Saturday, July 16, 2011

I'm scared of dating

The day following our first date, the IT Pilot and I met up at the Miller Outdoor Theatre to watch an Opera out on the lawn. I brought over a blanket and fruit, and settled down into the grass, as we completely ignored the play and just joked around. We had a great time listening to music, laying down together under the stars, awww yes, very romantic, nestled within hundreds of other spectators.
After the show, we went back to his place and talked some, but made out like crazy. We saw each other the next day as well and had the geekiest date I've ever had.  We went to Half Books over in Rice Village and perused the aisles and went through the clearance rack. I picked out items, and he bought them for me. Then we went to La Madeleine for dinner and hung out until they closed.
It felt like things were slowly coming into play. Possibly.
Thing is, I'm really concerned about when it comes to being "serious" with someone. Let's just say that this past year has had more downs than ups. When I was hanging out with IT Pilot, he kept asking me what I was thinking about but I really couldn't say it. Thing is, I'm scared of being vulnerable. I've been with two guys since last year who I THOUGHT things were going fine with ("J" and Mr. Anime/Jared Leto lookalike) and just got dumped on my ass. We talked and saw each other frequently and then one of them flat out told me he didn't see anything in common with me (yet we hung out for a week straight, having sex and me spending the night over) and the other one just stopped calling. I called twice before quitting. I never got any kind of answer as to why he didn't want to be anymore. He just stopped returning my calls. I was so confused.

So you can understand my apprehension about seeing things with this guy take off at all. I don't want to be hurt, so I'm always going to have that fear that it won't work out because it's already started the same exact way before- perfectly good, with the cuddling and kissing and the blah blah, and then some short time later it's dead.
However, the IT Pilot is more boyfriend material than The Virgin BY FAR. He's my age, married straight out of high school, stayed together for about 3 years, and has been in another serious relationship for 2.5 years. So to me it sounds like he knows what he's doing.

It's tempting to have a boyfriend, but it's also tempting to keep that freedom and heart intact. I'm afraid to put my all and effort into something that won't materialize. Which is why I'm not telling ANYONE that I'm dating. It's really embarassing to say that I'm seeing someone, and then they're out of the picture by the next week.... or month. So I probably won't say anything (even if it does turn a bit more serious) until a month later.... maybe even two. It's hard to keep it in; I love sharing that stuff with my girlfriends, but I look like such an idiot when it's over right quick.


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