Did I take his virginity away?

Oftentimes, I go to OKCupid to see which one of my previous dates is still searching. I don't pay too much attention to J, but I usually go looking for Trevor, the sweetest awkward guy I blindsided. Trevor and I didn't even make it to find out if we had any common interests, because as soon as he told me he was a virgin, I took advantage of the situation. Almost a year later, I still feel guilt for what I did, how I handled the incident, and how I treated him. But most of all, the one thought that lingers my mind is "Does he think I took his virginity away??" cause I most certainly didn't get the chance to. I may have been his first sexual encounter, but his virginity was still very much intact when I left him that night.

I know Trevor has a good, calm character, but I was too impatient to have to teach him everything. Moreover, I really didn't see him as my protector, and I know I wouldn't have given him the respect he deserved or been overjoyed with having him as my partner. I would have most likely have been content, and at the moment, that wasn't enough for me.  I know Trevor could have cared, and probably fallen head over heels had I continued seeing him, but.... the feelings weren't mutual. He just didn't feel like "the one."

I had made plans to go see The Rocky Horror Picture Show on a Saturday night; that same night, I was out at a bachelorette party, sandwiched in between a lap dance and a few dildos (it featured a passion party presented by my good friend.) I told my friend about my dilemma, who saw it as an opportunity to ask the other girls around about my situation with the sex. The opinions were mixed, but ultimately fifty-fifty. Half of the girls agreed that I shouldn't have to waste time in teaching a grown man about intimacy, while the other half suggested I make him feel more at ease and teach him to my satisfaction.  Trevor had texted me during the party, asking me when I'd be over at his place to go see the movie at midnight. I was just around the corner, literally two streets over from his house. I replied saying I'd let him know in a while, saying I was busy at the moment.

And then I pulled a bitch move.

At about 10:30 pm or so, I called and told him I'd been drinking and was feeling too tired to go out that night. Even though he didn't get angry over the phone, I could sense that he  was disappointed. I had made him wait all day and ditched him at the last minute, when it was too late for him to make alternate plans. I felt bad, and I know I had been mean. The next week he called and texted me while I was at work, but I couldn't respond and told him I would return his call later on. I never did, and when I didn't hear back from him again, I knew it was over. He'd lent me a book which I had since finished and wanted to return it, but he never accepted it and didn't push it further when I told him I could mail it back to him. I still have Trevor's book, but I can't quite remember where he lives to drop off the book with an "I'm sorry" note. Even then, I think it may be a little stalkish if I do. I've always wanted to get in touch with him, but I wouldn't want him to get the wrong idea. I saw Trevor as a "hang out" friend- one that I wouldn't be tempted to pursue anything with.

Earlier this season, I began spending my time at the library, browsing the dating and relationships aisle. I picked up "Sex and the City" and devoured it. Amongst some useful advice I came across- 1) Older men prefer women under 30 years old, 2) finding love in NYC is nearly improbable, and 3) marry a man who loves you more than you love him.

I know we didn't get that far into the courtship, but I got a vibe from Trevor- the dedicated and overly committed gentleman. It's easy to dismiss what you may not like in the present, but how many of us ever really regret passing up on someone, only to think of them months, even years later, all the while wondering if maybe it could have been worthwhile?

Will Karma get me?

I've come to the conclusion that things with the marine will most likely not move forward. We hardly ever talk these days as we're both incredibly busy with school, and the only contact we manage to have are the forced texts daily. Or what I presume to be at least.

So I've gone on both Plenty of Fish and OkCupid in search of my dashing prince. In actuality, my requirements are that he:

• be attractive enough to make me go WOW, 
• settled with a good job, or at least in school.
• not have kids

I'm really not in the mood for the 25 year old who's still searching himself in life. So it appears to be kind of difficult to find that combination as many guys may be attractive, but when they don't have a job or aren't going to school, their attractiveness level drops by about 90 points. Same goes with the nerd (which I prefer) who has his life in order, but is not physically attractive, which was the case with Virgin Boy Trevor.

While on OKCupid one day, I hit the option to be quick matched with someone. I kept browsing through profiles until it landed me on Trevor's page.

Crap!!!!

This wouldn't be so bad if he couldn't see on his end that I'd viewed his profile again.

Oh man, I hope he doesn't think anything of it.

I was wrong. About two days later, I received the following message from him:

I honestly and truthfully got teary eyed when I read his letter. I felt incredibly guilty and awful for what I'd done. Here was this guy professing his interest in me, but I couldn't muster to tell him that I didn't find him attractive enough to be with him. When he didn't call me back after the second time, I honestly thought I was off the hook. I wonder if he would of ever sent me a message if I hadn't landed on his page by mistake.

"It took a small accident to make it happen. An accident?? AN ACCIDENT!!" 

The more I thought about giving him a chance, the more I realized that quite possibly, in time, his character would be attractive enough to make me overlook the physical aspect. But for now, I couldn't, and I didn't want to settle.

So I responded......

After I'd sent the response, I realize how cold I must have sounded, but I felt this was the best way for him to know. From experience, people latch on if I'm not direct. They think I want to be chased when in reality, I don't want to be- by them. A million thoughts entered my mind. I thought "Shoot, maybe I should give him a chance"; "Maybe I should be his friend"; "Maybe I should call him tonight and invite him out"; "No, he'll get the wrong idea"; "If I date him, I know he's submissive and I'll walk all over him" etc. etc.

I know looks fade, but I'm not up for the task of teaching him everything- from kissing, to having sex, to dealing with feelings. I'm not a teacher, and in this case, I'd rather be the submissive one; I tend to treat guys better when I am.