Jump to Conclusions

A few nights after having drinks at Brian O'Neill's in Rice Village, Slut Monster asked if I had been on a date. I told her yes and when she asked more questions about him, I told her I didn't want to talk about it.  When it comes to dating, I'm very private. I don't like to divulge too much information because to date, it hasn't worked out past the first month, and I look pathetic. So she said "Oh, are you sad? Like me? I'm here for you."

Quick to jump to conclusions. Girl please. I'm not the one who had sex with a stranger and thought it would work out. I texted back "No, I prefer not to talk about it just yet because it's still new and I don't want to jinx it. I don't want to get too excited in case it doesn't work out."

I tell my readers, but it's different cause this is anonymous. I don't want to tell people I know until some considerable time has passed. I feel like a f*cking idiot when it doesn't work out with a new guy. Kinda like Slut Monster and her wide array of one night stands.

Anyway, she kept writing and I stepped away so I didn't see her messages until she logged off. She got pissed that I wasn't sharing about my guy and that I'd told her not to have sex with the guy on the first night- cause apparently I'd done it....? She called me a "biatch" and even  though it may have been a joke, I didn't like it and I told her to be careful with her words and she blew up!

"I am kidding what the hell if you still continue to tell me that lets not talk to each other anymore ok??? "

I told her she had some serious issues.

There is a reason why I don't have many gfs, and last night I realized why. It's not that they have drama, or are catty and vicious. No, it's not that. It's more that they are too F*CKING emotional and don't like it when I treat them like one of the guys. I got issues of my own- I don't want to bother playing the motherly role to soothe your feelings.

F*&^$#& b#@%$. D@mn.


/end rant

Holding back

This entry may not make much sense, considering I've ended up having sex on the first night on more than one ocassion, but when feelings for a guy are involved, it changes my mindset dramatically.

I've been "penpals" with a guy I "met" on OkCupid back in April. We have a weird relationship. We're attracted to one another physically, but will only use each other for conversation and flirting. We have both expressed no interest in meeting, and would rather just communicate via email, not even through texts or phone calls. Hell, we don't even have each other's phone numbers.  We talk about our thrysts, dates and fill each other in on our day to day activities. Normally, we talk through email all day long, making fun of each other and being abusive in a playful way. All in all, we are "friends" to some extent. We will call him Ozzie, a derivative of his last name.

So forgive me if the following passage  is written in the wrong tense- it was an email I sent to Ozzie a while back and hadn't made the time to update my blog.

I'm really confused. The IT Pilot and I had a fun time last night- a really geeky date; we went to the bookstore over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went thru the clearance racks. He paid for my items and then we went to dinner and chatted until the restaurant closed.

We came back to his place, and put on one of the DVDs that we bought at the store, and we were just lounging on the couch cuddling and relaxing. We would kiss.... then make out..... and watch the movie in between.

At one point, it got heavier than expected and he got on top of me and put himself in between my legs and started caressing me pretty hard. And that's when I felt it. The discomfort. The anxiety. I'm thinking, this isn't right. I don't want to do this..... what's going to happen? I was really nervous, his hand brushed my chest and my crotch, and it felt so wrong. I didn't know what to think- why is he doing this? It's only the third date.... why can he wait 6 months with the last girl he dated, and not even a week with me. WTF?

I felt... taken advantage of, and I wasn't ready to take that step with him. We stopped and he just lay there, glancing back at the TV, while I just tried to keep it together. I could feel my eyes watering up, but luckily didn't. Around midnight, I decided to leave and he walked me out to my car. I gave him a half-assed hug and kiss, and then just sat there in my car thinking "WTF just happened?" He'd told to text him when I got home, so when I did, he responded with "Awesome. Sleep Well :)"

I couldn't get the thought out my head, so about five minutes later I texted back "What happened tonight?" I got a response the next day morning with "I was asking myself the same thing."

I want to let it work..... but I felt used. Earlier in the night he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him I was feeling anxious and nervous. He said "You keep saying that. It's annoying. I'm not going to leave you, so don't think like that"

Ozzie replied about thirty minutes later:

aww....what a cute date. puke. sorry just sounds kind of gay to me. what happened to drinks? maybe thats why you fell awkward on the couch. if you like the guy why were you turned off? you obviously didnt like his moves.  you didnt have to have sex, it was just foreplay. why couldn't you just go with it? are you not sexually attracted to him? it's always easy to get turned on in the beginning, right? besides 3 dates? haven't you f*cked in less? why were you such a bitch when you left? i would've held on to you.  i always give them something to remember.  don't you like that? guess he could tell. 


Normally, the physical actions wouldn't bother me, and I would probably just let it progress..... but I actually care what he thinks of me, and I'm in no rush to have sex with him. It's awkward because, I've recently decided to hold off on sex if I really like the guy. Before, we would sleep together within the first couple of dates/days together, but it hadn't worked out at all up to this point, so I wanted to try something different.  The reason why I wanted to take it slow with him was because I'm scared of having my heart broken. I guess I was right to think that. And yes, I've had sex in less time than that- but it's never worked out. I didn't want to make the same mistake. 

I wanted to hold back. And it just bit me in the ass apparently. I asked him if he'd rather just get it in right away at first and he said "Not sure, I'll think it over."

Ouch.

Friends with Benefits

We were talking about FWB (friends with benefits) the other night, and each of us girls was describing what would make a good buddy. I think I was the only who said she would go for someone who was moderately attractive. In my opinion, I feel like I would end up liking my buddy if he was too good looking, and end up developing feelings for him. I'd rather have an average Joe (still have a desirable body, just an okay face) because I'd feel more comfortable with them.

Is this what I was essentially using OkCupid for? Possible FWBs to avoid getting into any relationship and prevent myself from suffering any possibly heartbreak?

My trip to St. Louis

I decided to take a couple of days off and visit my friend Shannon out in St. Louis for the weekend leading up to St. Patrick's. If you may remember, Shannon and I met at a mutual friend's house party back in late September. Since Shannon had bigger plans to move to New York City in December, I used to opportunity to stop dating and make a new girlfriend with whom I would go out with every single weekend.

Shannon didn't make it out to NYC when she'd expected as she didn't find adequate housing during her short vacation in December. Instead, she went back to her hometown in Misourri, and opted to find short term living in St. Louis and continue waitressing until she saved up more money for her relocation.

I left on Thursday after work, with much excitement about what Shannon had planned for us for the weekend, but I was not prepared to have a non-stop, jam-packed, vomit induced weekend.

The girl wore me out to the nub.

As soon as I stepped off the plane and into the car, Shannon whisked me away back to her place to get changed and head out to dinner, followed promptly to an 18+ club, where we quickly felt out of place. We went back home near 1:00, and I awoke completely hung over, to the worst headache the next day, which pounded in my head until late in the evening.

Oh God, how am I supposed to continue?

Shannon wouldn't take "slow down" as an excuse. We went out to the Gateway Arch the next afternoon, and stood in line to ride up the tower's arch to overlook the city from the observation deck. Later that night, we repeated the same schedule, going to a fancy restaurant and out to a club, this time, meeting a guy she'd been casually seeing, and his friends, one whom she was completely lusting over. Shannon kept whispering to me that she wanted to sleep with the friend, but wouldn't, calling it a "bitch move" to do that to her interested party's friend. It soon became apparent that the friend wanted to continue talking to me. I on the other hand, was not  interested in the least.  The friend was only good for conversation, but didn't win me over, the fact being that I was only there for a short weekend, and that my preference is for white guys (he was black.)

After one too many drinks, Shannon whispered to me "Girl, git it! Don't worry, if you want him, you should totally sleep with him, cause I can't." I simply smiled, and stopped drinking, knowing that I would have to possibly step in and drive us home that night. Shannon kept pushing the offer throughout the night, while I told her each time that I wasn't interested. Near the end of the night, I tried to hatch a plan to get the friend to drive us home so that she'd get some alone time with him.  She wouldn't accept it. She may have been completely wasted, but she still had "values" knowing that it wouldn't be an appropriate move to make to her "date" at the time. We decided to leave, with the intent of going out to IHOP so the rest of the group could "sober" up, but from the moment we walked out to the time we made it to the car, Shannon had changed her mind and wanted to go home and sleep. I decided to drive us home seeing as to how Shannon had tripped over her own two feet and fallen to the ground.

On Saturday, the next morning, we went over to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade downtown. We had a good time and enjoyed the different groups. Afterwards we went to the Zoo and stayed until closing time, until we went home to get ready for another night out. After dinner, we went to another bar and stayed until closing time, getting robbed by one hour due to Daylight Saving Time.

On Sunday, Shannon accepted her friend's invitation to Dave & Buster's and we all went to play for a couple of hours. We had fun playing trivia, and a while later, Shannon and I went to Harrah's, the casino, to play for a while. I didn't have much luck on the slots, but Shannon won over $300 at the roulette table. I joined her and learned how to play, but only got ahead by about $40. I wasn't getting enough returns and ultimately stopped playing when I was down by $8. I still had a lot of fun though. On Sunday night, Shannon decided it would be my night to go all out and get completely drunk. She ended up taking me out to an all black club in downtown, where I immediately felt uncomfortable. "I feel like I'm on display" I told Shannon. I pushed her to get us out, feeling out of place as the only "brown and white chicks" on the dance floor. Since it was Sunday night, and no other place was open, we drove into East St. Louis, Illinois to another club that stayed open until 6:00 am.

I'm the dork on the right

Passed out on the way home

This is where I will never forgive Shannon for all the drinking she pushed me to do. Apparently, she was telling the bartender to do doubles for me, while she sipped on beer. I felt fine, until about.... well, I honestly can't remember anymore. I remember dancing with my head in her crotch, but I can't remember walking out to the car (in the rain?) and riding 40 minutes back home. I do however, remember stumbling through the front door and racing for the bathroom on the first floor and puking out my vodka cranberries down the toilet. I have never vomitted from overdrinking. NEVER. Until I met Shannon of course. I felt completely disgusted and in so much pain. The next morning, I still felt sick, and worried about my plane ride later in the evening. We went out to eat, but I couldn't muster enough courage to eat more than a few bites of my honey glazed chicken. I had hoped the white rice would help, but it only made me feel sicker. We went back home, where I finally had the chance to take a nap during my action-packed weekend.

Shannon took me to the airport amidst the light snow falling over St. Louis, and I came back home around 9:30 pm. What happened later that night was totally unexpected.....

[to be continued]

Twosomes and leftovers

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Knowing your limits

You're a friend and you need to stay in that zone damnit!

I met David on POF (I meet most of my guys from dating websites, surprised?) last year as a FRIEND. At least, that's all it has ever been for me. I was with Sebastian at the time and never threw any signals up in the air- or so I thought.

David and I clicked on a friendship level, talking about our gripes in the dating world and about everything else: friends, family, health, school- LIFE in general. We never talked on the phone- it was all through email and some texting. Over time, I too lost track of him, and couldn't ever really focus on what he was doing with his life.

A few months ago, I sent him an email that went  unanswered for a whiiile. Some time later, he finally got around to responding, and during the Christmas season sent me a few texts. He asked me how the "boy" was doing, clearly referring to Sebastian. He asked me if I was working over new year's and when I responded that I got the 3rd off he said "I was gonna see if you'd be available for a trip to New Orleans-" wait, what? "but thinking about it wouldn't make sense; too many family folk are going"- phew. Weirdo.

The following week, we decided to go out for drinks to catch up and met up halfway. We had drinks at a retro bar and played trivia as I listened to him talk about school and the dating scene. About an hour later, I'm feeling extremely bored and decide to head home. As we're saying good bye, he comes in to give me a hug- one of those hugs that lasts two seconds too long.

Awkward.

As I try to pull away, I can feel his head trying to turn towards mine, still very much embracing me. I turn the other way as his head follows, his face coming towards mine.

[Gasp] Oh noooooo.

 I continue arching my face away as I see his lips coming towards mine. I turn and he lands a kiss on my cheek.

At this point he still has his arms around me, as I try to fidget my way out of them.

Dude, let go!

Once finally freed from his deathly grip, he says with a huge smile "you should invite me over to your place sometime."

Scoffs. "Yeah right" I answer.

"Okay" he laughs nervously.

I quickly get in my car, and speed the hell out of the parking lot, rethinking what the sam-f*&@ just happened back there.

I've always wondered what to do in situations like this. I can understand that attraction between friends can happen- it's normal, but how do you make it obvious you're NOT interested in them THAT WAY? One could say it's as simple as stating it up front, but doesn't that sound a bit.... egocentric? The signs aren't always there.... and the other person could simply say "Well, you were throwing out all the signs!!"

What signs were those?? Being nice? Laughing at your jokes? Teasi-- oh.... shit.... I got it....
Yeah, I can see how you could possibly think I'm interested in you THAT WAY......

F*&#.....

Oh so you're married now?

Roger and I had a thing a few years back. I was too naive to know that he was merely  sewing his wild oats and not looking for anything serious. He went away to Afghanistan for work on a 5-year contract and hardly heard from him since.

During the course of the year, he messaged me through Facebook when he would see me online, but we hardly talked about anything interesting. He did however begin to act quite differently.

He brought up "our past"- which I had long ago filed into my "do-not-ever-revisit" folder which had worked out quite effectively.

At one point, Roger asked me to marry him, and I deduced it to be run of the mill shit talk. I blamed it on being so far away, alone, in a desert with no female in sight and only an internet connection to the outside world. It was natural for him to fall on me, a backup from years before.

While on my trip to Chile in late November, Roger messaged me once more.

It didn't affect me in any way. If anything, I was surprised he thought that I was still the same gullible girl as before, who was more than willing to eat it all up. He told me he was coming back to Houston for a visit in late December, to which I took as an invitation to hang out.

Boy was I wrong....

On the night of Shannon's going-away dinner, we went to a popular Mexican restaurant which I'd frequented years before with Roger and the gang, when we all hung out as a group. As I was paying for my drink, I look up at the other side of the counter and see him, along with two of our other acquaintances (a couple).

I try shouting out for him, but the noise in the bar is so much that he can't hear me calling him. I get my cell phone out to call him, but get his voicemail right away. When I look up, he finally sees me and a stare of shock/surprise comes up on his face. I try to wave him over to say hi, but he ignores it completely and tells me to come over instead. I make my way over, hug him and say hello to the other couple. The guy looks surprised as well and articulates clearly "This is Mrs. West, Roger's wife" and points to the woman behind me with a warning look.

"Wife?? Oh my gosh, congratulations!!" I tell her excitedly as I give her a welcome hug and introduce myself.

I turn around to look at Roger and give him a raised eyebrow and mouth "wife??" as he nervously looks away.

"When did you get married?" I ask

"5 days ago" she answers.

"Wooow. This is great!" I tell her.

I continue catching up with the other couple until our table is ready for dinner and I separate myself from them. I fill my friends in on the ordeal and tell them what had happened previously to which they say "%#@$ him."

At the end of our dinner, I decide to head over to say bye and feel someone grab me by the waist. I turn around, thinking that it was my gay friend, and come face to face with Roger who gives me a hug.

"So how you been?" he asks.

"You're married now? So was this before or after you proposed to me?" I ask him.

"Uuh....." he says as I trail off to find his friends.

I didn't care that he was married; if you ask me, he was duping everyone. What pissed me off was that he could be such an asshole. I know it's silly to think about it, and it was obvious that it wasn't actually real, but I can't help but think how many other girls he fed the same story to. I knew he hadn't changed, and I knew to keep my guard up- and for good reason obviously. He just wanted to get married. Didn't matter to who really.

I met a girl

No... not in that way.... sorry to disappoint.

I firmly believe in the saying "People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime."

I met Shannon at a friend's party a couple of months back, and we just clicked from the beginning. I'm certain alcohol played a big factor in allowing me to feel comfortable enough to go back to her place along with her gay male friend, but that's beside the point.

The following weekend, she invited me out to celebrate her friend's birthday, and from that point on, we hung out every single weekend.

The kicker here though is that she was moving to NYC in December, so I made sure to exploit every outing to the maximum. We went to bars, clubs, restaurants, even BINGO out of all places and had a blast each time. We stayed in, got drunk on cheap vodka, dressed up to go out and made memories captured on film for our 3-day Halloween weekend.

During this time, I didn't even even bother to do any dating- I simply wasn't interested in giving up my girl-time for a guy. Time was limited and critical.

And this was when I realized that I didn't need to have a guy in my life to make me happy; as long as I had a strong group of friends, I was happy with that, and was sure to have fun. She came into my life for a reason, and that was to get me out of my dark, depressed moments. I can honestly say that this season was by far the easiest and funnest I've had in a VERY LONG TIME. And even though she moved away, I feel like she will remain in my heart and memories a lifetime.

Nerds.

Losing a friend

It happens every so often; you gain a friend, you lose a friend, but I've always found frienship breakups to be somewhat awkward. Is it just as easy to walk away?

I "met" Wes on a POF (single's website) almost two years ago, when I began my foray into the dating scene. He was the first person I spoke to, and because of that, developed an attachment to him. However, we never actually met in person; he was too different for me: too rough, vulgar and different from what I physically liked. I hardly talked to him during the year, and we'd reconnect every once in a while for a few weeks, and trail apart soon after. We just didn't have anything in common.

During the summer, we began talking again as I found myself single and openly searching for my next challenge. I soon found out however that he had moved away to Minnesota and was currently undergoing a harsh breakup with a girl he loved. Somewhere along the way, he finally called me and we spoke on the phone for the very first time. It was an instant connection we shared, one based on friendship.

Over the months, we talked online more often, but never on the phone. He had started school again and kept himself very occupied but always found the time to talk to me. We vaguely touched on each other's feelings, but he made it an open promise to meet up when he came back to Houston.

On Christmas Eve, Wes messaged me on Aim saying he needed to talk to someone. He'd been agonizing over the death of his brother 9 years back and couldn't stop blaming himself for what had happened. His brother was in the USMC and was killed in Iraq. He opened up about losing over 35 people in the last 8 years and couldn't bring himself to lose any more, hence why he'd kept me at such a distance all this time.

"I'd rather not know then know and lose [someone]" he said.

I could tell he was hurting, and I tried so hard to help, but I couldn't possibly fathom what he'd experienced. I couldn't put myself in his place. The more I tried, the more he pushed me away, telling me to walk away while I still could. He said he couldn't be helped, and that ever since he'd been out of the military himself, couldn't stop dwelling on his losses and fighting his own demons.

So I cracked. I gave up.

Ren: You want me to walk away from you?
Wes: It'd be best for you to be honest.
Ren: I'm hurt. But if you want me to do that for you,
Wes: Doesn't matter about me Ren....
Ren: There's not much else I can do
Wes: Save yourself while you can.

I felt a lump in my throat, rejected, and my heart actually hurt from losing someone again, even if it wasn't romantic. I shed a few tears, and thought hard about the decision I'd made.

I feel that perhaps I gave up too easily; maybe the alcohol got to him, and he was talking nonsense. Either way, I deleted him from Facebook and Aim as well that night and we haven't spoken since then.

Did I do the right thing?

I loved his colleagues

I don't know if they're thinking the same thing about me, but I personally have to say I fell in love with them. They are the type of people I could totally be myself with. I don't have to impress or really think twice about how they view me.

We met up for pizza around 11-ish, before the movie, even though none of us really wanted to eat. Sebastian ordered a medium pizza for everyone, but I could only grab a slice because the $50 per person lunch he'd taken me to earlier that day at the Brazilian steakhouse was still whooshing around in my stomach. It's expensive, but soooo well worth the experience. You can definitely taste the quality of the meal. I'm not talking about the $50 in your mouth, but when you spend most of your time dining at Applebee's 2 for $20 deal meal, you are definitely taken aback with their menu.

Sebastian ended up having about 5 different types of meats. Their salad bar was just as delicious. The food melts in your mouth.

As we met his colleagues, I was instantly greeted with wide smiles and laughter. The feel-good type of laughter. I didn't talk much, but that's only because I'm rather shy around new people and first meetings. It takes me a bit to warm up to people.

We then went onto to RHPS to catch the show and had a great time as we watched one of the colleagues experience her first live audience show.

For Valentine's Day, I was left with babysitting my sisters because my mom worked. Sebastian still came over to take us out to eat, and to please my sisters, opted for a Chinese buffet on our side of town.

Overall, everything came out good. Sebastian tried to slide in the Japan trip again in between conversations by telling me he'd been practicing more lessons on his way to work. He looked at me and said "You're coming with me right?"

Uh.....uh..... am I?

"I wasn't invited" I answered.

He looks at me and says "Ren, you know you're welcome to come-"

Oh great, that's nice!

-"well, actually, I don't know now that you don't have a job [nervous laughter.] I mean, I haven't planned anything formal yet, and I don't know if I'll be able to afford for the both of us [laughs.] I guess we'll see!" he finished.

Damn it, my dreams were crushed faster than they were built.

Getting a good job has become my ticket to travel now! Blargh

The meeting of his colleagues

Finally, after 6 months of him going on and on about his colleagues, I get to meet them tonight. Where are we going you might ask? No other than to see the Rocky Horror Picture Show.

Sebastian might actually be more excited than expected about this meetup tonight. I see it as any other Rocky showing; Maybe it's because I've seen it about..... 5 times last year and it's been enough. The reason why I like going is no other than to bring a virgin to the show- a person who's never experienced the movie with audience participation. I'll admit the movie still gives me the creeps, but the first time I saw it, I was hooked. The experience was so much fun, I was ecstatic about seeing it again a few years later.

But the reason why I'm actually looking forward to tonight is because I'll finally be introduced to the people he works with. Since the beginning, I've managed to be introduced to only two others. They were a lot of fun, a bit different, but I didn't mind. It was the act of being introduced and included that made me feel appreciated. Silly, maybe- but with a private guy like Sebastian, I was lucky to get anything at all.

I expect it to go without a hitch; they are older than me- by at least 10 years I think, so I can only hope they don't go off about science or politics with each other. These are subjects I'm no expert on, and a bit ignorant compared to their vast knowledge.  If you suggest talking about culture, I'll go all off. 

We are making progress. Definitely at a s.n.a.i.l.'s pace, but some progress at least.

Valentine's Day tomorrow: I get to spend it babysitting my sisters as I'm making mah greens.

Have fun peoples.

Current Updates

With the New Year comes New Resolutions. In recent years, I've been able to keep 2/3 of them, mainly because I am realistic and only aim for 3. This year is no different. My resolutions, (although not goal-oriented ones) for this year are:

1. Being more physically active/ Exercise
2. Continuing with School
3. Working on optimism, happiness and self confidence.

A few blogs ago, I realized I needed a change to help extinguish my depression. Sebastian has way too much self confidence and a big ego, which leaves me vulnerable and feeling very low.  I know that by being this way, I am putting my relationship at risk. No one wants to hang out with a pooper, and I've been told by a few people, Sebastian included, that I need to be active to help boost my mood.

So on Monday, while extremely bored at work, I began thinking of ways to become more physically active, and concluded that the gym was the best way to go. I went to the 24-hour fitness website to look for trial passes, and googled my way to a 14-day pass instead.

 Once out of work, I hesitated for the full 20 minute ride back to my apartment. Following are the excuses and roadblocks I was giving myself.

Will I have the time?
Classes start soon.
I'd like to get that part time job for the Census this year.
Will I truly commit to going every week?
Can I really afford the $30/month on my budget?
What schedule should I follow?
Should I eat before/after?
What am I really expecting from this?
I still have to go to the college enrollment office today.
I'm very sleepy.

As I pulled into the parking lot of my complex, I gave myself one final push:
Quit making up excuses and do it already! What's 1 hour a day going to cost you? A bag of chips in front of the TV, that's what!

So I went to my college campus to enroll in the classes, and went back to my apartment to get a change of workout clothes. I drove to one of the gyms and was immediately intimated by the full parking lot.

I bet there's a lot of "resolvers" in there.
I'm embarassed to go in.
It's too full! I can't park anywhere.

And I chickened out until the "other me" told me to keep driving to the other gym, just 2 miles down the road.

Once at the other gym, I felt a little more optimistic, yet still intimated. I remember a few months back going into the same gym with a member, and being hassled into signing up before even starting the trial.

You're not going to get me this time. I'm going to try it out on my own terms. No pressure.

I did the tour, and the counselor tried to get me started, telling me the offer was expiring on wednesday. I told him I'd still want to try first to see if I could really commit. He let me go, and I started on the treadmill, walking for 25 minutes, and running for the last 5. I continued with weights, working on my arms and abs.

I left nearly 90 minutes later, feeling very good. I repeated the same task the following day and felt energized and hyper. I went home, took a very long shower and felt great.

I've only told a few people about my new routine, but have not mentioned it to Sebastian. I don't want him to think that this is a phase that I'm going to drop right away, or point out that I don't look toned or thinner if I don't get results fast enough. I've barely begun to change my eating habits and incorporate more vegetables and fruits. It's tough, but I want it to work.

I'm mainly doing this to boost my energy/mood levels and give me endorphins. Losing weight would be an added bonus.

So here's to a new start.

A better me.

I need a change

What do you do when your friends and boyfriend don’t like each other?


I never thought I’d come to see the day. However, in time, I’ve come to understand that while their opinions are important, I think they have an interest in my well being.

Live for yourself. Be happy. I try to do that. I’m actually very selfish now. I lived for my parents far too long and right now….. I just don’t care what they think. It’s a lot easier now that I’m not living under their roof, so it’s not as if they can continue controlling me or influencing me on things that won’t make me personally happy.

Luckily, they approve of Sebastian…. But it’s only because I don’t mention him much….. or the negative aspect of the relationship.

My friends and Sebastian on the other hand…… they hear it all.

Sometimes I wonder if they really do have my best interest at heart, or if they’re jealous that I’m with someone and having fun, but I’m not conceited enough to think that.

About a month before Sebastian broke up with me the first time, I was sad; in the dumps. I wasn’t happy at all, and it was all because of him. He wasn’t making me happy. There weren’t strong enough emotions to put my walls down….. and I protected myself far too much. I was overly pessimistic that it wouldn’t last long, but I was too selfish to end it myself. I wanted someone to spend time with. I wanted the companionship, and truth is…. He wanted it too.

My friend told me to get out. If I wasn’t happy, why continue?

“He’s a good guy” I said.

“But you’re not happy” she countered.

“I know. You’re right. Maybe time will change things” I hoped.

The day they met him, something happened. I found out something that hurt me. It involved his cell, his ex-wife and text messages. You get the idea.

My friends were very mad. Even though he was all smiles and fun with the group, the girls slowly distanced themselves from him and let me make my own decision.

I continued with him because we had only been dating 2 weeks, and the text messages were just a couple of days into our dating; but my friends never really got over it. They blocked him from that day.

My other friend didn’t approve of him either. She only met him once. And it only took one time to judge him (in addition to me talking about my insecurities). Recently, she confessed that I could do so much better. He was too “arrogant” and carried a big ego.



“I know. He told me. He has very high self esteem, and mine is very low. We know this about each other, and it does a number on me,” I admitted.

Thing is, Sebastian doesn’t like her either. He considers her self-involved and conceited.

I understand them both. I’m at fault. I speak about them to the other…. And most times, it tends to be negative because that’s the only time I’ll really share about my friends…….. when things are going bad between us.

I’m a bad person.

I’m embarrassed to bring them together; there’s tension in the air.

My coworker doesn’t say anything, but I can read it in his eyes. He doesn’t approve either, but he respects my relationship. I can sense him thinking “You made the wrong choice by going back together. I watched you cry. I saw you hurt. You don’t deserve him.”

After speaking to my friend, I recognized that because I have such low self esteem, I don’t speak up. I’m concentrated on the negative so as to not be disappointed by the outcome. I’m disappointed by the way I look, and I hang my head low.

The time has come to change things. I need to explore more, accomplish things for myself, and climb out of this box. Put the fear away, not care about what people think, and build thicker skin.

That, and continue with college this semester. School is the only thing that ever made me truly happy. Stressed and anxious, but proud of myself, and very very happy.

Bare it all men!

Oh what a night.......

To celebrate my 25th birthday upon my return from Europe, my girlfriends decided to give me the ultimate night out- A night that I never plan to forget- that is if I could remember all of it.

I had decided to make plans with my friends for the weekend because Sebastian would be out on vacation in California from Friday till Wednesday. My friend Jennifer (once a colleague) asked me if I wanted to go out to drinks and then to a club on friday night. I know they're into Latin music, and since I'm not, I hesitated to accompany them. She gave me the name of the place where they planned to go, and I did some research online to find out what kind of club it was exactly. I found this link which didn't show anything on the front page. But it didn't take me long to look up on the header and read "Houston Hottest Male Strippers." I quickly texted her back.

Ren: LA BARE is a strip club isn't it????

Jennifer: jajajajajaja

Ren: Well, I'll play dumb and say I didn't know what it was

Jennifer: Lol. Better. So we're going?

Ren: Yeah sure. Where do we meet?

Jennifer: Wooohooo ur casa?

Ren: Sure. I'm in between anyways.

Right after work, I went to Sebastian's to pick him up and take him to the airport. I wished him farewell and began driving back to his place so I could catch up on my shows, when he called me 15 minutes later.

Sebastian: Oh my god I feel so stupid. I screwed up bad Ren.

Ren: What do you mean? What's wrong?

Sebastian: I don't know how I did this, but my flight was yesterday. And there's no refunds so I just lost all my money.

I felt terrible. He had been looking forward to this trip for a long time as he hadn't seen his parents or friends in three years. At the same moment I felt a dilemma coming into play- I wanted to console him, but I didn't want to cancel on my friends (and nooooo, the strippers aren't what enticed me.) I went back to the airport to pick him up and drive him back to his apartment. Once in the car, Sebastian said "I'm sorry. I didn't mess up your plans tonight did I?" I quickly shot him a pity look and said "No sweetie, you didn't. I already made plans with the girls and I can't cancel on them." "Oh ok" he answered.

I stayed with him for about an hour until I headed back to my place to clean up and await to greet my friends. We soon started talking and drinking beer- whereas I went straight for the vodka in my freezer, made myself two "screwdrivers" and the girls requested "taconazos" (beer and tequila in a shot glass.)

Most of us, with the exception of the driver, were already tipsy by the time we left my apartment, and quickly made our way to the club. Since the girls had VIP cards, they requested I be brought in for free as it was my birthday. We took our seat near the front and I was handed out dollar bills by my friends.

I was nervously giggling the entire time. Actually, I remember laughing so hard my head hurt. Most of the night ended up happening very fast, but I do remember being pushed onto the stage and my head rammed into their crotches. One of the guys slowly danced on me and placed my hand on his chest.

Stubble.

As he blew into my ear and neck, I couldn't help but feel a little excited, but not entirely turned on. He kissed me as I placed the dollars in his briefs.

They never got completely nude. They were mainly dancing provocatively in their briefs, or humping the girls that did request lap dances. I wasn't interested in it so I passed up on that.

By closing time, my friends decided to get something to eat at a taco stand nearby and make our way to an after hours club. We made it to the taco stand, ate and mysteriously ran into Jennifer's boyfriend there. My friends think he was spying on her because he didn't acknowledge her greeting. He seemed peeved.

One of the girls wanted to keep drinking and suggested we go back to my apartment to get the rest of the alcohol from my freezer. At this point, I don't remember going up the stairs, or drinking more, but I do remember emptying out my purse to switch bags. And somewhere along the night, I lost my paycheck.

I remember getting into Jennifer's car to drive out to the club, but apparently I fell asleep in the car. At about 4am, Jennifer wakes me to drop me off at my apartment again, and says "We're home!" I ask what happened and she told me that we had to take one of the girls back home because she started work in a few hours that morning, but somewhere along the way, got lost and went around in circles. What should have been one intersection over ending up taking us to the next town. That's how drunk the other girl was.

The next morning, I awoke at 10am feeling queasy and with a bit of heartburn. My stomach started doing funny things and quickly sent me running to the bathroom with a case of the sh*ts. Does anyone else get this after they've drunk??

Soon after, I started looking for my paycheck and couldn't find anywhere. I honestly could not remember where I placed it and had to tell my boss at work on Monday that I'd lost it over the weekend. When asked how I had lost it, I simply stated the obvious "I don't know" while turning to my colleague to admit "I was so drunk I can't remember what the hell I did with it!"

I didn't tell Sebastian what I had done that Friday night as he hadn't asked me where I'd gone with Jennifer. However, during the course of the weekend, he asked me if I'd ever gone to a male strip club and I said yes. Surprised he said "Really...??" as he stripped and slowly started gyrating his hips and groin at me "Yeah. But they keep their briefs on when they dance, so it's no big deal." I answered. "Yeah, the girls do too." he replied.

The girl who's never been kissed

Peach is a girl who's never been kissed. She's 25 years old, going on 26 in January. And she's not that ugly.

Actually, when we were in high school, we all wanted to give her a makeover. Her wardrobe was still stuck in the 80s and her hair was horrible. She was part hispanic and black. She's really light skinned, but her hair was a disaster. She had premature graying, and it was brittle almost to the point of breaking. She practically had her hair in one big braid or a bun all year long.

And she was a pushover. She was extremely nice and very intelligent, but everyone walked over her. She was so nice to the point of getting on our last nerves. And she was poor. She had to rely on other people for transportation, and because she couldn't give anything in return, she was forgotten.

My friend used to give her a ride to school in the morning. She did it for about 2 weeks and gave up because she didn't deem her cool enough to hang out with us. I can't blame her; When you're young, you're immature and you stick with the people that are like you. My friend came from a wealthy family and didn't want to be stuck with a poor girl in our group. Plus, this girl was very innocent. She practically had virgin ears, and we always had to watch our mouths. What's fun about lunch period when you can't make lewd jokes?

Peach, found me on facebook, and as I could expect, she was still the same. She was stuck working the same crap ass job at Kmart, while attending University. She lived at home helping her mom with her siblings, and she didn't have a car. My guesses are she helped her family financially. She's about to graduate next year with her bachelor's and I'm hoping she can get a real job and make a life for herself; although I don't see her making a fortune with a Sociology degree.

I can't help but wonder if the reason why she's still dateless and a virgin is because of her relationship with God. She's very spiritual and turns to God for everything. I agree that some of it can be a drag to a guy, hell, it was a bit of a downer when I dated a very religious Catholic. He would cut our dates short to go to mass in the evenings.

WTF?

Is it a turn off when you meet someone and you have to be careful with your words? At this point, all I can assume is that she'll have to meet someone from church. Then again, some guys may appear to be completely innocent, when most of them want sex.

Being Single Sucks... sort of

There was a point in my life where I had an enormous amount of time all to myself. It was both sad and satisfying. I think as a result, I've developed acute depression. I used to be chipper, and hyper as hell. Then, I moved out of California, away from the sunshine, to Houston and got stuck with the unbearable humidity in return. I spent 4 months in Houston, recently single, without a car, job or school until I decided I'd had enough. I went to France for a little under 6 months to try to knock some joy into my life.

It was probably the worst feeling ever.

I got to reconnect with some old classmates and relatives, but the only thing I was after was attention. I needed comfort and compassion. I needed to be held. I needed to feel wanted and loved again. It never happened. I ended up falling for the wrong guys that wouldn't give anything in return, or worse- desperately accepting anyone who would.

I came back to Houston the following year, with a chip on my shoulder the size of an iceberg. My whole purpose of trekking out to another country was to experience excitement and adventures. Though I got to pick up the language again and managed to create some lasting friendships, I was not the same person I had been.

I was quieter. I still loved to laugh and make jokes with my family, but over time, I became bitter and more negative. I had (and still have) low self esteem, so I always felt that I was never good enough. For almost two years, my friend in France talked to me every single day via MSN. Being single, he could understand the frustration I was experiencing at the moment.

But I found the time to do my own things. I managed to finish my 2 year degree in record time, and for the first time ever, I wasn't actively looking for a partner. I was happy being single. I repeatedly told myself that if I was involved with someone, I would forget about everything else and push my priorities aside- which I did when I started dating at the beginning of this year.

Being single meant being able to do whatever I wanted, at anytime. Granted that I was still living at home and wasn't able to leave at 10pm for say, a visit to the pub, I still enjoyed the ocasional movie in bed. I started watching various series and reading books I'd purchased without looking.  There were no dinners, no trips to the movies, and no one to do special activities with.

In a sense, being single gives you freedom. But being single also gives you solitude, which is dangerous for a person like me. You start to question your entire existence in search of reasoning.

Luckily I've met people along the way, and even though I don't actively spend time with them because they are usually in large groups and I'm rather shy, I still enjoy the ocassional dinner and talk with some of them.

I snoop for my own bad

I will admit that every once in a while I snoop through Sebastian's phone.

And most of the time, I really don't like what I find.

Be it phone calls or text between his ex-wife, I think I'm just looking for a reason to not like him anymore. But it's getting harder and harder the more time we end up spending together.

As a result, we ended up spending this entire past weekend together. And I know I'm only hurting myself, but it's just so difficult to part ways. It's convenient having him there. I think I want to blame BEG on it for this one, because for the first real weekend on my own, he finally went away to a real jobsite. After months of sitting on his ass without any real job interaction, he got called out to San Antonio to fix a motor on an oil rig. He was away the entire weekend, and we had minimal contact.

Sebastian was there for me from Friday on, continuing to nurse me back to health, alternating our sleepovers between his place and mine. I had to buy him a bath sponge so he'd have one to shower with, and he bought an extra toothbrush to leave his old one at my place. We ended up watching TV most of the time because I have cable, and he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't have a TV anymore because he gave it to me.

BEG crossed my mind a couple of times, and I think it was due to the lack of attention that I usually get from him via text and aim. I've come to realize now that I'm a total starved attention "whore" for lack of a better word. It makes me feel better when I get attention- even if it's not from the right guy. Any attention is good attention. I saw a missed call from him while I was out to dinner with Sebastian, and didn't bother to call back. I mean..... when could I? We were together the entire time, and I felt it would be rude to return the call in front of him, even if he does encourage me to date.

See- that's the part that gets to me. How can Sebastian not get jealous? The more we talked about his past, the more I realize that maybe he's not meant to be with just one person. (And actually, he has told me this before- he doesn't believe in complete monogamy forever. He doesn't believe in the idea of marriage as everlasting.) He's got an awesome character, and I love that about him, but how could you possibly let the love of your life (ie: the Japanese Girl) walk away when you had a chance to keep her? She didn't break up up with him after he cheated on her (with his current ex-wife), he broke up with her. The Japanese Girl was actually willing to make it work, but he decided not to. Now, years later, he talks about regret for not marrying her, and regrets marrying the wrong one.

Was it really love? Or just a notion?

I mean, I know I loved my last boyfriend. I've suffered depression ever since we broke up, and I've never been the same as I was before. I don't smile or laugh the same I used to, and I do regret ending things with him, but I can't keep beating myself over it. It just causes more pain and distraught.


I'm not going to lie and say I don't envision the thought of an ideal marriage with Sebastian- I don't see anything wrong with him. It just pains me that he doesn't view it the same way as I do. And it hurt me even more the more time we spent together because we were getting to a point where we were finishing each others' sentences. We were thinking the same thing, and reacting the same under certain circumstances. I haven't had that happen in years- it takes a long time to achieve that. And even though my heart tells me it's happening with the right person, my head tells me not to enjoy or believe it.

This weekend, Sebastian continued on his search for a car because his Tercel finally died out. I went with him to the bank to help him in getting information about loans- and I felt like we were a couple. I was his support, and he was glad and didn't hesitate to take my suggestions. I loved it. I felt great about being able to help him, and I enjoyed the fact that he was taking my suggestions seriously about what kind of vehicle to purchase. He kept asking me about my opinion on the matter. After much research, he finally decided it was best to buy used instead of new.


I can't help but feel a little jealous about the new girl he will one day replace me with. She'll get to have all the fun driving around in his car.

Late last night, Sebastian asked me if I was planning to come over to have dinner with him tonight because he was going to make spaghetti. I felt a sense of relief being able to say that I couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. I don't like to give him all my available time. I want to be able to have my own, especially since we're not officially an item. I don't feel he deserves it for me to be on call 7 days a week.



[side note: I wasn't able to update this past weekend because I was involved with Sebastian throughout all 48 hours, and because I've just recently lost my open connection to the internet. While I will make every effort to write daily, I may not be able to publish]