"I don't think you'll ever settle down"

I didn't know how to take the diss. My brother said this to me when I saw him during vacation last December. Might I add that I'd only met him once before, when I was 16.

"You just don't strike me as the person who will one day get married."

I looked at him, wide eyes, unsure of what to make of it. How the hell could he come up with this conclusion anyway? I was just ending my 25th year at the time, single, and found it flabbergasting that he could say such a thing, especially since we didn't even know one another. In all my years, I'd only spoken to him twice.

Some people tend to view us singles as lost causes. Where the hell did it become a necessity to be involved in a relationship? My cousin added to the sting by asking me "You're single, so you're alone."

"Excuse me? I'm single but not alone" I bluntly told her.

"What does that mean?" she said

"It means that I date, but am not interested in a relationship. I go out and have fun with different guys" I told her. I'm personally not ready to give that up yet.

Some don't seem to understand this "dating" concept- especially the ones who are in committed relationships, yet, my older relatives, aunts, uncles and cousins are supportive of my decisions, and I know why.

"Being with someone for the rest of your life gets.... tedious.... even boring- especially if you marry really young" said an uncle. "Sure you have that comfort with one person, but I miss the excitement of being able to try someone something new."

My non-single friends see it the same way "It must be fun to be single- you can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and you never have to answer to anyone."

Hallelujah- hell to the YES!! I don't want to be trapped yet.

I don't know what I want in a guy, which is why I'm still looking and dating. I want to live life, I want to experience it with different people, is that so bad?

Oh so you're married now?

Roger and I had a thing a few years back. I was too naive to know that he was merely  sewing his wild oats and not looking for anything serious. He went away to Afghanistan for work on a 5-year contract and hardly heard from him since.

During the course of the year, he messaged me through Facebook when he would see me online, but we hardly talked about anything interesting. He did however begin to act quite differently.

He brought up "our past"- which I had long ago filed into my "do-not-ever-revisit" folder which had worked out quite effectively.

At one point, Roger asked me to marry him, and I deduced it to be run of the mill shit talk. I blamed it on being so far away, alone, in a desert with no female in sight and only an internet connection to the outside world. It was natural for him to fall on me, a backup from years before.

While on my trip to Chile in late November, Roger messaged me once more.

It didn't affect me in any way. If anything, I was surprised he thought that I was still the same gullible girl as before, who was more than willing to eat it all up. He told me he was coming back to Houston for a visit in late December, to which I took as an invitation to hang out.

Boy was I wrong....

On the night of Shannon's going-away dinner, we went to a popular Mexican restaurant which I'd frequented years before with Roger and the gang, when we all hung out as a group. As I was paying for my drink, I look up at the other side of the counter and see him, along with two of our other acquaintances (a couple).

I try shouting out for him, but the noise in the bar is so much that he can't hear me calling him. I get my cell phone out to call him, but get his voicemail right away. When I look up, he finally sees me and a stare of shock/surprise comes up on his face. I try to wave him over to say hi, but he ignores it completely and tells me to come over instead. I make my way over, hug him and say hello to the other couple. The guy looks surprised as well and articulates clearly "This is Mrs. West, Roger's wife" and points to the woman behind me with a warning look.

"Wife?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!" I tell her excitedly as I give her a welcome hug and introduce myself.

I turn around to look at Roger and give him a raised eyebrow and mouth "wife??" as he nervously looks away.

"When did you get married?" I ask

"5 days ago" she answers.

"Wooow. This is great!" I tell her.

I continue catching up with the other couple until our table is ready for dinner and I separate myself from them. I fill my friends in on the ordeal and tell them what had happened previously to which they say "%#@$ him."

At the end of our dinner, I decide to head over to say bye and feel someone grab me by the waist. I turn around, thinking that it was my gay friend, and come face to face with Roger who gives me a hug.

"So how you been?" he asks.

"You're married now? So was this before or after you proposed to me?" I ask him.

"Uuh....." he says as I trail off to find his friends.

I didn't care that he was married; if you ask me, he was duping everyone. What pissed me off was that he could be such an asshole. I know it's silly to think about it, and it was obvious that it wasn't actually real, but I can't help but think how many other girls he fed the same story to. I knew he hadn't changed, and I knew to keep my guard up- and for good reason obviously. He just wanted to get married. Didn't matter to who really.

Year's End

It has been... hold on let me check.... over a month since I last wrote anything at all. I've been busy with "other things" such as work, school, and work. Not much dating has been going, and my temper and patience are starting to wear out thin.

I recently went on a 2-week vacation to South America (which I will comment on in a future post) and I am still HAppiLy SINGle. Yes, believe the "sarcasm"- I am actually happy to be single.

I want to get through finals (tomorrow) before I can update on things that I've been doing in the meantime.

I will you see you all shortly.

-Ren

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

Will Karma get me?

I've come to the conclusion that things with the marine will most likely not move forward. We hardly ever talk these days as we're both incredibly busy with school, and the only contact we manage to have are the forced texts daily. Or what I presume to be at least.

So I've gone on both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid in search of my dashing prince. In actuality, my requirements are that he:

• be attractive enough to make me go WOW, 
• settled with a good job, or at least in school.
• not have kids

I'm really not in the mood for the 25 year old who's still searching himself in life. So it appears to be kind of difficult to find that combination as many guys may be attractive, but when they don't have a job or aren't going to school, their attractiveness level drops by about 90 points. Same goes with the nerd (which I prefer) who has his life in order, but is not physically attractive, which was the case with Virgin Boy Trevor.

While on OKCupid one day, I hit the option to be quick matched with someone. I kept browsing through profiles until it landed me on Trevor's page.

Crap!!!!

This wouldn't be so bad if he couldn't see on his end that I'd viewed his profile again.

Oh man, I hope he doesn't think anything of it.

I was wrong. About two days later, I received the following message from him:

I honestly and truthfully got teary eyed when I read his letter. I felt incredibly guilty and awful for what I'd done. Here was this guy professing his interest in me, but I couldn't muster to tell him that I didn't find him attractive enough to be with him. When he didn't call me back after the second time, I honestly thought I was off the hook. I wonder if he would of ever sent me a message if I hadn't landed on his page by mistake.

"It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident?? AN ACCIDENT!!" 

The more I thought about giving him a chance, the more I realized that quite possibly, in time, his character would be attractive enough to make me overlook the physical aspect. But for now, I couldn't, and I didn't want to settle.

So I responded......

After I'd sent the response, I realize how cold I must have sounded, but I felt this was the best way for him to know. From experience, people latch on if I'm not direct. They think I want to be chased when in reality, I don't want to be- by them. A million thoughts entered my mind. I thought "Shoot, maybe I should give him a chance"; "Maybe I should be his friend"; "Maybe I should call him tonight and invite him out"; "No, he'll get the wrong idea"; "If I date him, I know he's submissive and I'll walk all over him" etc. etc.

I know looks fade, but I'm not up for the task of teaching him everything- from kissing, to having sex, to dealing with feelings. I'm not a teacher, and in this case, I'd rather be the submissive one; I tend to treat guys better when I am.

The Marine

I managed to go on dates with 3 different guys in 2 weeks: 2 first dates, and 3 awkward dates that led to  no sex (see Trevor.) By the third week, I was beginning to lose my temper.

How can this be? Am I being too picky? Does the silence scare them?

Shortly after Sebastian broke up with me, I updated my POF profile and made it private. I browsed profiles and marked a few favorites and made a note back on my profile that said I wasn't ready to date yet, but would consider it soon in the future.

2 months later, finals had passed, and I was ready to begin dating again. And that's when I messaged Matt*. We talked for over a month every once in a while through AIM. I wasn't feeling much of a connection due to the vibe I was getting from him: He said the most random stuff through chat, and I found him to be childish. He would make jokes that didn't make sense and I soon realized we didn't have much in common.  And because of that, I began dating others to pass the time.  Matt hadn't made the actual effort to ask me out, and we had yet to speak on the phone (even though he had offered his number some time back, but I had declined.)

When dater #3 didn't work out, I decided to stop looking and give myself a break.  I wasn't putting too much effort in these dates, and I wasn't expressing enough interest in the guys.  Some of them did bore me at times, and I'm pretty sure I bored them too. There wasn't a significant click/spark between us to make me think "Wow, he could be the one."

The day following my failed attempt at dater #3, I began messaging Matt a lot more often.  He's a former marine who separated last year from the service and started going to school earlier this year for systems networking.  He gets benefits from The US Department of Veterans Affairs, and is on the G.I. Bill, so as long as he's in school, he gets a monthly stipend for housing etc.  He also works weekends at a restaurant as a waiter to make extra cash and keep himself busy.

Online, Matt would keep me company during the evenings while I did my homework.  Soon after, I asked for his number again and called him on Friday evening to chat for a while. The following day, we talked for a few hours before he went into work, and later called me after he got off near 1:30 am. We talked a lot more and I finally began developing an attraction for him.  It turned out that his weird and childish comments were actually his way of being sarcastic- which didn't translate quite well through AIM. We soon decided to meet up and went out for our first date this past Tuesday night.

He was an hour late due to the horrible traffic during rush hour and the rain.  I admit that I was feeling rather pessimistic about the whole thing and the thought that I might be stood up crossed my mind as well.  He came to pick me up and drove us to Olive Garden to have dinner.

Olive Garden..... that's where I had my first dinner dates with both Sebastian and BEG. Is this becoming a routine?

The restaurant was very loud and I felt like everyone around us could hear our conversation. After we were finished I nonchalantly mentioned Dave & Buster's which happened to be just around the corner. "Yeah! Let's go" he said. I thought he was joking and asked if he was kidding to which he said "No, I'm serious, I want to go. Let's go."

We spent about an hour there and soon after walked over to the water fountain (where Spiderman Ricky and I also went on our first date) to sit on the benches and just talked. And then something weird happened. We were silent for a few moments, and neither one of us found it awkward.

[Sighs]

Finally, someone who doesn't mind the silence.

I asked him what his plans for the weekend were and he mentioned that other than working at the restaurant, he didn't have any. "I'm supposed to work on Saturday, but I'm thinking of getting someone to cover my shift. Why? What are you doing?" he asked. I told him I was thinking of getting together with my girlfriends because I had the house to myself, but hadn't made any concrete plans.

Around 1:30 am, I told him it was time to go considering I still had to go back to my apartment to get clothes and drive to my mom's to spend the night (she's out in California for the next week, and I'm pet sitting.) Once at my apartment complex, he walks me up to my door and I thank him for a fun night and tell him "Just keep in mind what I told you about calling me. If you don't call the next day, I can take a hint."

I had previously told him that I didn't like the stupid 3-day waiting period that guys were convinced they needed to follow. If you like me, call me. If you don't call/text me the next day, no big deal, and I move on. I hate getting texts one week later. Sorry, but you're long off my list by then!

He laughed as he began climbing down the stairs and said "Ok, I'll call you tomorrow."

I began getting my bag ready and headed out the door when he calls me. "I just want to make sure you get home alright; you looked pretty sleepy" he said. "Oh thanks. Did you want to stay on the phone until I get home?" I asked him. "Yeah sure!" he answered.

Late last night, while talking on the phone, he asked me "So, did I wait long enough to call you back?" I laughed. "Actually, you surprised me. I really didn't expect you to call me 10 minutes later!"

We're hanging out again tonight after work. I can't wait.

I'm ready for this!

Feelings.....?

My first romantic interest in Houston was with a friend of a friend. Roger and I met one night at an outing with other people at a restaurant and later all went to a karaoke bar and had a lot of fun.  I never thought anything of it until he drunkenly told me "I really like you."

I wasn't physically attracted to him and the flattery made me extremely nervous. I remember hiding from him during the night because I didn't want to get pulled into a corner for a make-out session.  During the following months, I slowly began talking to him and actually became mesmerized that someone was paying attention to me; yes, I was very lonely.  I would drop everything when he'd suggest we go hang out and we'd always have a good time.  I thought we were dating, but then the calls weren't coming in as often as before, and the "Let me call you right back" soon turned into 3 days later.

I knew he still talked to his ex-girlfriend and it bothered me a lot, but since we weren't an item, I never said anything. When I noticed he wouldn't actually commit to me personally, I began to get a little rejected and sad. Though it hurt, I slowly began phasing him out of my romantic life.  The next few times that we would see each other, he would flirt like crazy with me and leave me confused and vulnerable.

During one drunken thanksgiving dinner party at a friend's house, we got together again in a bathroom and made out.  He tried to entice me to have sex, but it didn't happen.  As we all left later that night, he proposed I follow him home.

I never did.

I soon got a call from our mutual friend who said he didn't like what I had done with Roger in the bathroom, and cautioned me to be careful.  He didn't want me to get hurt, and knew I was a vulnerable and emotional girl, so he told me Roger was seeing his ex-girlfriend's sister.

It was definitely over from that day on. My feelings for him died out, and I moved on.

Over the years, we would see each other at parties and outings, but I never once felt "confused" or even vulnerable.  I remember feeling bitter for being set aside and called upon to his convenience, so I decided to be a big girl and not give three shits when he complimented me, or even kissed me during his buzzed/drunken moments.  It personally didn't bother me because I knew nothing would come of it.

Then last year, he went away to Afghanistan to work on satellite systems for the government.  We would briefly talk over MSN chat to keep each other company.  Yesterday, I told him I was going on a date and he wished me good luck. As soon as I was done with my side of the story, he ventured off into his "love life" with a girl he'd connected with over the internet who lived in the Philippines. He went on and on about how he could picture her as a wife and if when he met her next April it went good, he would ask her to marry him the following summer.  I was surprised that he'd actually think of taking it that far, and sincerely believed him to follow through. He was a responsible person and planned out his life appropriately.

Then this morning, he messaged me over MSN and I began telling him of my date with the guy last night. He motioned that he was happy for me and said:

Roger : you know even though I am talking to some one else I do not like the idea that you are.
Ren : what do you mean? do you mean it in third person?
Roger : Yes I want you to be happy, but I will always have feelings for you.
Ren : o....k.....Well you seemed pretty over it over the years; We both moved on right
Roger : sure
Ren : so then why are those feelings there?
Roger : I think they will always be there.
Ren : i haven't been in the picture for a while, so that was my cue to move on
Roger : idk. I am not saying we should get back together or anything. But I really did like you. And will always have feelings for you. I really did not like when you were with your last bf. I really hated the guy.


[gasp]

Ren : you only met him once, and you were really respectful, so i really appreciate that.
Roger : I met him like 5 or 6 times, And really hate his guts.


I really don't remember this....

Ren : why?
Roger : cause he had you.
Ren : he liked you. he was happy for me that you and i could still be friends after we'd dated
Roger : im just telling the truth
Ren : he hinted at one point that he wishe'd he could have that with me after breaking up the first time.
Roger : well im sorry thats just how i felt
Ren : but i'm glad you and i are friends. if we would of dated any longer, we would have lost that friendship
Roger : I sometimes think we would still be together.
Ren : I don't. The time passed and feelings i have for you now are strictly platonic. you're a good friend; you're loyal, you're a guide, you're a great support.
Roger : I would not change that.
Ren : and you shouldn't ever. that's what makes me keep you as my friend

I had let him go long ago. I had felt played (in a respectful sense) and my feelings for him had long died out.  He stopped calling and I knew it wasn't going to work out. I just couldn't believe he had at one point really liked me. I always felt I had been a distraction that had fizzled out......

I have a date

I have a first date on Saturday with a cute, shy, younger (24) guy I've been emailing for... wow, almost 2 weeks now. Though I admit he's not the most interesting character and BEG keeps telling me not to trust him, I can't help but think how harmful someone who can quote "The Sandlot" entirely can be.

When I suggested we watch the movie, along with The Boondock Saints because I'd never seen it, I asked which house. He asked me if I wouldn't mind meeting his mother and sister for the first time, which hints to me that he wants to go back to his mom's.

[sigh]

Yeah, sure, I guess that's entirely safe; it just feels weird.

Anyway, just thought I'd update on the lack of excitement I've been having this week. Maybe I'm just harder to please nowadays.....

One guy reminds me so much of BEG in the sense that he tries so hard! He seems hyperactive and even though he gives me quite a few chuckles, can't help but think how weird this guy is in real life. Plus, it doesn't help that he's 29 and doesn't want to work. He's actually separated from the NAVY and going back to school on the G-Bill. He's pretty content with the $1500 monthly allowance he gets and doesn't work. I'm sorry, but personally, his attraction level just dropped by about 30 points. He wants to meet, but I'm hesitant. He lives really far (about 40 miles away.)  Actually him and another guy are doing the same thing; the other guy does a part time waiting tables and is even more timid.

I've enrolled in summer school and will be started this coming Monday. Calculus and Computer applications. Wish me luck..... in more ways than one!

One week later, and still no date

I'm expecting a miracle.  I don't put in as much effort as I remember doing the first time I ventured off into online dating. However, I notice I've become a little  picky and shallow of potential candidates. That being said, I enjoy the entertainment these charming guys are able to give me.

• Dear Guy: I'm annoyed that you will only write me once every other day. Damnit, if you really want to date, step it up a little or don't write back at all! It leaves me on the fence as to whether or not you're really interested or if you're just bored.
• Please give me more than just "hi" or "how r u." Would you be happy if I only wrote back "Fine"?
• Screennames like dreamsnme, Splyff, and teddybear09 will just make me laugh at you. I hope you realize that it's an indication of your maturity/intelligence.
• DON'T YOU DARE put in "average" for body type if you're 30 lbs overweight and it SHOWS.
• Get rid of these pictures:
  




1)
2)
3)
4)
5)

1) I can't see your face, dumb*ss
2) Your last girlfriend took that picture after you two had sex
3) I can't tell if you're gay or straight
4) "Average" body type on your profile? Yeah, more like "Average Joe"
5) I had tears in my eyes after seeing this one


And just to let you know, I am sooooo sorry if I end up back on your profile 2 or 3 times again. The first time, I just browse. The second time I'm curious. And the third time, you all start to look the same and I'm just desperate because I haven't found anyone else.

Happy Dating!

I'm impatient with online dating

As you may recall, I went back onto POF to start looking for fresh fish again. I'd gone on a few dates in the past both before and in-between Sebastian. The dates had been fun(ish) but they hadn't materialized into anything due to my lack of commitment.

I updated my POF profile, made it public and left it there. I didn't get anything interesting the first day, and I admit I started getting impatient. I started looking elsewhere and considered joining eHarmony and Match and paying for it.  I figured that if a guy is willing to drop some money in a dating service, he must be serious about looking. Then I decided I should give it at least a week, considering that new people join everyday.

I did a quick search of comparisons of websites and fell on okcupid

It had a feel for POF and match.com. I liked it for the fact that it has an extensive amount of questions you can answer for others to see if they answer it publicly also.  It has a few different sections for information to fill out so as to give a viewer's head start on their background, life, likes/dislikes. I like it because I can put in as much information as I want and give the guy a chance to know about me before he can contact so to have something to talk about.

There are countless questions, so I actually had more fun filling out the questions than looking around. In the meantime, I've been exchanging emails with one guy who lives in Houston and has proven to hold my attention.  The only thing I'm concerned about is that he has been a serial monogamist and has never been in a "relationship" longer than 2 months, and has been single for a year.  My "shortest" relationship was that with Sebastian which lasted a year, so I'm hoping that didn't scare him off.

Our emails have gotten pretty long, but BEG is convinced that he's full of it.  I told him he was probably just jealous to which he said "a lot of my girl friends say that. I guess I'm just protective."

Um... thanks?

Meanwhile, my dad is home for Memorial Day weekend and I am pet sitting a friend's puppy. Her name is Luna:

The older man

I wrote about this man a while back here.

I was 18 when we met, but because I was so young, I couldn't think of him that way.  I had a boyfriend at the time who wasn't a big fan of him because he could sense the man had a crush on me. However, from lack of experience, I never noticed. 

About two years after I left California, I searched for his number and called him. We talked for a while and he came clean about liking me.  I was really nervous and he said "if only I was 10 years younger I would have asked you out." He's... twenty years older, so that should make him... around 44-45 now.

He asked me if I'd thought about him over the years and I lied and said no. He asked if i could ever consider him and I dating based on the age difference; And because the age difference bothered me so much I told him so. 

The only reason why I've thought about him recently is because I'm single and the guy was really respectful and nice. I was completely smitten. I have the urge to call him again to "catch up" but I have a fear that he'll take this as an interest in him and truth is, I'm not really sure how I feel. If only he was 10 years older, I would have already called him

You see, when you're younger, the age difference is pretty big, but when you get older the gap tends to close. It's been two years since I last spoke to him, and even though my feelings toward the age gap is still pretty strong, it's not as scary as it was during our conversation. I have been maturing..... at a much slower pace than I think I should be, but at my own pace, and I do notice the change. Being with Sebastian really set me straight. He was the first real man I was with, and because he was so much more mature than I was and had experienced much more, it forced me to catch up. He was.... a mentor in a way.

I doubt it'll ever turn into a real relationship with the older man because I'm personally still a bit uncomfortable with the age difference and what people would think, especially my family. Plus, how much in common would we really have? We grew up in different decades!

 

It's mainly a curiosity on my behalf to see how far it could go. I was actually daydreaming about him today and I felt my face burning up from nervousness- the same way you'd feel when meeting a potential flame. Silly I know.

 I'm confused. Do I call and "catch up" or do I forget about it completely and leave it in the "what could have happened, but I'll never know" pile?

I talked to BEG and another girlfriend about it. 
Their responses were virtually the same, but with their own flair:


His: "You are old enough to where age doesn't matter, but are you sure you just don't want a little.... you know what?" Quite possibly.

Hers: "Age doesn't mean anything. The heart wants what the heart wants." Honestly, my heart's not into it.

What's a backup?

I have to say my sexual demons have awoken more recently. I can see how much I've changed over the years; when I think back to all the things I said I'd never do, only to do them years later,I can't help but laugh. I feel as the more I mature, the better I'm able to deal with emotions and feelings and handle attachment issues.

Things with BEG have always been...... secretive. We've always shared "those talks"- you know, the ones you really shouldn't be having with a girl because you're already in a "committed relationship"? But with BEG, it's always been a game. I've never developed feelings for him, and it's mainly because the guy turns me off with his character. If there's a way to say something repulsive, he'll do it and not think twice about it.

This time he's in.... Singapore for work, and has been for over a month. He tells me repeatedly that he's sexually frustrated because he can't do anything about it. Somehow, we tend to gravitate towards each other to vent out.

Ren: say you weren't in a relationship with someone back home, would you still be having sex as often?
BEG: back home?
Ren: houston
BEG: oh I would have tried to of gotten it plenty of times here.  probably not as often, but idk.
Ren: no, i wasn't referring to the asian sex, but the Houstonian. do you have backups?
BEG: oh, idk, depends on if any girls will let me. Lol. I don't have official back-ups no
Ren: if only there was a "lightbulb" emoticon
BEG: what do you mean? idea?
Ren: exactly
BEG: what's the idea
Ren: "official" backups
BEG: lol, would be good to have I feel
Ren: never occurred to me before
BEG: wanna be mine if I'm ever single?
Ren: thought you'd never ask
BEG: sounds like a plan to me
Ren: agreed
Ren: hopefully you'll find me in the right mood
BEG: lol. what would a bad mood be?
Ren: not in the mood. it's not bad, it's just.... not clicking... it's not there
BEG: aw. Gotcha. so the official back up still means you have to be in the mood, how gay is that. j/k
Ren: haha. well no- the official back up means you come when i say so. pun intended.
BEG: lol. I think I can handle that

So this is what happens when you're single and bored. You devise a plan to get a "backup buddy."

I wonder if it'll ever come to materialize....

I caved into the internet

So I finally gave in and subscribed to the internet. It's fairly cheap considering the alternatives and I plan to use it for mainly one thing this summer:
 

DATING

Yes, I've finally decided after two months of being let go by Sebastian that it's time for me to move onto something new. I'm optimistic about the opportunity of dating again, but it sucks having to go back to square one with someone new. It's so much work getting to that comfort level. 

7:36pm. That was the time when I made my profile on POF public again. How long will it take?

I'm not looking at profiles. It's a lot of work having to sift through all those guys. It literally feels like I'm browsing for job positions. However, I know that I'll have to be the one to make the first move because with the last 4 guys I met, I initiated the conversation.[scoffs] Men!

But in the meantime, I've been deviously teasing a guy. That guy is BEG. And the reason why we engage in "naughty" conversations is because I am bored to tears; plus, the excitement gives me a rush considering he's in a relationship. We came to an agreement. Quite frankly, it surprised me plenty. I will delve into that the next time.......

I'm back to writing. I missed you guys.

The girl who's never been kissed

Peach is a girl who's never been kissed. She's 25 years old, going on 26 in January. And she's not that ugly.

Actually, when we were in high school, we all wanted to give her a makeover. Her wardrobe was still stuck in the 80s and her hair was horrible. She was part hispanic and black. She's really light skinned, but her hair was a disaster. She had premature graying, and it was brittle almost to the point of breaking. She practically had her hair in one big braid or a bun all year long.

And she was a pushover. She was extremely nice and very intelligent, but everyone walked over her. She was so nice to the point of getting on our last nerves. And she was poor. She had to rely on other people for transportation, and because she couldn't give anything in return, she was forgotten.

My friend used to give her a ride to school in the morning. She did it for about 2 weeks and gave up because she didn't deem her cool enough to hang out with us. I can't blame her; When you're young, you're immature and you stick with the people that are like you. My friend came from a wealthy family and didn't want to be stuck with a poor girl in our group. Plus, this girl was very innocent. She practically had virgin ears, and we always had to watch our mouths. What's fun about lunch period when you can't make lewd jokes?

Peach, found me on facebook, and as I could expect, she was still the same. She was stuck working the same crap ass job at Kmart, while attending University. She lived at home helping her mom with her siblings, and she didn't have a car. My guesses are she helped her family financially. She's about to graduate next year with her bachelor's and I'm hoping she can get a real job and make a life for herself; although I don't see her making a fortune with a Sociology degree.

I can't help but wonder if the reason why she's still dateless and a virgin is because of her relationship with God. She's very spiritual and turns to God for everything. I agree that some of it can be a drag to a guy, hell, it was a bit of a downer when I dated a very religious Catholic. He would cut our dates short to go to mass in the evenings.

WTF?

Is it a turn off when you meet someone and you have to be careful with your words? At this point, all I can assume is that she'll have to meet someone from church. Then again, some guys may appear to be completely innocent, when most of them want sex.

Being Single Sucks... sort of

There was a point in my life where I had an enormous amount of time all to myself. It was both sad and satisfying. I think as a result, I've developed acute depression. I used to be chipper, and hyper as hell. Then, I moved out of California, away from the sunshine, to Houston and got stuck with the unbearable humidity in return. I spent 4 months in Houston, recently single, without a car, job or school until I decided I'd had enough. I went to France for a little under 6 months to try to knock some joy into my life.

It was probably the worst feeling ever.

I got to reconnect with some old classmates and relatives, but the only thing I was after was attention. I needed comfort and compassion. I needed to be held. I needed to feel wanted and loved again. It never happened. I ended up falling for the wrong guys that wouldn't give anything in return, or worse- desperately accepting anyone who would.

I came back to Houston the following year, with a chip on my shoulder the size of an iceberg. My whole purpose of trekking out to another country was to experience excitement and adventures. Though I got to pick up the language again and managed to create some lasting friendships, I was not the same person I had been.

I was quieter. I still loved to laugh and make jokes with my family, but over time, I became bitter and more negative. I had (and still have) low self esteem, so I always felt that I was never good enough. For almost two years, my friend in France talked to me every single day via MSN. Being single, he could understand the frustration I was experiencing at the moment.

But I found the time to do my own things. I managed to finish my 2 year degree in record time, and for the first time ever, I wasn't actively looking for a partner. I was happy being single. I repeatedly told myself that if I was involved with someone, I would forget about everything else and push my priorities aside- which I did when I started dating at the beginning of this year.

Being single meant being able to do whatever I wanted, at anytime. Granted that I was still living at home and wasn't able to leave at 10pm for say, a visit to the pub, I still enjoyed the ocasional movie in bed. I started watching various series and reading books I'd purchased without looking.  There were no dinners, no trips to the movies, and no one to do special activities with.

In a sense, being single gives you freedom. But being single also gives you solitude, which is dangerous for a person like me. You start to question your entire existence in search of reasoning.

Luckily I've met people along the way, and even though I don't actively spend time with them because they are usually in large groups and I'm rather shy, I still enjoy the ocassional dinner and talk with some of them.