Friday, February 4, 2011

"It's all or nothing"

I'll admit it- I was juggling my chances with Mr. Anime and Wes. But I never honestly believed Wes and I could happen.  The worst outcome could have been that they both dumped me- but I'd be getting ahead of myself, and we haven't even breached the topic on Mr. Anime yet. So let's continue....

Past midnight one night, Wes texted me asking "How come you don't hardly talk to me anymore?"
Yes, I know, poor grammar, just bear with it.

Ren: Because I don't want to crush myself anymore.
Wes: More what? I already told you once my schooling is done I'm going back
Ren: And I told you we wouldn't work out. We'd end up hating each other in the end.
Wes: So in the meantime you are just going to not talk to me? F*ck that....... You can't go from liking me as much as you did to nothing... f*ck that... either you do or you don't.... there is no in between... what's it going to be.... it's all or nothing.
Ren: And I'd rather not do anything to risk the chance of losing your frienship.
Wes: Well I want more than that. And all I asked for was your patience... I'm going back home... I just have to finish school first... and I don't want to be just friends.... Sorry.

Well Shit. He never asked me to be exclusive, and him flirting and me reciprocating it was not exactly the same idea then.  I never thought about being in a committed relationship while he was away; it never even occurred to me. Can you assess the chances of us meeting face to face and being disappointed by the physical outcome? Ugh.

My thought was that if he came to Houston in the summertime and I was still single, then we'd meet and see if we hit it off. But the thought of waiting for him never even entered my mind; I simply didn't think it would work that way. So I told him the truth.....

Ren: You don't want to be my friend, then you don't have to be. I need to trust my gut on this, and say that I'm not comfortable with you. As a friend it's okay because I'm not involved, but romantically I'm scared of you which is why I know it wouldn't work; which is why i prefer to hold back and keep you at a distance.
Wes: Why are you scared of me? What the f*ck... I've done nothing to you...
Ren: it's the way you express yourself!!

A few minutes later, my phone rings. "Wes" on the caller ID.
[Sigh] Damnit.

And we argued, and talked and argued some more.... but it was mainly Wes venting out his frustration, while I just listened.

He said "I dont give a f*ck about Houston. I've been overwhelmed with funerals. I'm tired of it. One thing's for sure though, I'd never do you wrong. No lie, the day you told me not to talk to you anymore, I almost went to my boss and to my school to quit for you. I almost quit everything just to be with you."

My jaw dropped, but I let a heavy sigh escape. This can't be true. I don't believe it. Drop everything for me? Is he playing the guilt card?

"No don't do that" I told him. "Why not??" he asked. "Because we won't work out" I told him.

I continued telling him that the way he talked, expressed himself actually scared me to which he said "You're a sweetheart and I love the f*ck out of you. The way I act is not directed towards you. I miss talking to you and you just keep pushing me away!"

When it got to the point where I couldn't get my words in because he wouldn't let me I frustratingly yelled "You see this is what I mean!! We're not even together and we're fighting! I've already told you what I felt- why do you keep asking me??"

I honestly can't remember how the conversation ended, or what answer he accepted; all I remember was me telling him that it past 2:00 AM and I needed to go to sleep for work the next day. A few minutes later:


I haven't heard from Wes since that night, and he hasn't responded to the AIM and text message I sent him within the last few days explaining that I didn't want him out of my life completely and that I did care for him, and hope he'd be okay.

We "broke up."


  1. Sometimes it's better to just have your memories and walk away. I never did so well at the kinda-sorta thing. I wanted the relationship to either be all the way or not at all.