but I definitely do believe in long term relationships. And with Sebastian, I knew that wasn't possible.

I know he's confused about what he wants. He wants the companionship but in my opinion doesn't want the long term commitment. I sense he'd get bored and move on. He's solitary, and he's okay with that most of the time, but like all men, needs that physical aspect of a relationship. I don't know if he's noticed, but most of the time, you can't have one without the other. Well, technically you can, but my guess is it's unhealthy and sporadic. He's safe with his sex life and not promiscuous. I don't know how long that would last. I guess he'd be okay with year long relationships every year.

In the meantime, I'm taking a break from dating. My heart needs to grieve and heal, and I need to work on myself again before I jump back into the dating scene. I don't want to assert too much self confidence because I'm still fragile to rejection. Sebastian made me into a better person and was a great teacher; I learned so much from him. I can only hope I'm able to keep what I've learned and bring it into the next relationship as effortlessly as I did with him.

The Aftermath

I was scheduled to attend a passion party with my friend at another girlfriend's house. I was actually looking forward to it and having a good time. That was right before Sebastian broke up with me on the same day.

I still attended because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. And I truly thought that spending time with other girls would help keep my mind off of the breakup. I broke down twice, confiding in my friends about the breakup. I had to tell them what had happened because I realized it was the only way to come to terms and accept that it was in fact over. However, I was still very much hurt and the pain was still new that the more I talked about it, more tears rolled down my face.

The next day, Sebastian took the status off of Facebook and my friends came to comfort me when they saw the "single" status change. I was glad that they'd noticed and that I actually had people watching my back. I called my dad in California and told him what had happened and he tried his hardest to comfort me. "You're not the first, and you definitely won't be the last to suffer a breakup" he kindly told me.

I've heard this advice before. It helped before and it will definitely help me again. My mother on the other hand just made things worse. She asked me if it wasn't perhaps my fault again, that I shouldn't have pursued him last time, that I should have let him go, and that if I knew if maybe he didn't have another woman on the side.

I was so hurt that I walked out of the house. My own mother couldn't comfort me, and then I remembered that she hadn't been able to the last time either. When I look at how my parents brought us up, my father has always been the one to give my siblings and I the most affection- kisses, hugs, and enough embraces to annoy us. My mother has taken good care of us, but has been rather cold. I don't remember the last time she actually held me or my sisters. It's always yelling on her part.

Recently, I haven't wanted to think about Sebastian, because the moment I do, I get teary eyed. I'm not ready to date again, but I am in the process of acceptance and moving on. I haven't talked to him, and I know I'm not ready to either. I hate to think about how much time must pass before I'm able to comfortably hold a conversation, because I can sense it could be at least a year. Yesterday, I sent him a text message asking what he wanted to do about the Muse concert ticket he'd bought to go to this week. He told me "Take a friend and have fun :)." I intend to go with my colleague who also bought a ticket months ago.

And as for his clothes, I didn't return it to him this past weekend on my way up to the airport. I didn't want to make the effort.

It's Over

I've been neglecting my blog and with good reason.

I've been avoiding having to write this post for almost one week now, but I think I'm feeling ok enough to update what happened.

Sebastian and I are no longer together, and I know a majority of you saw it coming, or didn't see us as a long term couple. Truth is, I didn't see either. I just kept hoping things would change, as all hopeless romantics do.

Mid-last week, I whispered "I love you" at night while I thought he was asleep. I said it twice to confirm, though I can fully admit that I wasn't really feeling it at that exact moment I said. I think the emotions took control of me and because I was happy, I said those three little words. Truth is, I wanted to say it some time earlier, but didn't have the strength to.

On Saturday, we were supposed to meet up at my apartment so we could go get a shirt exchanged that I had given him for Valentine's Day. He had brought back the things I had asked him for from his place, except it didn't occur to me at the time it was more than what I thought I'd left behind. I joked around and said "Wow, I didn't know I'd left so much stuff" as he just smiled. About 5 minutes later, he sat down on my bed and I quickly joined him and said "Ooh! Story time!"

He paused for a moment and calmly began.

"I've sort of been lying to you about not telling you I was awake when I heard you say what you said to me the other night" he said

My face froze.

"And I don't think I'm ever going to get to that point with you." he added.

"Oh, great" I said sarcastically. "It's happening all over again."

I was mad.

He continued talking and said that although I was a good person, he didn't see us together for the long run.

"This time, I can't say I did anything wrong, because I know I was a good person" I told him.

"I know. You're a great person. But we both know that we're each holding back." he said.

I knew this.

"You can't even recognize when someone good to you is standing right in front of you. I was a good girlfriend Sebastian. How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me?" I asked.

This was my reason for not begging to have him take me back.

I've never begged with Sebastian. We never fought or had breaks. We broke up once last summer, for basically the same reason.

"I can't have children with someone I'm not in love with. It's not fair to them" he said.

I know. I wouldn't either.

"And truth is, I'm scared that I may never have that family that I want. Look at my dad, he's a hermit, and I'm scared that I may end up like him because the problem is with me. I can't seem to make a relationship work" he added.

So at that, I continued crying and slowly felt myself sinking into my bed. I began collecting his clothes that had been left at my apartment and told him "If you happen to find things of mine at your apartment, just get rid of them. I don't want them"

"You don't want me to just drop them off on your door?" he asked.

"No. I don't care for it. Just throw it away. If I find anything else of yours here, I'll do the same" I answered.

"I'm probably not the best person to comfort you right now. You should talk with your friends" he said.

"They will just put you down" I answered.

"That's maybe what you need right now. It's okay with me" he said. "I would offer to continue being friends-" he added.

"But I don't want that right now. Maybe in time..... a long time from now, it can happen, but I don't want to talk as friends" I told him.

And it's true. We tried the friends bit after we broke up the last time- that's how we fell into an open relationship. And that's how I passed up chances with other guys because I was in limbo with Sebastian at the time.

"Don't stay single for too long. Take your time, get over me. Don't worry, you will forget me in a year. Thank you for taking me around the world" he said as he closed the door behind him.

He left quietly that day, and I haven't heard from him since. I've been down in the dumps this past week, and when I think about him and us, my eyes fill with tears- like right now for instance.

I spent the entire week at my mom's because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. When I went back to get more clothes, I sifted through the plastic bag that he had brought back containing my clothes. At the very bottom was his pair of jeans- very noticeable from the tag. "Why is he doing this to me??" I asked out loud. Then I remembered- he did the same thing last time as well. He put one of his shirts in with my clothes, and when we met up to give it back to him, our friendship began.

I can only sense that it was done for the same reason again, except I haven't called him to tell him it's in there. I have to drive by his apartment tomorrow to pick my dad up at the airport, and I want to stop by his place and leave the bag on his doorknob without calling or knocking on the door.

I work much better when I'm in a couple. That's how I was programmed. It's difficult to have to let go of someone and move on to be able to move onto the next person. I want to keep my head up and I'm trying very very hard to keep calm and strong.

He is a great guy, but if it's not meant to be, then I definitely deserve someone else.

A double life: Cyber Stalking

It's time- the time has come for me to say goodbye. I must put you out of my life completely and resist the temptation to look back.

I'm talking about the last ex.

Yes. I, Renrexx, am guilty of cyberstalking!!!!

Yesterday, I came across a forum he had posted....... years ago. I read every entry and discovered his "double life." From 6 months into our relationship, we were engaged- yet, I had no clue because I had never said yes. I found out he was 15 when he lost his virginity (we were both 18), his dad had been in a coma (no such thing), he had gotten his own apartment (he didn't get it till he was 24) and car (still no car of his own) , and was on a trip across the US (never even happened. No car, remember?)

I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe what I was reading, and unfortunately, I was mouth agape in shock.

It made me realize how much he needed others to know that he was not a failure, when he was just that. For 4 years I watched him struggle through life. He rested and relied upon me and never felt the motivation to start his life. I blame myself for that. I sheltered him too much, and didn't give him a reason to motivate himself. Not just that but I emasculated him as well. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive myself for that.

Years later, I could see him committing the same mistake with the person he was dating and is with now. Except this time, the roles were reversed, and he was the one who felt the lack of motivation from her. How can he possibly expect her to make an effort when he won't? She's the one resting on him, and as he had told me a few times long ago "I know how you felt then. I know why you tried to push me so hard."

Although I felt so much sadness and despair for having left him in the first place, I can never forget the debt he incurred upon me. I was nice. I knew he was struggling, but he disrespected me from the beginning when he had no intentions of ever paying me back for what he borrowed. I need to admit that at first, it didn't bother me that he couldn't pay me back because I was fortunate enough to be able to pay it when I could. I also realized that this debt was one more reason to keep us connected…. in contact once every so often. I knew that as soon as that debt was repaid, I would never have a reason to talk to him.

I was the victim of gullibility and stupidity. He never paid a cent, and I wrote it off completely about a year and a half later. I can't respect him for that.

I think about him sometimes. I wonder how he is doing, and while I wonder if he's struggling or if he's comfortable, I tell myself that I have pushed forward because I wanted to. I can only hope that he has changed from what he was at 21 years old. I know I bit it completely, but I've picked myself up again and moved forward.

He is my past.....

I sincerely wish him the best.

Respect, just a little bit

Sometimes I wish I could smack Sebastian on the side of the head for every time he'd bring up the Ex-Factor. But if that was the case, we wouldn't be friends.

Before going to the movies this past weekend, Sebastian and I went to eat Pizza at Double Dave's. They serve the best pizza!

We sat down in a booth, and just began chatting about random stuff. I can't remember how exactly the subject shifted, but it ultimately landed on his ex-wife. At one point he calmly said "I've never had so much hate towards someone before. I think if I would of stayed with her, I would of ended up killing her. Probably the reason why I didn't want to own a gun. For fear of that, or of her shooting me instead."

I slowly stopped eating and shot a confused glance at him.

Say what?

I couldn't really believe he'd be capable of something like that, but I remembered all the negative comments he'd had about her, and slowly began putting the pieces together. He really did have a genuine hate towards the misses, even though he had really loved her a lot at one point. I can actually understand why some men can go as far as murdering their spouses. Something overtakes them, and they lash out. I know they don't want to, but sometimes, the spouse will get to pull on the last string and push the other person overboard.

Then, I finally got the guts to ask what had been going through my mind for a few weeks.

"Did you ever talk about your ex to your ex-wife when you guys were together?"

He paused. Looked down at his plate and slowly said "No."

Huh?

I resisted slamming my hands on the table and yelling out, but I calmed asked "Why not?"

"Because my wife felt threatened when I brought her up. She became hostile and I respected my Japanese Ex a lot more than her, so I preferred not to talk about her."

I was fuming.

So the only thing that could have stopped you from bringing the topic of your exes in our conversations was for me to get pissed?

So it didn't help that I voiced out my frustration calmy or shared my insecurities peacefully. Apparently I had to turn into a vapid bitch to be taken seriously.

Last night, completely off topic, Sebastian asked me "Are there ever things that I talk about that you don't really care about?"

This was my chance.

"Well, if you want to know, yes. Your exes. I don't see how many times I have to tell you I don't want to hear about them. I got tired of telling you, so now, I just don't listen to it."

"I'm really sorry Ren" he admitted.

"Truth is, it doesn't matter how many times you say you're sorry if you just go back and do it time later. I gave up. You can keep saying you're sorry, but I know you'll just end up bringing it up again, and I learned to deal with it by letting you talk about it."

His silence and the tone of his voice showed me that he was embarrassed about what I was confronting him about. I know it won't end, but maybe I've shamed him enough and he'll truly understand what I'm thinking when I roll my eyes in front of him.

The girl he should have married

I've had this discussion with three men- Sebastian, BEG and a good friend named Paul.

It turns out that most men often think back to the girl that they let go. Sebastian has gone into some detail about regretting to marry his now ex-wife, and not marrying his Japanese Ex instead. I haven't wanted to get into specifics, but as far as I know, Sebastian married his "high school sweetheart"- for lack of better words. They had met at a bus station one summer during high school and apparently kept in contact. He lived in California at the time, and she lived in Texas.

They both went on with their separate lives, and somewhere along the way, they got together again while each of them was in a committed relationship. He with the Japanese Girl of 5 years, and she..... well, some guy. They cheated on their partners and ended up terminating their long term relationships.

About 6 months later they got into contact again, and went to live together. Less than a year together later, they were getting married.

Sebastian will stress over and over that his marriage to his now-ex wife was a big mistake, and problem was, he knew it even before it happened.


But he wanted to give her everything and make her happy; which didn't work, and she left him when he couldn't please her financially. He was frugal and more careful about money; she wasn't because she'd always been spoiled.

At one point when we were still "together", Sebastian welled up and mentioned that he should have married his Japanese Ex, because at least with her, he was certain of being happy "forever." It broke my heart when I heard this because it was a constant reminder of what he had at one point, and how I couldn't replace it. He had promised to not mention it again, but he never followed through with it, and the Japanese Girl would make an appearance every now and then.

I asked Sebastian why he hadn't married her, and he said because he was young (23) and didn't feel ready for it. He married the ex-wife a year later. I wonder what changed.

I once asked BEG during a session of "20 questions" if there had ever been a girl who he could have considered marrying, and he said that there had been. We didn't go in depth, but he mentioned that he hadn't done so because he felt too young to marry. He admitted that he knew he could have been happy forever with her and lived a stable life.

Paul let it slip innocently that he had been involved with a girl for a few months. He lived in Austin and she in Lousiana, and would travel on the weekends to see him. They had made it clear to each other that they were not a couple, merely friends with benefits. However, he decided to end it because he didn't feel right having her drive so often to see him just for sex. She apparently had later married, and he wished her happiness and prosperity, not before saying "I should have married her. She was so cool and had such an optimistic view about life."

It made me wonder- why do men chose not to marry the ones that are ideally suited for them, only to find themselves thinking about their missed chances years later. How many more men feel they've missed out on that one special person because they didn't feel ready for that type of commitment?


As a woman, I personally don't feel tempted to nitpick through possible bachelors because they're not perfect. I've learned to accept quirks and certain traits as positive features of a man's persona. More openly- I just don't want to be 35 years old and single with no more chances.

Sebastian has oftentimes said that he believes he will live as a hermit because he doesn't believe he will be truly compatible with just one person for the rest of his life (especially since he believes in Singularity, but we'll talk about that some other time.) Though I would prefer it that way in part because of my jealousy for the next woman, I highly doubt it'll be the case.


I'm tempted to think if Sebastian will one day look back and consider me as one of those missed chances.

I snoop for my own bad

I will admit that every once in a while I snoop through Sebastian's phone.

And most of the time, I really don't like what I find.

Be it phone calls or text between his ex-wife, I think I'm just looking for a reason to not like him anymore. But it's getting harder and harder the more time we end up spending together.

As a result, we ended up spending this entire past weekend together. And I know I'm only hurting myself, but it's just so difficult to part ways. It's convenient having him there. I think I want to blame BEG on it for this one, because for the first real weekend on my own, he finally went away to a real jobsite. After months of sitting on his ass without any real job interaction, he got called out to San Antonio to fix a motor on an oil rig. He was away the entire weekend, and we had minimal contact.

Sebastian was there for me from Friday on, continuing to nurse me back to health, alternating our sleepovers between his place and mine. I had to buy him a bath sponge so he'd have one to shower with, and he bought an extra toothbrush to leave his old one at my place. We ended up watching TV most of the time because I have cable, and he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't have a TV anymore because he gave it to me.

BEG crossed my mind a couple of times, and I think it was due to the lack of attention that I usually get from him via text and aim. I've come to realize now that I'm a total starved attention "whore" for lack of a better word. It makes me feel better when I get attention- even if it's not from the right guy. Any attention is good attention. I saw a missed call from him while I was out to dinner with Sebastian, and didn't bother to call back. I mean..... when could I? We were together the entire time, and I felt it would be rude to return the call in front of him, even if he does encourage me to date.

See- that's the part that gets to me. How can Sebastian not get jealous? The more we talked about his past, the more I realize that maybe he's not meant to be with just one person. (And actually, he has told me this before- he doesn't believe in complete monogamy forever. He doesn't believe in the idea of marriage as everlasting.) He's got an awesome character, and I love that about him, but how could you possibly let the love of your life (ie: the Japanese Girl) walk away when you had a chance to keep her? She didn't break up up with him after he cheated on her (with his current ex-wife), he broke up with her. The Japanese Girl was actually willing to make it work, but he decided not to. Now, years later, he talks about regret for not marrying her, and regrets marrying the wrong one.

Was it really love? Or just a notion?

I mean, I know I loved my last boyfriend. I've suffered depression ever since we broke up, and I've never been the same as I was before. I don't smile or laugh the same I used to, and I do regret ending things with him, but I can't keep beating myself over it. It just causes more pain and distraught.


I'm not going to lie and say I don't envision the thought of an ideal marriage with Sebastian- I don't see anything wrong with him. It just pains me that he doesn't view it the same way as I do. And it hurt me even more the more time we spent together because we were getting to a point where we were finishing each others' sentences. We were thinking the same thing, and reacting the same under certain circumstances. I haven't had that happen in years- it takes a long time to achieve that. And even though my heart tells me it's happening with the right person, my head tells me not to enjoy or believe it.

This weekend, Sebastian continued on his search for a car because his Tercel finally died out. I went with him to the bank to help him in getting information about loans- and I felt like we were a couple. I was his support, and he was glad and didn't hesitate to take my suggestions. I loved it. I felt great about being able to help him, and I enjoyed the fact that he was taking my suggestions seriously about what kind of vehicle to purchase. He kept asking me about my opinion on the matter. After much research, he finally decided it was best to buy used instead of new.


I can't help but feel a little jealous about the new girl he will one day replace me with. She'll get to have all the fun driving around in his car.

Late last night, Sebastian asked me if I was planning to come over to have dinner with him tonight because he was going to make spaghetti. I felt a sense of relief being able to say that I couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. I don't like to give him all my available time. I want to be able to have my own, especially since we're not officially an item. I don't feel he deserves it for me to be on call 7 days a week.



[side note: I wasn't able to update this past weekend because I was involved with Sebastian throughout all 48 hours, and because I've just recently lost my open connection to the internet. While I will make every effort to write daily, I may not be able to publish]

A scare!

As we were moving things up into my apartment this weekend, a sweet old lady offered to help Sebastian and I move my couch upstairs. It just made things worse. We were both scared that she would hurt herself and fall down the stairs, drop the couch on our heads, or worse- trip us up to fall to our untimely deaths each. She lives in the apartment below me. By the sound of it, she doesn't speak much English, but what we were able to understand was her name- Mrs. Brown.


With all the commotion we caused, my new neighbor across the "hall" came out to see who was making the noise. As soon as I saw her, I stopped dead in my tracks and quickly glanced out of the corner of my eye into Sebastian's direction. She looked just like his Japanese ex.


Damnit! Can't a girl catch a break??

I quickly introduced myself and Sebastian to her. Her name is Daphne and she goes to school close by. She was excited about having new neighbors. Turns out she'd just moved in about a month ago. I quickly excused myself after thanking Mrs. Brown for her help, and went back into my apartment.

"Daphne. Huh..... I haven't heard that name in a while" said Sebastian.

Oh great here it goes. He noticed her too.

"Yeah. It sounds like a prissy name" I shot back.

Don't get any ideas Sebastian!

A while later I recalled how excited she'd seemed to have new neighbors. Sebastian mentioned "Yeah, I think she was happy to have neighbors their own age."

"What do you mean their age? Who are you talking about?" I asked

"Well I saw a guy walking in the background; must be her boyfriend" he answered.

"Man, you've got a good eye. I didn't see anyone back there" I said.

Phew...... she's taken.

A while later, we left to go throw some trash away and saw her coming down the stairs. I flagged her down, but she didn't "see" me. I called out to her louder the second time and asked her if she knew where the dumpsters were.

"Uh I don't know. I just throw my trash in my car and toss it elsewhere" she answered as she continued down the stairs.

"Huh" I said to Sebastian. "Was it just me or did she seem a bit rude?" I asked him.

"Yeaaah. I know huh. Looks like you've got a bipolar asian for a neighbor" he added.

"Yeah, you must know. You married one" I concluded.

Ooooh, pwned

-----Later that day-----

We went to get lunch at Taco Bell before going back to my mom's house to pick up the rest of my boxes. This lunch period revolved around his ex wife and their marriage. He talked about her the entire time, saying how unhappy he'd been, and regretting ever marrying her though he did in fact love her.

Yeah, love blinds you. Completely.




It didn't bother me that he talked about her; I was mainly curious to know what had happened in their relationship, especially since he'd said she'd been very abusive and violent towards him for every little thing. People that are bipolar need help from a therapist- of which she was reluctant to see. Eventually, her unhappiness with him led her to leave him. I felt bad for his misfortune, but I think the only thing he could have done was to smack her around a bit and instill fear in her. Problem was, she didn't take him seriously or respect him at all. Their fights just got worse.


He talked about her so much, that as we were setting up my bathroom back in my apartment, he called me by her name. I didn't quite hear it at first, but when he said "Shit. I called you Jeannette," I just stared at him, and gave him a confused look. It didn't bother me much, and I knew why it had slipped out. "Wow. That's the first time I call you that. Gotta admit I did pretty well. It's because we've been talking about her so much today. Let's not talk about her ever again."

Well, that sounded like a splendid idea, except he mentioned her again the next day.
And the next.

I was soclose to achieving annihilation of the ex-wife.

Oh well, it's back to the drawing board.

She's getting married!

In the last few days, I've been thinking back to some of the conversations Sebastian and I have had regarding his past; i.e.: the exes.

Sebastian mentioned that he wanted to take a vacation somewhere. Japan. And my stomach turned over. Yeah.... I know why you'd want to go out there. And don't even think of making me believe that it's to see your friends. It's pretty obvious it's to see your Japanese ex. He was madly in love with her, and to this day, I still have to hear "I should have married her." It's evident he never really got over her- because she was perfect.

You know, I wonder if he ever brought this stuff up with his ex-wife at the time they were married. I never bothered to ask.

So he continued talking about taking a trip, when he mentioned he wanted to go to France, and out of the blue he says "Would you go with me?" To which I pessimistically answered "Sure." "Really?" he said. "Yeah. I'm overdue anyways. We could go during Spring Break. That'd be good timing. " "And visit surrounding countries too. Oh that'd be awesome!" he added enthusiastically.



All I could bring myself to think was how much I wished that damn Japanese ex had a boyfriend (if she didn't already) or would get married. It would definitely give him closure, right?

Sebastian calls me one day after work like he normally does and unwinds about his day at work. About 30 minutes in or so he calmly says "I found out that my.... ex.... ex......"As soon as I heard "ex," my eyes rolled and I was about to take the bluetooth out of my ear when he concludes with "......is getting married." I quickly calculated in my head and knew that the "ex-ex" was the Japanese girl.

Married.

SCORE!

So it may not mean much for us again, but that should control him for a few years right? I mean, divorce is bound to happen. Hell, it happened to him, so why not her?

"Oh well, congratulations to her" I said blankly. "Yeah, I wished her the same thing" he answered.


Would that be the reason why I saw that he had logged into his Plenty of Fish profile and updated it? (You can find this out by adding a person to your favorites. It shows the last time they were online.) That was quite the blow to the stomach. I was mad and deceived. Hurt and pained. He said he wasn't ready to date, but updated his profile anyway.
Quite suddenly, BEG didn't seem so unattractive after all....

I don't think I'm ready to date

As much as I'd like to have someone to share my time with, I know I'm emotionally unstable to even begin a relationship with someone.

I don't see myself with the blue eyed guy.
I'm not attracted to him.
I see him as a friend to spend time with at most.

And all of it is Sebastian's fault.

See, I'm not willing to separate myself from Sebastian because he's in my comfort zone. I know I need to back away, but I'm too weak to let him go. He's always there, it's convenient and he gives me what I need.

Everything, but the emotional attachment that comes from being in a relationship. He won't give that to me.

We spent part of Saturday together when I asked him to come to Ikea with me to pick up my table (which I opted not to buy.) We had dinner and talked and he helped me pick up things for my apartment.

Then on Sunday, I woke up at 9 am, rolled around in my bed for a while, then decided to get up and go see him. I showed up at his place around 11 o'clock, and we just sat around, until he got a bug in his ass to go out and have a picnic. We went to Central Market on Westheimer and picked up salami (which wasn't too good) and brie (which was disgusting)(and I should know better- I'm French!), strawberries (good deal, $1.50 pk) sourdough baguette (not my favorite) and another type of sourdough bread, just not as sour.

We went to Memorial Park for the first time, where we had a relaxed 25 minutes before the ants started crawling on us and biting. Then we went to Phoenicia to check out their selection of salami. We've been looking for the good salami- the hard, not chewy and juicy kind- to no avail. I can't remember which kind we bought last. It's unnerving!!

Then we went back to his place and watched Weeds, got drunk (me, not him) and took care of business. 3 times. After the third time (or was it the second....?) it hit me again. The separation, and the comprehension that we weren't together, and would never be together.
He had made a comment early on in the day which had made me bitter. Then later that night, he had mentioned one of his exes again. "I should have married my Japanese ex. We'd still be together. Probably for good. "

We're not that type of friends to share those things.

I can't stand it. It shortens my breath, stings my eyes and hurts my heart to hear him say that. I'm right there still! So while I was still inebriated, I let what was really on my mind out. And it hurt. I told him he had been a man for ending our relationship, but not quite strong enough to put an end to it completely and let me grieve. I couldn't move on because he was still there. And I didn't want to move on because he was still there. I said I would be the one who'd be hurt in the end because what we had now was convenient for him. He was getting what he wanted, yet could still claim his single life. And I cautioned him that I'd be so angry when he'd move onto someone else because he claimed to not be ready to date me or anyone.

Then something hit me.

I had been too nice. I had made things too easy. It hadn't occurred to me that men want a challenge, or else they quickly lose interest. And that was what I had done. After my last boyfriend, I had changed. I had become very nice and attentive. I had become all the things that he wanted me to be but was to stubborn to do. And I had given Sebastian all of that when he didn't deserve it.

I have recently noticed that if I ignore Sebastian or become distant, he cuddles up with me and becomes even more amorous. If I don't give him attention, he comes looking for it. I noticed that I had to be a little tough with him as well to make it more interesting. And I never picked up on that. I was too busy being overly nice, and in the end, I was dumped.

I feel sorry for the next guy- cause I'm going to be a bitch to him.

It's a vicious cycle.

Date #2

I went on a second mini-date with the blue eyed guy after work. I ate lunch at work and so did he, so we weren't in the mood to have an early dinner that day, therefore decided to go get a coffee again. This time at Starbucks. Where it would be more intimate and relaxed.

He had agreed to meet some friends at 7pm so we couldn't hang out for too long. I enjoyed his company and I managed not to think too much about Sebastian. I didn't feel overwhelmed or short of breath either. No welling up either at this point. The blue eyed guy was very nice again. He was courteous and tried to get a handle on his foul mouth. Turns out he had already warned me he was very vulgar in person, but would make an exception with me because he didn't want to turn me off. And that he did. And I liked how respectful he'd been, and careful. I know he won't be able to hold it down for too long, but all that matters to me is him making good few first impressions at least so that I can get comfortable.

We talked about our plans for the weekend, and he mentioned he'd like to meet up sometime to do something. Since my grandma just arrived here from France this week, I've decided to reserve this weekend specifically for family. Sebastian had already asked me if I would be coming over as well. I told the blue eyed guy I would see if I had free time to hang out and let him know.

On the ride home, I thought a bit more about how I felt dating this guy. Sebastian was still there. In my heart and my mind, though not for very much longer. And as much as I loved spending time with Sebastian and cared for him, I knew he would just continue hurting me. Our conversations always include one of his exes, which drives me to jealousy over and over again. I'm sensitive to that, and would wish he'd leave it in the past. I'm pretty sure he doesn't do it out of malice, and I'm almost tempted to say he doesn't know how to dodge the subject. Yet, how difficult is it to say "I did that once" versus "My ex-wife and I did that once." Or even worse: "My ex-wife used to hate it when I'd lose my erection because there were kids around." I mean, really?? Do I have to know that?

I don't know, maybe I am too sensitive when he talks about his past- something which we did discuss once when we were still together. I agreed on his point of view, but am I wrong though to feel jealous when he talks about previous experiences with his exes- especially if it's sex?
Maybe this is the whole point of dating. Weeding out the bad ones, and finding out what you like and don't like. Not rushing things and not settling on the first guy that shows up.

Sebastian is great though. He's caring, sensitive and passionate.
Yet that EX factor will always be there, and that hurts.

I don't know how long I'll be able to keep the blue eyed guy under wraps. Or finally start taking him seriously. I know eventually I will have to come clean to Sebastian and put our special friendship to rest. Lately, I've heard him venture on and on about how happy he is being single. Sort of. To my face. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me, but deep down inside, I know we'll never be together.