"I don't think you'll ever settle down"

I didn't know how to take the diss. My brother said this to me when I saw him during vacation last December. Might I add that I'd only met him once before, when I was 16.

"You just don't strike me as the person who will one day get married."

I looked at him, wide eyes, unsure of what to make of it. How the hell could he come up with this conclusion anyway? I was just ending my 25th year at the time, single, and found it flabbergasting that he could say such a thing, especially since we didn't even know one another. In all my years, I'd only spoken to him twice.

Some people tend to view us singles as lost causes. Where the hell did it become a necessity to be involved in a relationship? My cousin added to the sting by asking me "You're single, so you're alone."

"Excuse me? I'm single but not alone" I bluntly told her.

"What does that mean?" she said

"It means that I date, but am not interested in a relationship. I go out and have fun with different guys" I told her. I'm personally not ready to give that up yet.

Some don't seem to understand this "dating" concept- especially the ones who are in committed relationships, yet, my older relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins are supportive of my decisions, and I know why.

"Being with someone for the rest of your life gets.... tedious.... even boring- especially if you marry really young" said an uncle. "Sure you have that comfort with one person, but I miss the excitement of being able to try someone something new."

My non-single friends see it the same way "It must be fun to be single- you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and you never have to answer to anyone."

Hallelujah- hell to the YES!! I don't want to be trapped yet.

I don't know what I want in a guy, which is why I'm still looking and dating. I want to live life, I want to experience it with different people, is that so bad?

Year's End

It has been... hold on let me check.... over a month since I last wrote anything at all. I've been busy with "other things" such as work, school, and work. Not much dating has been going, and my temper and patience are starting to wear out thin.

I recently went on a 2-week vacation to South America (which I will comment on in a future post) and I am still HAppiLy SINGle. Yes, believe the "sarcasm"- I am actually happy to be single.

I want to get through finals (tomorrow) before I can update on things that I've been doing in the meantime.

I will you see you all shortly.

-Ren

A double life: Cyber Stalking

It's time- the time has come for me to say goodbye. I must put you out of my life completely and resist the temptation to look back.

I'm talking about the last ex.

Yes. I, Renrexx, am guilty of cyberstalking!!!!

Yesterday, I came across a forum he had posted....... years ago. I read every entry and discovered his "double life." From 6 months into our relationship, we were engaged- yet, I had no clue because I had never said yes. I found out he was 15 when he lost his virginity (we were both 18), his dad had been in a coma (no such thing), he had gotten his own apartment (he didn't get it till he was 24) and car (still no car of his own) , and was on a trip across the US (never even happened. No car, remember?)

I was flabbergasted. I couldn't believe what I was reading, and unfortunately, I was mouth agape in shock.

It made me realize how much he needed others to know that he was not a failure, when he was just that. For 4 years I watched him struggle through life. He rested and relied upon me and never felt the motivation to start his life. I blame myself for that. I sheltered him too much, and didn't give him a reason to motivate himself. Not just that but I emasculated him as well. I don't think I'll ever forget or forgive myself for that.

Years later, I could see him committing the same mistake with the person he was dating and is with now. Except this time, the roles were reversed, and he was the one who felt the lack of motivation from her. How can he possibly expect her to make an effort when he won't? She's the one resting on him, and as he had told me a few times long ago "I know how you felt then. I know why you tried to push me so hard."

Although I felt so much sadness and despair for having left him in the first place, I can never forget the debt he incurred upon me. I was nice. I knew he was struggling, but he disrespected me from the beginning when he had no intentions of ever paying me back for what he borrowed. I need to admit that at first, it didn't bother me that he couldn't pay me back because I was fortunate enough to be able to pay it when I could. I also realized that this debt was one more reason to keep us connected…. in contact once every so often. I knew that as soon as that debt was repaid, I would never have a reason to talk to him.

I was the victim of gullibility and stupidity. He never paid a cent, and I wrote it off completely about a year and a half later. I can't respect him for that.

I think about him sometimes. I wonder how he is doing, and while I wonder if he's struggling or if he's comfortable, I tell myself that I have pushed forward because I wanted to. I can only hope that he has changed from what he was at 21 years old. I know I bit it completely, but I've picked myself up again and moved forward.

He is my past.....

I sincerely wish him the best.

Does this.....make me "narrowminded"??

I got a message from this random dude today saying he felt we had the same interests and wanted to talk. I checked his page, which didn't seem to detail any of our similarities. He wrote:

"Want to add. Your page needs like 2 forms of ID. lol Request and I'll make good on my word of QUALITY... :) "

I'm not one to add people just for the hell of it. I don't use myspace to meet guys or "network." My friend's list is rather small, and I prefer it that way because it's more personal. I know everyone by first and last name, and if that's not the case, that's because I found you or you found me due to our backgrounds (either French or Chilean), because I enjoy what you write (this is for you Stephanie) or because we met in person and then connected through Myspace.

I responded to him with the following:
"thanks for the kind words, but unfortunately, i won't add random people to my profile. my friends are the ones i know on a first and last name basis and also due to our nationalities. sorry you don't fit the criteria. but thanks for stopping by."

Realistically, I wasn't interested in adding a stranger to my list. I did that a few times at first, and there was awkward silence cause we never said anything else past the 2nd week. I guess he got pissed, and it's not like I'm taking it to heart, but this is what he responded:

"You didn't know your real friends at first. You had to get to know them. That's silly. Same as using race for bullshit criteria. I'm mixed -hispanic and black. If that bothers you then your narrow-mindness is a weakness. Deuce"

Is it just me or was he calling me a racist? I responded saying that I had no intentions on getting to know someone who completely turns on you cause they can't accept your reason.

I'm pretty sure anyone else would have ignored it, or just added the damn jerk, but since he'd written twice, I felt I owed him an explanation. It's just that it's a scary "world out there" and I'm trying my best to weed out the crazy nutcases who innocently pretend to share the same interest.

Any suggestions for the next time around?