I've been neglecting my blog and with good reason.
I've been avoiding having to write this post for almost one week now, but I think I'm feeling ok enough to update what happened.
Sebastian and I are no longer together, and I know a majority of you saw it coming, or didn't see us as a long term couple. Truth is, I didn't see either. I just kept hoping things would change, as all hopeless romantics do.
Mid-last week, I whispered "I love you" at night while I thought he was asleep. I said it twice to confirm, though I can fully admit that I wasn't really feeling it at that exact moment I said. I think the emotions took control of me and because I was happy, I said those three little words. Truth is, I wanted to say it some time earlier, but didn't have the strength to.
On Saturday, we were supposed to meet up at my apartment so we could go get a shirt exchanged that I had given him for Valentine's Day. He had brought back the things I had asked him for from his place, except it didn't occur to me at the time it was more than what I thought I'd left behind. I joked around and said "Wow, I didn't know I'd left so much stuff" as he just smiled. About 5 minutes later, he sat down on my bed and I quickly joined him and said "Ooh! Story time!"
He paused for a moment and calmly began.
"I've sort of been lying to you about not telling you I was awake when I heard you say what you said to me the other night" he said
My face froze.
"And I don't think I'm ever going to get to that point with you." he added.
"Oh, great" I said sarcastically. "It's happening all over again."
I was mad.
He continued talking and said that although I was a good person, he didn't see us together for the long run.
"This time, I can't say I did anything wrong, because I know I was a good person" I told him.
"I know. You're a great person. But we both know that we're each holding back." he said.
I knew this.
"You can't even recognize when someone good to you is standing right in front of you. I was a good girlfriend Sebastian. How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me?" I asked.
This was my reason for not begging to have him take me back.
I've never begged with Sebastian. We never fought or had breaks. We broke up once last summer, for basically the same reason.
"I can't have children with someone I'm not in love with. It's not fair to them" he said.
I know. I wouldn't either.
"And truth is, I'm scared that I may never have that family that I want. Look at my dad, he's a hermit, and I'm scared that I may end up like him because the problem is with me. I can't seem to make a relationship work" he added.
So at that, I continued crying and slowly felt myself sinking into my bed. I began collecting his clothes that had been left at my apartment and told him "If you happen to find things of mine at your apartment, just get rid of them. I don't want them"
"You don't want me to just drop them off on your door?" he asked.
"No. I don't care for it. Just throw it away. If I find anything else of yours here, I'll do the same" I answered.
"I'm probably not the best person to comfort you right now. You should talk with your friends" he said.
"They will just put you down" I answered.
"That's maybe what you need right now. It's okay with me" he said. "I would offer to continue being friends-" he added.
"But I don't want that right now. Maybe in time..... a long time from now, it can happen, but I don't want to talk as friends" I told him.
And it's true. We tried the friends bit after we broke up the last time- that's how we fell into an open relationship. And that's how I passed up chances with other guys because I was in limbo with Sebastian at the time.
"Don't stay single for too long. Take your time, get over me. Don't worry, you will forget me in a year. Thank you for taking me around the world" he said as he closed the door behind him.
He left quietly that day, and I haven't heard from him since. I've been down in the dumps this past week, and when I think about him and us, my eyes fill with tears- like right now for instance.
I spent the entire week at my mom's because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. When I went back to get more clothes, I sifted through the plastic bag that he had brought back containing my clothes. At the very bottom was his pair of jeans- very noticeable from the tag. "Why is he doing this to me??" I asked out loud. Then I remembered- he did the same thing last time as well. He put one of his shirts in with my clothes, and when we met up to give it back to him, our friendship began.
I can only sense that it was done for the same reason again, except I haven't called him to tell him it's in there. I have to drive by his apartment tomorrow to pick my dad up at the airport, and I want to stop by his place and leave the bag on his doorknob without calling or knocking on the door.
I work much better when I'm in a couple. That's how I was programmed. It's difficult to have to let go of someone and move on to be able to move onto the next person. I want to keep my head up and I'm trying very very hard to keep calm and strong.
He is a great guy, but if it's not meant to be, then I definitely deserve someone else.