Monday, July 18, 2011

Holding back

This entry may not make much sense, considering I've ended up having sex on the first night on more than one ocassion, but when feelings for a guy are involved, it changes my mindset dramatically.

I've been "penpals" with a guy I "met" on OkCupid back in April. We have a weird relationship. We're attracted to one another physically, but will only use each other for conversation and flirting. We have both expressed no interest in meeting, and would rather just communicate via email, not even through texts or phone calls. Hell, we don't even have each other's phone numbers.  We talk about our thrysts, dates and fill each other in on our day to day activities. Normally, we talk through email all day long, making fun of each other and being abusive in a playful way. All in all, we are "friends" to some extent. We will call him Ozzie, a derivative of his last name.

So forgive me if the following passage  is written in the wrong tense- it was an email I sent to Ozzie a while back and hadn't made the time to update my blog.

I'm really confused. The IT Pilot and I had a fun time last night- a really geeky date; we went to the bookstore over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went thru the clearance racks. He paid for my items and then we went to dinner and chatted until the restaurant closed.

We came back to his place, and put on one of the DVDs that we bought at the store, and we were just lounging on the couch cuddling and relaxing. We would kiss.... then make out..... and watch the movie in between.

At one point, it got heavier than expected and he got on top of me and put himself in between my legs and started caressing me pretty hard. And that's when I felt it. The discomfort. The anxiety. I'm thinking, this isn't right. I don't want to do this..... what's going to happen? I was really nervous, his hand brushed my chest and my crotch, and it felt so wrong. I didn't know what to think- why is he doing this? It's only the third date.... why can he wait 6 months with the last girl he dated, and not even a week with me. WTF?

I felt... taken advantage of, and I wasn't ready to take that step with him. We stopped and he just lay there, glancing back at the TV, while I just tried to keep it together. I could feel my eyes watering up, but luckily didn't. Around midnight, I decided to leave and he walked me out to my car. I gave him a half-assed hug and kiss, and then just sat there in my car thinking "WTF just happened?" He'd told to text him when I got home, so when I did, he responded with "Awesome. Sleep Well :)"

I couldn't get the thought out my head, so about five minutes later I texted back "What happened tonight?" I got a response the next day morning with "I was asking myself the same thing."

I want to let it work..... but I felt used. Earlier in the night he asked me what I was thinking about and I told him I was feeling anxious and nervous. He said "You keep saying that. It's annoying. I'm not going to leave you, so don't think like that"

Ozzie replied about thirty minutes later:

aww....what a cute date. puke. sorry just sounds kind of gay to me. what happened to drinks? maybe thats why you fell awkward on the couch. if you like the guy why were you turned off? you obviously didnt like his moves.  you didnt have to have sex, it was just foreplay. why couldn't you just go with it? are you not sexually attracted to him? it's always easy to get turned on in the beginning, right? besides 3 dates? haven't you f*cked in less? why were you such a bitch when you left? i would've held on to you.  i always give them something to remember.  don't you like that? guess he could tell. 

Normally, the physical actions wouldn't bother me, and I would probably just let it progress..... but I actually care what he thinks of me, and I'm in no rush to have sex with him. It's awkward because, I've recently decided to hold off on sex if I really like the guy. Before, we would sleep together within the first couple of dates/days together, but it hadn't worked out at all up to this point, so I wanted to try something different.  The reason why I wanted to take it slow with him was because I'm scared of having my heart broken. I guess I was right to think that. And yes, I've had sex in less time than that- but it's never worked out. I didn't want to make the same mistake. 

I wanted to hold back. And it just bit me in the ass apparently. I asked him if he'd rather just get it in right away at first and he said "Not sure, I'll think it over."


  1. SO many things.

    1. I am suspicious of any man who repeatedly asks what you are thinking. It reeks of the type of personality that tries to make you feel special in order to undermine your confidence and manipulate you later.

    2. It had to have been obvious that you were uncomfortable with the progress in making out. If he didn't notice your discomfort he is too stupid to be with you. If he DID notice and kept on, he is too much of a Big A Asshole to be with you.

    3. I think you are totally over thinking the sex aspect. I completely understand the hesitation, the need to do things differently this time, the fear of yet another heartbreak and rejection. But in the end, there is heartbreak and rejection whether you have an orgasm or not.

    I'm not saying that you should just jump on every guy you have a date with. I'm saying that you need to learn to follow what your body tells you. In this case, you should have stopped him the moment you were uncomfortable with where his hands were. It's YOUR body. He doesn't get to decide, there is no reason to give him that sort of power. But if after three dates it felt right and you weren't hesitating? It's really not that big of a deal.

    4. I think the first order of business for you should not be figuring out why he decided to have a grope fest, but figuring out why you didn't stop him the minute you knew you weren't into it.

    For me it was really that I didn't think I could dictate when and how. I was so afraid of being alone or rejected, so concerned about making every single person I dated fall madly in love with me, that I never gave a thought to what I wanted. I just did whatever he wanted, lived through the discomfort, and moved on. It was only when I realized that I was getting nothing that I wanted that way that I began to make changes. I'm happy to talk about it over email if you need a wall to throw ideas at. ( Hang in there!

  2. Aside from #1 (learn something new every day), I think WOB's comment is spot on. I'm also impressed with Ozzie since, in a round about way, he is asking you questions that point to the same direction as WOB.

    Btw, thought email to Ozzie was very well written. Hope you get some answers.