Tuesday, September 29, 2009

I don't know what I want with Men

So I've known for some time now that BEG's still dating around. Early on last week, he broke up with the other girl he was seeing because he wasn't feeling it. When I asked him how far he had taken things with her he said without flinching "You mean sexually? Oh, all the way."

Damn, and I thought you only slept with girls you were in a committed relationship with.

Since then, I went onto Plenty of Fish and saw that his last sign in was early on the same morning.

This guy is definetely fishing.

But you know what? I've learned to accept it because I'm not being completely honest either. I'm still seeing Sebastian, and though he told me he wouldn't want to know if I was seeing someone else until I admit I'm no longer interested in him, I still feel I need to be honest on that. But I haven't yet decided what to do about that.  Sebastian and I get along good, and if I wasn't so nervous with BEG, I might be willing to let things progress.

But a part of me wants to intentionally sabotage it. Ren wants to rebel to get a rush. I long for excitement. I've been down in the dumps ever since I moved to Houston, and I want to live life once again. The more time I spend with Sebastian, the more I'm finally able to see more of his flaws. Maybe this whole "friends with benefits" could work out, I don't know. Maybe I'll learn to get over him and slowly begin letting him go rather than just cut off ties abruptly. I don't know. It's just my way of thinking for the moment. And as long as I'm not upset or.... heartbroken, I feel I'm okay with the decisions I'm making in my personal life.

I don't know if BEG is what I need. Maybe he is, or maybe he's just the rebound. Maybe with time I can learn to see Sebastian as the friend I truly need. I don't know.

The other day, I was feeling it was time to come clean with BEG, and tell him that I didn't think it would work out. We've been "dating" for over a month, and I want to tell him that although I might regret it later, I don't want to be in a relationship right now. I don't want the same things he does. Or maybe we do. I don't know. I know he wants to spend those lonely nights with someone, and to have someone miss him when he's gone on jobs. Hell, that's what he told me he wanted for himself. "I want someone to miss me while I'm gone. I want someone to text when I'm far away sitting on a job somewhere. I want to come home to be with someone. Sit on the couch, cuddle and watch a movie. Have dinner with them. I want to feel needed."

I don't blame him. I want that too, I just don't want the stress or the tension to have to put out when he needs it.  What's the point of going through all the awkwardness with BEG when Sebastian is available and are both content with the "relationship" we have? I would only be adding BEG to my list. He'd be just another notch on my wall.

No thank you. I want my security deposit back when I move out.

No comments:

Post a Comment