Wednesday, January 6, 2010

I need a change

What do you do when your friends and boyfriend don’t like each other?

I never thought I’d come to see the day. However, in time, I’ve come to understand that while their opinions are important, I think they have an interest in my well being.

Live for yourself. Be happy. I try to do that. I’m actually very selfish now. I lived for my parents far too long and right now….. I just don’t care what they think. It’s a lot easier now that I’m not living under their roof, so it’s not as if they can continue controlling me or influencing me on things that won’t make me personally happy.

Luckily, they approve of Sebastian…. But it’s only because I don’t mention him much….. or the negative aspect of the relationship.

My friends and Sebastian on the other hand…… they hear it all.

Sometimes I wonder if they really do have my best interest at heart, or if they’re jealous that I’m with someone and having fun, but I’m not conceited enough to think that.

About a month before Sebastian broke up with me the first time, I was sad; in the dumps. I wasn’t happy at all, and it was all because of him. He wasn’t making me happy. There weren’t strong enough emotions to put my walls down….. and I protected myself far too much. I was overly pessimistic that it wouldn’t last long, but I was too selfish to end it myself. I wanted someone to spend time with. I wanted the companionship, and truth is…. He wanted it too.

My friend told me to get out. If I wasn’t happy, why continue?

“He’s a good guy” I said.

“But you’re not happy” she countered.

“I know. You’re right. Maybe time will change things” I hoped.

The day they met him, something happened. I found out something that hurt me. It involved his cell, his ex-wife and text messages. You get the idea.

My friends were very mad. Even though he was all smiles and fun with the group, the girls slowly distanced themselves from him and let me make my own decision.

I continued with him because we had only been dating 2 weeks, and the text messages were just a couple of days into our dating; but my friends never really got over it. They blocked him from that day.

My other friend didn’t approve of him either. She only met him once. And it only took one time to judge him (in addition to me talking about my insecurities). Recently, she confessed that I could do so much better. He was too “arrogant” and carried a big ego.

“I know. He told me. He has very high self esteem, and mine is very low. We know this about each other, and it does a number on me,” I admitted.

Thing is, Sebastian doesn’t like her either. He considers her self-involved and conceited.

I understand them both. I’m at fault. I speak about them to the other…. And most times, it tends to be negative because that’s the only time I’ll really share about my friends…….. when things are going bad between us.

I’m a bad person.

I’m embarrassed to bring them together; there’s tension in the air.

My coworker doesn’t say anything, but I can read it in his eyes. He doesn’t approve either, but he respects my relationship. I can sense him thinking “You made the wrong choice by going back together. I watched you cry. I saw you hurt. You don’t deserve him.”

After speaking to my friend, I recognized that because I have such low self esteem, I don’t speak up. I’m concentrated on the negative so as to not be disappointed by the outcome. I’m disappointed by the way I look, and I hang my head low.

The time has come to change things. I need to explore more, accomplish things for myself, and climb out of this box. Put the fear away, not care about what people think, and build thicker skin.

That, and continue with college this semester. School is the only thing that ever made me truly happy. Stressed and anxious, but proud of myself, and very very happy.


  1. Not that you know me or anything (gotta love cyber space) but if you would like my opinion... I had the same problem once too. I realized that whenever I was talking about my boyfriend to my friends... it was always the crappy negative parts of our relationship. I completely left out the little (but still significant) loving things he did. Or how he knew how to make me smile after a bad day at school/work. Balance is important in any relationship, and no man is so perfect that he will never make you cry. That's life. Its about making sure that you balance the good with the bad... both in your actual relationship and in what you tell your friends.

  2. The sooner you (women) realize that time doesn't change anything except your body, the better off you'll be. If you're not happy with your man today, you won't be happy in 2 years...cut your losses now and live to tell about it.

    If your boyfriend doesn't like your friends, there's usually a good reason for it. If your friends don't like your boyfriend, it could be an honest reason or 100 other imagined's up to you to figure out which of your friends has your best interest ahead of her own lonely jealousy.