Holding back

This entry may not make much sense, considering I've ended up having sex on the first night on more than one ocassion, but when feelings for a guy are involved, it changes my mindset dramatically.

I've been "penpals" with a guy I "met" on OkCupid back in April. We have a weird relationship. We're attracted to one another physically, but will only use each other for conversation and flirting. We have both expressed no interest in meeting, and would rather just communicate via email, not even through texts or phone calls. Hell, we don't even have each other's phone numbers.  We talk about our thrysts, dates and fill each other in on our day to day activities. Normally, we talk through email all day long, making fun of each other and being abusive in a playful way. All in all, we are "friends" to some extent. We will call him Ozzie, a derivative of his last name.

So forgive me if the following passage  is written in the wrong tense- it was an email I sent to Ozzie a while back and hadn't made the time to update my blog.

I'm really confused. The IT Pilot and I had a fun time last night- a really geeky date; we went to the bookstore over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went thru the clearance racks. He paid for my items and then we went to dinner and chatted until the restaurant closed.

We came back to his place, and put on one of the DVDs that we bought at the store, and we were just lounging on the couch cuddling and relaxing. We would kiss.... then make out..... and watch the movie in between.

At one point, it got heavier than expected and he got on top of me and put himself in between my legs and started caressing me pretty hard. And that's when I felt it. The discomfort. The anxiety. I'm thinking, this isn't right. I don't want to do this..... what's going to happen? I was really nervous, his hand brushed my chest and my crotch, and it felt so wrong. I didn't know what to think- why is he doing this? It's only the third date.... why can he wait 6 months with the last girl he dated, and not even a week with me. WTF?

I felt... taken advantage of, and I wasn't ready to take that step with him. We stopped and he just lay there, glancing back at the TV, while I just tried to keep it together. I could feel my eyes watering up, but luckily didn't. Around midnight, I decided to leave and he walked me out to my car. I gave him a half-assed hug and kiss, and then just sat there in my car thinking "WTF just happened?" He'd told to text him when I got home, so when I did, he responded with "Awesome. Sleep Well :)"

I couldn't get the thought out my head, so about five minutes later I texted back "What happened tonight?" I got a response the next day morning with "I was asking myself the same thing."

I want to let it work..... but I felt used. Earlier in the night he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him I was feeling anxious and nervous. He said "You keep saying that. It's annoying. I'm not going to leave you, so don't think like that"

Ozzie replied about thirty minutes later:

aww....what a cute date. puke. sorry just sounds kind of gay to me. what happened to drinks? maybe thats why you fell awkward on the couch. if you like the guy why were you turned off? you obviously didnt like his moves.  you didnt have to have sex, it was just foreplay. why couldn't you just go with it? are you not sexually attracted to him? it's always easy to get turned on in the beginning, right? besides 3 dates? haven't you f*cked in less? why were you such a bitch when you left? i would've held on to you.  i always give them something to remember.  don't you like that? guess he could tell. 


Normally, the physical actions wouldn't bother me, and I would probably just let it progress..... but I actually care what he thinks of me, and I'm in no rush to have sex with him. It's awkward because, I've recently decided to hold off on sex if I really like the guy. Before, we would sleep together within the first couple of dates/days together, but it hadn't worked out at all up to this point, so I wanted to try something different.  The reason why I wanted to take it slow with him was because I'm scared of having my heart broken. I guess I was right to think that. And yes, I've had sex in less time than that- but it's never worked out. I didn't want to make the same mistake. 

I wanted to hold back. And it just bit me in the ass apparently. I asked him if he'd rather just get it in right away at first and he said "Not sure, I'll think it over."

Ouch.

I'm scared of dating

The day following our first date, the IT Pilot and I met up at the Miller Outdoor Theatre to watch an Opera out on the lawn. I brought over a blanket and fruit, and settled down into the grass, as we completely ignored the play and just joked around. We had a great time listening to music, laying down together under the stars, awww yes, very romantic, nestled within hundreds of other spectators.

 

After the show, we went back to his place and talked some, but made out like crazy. We saw each other the next day as well and had the geekiest date I've ever had.  We went to Half Books over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went through the clearance rack. I picked out items, and he bought them for me. Then we went to La Madeleine for dinner and hung out until they closed.

 

It felt like things were slowly coming into play. Possibly.

 

Thing is, I'm really concerned about when it comes to being "serious" with someone. Let's just say that this past year has had more downs than ups. When I was hanging out with IT Pilot, he kept asking me what I was thinking about but I really couldn't say it. Thing is, I'm scared of being vulnerable. I've been with two guys since last year who I THOUGHT things were going fine with ("J" and Mr. Anime/Jared Leto lookalike) and just got dumped on my ass. We talked and saw each other frequently and then one of them flat out told me he didn't see anything in common with me (yet we hung out for a week straight, having sex and me spending the night over) and the other one just stopped calling. I called twice before quitting. I never got any kind of answer as to why he didn't want to be anymore. He just stopped returning my calls. I was so confused.

So you can understand my apprehension about seeing things with this guy take off at all. I don't want to be hurt, so I'm always going to have that fear that it won't work out because it's already started the same exact way before- perfectly good, with the cuddling and kissing and the blah blah, and then some short time later it's dead.

 

However, the IT Pilot is more boyfriend material than The Virgin BY FAR. He's my age, married straight out of high school, stayed together for about 3 years, and has been in another serious relationship for 2.5 years. So to me it sounds like he knows what he's doing.

It's tempting to have a boyfriend, but it's also tempting to keep that freedom and heart intact. I'm afraid to put my all and effort into something that won't materialize. Which is why I'm not telling ANYONE that I'm dating. It's really embarassing to say that I'm seeing someone, and then they're out of the picture by the next week.... or month. So I probably won't say anything (even if it does turn a bit more serious) until a month later.... maybe even two. It's hard to keep it in; I love sharing that stuff with my girlfriends, but I look like such an idiot when it's over right quick.

 

The introduction of the IT Pilot

I continued my exploration of OkCupid, sending out messages to a few guys here and there, making small talk. When it comes to online dating, girls definitely have the advantage; the ratio has mainly been in our favor.

I came across a picture of a guy with a soft smile and calm expression on his face. I read his profile, and as soon as I read Muse and Deadmau5 in his list of music tastes, I was sold. He'd moved from Alabama to Houston about 5 years ago (just as I had from California) and had been exploring the city on his own. He worked in IT (always a plus) and also managed to pilot planes (a double plus). He didn't smoke (a requirement) and he was in school and living on his own. He looked a bit geeky-ish in his pictures, and I was definitely attracted by it.

I broke the ice with a reference to music, and we began exchanging messages for a few days before he called me and we set up a date for the upcoming Saturday. Since I was at my mom's in Katy for the weekend to take care of my sisters, he decided to come out to my side of town, about a 40-minutes drive, and met up for drinks at Wild Wing around 9:30pm. Conversation started alright. I could tell we were both sort of shy. I normally am not a good storyteller with someone new because all my stories involve sex, so on first dates, I expect the guy to talk more and ask me questions that I can answer. By the end of the first beer, I started getting chattier and we were talking about random stuff. At one point we talked about porn, and he seemed interested/shocked that I liked breasts and girls. He even asked me if I was bi to which I said no.

Since he had driven over from the Medical Center, he didn't want to drink too much. 2:00 am came and neither one of us was ready to go home. We still wanted to hang out but we didn't know of any after-hours. Since a bartender at Jet Lounge had told me they play music there till 6:00 I said to him that it was the only place I knew of asked "would you like to go? I know it's downtown and far and I can't drive right now, so you would be the one driving us and I actually have a curfew- I have to be back before my mom leaves to work at 5:30 am." He thought it over and said "yeah let's go!"

The ride felt never-ending. I normally don't feel like the distances are far but damn, I could actually feel the miles on the counter. We show up at Jet Lounge and well f*ck- it's closed. I'm thinking "Oh shit. We drove all the way out here for nothing...." and he says "Well, we can go back to my place- I live in the medical center- 10 mins away......."

So we take off and I ask him "You normally take your dates back to your place on the first night?" he thinks about it and laughs and says "No, actually this is the first time."

Damnit!! Am I just too easy??

So we go back to his place, take a shot of Patrón, and then get stupidly giggly and just continue talking on the couch while the tv provides background noise. We're just conversing and I'm laying down on him as he looks down at me and pulls me in for a kiss. We have an intense make out session, laugh and talk in between breaths until my alarm goes off. "Damnit- It's time to go" I say.  We're both bummed out and he drives me back the forty miles to Wild Wings to pick up my car. My mom calls me around 5:30 just to make sure I'm coming home.

He drops me off at my car and we're just hugging it out and he says "I want to see you again next week- and I mean before the weekend" so I'm like "Yes, I do too."  Of course we didn't make plans because I'm still on cloud 9 and I can't think straight. We part ways and I text him to let me know when he gets home safely. I pass out at home, and when I wake up later on I see his text "I'm home. :-) had a great time... talk to you in a few hours... sleep needed. ;-) "

Sooooo overall I'd say date was a success. WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX cause obviously I'm still on my period but even if I wasn't, I wouldn't have. I like this guy. He's coy and teased me while we were out and I felt really comfortable with that. And even though we were both drunk, it wasnt awkward and I didn't feel horny or felt the need to jump him. I did feel the need to kiss him at the bar, but it was too soon for that. I don't want to rush it. I'm interested in getting to know him and he didn't make any sexual advances (other than slapping my ass when I was laying down, but that's no biggie) so overall, he was a gentleman.

We recalculated the last time he had sex- even he didn't realize it had been since August of last year.
Damn. Poor guy.

Friends with Benefits

We were talking about FWB (friends with benefits) the other night, and each of us girls was describing what would make a good buddy. I think I was the only who said she would go for someone who was moderately attractive. In my opinion, I feel like I would end up liking my buddy if he was too good looking, and end up developing feelings for him. I'd rather have an average Joe (still have a desirable body, just an okay face) because I'd feel more comfortable with them.

Is this what I was essentially using OkCupid for? Possible FWBs to avoid getting into any relationship and prevent myself from suffering any possibly heartbreak?

The Virgin, Part 2

The next week, the Virgin and I had finally made plans to meet up at Sherlock's Pub just down the street from my apartment- but not before arguing and convincing him that I didn't want to go to his house to play pool out in Richmond. Yes, sure it's great that you have your own house and all, but I mean, Come on! First meeting at your place? And in Richmond? Not gonna happen like that.
I show up at the Pub and see him sitting at a table playing with his phone. I'm actually quite impressed. He was pretty damn attractive.

Damn, I guess you're just not photogenic.

I was immediately drawn to him. Forget the fact that he talked to me about Southpark for a good fifteen minutes (I stopped watching it in 1998.....) he was shy and confident at the same time. He was quiet, but kept the conversation going. After a while, we had to move tables because the ones we had squatted at were reserved for a birthday party. We went into the live music area, and just hung out, drinking my beer while he paced himself with his mixed drink.

The alcohol slowly started taking effect, and we began playing "Never have I ever." It's obvious that this game will take on a sexual approach, and it's obvious that I'm going to get drunk before he does. After staring at each other for what seemed like an eternity, he pushed forward and stuck his tongue in my mouth in rapid, snake movements.

"Um, you're kissing too fast" I told him. "Ok, show me how I should do it" he frankly asked. He didn't get offended at what I'd just said, and he caught on within minutes. Hmmm, a fast learner. This looks promising. We continued until he practically begged to go back to my apartment so we could continue making out there.

We end up at my apartment and the makeout begins in the living room, and gradually makes its way to the bedroom. Unfortunately for him, I was on my period that night, so no sex could take place. He was disappointed but I decided to *beep*Beep*beep*beep* (i.e.: Please him orally)

As soon as we were finished, he took off like a bat out of hell. It was past midnight and we both had work the next day, and he still needed to drive back to Richmond. I was glad to have my bed to myself that night.

I didn't hear from him the next couple of days, but he did message me about a week later asking if we could meet up again. I was going to be busy at my mom's taking care of my sisters, so time was limited. Plus, he was going through some stressful times at work and with one of his rental homes, and had been too drained to set anything up.

I was okay though. It's not like I expected a relationship with him either. He was too inexperienced when it came to being with a woman emotionally. He would treat her like a guy. He was oblivious to a woman's sensitivity, and didn't believe in pursuing a girl. Sorry, but I need attention. All girls do. In my case however, if you don't check in on me the following day, I move on. I have a short attention span.

We really did try to hang out again, but something always came up- late nights at work, prior commitments etc. The last time he tried to ask me out, I denied. I had just begun seeing someone else and didn't feel it was right. This person will soon make an appearance in this blog..... 

The Virgin

OkCupid has brought on a different array of guys that I didn't see back last summer. This second  round (or is it the third?) was just more questionable.

I started talking to a 24 year old guy- to this day, I can't figure out why. You ever look at someone's pictures and you don't find them all that attractive physically, buy you seem to hit it off, their voice is pleasant when you talk that you just develop some kind of interest to them? Do you go back and look at their pictures hoping that somehow their face will change and become more interesting? He just looked like a kid still because he was younger, but his features were really pronounced because he's Hungarian. Really tall (6'3"), broad shoulders, big hands, strong jawline, big eyebrow bone. It's kinda scary. I'm thinking like neantherdal.  He looked really bad in his pictures.

Anyway, we talked on the phone one Saturday night for a while, and of course it led to sex, and he admitted that he was still at virgin. [Choke] Wait, what? A virgin.....? Again??

We decide to add each other on Facebook and I notice we have a mutual friend. Say whaaaaat? A mutual friend?? Who? I'm still fairly 'new' to Houston, and don't know that many people, so I can't possibly imagine who it could be. It turns out it's half of a couple that I met years ago through another friend. When I ask him how he knows them (as well as other people on my friend's list) he says "through church." I tried my hardest to hold back my laughter, considering we've just spent close to an hour discussing sex, and how he basically looked up to me to take his virginity. "Don't tell her how we met" he tells me. "I don't intend to, so don't worry" I reassure him.

The call failed late that night as we were saying good night, so there really wasn't a point to call back just to say "Oh hey, dropped call. Have a good night though!"

So here's the question you're probably wondering- Would Ren have sex with the Virgin? I don't know. Maybe just for fun; I have to say that's a lot of pressure to live up to his fantasy or expectations of sex, especially if he's never seen a vagina up close. And truth is, I was disappointed by my last virgin encounter so I'm not too excited about trying it again. I prefer someone with experience. I'm too selfish to try to teach someone if it's not for long term. I want to get off during sex, not get frustrated that I can't my jollies.

But this story needs to be continued, so I will be back soon with the rest :)

30 going on 17

Against better judgment, I got sucked into the worst douchebag of all time. I can't exactly figure out why, but I'm tempted to say that it was his gaze that made me go bonkers.

I met this guy online, and from the beginning he made the rudest and most awkward comments. We talked for a few days, but this guy was just..... I don't know. He would offend and say "I'm just kidddiiiing!" I hate that. Just because you say 'no offense' doesn't mean you can say whatever it is you want.

I decided to meet this guy at Bingo and go simply as "friends" which automatically translated to 'Friends with Benefits.' Ay chihuahuas..... as my coworker would say.

Anyway, we have fun at bingo, but it's clear that we're both physically attracted to each other cause we're playing footsies and what not, and he's petting me and carressing when we're in line (ie- putting his hand on my back, running his fingers through my hair etc.)

I don't mind it. I'm not going to complain about getting attention. We share two pitchers of beer during Bingo, and we're having a really fun time, cracking jokes at other people's expenses and making funnies. After bingo, he suggests we go to a bar not too far away. I follow him there, and we continue drinking and teasing each other, flirting, even being mean to one another-

And then he starts saying a whole bunch of stuff like "I love you and I want to be your boyfriend. Want to be my girlfriend? What do you want?" etc, etc. Then it just gets graphic. "Let me suck on your breast. Lets go have sex. I want to eat you out." I laugh it off of course, cause I know that it's most of the alcohol doing the talking. I was pretty drunk too, but I kept my composure. I always pushed him away, but I did it slyly, and in actuality, I was teasing him back too when I would smile and laugh it off. So I guess he got upset at something, told me I said something mean, and he said he was leaving and asked if I was leaving too.

He just walked out so I'm thinking "Well I guess I have to go as well. I'm not staying here alone." We walked back to our cars, me ahead of him, and he's just dragging along in the back, in silence. He comes running and grabs me by the waist and hugs me. So we get back to the car, and he opens the back door to get into the back seat and he's like "Come on... get in."

I'm drunk, but not that drunk.  I'm like "Uh huh. No. I'm not getting in there. So you can Just close the door and stand outside with me."At this point we're facing each other, he's holding me, and I'm about to kiss him but I back off until I finally just go ahead and kiss him. We make out for a bit, and then I hear my mom's ringtone. Somehow we end up separating and as he's walking back to get into his car he says "Finally I'm free" and I just give him the confusing look, like, "Umm okkkk.... WTF? You're weird."

We go home our separate ways, and the next morning, I end up texting him and saying 'thank you' because you know... I have manners? He responds saying he was late to work by an hour and a half. I reply "Sorry dude. You must have been really drunk" to which he says "No, just sleeppyy."
He had asked me at the bar about the whole bf/gf thing and why I kept saying no, and he asked me "You want a FWB (Friends with Benefits) don't you?" and when I didn't answer, he said "Yeahhh you want one."

The more I think about it, the more I realize he's a douche. That's why he's not boyfriend material. I wouldn't mind him as a FWB cause I don't feel anything emotional for him- he's fun to flirt with, there's a sexual attraction, but his character turns me off so badly and leaves me scratching my head. It's like he's 17, when in actuality he's 30. Dude, act your damn age! It was a lot of "I'm just kidding" during the night when he'd say something slightly offensive,  so there was never a serious moment.
 I remember him telling me "Man you didn't even thank me for buying you a beer"- which sounded more like a complaint.

Sorry dude, but I was pretty drunk to care about what you thought of me.





PS: If you live in Houston, Bingo night at the SPJST Lodge 88 in the Heights on Thursday nights is TONS of fun. Cheap food, beer and games. Bring your own liquor/alcohol/food as well (not beer) if you prefer. I guarantee at least 3 hours of fun.

Jet Lounge Douche

After the disappointing date with The Uncle, I went back to OkCupid to search for someone else to hang out with. A guy about five years older than me, with interesting pictures messaged me about my musical tastes. We talked for a few days before he offered his number and he asked me out. Since I wasn't mentally in the mood to go out on a date, I told him I was only on OkC to make new friends. He agreed too (shocker) and said we didn't have to go on a date. Since he was a band promoter, he mentioned that he'd be booking some bands for a Saturday show and would be managing the door. He told me he could get me in for free, and when I invited one of my girlfriends to come with, I asked him if he'd be able to get her in too. "Ok, I think I can sneak her in, but tell her she owes me a beer"

Um... ok.... That's nice of you....

My friend took forever to get ready and we showed up downtown near midnight. I saw the guy at the door, and he looked..... doable- after about 3 drinks on my behalf. The lounge was alright. It was kind of dead.
My friend hated the lounge because it wasnt at all her scene. A while later he came over to where we were at the bar and hung out for a while, but he always had to excuse himself cause he had to keep an eye on audio equipment. At one point I told him "So I guess I owe you a beer for letting my friend in" and he said ok and I ordered us 2 beers. The bartender gave him his for free and I paid for mine, then he turned around to say "oh mine's free. I guess you still owe me beer! Ha ha "

Yeah. Ha. Fucking ha.

When my friend found out she said "He didn't even offer to pay for yours? Yeah, drop him. A girl shouldn't buy a guy his drink"

She kept asking me the entire night if I liked the guy, what I thought of him, did I see potential and I just had to say "not really."  The guy isn't ugly, just, didn't make me go "wow" in my head when I saw him. There wasn't sexual chemistry for me, and I actually saw him as a possible friend friend. He was really nice but we were both boring together. So even then I didn't see us having a blast as friends if we hung out. He asked me what I was doing that weekend, and since I was spending it with my family, he asked if I wanted to come back next Friday and hang out. I told him I'd see what I had planned for then.

No back seat for this guy- I think he's one of those really awkward, don't-know-how-to-flirt types of guys. Like, smiling was the only thing he was doing. He barely hugged me and didn't get into any petting at all. Like.... incredibly shy or something. Or he's just completely clueless about girls.

My friend kept complaining to go and around 1:15 or so asked if we could leave to go to Wonderbar instead. The guy was busy so I had to wait until he came back outside so we could say bye and left around 1:40. I took a wrong turn (I hate downtown) and she just said to go home. 

Seven days later, he texted me asking if I wanted to go to Fitzgerald (another music venue) for a show. SEVEN days later.

Well, I guess he took that "friend's first only" speech I gave him to heart.

I didn't go.

I got dumped in under 30 minutes

Alright, so let's get the next set of stories lined up.

Back in April, I decided to give the online dating thing back another try. My intention was to use OkCupid mainly as a means of finding a friend. I guess I really didn't get the part that it is next to impossible to find a real friend without benefits in the online community.

I am so naive.

I started talking to a guy, and a few days later, we decided to meet up for sushi and a movie. He appeared to be a real gentleman, and I quickly agreed. Since his sister had just given birth to her first child, let's call him The Uncle, cause I honestly can't remember what his name is. Not like it matters much.

My thought exactly

He suggested a sushi restaurant over about 30 minutes away from me. I didn't bother asking why since he was the one inviting. I arrived a few minutes early, and just stayed in my car waiting for him to show up. I never wait inside. I don't like giving the obvious impression that this is a first date if we greet inside the restaurant- I feel like all eyes are on us.

He showed up about 15 minutes later, and he stood at the entrance reaching for his cell. He was dressed business casual, and as I approached him, my face suddenly started shifting to the disappointment. In all honesty, I think his face did too. We greeted each other and immediately walked in. We sat at the bar and ordered our dishes, barely making conversation.

Me: "So how was your grandmother's birthday party yesterday?"
Him: "Oh it was alright. We ate a lot of food"
Me: "Was most of your family there too?"
Him: "Yeah"

.....silence.....

The minutes inched by. I was so glad to see our food arrive, because that way at least we wouldn't have a reason to talk as much.

Me: "So why did you pick this restaurant? I thought you lived in another area"
Him: "Oh well I figured it would be easier for you. You live in this area right?"
Me: "No. I live over on the west side of town. About 30 minutes away."
Him: "Oh I guess I'm not too familiar with Westchase. I live about 30 minutes up north"

Well that was smart. I understand your intentions were good, but we both had to drive out of our way for this seemingly boring date.

We went through the notions of discussing our lines of work (which I can't remember) and our time spent living in Houston (which I don't remember either.) It was obvious we weren't clicking at all, and I was desperately looking for a way to end this date, but didn't see how I could since he had invited me to the movies afterwards.

This is so boring!

As he called up the check on minute 25, and pulled out his credit card before the server had even handed him the bill, he said "So, do you mind if I take a rain check on this movie. I'm feeling pretty tired"

Sweet music to my ears.

"Sure, no problem" I answered jovially.

He paid for dinner, signed the receipt and we walked out.

"Well it was nice meeting you. I'll call you" he said.
"Yeah, thanks for dinner" I told him.

I quickly walked back into my car, looked at my watched and let out a sigh. 7:30pm

I quickly called my friend Shannon to fill her in on my date.

Shannon: "Aren't you supposed to be out on your date? What are you doing calling me?"
Me: "I was. It just ended."
Shannon: "Whaaat? It wasn't even an hour!"
Me: "Thirty minutes to be exact. Can you believe the ride to the restaurant took me longer than the date itself??"
Shannon: "Well that sucks"