Oh so you're married now?

Roger and I had a thing a few years back. I was too naive to know that he was merely  sewing his wild oats and not looking for anything serious. He went away to Afghanistan for work on a 5-year contract and hardly heard from him since.

During the course of the year, he messaged me through Facebook when he would see me online, but we hardly talked about anything interesting. He did however begin to act quite differently.

He brought up "our past"- which I had long ago filed into my "do-not-ever-revisit" folder which had worked out quite effectively.

At one point, Roger asked me to marry him, and I deduced it to be run of the mill shit talk. I blamed it on being so far away, alone, in a desert with no female in sight and only an internet connection to the outside world. It was natural for him to fall on me, a backup from years before.

While on my trip to Chile in late November, Roger messaged me once more.

It didn't affect me in any way. If anything, I was surprised he thought that I was still the same gullible girl as before, who was more than willing to eat it all up. He told me he was coming back to Houston for a visit in late December, to which I took as an invitation to hang out.

Boy was I wrong....

On the night of Shannon's going-away dinner, we went to a popular Mexican restaurant which I'd frequented years before with Roger and the gang, when we all hung out as a group. As I was paying for my drink, I look up at the other side of the counter and see him, along with two of our other acquaintances (a couple).

I try shouting out for him, but the noise in the bar is so much that he can't hear me calling him. I get my cell phone out to call him, but get his voicemail right away. When I look up, he finally sees me and a stare of shock/surprise comes up on his face. I try to wave him over to say hi, but he ignores it completely and tells me to come over instead. I make my way over, hug him and say hello to the other couple. The guy looks surprised as well and articulates clearly "This is Mrs. West, Roger's wife" and points to the woman behind me with a warning look.

"Wife?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!" I tell her excitedly as I give her a welcome hug and introduce myself.

I turn around to look at Roger and give him a raised eyebrow and mouth "wife??" as he nervously looks away.

"When did you get married?" I ask

"5 days ago" she answers.

"Wooow. This is great!" I tell her.

I continue catching up with the other couple until our table is ready for dinner and I separate myself from them. I fill my friends in on the ordeal and tell them what had happened previously to which they say "%#@$ him."

At the end of our dinner, I decide to head over to say bye and feel someone grab me by the waist. I turn around, thinking that it was my gay friend, and come face to face with Roger who gives me a hug.

"So how you been?" he asks.

"You're married now? So was this before or after you proposed to me?" I ask him.

"Uuh....." he says as I trail off to find his friends.

I didn't care that he was married; if you ask me, he was duping everyone. What pissed me off was that he could be such an asshole. I know it's silly to think about it, and it was obvious that it wasn't actually real, but I can't help but think how many other girls he fed the same story to. I knew he hadn't changed, and I knew to keep my guard up- and for good reason obviously. He just wanted to get married. Didn't matter to who really.

When dating backfires

I met up with Matt at Ikea after work on Tuesday and managed to spend about 2.5 hours just walking around, flirting.  I admit it wasn't awkward and we behaved rather well, like a couple in the honeymoon phase.

I invited him back to my house, and went into the bathroom to freshen up. Soon after, I join him in the living room and we begin watching TV.  Some time later, things progress and heat up. And those 5 little words creep up: "Do you have a condom" I ask. "Yeah" he answers.

Finally!! He's up. Oh.... way up this time. I guess he got some fuel earlier today.

We move things into the bedroom- my parent's bedroom to be precise, and manage to take care of business, much more efficiently this time.

Oh wow, this time was much better than the last.

Once finished, Matt disposes of the evidence in the kitchen trashcan and quickly heads into the living room to get dressed.

Hmmm, mmmmh, okay. I guess he's in a hurry to go somewhere.

We lie back on the couch and continue watching TV for a good hour or so, making a few jokes every now and then. Soon enough, things become warm again and I "somehow" get down to my skivvies.

"Do you have another condom?" I ask him.

He doesn't respond.

"You know we can't then" I tell him.

He continues taking off his pants, fumbling to get them off of his legs.

"So do you?" I ask him again.

From underneath, he produces a second wrapper as I hear the hallelujah chorus in my head.

Ca-ching! Round #2.

We begin on the couch until he tells me to go into the bedroom. I climb off, underestimating my own equilibrium and nearly fall to the ground.

"Oh my god, my legs are so weak" I say laughing, "I can't walk!"

My legs managed to cramp up and fall asleep, to the point where I stumbled into the bedroom. Once there, Mark puts me on the bed and without skipping a beat, gets down to business.  Everything is great when all of a sudden he grabs me by the hair and pulls it down into my back. Hard.

Ooh, kinky. 

I try to straighten out and bring my neck forwards, but he continues tugging at my long hair.

Ow!! WTF?? Let go of my hair!

Suddenly, I can't move my head. He's got my hair in a fist grabbed so tightly that the more I struggle, the harder he pulls.

"You like that?" he asks

Huh, I guess he's one of those hair-pulling guys.

"Mmh hmm" I manage to muster, hoping that he'll release my head from his fist of fury.

He continues working when I tell him to go faster as I'm close to completion. He finally comes and lays on me for a while until he rolls off the bed and takes off the condom.

We go back into the living room and continue watching TV for a while until a few hours later when he has to leave home. I get attached and don't want to see him go as I walk him over to the door.

The next day at work, he texts me a couple of times and we make small conversation. I call him later that evening to see if he's available to hang out the next evening considering he doesn't work or have school. "I'm not sure. Depends on how I'm feeling."

What??

"Well, nevermind then"  I tell him.

"Are you offended?" he asks.

"Well, you either know it or you don't [if you want to hang out] None of this 'We'll see' [crap]" I answer viciously.

"Well, it's just that it's been a while since I've had some time off to myself. I've been busy with school and work and I want a breather" he says.

I didn't know going out with me was such hard work. If it's that big a deal for you to drive to my side of town, I'm open to going to yours. It hurts that I'm being rejected this way.

The following day, I ask him if he can hang out Friday, and we go through the same dance, except this time he says "I work tomorrow."

"I thought you said you only worked morning and early afternoons" I mentioned.

"I do, but sometimes I get off at 5pm" he answers.

That's it. I've had it. I can take a hint. So I get the courage and say what's on my mind. "Ok, I don't want to get hurt. I like you, but I really don't know if you like me. I don't want to get strung around because I've done it before and I didn't like it" I tell him.

He remains quiet on the line and begins again "It's not that I don't want to hang out with you. But my school is my top priority, you know what I mean? I went into the military to be able to get school paid for, so I don't want to fall behind and mess with this opportunity. I took these courses over the summer, but I didn't think I was going to have such a hard time with them. On the other hand, I think we moved way too fast the last couple of days" he said, referring to sex.

"I agree, but it's a little too late now to slow down. What happened already happened. You can't change it" I told him.

"I know it's partially my fault. I never should have let things progress the way they did. That was just way too soon" he said.

He had mentioned that his previous two girlfriends and he had waited at minimum a couple of months before engaging in a sexual relationship. We met on a Tuesday and had sex on that Friday. And I have to be a big girl and realize that I made a mistake.

"Well, you've already turned me down twice, so I'm not going to ask you again when we can hang out" I told him.

"What do you mean? I haven't turned you down twice" he said.

"Yes, you said you wouldn't be able to hang out yesterday, and now tomorrow too" I explained.

"But I didn't say we couldn't hang out on Friday. I can come to your side of town" he said.

We made plans to meet up on Friday, but we had such bad rain that day, that I told him it would be best if he didn't drive out. There was a lot of flooding and I didn't want him to risk being stranded at midnight, considering I had to leave to pick up my mom at the airport later that night.

I talked to my friend Roger, who I had been "romantically involved" with a few years ago and he asked me about my dating situation.  I told him the truth and he mentioned that I was making a faux-pas and not making them wait long enough. "We dated for months and you never gave it up for me. What happened?" he asked.

"I'm sexually frustrated and my backup isn't available. I realize now that I made a mistake and I will learn from it." I told him.

Honestly, it never occurred to me that sleeping with someone too soon would have its consequences. I haven't had that many sexual partners, and it didn't happen with Sebastian when we slept together one week after we'd met, but I guess the timing was just right. We'd talked so much on the phone and went out a few times during that week leading up to it. But now I know that with Matt, things weren't as easy.  We aren't a couple and we're not exclusive in a sense.

I noticed on POF that he was still regularly logging into his account and asked him if he was dating around. "No, I don't have the time. You're the only person I'm talking to on a regular basis. I get messages, but I don't reply to them" he told me.

Lately, we haven't talked on the phone as much, and when we do, we only talk for a while until one of us has to call the other one back. He'll text sometimes, but it just feels empty.

I screwed up, and I need to take this as a serious lesson. I never would have known how to deal with it if it hadn't happened to me, so in a sense, I take this experience as a "positive" but ugly occurrence.

I know what to do now.

"Just get a bigger toy" Roger recommended.

Feelings.....?

My first romantic interest in Houston was with a friend of a friend. Roger and I met one night at an outing with other people at a restaurant and later all went to a karaoke bar and had a lot of fun.  I never thought anything of it until he drunkenly told me "I really like you."

I wasn't physically attracted to him and the flattery made me extremely nervous. I remember hiding from him during the night because I didn't want to get pulled into a corner for a make-out session.  During the following months, I slowly began talking to him and actually became mesmerized that someone was paying attention to me; yes, I was very lonely.  I would drop everything when he'd suggest we go hang out and we'd always have a good time.  I thought we were dating, but then the calls weren't coming in as often as before, and the "Let me call you right back" soon turned into 3 days later.

I knew he still talked to his ex-girlfriend and it bothered me a lot, but since we weren't an item, I never said anything. When I noticed he wouldn't actually commit to me personally, I began to get a little rejected and sad. Though it hurt, I slowly began phasing him out of my romantic life.  The next few times that we would see each other, he would flirt like crazy with me and leave me confused and vulnerable.

During one drunken thanksgiving dinner party at a friend's house, we got together again in a bathroom and made out.  He tried to entice me to have sex, but it didn't happen.  As we all left later that night, he proposed I follow him home.

I never did.

I soon got a call from our mutual friend who said he didn't like what I had done with Roger in the bathroom, and cautioned me to be careful.  He didn't want me to get hurt, and knew I was a vulnerable and emotional girl, so he told me Roger was seeing his ex-girlfriend's sister.

It was definitely over from that day on. My feelings for him died out, and I moved on.

Over the years, we would see each other at parties and outings, but I never once felt "confused" or even vulnerable.  I remember feeling bitter for being set aside and called upon to his convenience, so I decided to be a big girl and not give three shits when he complimented me, or even kissed me during his buzzed/drunken moments.  It personally didn't bother me because I knew nothing would come of it.

Then last year, he went away to Afghanistan to work on satellite systems for the government.  We would briefly talk over MSN chat to keep each other company.  Yesterday, I told him I was going on a date and he wished me good luck. As soon as I was done with my side of the story, he ventured off into his "love life" with a girl he'd connected with over the internet who lived in the Philippines. He went on and on about how he could picture her as a wife and if when he met her next April it went good, he would ask her to marry him the following summer.  I was surprised that he'd actually think of taking it that far, and sincerely believed him to follow through. He was a responsible person and planned out his life appropriately.

Then this morning, he messaged me over MSN and I began telling him of my date with the guy last night. He motioned that he was happy for me and said:

Roger : you know even though I am talking to some one else I do not like the idea that you are.
Ren : what do you mean? do you mean it in third person?
Roger : Yes I want you to be happy, but I will always have feelings for you.
Ren : o....k.....Well you seemed pretty over it over the years; We both moved on right
Roger : sure
Ren : so then why are those feelings there?
Roger : I think they will always be there.
Ren : i haven't been in the picture for a while, so that was my cue to move on
Roger : idk. I am not saying we should get back together or anything. But I really did like you. And will always have feelings for you. I really did not like when you were with your last bf. I really hated the guy.


[gasp]

Ren : you only met him once, and you were really respectful, so i really appreciate that.
Roger : I met him like 5 or 6 times, And really hate his guts.


I really don't remember this....

Ren : why?
Roger : cause he had you.
Ren : he liked you. he was happy for me that you and i could still be friends after we'd dated
Roger : im just telling the truth
Ren : he hinted at one point that he wishe'd he could have that with me after breaking up the first time.
Roger : well im sorry thats just how i felt
Ren : but i'm glad you and i are friends. if we would of dated any longer, we would have lost that friendship
Roger : I sometimes think we would still be together.
Ren : I don't. The time passed and feelings i have for you now are strictly platonic. you're a good friend; you're loyal, you're a guide, you're a great support.
Roger : I would not change that.
Ren : and you shouldn't ever. that's what makes me keep you as my friend

I had let him go long ago. I had felt played (in a respectful sense) and my feelings for him had long died out.  He stopped calling and I knew it wasn't going to work out. I just couldn't believe he had at one point really liked me. I always felt I had been a distraction that had fizzled out......