Feelings.....?

My first romantic interest in Houston was with a friend of a friend. Roger and I met one night at an outing with other people at a restaurant and later all went to a karaoke bar and had a lot of fun.  I never thought anything of it until he drunkenly told me "I really like you."

I wasn't physically attracted to him and the flattery made me extremely nervous. I remember hiding from him during the night because I didn't want to get pulled into a corner for a make-out session.  During the following months, I slowly began talking to him and actually became mesmerized that someone was paying attention to me; yes, I was very lonely.  I would drop everything when he'd suggest we go hang out and we'd always have a good time.  I thought we were dating, but then the calls weren't coming in as often as before, and the "Let me call you right back" soon turned into 3 days later.

I knew he still talked to his ex-girlfriend and it bothered me a lot, but since we weren't an item, I never said anything. When I noticed he wouldn't actually commit to me personally, I began to get a little rejected and sad. Though it hurt, I slowly began phasing him out of my romantic life.  The next few times that we would see each other, he would flirt like crazy with me and leave me confused and vulnerable.

During one drunken thanksgiving dinner party at a friend's house, we got together again in a bathroom and made out.  He tried to entice me to have sex, but it didn't happen.  As we all left later that night, he proposed I follow him home.

I never did.

I soon got a call from our mutual friend who said he didn't like what I had done with Roger in the bathroom, and cautioned me to be careful.  He didn't want me to get hurt, and knew I was a vulnerable and emotional girl, so he told me Roger was seeing his ex-girlfriend's sister.

It was definitely over from that day on. My feelings for him died out, and I moved on.

Over the years, we would see each other at parties and outings, but I never once felt "confused" or even vulnerable.  I remember feeling bitter for being set aside and called upon to his convenience, so I decided to be a big girl and not give three shits when he complimented me, or even kissed me during his buzzed/drunken moments.  It personally didn't bother me because I knew nothing would come of it.

Then last year, he went away to Afghanistan to work on satellite systems for the government.  We would briefly talk over MSN chat to keep each other company.  Yesterday, I told him I was going on a date and he wished me good luck. As soon as I was done with my side of the story, he ventured off into his "love life" with a girl he'd connected with over the internet who lived in the Philippines. He went on and on about how he could picture her as a wife and if when he met her next April it went good, he would ask her to marry him the following summer.  I was surprised that he'd actually think of taking it that far, and sincerely believed him to follow through. He was a responsible person and planned out his life appropriately.

Then this morning, he messaged me over MSN and I began telling him of my date with the guy last night. He motioned that he was happy for me and said:

Roger : you know even though I am talking to some one else I do not like the idea that you are.
Ren : what do you mean? do you mean it in third person?
Roger : Yes I want you to be happy, but I will always have feelings for you.
Ren : o....k.....Well you seemed pretty over it over the years; We both moved on right
Roger : sure
Ren : so then why are those feelings there?
Roger : I think they will always be there.
Ren : i haven't been in the picture for a while, so that was my cue to move on
Roger : idk. I am not saying we should get back together or anything. But I really did like you. And will always have feelings for you. I really did not like when you were with your last bf. I really hated the guy.


[gasp]

Ren : you only met him once, and you were really respectful, so i really appreciate that.
Roger : I met him like 5 or 6 times, And really hate his guts.


I really don't remember this....

Ren : why?
Roger : cause he had you.
Ren : he liked you. he was happy for me that you and i could still be friends after we'd dated
Roger : im just telling the truth
Ren : he hinted at one point that he wishe'd he could have that with me after breaking up the first time.
Roger : well im sorry thats just how i felt
Ren : but i'm glad you and i are friends. if we would of dated any longer, we would have lost that friendship
Roger : I sometimes think we would still be together.
Ren : I don't. The time passed and feelings i have for you now are strictly platonic. you're a good friend; you're loyal, you're a guide, you're a great support.
Roger : I would not change that.
Ren : and you shouldn't ever. that's what makes me keep you as my friend

I had let him go long ago. I had felt played (in a respectful sense) and my feelings for him had long died out.  He stopped calling and I knew it wasn't going to work out. I just couldn't believe he had at one point really liked me. I always felt I had been a distraction that had fizzled out......