Monday, January 11, 2010

Confused while under the influence

This weekend was both horrible and good at the same time.

Horrible in the sense that I was sick as a dog with a urinary tract infection and a cold; Good because Sebastian took great care of me as we "bonded."

My parents were on their way back from California, but I was in no mood to spend time with them. Instead, I asked Sebastian if he could make me some chicken soup because I knew I’d feel better the moment I ate it. So I went to his place on Friday night after I did the grocery shopping and he spent about 3 hours preparing the chicken noodle soup- boiling the chicken, making the broth, and preparing the noodles. I quietly watched him prepare it, paying close attention to the preparation process so that I could one day make it myself. We slurped the soup with much gusto, as I quietly felt my worries melting away.

He got on Facebook to check updates when he mentioned “You know, we never changed our status back to ‘In a relationship.’ It still says ‘Single.’”

My eyes opened up in amazement with a mouth full of noodles.

Oh my god….. he finally realized it!

I tried to keep my cool and said “Yeah, you’re right.”

“I think we should change that,” he added.

That’s great! Yes! We should! Finally! I’m tired of seeing SINGLE on HIS profile. But what did I do? Did I change the status?

“Hmmm, yeah,” I answered nonchalantly.

Nope. Missed it again.

[Sighs] Next time. I still want HIM to initiate the move.

The following day, Sebastian used the chicken to make enchiladas. Seeing as to how he had unselfishly prepared the chicken soup, I took it upon myself to shred the chicken- which took more than an hour. As I was shredding, my mind slowly started wandering to the status of our relationship.

How were we doing? Should I open up more? Should I tell him what’s bugging me? Should I bring up the positivity?

The previous night, I had spent more than an hour on the phone with one of my best friends. I had told her that I was having doubts about my relationship with Sebastian in pretty much the same way as the first time around. Then I told her what my other friend had said to me: “She said I was too negative. Do you think that could affect the way he feels about me? Am I putting too much pessimistic vibes in our relationship?”

“Probably. You need to be happy with yourself first. If he sees that you’re not happy, then he’s going to ultimately think ‘Why should I be happy with her if she’s not happy with herself?’ ” she commented.

Deep. It makes sense.

“Ok then. I know that I have to keep fighting to be positive then” I told her.

A while later, under the influence, I took a break from chicken shredding and Sebastian took over. He normally gets more hyper whereas I get relaxed, so I let him talk his head off. Shortly after, he said “I like the girl who’s crazy and mentally unstable. I think it has a lot to do with who I was raised by, my mother being crazy. You know what I mean?”

“Uh yeah. You generally tend to look for, if not prefer, a partner that is similar to your parent” I stated.

“Yes, that’s right. That’s what I'm looking for in a girl: a bit crazy, even though I know it won’t work. That’s what I’m attracted to.”

Even though I was inebriated, I heard and understood every word he said.

“Sebastian, I don’t understand why you always talk about the girl you’re looking for, as in referencing the next girl you’re going to date, when I’m right here” I bluntly pointed out.

“No no, I think you misunderstand me” he tried to say.

“Uh, no. I think I hear it quite simply. You’re always talking about dating, as in the future; after me. I don’t get it. I’m right here.”

“No Ren, that’s not it. I’m only speaking from experience; Who I’ve always been with. Did you see it work out with the others? No. So I know it may seem as if I’m looking for the next thing, but no, that’s not what I mean when I say it.”

It got me even more confused by the way he explained it that I just dropped the subject. Somehow, a while later, I tried to understand what he was trying to clarify, and turned out that he mentioned what he wanted in a girl from what he had previously experienced.

It made more sense. That’s as if I were saying “I want a guy who’s outgoing and exciting,” when Sebastian clearly isn’t the outgoing type. He’s the hermit. But that’s not to say I’m actively looking for the next catch. Sebastian balances himself out. He’s got Pros and Cons- way more Pros than Cons, therefore allowing the chance to offset those qualities I’m not particularly fond of.

I know relationships aren’t 100% perfect. There’s an imperfect balance.

For the rest of the weekend, Sebastian continued to be more caring and still upbeat for me. We didn’t go out, which didn’t bother me too much as it was in the low 40s all weekend long. However, I noticed him smile often, and laugh a whole lot more. It felt nice.

"I'm surprised you can laugh at the silly things I say. Sometimes they're not even that funny but dumb" he mentioned.

"So are you saying I'm dumb for laughing at the things you say?" I asked.

"No. Just that I'm glad we can laugh at just about anything together. It's fun" he added.

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