Sunday, September 18, 2011

I know someone with AIDS

I hung out with my cousin from California at the mall the other day while she was visiting her dad for the week.  We caught up on a lot of stuff- family, friends and boyfriends. I hadn't seen her older brother who was now living in NYC since the one time I'd gone to visit the city, in March 2009. Back then, my cousin had suggested I come visit him and had offered to let me stay at his place. I planned my trip, and my good friend also booked her flight to go visit her family in New Jersey.

My intentions were to sleep at my cousin's and meet up with my friend during the day to go out and explore the city. However, my cousin pulled a disappearing act and never returned my calls or texts about my incoming visit. I was very disappointed. I ended up staying with my friend's family instead, but managed to get a visit in the city with my cousin and his boyfriend. Yes, he is gay.

However, the visit was rather tense, and things with the boyfriend sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Since then, I haven't spoken to my cousin. When I hold grudges, I hold on to them for years.

Fast forward a few years to that day with my cousin at the mall, and I explain to her that I hadn't talked to him since then because of what had happened.

"When was this?" she asked.
"Around spring of 2009, why?" I asked.
"Well, ok, I know he was going through a hard time, right around that period-" she said.
"Oh yeah, I remember. My mom told me he'd landed in the hospital for like a month, with pneumonia or something" I continued.
"Yeah, but..... okay, you can't say this to anyone- not your mom, dad- no one, but my brother has full blown AIDS."
My mind went completely blank.
"Oh wow. Not HIV? But AIDS?" I asked to make sure.
"Yeah, AIDS" she responded

I didn't ask her too much about it, but he's known for three years now. He doesn't know how long he's had it because he started being promiscuous years ago when he was a teenager (I think he's 28-29 now.) Over the years, he just kept getting really sick, having problems holding his bowels, until finally he ended up in the hospital. I remember my mom telling me about the hospital stint, but I never assumed it would be because of AIDS. You just can't think of things like that.

His boyfriend and he have been together for over three years now, and when I asked if he'd gotten tested, my cousin told me he didn't want to. It was moot at this point. He didn't care if he had it.

No one else knows- my aunt doesn't want to tell anyone in the family because of the stigma attached to it and I can understand. I mean, she didnt tell my parents that he was gay until this summer. I've known for 3 years so far.

I felt bad for him, because I couldn't possibly imagine how his life had changed since he'd found out, and I haven't spoken to him since exchanging a Facebook hello in the last few weeks. What's more difficult is that I'm not supposed to know, so I can't express any concern or offer encouragement, so to me it's like, he's fine. Nothing's wrong and it's a lie I have to hide.

Be smart. Protect Yourself.

Friday, September 16, 2011

"You have boyfren?"

Things with the IT Pilot were becoming a routine. I would go over to his place on Friday after work to spend the weekend there as his apartment was much more interesting and  bigger than mine. He had all the coolest gadgets and all shows available on his TV. There was only cable TV at my 500 sqft apartment, and we'd definitely have a case of cabin fever.

Not to say I didn't slowly begin to experience cabin fever over there as well.....

I mentioned to him that I wanted to take him to a Colombian restaurant because I like their food, and it is somewhat similar to our Chilean culture.

"Why don't you take me to a Chilean restaurant since you don't want me to meet your mother" he countered.

~~~Rewind a few weeks earlier~~~
While my sisters were out in California for the summer, I had taken the opportunity to take my mom to play bingo a few times. She had liked it, and since the IT Pilot wasn't yet in the picture, my mother and I had grown used to going together on Thursdays. When the IT Pilot asked to go to Bingo one week, I told him I'd have to cancel on my mom. He said "She can come too if you don't mind her meeting me."

I wasn't ready for that, especially not since I'd been dumped the previous month. I told my mom the truth, and I told the IT Pilot that I was going with him alone instead. Later on he had asked me what I'd told my mother, and I just said I told her I was going with a friend that week. He didn't need to know specifics.

"Haha" I said, avoiding the obvious. "That's not true! Plus, I would take you to one, but there isn't one here in Houston anymore! It closed."

We were soon spending all weekends together, trying to come up with ideas as to where we could take a weekend trip. We had discussed Austin and New Orleans, but the heat has been so terrible lately we've decided to postpone until it cools down a bit. We were getting along better, and coming up with our own inside jokes.

One of our favorite comedy bits were Achmed, the dead terrorist puppet from Jeff Dunham's comedy show, and Anjelah Johnson's nail salon skit. At one point, I used Anjelah's famous line "You have boyfren?" on him, to which he replied, "No, I have girlfriend."

It didn't hit me at first, until just recently. Guys don't necessarily use titles. Most of the time, they say they are dating, which is the equivalent to what a girl would refer as a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. They are exclusive, but for some strange reason, titles scare them off. So since he had used the "girlfriend" term, did it mean our relationship had become official? Or was he joking around?

For me, it's more of... the other way around, if there are no titles attached, then it's fair game, and I can technically still date if I want to. It's not cheating.

But no Facebook status updates happening anytime soon. Even though we get along, I'm still one foot in, one foot out. There's not telling where the road will take us.

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Am I a secret?

The week after I came back from California, the IT Pilot returned from his business trip/mini-vacation. He had left to see his family in Alabama to spend his birthday and his mother's, then had driven back into Louisiana for work. We hadn't seen each other in nearly two weeks and when we saw each other we hugged each other for a long time "Wow, you're tan!" he remarked. "I missed you. I guess the pilot took care of my precious cargo after all. Did you miss me?" he commented. "I missed your penis" I said teasingly.

We went out for dinner that night, when I found out that my group of french "friends" were just a few doors down at the restaurant having their weekly meetup meeting. I knew they would go to a bar nearby later on, so I asked the IT Pilot if he'd be up to going to say hi for a little bit next door. He hesitated, and I pushed on the fact that we wouldn't drink, and that it would only be a quick meeting. He said Ok.

After dinner we walked over to the frozen yogurt place to have dessert, and my friend texted me to say they'd be over at one of the bars down the street. I asked the IT Pilot if he knew where it was, to which he said yes, and I asked him again if we could stop in.

We finished with dessert, and I started walking on the other side of the sidewalk, getting ready to cross the street when he pulls out his keys and starts heading for his car door.

"I thought we were going to the bar to say hello to my friends?" I asked.
"Oh, you still want to go?" he replied.

WTF? If I didn't want to go, I wouldn't have asked you! It was obvious he didn't want to go meet my friends, and would rather go home. I let out a sigh of defeat and quietly got in the car. The moment was gone. I didn't want to go anymore.

He turned on the car and told me again "If you want to go, we can go." He pulled out of the parking lot and began driving in the opposite direction and continued "I can still turn the car around, just tell me, we can still go. Yes? No?"

"No, let's just go home" I replied, defeated.

I was upset and didn't say a word until we got home. Here's the thing- when I'm upset about something, I get silent. I don't say anything, I don't acknowledge anything, and just ignore the other person. It's the only way I can control myself from pulling a Shaniqua on them. We got home and turned on the TV, and watched for a while until I got ready for bed and went into the bedroom. He followed shortly after and got into bed with me and asked "What's wrong?"

"Nothing" I replied.
"No, something's wrong. I can tell something's bothering you" he pressed.

I was relieved he could tell I wasn't acting the same, and that saying "nothing" wasn't the truth. I remained quiet for a few moments, until I finally opened up.

"I was kept a secret from my ex for the entire year we were together. I never met his friends, they didn't know who I was, and we hardly ever went out. When you didn't want to meet my friends tonight, it made me feel like you didn't want to be seen with me, as if you were ashamed or something. So it just brought back memories" I said.
"No, it wasn't that at all. I didn't really feel like going because it was late and I knew we'd end up spending at least an hour there, and I was tired" he said.

I had opened up, and he had listened. At least he was getting that right.  The next morning I left a sticky note on the door thanking him for listening to my concerns and wishing him a good day. Later on that morning, he texted me with : "I wouldn't expect anything less from you ;) Have a good day too."

Monday, September 12, 2011

Mr. Rogers

The more time I spent with the IT Pilot, the more I found out he was just too relaxed. He reminded me a lot of my previous boyfriend, Sebastian. In a way they were both very similar. Sebastian and I spent most of our time at his apartment, watching movies, TV shows online and having sex. A lot of sex. We went out for dinners on a weekly basis, but Sebastian knew how to cook, so he cooked often. He could prepare great meals.  However, Sebastian didn't turn down any opportunity to go out and explore and do something new. Although we didn't get to travel a lot (just two trips: Austin and Europe) we were just fine staying home. We never got bored.

 The IT Pilot likes to stay home too much. He doesn't like to go out in crowds, doesn't really like to go out drinking, and doesn't try new things often. It was starting to get to the point where everything I suggested, he'd turn down. He didn't want to experiment or come out of his comfort zone. He's like Mr. Rogers, but behind a computer.

That weekend, I took him out for dinner to celebrate his birthday since we hadn't been together the previous weekend. I was hoping I'd get him in the mood to experiment some nightlife, but he turned down my suggestions. At one point, I even propositioned him a strip club or gay bar, hoping he would pick either one, but he passed up on both, and said he'd rather just go home and watch a movie.


It was beginning to become a problem. I told him "You don't like to go out do you?" "Not particularly" he said. "Well have you ever tried?" I pressed on.

"Yeah, and I didn't like it" he responded.
"Hmmmm. Maybe it was the company you were with" I said.
"Well, how often did you go out before you met me?" he inquired.
"Probably once a week or so" I answered.
"And that was when you were single right? With all your other single girlfriends?" he pressed.

Well played my man.

I could understand his point, but I was hoping he could accept my point of view as well. Just because we are "together" doesn't mean we have to resort to being couped in all weekend. That shit is gonna get boring quickly. And it's not like I want to go out every single weekend either; I just ask him every weekend because he doesn't accept any of my offers. To him it probably sounds like I need to go out all the time; that's not true. I like going out, but I would prefer to go out with him, not by myself.

We've fallen into a routine. We go out to eat, we come home, lay out on the couch, turn on the TV and pass out. We wake up hours later and move over to the bedroom and resume sleeping.

I feel like an old couple.

Where is the spice??

Saturday, September 10, 2011

Vacation in Cali

I had a great time out in California. I spent a few days out in San Luis Obispo and the surrounding beaches where I tanned like crazy. I also went out to Hollywood and to Venice Beach/Santa Monica for the day. The weather was incredibly amazing, not breaking 80 degrees, compared to our unbearable sticky 100+ back at home in Houston.

I also went out to my hometown to surprise my best friend for dinner. Her new husband and our other friend had set it up to where she thought she was having dinner with just him. When she walked in, she burst into tears, shocked and amazed at the surprise she was facing: Me! Her husband had worked out all the details to perfection, and she never suspected a thing. She talked about her last year of studies at Pharmacy school, and gushed about married life. It was a bittersweet moment, and it was great to catch up on what each person was doing, but it was also then that I realized that we had grown apart, and would never be back to the same level of friendship we'd shared when we were in middle school. Too many years and too many miles between us, we were two different adults with hardly any similar interests between us.

It was also then that I realized I shared a lot more interests with my other friend (who also happened to be dating and single) as we recounted all the similarities we shared, especially when it came to music. While we were in the car, she blurted out "This is so weird. It's almost as if I'm driving my car because this is exactly the music I listen to!" My iPod included classic rock, some pop, but mostly legends. "I could never listen to this type of music with the other girls" she said, referring to our high school group of friends.

I came back from vacation, vowing never to return to my hometown again. It was dead. I had gone back four times since I'd moved away in 2006, and it didn't have the same appeal anymore. It was in the middle of nowhere and required hours of driving just to get in for the night. I prefer to sight-see when I vacation, not go back to the same dead town I escaped from.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

The number is wrong b*tch!

I was set to leave to California for a week on vacation to visit my dad, friends and cousins. The day after I arrived on the west coast, I noticed "Unknown Caller" on the caller ID. A short while later, a new voicemail:

"Hey Ren, it's Joshua. I just wanted to call on check on you and see how you're doing. I had an amazing time with you last night. I thought belting out, screaming out 80's songs out on that back patio was one of the most fun I've had in a long time. I really enjoyed that. That guy was great, wasn't he? Anyway, I'm just thinking about you, and wanted to see how you're doing. I don't know why this message is so long. [laughs] Bye. I'm at the gym by the way. I did make it, I just got here late."

My mind started wandering off.

WTF? He totally just got the wrong Ren from his phonebook. I couldn't help but laugh. I was thisclose to sending him a message to let him know he had contacted the wrong person, when the little devil on my shoulder stopped me.

No. Fuxk him. Let the girl think he never called her. Hahaha.

Later that night, I received another text that read "Ok we are parking at gabes and taking one car"

I texted back with "? I think you're texting the wrong person"

He didn't reply. 

As I came back from my vacation, Joshua texted me once again:

Joshua: 1:46 am: Ben has you stuff. I hope you are ok and I am so very very sorry.
Ren: 5:06 am: Thank you for the help.
Joshua: 6:30 am: Wrong Ren lol! Oops.
Joshua: 8:04 am: Wait this was the right Ren my mistake!

I could tell he'd been drinking. Not that it was anything new....

A few days later I stopped by Ben's apartment to pick up my things. My heart raced as I drove through the parking lot, hoping that I wouldn't see Joshua's orange Mustang parked out. (He was always at Ben's apartment)

Ben said "Sorry it took so long to get your stuff back. I kept telling Joshua to bring it with him but he would forget every time."

I played nice "It's OK. I'm glad I was able to get it back, and thank you for helping out."

And with that I walked away.

Ben had "accidentally" deleted me from Facebook and sent another friend request soon after. I pretended not to see it, and ignored it.

The next day I texted Joshua for the final time:

Ren: I was able to get my stuff back from Brian yesterday. Thanks again.
Joshua: Np, I hope you are doing well Ren. I am again sorry for how I acted. Maybe one day we could be friends.

Mmmh... fat chance on that one asshole!

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

An empty apology

Joshua wouldn't let up, and I was forced to play "nice" while I still needed to get my stuff back. I didn't lash out or tell him to go to hell. Instead, I just stayed quiet, and didn't respond to any of his texts and calls.

I had edited his name from my contacts and filed it under "Unknown Caller" so that the next time he'd call, I wouldn't pick up, tricking myself to believe it was a private call. I do this to all the guys I no longer want to speak to. I can't remember who's who anymore, so the "Unknown Caller" trick works!

One of the calls that definitely stood out happened on a Saturday morning while I was getting out of the shower at the IT Pilot's apartment. I let the call go to voicemail, but I could sense that it was Joshua, and didn't want to pick it up in front of the Pilot. I listened to the 1:08 minute message intently:

"Hey Ren. A couple of things: I definitely want to give you your stuff. If you still want me to just give it to Ben [Franklin] I will. I know for the next few days he's going to have a friend from out of town. If you want to stop by you can, uh, you know you can get it from me. I also wanted to really, really really apologize for uh, how I was to you. Uh, [sigh] you know, uh that was very unfair. You know and I'm not trying to get you to talk to me or anything like that. I mean I'm giving you a sincere apology. Uh, God what a prick. I was definitely a prick. I feel bad about that, you did not deserve that. Um, I've actually been apologizing to a few people here lately as I realize what a complete and utter asshole I've been and you definitely deserve an apology. Once again I am very, very, very from the bottom of my heart truly sorry. [sigh] Bye."

I didn't buy it. I was too angry at Joshua, and his so-called "apology" meant absolutely nothing to me. If he wanted to feel better by trying to apologize, have at it. I didn't care. I couldn't forgive someone who treated me like shit after only hanging out for three weeks. It's like one of those people that think that just by saying "no offense" they can get scott-free when they say something rude. Mmmh, yeah, no. Doesn't work like that.

I was stuck. I didn't know whether to tell the IT Pilot about what was happening. But I didn't want him to think that I was hiding Joshua, since I was actually trying to avoid him. So I sat him down and told him the situation.

"Would you want me to tell you if Joshua was calling me?" I asked.
"Why?" he responded.
"Because he's been calling me and texting me, trying to apologize about what happened. I haven't actually spoken to him since before you and I got together, and I don't intend to, but I don't know how you'd want me to handle it. I left some things at his place last time, and I've been trying to get it back" I told him.
"What did you leave behind?" he asked.
"A necklace I got from my mom as a gift, and a pot of conditioner that cost me $25" I answered.
"I can give you the money for the conditioner, but I don't know about the necklace. I don't know. It's up to you" he said.

At least he was in the know, and I'd been completely honest about Joshua. There was nothing else to hide.

I continued spending the weekends at the IT Pilot's apartment, spending all days indoors watching TV and movies. I managed to ignore Joshua's texts, which soon became completely confusing.

Sunday, September 4, 2011

Jealousy after breakup

On Friday night, the IT Pilot and I went on another date out for sushi. We had a great time together and later went on to the Flying Saucer downtown where they serve a large variety of beers. We talked about the rest of the "stuff" and I pressed on about why he'd dumped me in the first place (it's always easier to get answers when there's alcohol involved.)

He told me that it'd been because he'd been stressed about work and school, and that he couldn't deal with a full blown relationship; He'd gotten scared. But after being apart for a month, he'd seen that he wanted to try it again, and he understood if I didn't want to. He said "I haven't been on any dates since you, but I noticed that you moved on rather quickly. And with that asshole out of all people. I can't believe you chose him."

He told me he'd gotten very jealous when he found out about me and Joshua, and really pissed off about a post I had made on Facebook saying I hoped my car was where I'd left it the night before.

"When I saw that I knew you were with him" he said. When I asked him how he knew, he said "Uh... cause of all your pictures together, duh."

I excused myself to go use the restroom and left my purse and phone on the counter. When I came back, I noticed I had a new text from Joshua that read: "So I guess good fun sex is out of the question?"

WTF?? Are you serious. God I hope the IT Pilot didn't see it. (He hadn't)

Regardless, I still wanted to give it another shot. I told him that it was going to take a lot of work to earn my trust back because he had dumped me for no reason that I could understand back then. He told me he didn't expect me to give him the trust back and wanted to work for it.

We went back to his apartment and got ready for bed. We began making out in bed, things heated up and we began having sex. It was just as I'd remembered it. It was great and left me incredibly pleased. We spent the weekend together at his apartment and had a peaceful time in each other's company. We didn't bring up much of the past, and rather focussed on enjoying our work-free days.

On Monday however, the IT Pilot woke up sick. I had successfully passed on my cold to him, except much more powerful. He called in sick for work the entire week and didn't fully recover until two weeks later. His doctor had prescribed him antibiotics, but the viral infection he'd gotten from me had hit him a lot worse. He'd had phlegm, coughing, sore throat, fever and sneezing. I felt incredibly guilty.

I offered to bring him food, and I always checked up to see if he ever needed anything. The answer was always no, but appreciative. He just wanted to sleep it off. 

After a while, things were looking good. I was spending the weekend at his place, and we would see each other normally in the middle of the week. We were building the relationship again, and although I was still on my guard, I was feeling a bit more optimistic as time passed.

Joshua on the other hand would not stop texting or calling me, and ignoring it wasn't helping.

Friday, September 2, 2011

A second First Date

I had made plans to get together with the It Pilot on Tuesday to watch two episodes of Weeds that I had missed. However, that night just happened to be Chile's match against.... whoemver,  for the Copa America (soccer tournament) and I wanted to watch it with my friend. Actually, my Gorgeous Guy friend I'd dated some time ago and had last swapped spit with the day after Halloween. It wasn't exactly a date..... per se.... but, I was always open to seeing this stud.

Ren: Hey, I won't be able to come by today. Does tomorrow work for you?
Pilot: Hot date? :-p
Ren: There's a soccer game tonight I want to watch- Chile vs. Peru. I forgot about the schedule. So are you okay with tomorrow?
Pilot: I see how it is...
Ren: Are you... on your period?
Pilot: YES! DAMN IT! :p ... no I told you I'm open all week.

The next day, the IT Pilot texted me early afternoon to confirm about our "non-date" (or was it a date?)
I was actually beginning to feel sick and could sense a cold coming on. I'd woken up with a terrible sore throat that morning and had some nasal pressure as well.

Ugh... if I cancel again, he's probably going to think I'm playing hard to get. But I really don't want to get him sick if we're gonna be within reach of each other. What to do... what to do???

Ren: No, I'll be there. Just text me your address again.
Pilot: Wow... already forgot where I live?
Ren: I have some errands to run, so I'll be there around 6:30.
Pilot: K... wanna order a pizza or Chinese? Or go somewhere?
Ren: Let's go somewhere.

I showed up at his apartment on time, and I greeted him sans hug. I don't know what happened, but the hug motion just didn't jump out of me. I did notice he went to extend his arms, but as I stood there frozen still, he pulled the stretch move.

We went to Olive Garden for dinner and had a fun time. We didn't talk about Joshua, and focussed rather on his work and school, which he said he'd be taking a 6-month break from after this period was over. Once we were finished, the waitress put the check in between us to which I joked and said "Seems like she thinks I'm taking you out."

"No, I think she figures there's no way a girl like you can be with me, and we're just friends" he said.
"What do you mean a girl like me? Like, you're too good for me?" I asked.
"No, try that the other way around. Like you're too good looking for me" he added.
"Yeah well it didn't stop you from dumping me the first time around" I teased.
"Yeah...." he trailed off into a silence, looking embarassed.

We went back to his apartment to watch Weeds as we'd planned. We each sat on opposite ends of the couch, and watched the show intently. After the first episode ended, the IT Pilot scooted over closer to me and put his arm around me and started running his fingers through my hair. We had a good evening, and when the second episode was through, I got up to leave. He came up to me to give me a hug goodbye and asks me "So do you think we can keep hanging out?"

I give him a confused look like, what changed? I sort of mauled the thought in my head, and after an eternity replied yes. Standing there in each other's arms, he leaned in to kiss me. We made out for a bit, and then he walked me out to my car and said "I missed you" as he's hugging me.

I look at him and say frankly "That's all your fault right there" to which he replies "I know. Major fuxk-up."

I get in my car and drive home. The hopeless romantic in me would say that he realized he made a mistake, but I just think he got jealous of Joshua. They both talked shit about each other to me. Joshua was always asking me about the IT Pilot, asking if we'd talked, and the IT Pilot asked me if we were dating. I know now that he was looking at my Facebook posts and pictures.

The next morning, he texted early asking how my morning was going- something he hadn't done since Part I of our relationship two months earlier. We made plans to get together again on Friday, to which I packed up clothes to stay the full weekend.

Hmmm... I smell something brewing.... and it's a little something called beer!!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

A surprise from the IT Pilot

It had taken me a couple of weeks to admit to myself that Joshua had a closer relationship with alcohol then he'd ever had with another human being.

His best friend Ben Franklin had casually told me that people fell in love with Joshua when they met him at first. I could understand why. Joshua was extremely outgoing, funny, exceptionally witty and could make us laugh. If taken in small doses. But as soon as they hung out longer than that, they HATED him.

Hmmm.... I really can't see why.....

I'd spent three weeks with him, two of which had been spent fighting over the phone and arguing face-to-face. I didn't like the stress. It was unneeded and I sure as hell didn't deserve it. He didn't have much to give either- he was broke with no job and a terrible habit.

I decided that the next time he called (and got into a fight with me) I would tell him it was time to end our friendship. Which is exactly what happened.

Except he didn't really believe and/or accept it since he continued to call back to check that we weren't friends anymore, you know, just.... for real. Taking him off of Facebook didn't hint at it either. The only thing that sucked was that I'd forgotten a necklace, a Christmas gift from my mom, and a Biolage pot of conditioner balm at his place one morning before leaving for work. I definitely wasn't okay with forgetting a $25 pot of conditioner balm, so I tried to play nice and make arrangements to get my stuff back.

His friend Ben Franklin had mentioned that he'd purchased tickets to the Houston Symphony. Joshua had already gone a few times, and had suggested that I go with Ben instead, because "Ben's a great guy, and don't break your friendship with him just because of me." I'd never been to a symphony, and definitely wanted to try something new, so I picked up Ben and we went together. That night, I asked him if he could do me the favor of gathering my things from Joshua so that I wouldn't see him. And I also mentioned that I didn't want Joshua brought up in our conversations. I was done.

That same night of the symphony, Riveroaks Theatre was presenting their monthly showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I had originally intended to go with Joshua and Ben, but due to the circumstances, had completely kicked Joshua out of the picture.

Around this same time, the IT Pilot had made a brief appearance through texts while I was at Bingo with my mom a couple of days earlier.  Ben couldn't go to RHPS, and I couldn't find anyone else to go either, so I messaged the IT Pilot to see if he was free that night since, you know, we were on "good speaking terms":

Ren: "I'm hoping to go see Rocky Horror tonight. I wanted to know if you'd be interested in accompanying?
Pilot: I'd really like to go... I have my friends from Alabama so I'm not sure they'd wanna go.
Ren: Too crazy for them?
Pilot: One of them has a 4 year old.
Ren: I understand. My sisters weren't too happy when I took them either. Jk.
Pilot: Yeah.... I bet... lol. You mean your twins... lol

[I use "my sisters" and "my twins" when referring to my twin sisters. Except every guy who's seen me thinks of something else when I say "my twins"]

That night I ended up going to Pearl Bar to meet a guy I'd been talking to from OkCupid since before I met the IT Pilot. It was finally time to meet (as friends) to see if there was any mutual interest. There wasn't. I was bored and I left around 1:30 am and got Mexican food on my way home to indulge.

The next day, the IT Pilot texted me to ask how my weekend had been. I told him I had gone to the symphony and then to the bar.

Pilot: Cool... was it free?
Ren: Well I was invited to the symphony so yeah :) and same for Pearl.
Pilot: lol... Nice. I'm guessing you're seeing someone?
Ren: No, I went with Ben Franklin. You remember him?
Pilot: lol... yeah, I remember Ben. He was cool, just a little nerdy. I would have went with you last night to see Rocky, but I was busy with my friends. Did you go?
Ren: No, and the bar suckeddd.
Pilot: I'll go with you next month if you want.
Ren: If you remember to, sure I'll go with you. And have you managed to get any dating done?

I asked him this because I had stalked on OkCupid and saw that he had activated his dating profile again.

Pilot: Nope. lol. With what time?
Ren: Your lunch hour.
Pilot: Right.... what about you?
Ren: Not really
Pilot: Not really? Did you and Joshua?


Crap. What do I say...?? I had to admit that the IT Pilot was not out of the picture fully (at least in my movie.)  I was still interested, but I didn't want to lie or tell the truth about what had happened between me and Joshua. I felt if I told him the truth, he'd be disgusted, and if I lied and we got back together again, luck would have it (against all odds) that we would one day run up against Joshua and he'd make a gnarly comment about us two having sex- considering we all met each other on the same night, remember?
I know it was a hard thing to believe, but things happen for a reason and God works in mysterious ways.

So I took a deep breath and continued.

Ren: Not quite. He was really friendly at first. Then he turned into a complete asshole.
Pilot: lol... you sound like me with the answers... or not so answers.
Ren: We have communication problems. He talks, I zone out.
Pilot: Yeah I could have told you that.
Ren: Could have told me what? That he was an asshole?
Pilot: He's the guy you hang out with once a month... too much and he's a douche.

He had hit it right on the mark. It was exactly that.

Ren: Omg. Yeah!!! But I had to find out on my own.
Pilot: Yeah, he's a douche bag... but cool to laugh and hang out with a few times... can't believe you tried it. lol... Was he good at least?

I wanted to avoid the inevitable. So I played stupid.

Ren: Good what??
Pilot: Plumber. You can tell me geeesh.
Ren: He had a drinking problem too. I mean, it's not like you could tell him that, but after I hung out with him for a while, I never once saw him sober.
Pilot: So did you fuxk him?

Deep breath. And now the moment of truth. He'll probably never talk to me anymore.
Ren: Yes we had sex. Jeez that's forward.
Pilot: lol... You dodged my other attempts...
Ren: I don't see why you needed to know. I don't like talking about him. He was really mean.
Pilot: Just curious since we are friends and all ;) What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass?
Ren: Well, he actually made me cry once.
Pilot: Fuxker.... what'd he say?

I went ahead and told him about the night we'd had too much to drink and had each slept separately at his friend's house. I was trying hard to divert the fact that I had just told a potential suitor that I'd had sex within the three weeks we'd broken up.

Oh God... if only he knew of the other story with Wes. He'd think major sluttage on my part then.

At the end of my rant he said:

Pilot: Wow.... asshole. You're a really great girl and you deserve the best. If you need someone to go out and do things with, let me help you with that.... leave that fuxker alone.... I knew he was bad news the first time we met him.

The IT Pilot had surprised me. We'd never texted more than 5 texts before, and we had been texting for nearly an hour and a half so far. He asked me if I watched True Blood (which I didn't anymore) but mentioned that I watched Weeds. Surprisingly, he did too and suggested I come over to his apartment to watch them sometime.

Ren: Maybe we can get together this week and watch the first two episodes
Pilot: That'd be cool... I'm open all week.
Ren: Ok, see you Tuesday night then.

And with that, we had made plans to get together once again after being on a no-contact code for nearly a month.

to be resumed.....

Monday, August 29, 2011

Let's NOT get it on

The only way I get to share about my stupid and drunken mistakes with my good friend from St. Louis are through texts. Here is an excerpt (cause I'm too lazy to rewrite, and it's the most accurate version I have)

Shann: How are things going with Josh?
Ren: Bad badd
Shann: Why????
Ren: We have communication problems. He talks too much. I don't listen/pay attention.
Shann: Lol. Why don't you?
Ren: Cause he never gets to the fuxking [actual auto-correct] point and I have a short attention span. We've gotten into so many arguments because he doesn't understand my sarcasm. So he blows up, then appologizes every time and I just stay quiet.
Shann: Lol eek.
Ren: Plus, it doesn't help that he's been drinking non-stop since I've met him. So I've never seen him sober.
Shann: Yeah, that's not cool.
Ren: We can't talk because he's the only one who talks. He won't let me. So I just sit around and listen. I'm not engaging at all. He thinks I attack him when I critique. I'm frustrated. He turns me off and he pisses me off too. I can't say what's on my mind without him overreacting.
Shann: Then stop seeing him lol.
Ren: I plan to. It won't turn serious with him. It'll just be casual. All we did this past weekend was hang out with him and his friend at his house. We never even had sex. It was really boring.

That week, as I tried to have a calm conversation with Joshua, he asked me if I'd spoken to the IT Pilot. "No, not since we broke up last month" I told him.

God somewhere must have heard, because as soon as I uttered those words, the IT Pilot messaged me through chat on my Facebook. "Um... ok, that was weird" I said to Joshua, "but he just messaged me."
"Oh what did he say?" asked Joshua.
"Just asked how I was doing" I replied.

Later that week, I invited my mom to come to Bingo with me, and we managed to drink through two pitchers straight, which was definitely a surprise. While I was there, I did the unthinkable and texted the IT Pilot:
Ren: "That's one good bingo!" lol
Pilot: Lol... same guy?
Ren: I guess so!
Pilot: Joshua there?
Ren: No, it's me and my mom tonight :p
Pilot: Awesome... lol. Have fun!

Later on, I messaged my friend Shann.

Ren: I'm curious to find out why he's asking about Joshua...
Shann: Why are you guys even talking lol. Obviously he knows you and Josh are a thing
Ren: Cause I'm drunk and my fingers are slippery.

I hadn't talked to the IT Pilot since our "breakup" and our exchange of three lines a few nights before. I hadn't made any public declarations that Joshua and I were together, but Joshua had tagged me in a couple of pictures together by ourselves, to which the IT Pilot could clearly see on my feed since we were still friends on Facebook.
Ren: I don't want Joshua. I want the IT Pilot.
Shann: But the IT Piot doesn't want you. He was an ass.
Ren: The IT Pilot doesn't know what he wants. And things with Joshua are never peaceful. We're always fighting.

A couple of hours later:

Ren: Hmmmm Okay Joshua and I just fought. Again. He called me a smartass and hung up on me. And then he called me back to appologize. WTF is his deal?
Shann: He's immature.
Ren: Ok, so here's the play by play of what was said, and maybe you can tell me if I was wrong.

Joshua: Brian told me he wasn't going to the symphony with you this Saturday.
Me: Yeah, his friend is in town, and I told him that he should go ahead and take her instead.
Joshua: I think she wants to go to a strip club instead.
Me: Oh I see. [Pause] Well, it's not like I'm going to ask him for the tickets.
Joshua: I know that. Why would you even say that??? That's just rude.
[Thinking: WTF Did I just say??] Um... Okay, I guess someone doesn't get my sarcasm.
Joshua: That wasn't sarcasm. You're just being a smart ass.

I'd had enough. It was time to man up and tell him the truth.

We don't fuxking get along, so let's not be friends.

Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Venus Flytrap

Wes and I got into an intense makeout session that worked its way into my bedroom. There was no element of surprise on my behalf. I knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as I suggested we go out for drinks just a block from my apartment.

I go into my closet to reach for a couple of condoms and hand it to him. Initially, he didn't want to wear one, so he grabs it and says "Okay, you want me to wear one, fine." He puts it on and his penis becomes limp immediately, and I'm like Dude WTF? So I help him out, and he starts thrusting. We start having messy sex, where the movements are out of whack and not entirely exciting.

In the back of my head, I'm thinking "Man, it better only suck cause he's had too much to drink, cause his moves are completely out of sync right now." With much effort, I manage to orgasm, I don't know, I may have faked, and he climbs off and lays on the bed. He asks for a blow job, to which I answer "Ok, but go wash up first." I momentarily fall asleep as he takes a shower, and as he comes out, I mention "You didn't come."

"It's a good thing I didn't" he answers.
"Why do you say that?" I ask him.
"Cause I took the condom off" he replies.

My eyes nearly bulge out of my head.

"What???" I nearly scream out. "Why the hell did you do that for?? I'm ovulating right now. You picked the worst possible time to use the pull out method. And moreover, I didn't give you permission to take off the condom" I chastise him.

At this point, I just want him to GTFO and never look back. I'm pissed and irritated that he would choose to take the condom off in the first place.

Head down, he begins dressing back up, not saying a word and goes out the front door. Seconds later, I realize I need to go unlock the gate to let him out in the first place, so he comes back up the stairs and says "You do realize you need to let me out right?"

Nice way to kick someone out, yet still have to walk them to the door. Fail.

I angrily stomp down the stairs and open the gate to let him go. We both say goodbye, and I rush back up to my apartment, get into bed and try to fall back asleep.

A few hours later I wake up and check my phone, and see an incoherent text from him:

Wes: Oh.... btw I didn't pull our off it came off on its own and j didn't notice..... but thanks for kicking me out..... I'm going back tomn... you were the real reason I came down here.... you hate me so wtf ever.... I'll never come back.

Looks like predictive texting couldn't help him on this one.

I check the floor, the trashcans and I don't see the condom. I look around the room and there's clothes everywhere, including his undershirt and his t-shirt on the floor. WTF did he leave with last night???

I text him back and say "I need to know- did you throw the condom away or is it inside me still?"

At this point, I have a bunch of thoughts going through my head. I don't feel anything weird inside me, but I somehow manage to smell a condom. Or at least I think I do. So I check myself. I check for a while, but I don't feel anything in me. Yet, I'm still convinced that I have a lost condom inside of me so I start digging as deep as I can (which is hard considering the angle...)

I do my kegel exercise and push as hard as I can and I finally feel something-
the ring to the condom.

I'm like... Ooooh F&%$........  How the F&#@ am I going to get it out??

I swear to God I started going through names of people in my head that I could trust to give me a hand. Literally. My friend Slut Monster was the only one I could think of. If I don't get this condom out today, I have to call her tomorrow.

I keep pushing, and digging deeper. I just need to grab it with both fingers so I can tweeze it out. I need to pull this condom out before I see Joshua. There is no way in hell I could explain a lost condom inside me if he finds it.

I finally glide it out just a tiny bit- enough to pinch it and grab it. I'm laying there on the bathroom floor, one leg up against the wall, the other against the counter, with my fingers inside my vagina, while I muster enough strength to push out and pull out- Is this what birth will look like? - until finally, I slowly pull it out and it comes out in one piece.

My vagina has become a flytrap.

Thursday, August 25, 2011

Someone else showed up

Things with Joshua weren't looking too good. Our attempts at a "relationship"- or better yet, our "fling"- had turned into something I dreaded. I came to realize that he in fact did have a drinking problem. He continued calling me and texting every day, but in the middle of all our phone calls, our conversations turned into spats. It became a series of "shut up; let me talk; don't cut me off; you're not listening to me; I just told you, were you not paying attention?" happening more often than I can count on two hands.

I was mentally drained. No matter how each phone call began, no matter how hard I tried to tiptoe around his dialogue, it was bound to end up in a screaming match and a dial tone [well, more like a click since this is 2011 and we only use cell phones.....]

Wow, I haven't had this much excitement since I took some ipecac.

Turns out that I just..... couldn't handle Joshua. It's true that I didn't listen, but the reason for that was his stories just went on forever and took so many damn turns that I was nauseauted just trying to follow all the loops and curves. [chutes and ladders. it felt a little something like this]
In short, I zoned out a lot of the time. I always figured that I could just ask him to repeat the last sentence if I wasn't paying attention. But at a certain point, I just didn't care what he told me. It wasn't interesting to me and it required too much concentration.

After spending yet another night on Ben Franklin's couch, watching Tosh.0 on a loop, my back seriously started aching. I was experiencing cabin fever, and I needed to get out.

Then something, or rather "someone" happened.

Do you by any chance remember Wes? The online relationship with the "verbal abuser" that I had at the beginning of this year? (That coincidentally was also a heavy drinker?) Well..... he came by for a visit to Houston from Minnesota.

He had messaged me a few days earlier saying he "might" be stopping by for a long weekend to visit his new nephew and sister. Since things with Joshua weren't all peachy, I asked him if it was possible to meet, to which he responded "Possibly."

I wasn't exactly interested in getting into a relationship with Wes, but I was most of all curious to see what he actually looked like and acted like in real person. I guess the thought of meeting a guy who had expressed profound interest in me, and uttered the words "I Love You" got the best of me. I wasn't swooning, but I was definitely intrigued.

After some arrangements, we made plans to go to Minute Maid to catch an Astros game. He came to my apartment and we drove out to the stadium. He was just as short as I expected him to be- approximately an inch taller or so than me. He had a thick goatee, and piercing light blue eyes. His gaze was nerve-racking. It was the Fourth of July weekend, and unfortunately, a full stadium was in order. The cheapest tickets seated together were selling for $50.

"Yeah, no. forget that" I told him. We walked over to a grill across the street and decided to watch the game from there and order food and drinks. Conversation flowed easier than I expected it to. I felt like I had full control of the dialogue, and even though I knew he possessed the dominant characteristics, I could sense that I could drive this date any way I wanted to.

In other words, I was the boss. He was just in it for the ride.

We laughed, got along just fine and I suggested we go out to my side of town to a bar just around the corner from my apartment. You can sort of sense where this is going, right?

We showed up, ordered beers and went and played cricket- to which I did exceptionally well. We continued flirting around, pushing each other teasingly and talking. After two games of cricket, we sat back down at the table and had a "serious" conversation.

"So what do you think about me?" asked Wes.
"Um.... well.... I'm glad I finally met you in person. You're really different than how you act through messages. You're..... not as scary in real life" I told him. Personally, he reminds me of the Jesse James character. On the outside, he seems tough and scary, but inside, I can sense he's just a hopeless romantic. Hell, he talked to me day and night for three months straight.

"What about me? What did you think about me when you saw me?" I asked him
"Well, I think you're a lot more beautiful than you let on" he said.

I suddenly shrunk in my chair. Feeling the effects of the alcohol, my lips parted to say "Wow, that's.... a nice compliment..... thank you."

But suddenly, the alcohol brought out my emotional side, in a way that I couldn't quite comprehend. I began talking about my misfortune with dating, "especially with the last guy" I told him. He listened intently as I told him that lately, the guys I had been dating hadn't been serious about getting into a committed relationship; "All they want to do is date. Have their cake and eat it too" I continued telling him.

"I'm not like that" he tells me. "You just need to stop dating assholes" he said as he wiped away my tears. "Ok, so what do you want to do? If we're gonna keep drinking, might as well go buy alcohol and drink it at your place cause it's a lot cheaper" he mentioned. It was Sunday afternoon, the bar was completely dead anyway, and I had more liquor in my freezer than I knew what to do with. He succeeded in cheering me up and we drove back to my apartment to continue drinking there.

We had shots, beer and just laughed and continued flirting. At one point, he mentioned that he'd be coming back to Houston within the year. I asked him if he saw us being "friends" for real. "Yeah, I could deal with that" he said. "To go out and do stuff with?" I asked him. He said yes to which I pressed on with "Well what if I'm in a relationship then? You don't expect me to wait for you until then, right?"

"No, I don't expect you to wait, and we could hang out with whatever boyfriend you're with" he said.
I came up close to him, my lips inches from his and said "And you wouldn't feel the least bit tempted to do anything?" I tease.
"Nope. Cause if you're with someone, I'm not going to come in between your happiness" he said.

At this point, I'm on my kitchen counter, inches from pressing my lips to his.

"Really....? Not the least bit?" I ask coyly.

He stared at me with a soft grin on his face, his pupils grossly dilated, as I saw him falling in towards my mouth.

"Nuh uh! You said you wouldn't be the least bit tempted!" I warned him as I pulled my head back away with a teasing smile.
"But you're single now. Come here" he said as he drove his lips towards mine.

 to be continued......

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Lunch with the Wingman

After I finished with the dentist the day of our drunken stupor, I messaged Ben Franklin, Joshua's best friend to see what he was up to. He told me Joshua had gone back home to work on a project. Since I had yet to eat lunch, I asked him if he was free to meet up for lunch. I suggested Ikea because I love their meatball dish at the cafeteria.

We began going over the events of the previous nights, to which I pressed on about Joshua's erratic behavior.

"You know him better than anyone, he's your best friend. What's wrong with him? Why would he react that way?" I asked Ben. Ben tried to sugarcoat things, telling me he was going through a hard time due to the divorce.

Ren: Has he dated anyone since the divorce? Like, been in a serious relationship?
Ben: Yeah, he dated Caillin for a few months.
Ren: What happened?
Ben: He treated her like shit. They broke up and she doesn't want to see or talk to him ever.

Hmmmm... interesting. It sure didn't sound like that when Joshua told me about her.

Ren: So how exactly does he earn a living? I mean, he told me he does freelance web design, but, that's intermittent right?
Ben: Well, he's on unemployment right now, and the house where he's at? He's actually house-sitting for, so he doesn't pay rent.

Oh wow. It sounds like I've got quite a catch there. 

Ren: And the drinking? Was he always like this? It seems to me like whenever I see him, he just had a drink before we meet up.
Ben: Yeah, he likes to drink, especially since the divorce.

I was hitting up his best friend of eleven years for vital information- vital bits of facts that Joshua himself wasn't going to share with me. I know it was a bit low, but I wanted to get the point before I got in too deep.

Ren: So what should I make of all this? What does Joshua think of "us." Are we an item? Are we dating?
Ben: I don't think you should take it too seriously. If anything, Joshua just probably thinks you guys are casually dating. I don't think he thinks it's serious.

That was my cue. I had reaffirmation that this crazy relationship wasn't going to go anywhere serious anytime soon. I was free to date others.

I had promised to stop by that same evening as Joshua had offered to make dinner for us. I showed up, he served us and spent the entire night watching YouTube videos on Ben's TV. It was the most boring night ever. At certain points, I tried caressing Joshua's hair, but he forcefully swatted my hand away each time. I tried kissing him, but he got angrily annoyed.

I was pissed. I tried making nice each time by spending time there with him and his friend, thinking that we could possibly go back home and have sex. At one point, I started texting, ignoring the movie we were watching and Joshua got upset. "Ok, let's turn this movie off cause she's obviously not watching it. "

What annoyed me the most was that he kept coming in and out of sleep the entire afternoon and night, yet, I couldn't say anything. If I wanted to just watch TV, I could do that in the comfort of my own place, with a much better bed.

This guy is seriously starting to get under my skin...... I thought.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Bingo and too much alcohol

The IT Pilot didn't call me or write after the breakup, and Joshua felt the need to voice out his opinion.

"He hasn't called at all, not even to say hi? What a douche!" he'd say repeatedly.

I wasn't too serious about my "relationship" with Joshua. He'd recently been divorced and had a son. His girl friend Betty had expressed disapproval in us hooking up. "She says I reminded her I'd never date anyone under 30" he told me. I am 26. He is 34.

Nevertheless, Joshua was a fun person to hang out with, and the following week, we finally did make it in to bingo night. His friend "Ben Franklin," Betty and her date also joined and we had a great time. Surprisingly however, he started chatting up the couple sitting to his right.

Hmmm.... this looks.... familiar I thought. This is what he did with me and the IT Pilot. He started being friendly with us during Bingo that one night we met. What are the chances it couldn't happen again? I laughed in my head, amused.

After bingo was thru, we went out to Cedar creek for drinks. While there, Ben Franklin turns to me "I just got a friend request on Facebook from some [*enter real name here.*] Is this... your IT Pilot?" Joshua and I turned our heads over and looked over at Ben's phone, and there it was- in bold- "IT Pilot: Confirm/Ignore." We all laughed at the thought, as I asked Ben "Wait, why is he friending you? Do you guys talk?"

"No, not at all!" he answered. Joshua piped in and said "Wait, I wonder if he friend requested me too!"  We all laughed about it and we're like "Ok, what was that all about? Did IT Pilot request because of the picture we tagged last night?"

We continued drinking and then took it one step further and went to The Anvil for a specialty drink. I don't know what it was called, but I remember it tasted amazing! It had rum and an egg and cost $12 to make.

By this time I was completely drunk off my ass, and I remember having both Ben Franklin and Joshua help me out the door. Ben lived close by in the Galleria area, so it was decided that we would be spending the night there.

However, when we got there, things took an ugly turn..... somewhere. I can't remember exactly what happened, but it wasn't anything I'd expect from anyone.

Ben and I were joking around, laughing, Joshua kept trying to talk, when all of a sudden, Joshua exclaimed to me "Just shut the hell up!" I was drunk, emotional and welled up enough for tears to come out. Ben looked at both of us then said directly to Joshua "Dude, you're being a fucking asshole" They fell asleep on the couches, while I slept in Brian's bed. In the morning, Joshua came up to me and said "What the hell happened last night?? I'm sorry I was out of line, I shouldn't have reacted that way, but I got annoyed because you got too demanding."

I got his point, but he really shouldn't have blown up the way he did. I was still bothered by it the next morning, and we joked around about it saying in a year from now, we'll still be talking about it and Joshua would forever be known as the asshole who made a girl cry. I left soon after to go to my apartment, try to sleep a bit before my 12:00 o'clock dentist appointment that day.

And the saga continues....

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

A drunken night

The following Wednesday, Joshua and I agreed to meet up at Pearl Bar for Happy Hour. We settled down at an empty bar, and immediately started talking about music.

"You know who this is" asked Joshua about the music that was playing.
"Um, yeah, that's MGMT" I answered.
"Wait- HOW DO YOU KNOW MGMT???" he asked shocked.
"I listen to them. My ex introduced me to them"

And from that moment on, we "clicked."

However though, the bar was extremely empty, apart from a group of 6 guys, we were the only ones there. "Let's go to Liberty Station. It's just down the street, and a friend recommended it to me." We drove over a few blocks to the next bar,  ordered more drinks, and took out a giant game of Jenga.  We continued laughing, singing along to the music on the jukebox. After one too many drinks, Joshua comes up to me, grabs my face in his hands and brings it into his lips.

Our first kiss. Completely unexpected. And he kissed really REALLY good. Despite of how drunk I was. I ended up falling asleep on the couch we had commandeered at the bar. It was near midnight, and I had work the next day. I was in no position to drive home, so of course he offered to "sleep it off" at his place, that was only a couple of miles away.  Except, we didn't "sleep it off" as I had intended. Instead, we got undressed, and he proceeded to perform oral sex on me before I could even grasp what was happening. "Stop! I haven't shaved!" I yelled out. "Honey, I haven't had sex since February. Do you really think I care about a few pricklies?" he said.

I had shaved my hooha, but hadn't shaved my legs. I usually do this to prevent myself from having sex. It never works.

"Oh my god you are so f&*^# hot!" he exclaimed as I lay on his bed.  Slowly, he took his pants off and reached for a condom. In the shadows, I saw his penis, and I nearly gasped.

Omg. He is packing I thought.

We started having sex with one of those ribbed condoms by Trojans- the ones for her pleasure? Yeah, don't try them . They suck. They literally feel like you're having sex with a WalMart shopping bag. Not even the good shopping bags from Target either.

He pumped for a good 40 minutes, until I couldn't take it any longer. It didn't seem like he was any closer to having an orgasm, and to this day, I have no idea how it ended. I do remember however that I had a couple of orgasms, so I wasn't all too unhappy.

"Ok, I gotta tell you something. I didn't come" he said.
"Um, yeah I kinda noticed." I responded

At first I was like, "Why did you tell me that? It is cause you're so drunk that you don't know what you're saying?" I later came to find out that it was because he'd been so used to having sex without a condom (with his wife) that it was going to take some time to get used to with one.

At work the next day, Joshua texted me about the plans for that night. "Screw bingo. Either come over or invite me over and let's be lazy and throw in a movie and cuddle.

I began thinking about it, texting my girlfriend to tell her what was happening. I confided in her about the shit I'd been through with the IT Pilot as well so she was up to speed about the guys in my life.

Ren: I was just thinking about it, and I guess I'm just really hesitant about it going anywhere with him. I mean, he just got divorced after 7 years of marriage, and he has a 5 year old son. THAT'S what freaks me out the most. The son that's involved. I've never dated a DAD before.
Shan: How old is he?
Ren: Looks like he turns 35 in September. I saw his phone last night cause he kept texting with the two other friends that I met at bingo. In one of them, I saw 'Wow great kisser!'

Eventually we met up for bingo along with the other friends from the same night, but we arrived too late and went out to Cedar Creek instead for drinks. We spent a few hours there, and went back to his place where I spent the night. What made me laugh was that when we were in bed that night, he asked me "When do I get to see you again?" I'm like, Dude, we're in bed right now and you're already thinking ahead?

Over the course of the next few days, Joshua continued texting, and calling me a few times during the day. It also helped that he worked freelance and had no schedule to follow. Every once in a while, he would ask me if the IT Pilot had contacted me in any way, but the answer was always no, not since we'd broken up. Things were looking up.

Or so they were...... for a while......

Sunday, August 7, 2011

"It's not you, it's me"

Things with the IT Pilot were going okay. We weren't talking as often, but we managed to go out on a few dates during the week. Joshua, our friend from bingo on the other hand continued texting me every single day to see how the IT Pilot and I were doing. I was mainly interested in getting him back on a dating website since I could sense he needed a partner to blow off some steam from his divorce.

Through texts, Joshua came off as extremely interesting; he talked quite a lot, was a good listener and gave great advice. I tried to set him up with Slut Monster, and when he asked for a picture, I showed him the only one I had on my Facebook. He mentioned he didn't find her all too appealing and that I was better looking than her in the picture.

"Um... thanks...." I responded.

Some time later, I started opening more about the IT Pilot and how he wasn't being too talkative. I stopped hearing from him as much, and he wasn't texting me anymore. A couple of days would go by before I even heard a beep. And from personal choice, I prefer not to chase a guy.

Ren: We're texting then all of a sudden he's gone. I'm like WTF? Did you put the phone down mid conversation and run away??? So sometimes I don't even feel like texting cause I know I'm never going to get a response right away. So it's like, phones don't exist between us. Might as well just accept that fact.
Joshua: No, you don't. Look, I want you to be happy. Do not settle. Ren are you happy? If so I couldn't be more happier for you. If not, reevaluate. Simple.

We continued texting, and the more he wrote, the more I began second guessing everything that was happening between me and the IT Pilot. I began making "excuses" saying "I think I'll be fine. I don't want to get in over my head. He just has another way of approaching this relationship."

Finally, after a weekend of zero communication, I let out all my insecurities to Joshua.

Joshua: Still no word from him? 
Ren: No, and it's stressing me out. Turning my stomach into knots and making me sick.  
Joshua: I'm sorry Ren. You are a beautiful woman. Screw him. 
Ren: I'm so upset I'm about to throw in the towel. I guess I wasn't enough for him.
Joshua: Honestly, even Betsy (his friend from bingo) thought you seemed out of his league. It's ok Ren. I'm here for you if you need me.

The next day, Joshua texted me to check up on me. I told him I was doing just as bad, not having heard from the IT Pilot. "We should get together for a few drinks" he texted. I agreed, to which he said "Let me know what day this week you are free. I'm looking forward to having a few drinks an trading a few stories, and hopefully having a few laughs."

I suggested we go to bingo the following Thursday and he acquiesced. He asked if I'd heard from the IT Pilot yet, to which I responded no.

A short while later, I manage to get the guts to call the IT Pilot after over 3 days of no contact.

Ren: Ok, so I was just wondering if you were interested in making this work.
IT Pilot: Yeah, about that..... I.... don't think we.... clicked.
Ren: So you were just going to go the entire weekend without letting me know?
IT: No....... I would have called you later or tomorrow. It's just that..... I've been extremely stressed with work and school, and I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

F*&$&) Bull^*%$!!

Ren: Oh no, I understand. It's the "it's not you, it's me excuse" except, it's actually not you, it's me.
IT: No, it's not that. It really is me. I just.... don't think I can do it. I still want us to be friends though. I like hanging out with you. I wouldn't mind going out every once in a while.
Ren: No. That's friends with benefits, and I'm not going to do that with you because unfortunately, I like you a lot. I'm not looking for casual dating, I'm looking for a serious relationship.

After everything was said and done, I texted one of my friends, and later called up Joshua to tell him what had happened, but not before I burst into tears over the telephone.

"It's over, it's over, it's over and I feel like shit run over ten times. There was a reason for me not to get too excited about it when I knew it would end just as quickly as it began. I'm extremely tired of investing emotions when its not going to work out. It's really painful" I told Joshua.

Joshua attempted to comfort me as best he could. We made plans to meet up the following Wednesday for happy hour.

Stay tuned......

Tuesday, August 2, 2011

The Side Effects of Bingo

While IT Pilot and I were messaging on OkCupid, I was still regularly receiving messages from other guys. We'd exchanged numbers and texted, but when the ItPilot got serious about meeting, I didn't log back onto OkC. I was interesting in seeing this work.

On Thursday nights, I usually go to bingo to try my luck at winning some money. It usually fails every time, due to the cheap $6 pitchers of alcohol that we get. By the start of the first game, my eyesight is rather blurry.  I had already gone once with the IT Pilot guy, and since he'd had a great time, he asked if we could go again.We sat near the front so we'd be able the numbers better. I got up to get our pitcher of beer, and when I came back, he told me that we had made "new friends."

"Whose stuff is that?" I asked.
"It's for three people. I'm saving their seats" he answered.
"Who are they?" I wondered.
"Well you try to guess" he pushed.
I looked down at the items that had been left on the table- a blackberry, a red stamper with stickers, and a woman's wallet.
"Ok, well it looks like two girls and one guy?"

A few minutes later, the trio came to sit down, which happened to be two guys and one girl- just friends. The girl's name was Betsy, who was in her mid thirties, the first guy was balding, looked about 40, and resembled Benjamin Franklin, so we can call him Ben, and the third guy reminded me of Mark McGrath from Sugar Ray with his frosted tips. He was also in his mid thirties, but we will call him by his real name. Enter: Joshua.

The IT Pilot and I had a great time with the group. Joshua was very outgoing, extremely chipper and very talkative. He cracked joke after joke, kept the mood afloat with an exceptional witty banter. I admit it, he was fun to hang out with. When Joshua asked my Pilot and I how we'd met and how long we'd been together, we mentioned it was only rounding up to the second week. He mentioned to his friends "Aw, how cute. you can totally tell this is new. They can't kep their hands off each other." After bingo ended, we agreed to go to Cedar Creek bar & Grill a couple of streets over to continue hanging out.

Once there, we had another beer, while my Pilot and the other two guys continued talking. The girl, Betsy, had left shortly thereafter to meet up with a guy, and I was mainly listening in. As they conversed, I found out that Ben had been married for 11 years, 5 of which had been void of sex. Joshua had been married for 7 years, had been divorced for about 9 months, and had a 5 year old son,  I could sense a lot of frustration in regards to his ex-wife, especially when it came time to talk about all the money he'd lost as a result of the dissolution of his marriage.

Nonetheless, we still had a few good laughs, and by the end of the night, I had inserted Ben and Joshua into my list of contacts to meet up to catch a showing of Rocky Horror in a few weeks. My Pilot didn't seem bothered by it at all, and looked to be content with the fact that we now appeared to have a group of friends to go to Bingo with as well. When we got back to his place that night, I had a new text from Joshua: "Hey! Your boyfriend is lucky, he got a witty attractive, fun woman. I can't wait to see the two of you next Saturday."  I responded saying that I hoped that both he and Ben got home alright, and the Pilot and I went to sleep.

The next day, Joshua texted me around 9:00 while I was work.
Joshua: Good morning sexy. I will be joining okcupid later today because of you two. I hope to meet a girl like you. Enjoy your day.
Ren: Trial and error. you most definitely will meet your other half.
Joshua: That sounds perfect. Tell IT Pilot I said Hello :)

The sexy remark didn't quite register, and I brushed it off. The IT Pilot was the only guy on my mind, and I'd made that very clear the night before by stating "When I'm with someone, my mind shuts off from looking at other guys or developing feelings for someone else. I've never been tempted to cheat" (This is true.) Joshua looked at my Pilot and said "That's a good woman right there."

Throughout the next few days, Joshua continued texting me, trying to get more information about me about what had drawn me to my Pilot, what I liked about him, and throwing flirtatious comments here and there. Since I didn't think anything more to it, it didn't bother me that he was flirting. At the time, I didn't see it that way.

He asked me if we'd closed out our OkC accounts; Coincidentally enough, my Pilot and I had talked about it the night before, as we were going home after bingo. We talked at great lengths about what he wanted and said that he didn't want to just rush into a relationship or something long term- commitment wise. He said we didn't have to spend every day together, and he had gotten that vibe from me earlier on in the week. He said he needed his space and didn't want to feel suffocated. He went on about how we could hang out on the weekends, and a few times during the week, but that at certain points, he would just feel like being on his own.

He had closed out his account, and he'd noticed that I hadn't logged on since before we met. be continued.......

Sunday, July 31, 2011

Jump to Conclusions

A few nights after having drinks at Brian O'Neill's in Rice Village, Slut Monster asked if I had been on a date. I told her yes and when she asked more questions about him, I told her I didn't want to talk about it.  When it comes to dating, I'm very private. I don't like to divulge too much information because to date, it hasn't worked out past the first month, and I look pathetic. So she said "Oh, are you sad? Like me? I'm here for you."

Quick to jump to conclusions. Girl please. I'm not the one who had sex with a stranger and thought it would work out. I texted back "No, I prefer not to talk about it just yet because it's still new and I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to get too excited in case it doesn't work out."

I tell my readers, but it's different cause this is anonymous. I don't want to tell people I know until some considerable time has passed. I feel like a f*cking idiot when it doesn't work out with a new guy. Kinda like Slut Monster and her wide array of one night stands.

Anyway, she kept writing and I stepped away so I didn't see her messages until she logged off. She got pissed that I wasn't sharing about my guy and that I'd told her not to have sex with the guy on the first night- cause apparently I'd done it....? She called me a "biatch" and even  though it may have been a joke, I didn't like it and I told her to be careful with her words and she blew up!

"I am kidding what the hell if you still continue to tell me that lets not talk to each other anymore ok??? "

I told her she had some serious issues.

There is a reason why I don't have many gfs, and last night I realized why. It's not that they have drama, or are catty and vicious. No, it's not that. It's more that they are too F*CKING emotional and don't like it when I treat them like one of the guys. I got issues of my own- I don't want to bother playing the motherly role to soothe your feelings.

F*&^$#& b#@%$. D@mn.

/end rant

Friday, July 29, 2011

The Lost Condom

The IT Pilot and I met up again to go out and see "The Hangover" and have drinks at O'Neill's the weekend after he came back from his trip to Alabama with his friend to visit their parents. We had a relaxed night, and considering that it was a Sunday night, the bar was pretty calm. We talked about music, discussed the movie- "Your password is Bologna1?"

We went back to his apartment, and settled into bed. We began kissing, and slowly positioned ourselves to have sex. We were having sex and as he came, that's when it happened. Even though he wears a condom, he still pulls out as he's coming. I had another guy (Tiny Penis) who did that, and it annoyed me, but as he came, I am glad that he did.

He looks down and says "Oh shit. The condom came off." "What??" I exclaimed. I had previously told him that I have a tendency to squeeze so hard that the condoms got lost inside me- which is exactly what happened this time around. It had only ever happened with Sebastian (a few times.) I told him "You're going to have to play doctor and reach in and feel for it to pull it out."  With a confused look on his face, he says "What? Me pull it out?"

"Uh, well yeah- I can't pull it out myself. I can't reach that far" I explained.

He went in and felt around, with a perplexed smile on his face and finally managed to pinch it and pull it out. What a relief.

Oooh which reminds me, I need to go in for my pap smear soon!

Wednesday, July 27, 2011

The Single Life

I continued living the "single life" while I spent my nights away from the IT Pilot. Since we hadn't made anything official, I knew it was all fair for me to hang out with my girlfriends at clubs since he wasn't into the scene.

One night, I met up with one of my girlfriends and her acquaintances at Pearl Bar. I happened to run into a guy (James) that I'd dated about two years ago for a short while. He has a Chilean girlfriend now, and I'd been wanting to meet her for a while because he'd been talking her up. He invited me out a few times with her but I couldn't make it. We even went out for drinks about a month ago to catch up since we hadn't seen each other since we'd dated.  Anyway, that night at Pearl, he happened to be there with her, and I tell him I want to meet her. She comes around a short while later and I'm really chipper and everything and I say "Finally I get to meet you!!" and the first thing she says is "Oh were you guys planning to meet here?"- in a snappy attitude.

I'm like, WTF.... ? She hardly said more than two sentences and she was just a bitch! She said she was bored and etc. and wanted to head out. Now I remember why I don't like to meet or get along with other Chileans my age group. They're f*cking assholes and stuck up b*tches- WITHOUT FAIL every single time.

My girlfriend, who is referred to as "Slut Monster" (because she falls in love and sleeps with a new guy every week, and is a major Lady Gaga Fan) met a new guy and they seemed to hit it off pretty well. I mostly played third wheel, but I was okay with that because I don't like to meet guys at bars. Most of the time they're drunk and unable to have coherent or intelligent conversations. Plus, I wasn't going to make it thru my second beer cause I needed to drive home, so I stopped drinking and just sat there, keeping them company.

Anyway, the guy seemed very gentlemanly. He'd talk to me as well, to include me in the conversation and even asked me for permission to take her out to dinner. When he went to close out the tab, I told her not to screw this one up, and to withhold sex for tonight at least. He said he had some friends over at his place for a party, so I followed them there, but decided to leave when I got there because I was really tired. At the end he said to me "Well, I will see you soon" so that sounded pretty sincere on his part.

Of course, within the days following, Slut Monster would tell me that she had fallen in love with the "Gentleman", decided to become his new roommate, argued with him, broken up with him, and fallen out of love. I've never seen a more unstable relationship.

Monday, July 25, 2011

It happened: The First Night with Mr. IT Pilot

Following the episode of me walking out of the IT Pilot's apartment, I decided to invite him over to my apartment for a sleepover. I felt like maybe I should give it one last shot, to see if I meant anything to him.

I guess I misinformed about wanting to be coddled- I WANT THAT. My self esteem is shot, and has been for a while. I know it's really unattractive not to be confident, and I really wish I was, so I really don't mind at all when he asks me what I'm thinking. I like it. I just don't know how to process what I'm thinking and say them correctly and not scare him off. So yes, I had told him to bring clothes, (he responded with "lol.... ok") but honestly at the moment I texted him the invitation, I wasn't feeling it. It just feels like a hookup, and I knew eventually, he'd just end up walking away. They always do. They realize it takes too much to make me happy, and that I require too much attention; I admit, it's overwhelming. I didn't want to have sex with him right away because I didn't know how he would take it; I didn't know what he would think of me, and since he'd told me he'd dated and spent so much money on his last "date" over the last 6 months, I FIGURED he'd be ok to wait.... idk... maybe 2 weeks or something.

It was all moot at that point. MOOT I tell yah, MOOOOOOT.Things just got totally twisted..... this is what happens when you're a girl.....

So he came up to my apartment after work, took in the surroundings, we talked for a bit, and he set me out at arms' length and said "So listen..... I'm sorry about the other night. I realize I shouldn't have done that so.... I was wrong, and you were right" I was like, Wow. This is EXACTLY what I needed him to do- apologize. 

We had a geeky date. REALLY geeky. We went out to dinner at one of my favorite restaurants, and talked, then he got this bright idea that he wanted to play board games..... ?...... I was like...hmmm okay..... maybe when I was 16, but alright, let's give it a shot. We went to Target to the game section and picked up a game of Jenga and some beer. We came back to my place, and we played a couple of games, which I lost at terribly because I was getting tipsy already. We watched TV, and started making out..... and then I straddled him and asked him what he was thinking.... etc etc.

I wanted him to tell me what he really wanted to do, but he wouldn't say it. So at one point he asked me what I was thinking and I just flat out said it "I want to [BLEEP] you. Well... more like, I want you to [BLEEP] me."

So we both jumped up from the floor and went into the bedroom...

We went into the bedroom and got into bed and as he was trying to take off my bra, I tried to help him. I didn't even get to put both hands behind me when he says "No, I got this" and unstrapped with ONE HAND. I was like "????Zomg!!"

We got completely naked and he took out the condoms from his bag (because he had brought a bag with his extra clothes for the next day- just like he'd been told to. Though I personally didn't expect him to bring a bag- just a shirt...)

Anyway, we started going at it, and Mr. IT Pilot did the job exceptionally well. He didn't come as fast as I anticipated, after being abstinent for 9 months. He went for a good.... 15 minutes, and gave me three orgasms during the first round- I was mouth agape. I was like.... Holy Crap!! Either he's really good, or I haven't had good sex in a while.......

He came and collapsed onto me, and just rested. We had some pillow talk, and then I asked him about the text that had left me confused for the entire afternoon (i.e. "I'll think about it") He said he normally says he needs to think about things before saying anything else, so that he doesn't say something wrong. He said he didn't mean to leave me in the dark.

Anyway, we got settled for bed, again, and went for a repeat. This time, I lost track of how many orgasms I had. He ended up spending the night, and we both left for work together the next morning.

Once at work, I had a great attitude, and I got called out for it, so I was like.. Ok.. relax, I need to play it cool and get this grin off my face. Later on in the morning, I get this text from him saying "Can't stop thinking about you."

And later on: "Can I add you on Facebook? ;)"


Monday, July 18, 2011

Holding back

This entry may not make much sense, considering I've ended up having sex on the first night on more than one ocassion, but when feelings for a guy are involved, it changes my mindset dramatically.

I've been "penpals" with a guy I "met" on OkCupid back in April. We have a weird relationship. We're attracted to one another physically, but will only use each other for conversation and flirting. We have both expressed no interest in meeting, and would rather just communicate via email, not even through texts or phone calls. Hell, we don't even have each other's phone numbers.  We talk about our thrysts, dates and fill each other in on our day to day activities. Normally, we talk through email all day long, making fun of each other and being abusive in a playful way. All in all, we are "friends" to some extent. We will call him Ozzie, a derivative of his last name.

So forgive me if the following passage  is written in the wrong tense- it was an email I sent to Ozzie a while back and hadn't made the time to update my blog.

I'm really confused. The IT Pilot and I had a fun time last night- a really geeky date; we went to the bookstore over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went thru the clearance racks. He paid for my items and then we went to dinner and chatted until the restaurant closed.

We came back to his place, and put on one of the DVDs that we bought at the store, and we were just lounging on the couch cuddling and relaxing. We would kiss.... then make out..... and watch the movie in between.

At one point, it got heavier than expected and he got on top of me and put himself in between my legs and started caressing me pretty hard. And that's when I felt it. The discomfort. The anxiety. I'm thinking, this isn't right. I don't want to do this..... what's going to happen? I was really nervous, his hand brushed my chest and my crotch, and it felt so wrong. I didn't know what to think- why is he doing this? It's only the third date.... why can he wait 6 months with the last girl he dated, and not even a week with me. WTF?

I felt... taken advantage of, and I wasn't ready to take that step with him. We stopped and he just lay there, glancing back at the TV, while I just tried to keep it together. I could feel my eyes watering up, but luckily didn't. Around midnight, I decided to leave and he walked me out to my car. I gave him a half-assed hug and kiss, and then just sat there in my car thinking "WTF just happened?" He'd told to text him when I got home, so when I did, he responded with "Awesome. Sleep Well :)"

I couldn't get the thought out my head, so about five minutes later I texted back "What happened tonight?" I got a response the next day morning with "I was asking myself the same thing."

I want to let it work..... but I felt used. Earlier in the night he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him I was feeling anxious and nervous. He said "You keep saying that. It's annoying. I'm not going to leave you, so don't think like that"

Ozzie replied about thirty minutes later:

aww....what a cute date. puke. sorry just sounds kind of gay to me. what happened to drinks? maybe thats why you fell awkward on the couch. if you like the guy why were you turned off? you obviously didnt like his moves.  you didnt have to have sex, it was just foreplay. why couldn't you just go with it? are you not sexually attracted to him? it's always easy to get turned on in the beginning, right? besides 3 dates? haven't you f*cked in less? why were you such a bitch when you left? i would've held on to you.  i always give them something to remember.  don't you like that? guess he could tell. 

Normally, the physical actions wouldn't bother me, and I would probably just let it progress..... but I actually care what he thinks of me, and I'm in no rush to have sex with him. It's awkward because, I've recently decided to hold off on sex if I really like the guy. Before, we would sleep together within the first couple of dates/days together, but it hadn't worked out at all up to this point, so I wanted to try something different.  The reason why I wanted to take it slow with him was because I'm scared of having my heart broken. I guess I was right to think that. And yes, I've had sex in less time than that- but it's never worked out. I didn't want to make the same mistake. 

I wanted to hold back. And it just bit me in the ass apparently. I asked him if he'd rather just get it in right away at first and he said "Not sure, I'll think it over."

Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'm scared of dating

The day following our first date, the IT Pilot and I met up at the Miller Outdoor Theatre to watch an Opera out on the lawn. I brought over a blanket and fruit, and settled down into the grass, as we completely ignored the play and just joked around. We had a great time listening to music, laying down together under the stars, awww yes, very romantic, nestled within hundreds of other spectators.
After the show, we went back to his place and talked some, but made out like crazy. We saw each other the next day as well and had the geekiest date I've ever had.  We went to Half Books over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went through the clearance rack. I picked out items, and he bought them for me. Then we went to La Madeleine for dinner and hung out until they closed.
It felt like things were slowly coming into play. Possibly.
Thing is, I'm really concerned about when it comes to being "serious" with someone. Let's just say that this past year has had more downs than ups. When I was hanging out with IT Pilot, he kept asking me what I was thinking about but I really couldn't say it. Thing is, I'm scared of being vulnerable. I've been with two guys since last year who I THOUGHT things were going fine with ("J" and Mr. Anime/Jared Leto lookalike) and just got dumped on my ass. We talked and saw each other frequently and then one of them flat out told me he didn't see anything in common with me (yet we hung out for a week straight, having sex and me spending the night over) and the other one just stopped calling. I called twice before quitting. I never got any kind of answer as to why he didn't want to be anymore. He just stopped returning my calls. I was so confused.

So you can understand my apprehension about seeing things with this guy take off at all. I don't want to be hurt, so I'm always going to have that fear that it won't work out because it's already started the same exact way before- perfectly good, with the cuddling and kissing and the blah blah, and then some short time later it's dead.
However, the IT Pilot is more boyfriend material than The Virgin BY FAR. He's my age, married straight out of high school, stayed together for about 3 years, and has been in another serious relationship for 2.5 years. So to me it sounds like he knows what he's doing.

It's tempting to have a boyfriend, but it's also tempting to keep that freedom and heart intact. I'm afraid to put my all and effort into something that won't materialize. Which is why I'm not telling ANYONE that I'm dating. It's really embarassing to say that I'm seeing someone, and then they're out of the picture by the next week.... or month. So I probably won't say anything (even if it does turn a bit more serious) until a month later.... maybe even two. It's hard to keep it in; I love sharing that stuff with my girlfriends, but I look like such an idiot when it's over right quick.