Tuesday, September 1, 2009

I don't think I'm ready to date

As much as I'd like to have someone to share my time with, I know I'm emotionally unstable to even begin a relationship with someone.

I don't see myself with the blue eyed guy.
I'm not attracted to him.
I see him as a friend to spend time with at most.

And all of it is Sebastian's fault.

See, I'm not willing to separate myself from Sebastian because he's in my comfort zone. I know I need to back away, but I'm too weak to let him go. He's always there, it's convenient and he gives me what I need.

Everything, but the emotional attachment that comes from being in a relationship. He won't give that to me.

We spent part of Saturday together when I asked him to come to Ikea with me to pick up my table (which I opted not to buy.) We had dinner and talked and he helped me pick up things for my apartment.

Then on Sunday, I woke up at 9 am, rolled around in my bed for a while, then decided to get up and go see him. I showed up at his place around 11 o'clock, and we just sat around, until he got a bug in his ass to go out and have a picnic. We went to Central Market on Westheimer and picked up salami (which wasn't too good) and brie (which was disgusting)(and I should know better- I'm French!), strawberries (good deal, $1.50 pk) sourdough baguette (not my favorite) and another type of sourdough bread, just not as sour.

We went to Memorial Park for the first time, where we had a relaxed 25 minutes before the ants started crawling on us and biting. Then we went to Phoenicia to check out their selection of salami. We've been looking for the good salami- the hard, not chewy and juicy kind- to no avail. I can't remember which kind we bought last. It's unnerving!!

Then we went back to his place and watched Weeds, got drunk (me, not him) and took care of business. 3 times. After the third time (or was it the second....?) it hit me again. The separation, and the comprehension that we weren't together, and would never be together.
He had made a comment early on in the day which had made me bitter. Then later that night, he had mentioned one of his exes again. "I should have married my Japanese ex. We'd still be together. Probably for good. "

We're not that type of friends to share those things.

I can't stand it. It shortens my breath, stings my eyes and hurts my heart to hear him say that. I'm right there still! So while I was still inebriated, I let what was really on my mind out. And it hurt. I told him he had been a man for ending our relationship, but not quite strong enough to put an end to it completely and let me grieve. I couldn't move on because he was still there. And I didn't want to move on because he was still there. I said I would be the one who'd be hurt in the end because what we had now was convenient for him. He was getting what he wanted, yet could still claim his single life. And I cautioned him that I'd be so angry when he'd move onto someone else because he claimed to not be ready to date me or anyone.

Then something hit me.

I had been too nice. I had made things too easy. It hadn't occurred to me that men want a challenge, or else they quickly lose interest. And that was what I had done. After my last boyfriend, I had changed. I had become very nice and attentive. I had become all the things that he wanted me to be but was to stubborn to do. And I had given Sebastian all of that when he didn't deserve it.

I have recently noticed that if I ignore Sebastian or become distant, he cuddles up with me and becomes even more amorous. If I don't give him attention, he comes looking for it. I noticed that I had to be a little tough with him as well to make it more interesting. And I never picked up on that. I was too busy being overly nice, and in the end, I was dumped.

I feel sorry for the next guy- cause I'm going to be a bitch to him.

It's a vicious cycle.

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