Walking away

I wish I could be strong to just chuck everything out and not have to think twice about it. I really wish he would have left me alone the last time, and that he never would have asked me to try again because I honestly felt better again and the breakup had been easier to deal with. But I ended up falling for the things he told me and I so wanted someone to like me and I didn't want to leave familiar ground.

It was another big mistake and I felt myself starting to regret it now because I was having a hard time standing up for what I truly felt.

Halloween weekend came.... and the IT Pilot pulled the silent card again. We usually spent the weekends together, and I would go to his apartment after work on Fridays and stay through unti Monday, except this time, neither one of made an effort. I stayed quiet and never heard from him. Rocky Horror came and went, and on Sunday afternoon, after three days of no contact, I finally called him to ask what was going on. He acted cold, and mentioned nothing of our silent treatment for one another. When I asked if he wanted company for the day, he mentioned that he would be busy playing video games, but that I could come over to play as well.

"On what computer?" I asked, knowing full well he didn't have another one available to play together.

"I don't know" he answered.

"Then why ask me to come over?" I questioned.

"Oook, well I'm gonna go-" he said

At the sound of this, I hung up without even saying good bye.

I knew it was over. I immediately went to Facebook and deleted him from my friends. Per our previous discussion, he knew that if we broke up one more time, I would delete him from my phone and my Facebook, and would not attempt to contact him again. True to my words, I erased everything.

I can't remember how I handled the breakup, but experience tells me that I took it hard. I probably cried, called my friend to fill her in, and slept it off for a day.

The one man that I wanted didn't want to make it work. He had commitment issues, and was afraid of having a serious relationship with me. It was a bust.

The IT Pilot and I didn't speak again, and this time, he didn't come back either. Two weeks later, I went on a date with someone else, but the entire time, the IT Pilot was on my mind, and I was unable to give my full attention to the new person. Enter: Larry.

There is no "click"

A few weeks after the breakup with the IT Pilot, I decided to trek back onto POF and OkCupid, my two familiar territories. I really can't meet guys the conventional way; I don't go out of my apartment, and my friends and I really don't get together often enough to share a round of beers and talk about guys- and if we do, it's always at someone's house. So unless the maintenance guy is cute, my chances at meeting new guys are incredibly wHeat thin.


One Monday morning, I noticed a text message from the IT Pilot which read "How was your weekend."


It stopped me dead in my tracks. I immediately emailed Ozzie.


Ren: Um.... I just noticed that he sent me a text this morning.... "how was your weekend." Ummm WTF? Why?
Ozzie: Because he probably wants you back, and if you go back the same shit will happen again. And if you go back I will lose even more respect for you 
Ren: WTF. Why would he want me back? He already told me twice he doesn't see it happening with me. I dont think that's it. Does he just want to fuck with my head? He saw first hand how much it hurt me.
Ozzie:  So are you gonna respond?
Ren: Ugh. I have to at one point. I was cleaning out last week and found one of his gym bags at my place. I was like.... HTF did it get here? And I still have to get my games. I had told him I'd do it this week, but I'd much prefer do it next week.
Ozzie: How the f*** do you have so much shit at each others place??? I dont get it, it was one f****** month! Do you two just forget anything??




It was true, my head had been up in the clouds, and I often forgot things at other people's houses. Still, I was in no rush to see him again, mainly because of how things had happened the last time. Sex could definitely happen, and I didn't see that it was a safe bet to meet so soon while there were still feelings lingering around- at least on my end.


So a few days later, it came to me as a surprise when the IT Pilot asked if I wanted to go to Bingo with him. Since I didn't have anything else to do, and was still curious to see how he would behave in a friendly environment, I accepted and we met one Thursday night and played for a few hours.

His best friend/employee/temporary roomate didn't go so it was just us both. He kept throwing signs out there during the night, but I wasn't picking up on any of them, like he was trying to be coy or devious. What really made my night however was the fact that I won the last pot of the night and my share was $300! The IT Pilot was very excited and happy for me, and I instantly felt better.

As he walked me out to my car, he asked me if I wanted to come by to his place to watch Weeds (our weekly ritual when we were dating). I told him that it was getting late and I needed to get home. He seemed defeated. We hugged good night and went our separate way. A minute later, he texted me asking "Are you sure you don't want to come over?"

"Yes, I'm sure. It's late" I responded as I drove away. 

A few days later, the IT Pilot texted me once again to say he was going to the firing range with his friend, and asked if I was interested in going as well. I had previously liked the firing range, and didn't want to pass up, and agreed to meet them there later that afternoon. We had an awkward, friendly time, where I managed to outdo him with my marksmanship. 

Once we were done, he walked me back to my car and got his chance to ask me if I wanted to join them back home to hang out. I knew I shouldn't, but I couldn't hold myself back. I had liked this guy so much, and was curious to know what he was doing; he reeled me in so effortlessly every time. There was an intense chemistry between us, and I couldn't break free of it if it was standing right in front of me.

So I followed them home, and as soon as I got there, he motioned me to his bedroom to talk in private (since his roommate was there.) I gave him a look of confusion, but followed him anyway. He closed the door behind me and sat on his bed. 

"I feel like I'm in limbo after what happened with us the last time" he began, "I don't know how to explain it." 

He said he’d had a hard time after hanging out at Bingo a few nights earlier, and wanted to talk to me then. He wanted to be with me, he missed me, but didn’t know how to go about it. He asked me again if I was open to dating and I told him “What’s the point? You’ve already dumped me twice, telling me both times that it was because we didn’t ‘click’.

He tried explaining himself, saying that it wasn’t that there was no ‘click’, but that he felt I wasn’t open with my feelings and that he didn’t feel he could connect with me. He felt discouraged. It caught me off guard and I practically dismissed it. I got defensive and said “if that was the problem, then why didn’t you just tell me then? Why did you dump me instead of working it out? Why did you run away from the problem without fixing it? Why did you ignore me for that full week? I hated that.”

He said that he didn’t know that I cared so much about him until he came to see me that last night to exchange our belongings, and saw me crying and had found out I’d skipped out on work because of him. “I didn’t know because you were never open with me” he had said. I told him “I didn’t say anything because you weren’t open either and I didn’t want you to know that I possibly cared more for you than you cared for me. I have a different way of showing I care, and you saw that. I took care of you and I did things around the apartment for you.”

He asked me what I wanted and I told him the obvious: “I want a relationship with someone who wants to be with me- someone who wants to text me and call me everyday, someone who doesn’t have to hide the fact that they’re in a relationship with me. Someone who’s going to present and treat me like his girlfriend and not some chick they’re dating off and on. I want a serious relationship, a serious commitment, and you don’t want that because you don’t know what you want. You’re still lost, and trying to figure out what you want. Don’t waste my time.”

He got quiet and I continued telling him that the past two weeks without him had been the least stressful because when we were together, I agonized over the fact as to when I’d hear from him again. I wouldn’t get a text until 8 hours later. WTF? He told me he couldn’t text me all day, and I told him I understood- but "somewhere in there, you get a bathroom break, and a lunch break and you can text to say hello."  I told him “if you don’t give me the attention I need, I’m going to look for it elsewhere. A friend told me that if you really cared, you would make the effort to talk to me, but you didn’t. You ignored me. And now you tell me you want to try it again? Come on, that’s me being stupid if I say yes. ”

He asked me to think it over, that I didn’t have to answer now, and I told him “What’s in it for me? What do I get out of it by being with you?” he made a joke and said sex, so he never even answered properly because HE didn’t even know what he could offer that I wanted. I told him I wanted communication between us. I wanted to hear from him, I wanted a future. I don’t date someone just to get by for a few months- I date because I assume it’s going to lead somewhere.

I didn’t tell him I’d think about. All I said was if he’d be okay with waiting a week, or even a month, to which he said yes without a flinch. He was extremely amorous that night, more so than ever before, and it was almost overbearing. He said he would work on the communication and he wanted to see more of me. I told him that the hanging out wasn’t a problem- it was the lack of attention during the week, and the hookup on the weekends that bothered me. He had his freedom during the week, but a girlfriend every weekend. I didn’t like that and I told him.  "If it doesn't work out this time, then I'm deleting your number, taking you off of my Facebook. It'll be done for good" I warned him.

We went out for dinner that night and then to see a movie. I felt disconnected, and I don’t know if I’d ever be able to be open with my feelings. I think the only reason why I was considering trying again is because there’s a physical attraction, and also a partial character attraction still. However, I’m scared and I’m afraid of the disappointment my friends would have. He already ended things twice. Third time’s what, the charm? Or stupidity? I can’t let myself be open with my feelings because I think that would make me vulnerable to him.

He came over to my place the following night and spent the night, but I just wasn’t extremely happy. I’m on my guard so much that it’s depressing me. My heart has solidified, and I don’t know if I can feel something for him again because he’s already ended it before. Right now, I don’t feel it. I’m unsure of what to do.

I'm scared. Can you blame me?

So I caved; the emotions and the feelings I held for him were too strong for me to walk away and not give it a chance. So I did what any hopeless romantic would do- I went against what my mind was telling me, and followed my heart and gave us another chance. 

Part III began immediately.

 

Sex after the breakup

Things got hot and heavy very quickly with the IT Pilot, and before we knew it, we were in full thrust, having sex. Well, okay, so we knew what we were doing because obviously before it went any further, we had to stop to get the condom on, but just bear with me while I tell the story.

I could remember telling him that I would miss having him, that I would miss the sex, and his scent. (Weird? Oh well, it's the pheromones)

To this day, it's the most memorable sex session I've ever had because of how caught up in the moment we both were and how unplanned the entire thing had been.

Once we both orgasmed, we just sort of looked at each other and he asked "what now?"
"Nothing now, you're still set in your ways" I responded.
"Well that was weird. I've never broken up with someone and has sex with them right afterward" he said.
"Me either" I confirmed.

We continued talking and he told me that he didn't know what he wanted. He had met me "at the wrong time", but knew that there "wasn't enough between us", and didn't I see it too that it "wasn't going to work out?"

Ozzie tried to reassure me that I was better off. I needed someone who thought of me and made an effort to contact me and respond to me, not some guy that was gradually trying to distance himself instead of telling me how he really felt. "That's being a pussy" he said.

The IT Pilot was out of the picture again, and I could say I somewhat felt better at that exact moment. I knew he was gone for good, out of my emotional life. Maybe I just needed one last round of sex for closure to move on.

All things have an end

Things with the IT Pilot went from quiet to boring within a matter of weeks. It had turned into a weekend relationship, with hardly any contact from him during the week, except for the occasional "hey how's your day going?" text.

It was getting to the point where we didn't know what the other was doing during the week because we never talked. I wanted to be a good girlfriend. I wanted to be the ideal girlfriend; the one he would say "look what she does for me; look how different she is." I tried to limit his stress because I knew how demanding his job was, but I didnt want just ONE check in per day.

I was afraid to admit that I was sacrificing my own happiness to make him happy, and that terrified me.

A few weeks later, his best friend, wife and son came into town to stay with him for a couple of days before their apartment was ready. The IT pilot had hired his friend from Alabama to come on board at his company as an IT technician. They showed up late on a Saturday and while they stayed out in the living room, I secluded myself in his bedroom barely making a peep.

In retrospect, I admit that it was the most immature thing to do, not hanging out with his friends, but their son did nothing but throw hissy fits and cry every five minutes. His friend was incredibly strict and would nip him in the butt, and this would turn my stomach into knots. I felt very uncomfortable. The IT Pilot was upset with me, but never admitted it. I wrote him an email apologizing for my behavior (because that's what grown ups do) and he mentioned that he wished I would have been more welcoming the weekend of their arrival.

The days following, I didn't hear from him, and my worst fear came into realization- it was probably doomed to end. Again. For the same reason. But a reason that I didn't know.

Losing a friend

It happens every so often; you gain a friend, you lose a friend, but I've always found frienship breakups to be somewhat awkward. Is it just as easy to walk away?

I "met" Wes on a POF (single's website) almost two years ago, when I began my foray into the dating scene. He was the first person I spoke to, and because of that, developed an attachment to him. However, we never actually met in person; he was too different for me: too rough, vulgar and different from what I physically liked. I hardly talked to him during the year, and we'd reconnect every once in a while for a few weeks, and trail apart soon after. We just didn't have anything in common.

During the summer, we began talking again as I found myself single and openly searching for my next challenge. I soon found out however that he had moved away to Minnesota and was currently undergoing a harsh breakup with a girl he loved. Somewhere along the way, he finally called me and we spoke on the phone for the very first time. It was an instant connection we shared, one based on friendship.

Over the months, we talked online more often, but never on the phone. He had started school again and kept himself very occupied but always found the time to talk to me. We vaguely touched on each other's feelings, but he made it an open promise to meet up when he came back to Houston.

On Christmas Eve, Wes messaged me on Aim saying he needed to talk to someone. He'd been agonizing over the death of his brother 9 years back and couldn't stop blaming himself for what had happened. His brother was in the USMC and was killed in Iraq. He opened up about losing over 35 people in the last 8 years and couldn't bring himself to lose any more, hence why he'd kept me at such a distance all this time.

"I'd rather not know then know and lose [someone]" he said.

I could tell he was hurting, and I tried so hard to help, but I couldn't possibly fathom what he'd experienced. I couldn't put myself in his place. The more I tried, the more he pushed me away, telling me to walk away while I still could. He said he couldn't be helped, and that ever since he'd been out of the military himself, couldn't stop dwelling on his losses and fighting his own demons.

So I cracked. I gave up.

Ren: You want me to walk away from you?
Wes: It'd be best for you to be honest.
Ren: I'm hurt. But if you want me to do that for you,
Wes: Doesn't matter about me Ren....
Ren: There's not much else I can do
Wes: Save yourself while you can.

I felt a lump in my throat, rejected, and my heart actually hurt from losing someone again, even if it wasn't romantic. I shed a few tears, and thought hard about the decision I'd made.

I feel that perhaps I gave up too easily; maybe the alcohol got to him, and he was talking nonsense. Either way, I deleted him from Facebook and Aim as well that night and we haven't spoken since then.

Did I do the right thing?

An apology 4 years later

It's been 4 years since I broke up with one of the greatest loves of my life- the person who I planned to marry, the person I never doubted, and the only person who treated me like a queen. His name was (still is) Josh.

That 4-year relationship came to a screeching halt when I moved with my family from California to Texas. It was a deafening wake-up call from fantasy, one that left me single for 2.5 years (until I met Sebastian) and has made me depressed ever since.

ANywAy......

Once we broke up, we never saw eye to eye on things, and while we were both hurt and angry at each other, we proceeded to alienate ourselves from one another and never be on speaking terms again. A year later, I called him to ask for money that he owed me, hoping he would somehow be able to pay me back. He promised that he would, but never did. The following year, in 2008, Hurricane Ike hit Houston, and while the rest of the country was watching the news, Josh wrote to me and asked if I was okay. We tried to make peace, but things were still painful for me and we eventually became bitter and angry at each other again. That was the last I heard of him.

Until this week......

It's Monday morning, and I'm checking my phone and see a notification on my Facebook.
I have a new message and it doesn't hit me until I read the sender's name.
Him.

"I really need to apologize for everything that ever happened.  I've been dwelling a lot lately about getting older, and growing up in general. I blamed you for the shit that happened between us for a long time, and it's taken me a while-- but I realize that I share blame in what happened between you and I. I was immature and young, and while I'll never condone the way you treated me, I instigated and forced upon you issues that you never should have dealt with.  What we both did to one another wasn't fair in the slightest, and I apologize for the stupid shit I put you through. 

Sorry to bother you. I know it's been forever, but I had to get it off my chest."

I was surprised and confused. I don't think he ever did anything remotely as bad as I did to him. Still, I couldn't help but wonder why he was coming back so many years later with an apology that he really didn't need to make.

I responded the following afternoon:

"You never did anything wrong. If anything, the only wrong thing you did was caring too much for someone who didn't deserve it..... I learned to understand that I was immature and irresponsible to have been in that relationship. I'm sure things worked out for the best and I'm glad you can finally put this behind you and move on, although, I quite honestly thought you had already."

He went on to say that looking back, he'd realized that he'd forced me to be with him (though I don't consider it so) and because he was unable to control his emotions, he put my family and I through some trying situations. He continued saying that he thought he was over it too, but some things had happened that were a consequence of what had happened between us two in the past, though indirectly. Frankly, it made me curious, because I really don't know how someone can still harbor "grudges" or "sentiments" for something that happened so long ago- especially since he is still with the same girlfriend, 4 years later.

"As far as if it worked out for the best: It's had some good things come out of it, and some bad."

Regardless of the vague statements he expressed, I still thanked him for the apology. I knew him well enough then to know that he is probably feeling depressed now; Possibly because of how his life turned out. I don't know, I'm only guessing.

Knowing you've moved on

It's been March.... September- wow, over 6 months since Sebastian and I broke up and I'm finally learning to move on . As you may recall, he and I were together for a very unstable year, when he all of a sudden decided to pull the plug for the second time. I admit that the second breakup didn't hurt as much as the first, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was evident we weren't going to be together much longer.

I knew it from the beginning, but I was too weak to break off on my own, regardless of how many flags I saw going up. I might as well have been driving go-karts with all those warning signs.

I spent the next two months alone, grieving privately, finishing up with my semester at school and adjusting into my new job at the adoption agency. And when summer hit, I decided to go on a dating rampage. I dated left and right and had a very good time. I met a few guys who didn't really woo me the way I wanted to be courted. And during all those sexcapades escapades, I often thought back to Sebastian and how much of a gentleman he had been, and all the wonderful things he had done for me. I kept comparing each guy to him, wondering when my perfect man would come by.

Sebastian and I never talked on the phone or saw each other again after we said our goodbyes 2 weeks after the breakup, and I figured it would be easier if I decided to block all means of communication between us; I hid his status updates on Facebook, and never once lingered back to his page. I did realize however that he had met someone when he was no longer active on Plenty of Fish, and his profile status said that he had met somebody new. 

When I finally admitted to myself that I had reached the point of no return with Sebastian, meaning that I would not consider ever being with him again, I went back to his Facebook to take a peek.
Not much had changed in his world, but one thing was clear: his relationship status. He'd been dating a girl a month after we'd broken up.

He surely moved on fast.

But wait, he started dating me 3 months after he'd moved out of the house he shared with his wife, so I guess it was normal for him to move fast.

I saw a picture of them together, and I have to say I was not impressed. At all. You know how you always hope that the next person be ugly? She was a plain Jane. I'd been breaking myself for 5 months thinking he was dating a hottie- when I could of saved myself so much hassle had I known what she looked like......

I think it made it easier to accept things because a) she wasn't that cute, and b) because I was excited about J.

If the opportunity arose, I'd feel comfortable talking to Sebastian, just to catch up. But I'd much rather spend my time with J than conjuring up old memories.

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

Don't think about him!

They say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone new.

Personally, that doesn't work for me. I tried it once, and my mind was still connected to the past, so I stopped it from going anywhere. If my heart's not in it, I'm not going to move on with a new person. I'm just going to mess around with them. No pun intended.... or not......

For me, it's better to disconnect myself completely. Emotionally, physically and technologically as well.

Getting away from Facebook and holding myself back from calling Sebastian is probably one of the most effective ways to separate myself from him. If I don't see what he's doing, then I simply don't think about him. I haven't ventured into the world yet because I know I'm not ready, but I'm a bit excited for that day to come.

Today I went in for a testing session that the Kids's Center needed me to complete prior to my second interview tomorrow. I went into a staffing firm that tested me for my proficiency with Excel 2003. Pfft. Old school. There were 30 questions, and it consisted of working with a sample spreadsheet giving me directions on completing simple tasks like sums, averages, fixing margins, adding new cells, bolding, changing font, etc. I felt pretty confident even though there were a few questions that I'd never encountered before. However, I was able to handle the gist of it, and I'm sure my interviewer will see that I know how to work with Excel.

I called my interviewer to confirm my appointment for tomorrow, and he told me to come in a little bit earlier to review the load of questions he'd asked last week before meeting with his boss, the CFO. He had told me last week that she wasn't the one to give the final word on the hiring process (that was up to HR after they'd review his recommendations) but he wanted potential candidates to meet with her to get to know each other. That sounds promising right?

So here's to tomorrow. I hope I nail this job. I need something new.

Things are tough!

The week has continued with more ups and downs. I've broken down more than once.

The interview on Monday with the kid's center went by great however! It actually lasted close to 3 hours. I'm not kidding. There were a lot of psychological questions which really didn't tie in with the job description itself. A lot of "how do you deal with kids", "explain a difficult or frustrating time you've experienced with a child"; "what is your favorite age group" and etc.

I also met up with the AP manager who asked me a handful of questions too, and a maintenance technician as well. They were all very upbeat, but 3 hours for an interview was slowly starting to burn me out. The main person sounded very optimistic about my session and kept giving me high hopes and throwing hints here and there that they would be calling me back for a second interview. He told that he would be calling me middle of next week with a yes or a no. On Thursday, he called me to schedule a second interview on Tuesday to meet with the CFO and asked if I wouldn't mind coming in for a computer literacy exam.  They are very picky. During the first interview, they made me sign off three different release waivers for permission to contact any entity from my past in order to do background checks. I felt completely vulnerable, as if they could find something bad about me that could impede me from getting hired. (I do have a clean background by the way)

On Wednesday, over 2 weeks since my breakup from Sebastian, I caved. I noticed on his facebook that he was home sick and called him. We stayed on the phone for almost 2 hours, just talking about each other, us and things that had been going on.

"I noticed you'd gone back on Plenty of Fish" he said.

"Yeah, I did, but my profile is kept private" I told him.

"Yeah, I saw your updated profile and the part that your profile is private. 'If you can see me it's probably because I added you as a favorite' and you saying you're not ready to date" he commented

"Yes. You're probably a favorite still from the last time" I told him.

"Don't worry, in a few months, you'll be ready to date again" he offered.

"I hope so." I told him.

We hung up and then, couldn't hold myself back any more- I decided to drive up to see him. As I pulled into his apartment complex, I called him and asked him if I could come up.  He sighed and said "I don't think it's a good idea." Silence. "Where are you?" he asked.

"I'm pulling into your parking lot." I answered. He sighed again "Alright, fine. Come on up."

As I walked in, he greeted me with a grin saying "Ren, Ren. What are you doing here?"

"I was bored" I said.

I stayed for a couple of hours until it got late and he said "I don't want to kick you out and it's not like you can stay here."

I never once kissed him on the lips, but he kissed on the cheeks and forehead as he tried to comfort me. There was a lot of hugging, making it more difficult to let go. At one point, he got an erection which I didn't realize until he told me. "Sorry. It's just, been a long time" he said. I tried to suggest to do it one last time until he told me "It's not a good idea. I don't want to fall back into the same habit we did the last time around. It will never be over."

"No. We wouldn't" I told him.

"It would just make it harder for you to move on. We shouldn't." he said.

I know.....

"And it's not that I don't want to. Trust me, the proof is right there" he added with a smile.


And then, I realized what a gentleman he had always been with me. From the first time, to the last time, sex had been important and a big deal. He didn't push the first time. He actually backed off because he didn't want to rush into it.

So we didn't. He didn't use me when I was at my weakest point and I respect him for respecting me and our breakup. A lot of other guys would have gone ahead with it and strung the other person along until they were bored, but I've had luck with guys and respect after a breakup. Once it's really over, there's nothing more- the way it should be. I miss him a lot, especially on the days we would meet to hang out. I miss hanging out casually with only plans to hang indoors. It hurts because I am weak and it is still fresh, but I have to accept the fact that it didn't work out and learn to move on. It's not me or him- it's a combination of both.

I saw Sebastian again earlier today as he drove into my area of town to shop at a specialty store. He came to pick up the last of his stuff at my apartment. He finally got his new car, but I didn't even listen to him as he was telling me about the purchase because I didn't really care. I tried to act as if it didn't phase me that he was sitting right on my bed, but my heart was hurting. I tried to keep a conversation but I was still partially angry and hurt. A short while later, he left and we hugged outside in the parking lot as I also left. He turned around one last time and said with a smile "Take care Ren." I waved and said " Bye Seb."

I need laughter. It's the only thing that keeps tears coming down. I want to be happy again.

He had to break my heart

He had to break my heart for me to move on.

I wouldn't have moved on if we'd remained friends because that's what happened last time, and that's how we fell into an open relationship for a few months before committing once again.

It lasted one year exactly, and I noticed how much he changed during the seasons.

It was exciting at first, he wanted to be with me. We talked for 13 hours straight the day before we met. He even blurted the words "marry me!" on our first conversation and gave me the most shocking compliment anyone had ever given me when we first met: "You're beautiful" followed by a smile that made my heart skip a beat.

Then he slowly started breaking my heart with the accidental things he said about his exes and his wandering eyes.......... but against my better judgment, I continued with him.

He broke my heart real bad during the summer- 4 months in. He broke up with me out of the blue. It's true that about a month prior to the breakup, I'd begun feeling very unhappy. He wasn't making me happy because of the things he would say.

I cried hard for a while, but two days later, we saw each other again with the plans to give each other some things we'd left behind. I can't remember how we morphed back together, but it wasn't pleasant 100% of the time.

I remembered crying to him weeks later, still lost and confused as if to whether we would get back together again. I began dating again, but with a lump in my throat- as if I were cheating both sides. I wanted to move on, but I also wanted Sebastian. A couple of months went by, and I decided to commit to Sebastian full time, and we slowly evolved into a real couple without me realizing it. We traveled to Europe together and had a great time back at home also. We joked and laughed non-stop the days we spent together. I was happy, and I knew he was happy with me too.

He was a great partner, and we never fought about anything. We got along great. Every once in a while, I'd open up to him about certain aspects of our relationship, and he'd listen in on my opinions.

But then out of the blue, he ended it. He broke my heart again, and even though he said he wanted to remain friends, I knew deep down I would not be able to put him in my past and get over him if I continued on daily speaking terms. And I believe it's only fair. If you don't want to date me because you don't feel you're meant to be with me, then I don't want to talk to you every night or have sex with you to fulfill your needs.

He told me repeatedly he didn't believe in long term relationships. Not in general- but for himself. 5 years and that was it. I don't believe in marriage necessarily as the solution to "together forever" but I definitely do believe in long term relationships. And with Sebastian, I knew that wasn't possible.

I know he's confused about what he wants. He wants the companionship but in my opinion doesn't want the long term commitment. I sense he'd get bored and move on. He's solitary, and he's okay with that most of the time, but like all men, needs that physical aspect of a relationship. I don't know if he's noticed, but most of the time, you can't have one without the other. Well, technically you can, but my guess is it's unhealthy and sporadic. He's safe with his sex life and not promiscuous. I don't know how long that would last. I guess he'd be okay with year long relationships every year.

In the meantime, I'm taking a break from dating. My heart needs to grieve and heal, and I need to work on myself again before I jump back into the dating scene. I don't want to assert too much self confidence because I'm still fragile to rejection. Sebastian made me into a better person and was a great teacher; I learned so much from him. I can only hope I'm able to keep what I've learned and bring it into the next relationship as effortlessly as I did with him.

The Aftermath

I was scheduled to attend a passion party with my friend at another girlfriend's house. I was actually looking forward to it and having a good time. That was right before Sebastian broke up with me on the same day.

I still attended because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. And I truly thought that spending time with other girls would help keep my mind off of the breakup. I broke down twice, confiding in my friends about the breakup. I had to tell them what had happened because I realized it was the only way to come to terms and accept that it was in fact over. However, I was still very much hurt and the pain was still new that the more I talked about it, more tears rolled down my face.

The next day, Sebastian took the status off of Facebook and my friends came to comfort me when they saw the "single" status change. I was glad that they'd noticed and that I actually had people watching my back. I called my dad in California and told him what had happened and he tried his hardest to comfort me. "You're not the first, and you definitely won't be the last to suffer a breakup" he kindly told me.

I've heard this advice before. It helped before and it will definitely help me again. My mother on the other hand just made things worse. She asked me if it wasn't perhaps my fault again, that I shouldn't have pursued him last time, that I should have let him go, and that if I knew if maybe he didn't have another woman on the side.

I was so hurt that I walked out of the house. My own mother couldn't comfort me, and then I remembered that she hadn't been able to the last time either. When I look at how my parents brought us up, my father has always been the one to give my siblings and I the most affection- kisses, hugs, and enough embraces to annoy us. My mother has taken good care of us, but has been rather cold. I don't remember the last time she actually held me or my sisters. It's always yelling on her part.

Recently, I haven't wanted to think about Sebastian, because the moment I do, I get teary eyed. I'm not ready to date again, but I am in the process of acceptance and moving on. I haven't talked to him, and I know I'm not ready to either. I hate to think about how much time must pass before I'm able to comfortably hold a conversation, because I can sense it could be at least a year. Yesterday, I sent him a text message asking what he wanted to do about the Muse concert ticket he'd bought to go to this week. He told me "Take a friend and have fun :)." I intend to go with my colleague who also bought a ticket months ago.

And as for his clothes, I didn't return it to him this past weekend on my way up to the airport. I didn't want to make the effort.

It's Over

I've been neglecting my blog and with good reason.

I've been avoiding having to write this post for almost one week now, but I think I'm feeling ok enough to update what happened.

Sebastian and I are no longer together, and I know a majority of you saw it coming, or didn't see us as a long term couple. Truth is, I didn't see either. I just kept hoping things would change, as all hopeless romantics do.

Mid-last week, I whispered "I love you" at night while I thought he was asleep. I said it twice to confirm, though I can fully admit that I wasn't really feeling it at that exact moment I said. I think the emotions took control of me and because I was happy, I said those three little words. Truth is, I wanted to say it some time earlier, but didn't have the strength to.

On Saturday, we were supposed to meet up at my apartment so we could go get a shirt exchanged that I had given him for Valentine's Day. He had brought back the things I had asked him for from his place, except it didn't occur to me at the time it was more than what I thought I'd left behind. I joked around and said "Wow, I didn't know I'd left so much stuff" as he just smiled. About 5 minutes later, he sat down on my bed and I quickly joined him and said "Ooh! Story time!"

He paused for a moment and calmly began.

"I've sort of been lying to you about not telling you I was awake when I heard you say what you said to me the other night" he said

My face froze.

"And I don't think I'm ever going to get to that point with you." he added.

"Oh, great" I said sarcastically. "It's happening all over again."

I was mad.

He continued talking and said that although I was a good person, he didn't see us together for the long run.

"This time, I can't say I did anything wrong, because I know I was a good person" I told him.

"I know. You're a great person. But we both know that we're each holding back." he said.

I knew this.

"You can't even recognize when someone good to you is standing right in front of you. I was a good girlfriend Sebastian. How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me?" I asked.

This was my reason for not begging to have him take me back.

I've never begged with Sebastian. We never fought or had breaks. We broke up once last summer, for basically the same reason.

"I can't have children with someone I'm not in love with. It's not fair to them" he said.

I know. I wouldn't either.

"And truth is, I'm scared that I may never have that family that I want. Look at my dad, he's a hermit, and I'm scared that I may end up like him because the problem is with me. I can't seem to make a relationship work" he added.

So at that, I continued crying and slowly felt myself sinking into my bed. I began collecting his clothes that had been left at my apartment and told him "If you happen to find things of mine at your apartment, just get rid of them. I don't want them"

"You don't want me to just drop them off on your door?" he asked.

"No. I don't care for it. Just throw it away. If I find anything else of yours here, I'll do the same" I answered.

"I'm probably not the best person to comfort you right now. You should talk with your friends" he said.

"They will just put you down" I answered.

"That's maybe what you need right now. It's okay with me" he said. "I would offer to continue being friends-" he added.

"But I don't want that right now. Maybe in time..... a long time from now, it can happen, but I don't want to talk as friends" I told him.

And it's true. We tried the friends bit after we broke up the last time- that's how we fell into an open relationship. And that's how I passed up chances with other guys because I was in limbo with Sebastian at the time.

"Don't stay single for too long. Take your time, get over me. Don't worry, you will forget me in a year. Thank you for taking me around the world" he said as he closed the door behind him.

He left quietly that day, and I haven't heard from him since. I've been down in the dumps this past week, and when I think about him and us, my eyes fill with tears- like right now for instance.

I spent the entire week at my mom's because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. When I went back to get more clothes, I sifted through the plastic bag that he had brought back containing my clothes. At the very bottom was his pair of jeans- very noticeable from the tag. "Why is he doing this to me??" I asked out loud. Then I remembered- he did the same thing last time as well. He put one of his shirts in with my clothes, and when we met up to give it back to him, our friendship began.

I can only sense that it was done for the same reason again, except I haven't called him to tell him it's in there. I have to drive by his apartment tomorrow to pick my dad up at the airport, and I want to stop by his place and leave the bag on his doorknob without calling or knocking on the door.

I work much better when I'm in a couple. That's how I was programmed. It's difficult to have to let go of someone and move on to be able to move onto the next person. I want to keep my head up and I'm trying very very hard to keep calm and strong.

He is a great guy, but if it's not meant to be, then I definitely deserve someone else.

I don't think I'm ready to date

As much as I'd like to have someone to share my time with, I know I'm emotionally unstable to even begin a relationship with someone.

I don't see myself with the blue eyed guy.
I'm not attracted to him.
I see him as a friend to spend time with at most.

And all of it is Sebastian's fault.

See, I'm not willing to separate myself from Sebastian because he's in my comfort zone. I know I need to back away, but I'm too weak to let him go. He's always there, it's convenient and he gives me what I need.

Everything, but the emotional attachment that comes from being in a relationship. He won't give that to me.

We spent part of Saturday together when I asked him to come to Ikea with me to pick up my table (which I opted not to buy.) We had dinner and talked and he helped me pick up things for my apartment.

Then on Sunday, I woke up at 9 am, rolled around in my bed for a while, then decided to get up and go see him. I showed up at his place around 11 o'clock, and we just sat around, until he got a bug in his ass to go out and have a picnic. We went to Central Market on Westheimer and picked up salami (which wasn't too good) and brie (which was disgusting)(and I should know better- I'm French!), strawberries (good deal, $1.50 pk) sourdough baguette (not my favorite) and another type of sourdough bread, just not as sour.

We went to Memorial Park for the first time, where we had a relaxed 25 minutes before the ants started crawling on us and biting. Then we went to Phoenicia to check out their selection of salami. We've been looking for the good salami- the hard, not chewy and juicy kind- to no avail. I can't remember which kind we bought last. It's unnerving!!

Then we went back to his place and watched Weeds, got drunk (me, not him) and took care of business. 3 times. After the third time (or was it the second....?) it hit me again. The separation, and the comprehension that we weren't together, and would never be together.
He had made a comment early on in the day which had made me bitter. Then later that night, he had mentioned one of his exes again. "I should have married my Japanese ex. We'd still be together. Probably for good. "

We're not that type of friends to share those things.

I can't stand it. It shortens my breath, stings my eyes and hurts my heart to hear him say that. I'm right there still! So while I was still inebriated, I let what was really on my mind out. And it hurt. I told him he had been a man for ending our relationship, but not quite strong enough to put an end to it completely and let me grieve. I couldn't move on because he was still there. And I didn't want to move on because he was still there. I said I would be the one who'd be hurt in the end because what we had now was convenient for him. He was getting what he wanted, yet could still claim his single life. And I cautioned him that I'd be so angry when he'd move onto someone else because he claimed to not be ready to date me or anyone.

Then something hit me.

I had been too nice. I had made things too easy. It hadn't occurred to me that men want a challenge, or else they quickly lose interest. And that was what I had done. After my last boyfriend, I had changed. I had become very nice and attentive. I had become all the things that he wanted me to be but was to stubborn to do. And I had given Sebastian all of that when he didn't deserve it.

I have recently noticed that if I ignore Sebastian or become distant, he cuddles up with me and becomes even more amorous. If I don't give him attention, he comes looking for it. I noticed that I had to be a little tough with him as well to make it more interesting. And I never picked up on that. I was too busy being overly nice, and in the end, I was dumped.

I feel sorry for the next guy- cause I'm going to be a bitch to him.

It's a vicious cycle.