"It's not you, it's me"

Things with the IT Pilot were going okay. We weren't talking as often, but we managed to go out on a few dates during the week. Joshua, our friend from bingo on the other hand continued texting me every single day to see how the IT Pilot and I were doing. I was mainly interested in getting him back on a dating website since I could sense he needed a partner to blow off some steam from his divorce.

Through texts, Joshua came off as extremely interesting; he talked quite a lot, was a good listener and gave great advice. I tried to set him up with Slut Monster, and when he asked for a picture, I showed him the only one I had on my Facebook. He mentioned he didn't find her all too appealing and that I was better looking than her in the picture.

"Um... thanks...." I responded.

Some time later, I started opening more about the IT Pilot and how he wasn't being too talkative. I stopped hearing from him as much, and he wasn't texting me anymore. A couple of days would go by before I even heard a beep. And from personal choice, I prefer not to chase a guy.

Ren: We're texting then all of a sudden he's gone. I'm like WTF? Did you put the phone down mid conversation and run away??? So sometimes I don't even feel like texting cause I know I'm never going to get a response right away. So it's like, phones don't exist between us. Might as well just accept that fact.
Joshua: No, you don't. Look, I want you to be happy. Do not settle. Ren are you happy? If so I couldn't be more happier for you. If not, reevaluate. Simple.

We continued texting, and the more he wrote, the more I began second guessing everything that was happening between me and the IT Pilot. I began making "excuses" saying "I think I'll be fine. I don't want to get in over my head. He just has another way of approaching this relationship."

Finally, after a weekend of zero communication, I let out all my insecurities to Joshua.


Joshua: Still no word from him? 
Ren: No, and it's stressing me out. Turning my stomach into knots and making me sick.  
Joshua: I'm sorry Ren. You are a beautiful woman. Screw him. 
Ren: I'm so upset I'm about to throw in the towel. I guess I wasn't enough for him.
Joshua: Honestly, even Betsy (his friend from bingo) thought you seemed out of his league. It's ok Ren. I'm here for you if you need me.

The next day, Joshua texted me to check up on me. I told him I was doing just as bad, not having heard from the IT Pilot. "We should get together for a few drinks" he texted. I agreed, to which he said "Let me know what day this week you are free. I'm looking forward to having a few drinks an trading a few stories, and hopefully having a few laughs."

I suggested we go to bingo the following Thursday and he acquiesced. He asked if I'd heard from the IT Pilot yet, to which I responded no.

A short while later, I manage to get the guts to call the IT Pilot after over 3 days of no contact.

Ren: Ok, so I was just wondering if you were interested in making this work.
IT Pilot: Yeah, about that..... I.... don't think we.... clicked.
Ren: So you were just going to go the entire weekend without letting me know?
IT: No....... I would have called you later or tomorrow. It's just that..... I've been extremely stressed with work and school, and I'm not ready for a serious relationship.

F*&$&) Bull^*%$!!

Ren: Oh no, I understand. It's the "it's not you, it's me excuse" except, it's actually not you, it's me.
IT: No, it's not that. It really is me. I just.... don't think I can do it. I still want us to be friends though. I like hanging out with you. I wouldn't mind going out every once in a while.
Ren: No. That's friends with benefits, and I'm not going to do that with you because unfortunately, I like you a lot. I'm not looking for casual dating, I'm looking for a serious relationship.

After everything was said and done, I texted one of my friends, and later called up Joshua to tell him what had happened, but not before I burst into tears over the telephone.

"It's over, it's over, it's over and I feel like shit run over ten times. There was a reason for me not to get too excited about it when I knew it would end just as quickly as it began. I'm extremely tired of investing emotions when its not going to work out. It's really painful" I told Joshua.

Joshua attempted to comfort me as best he could. We made plans to meet up the following Wednesday for happy hour.

Stay tuned......