Saturday, April 9, 2011

April Fool's Prank

I've tried hard during the last few years to get someone good on April 1st. It has worked out pretty well, and this year, I decided to try out my luck on Matt, the ex-marine.

The reason it worked out so well was because we'd recently had sex. In his own words: "You just about killed me though. Almost chocked. Good one. Not original, but the timing played out perfectly."

And so long 'til next year's prank....

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

I was passed up on sex

Phillip had called me asking me if I had any plans for Friday night. I really didn't, and he suggested we meet up for drinks about halfway in between our houses. I left around 9-ish or so, and met him shortly after at a loud bar off of highway 290. We embraced each other in a long and hard hug when we greeted, and made our way in to a table out on the patio.

I hadn't seen Phillip for a couple of months now; the last time we'd hung out, we'd ended up having sex after quite a few drinks, and I just realized now that I never wrote about it. I'll admit it was fun, but he definitely knew how to get under my skin and make me crave for the sex even though he was.... unfortunately, not well endowed. My friend Shannon and I call him "tiny penis"- maybe it would be easier to refer to him as that?

OK... so he's not tiny, he's just... the smallest I've come across, and he knows this. He still does the job very well, but damnit- I'm telling the story here. SO sush.

Anyway, that night, I was prepared to not suggest we have sex. It's not that I wasn't in the mood (although at the time I wasn't) but I wanted to try to hold out so that he'd be the one to ask me for it. We talked for a couple of hours, had a pretty good time, talking about what we'd been up to recently. He admitted that he didn't like us having sex as a result of being drunk, and went on to open up about how unhappy he still was after the breakup from his girlfriend back in September. He couldn't get over it, and was still harboring strong feelings for her. He kept telling me that sex just seemed empty to him, and even though he enjoyed himself in the moment, he didn't like the way he felt afterward.

Slowly approaching midnight and feeling buzzed myself, I heard the following words escape my mouth a little too late "I'm feeling pretty antsy right now. Want to go back to my place?"

Fuck. What the hell did I just say?

As soon as Phillip put down his drink on the table and said "Let's go," I was game. Yep, my libido wakes up rather quickly.

We walked out to our cars and tried to agree on which way to head home, since I was a bit unfamiliar. It was a string of You follow me? Or do you know how to get there? I can't take the tollway. Ok, I'll take the feeder. Don't drive too fast. Oh I need to stop by for cigarettes. Oh forget it, I have some at my place. You have cigarettes at your place? Why? Don't lie to me!

 The time it took me to punch in the directions back on my iphone, Phillip called me saying "Hey, I'm just gonna go home. It's after midnight. By the time we get to your place it'll be 1. We won't be done until after 2, and I have work at 8 the next morning."

Mind you- I was pissed. 

"Um, ok. Whatever." I angrily shot back.
"Are you mad? We'll go out tomorrow, and I don't have work on Sunday" he counter-offered.
"Whatever" I said again.
"Please don't be mad. It's just that it's so late" he pleaded.
"Ok, whatever" I repeated.

It's one thing to tease me about sex, but entirely another when you offer it, and take it away right from under my nose.

I grumpily drove home and got into bed alone.

Fuck you fuck you fuckyou and your tiny penis!

The next day, Phillip texts me during his shift.

Phillip: Wanna have sober sex?
Ren: Why?
Phillip: Why not?
Ren: Cause even you don't have sober sex.
Phillip: Well I'm offering.
Ren: Why?
Phillip: Nevermind.

I was still pissed, and didn't want to have sex. I asked him about our plans for later that night and he said he'd call me later during the day. I went out with my family to a horse show that day and didn't hear from him. As I was going back to pick up my car, Phillip calls me and I ask him again, "You need to let me know, cause if we don't hang out, I'm going to my mom's cause I'm really close by."

"Hold on, I'm really tired. I worked 13 hours today. Just give me like 10 minutes" he said.
"No, I need to know now. Cause if we go out, then I need to drive back to my place and get ready. If we're not going out, you need to tell me so I can go spend time with my sisters" I pressed.
"I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Hold on" he reassured me.

Assuming he'd call back, I decided to forgo my sisters, and head back to my apartment. 30 minutes later, still no sign. I was started to get frustrated simply because I had passed up on my sisters for a guy!

He never called that night, or the next day.

I went ahead and unfriended him from my Facebook and placed his contact on my phone as "Unknown Caller" so that if he called, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and an unknown number. (I do that to people I no longer want to talk to...)

Later that evening, I hear my phone ring with the name "Unknown Caller"  featured on the screen.


Then I remembered I had filed Wes under that name as well, [the verbal abuser, also sometimes referred to as "Minnesota guy," since he's living there now.]

Crap Crap.

I texted Shannon and said "Unknown Caller! Unknown Caller!!!"
Ren: Who could it be...? Tiny Penis.....or.....Minnesota guy.....?
Shannon: lmfao

I let it ring.

Ren: Oh shit. It was Minnesota guy. I was betting it was Tiny Penis.
Shannon: Lol u answered?
Ren: Lol. He texted "Doing ok?" and I asked "Were you the one that just called?" lol. "Yes." "Yes, I'm fine. Watching TV. Getting ready for work tomorrow." "Ok. I won't bother you." "No Prob." "Bye."
Shannon: Lol! He's crazy.
Ren: .... And it was done.. Again. lol.

A few days later I relapsed again and texted Wes. I asked him why he'd texted me, and if it had been because he was drinking and lonely, to which he said "No, I was just thinking about you."

I begged him to not write to me anymore, especially if we couldn't be friends. "If we can't be friends, then we don't need to talk" I wrote him. "Just assume I'm doing fine. I'll be ok."

That was a week ago. I'm hoping that's the end of it. In the meantime, there's writing, work, and OkCupid.

That's right. I have logged back on to OkCupid with a new profile to combat stress and meet new conversationalists like myself.

Monday, April 4, 2011

Where's the condom?

[continued from Previous Post]

I finally walked in to my apartment around 9:30pm on Monday night, finally able to relax and breathe a sigh of tranquility. I got to my phone and messaged Matt, the ex-Marine, which I'd previously had a fling with during the summer, and an out-of-the blue cyber session turned real. We'd been talking through Facebook and texting casually over the last couple of weeks, making jokes and trying to keep conversation going, being discreetly flirtatious. Albeit forced, but in the least, entertained when nothing else was going on.

Ren: Come change my clocks. I'm too short
Matt: Ok. I'll be over soon.
Ren: :p
Matt: I'll leave in like 30 min, I'll come change your clocks.
Ren: I'm so exhausted  [as I was getting laundry started]
Matt: :(
Ren: Wait. Are you serious?
Matt: lol. I was!
Ren: Oh.
Ren: Um. Ok.
Matt: Lol. You are exhausted and I'm sure you work in the morning though.
Ren: Dammit stop it!
Matt: What?
Ren: I'm sure I can find some energy somewhere. Plus, if you don't change those clocks, I'll be late to work.
Matt: lol. What time you have to be up for work?
Ren: So yeah I'm serious. 7 at the latest. I'm taking a shower right now, so that knocks out
some time for tomorrow.

10 minutes later

Ren: Are you coming.....?
Matt: Yes. I gotta take a shower though.... lol
Ren: Ok! Then I'll see you here soon.
Matt: You care if I just bum out....
Ren: What does that mean?
Matt: Just like pj's I
Ren: Oh. Yeah, it'll be two of us in that case. Well.... Clothing IS optional
Matt: Lol.
Ren: When you leaving?
Matt: I just left

30 minutes later

Matt: I'm on Wesheimer by the Galleria.

Damnit- that's still a good 15-20 minutes out!

Ren: Damn I really need to teach you how to get here.

15 minutes later

Matt: The gate open?
Ren: Should be yeah. Where are you?

Knock, knock, knock

Excited, I walked to my door, and greeted Matt. We both say hi, while I returned to my room to continue unpacking my suitcase.  Matt came into my room, and got under the covers saying he was cold. He bundled up under my blanket and I started telling him of my trip to St. Louis. I quickly realized that I also needed to pack up another suitcase to go stay at my friend's house the next few days to take care of her dog. "Aw crap. I just unpacked, and now I need to pack again. Forget it. I'll come back and do it tomorrow night. I'm too tired" I exclaimed as he laughed. I turned the lights off and got into bed with Matt, and we continued talking and making jokes. He cuddled with me tightly as I tried to get into a comfortable position on his chest, which wasn't working the way I wanted it to. I hovered over his lips, restraining myself to see which one of the two would make the first move.

He did.

We began kissing and getting comfortable and undressed in the bed, where... well, you can guess what happened. Or maybe not.

I sensed that he was ready and up at full mast, prompting me to say "Condom!" He looked at me and said "I don't have one." "Don't worry, I have one" and reached into my closet to frantically pull out a  few.

Hey, one session ain't gonna cut it mister.

As soon as I come back to bed, my dreaded failure. He's at half mast.

Son of a b...... motherf....... what the hel.....?


Why is it this happening again?? Oh God, I haven't had good sex in a while, and you're telling me that my favorite person can't perform with it? Why?

Matt tried getting the job done, but it really wasn't working.
"What's wrong?" I asked as he thrust.
"It's the condom. I can't feel anything" I honestly felt the need to say "Well you could before. So why the change damnit?" Have these guys become spoiled? I was actually expecting Matt to remain erect; it hadn't "really" been a problem in our previous encounters, so what changed? Sex with a flaccid penis isn't fun. Neither one of us can feel anything, and it feels like "sex" with Trevor last year (poor guy...)

And not much really happened. Matt didn't orgasm, though I did (miraculously; I have no idea how.) He took the condom off, got up to the other side of the bed, and went back to cuddling, drifting off to half-sleep. When I turned my butt to his crotch, Matt saw this as an invitation and had easy access as everything was right in front of him. He attempted a few more times, and although it felt good, I was extremely nervous this time around.  
I'm fertile right now. Today is not the day to try the pull-out method!

I had to put a stop to it and tell him not to do it. It wasn't safe. Matt and I went back to sleep, though I continued waking up throughout the night. It's happened before when he's there. The next morning, I got up at 7 to get ready for work while he remained in bed. He walked me out to my car and bid each other good day. When I came back home that night, I continued cleaning up and started looking for the used condom around the night table, thinking he had dropped it on the floor. I checked the trashcans, the boxes, under the covers. Nothing.

Where the hell is that condom??

Matt hadn't used the bathroom, so I knew he hadn't flushed it down the toilet. I started worrying, thinking if the next person came to my bedroom would come upon it. Oh the embarrassment. I continued looking for it but nothing. I checked the pillow cases, behind the bed, the curtain, even the shoe box next to the bed. Nothing.

I'm confused.

I texted Shannon "I lost a condom in my room last night."
"Hahhaah, how did you do that?" she responded.
I replied "I don't know where it's at. I can't find it. He took it off and I don't know..... Man, if this is a prank, I have to say 'well played.'"

Saturday, April 2, 2011

My trip to St. Louis

I decided to take a couple of days off and visit my friend Shannon out in St. Louis for the weekend leading up to St. Patrick's. If you may remember, Shannon and I met at a mutual friend's house party back in late September. Since Shannon had bigger plans to move to New York City in December, I used to opportunity to stop dating and make a new girlfriend with whom I would go out with every single weekend.

Shannon didn't make it out to NYC when she'd expected as she didn't find adequate housing during her short vacation in December. Instead, she went back to her hometown in Misourri, and opted to find short term living in St. Louis and continue waitressing until she saved up more money for her relocation.

I left on Thursday after work, with much excitement about what Shannon had planned for us for the weekend, but I was not prepared to have a non-stop, jam-packed, vomit induced weekend.

The girl wore me out to the nub.

As soon as I stepped off the plane and into the car, Shannon whisked me away back to her place to get changed and head out to dinner, followed promptly to an 18+ club, where we quickly felt out of place. We went back home near 1:00, and I awoke completely hung over, to the worst headache the next day, which pounded in my head until late in the evening.

Oh God, how am I supposed to continue?

Shannon wouldn't take "slow down" as an excuse. We went out to the Gateway Arch the next afternoon, and stood in line to ride up the tower's arch to overlook the city from the observation deck. Later that night, we repeated the same schedule, going to a fancy restaurant and out to a club, this time, meeting a guy she'd been casually seeing, and his friends, one whom she was completely lusting over. Shannon kept whispering to me that she wanted to sleep with the friend, but wouldn't, calling it a "bitch move" to do that to her interested party's friend. It soon became apparent that the friend wanted to continue talking to me. I on the other hand, was not  interested in the least.  The friend was only good for conversation, but didn't win me over, the fact being that I was only there for a short weekend, and that my preference is for white guys (he was black.)

After one too many drinks, Shannon whispered to me "Girl, git it! Don't worry, if you want him, you should totally sleep with him, cause I can't." I simply smiled, and stopped drinking, knowing that I would have to possibly step in and drive us home that night. Shannon kept pushing the offer throughout the night, while I told her each time that I wasn't interested. Near the end of the night, I tried to hatch a plan to get the friend to drive us home so that she'd get some alone time with him.  She wouldn't accept it. She may have been completely wasted, but she still had "values" knowing that it wouldn't be an appropriate move to make to her "date" at the time. We decided to leave, with the intent of going out to IHOP so the rest of the group could "sober" up, but from the moment we walked out to the time we made it to the car, Shannon had changed her mind and wanted to go home and sleep. I decided to drive us home seeing as to how Shannon had tripped over her own two feet and fallen to the ground.

On Saturday, the next morning, we went over to watch the St. Patrick's Day Parade downtown. We had a good time and enjoyed the different groups. Afterwards we went to the Zoo and stayed until closing time, until we went home to get ready for another night out. After dinner, we went to another bar and stayed until closing time, getting robbed by one hour due to Daylight Saving Time.

On Sunday, Shannon accepted her friend's invitation to Dave & Buster's and we all went to play for a couple of hours. We had fun playing trivia, and a while later, Shannon and I went to Harrah's, the casino, to play for a while. I didn't have much luck on the slots, but Shannon won over $300 at the roulette table. I joined her and learned how to play, but only got ahead by about $40. I wasn't getting enough returns and ultimately stopped playing when I was down by $8. I still had a lot of fun though. On Sunday night, Shannon decided it would be my night to go all out and get completely drunk. She ended up taking me out to an all black club in downtown, where I immediately felt uncomfortable. "I feel like I'm on display" I told Shannon. I pushed her to get us out, feeling out of place as the only "brown and white chicks" on the dance floor. Since it was Sunday night, and no other place was open, we drove into East St. Louis, Illinois to another club that stayed open until 6:00 am.
I'm the dork on the right

Passed out on the way home
This is where I will never forgive Shannon for all the drinking she pushed me to do. Apparently, she was telling the bartender to do doubles for me, while she sipped on beer. I felt fine, until about.... well, I honestly can't remember anymore. I remember dancing with my head in her crotch, but I can't remember walking out to the car (in the rain?) and riding 40 minutes back home. I do however, remember stumbling through the front door and racing for the bathroom on the first floor and puking out my vodka cranberries down the toilet. I have never vomitted from overdrinking. NEVER. Until I met Shannon of course. I felt completely disgusted and in so much pain. The next morning, I still felt sick, and worried about my plane ride later in the evening. We went out to eat, but I couldn't muster enough courage to eat more than a few bites of my honey glazed chicken. I had hoped the white rice would help, but it only made me feel sicker. We went back home, where I finally had the chance to take a nap during my action-packed weekend.

Shannon took me to the airport amidst the light snow falling over St. Louis, and I came back home around 9:30 pm. What happened later that night was totally unexpected.....

[to be continued]