The new kid on the block

Larry was 23, had a 6-year son, and was a smoker. All red flags, but was so wise with his words that I was smitten. His profile picture made him look shy/cute, and I needed to meet someone with the hopes of getting over the IT Pilot.

We met for bingo on a Thursday night, and at almost 6'3", his long blond hair and green eyes instantly caught my attention. Picture the middle brother of the Hanson band. Exact replica.

We had a fun time at bingo, shared two pitchers of beers and cheap food, and by 10:00 p.m., decided to head over to the next bar/pub creek down the street.

Bad idea.

By then, I was drunk and not in the greatest state of mind. I had been texting my friend in NYC when I caught myself thinking about the IT Pilot.

Ren: I miss the IT Pilot
Shann: Whyyy??
Ren: Because Bingo was our hang out spot. And I've been drinking and am emotional right now.
Shann: Bingo was OUR thing. Forget about the IT Pilot. He's bad for you.

As soon as I realized what I was texting, I slowly felt my nose tingling and my eyes welling up. I could feel tears forming in my eyes. I excused myself, and walked quickly to the restroom to contain the waterworks.

When I came back about ten minutes later, Larry asked me if everything was ok. I lied and said I was, all while the IT Pilot kept riding my mind. I can't believe it- he's actually ruining this good date for me. Why can't I get over him? I thought.

Larry was a great conversationalist and tried his hardest to make me laugh even though he could tell something was wrong with me. A couple of hours later, Larry said "I don't think I'll be able to make it home tonight. I'm pretty drunk. Is it okay if I come home with you?"

Not feeling the best out of this date, and assuming it wouldn't go anywhere between us- and drunk as well- I agreed to let him stay at my place, where he could sleep on the couch.

Once we arrived at home, I felt the need to take a shower to get rid of the stickiness that is Houston humidity. While at the bar, I had been constantly texting my friends about the date as it unfolded, and had left my phone on my dresser. When I came back from my shower, Larry was in the dark in the living room getting ready to go to sleep. He was incredibly quiet and as I said good night, I checked my phone and noticed I had new texts that had already been opened.

He went through my phone! WELL F*CK.

I confronted Larry about it, and he admitted to going through my phone, saying he didn't appreciate me talking shit about someone I'd just met to people. I honestly can't recall what he read, but if memory serves me right, it could have been one of two things: 1) I had mentioned to one friend that he didn't want to take an STD test because it was a waste of money and knew he was clean and 2) I had told my other friend how much I still missed the IT Pilot.

Frankly, I didn't know which one was worse.

But I was drunk, and I didn't care about it or him to be honest, and wasn't going to lose sleep over it. So I did what any smart girl would do in a tense situation like this- I had sex with him to shut him up.

Surprisingly, this kid was packing more ammo than I'd ever need in my life. It was the biggest penis I'd ever seen. No contest. I felt slightly scared by the pain I may experience during and a couple of days following the act.

We tried, and he managed to get off rather quickly, leaving me tired, but unfulfilled. With that much ammo, he surely doesn't know how to handle the gun. Well this sucked!

We both fell asleep shortly after, and split ways the following morning to go to work.

Larry didn't pull the disappearing act, and he continued texting me continuously throughout the day, and for the days following. He came over every other day to see me, and told me he'd told his co-workers that he'd met a woman, and that she was his girlfriend.

I suddenly felt myself being suffocated.

Girlfriend? We JUST met.

Question: Why is it that women crave the attention from a guy they like, but when they receive it in abundance almost immediately without much effort, it scares them?

Answer: Because there was no chase, and it happened too quickly.

I felt smothered by Larry. I would have been over the moon had the IT Pilot expressed a fraction of Larry's eagerness towards me, but in Larry's case, it was just too much, too soon. Just like his penis and orgasms.

Larry couldn't make me orgasm- he was lazy in bed and would make me do most of the work. He would pump a few times, but quickly run out of breath; he had no stamina and couldn't keep up. Although he was lean, and had a beautiful body, he had no energy. He didn't work out and would be outdone with 30 seconds of cardio.

The more I became dissatisfied with sex between Larry and I, the more I began to feel that the relationship wouldn't last. Not only was the sex mediocre, but we constantly argued. He loved to pick fights with me, acted so immature it was frustrating. I told him repeatedly that I needed someone on the same level, and that he was too hyper and had too much energy for me. I couldn't handle him- it was like literally dealing with a 17 year old. He made jokes about everything, I couldn't hold a serious conversation with him, and the only time I actually saw myself getting along was when he was completely calm due to a hangover or being sick.

I was at my wits' ends, and tried to end things numerous times. I pushed him away on a weekly basis, but he was so persistent, that he always came back and said he wanted to make it work because he cared.

And that's when the IT Pilot popped up back into the picture.

F*ck. Again?!

A surprise from the IT Pilot

It had taken me a couple of weeks to admit to myself that Joshua had a closer relationship with alcohol then he'd ever had with another human being.

His best friend Ben Franklin had casually told me that people fell in love with Joshua when they met him at first. I could understand why. Joshua was extremely outgoing, funny, exceptionally witty and could make us laugh. If taken in small doses. But as soon as they hung out longer than that, they HATED him.

Hmmm.... I really can't see why.....

I'd spent three weeks with him, two of which had been spent fighting over the phone and arguing face-to-face. I didn't like the stress. It was unneeded and I sure as hell didn't deserve it. He didn't have much to give either- he was broke with no job and a terrible habit.

I decided that the next time he called (and got into a fight with me) I would tell him it was time to end our friendship. Which is exactly what happened.

Except he didn't really believe and/or accept it since he continued to call back to check that we weren't friends anymore, you know, just.... for real. Taking him off of Facebook didn't hint at it either. The only thing that sucked was that I'd forgotten a necklace, a Christmas gift from my mom, and a Biolage pot of conditioner balm at his place one morning before leaving for work. I definitely wasn't okay with forgetting a $25 pot of conditioner balm, so I tried to play nice and make arrangements to get my stuff back.

His friend Ben Franklin had mentioned that he'd purchased tickets to the Houston Symphony. Joshua had already gone a few times, and had suggested that I go with Ben instead, because "Ben's a great guy, and don't break your friendship with him just because of me." I'd never been to a symphony, and definitely wanted to try something new, so I picked up Ben and we went together. That night, I asked him if he could do me the favor of gathering my things from Joshua so that I wouldn't see him. And I also mentioned that I didn't want Joshua brought up in our conversations. I was done.

That same night of the symphony, Riveroaks Theatre was presenting their monthly showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show. I had originally intended to go with Joshua and Ben, but due to the circumstances, had completely kicked Joshua out of the picture.

Around this same time, the IT Pilot had made a brief appearance through texts while I was at Bingo with my mom a couple of days earlier.  Ben couldn't go to RHPS, and I couldn't find anyone else to go either, so I messaged the IT Pilot to see if he was free that night since, you know, we were on "good speaking terms":

Ren: "I'm hoping to go see Rocky Horror tonight. I wanted to know if you'd be interested in accompanying?
Pilot: I'd really like to go... I have my friends from Alabama so I'm not sure they'd wanna go.
Ren: Too crazy for them?
Pilot: One of them has a 4 year old.
Ren: I understand. My sisters weren't too happy when I took them either. Jk.
Pilot: Yeah.... I bet... lol. You mean your twins... lol

[I use "my sisters" and "my twins" when referring to my twin sisters. Except every guy who's seen me thinks of something else when I say "my twins"]

That night I ended up going to Pearl Bar to meet a guy I'd been talking to from OkCupid since before I met the IT Pilot. It was finally time to meet (as friends) to see if there was any mutual interest. There wasn't. I was bored and I left around 1:30 am and got Mexican food on my way home to indulge.

The next day, the IT Pilot texted me to ask how my weekend had been. I told him I had gone to the symphony and then to the bar.

Pilot: Cool... was it free?
Ren: Well I was invited to the symphony so yeah :) and same for Pearl.
Pilot: lol... Nice. I'm guessing you're seeing someone?
Ren: No, I went with Ben Franklin. You remember him?
Pilot: lol... yeah, I remember Ben. He was cool, just a little nerdy. I would have went with you last night to see Rocky, but I was busy with my friends. Did you go?
Ren: No, and the bar suckeddd.
Pilot: I'll go with you next month if you want.
Ren: If you remember to, sure I'll go with you. And have you managed to get any dating done?

I asked him this because I had stalked on OkCupid and saw that he had activated his dating profile again.

Pilot: Nope. lol. With what time?
Ren: Your lunch hour.
Pilot: Right.... what about you?
Ren: Not really
Pilot: Not really? Did you and Joshua?

[Silence]

Crap. What do I say...?? I had to admit that the IT Pilot was not out of the picture fully (at least in my movie.)  I was still interested, but I didn't want to lie or tell the truth about what had happened between me and Joshua. I felt if I told him the truth, he'd be disgusted, and if I lied and we got back together again, luck would have it (against all odds) that we would one day run up against Joshua and he'd make a gnarly comment about us two having sex- considering we all met each other on the same night, remember?
I know it was a hard thing to believe, but things happen for a reason and God works in mysterious ways.

So I took a deep breath and continued.

Ren: Not quite. He was really friendly at first. Then he turned into a complete asshole.
Pilot: lol... you sound like me with the answers... or not so answers.
Ren: We have communication problems. He talks, I zone out.
Pilot: Yeah I could have told you that.
Ren: Could have told me what? That he was an asshole?
Pilot: He's the guy you hang out with once a month... too much and he's a douche.

He had hit it right on the mark. It was exactly that.

Ren: Omg. Yeah!!! But I had to find out on my own.
Pilot: Yeah, he's a douche bag... but cool to laugh and hang out with a few times... can't believe you tried it. lol... Was he good at least?

I wanted to avoid the inevitable. So I played stupid.

Ren: Good what??
Pilot: Plumber. You can tell me geeesh.
Ren: He had a drinking problem too. I mean, it's not like you could tell him that, but after I hung out with him for a while, I never once saw him sober.
Pilot: So did you fuxk him?

Deep breath. And now the moment of truth. He'll probably never talk to me anymore.
Ren: Yes we had sex. Jeez that's forward.
Pilot: lol... You dodged my other attempts...
Ren: I don't see why you needed to know. I don't like talking about him. He was really mean.
Pilot: Just curious since we are friends and all ;) What did he do? Do I need to kick his ass?
Ren: Well, he actually made me cry once.
Pilot: Fuxker.... what'd he say?

I went ahead and told him about the night we'd had too much to drink and had each slept separately at his friend's house. I was trying hard to divert the fact that I had just told a potential suitor that I'd had sex within the three weeks we'd broken up.

Oh God... if only he knew of the other story with Wes. He'd think major sluttage on my part then.

At the end of my rant he said:

Pilot: Wow.... asshole. You're a really great girl and you deserve the best. If you need someone to go out and do things with, let me help you with that.... leave that fuxker alone.... I knew he was bad news the first time we met him.

The IT Pilot had surprised me. We'd never texted more than 5 texts before, and we had been texting for nearly an hour and a half so far. He asked me if I watched True Blood (which I didn't anymore) but mentioned that I watched Weeds. Surprisingly, he did too and suggested I come over to his apartment to watch them sometime.

Ren: Maybe we can get together this week and watch the first two episodes
Pilot: That'd be cool... I'm open all week.
Ren: Ok, see you Tuesday night then.

And with that, we had made plans to get together once again after being on a no-contact code for nearly a month.

to be resumed.....

The introduction of the IT Pilot

I continued my exploration of OkCupid, sending out messages to a few guys here and there, making small talk. When it comes to online dating, girls definitely have the advantage; the ratio has mainly been in our favor.

I came across a picture of a guy with a soft smile and calm expression on his face. I read his profile, and as soon as I read Muse and Deadmau5 in his list of music tastes, I was sold. He'd moved from Alabama to Houston about 5 years ago (just as I had from California) and had been exploring the city on his own. He worked in IT (always a plus) and also managed to pilot planes (a double plus). He didn't smoke (a requirement) and he was in school and living on his own. He looked a bit geeky-ish in his pictures, and I was definitely attracted by it.

I broke the ice with a reference to music, and we began exchanging messages for a few days before he called me and we set up a date for the upcoming Saturday. Since I was at my mom's in Katy for the weekend to take care of my sisters, he decided to come out to my side of town, about a 40-minutes drive, and met up for drinks at Wild Wing around 9:30pm. Conversation started alright. I could tell we were both sort of shy. I normally am not a good storyteller with someone new because all my stories involve sex, so on first dates, I expect the guy to talk more and ask me questions that I can answer. By the end of the first beer, I started getting chattier and we were talking about random stuff. At one point we talked about porn, and he seemed interested/shocked that I liked breasts and girls. He even asked me if I was bi to which I said no.

Since he had driven over from the Medical Center, he didn't want to drink too much. 2:00 am came and neither one of us was ready to go home. We still wanted to hang out but we didn't know of any after-hours. Since a bartender at Jet Lounge had told me they play music there till 6:00 I said to him that it was the only place I knew of asked "would you like to go? I know it's downtown and far and I can't drive right now, so you would be the one driving us and I actually have a curfew- I have to be back before my mom leaves to work at 5:30 am." He thought it over and said "yeah let's go!"

The ride felt never-ending. I normally don't feel like the distances are far but damn, I could actually feel the miles on the counter. We show up at Jet Lounge and well f*ck- it's closed. I'm thinking "Oh shit. We drove all the way out here for nothing...." and he says "Well, we can go back to my place- I live in the medical center- 10 mins away......."

So we take off and I ask him "You normally take your dates back to your place on the first night?" he thinks about it and laughs and says "No, actually this is the first time."

Damnit!! Am I just too easy??

So we go back to his place, take a shot of Patrón, and then get stupidly giggly and just continue talking on the couch while the tv provides background noise. We're just conversing and I'm laying down on him as he looks down at me and pulls me in for a kiss. We have an intense make out session, laugh and talk in between breaths until my alarm goes off. "Damnit- It's time to go" I say.  We're both bummed out and he drives me back the forty miles to Wild Wings to pick up my car. My mom calls me around 5:30 just to make sure I'm coming home.

He drops me off at my car and we're just hugging it out and he says "I want to see you again next week- and I mean before the weekend" so I'm like "Yes, I do too."  Of course we didn't make plans because I'm still on cloud 9 and I can't think straight. We part ways and I text him to let me know when he gets home safely. I pass out at home, and when I wake up later on I see his text "I'm home. :-) had a great time... talk to you in a few hours... sleep needed. ;-) "

Sooooo overall I'd say date was a success. WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX cause obviously I'm still on my period but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have. I like this guy. He's coy and teased me while we were out and I felt really comfortable with that. And even though we were both drunk, it wasnt awkward and I didn't feel horny or felt the need to jump him. I did feel the need to kiss him at the bar, but it was too soon for that. I don't want to rush it. I'm interested in getting to know him and he didn't make any sexual advances (other than slapping my ass when I was laying down, but that's no biggie) so overall, he was a gentleman.

We recalculated the last time he had sex- even he didn't realize it had been since August of last year.
Damn. Poor guy.

Friends with Benefits

We were talking about FWB (friends with benefits) the other night, and each of us girls was describing what would make a good buddy. I think I was the only who said she would go for someone who was moderately attractive. In my opinion, I feel like I would end up liking my buddy if he was too good looking, and end up developing feelings for him. I'd rather have an average Joe (still have a desirable body, just an okay face) because I'd feel more comfortable with them.

Is this what I was essentially using OkCupid for? Possible FWBs to avoid getting into any relationship and prevent myself from suffering any possibly heartbreak?

The Virgin, Part 2

The next week, the Virgin and I had finally made plans to meet up at Sherlock's Pub just down the street from my apartment- but not before arguing and convincing him that I didn't want to go to his house to play pool out in Richmond. Yes, sure it's great that you have your own house and all, but I mean, Come on! First meeting at your place? And in Richmond? Not gonna happen like that.
I show up at the Pub and see him sitting at a table playing with his phone. I'm actually quite impressed. He was pretty damn attractive.

Damn, I guess you're just not photogenic.

I was immediately drawn to him. Forget the fact that he talked to me about Southpark for a good fifteen minutes (I stopped watching it in 1998.....) he was shy and confident at the same time. He was quiet, but kept the conversation going. After a while, we had to move tables because the ones we had squatted at were reserved for a birthday party. We went into the live music area, and just hung out, drinking my beer while he paced himself with his mixed drink.

The alcohol slowly started taking effect, and we began playing "Never have I ever." It's obvious that this game will take on a sexual approach, and it's obvious that I'm going to get drunk before he does. After staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity, he pushed forward and stuck his tongue in my mouth in rapid, snake movements.

"Um, you're kissing too fast" I told him. "Ok, show me how I should do it" he frankly asked. He didn't get offended at what I'd just said, and he caught on within minutes. Hmmm, a fast learner. This looks promising. We continued until he practically begged to go back to my apartment so we could continue making out there.

We end up at my apartment and the makeout begins in the living room, and gradually makes its way to the bedroom. Unfortunately for him, I was on my period that night, so no sex could take place. He was disappointed but I decided to *beep*Beep*beep*beep* (i.e.: Please him orally)

As soon as we were finished, he took off like a bat out of hell. It was past midnight and we both had work the next day, and he still needed to drive back to Richmond. I was glad to have my bed to myself that night.

I didn't hear from him the next couple of days, but he did message me about a week later asking if we could meet up again. I was going to be busy at my mom's taking care of my sisters, so time was limited. Plus, he was going through some stressful times at work and with one of his rental homes, and had been too drained to set anything up.

I was okay though. It's not like I expected a relationship with him either. He was too inexperienced when it came to being with a woman emotionally. He would treat her like a guy. He was oblivious to a woman's sensitivity, and didn't believe in pursuing a girl. Sorry, but I need attention. All girls do. In my case however, if you don't check in on me the following day, I move on. I have a short attention span.

We really did try to hang out again, but something always came up- late nights at work, prior commitments etc. The last time he tried to ask me out, I denied. I had just begun seeing someone else and didn't feel it was right. This person will soon make an appearance in this blog..... 

The Virgin

OkCupid has brought on a different array of guys that I didn't see back last summer. This second  round (or is it the third?) was just more questionable.

I started talking to a 24 year old guy- to this day, I can't figure out why. You ever look at someone's pictures and you don't find them all that attractive physically, buy you seem to hit it off, their voice is pleasant when you talk that you just develop some kind of interest to them? Do you go back and look at their pictures hoping that somehow their face will change and become more interesting? He just looked like a kid still because he was younger, but his features were really pronounced because he's Hungarian. Really tall (6'3"), broad shoulders, big hands, strong jawline, big eyebrow bone. It's kinda scary. I'm thinking like neantherdal.  He looked really bad in his pictures.

Anyway, we talked on the phone one Saturday night for a while, and of course it led to sex, and he admitted that he was still at virgin. [Choke] Wait, what? A virgin.....? Again??

We decide to add each other on Facebook and I notice we have a mutual friend. Say whaaaaat? A mutual friend?? Who? I'm still fairly 'new' to Houston, and don't know that many people, so I can't possibly imagine who it could be. It turns out it's half of a couple that I met years ago through another friend. When I ask him how he knows them (as well as other people on my friend's list) he says "through church." I tried my hardest to hold back my laughter, considering we've just spent close to an hour discussing sex, and how he basically looked up to me to take his virginity. "Don't tell her how we met" he tells me. "I don't intend to, so don't worry" I reassure him.

The call failed late that night as we were saying good night, so there really wasn't a point to call back just to say "Oh hey, dropped call. Have a good night though!"

So here's the question you're probably wondering- Would Ren have sex with the Virgin? I don't know. Maybe just for fun; I have to say that's a lot of pressure to live up to his fantasy or expectations of sex, especially if he's never seen a vagina up close. And truth is, I was disappointed by my last virgin encounter so I'm not too excited about trying it again. I prefer someone with experience. I'm too selfish to try to teach someone if it's not for long term. I want to get off during sex, not get frustrated that I can't my jollies.

But this story needs to be continued, so I will be back soon with the rest :)

30 going on 17

Against better judgment, I got sucked into the worst douchebag of all time. I can't exactly figure out why, but I'm tempted to say that it was his gaze that made me go bonkers.

I met this guy online, and from the beginning he made the rudest and most awkward comments. We talked for a few days, but this guy was just..... I don't know. He would offend and say "I'm just kidddiiiing!" I hate that. Just because you say 'no offense' doesn't mean you can say whatever it is you want.

I decided to meet this guy at Bingo and go simply as "friends" which automatically translated to 'Friends with Benefits.' Ay chihuahuas..... as my coworker would say.

Anyway, we have fun at bingo, but it's clear that we're both physically attracted to each other cause we're playing footsies and what not, and he's petting me and carressing when we're in line (ie- putting his hand on my back, running his fingers through my hair etc.)

I don't mind it. I'm not going to complain about getting attention. We share two pitchers of beer during Bingo, and we're having a really fun time, cracking jokes at other people's expenses and making funnies. After bingo, he suggests we go to a bar not too far away. I follow him there, and we continue drinking and teasing each other, flirting, even being mean to one another-

And then he starts saying a whole bunch of stuff like "I love you and I want to be your boyfriend. Want to be my girlfriend? What do you want?" etc, etc. Then it just gets graphic. "Let me suck on your breast. Lets go have sex. I want to eat you out." I laugh it off of course, cause I know that it's most of the alcohol doing the talking. I was pretty drunk too, but I kept my composure. I always pushed him away, but I did it slyly, and in actuality, I was teasing him back too when I would smile and laugh it off. So I guess he got upset at something, told me I said something mean, and he said he was leaving and asked if I was leaving too.

He just walked out so I'm thinking "Well I guess I have to go as well. I'm not staying here alone." We walked back to our cars, me ahead of him, and he's just dragging along in the back, in silence. He comes running and grabs me by the waist and hugs me. So we get back to the car, and he opens the back door to get into the back seat and he's like "Come on... get in."

I'm drunk, but not that drunk.  I'm like "Uh huh. No. I'm not getting in there. So you can Just close the door and stand outside with me."At this point we're facing each other, he's holding me, and I'm about to kiss him but I back off until I finally just go ahead and kiss him. We make out for a bit, and then I hear my mom's ringtone. Somehow we end up separating and as he's walking back to get into his car he says "Finally I'm free" and I just give him the confusing look, like, "Umm okkkk.... WTF? You're weird."

We go home our separate ways, and the next morning, I end up texting him and saying 'thank you' because you know... I have manners? He responds saying he was late to work by an hour and a half. I reply "Sorry dude. You must have been really drunk" to which he says "No, just sleeppyy."
He had asked me at the bar about the whole bf/gf thing and why I kept saying no, and he asked me "You want a FWB (Friends with Benefits) don't you?" and when I didn't answer, he said "Yeahhh you want one."

The more I think about it, the more I realize he's a douche. That's why he's not boyfriend material. I wouldn't mind him as a FWB cause I don't feel anything emotional for him- he's fun to flirt with, there's a sexual attraction, but his character turns me off so badly and leaves me scratching my head. It's like he's 17, when in actuality he's 30. Dude, act your damn age! It was a lot of "I'm just kidding" during the night when he'd say something slightly offensive,  so there was never a serious moment.
 I remember him telling me "Man you didn't even thank me for buying you a beer"- which sounded more like a complaint.

Sorry dude, but I was pretty drunk to care about what you thought of me.





PS: If you live in Houston, Bingo night at the SPJST Lodge 88 in the Heights on Thursday nights is TONS of fun. Cheap food, beer and games. Bring your own liquor/alcohol/food as well (not beer) if you prefer. I guarantee at least 3 hours of fun.

Jet Lounge Douche

After the disappointing date with The Uncle, I went back to OkCupid to search for someone else to hang out with. A guy about five years older than me, with interesting pictures messaged me about my musical tastes. We talked for a few days before he offered his number and he asked me out. Since I wasn't mentally in the mood to go out on a date, I told him I was only on OkC to make new friends. He agreed too (shocker) and said we didn't have to go on a date. Since he was a band promoter, he mentioned that he'd be booking some bands for a Saturday show and would be managing the door. He told me he could get me in for free, and when I invited one of my girlfriends to come with, I asked him if he'd be able to get her in too. "Ok, I think I can sneak her in, but tell her she owes me a beer"

Um... ok.... That's nice of you....

My friend took forever to get ready and we showed up downtown near midnight. I saw the guy at the door, and he looked..... doable- after about 3 drinks on my behalf. The lounge was alright. It was kind of dead.
My friend hated the lounge because it wasnt at all her scene. A while later he came over to where we were at the bar and hung out for a while, but he always had to excuse himself cause he had to keep an eye on audio equipment. At one point I told him "So I guess I owe you a beer for letting my friend in" and he said ok and I ordered us 2 beers. The bartender gave him his for free and I paid for mine, then he turned around to say "oh mine's free. I guess you still owe me beer! Ha ha "

Yeah. Ha. Fucking ha.

When my friend found out she said "He didn't even offer to pay for yours? Yeah, drop him. A girl shouldn't buy a guy his drink"

She kept asking me the entire night if I liked the guy, what I thought of him, did I see potential and I just had to say "not really."  The guy isn't ugly, just, didn't make me go "wow" in my head when I saw him. There wasn't sexual chemistry for me, and I actually saw him as a possible friend friend. He was really nice but we were both boring together. So even then I didn't see us having a blast as friends if we hung out. He asked me what I was doing that weekend, and since I was spending it with my family, he asked if I wanted to come back next Friday and hang out. I told him I'd see what I had planned for then.

No back seat for this guy- I think he's one of those really awkward, don't-know-how-to-flirt types of guys. Like, smiling was the only thing he was doing. He barely hugged me and didn't get into any petting at all. Like.... incredibly shy or something. Or he's just completely clueless about girls.

My friend kept complaining to go and around 1:15 or so asked if we could leave to go to Wonderbar instead. The guy was busy so I had to wait until he came back outside so we could say bye and left around 1:40. I took a wrong turn (I hate downtown) and she just said to go home. 

Seven days later, he texted me asking if I wanted to go to Fitzgerald (another music venue) for a show. SEVEN days later.

Well, I guess he took that "friend's first only" speech I gave him to heart.

I didn't go.

I got dumped in under 30 minutes

Alright, so let's get the next set of stories lined up.

Back in April, I decided to give the online dating thing back another try. My intention was to use OkCupid mainly as a means of finding a friend. I guess I really didn't get the part that it is next to impossible to find a real friend without benefits in the online community.

I am so naive.

I started talking to a guy, and a few days later, we decided to meet up for sushi and a movie. He appeared to be a real gentleman, and I quickly agreed. Since his sister had just given birth to her first child, let's call him The Uncle, cause I honestly can't remember what his name is. Not like it matters much.

My thought exactly

He suggested a sushi restaurant over about 30 minutes away from me. I didn't bother asking why since he was the one inviting. I arrived a few minutes early, and just stayed in my car waiting for him to show up. I never wait inside. I don't like giving the obvious impression that this is a first date if we greet inside the restaurant- I feel like all eyes are on us.

He showed up about 15 minutes later, and he stood at the entrance reaching for his cell. He was dressed business casual, and as I approached him, my face suddenly started shifting to the disappointment. In all honesty, I think his face did too. We greeted each other and immediately walked in. We sat at the bar and ordered our dishes, barely making conversation.

Me: "So how was your grandmother's birthday party yesterday?"
Him: "Oh it was alright. We ate a lot of food"
Me: "Was most of your family there too?"
Him: "Yeah"

.....silence.....

The minutes inched by. I was so glad to see our food arrive, because that way at least we wouldn't have a reason to talk as much.

Me: "So why did you pick this restaurant? I thought you lived in another area"
Him: "Oh well I figured it would be easier for you. You live in this area right?"
Me: "No. I live over on the west side of town. About 30 minutes away."
Him: "Oh I guess I'm not too familiar with Westchase. I live about 30 minutes up north"

Well that was smart. I understand your intentions were good, but we both had to drive out of our way for this seemingly boring date.

We went through the notions of discussing our lines of work (which I can't remember) and our time spent living in Houston (which I don't remember either.) It was obvious we weren't clicking at all, and I was desperately looking for a way to end this date, but didn't see how I could since he had invited me to the movies afterwards.

This is so boring!

As he called up the check on minute 25, and pulled out his credit card before the server had even handed him the bill, he said "So, do you mind if I take a rain check on this movie. I'm feeling pretty tired"

Sweet music to my ears.

"Sure, no problem" I answered jovially.

He paid for dinner, signed the receipt and we walked out.

"Well it was nice meeting you. I'll call you" he said.
"Yeah, thanks for dinner" I told him.

I quickly walked back into my car, looked at my watched and let out a sigh. 7:30pm

I quickly called my friend Shannon to fill her in on my date.

Shannon: "Aren't you supposed to be out on your date? What are you doing calling me?"
Me: "I was. It just ended."
Shannon: "Whaaat? It wasn't even an hour!"
Me: "Thirty minutes to be exact. Can you believe the ride to the restaurant took me longer than the date itself??"
Shannon: "Well that sucks"

April Fool's Prank

I've tried hard during the last few years to get someone good on April 1st. It has worked out pretty well, and this year, I decided to try out my luck on Matt, the ex-marine.

 

The reason it worked out so well was because we'd recently had sex. In his own words: "You just about killed me though. Almost chocked. Good one. Not original, but the timing played out perfectly."

And so long 'til next year's prank....

I was passed up on sex

Phillip had called me asking me if I had any plans for Friday night. I really didn't, and he suggested we meet up for drinks about halfway in between our houses. I left around 9-ish or so, and met him shortly after at a loud bar off of highway 290. We embraced each other in a long and hard hug when we greeted, and made our way in to a table out on the patio.

I hadn't seen Phillip for a couple of months now; the last time we'd hung out, we'd ended up having sex after quite a few drinks, and I just realized now that I never wrote about it. I'll admit it was fun, but he definitely knew how to get under my skin and make me crave for the sex even though he was.... unfortunately, not well endowed. My friend Shannon and I call him "tiny penis"- maybe it would be easier to refer to him as that?

OK... so he's not tiny, he's just... the smallest I've come across, and he knows this. He still does the job very well, but damnit- I'm telling the story here. SO sush.

Anyway, that night, I was prepared to not suggest we have sex. It's not that I wasn't in the mood (although at the time I wasn't) but I wanted to try to hold out so that he'd be the one to ask me for it. We talked for a couple of hours, had a pretty good time, talking about what we'd been up to recently. He admitted that he didn't like us having sex as a result of being drunk, and went on to open up about how unhappy he still was after the breakup from his girlfriend back in September. He couldn't get over it, and was still harboring strong feelings for her. He kept telling me that sex just seemed empty to him, and even though he enjoyed himself in the moment, he didn't like the way he felt afterward.

Slowly approaching midnight and feeling buzzed myself, I heard the following words escape my mouth a little too late "I'm feeling pretty antsy right now. Want to go back to my place?"

Fuck. What the hell did I just say?


As soon as Phillip put down his drink on the table and said "Let's go," I was game. Yep, my libido wakes up rather quickly.

We walked out to our cars and tried to agree on which way to head home, since I was a bit unfamiliar. It was a string of You follow me? Or do you know how to get there? I can't take the tollway. Ok, I'll take the feeder. Don't drive too fast. Oh I need to stop by for cigarettes. Oh forget it, I have some at my place. You have cigarettes at your place? Why? Don't lie to me!

 The time it took me to punch in the directions back on my iphone, Phillip called me saying "Hey, I'm just gonna go home. It's after midnight. By the time we get to your place it'll be 1. We won't be done until after 2, and I have work at 8 the next morning."

Mind you- I was pissed. 

"Um, ok. Whatever." I angrily shot back.
"Are you mad? We'll go out tomorrow, and I don't have work on Sunday" he counter-offered.
"Whatever" I said again.
"Please don't be mad. It's just that it's so late" he pleaded.
"Ok, whatever" I repeated.

It's one thing to tease me about sex, but entirely another when you offer it, and take it away right from under my nose.

I grumpily drove home and got into bed alone.

Fuck you fuck you fuckyou and your tiny penis!

The next day, Phillip texts me during his shift.

Phillip: Wanna have sober sex?
Ren: Why?
Phillip: Why not?
Ren: Cause even you don't have sober sex.
Phillip: Well I'm offering.
Ren: Why?
Phillip: Nevermind.

I was still pissed, and didn't want to have sex. I asked him about our plans for later that night and he said he'd call me later during the day. I went out with my family to a horse show that day and didn't hear from him. As I was going back to pick up my car, Phillip calls me and I ask him again, "You need to let me know, cause if we don't hang out, I'm going to my mom's cause I'm really close by."

"Hold on, I'm really tired. I worked 13 hours today. Just give me like 10 minutes" he said.
"No, I need to know now. Cause if we go out, then I need to drive back to my place and get ready. If we're not going out, you need to tell me so I can go spend time with my sisters" I pressed.
"I'll call you back in 10 minutes. Hold on" he reassured me.

Assuming he'd call back, I decided to forgo my sisters, and head back to my apartment. 30 minutes later, still no sign. I was started to get frustrated simply because I had passed up on my sisters for a guy!

He never called that night, or the next day.

I went ahead and unfriended him from my Facebook and placed his contact on my phone as "Unknown Caller" so that if he called, I wouldn't be able to tell the difference between him and an unknown number. (I do that to people I no longer want to talk to...)

Later that evening, I hear my phone ring with the name "Unknown Caller"  featured on the screen.

Crap.

Then I remembered I had filed Wes under that name as well, [the verbal abuser, also sometimes referred to as "Minnesota guy," since he's living there now.]

Crap Crap.

I texted Shannon and said "Unknown Caller! Unknown Caller!!!"
Ren: Who could it be...? Tiny Penis.....or.....Minnesota guy.....?
Shannon: lmfao

I let it ring.

Ren: Oh shit. It was Minnesota guy. I was betting it was Tiny Penis.
Shannon: Lol u answered?
Ren: Lol. He texted "Doing ok?" and I asked "Were you the one that just called?" lol. "Yes." "Yes, I'm fine. Watching TV. Getting ready for work tomorrow." "Ok. I won't bother you." "No Prob." "Bye."
Shannon: Lol! He's crazy.
Ren: .... And it was done.. Again. lol.


A few days later I relapsed again and texted Wes. I asked him why he'd texted me, and if it had been because he was drinking and lonely, to which he said "No, I was just thinking about you."

I begged him to not write to me anymore, especially if we couldn't be friends. "If we can't be friends, then we don't need to talk" I wrote him. "Just assume I'm doing fine. I'll be ok."

That was a week ago. I'm hoping that's the end of it. In the meantime, there's writing, work, and OkCupid.

That's right. I have logged back on to OkCupid with a new profile to combat stress and meet new conversationalists like myself.

Verbal abuse with The Unknown

I had previously discussed my confusing friendship with Wes. Though he had first admitted to liking me back in January, it was apparent that he'd been "interested" for over two years, when we'd first begun talking on Plenty of Fish.

"What do you want?" I'd texted him.
"A relationship with you" he replied.

But our complicated "friendship" wasn't something I was too proud of. We'd fight, argue, stop talking and break apart again. Then, we'd find ways to talk again a few weeks later. It had become a routine. So when I'd last mentioned that I knew we'd talk again, it was because I knew it was evident and inevitable.

Wes would give me all the attention I needed. We'd text non stop all day while we were working, he'd keep me entertained, and he'd make me feel wanted. He complimented me the way I wanted to be, he'd be sweet, attentive and had ultimately become my stress reliever. That was until he found a way to take out his insecurities and stress on me after a few drinks. Wes and I would have a blissful two weeks of conversation, but after a night at the bar, he'd call me drunk and express some type of frustration in the not-so-subtle way.

A few of the "fights" we had involved me going out to parties, to which he said he was jealous of.  "I'm not okay with you going out, dressed up, all sexy to some party, especially in a mask" (it was a masquerade party.) "I'm not okay with you going to a party with your friends, especially with a whole bunch of POF guys" (I'd told him of my friend's birthday party, to which she told me she'd be inviting a few of her Plenty Of Fish dates from the past.) "I'm sorry, ok, I'm jealous, but I don't like it" he'd say.

I hadn't talked to Wes on the phone too often, but one thing was for sure: I could tell when he'd been drinking too much- it was past 10:00 pm, and his southern country accent got a hell of a lot more obvious. One night, I was out with girlfriends, and had already had a drink. Wes called and angrily started going off, cussing, unhappy about the parties I was going to; I didn't put up with it and promptly hung up on him because I didn't want to cause a scene in front of my friends.

Wes continued calling me for the next three hours, texting me and annoying the hell out of me while I was at the club. He kept repeating the same dance, telling me "This is what you want, then I won't bother you no more", "I won't bother you again. Bye, you'll never hear from me again" and "You got what you wanted."

Damn, talk about a broken tape player.

But in the midst of it all, when I'd get lonely and bored, I'd send another text in the hopes of hooking him again, hoping that by some miracle, Wes would be nice to me all the time. It never worked. We flirted, were "affectionate" and attentive, each time falling harder for each other, but would fight approximately two to three weeks later; it had become a regular dance.  A love/hate relationship that neither one of us wanted to really come to terms with.

I can sincerely understand now why women stay in abusive relationships- because when he's not drinking, he's the sweetest person you've ever talked to. And when you break off, and you talk it out, he promises you things will change, and he won't act that way again, and he'll restrain himself. I get it. And you know what, for those girls who are stuck in that dreadful and ugly routine, I don't blame you. You want the love and the affection, and he gives it to you half of the time. You don't want to be alone, so you stay with him. It's hard to break away because you don't know where else you'll find that "love." Wes later called and left me a voicemail, and I could almost feel the sadness in his voice when he said: "Baby I know I've made mistakes and I know..... I know my drinking has become a problem but, I hope someday you can forgive me cause I do love you, and I don't want to lose you... so.... please call me back. Alright? I love you. Bye."

But, I'm looking at the future, and it ain't pretty. I've never hung out with someone who was volatile when they were intoxicated, and that's what I get from Wes. I told him at one point that it was best that we weren't together, or else I'd get the shit end of the stick when he was drunk, but he said it only happened because we weren't together. It's likely that he's  jealous that we're not in the same place, and that he can't see what I do in my free time, and you know what, I don't blame him. Even though I never let on that I'm hanging out with other guys, it's normal to have that jealousy. However, it's not normal to have it towards me- someone you've never met in person.

You're not exactly making your case dude.

Did I take his virginity away?

Oftentimes, I go to OKCupid to see which one of my previous dates is still searching. I don't pay too much attention to J, but I usually go looking for Trevor, the sweetest awkward guy I blindsided. Trevor and I didn't even make it to find out if we had any common interests, because as soon as he told me he was a virgin, I took advantage of the situation. Almost a year later, I still feel guilt for what I did, how I handled the incident, and how I treated him. But most of all, the one thought that lingers my mind is "Does he think I took his virginity away??" cause I most certainly didn't get the chance to. I may have been his first sexual encounter, but his virginity was still very much intact when I left him that night.

I know Trevor has a good, calm character, but I was too impatient to have to teach him everything. Moreover, I really didn't see him as my protector, and I know I wouldn't have given him the respect he deserved or been overjoyed with having him as my partner. I would have most likely have been content, and at the moment, that wasn't enough for me.  I know Trevor could have cared, and probably fallen head over heels had I continued seeing him, but.... the feelings weren't mutual. He just didn't feel like "the one."

I had made plans to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show on a Saturday night; that same night, I was out at a bachelorette party, sandwiched in between a lap dance and a few dildos (it featured a passion party presented by my good friend.) I told my friend about my dilemma, who saw it as an opportunity to ask the other girls around about my situation with the sex. The opinions were mixed, but ultimately fifty-fifty. Half of the girls agreed that I shouldn't have to waste time in teaching a grown man about intimacy, while the other half suggested I make him feel more at ease and teach him to my satisfaction.  Trevor had texted me during the party, asking me when I'd be over at his place to go see the movie at midnight. I was just around the corner, literally two streets over from his house. I replied saying I'd let him know in a while, saying I was busy at the moment.

And then I pulled a bitch move.

At about 10:30 pm or so, I called and told him I'd been drinking and was feeling too tired to go out that night. Even though he didn't get angry over the phone, I could sense that he  was disappointed. I had made him wait all day and ditched him at the last minute, when it was too late for him to make alternate plans. I felt bad, and I know I had been mean. The next week he called and texted me while I was at work, but I couldn't respond and told him I would return his call later on. I never did, and when I didn't hear back from him again, I knew it was over. He'd lent me a book which I had since finished and wanted to return it, but he never accepted it and didn't push it further when I told him I could mail it back to him. I still have Trevor's book, but I can't quite remember where he lives to drop off the book with an "I'm sorry" note. Even then, I think it may be a little stalkish if I do. I've always wanted to get in touch with him, but I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. I saw Trevor as a "hang out" friend- one that I wouldn't be tempted to pursue anything with.

Earlier this season, I began spending my time at the library, browsing the dating and relationships aisle. I picked up "Sex and the City" and devoured it. Amongst some useful advice I came across- 1) Older men prefer women under 30 years old, 2) finding love in NYC is nearly improbable, and 3) marry a man who loves you more than you love him.

I know we didn't get that far into the courtship, but I got a vibe from Trevor- the dedicated and overly committed gentleman. It's easy to dismiss what you may not like in the present, but how many of us ever really regret passing up on someone, only to think of them months, even years later, all the while wondering if maybe it could have been worthwhile?

I know we'll talk again

My friend Wes and I "broke up" again a while back in late January, after I'd expressed my concerns for being scared of his demeanor. Upon hearing this, he blew up and sensed that I wasn't being completely honest and wished me good luck with "whoever he is."

Damn, this f*cker gets me every single time. How does he do that?

It was indeed true. I had just begun dating Mr. Anime/Leto's Twin and was juggling my possibilities. I was hoping things with Mr. Anime would progress so that I'd have an excuse to back away from Wes, but when things didn't quite work out as I'd envisioned, I got lonely and reverted back to Wes.

Wes wasn't quite that pleasant at first. I'll admit it- I got bored, and I texted him back, but I didn't get a response back for about a week or so- with him bitching about wanting to be left alone and that "WTF do you want from me? Your choice not mine..... you wanted it, you got it" etc etc deal.

I know we're not on the best of terms right now, but I know we'll end up coming back together eventually. I can just feel it.

What I've learned from Online Dating

Online dating is meant to be fun, and most of the time it really is. We catch each other's eye, we drop that first line, and pretty soon, we're writing essays to each other, sharing our past, our present and our future.

We're nice, attentive and open to try new things. At first.

And then, the shit backfires.

• The chubby/overweight guys are the ones who reply the most selectively.
• My attention span is approximately 10 minutes. You better come up with something funny to keep me online and not looking at other profiles.
• I tend to get a little concerned if you're still logging on to your dating profile when I think we've hit it off.
• I may end up overdrinking on the first date, and even though I'm having a great time at first, the rest of the night is a blur, and I honestly can't remember what we did, or if I imagined it.
• I want to jump into that comfort zone right away, knowing full well it'll scare 81.3% of the guys.
• I want to have my cake and eat it too. Meaning, I want to date around, but don't want you to.
• I want you to do the courting and call, text, surprise me for lunch, buy me flowers etc.

The problem is, I don't know how to be tactful; I don't know how to date like a lady. And I've also noticed that most of the guys like the feisty bitch every once in a while- that's not me. I gave up on her a long time ago, and I'm very sweet to my partner.

[Sigh] I don't know... I guess I just need to continue subjecting myself to more heartbreak. Damn it.

I stalk you on OkCupid

I stalk with the attempt to feel better about being single. You see, there are different time frames when being on a dating website define who you are.

When I see a guy I dated as being "Last Online: Today -7:20 am," I feel great. That means he's still single and looking first thing in the morning before going off to work.

When I see a guy "Last Online: Yesterday -- 11:20pm," I know he's lonesome and bored.

When I see "Last Online: Today -- 1:59 am," I can sense a hint of desperation, especially if I remember he works first thing in the morning.

Even though I just recently hid my profile, I can remember that I used to be careful about who I checked out and what time it was. Being online at 7:00-10:00 is safe. It means the guy has a life outside of a dating website, probably went to the gym, cooked dinner and is watching TV. When I see someone that dumped me, on at 2:00am, I like to think of him as the picky one who couldn't be satisfied.

What's even greater is seeing your ex-bofriend, Sebastian, last online "Yesterday" when his status on OkCupid is "Seeing Someone" and "In a Relationship" on Facebook for the past two months. It just proves to me he's nowhere near ready for commitment (as BEG previously mentioned some time back.)

The shortest relationship ever

Oh man, I really do not want to have to write about this, mainly because it feels like a damn slap in the face. But to remain true and honest to my dating life (and readers) I have to suck it up and face the shame.

While I'd gone back for another round on OkCupid, I'd messaged Mr. Anime, and we seemed to hit it off rather well. Granted that he was the one doing much of the talking on the phone, we did manage to talk for at least 4 hours each night before we met up on Saturday at an oriental mall.

He was paler than I expected, but had the most breathtaking eyes... blue, and pupils grossly dilated which appeared to give him dark eyes instead. He looked just like Jared Leto.... without the eyeliner. I was charmed....smitten and completely intoxicated. He was very softspoken, and what I mean by this is that he spoke very, very softly.... If anyone could chime in on this behavior, they would assume he was gay because he was gentle and delicate, and took long strides as he walked. I admit I was very impressed and very much intrigued.

We hung out at the mall for about an hour, catching a photography expo along the way, when we simply came to a halt and had no impending plans for the rest of the afternoon. He asked if I was hungry and invited me back to his place where he'd make something to eat. A cook? Don't mind if I do!

We went back to his apartment, and while I watched something on TV, he cooked pasta. He had a nice smile, seemed generally chipper and was very very nice. As the evening progressed, we watched a few anime shows and even played on the Wii. I was enjoying my time, and he was too.

We began cuddling on the bed, where things took a turn for the... well..... you can guess. I pushed on the fact that I didn't want to have sex on the first night, and he was of course understanding, but that didn't mean we couldn't experiment "alternatively." So we went at it, had my jollies, and I ended up spending the night, knowing full well he had to go into work for a few hours the next morning.

The next morning, he woke up around 6:00 am and got ready for work. I remained in bed, dozing off, while he made himself breakfast. 15 minutes later, he comes to see me and says "Don't go anywhere, I'm making you something" with a beautiful smile on his face. He came back and presented me with french toast (which I'd mentioned to him a few days prior.)

Wow.... I think I may be in lust...

Mr. Anime offered to give me a key to his apartment to sleep in while I was at work, whaaaa.... your key? but I told him I'd be going back to my apartment to take a shower and get dressed instead. We left at the same time, and I headed on home to rinse away the "sex."

I texted BEG and we talked for a while.

BEG: So it went well?
Ren: Went pretty well. I spent the night, and then just got home cause he had work this morning and I didn't want to stay there alone.
BEG: Interesting. So he cooked you dinner, and ice cream and you spent the night. Did y'all do anything?
Ren: Uh yeah... Ren 5, Him 0 though.
BEG: Why him 0?
Ren: Cause I orgasmed and he didn't.
BEG: Why didn't he though I guess is what I'm asking.
Ren: Oh cause I gave up. He said it took him a while, and I got tired.
BEG: Gotcha. Maybe he takes Ritalin or something...

A few hours later, Mr. Anime called me and told me he was home again. I finished getting ready and went back to his place where we continued hanging in. I can't exactly remember now what we did for the rest of the night, but if you guessed that we had sex, then you guessed right. A very long session. With coincidentally, no grand finale on his end.

What the hell.....?


Seeing as to how he lived a mere 4 miles away, I decided to spend the night again, and wake up early in the morning to go get ready for work at my apartment. Later that evening, I called him again and went straight to his place after work. We hung out again, and did our business where 40 minutes later, I started experiencing a bit of pain.

Why hasn't he come yet??

I looked at him and asked frankly- "Why aren't you coming?". In between thrusts he looks at me and comes to a halt. 

"Um, well.... I'm actually on medication...." he said.
"Medication? For what?" I asked.
"Um... depression" he answered.
"Oh I see" I responded.

A few hours later, I tell BEG about my newfound discovery- "You're right about the meds. Not ritalin though, but for for depression."

I ended up spending the night at Mr. Anime's for the rest of the week, repeating the same routine and going back to my apartment in the morning to get ready for work. I remember going out with a group of friends on Friday night, but not hearing from him at all. The next day, I texted him to see if there were any plans to hang out. I didn't hear from him for a few hours, and I dreaded the worst.

Crap... I'm getting dumped.... Prepare yourself for the "He's just not that into you" excuse.

A few hours later, Mr. Anime texted, apologizing and saying he'd been out at work (to which he doesn't take his phone) and had dropped off a friend back home. He felt that we didn't have much in common and that he wasn't interested in a relationship based mainly on sex.

Well hell. "He's just not that into me" then. F*** what did I do wrong this time??

I texted my friend who said "Wow... why did he spend so much time with you and then decide that?"
"My thought exactly" I replied.

So 7 days after we'd met, it was over. I felt like such a fool.  I felt like perhaps the online dating thing wasn't really in my favor for the time being and that I needed to stop.


A few days later, I'd gone back to OKCupid to look at his profile and see if he'd been active, and there they were- Changes-Edits-Revisions- to his profile. The one that stood out the most was:

• I find a petite or athletic frame the most flattering. And lastly I tend to prefer shorter women who are around 5" although I'm not sure yet why lol.<I'm average, 5'5">

I felt like that last one had been directed straight at me. Ouch. 

"He's just not that into you"

I enjoyed the movie. I hated the f*cking book though. If you ever get your hands on it, I'll tell you right now that most of it spews negativity and shoots down any excuse we might have given ourselves for a guy's erratic behavior. To sum it up- hardly any guy is worth our attention and time, but what irks me the most is that it was partially written by a guy who pretty much tells us that:

• If the guy doesn't call when he says he will- he's just not that into you 
• If the guy doesnt call the next day- he's just not that into you
• If the guy says he's not looking for anything serious- he's just not that into you
• If the guy doesn't ask you out- he's.... well, you get the idea

So what if the guy doesn't want to get married? I find it completely acceptable for a guy to no want to legitimize a relationship- mainly for the proven fact that 50% of marriages end.... well, in the shitter. What's wrong with simply being committed to one another without having to make it legal? I'm on board!

If he doesn't call me when he said he would, I'm not going to dismiss the fact that he's not into me. 100% of the time I expect him to call me each time. Well... what happens if he's thinking the same thing about me in the very beginning, when he doesn't know how I feel about certain things? "She must not be into me if she's not calling....." and soon enough, it begins to faze out. I get very busy and sidetracked, so if he sends me a text and I can't respond right then and there- it doesn't mean I'm not thinking about him; it just means I'm extremely busy and can't get to it. Side note: If he doesn't text back until the following afternoon however, yeah, I can take a hint.

My main argument is that if we just give up at the first slip up, we're eliminating the chances of finding someone who's truly worth it. Can someone at least agree with this theory??

"It's all or nothing"

I'll admit it- I was juggling my chances with Mr. Anime and Wes. But I never honestly believed Wes and I could happen.  The worst outcome could have been that they both dumped me- but I'd be getting ahead of myself, and we haven't even breached the topic on Mr. Anime yet. So let's continue....

Past midnight one night, Wes texted me asking "How come you don't hardly talk to me anymore?"
Yes, I know, poor grammar, just bear with it.

Ren: Because I don't want to crush myself anymore.
Wes: More what? I already told you once my schooling is done I'm going back
Ren: And I told you we wouldn't work out. We'd end up hating each other in the end.
Wes: So in the meantime you are just going to not talk to me? F*ck that....... You can't go from liking me as much as you did to nothing... f*ck that... either you do or you don't.... there is no in between... what's it going to be.... it's all or nothing.
Ren: And I'd rather not do anything to risk the chance of losing your frienship.
Wes: Well I want more than that. And all I asked for was your patience... I'm going back home... I just have to finish school first... and I don't want to be just friends.... Sorry.

Well Shit. He never asked me to be exclusive, and him flirting and me reciprocating it was not exactly the same idea then.  I never thought about being in a committed relationship while he was away; it never even occurred to me. Can you assess the chances of us meeting face to face and being disappointed by the physical outcome? Ugh.

My thought was that if he came to Houston in the summertime and I was still single, then we'd meet and see if we hit it off. But the thought of waiting for him never even entered my mind; I simply didn't think it would work that way. So I told him the truth.....

Ren: You don't want to be my friend, then you don't have to be. I need to trust my gut on this, and say that I'm not comfortable with you. As a friend it's okay because I'm not involved, but romantically I'm scared of you which is why I know it wouldn't work; which is why i prefer to hold back and keep you at a distance.
Wes: Why are you scared of me? What the f*ck... I've done nothing to you...
Ren: it's the way you express yourself!!

A few minutes later, my phone rings. "Wes" on the caller ID.
[Sigh] Damnit.

And we argued, and talked and argued some more.... but it was mainly Wes venting out his frustration, while I just listened.

He said "I dont give a f*ck about Houston. I've been overwhelmed with funerals. I'm tired of it. One thing's for sure though, I'd never do you wrong. No lie, the day you told me not to talk to you anymore, I almost went to my boss and to my school to quit for you. I almost quit everything just to be with you."

My jaw dropped, but I let a heavy sigh escape. This can't be true. I don't believe it. Drop everything for me? Is he playing the guilt card?

"No don't do that" I told him. "Why not??" he asked. "Because we won't work out" I told him.

I continued telling him that the way he talked, expressed himself actually scared me to which he said "You're a sweetheart and I love the f*ck out of you. The way I act is not directed towards you. I miss talking to you and you just keep pushing me away!"

When it got to the point where I couldn't get my words in because he wouldn't let me I frustratingly yelled "You see this is what I mean!! We're not even together and we're fighting! I've already told you what I felt- why do you keep asking me??"

I honestly can't remember how the conversation ended, or what answer he accepted; all I remember was me telling him that it past 2:00 AM and I needed to go to sleep for work the next day. A few minutes later:

Ouch!

I haven't heard from Wes since that night, and he hasn't responded to the AIM and text message I sent him within the last few days explaining that I didn't want him out of my life completely and that I did care for him, and hope he'd be okay.

We "broke up."
Again.
[Sigh]

Online romance Part II

[continued from the previous post here]

I felt it was the right time to let go of Wes. I'd returned to OkCupid in search of the next one, when I found Mr. Anime (avid fan) and broke the ice with a Fifth Element quote. We messaged for a few days and had much to share, and when a few days went by without a response, I sent him another message asking if I'd scared him off and wished him a good weekend. He replied saying he thought he'd sent over the message, and instead gave me his number because he wouldn't be coming around to OkCupid any more.

In the meantime, feeling down about the whole Wes/distance situation, I broke down and told him what I was experiencing.

Ren: I actually cringe for the day you'll say "Yeah, I need some quiet time" lol cause that'll be a hard pill to swallow.
Wes: Why
Ren: Cause then I'll know I've officially exhausted you. Maybe I'm getting too attached and that's not good.
Wes: Not bad either.
Ren: And that's what I'm scared of. Liking someone- falling for someone who's only going to last a season, someone who's going to walk away just as easily as they walked in. That's why I hold back [because it's not worth it].
Wes: Ahhh I'm not going anywhere without reason.
Ren: I'm gonna go to sleep. Have a good night.
Wes: Is something wrong?
Ren: Idk. I don't know what to say. I don't know what I'm thinking. I just need to... clear my head.
Wes: Did I say something wrong?
Ren: Nothing wrong.
Wes: I don't understand.
Ren: I just hope that some day you can understand that you're not on your own, that there's someone who honestly cares for you and wants you to find happiness. And that person is me.
Wes: Where is this coming from?
Ren: That comes from the heart.
Wes: Seems like something else is bothering you.
Ren: You not being able to be here is probably the biggest factor. And I know there's nothing either one of us can do about it, and it's all moot.
Wes: I'll be back soon enough sweetheart

The next day, I didn't say hello and Wes texted me around mid-morning with "I didn't get a good morning text :(."
It actually broke my heart a little that he was upset.

A few days later Mr. Anime and I talked on the phone for the first time, and remain glued for 5 hours- always a good sign. The next night, in the middle of my conversation with Mr. Anime, I received a text from Wes:

It didn't hit me at first; I thought it was one of my friends being silly. But when I got up to look at it, I froze. Those are some pretty powerful words.

Ren: What are you doing?

Wes: Drinking

Ren: Is that why you said what you said?

Wes: No

Ren: Tell me why you said it

Wes: Because I feel it

I firmly believe in the "proverb" "A sober man's thoughts are a drunk man's words", mainly because it strips away all inhibitions and lets a person act out on impulses. God knows I've kissed  a "friend" or two while tipsy just because I had the courage to do so and wouldn't be offended if they pushed me away.

Wes and I didn't exactly discuss the subject further, and I simply dropped it because I didn't know what else to say. Over the weekend, I met Mr. Anime for the first time, and spent most of my available time hanging together. Along the way, Wes texted me asking me if he'd done something wrong because I wasn't talking to him much the last few days.

Ren: No nothing at all. It was just hurting too much to like someone who was so far away. I felt like keeping distance would help.

Wes: Why? And does it help?

Ren: Being alone helps.

Wes: Want me to leave you alone then?

Ren: I'm sorry

Wes: No need to apologize. I'll back off. I don't want to upset you.

I was being partially honest. Though it was true that the distance was putting a halt to anything I'd want to possibly experiment on with Wes, I hadn't told him about Mr. Anime being in the background. Main reason was out of selfishness, but also out of privacy. Wes never asked me to be exclusive together, and I didn't feel right bringing up the fact that I had just seen someone new over the weekend.

So what did I do?

Find out next.