Saturday, August 27, 2011

The Venus Flytrap

Wes and I got into an intense makeout session that worked its way into my bedroom. There was no element of surprise on my behalf. I knew exactly what was going to happen as soon as I suggested we go out for drinks just a block from my apartment.

I go into my closet to reach for a couple of condoms and hand it to him. Initially, he didn't want to wear one, so he grabs it and says "Okay, you want me to wear one, fine." He puts it on and his penis becomes limp immediately, and I'm like Dude WTF? So I help him out, and he starts thrusting. We start having messy sex, where the movements are out of whack and not entirely exciting.

In the back of my head, I'm thinking "Man, it better only suck cause he's had too much to drink, cause his moves are completely out of sync right now." With much effort, I manage to orgasm, I don't know, I may have faked, and he climbs off and lays on the bed. He asks for a blow job, to which I answer "Ok, but go wash up first." I momentarily fall asleep as he takes a shower, and as he comes out, I mention "You didn't come."

"It's a good thing I didn't" he answers.
"Why do you say that?" I ask him.
"Cause I took the condom off" he replies.

My eyes nearly bulge out of my head.

"What???" I nearly scream out. "Why the hell did you do that for?? I'm ovulating right now. You picked the worst possible time to use the pull out method. And moreover, I didn't give you permission to take off the condom" I chastise him.

At this point, I just want him to GTFO and never look back. I'm pissed and irritated that he would choose to take the condom off in the first place.

Head down, he begins dressing back up, not saying a word and goes out the front door. Seconds later, I realize I need to go unlock the gate to let him out in the first place, so he comes back up the stairs and says "You do realize you need to let me out right?"

Nice way to kick someone out, yet still have to walk them to the door. Fail.

I angrily stomp down the stairs and open the gate to let him go. We both say goodbye, and I rush back up to my apartment, get into bed and try to fall back asleep.

A few hours later I wake up and check my phone, and see an incoherent text from him:

Wes: Oh.... btw I didn't pull our off it came off on its own and j didn't notice..... but thanks for kicking me out..... I'm going back tomn... you were the real reason I came down here.... you hate me so wtf ever.... I'll never come back.

Looks like predictive texting couldn't help him on this one.

I check the floor, the trashcans and I don't see the condom. I look around the room and there's clothes everywhere, including his undershirt and his t-shirt on the floor. WTF did he leave with last night???

I text him back and say "I need to know- did you throw the condom away or is it inside me still?"

At this point, I have a bunch of thoughts going through my head. I don't feel anything weird inside me, but I somehow manage to smell a condom. Or at least I think I do. So I check myself. I check for a while, but I don't feel anything in me. Yet, I'm still convinced that I have a lost condom inside of me so I start digging as deep as I can (which is hard considering the angle...)

I do my kegel exercise and push as hard as I can and I finally feel something-
the ring to the condom.

I'm like... Ooooh F&%$........  How the F&#@ am I going to get it out??

I swear to God I started going through names of people in my head that I could trust to give me a hand. Literally. My friend Slut Monster was the only one I could think of. If I don't get this condom out today, I have to call her tomorrow.

I keep pushing, and digging deeper. I just need to grab it with both fingers so I can tweeze it out. I need to pull this condom out before I see Joshua. There is no way in hell I could explain a lost condom inside me if he finds it.

I finally glide it out just a tiny bit- enough to pinch it and grab it. I'm laying there on the bathroom floor, one leg up against the wall, the other against the counter, with my fingers inside my vagina, while I muster enough strength to push out and pull out- Is this what birth will look like? - until finally, I slowly pull it out and it comes out in one piece.

My vagina has become a flytrap.

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