We've got a Stage 5 Clinger!

Yep, that would be me.

Definition: A member of the opposite sex that is likely to become overly attached, overly fast; in reference to: virgins, those on the rebound, and the emotionally fragile.

Ok, so I don't technically hound J with calls or texts; I call him during my lunch break and catch up for a few minutes, and he'll call me later on in the evening while he's on a call for work. But lately, it hasn't happened. So much that in the past 2 business weeks, we've hardly really talked.

J appologized last week for being so out of touch; he'd been having a stressful time at work and wanted to crash as soon as he got home in the evenings. I was considerate of his ability to come forward and be open about what was going on with him, telling him "It's good that you told me. I tend to think of the worst when I don't hear back from you."

Last weekend, J invited me out to go to an Astros game along with a few of his friends. We hardly talked, and I noticed there was some pent up tension between us resulting from the previous night. He thought I was mad about something, but I really wasn't, and turns out he didn't really believe it. Later on, we went to a bar with his friends to celebrate a birthday, and it wasn't until I had enough alcohol in me that I began to feel comfortable. We drove back to his place later that night and quickly fell asleep. The next morning, we went out for his groceries, and later that afternoon, I went back to my friends for a bbq; he was having a bbq at his place after I'd told him of my plans.

During the week, I continued calling him during my lunch breaks, each time getting his voicemail. I didn't make an effort to ask to spend the night at his place because I knew he'd be getting ready for a trip out to Florida this weekend and didn't want to get in the way. We talked a couple of times during the week, and yesterday before work, I sent him the following text:

Ren: 7:00am: I can't help but think that something's wrong. You hardly call, you hardly write.... How do you feel?

A few hours later, probably after he awoke, I received:

J: 9:54 am: Nothing is wrong... I guess I didn't realize it but I'm losing steam.

.... um... ok.... WTF?

I was confused. I'd never heard that expression before, and I was completely lost as to the hidden meaning behind it. I thought about it for most of the day and asked my coworkers what they could make of it. I called him when I got off work, but surprise, got his voicemail. Once I got home, I texted back

Ren: 5:53 pm: Losing steam? What does that mean?

I never got an answer or a call back. I was really pissed off.

I deserve an answer damnit! Don't be a coward and ignore my messages. Technology is everywhere. Even if your phone is dead, facebook me. For the next few hours, I glanced back at facebook to see if he'd updated something on his end; between last night and this afternoon, he did. So he just flat out ignored me.

I hate the dreaded 2-week period. Things take off great; it's exciting, we talk a lot and want to hang out, but as soon as the 3rd week rolls around, things fall flat and I get faded out. It has happened without fail the last 3 times. I want to blame myself for it, I mean, the odds are against me, but I can't blame myself for what I truly want. I want someone who wants to spend most of their available time with me, because I want to do the same.

As soon as I didn't get a response within appropriate time from J, things started heating up with Matt. He's only temporary, but who says I can't have twinkies too?

Knowing you've moved on

It's been March.... September- wow, over 6 months since Sebastian and I broke up and I'm finally learning to move on . As you may recall, he and I were together for a very unstable year, when he all of a sudden decided to pull the plug for the second time. I admit that the second breakup didn't hurt as much as the first, but I'd be lying if I didn't say it was evident we weren't going to be together much longer.

I knew it from the beginning, but I was too weak to break off on my own, regardless of how many flags I saw going up. I might as well have been driving go-karts with all those warning signs.

I spent the next two months alone, grieving privately, finishing up with my semester at school and adjusting into my new job at the adoption agency. And when summer hit, I decided to go on a dating rampage. I dated left and right and had a very good time. I met a few guys who didn't really woo me the way I wanted to be courted. And during all those sexcapades escapades, I often thought back to Sebastian and how much of a gentleman he had been, and all the wonderful things he had done for me. I kept comparing each guy to him, wondering when my perfect man would come by.

Sebastian and I never talked on the phone or saw each other again after we said our goodbyes 2 weeks after the breakup, and I figured it would be easier if I decided to block all means of communication between us; I hid his status updates on Facebook, and never once lingered back to his page. I did realize however that he had met someone when he was no longer active on Plenty of Fish, and his profile status said that he had met somebody new. 

When I finally admitted to myself that I had reached the point of no return with Sebastian, meaning that I would not consider ever being with him again, I went back to his Facebook to take a peek.
Not much had changed in his world, but one thing was clear: his relationship status. He'd been dating a girl a month after we'd broken up.

He surely moved on fast.

But wait, he started dating me 3 months after he'd moved out of the house he shared with his wife, so I guess it was normal for him to move fast.

I saw a picture of them together, and I have to say I was not impressed. At all. You know how you always hope that the next person be ugly? She was a plain Jane. I'd been breaking myself for 5 months thinking he was dating a hottie- when I could of saved myself so much hassle had I known what she looked like......

I think it made it easier to accept things because a) she wasn't that cute, and b) because I was excited about J.

If the opportunity arose, I'd feel comfortable talking to Sebastian, just to catch up. But I'd much rather spend my time with J than conjuring up old memories.

I have HSV-1

I neglected writing and for good reason.  Cowardness and fear.

I've been putting this off for almost a week because I was only considering writing when I got my results.  And now that I have them, it's time to be honest and open.

A couple of weeks ago, I started talking to a new guy who messaged me online: "J". He seemed too good to be true- blue-eyed, attractive and witty. He wanted to meet right away but I told him I wanted to see how the week went by first over the phone before setting anything up. Throughout the week, we texted and talked some more, and it was obvious that we were getting along very well. I told him about RHPS and he was sold on the idea, so for our first date, we agreed to go to the Riveroaks Theatre at midnight to catch The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

He came to pick me up at my place near 11:30, after I'd gotten home from my friend's birthday party. Tipsy and jittery from drinking Jägerbombs and Red Bull, I nervously greeted him at his car where he proceeded to hand over leftover brisket he'd made that day for his friend's birthday party.

First meeting and already cooking? This is great.

I'll admit I was extremely nervous, and I'm sure the Red Bull only made it worse, but I didn't exactly feel the instant connection the moment I met him. He looked exactly like his pictures, so I don't know why I wasn't completely sold. However, we got through the night and afterwards went to a 24-hour diner and had something to eat. He took me back home around 3:30am where we shared our first kiss.

I remember not feeling up to meeting him again, but decided to let go of my fears and see him again the following day. I'm glad I did.

The next day, we went to the museum district where there was a mini-Oktober Fest going on. We bared through the extreme heat and sat near the reflecting pool and talked for a while before realizing we were sweating buckets when no breeze was coming through. We later left to go get dinner and headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. We spent the rest of the evening talking and really getting to know each other. And that's when I realized this was different.

Things with Matt and Nate had always been left in the air. "We'll play it by ear" said Nate; "School's very important for me" said Matt. With J, I could feel I was getting validation and that we were both looking for the same thing: a relationship. Although his lack of experience in the relationship department put me on my guard, I felt like I was getting real answers.

J and I hung out again the following week and had a great time. J spent the night and that's when it happened. I felt a little bump on my lower lip, slowly start to grow. This is weird. I wonder what it is. When the bump didn't go away overnight, I checked it in the morning and felt my heart began to race. I told J "I need to talk to you. Have you ever had a cold sore?" J's eyes widened and he stopped dead in his tracks.

"No, why?"
"Because I feel something on my lip, and I don't know what it is." I told him
"Let me see" he asked as I showed him my lower lip.

"That doesn't look like a cold sore. Cold sores are supposed to be clear and with puss. Yours doesn't look anything like that" he reassured me. "Well how do you know if you've never gotten one?" I asked him. "Cause I've seen pictures" he told me.

Out of precaution, I didn't kiss him as we parted ways that morning. He checked up on me a few times later during the day, asking how I was feeling and if my symptoms had changed. On my way out of work, I told him the truth and told him that it had grown more and was starting to form a fluid-like blister underneath, white/clear/yellow in color. I told him I was on my way to the clinic to get tested that evening. He continued reassuring me over and over, and told me not to get stressed as it could bring on more problems.

I was scared. What does this mean? Is this a deal breaker? How did this happen? Who gave it to me? So many questions were flying through my mind, leaving me hopeless and confused. I waited nearly an hour to be seen by the doctor who said "Yep, it most likely is a cold sore. We can get you tested if you want, but it's not necessary, and it's kind of expensive" she said. "That's fine. I'd rather know now for sure. How much?" I asked. "$90" the assistant said. "And that's for both 1 and 2 [HSV]?" I asked. "Yes" she answered.

I had already tested three weeks prior for the full STD pannel when I'd mysteriously gotten sick, except the doctor who checked me saw "no need to test for herpes since there are no symptoms and so many people have it. Will knowing you have it change anything?" she said.  I didn't know she hadn't tested me for HSV-1/2 until I got the results in the mail the following week. When they tell you "everything came back normal" over the phone, it only matters on what they actually tested you for. Apparently in my case, it wasn't EVERYTHING, and I'll never know if I already had it before I met J.

Throughout the waiting period, J kept reassuring me and comforting me that having oral herpes would not be a deal breaker. "I can tell this is bothering you and affecting how you feel because you're not calling as much. It's ok. So many people have it. There's a good chance I have it too, but have never had an outbreak."

We continued seeing each other and hanging out, but not kissing. The blister slowly started receding while I used Abreva for the days after my visit at the clinic. On Tuesday, I called out sick from work after feeling incredibly sore and called the clinic for my results. "The doctor noted on your lab that the test for HSV-1 came back positive." "So it's oral herpes then" I said. "Yes," the assistant said, "but you shouldn't worry too much about it. About 80% of Americans have it."

Upon hearing the news, I immediately called J to share the results. "I tested positive for HSV-1" and broke down in tears. J felt hopeless and tried to comfort me as much as he could over the phone. "I'm sorry. I wish I was there to help you feel better. Please don't be upset. It's going to be ok. It's not so serious."

At the moment, I felt fear, anger, weakness and most of all, shame. "I took care of myself for 25 years. I had a pretty good run" I told him. "It's okay, you just need to take care of yourself now and be more careful with your health. Don't get stressed, keep your immune system in check so you can prevent future breakouts. I really didn't want you to think that this would be a deal breaker because I noticed how quieter you had gotten over the last few days" he said.

After getting off the phone, I felt a great moment of relief. I'd finally let it off my chest, and I slowly started putting the worry away. I talked to Nate about it who immediately freaked out (just as I had) and went to get tested the following day. His results had been negative on his last visit as well, so I'm waiting on him to see if he has it or not; but at this point, the issue is rather moot. I could have caught it from him, Matt, Jordan or any cup I'd sipped from, though unlikely.

I confided in BEG who had also admitted to having the virus to me last year, but never having a cold sore. The more we talked, the more he reassured me and eased my mind and fears. "Welcome to the 80%" he said, "and don't worry about that one guy [Nate.] Fuck him for being ignorant on the matter."

Later that night, I called my mom and told her the news. "Herpes on which lips?" she said, and we both started laughing. "Be careful cause you can get them down there too!" she said. I have to say that I was happy to open up to my mom. She reminded me that she had  herpes, though in her case, it affects her chin, and hadn't had a breakout in almost ten years before she had one this past summer. [Heat triggers her breakout] "It's something you'll have for the rest of your life, but it's not something to get too worked up about" she said.

Though I'm not thrilled by the result, and the stigma that comes from it, I feel better about it today than I did last week or last year. It's not an STD. It's an unfortunate virus I got from sharing spit with someone who probably didn't know they had it at the time either. I'm done trying to put the blame on someone, and I'm hoping people will learn to be open about it and get rid of that ignorance. Chances are your favorite actor has oral herpes cause of all that smooching for the silver screen.

J came to see me yesterday and took me out during my lunch hour. I felt better and happier to know that he was still there. I couldn't help but smile when he said "So when do I get to kiss you again?"