Monday, September 14, 2009

I snoop for my own bad

I will admit that every once in a while I snoop through Sebastian's phone.

And most of the time, I really don't like what I find.

Be it phone calls or text between his ex-wife, I think I'm just looking for a reason to not like him anymore. But it's getting harder and harder the more time we end up spending together.

As a result, we ended up spending this entire past weekend together. And I know I'm only hurting myself, but it's just so difficult to part ways. It's convenient having him there. I think I want to blame BEG on it for this one, because for the first real weekend on my own, he finally went away to a real jobsite. After months of sitting on his ass without any real job interaction, he got called out to San Antonio to fix a motor on an oil rig. He was away the entire weekend, and we had minimal contact.

Sebastian was there for me from Friday on, continuing to nurse me back to health, alternating our sleepovers between his place and mine. I had to buy him a bath sponge so he'd have one to shower with, and he bought an extra toothbrush to leave his old one at my place. We ended up watching TV most of the time because I have cable, and he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't have a TV anymore because he gave it to me.

BEG crossed my mind a couple of times, and I think it was due to the lack of attention that I usually get from him via text and aim. I've come to realize now that I'm a total starved attention "whore" for lack of a better word. It makes me feel better when I get attention- even if it's not from the right guy. Any attention is good attention. I saw a missed call from him while I was out to dinner with Sebastian, and didn't bother to call back. I mean..... when could I? We were together the entire time, and I felt it would be rude to return the call in front of him, even if he does encourage me to date.

See- that's the part that gets to me. How can Sebastian not get jealous? The more we talked about his past, the more I realize that maybe he's not meant to be with just one person. (And actually, he has told me this before- he doesn't believe in complete monogamy forever. He doesn't believe in the idea of marriage as everlasting.) He's got an awesome character, and I love that about him, but how could you possibly let the love of your life (ie: the Japanese Girl) walk away when you had a chance to keep her? She didn't break up up with him after he cheated on her (with his current ex-wife), he broke up with her. The Japanese Girl was actually willing to make it work, but he decided not to. Now, years later, he talks about regret for not marrying her, and regrets marrying the wrong one.

Was it really love? Or just a notion?

I mean, I know I loved my last boyfriend. I've suffered depression ever since we broke up, and I've never been the same as I was before. I don't smile or laugh the same I used to, and I do regret ending things with him, but I can't keep beating myself over it. It just causes more pain and distraught.

I'm not going to lie and say I don't envision the thought of an ideal marriage with Sebastian- I don't see anything wrong with him. It just pains me that he doesn't view it the same way as I do. And it hurt me even more the more time we spent together because we were getting to a point where we were finishing each others' sentences. We were thinking the same thing, and reacting the same under certain circumstances. I haven't had that happen in years- it takes a long time to achieve that. And even though my heart tells me it's happening with the right person, my head tells me not to enjoy or believe it.

This weekend, Sebastian continued on his search for a car because his Tercel finally died out. I went with him to the bank to help him in getting information about loans- and I felt like we were a couple. I was his support, and he was glad and didn't hesitate to take my suggestions. I loved it. I felt great about being able to help him, and I enjoyed the fact that he was taking my suggestions seriously about what kind of vehicle to purchase. He kept asking me about my opinion on the matter. After much research, he finally decided it was best to buy used instead of new.

I can't help but feel a little jealous about the new girl he will one day replace me with. She'll get to have all the fun driving around in his car.

Late last night, Sebastian asked me if I was planning to come over to have dinner with him tonight because he was going to make spaghetti. I felt a sense of relief being able to say that I couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. I don't like to give him all my available time. I want to be able to have my own, especially since we're not officially an item. I don't feel he deserves it for me to be on call 7 days a week.

[side note: I wasn't able to update this past weekend because I was involved with Sebastian throughout all 48 hours, and because I've just recently lost my open connection to the internet. While I will make every effort to write daily, I may not be able to publish]

No comments:

Post a Comment