Unreliable Backup

I met Phillip back in October on POF. We talked for a couple of weeks, sharing about each other's pasts,  before deciding to meet up, although the night we did, we were both already buzzed  (just enough to warrant a 3:00 am meeting in the Wal-Mart parking lot.)

As soon as I got in his car, I was clearly disappointed and no longer seemed in the mood to talk.

His pictures clearly showed a side I hadn't seen on Facebook. The full frontal pose that is. It wasn't that he was ugly... he just wasn't able to make me go "Wow" in my head. He was by other standards... alright.

Phillip was over excited, hyper and very talkative "Wow, you're really cute!" "Thanks" I answered shyly. "Are you alright? You're not really talkative" he asked.

"Yeah, I'm just tired" I told him. "Are you sure? I mean, tell you what- you can leave right now, and I won't be upset" he counter-offered.

I really did consider it, but given the fact that it would be bitchiest thing to do, I decided against it. So what did I do? I took him back to my apartment.

What can I say, I have needs too. 

Once back home, I came face to face to an unpredictable surprise. Can you guess what it was?

Over the next few days, we continued talking, but I was clearly not interested in dating him- he wasn't exactly eye candy. Moreover, he didn't give me the attention I wanted. A week later, he said he'd be joining the Air Force the next year (something which I'd already been warned prior to our first meeting.) I jumped on the opportunity for backup sex knowing I wouldn't have him for much longer.

Didn't quite work out the way I wanted it to.

Phillip strained, and mentioned that he was worried it wouldn't be a good idea saying that I might get attached and get hurt.

We danced around the idea for a while until we met up for drinks one night after Halloween. He had seen my costume and had suggested I wear it one night for a hookup. I considered but didn't confirm anything- until we came back to my apartment for a second try.

(Most of you saw the picture from a previous post)

He spent the night and left early morning as I lounged in my apartment. As the days went by, I tried my hardest to get him to repeat the action, but he was disappointed that I needed to be drunk to perform the act. I don't blame him for wanting me to be sober, but quite honestly, I had 10 times more fun being inebriated.

A few weeks later, I went on vacation, and we continued chatting while I was abroad. I came back with the intention of hanging out, except it never quite happened. He kept canceling plans at the last minute, all of which were playing with my nerves and patience. At the end of December, I simply gave up and stopped initiating the talks. On Christmas day however, he invited me out to a pool hall with his friend to hang out. We hung out for a while until he started talking about how hot our waitress was, and I'd decided it was never going to work out.

I told him good night and left, but not before walking me out. Once at my car, Phillip said to me "So I guess there's no point in taking advantage of you tonight and taking you back to my place?"

[scoff] "Uh nope, not gonna happen" I answered.

"Oh wow, just like that?" he asked.

"Yep, it wasn't going to happen tonight" I told him.

He went to give me a hug as I saw him reach for my lips to which I quickly retreated. I heard him mumble under his breath something to the effect of "Well why do you think I walked you out?"

"Good night Phillip"  I finished.

On my way home, he texted saying:

To which I ended with "Ok."

BS. Friends with benefits means you need to offer a little more effort when hooking up. I'd already done my share of the legwork and didn't really appreciate the fact that he called me out for being hungry all the time.

Dude, it's not like you have a dick made of gold. You're far from it.

***One Month Earlier***

"So am I the smallest guy you've been with?" he asked.

I tried to hold back pity. "No, my first was smaller." 

I lied.

"Oh good, so I'm only the second smallest, yes!" he replied. 

Whatever helps you sleep at night.

"It's embarrassing though. I'm 6' tall and I have a 7 inch penis" he continued.

I've seen 7 inches, and they're quite a few inches bigger than what you've got. What ruler are you using?

One year later....

I just realized that it is my one year blogoversary today.  What better way to celebrate than to summarize the beautiful, crappy, exciting, sexy, and sad things that happened since the inception (no, not the movie) of this Survival Guide along with the things I have learned since then.

A year ago, I was researching my first apartment, and was in a complicated open relationship with my ex-boyfriend Sebastian. Sebastian became a character in this blog and garnered the affection and approval of quite a few readers even though he was very difficult to deal with.  He had excess baggage from his previous marriage, a lot of which carried over into our time.

I didn't speak up enough in the very beginning, but in time, I learned to voice out my concerns and frustrations with the help and support of you, my readers.

Even though I still hold some anger towards Sebastian, it is only because the end came before I wanted it.  Sebastian had always been a gentleman and I can't badmouth him. Things didn't work out between us, but he was great, unfortunately.

During the year, I also managed to go to Europe for a dozen days and explore other cultures. I experienced new things with Sebastian, and visited new places as well.

I also managed to go back to school and continue with the prerequesites for Business Administration. I lost my job at the construction company, and was dumped by Sebastian within the same time period.

I had my grieving period and started dating again- most of which have not managed to outlast the dreaded 2-week period [sigh].

Since Sebastian, I became involved with a few guys where it didn't quite work out. I wasn't romanced and pursued and quickly lost interest in the potential candidates.

I began a new job which showed me how to be part of a bigger team and feel much more appreciated than before. I learned to like and dislike the benefits of being single.

It's been an eventful year so far, and I really have no idea what's on my plate in my personal life from here on out.

The only thing I've got looking up for me is my next planned vacation during Thanksgiving Break: Chile and Peru, here I come!

On a special note:
To my subscribed readers and frequent visitors:

Thank you in the USA to : L.A., Modesto, Alameda, San Fran, Austin, Bourbonnais, Chicago, Racine, New York, Brooklyn, Pinellas Park, Lutz, Greensboro, Bellingham, Minneapolis, Dayton, Nashville, Atlanta, Portland, Phoenix, Midvale, and of course HOUSTON.

Canada: Saskatoon, Toronto and Don Mills

England= my favorite group of people!!: London, Wigan, Bootle, Liverpool, Canterbury, and Manchester

Norway: Bergen and Stavanger

Germany: Cologne, Berlin and Munich

Australia: Melbourne, Brisbane, Sydney, Adelaide

and special recognition in : Ireland, France, the Netherlands, Austria, Switzerland, Italy, Spain, Greece, Russia, Poland, Philippines, India, Japan, New Zealand, Argentina, Brazil and Chile

This blog is for you.
Thank you.

It's Over

I've been neglecting my blog and with good reason.

I've been avoiding having to write this post for almost one week now, but I think I'm feeling ok enough to update what happened.

Sebastian and I are no longer together, and I know a majority of you saw it coming, or didn't see us as a long term couple. Truth is, I didn't see either. I just kept hoping things would change, as all hopeless romantics do.

Mid-last week, I whispered "I love you" at night while I thought he was asleep. I said it twice to confirm, though I can fully admit that I wasn't really feeling it at that exact moment I said. I think the emotions took control of me and because I was happy, I said those three little words. Truth is, I wanted to say it some time earlier, but didn't have the strength to.

On Saturday, we were supposed to meet up at my apartment so we could go get a shirt exchanged that I had given him for Valentine's Day. He had brought back the things I had asked him for from his place, except it didn't occur to me at the time it was more than what I thought I'd left behind. I joked around and said "Wow, I didn't know I'd left so much stuff" as he just smiled. About 5 minutes later, he sat down on my bed and I quickly joined him and said "Ooh! Story time!"

He paused for a moment and calmly began.

"I've sort of been lying to you about not telling you I was awake when I heard you say what you said to me the other night" he said

My face froze.

"And I don't think I'm ever going to get to that point with you." he added.

"Oh, great" I said sarcastically. "It's happening all over again."

I was mad.

He continued talking and said that although I was a good person, he didn't see us together for the long run.

"This time, I can't say I did anything wrong, because I know I was a good person" I told him.

"I know. You're a great person. But we both know that we're each holding back." he said.

I knew this.

"You can't even recognize when someone good to you is standing right in front of you. I was a good girlfriend Sebastian. How can I fight for someone who doesn't want me?" I asked.

This was my reason for not begging to have him take me back.

I've never begged with Sebastian. We never fought or had breaks. We broke up once last summer, for basically the same reason.

"I can't have children with someone I'm not in love with. It's not fair to them" he said.

I know. I wouldn't either.

"And truth is, I'm scared that I may never have that family that I want. Look at my dad, he's a hermit, and I'm scared that I may end up like him because the problem is with me. I can't seem to make a relationship work" he added.

So at that, I continued crying and slowly felt myself sinking into my bed. I began collecting his clothes that had been left at my apartment and told him "If you happen to find things of mine at your apartment, just get rid of them. I don't want them"

"You don't want me to just drop them off on your door?" he asked.

"No. I don't care for it. Just throw it away. If I find anything else of yours here, I'll do the same" I answered.

"I'm probably not the best person to comfort you right now. You should talk with your friends" he said.

"They will just put you down" I answered.

"That's maybe what you need right now. It's okay with me" he said. "I would offer to continue being friends-" he added.

"But I don't want that right now. Maybe in time..... a long time from now, it can happen, but I don't want to talk as friends" I told him.

And it's true. We tried the friends bit after we broke up the last time- that's how we fell into an open relationship. And that's how I passed up chances with other guys because I was in limbo with Sebastian at the time.

"Don't stay single for too long. Take your time, get over me. Don't worry, you will forget me in a year. Thank you for taking me around the world" he said as he closed the door behind him.

He left quietly that day, and I haven't heard from him since. I've been down in the dumps this past week, and when I think about him and us, my eyes fill with tears- like right now for instance.

I spent the entire week at my mom's because I couldn't bear to be alone at my apartment. When I went back to get more clothes, I sifted through the plastic bag that he had brought back containing my clothes. At the very bottom was his pair of jeans- very noticeable from the tag. "Why is he doing this to me??" I asked out loud. Then I remembered- he did the same thing last time as well. He put one of his shirts in with my clothes, and when we met up to give it back to him, our friendship began.

I can only sense that it was done for the same reason again, except I haven't called him to tell him it's in there. I have to drive by his apartment tomorrow to pick my dad up at the airport, and I want to stop by his place and leave the bag on his doorknob without calling or knocking on the door.

I work much better when I'm in a couple. That's how I was programmed. It's difficult to have to let go of someone and move on to be able to move onto the next person. I want to keep my head up and I'm trying very very hard to keep calm and strong.

He is a great guy, but if it's not meant to be, then I definitely deserve someone else.

"How are thing with you and Sebastian? "

I came across some reflection today with my friend on AIM chat. She asked how things were going with Sebastian, and I proceeded to delve into my...... worries....

Me: Things are casual; too casual for my own taste. We haven't really had "the talk" and I think he doesn't want to face it, so I’ve been trying to think of how to bring it up.

 I’m not too concerned for long term at this point, such as "where is this relationship going?" type of thing, since I know he'll tell me the same as before: "For the moment I’m just enjoying spending time with you. I’m having fun with you," let's just leave it at that type of thing. But I at least want him to acknowledge our relationship and make it formal.

I’ve seen that he's kept mum on the subject far too much, and when presented with the opportunity to catch up with other people and what he's currently doing, doesn't mention me at all (which makes me wonder if he's just really private or keeping me secret) and just mentions he's single. I don't know if that has to do with having been "married" and "divorced", which technically makes him "single" a year later to other people who knew him and his wife....

....OR if he's not really certain about this relationship, so would rather not announce anything to anyone in case it breaks up again.

I know you told me not to be pessimistic, and in the meantime, am changing some other things about myself to get around to that, but the "relationship status" is just one thing that has been on my mind lately, because it is important to me.

Maybe it only matters if we both know what we are and what we mean to one another, not caring what other people may think, but truth is, I really don't feel it [dedication] coming from him if he repeatedly states he's single to other people or that Ren is "just a girl I’m seeing on and off."

 In the end, I'm not personally confident in this relationship, and I know I should bring it up to him at one point. He probably has no idea what I'm thinking since I've kept quiet and never initiated the conversation on the topic. I just……. Don’t really see him as the one to have deep conversations with.

And I haven’t hinted any concern on the matter either. "We're just exclusively dating" would be the official status of our relationship. And I, for one, don't really like how that sounds. I’m not 100% comfortable with it as it gives no security and nothing to look forward to say.... 3 months from now. "Take it day by day" is something I’m definitely not accustomed to.

Ok, I talked too much. That's what's on my mind. Sorry to burden you. I just needed to air it out before I actually decide to tell him all of this. Thanks for "listening".... lol.... even though you were away at the moment…

Relationships shouldn’t be difficult or confusing even. They should just require some balanced work between two people and true commitment. And openness; and communication. I only have 50% of the equation, and I really miss the entire formula.

I can't take this relationship seriously, and I know given the circumstances, he's feeling the same exact way. It's to his benefit, so he's not complaining. The guy is good. He's very Considerate and Helpful; Respectful, Generous, Kind, and Selfless.

Things seem to change each day; what he said last week about long term could be overshadowed with other vacation plans today. It's difficult to juggle with his indecisive and contradicting character.

"It happened twice already"

I spent the last weekend with Sebastian, amidst my silence on my health issues. He wasn't too worried about the situation, only stating "And I thought we had seen the last of scares with the Hepatitis last year."

Facebook still says we're single. I wanted to use the weekend as an opportunity to bring it up, but after my "lab scare" felt very hesitant about possibly having to take it back down if we broke up as an effect of my blood work and lab results.

We had been going thru his friends and family on Facebook  when he noticed his wife's cousin had apparently posted a very personal comment on her wall about her marriage. Something along the lines of "Is fed up of being #2 after other women with a husband who doesn't believe in the sanctity of marriage."

We both looked at each other, unsure of what the comment really meant.

"Am I reading this right?" I asked

"Wait, I'm not sure either" he answered.

"Did she just say he cheated on her?" I asked again.

"I don't know.... but it sure does sound like it" he said.

A while later, he got on the topic of relationships. "Most men in our family can't hold onto a relationship. I don't know if it's the men that can't make it work, or if it's genetic" he stated. "I mean, my dad separated from my mom, and then dated no more than 4 years with some other women. As for me, look at me, it's already happened twice."

"Uh huh" I said without flinching.

"I mean, I know it's harsh to say it to your face, I don't know about the future. Or maybe I'm jaded, and it could work out between us two" he concluded.

Damn, I wish a had a recording device to air that sh*t out sometimes.

It strengthens me and makes me treat our relationship super casually. It seems to be what he wants anyway, so why put more effort into it? He seems to be fine with our relationship.

But was he always like this? I only have two other long term relationships to compare ours with, and the guys were very dedicated and passionate about "us." Sebastian really isn't.

When I came back home for New Year's, his Facebook had been left on. His friend messaged him as he was at work, and I told the friend he wasn't home. I told him who I was, and he said to tell Sebastian hello when he came back that evening.  Just recently, I went through his phone (cause I have trust issues) and saw their conversation on his text messages:

Friend: Uh.... some chick named Ren just talked to me through your Facebook.  I thought it was you.
Sebastian: Unbelievable! I leave her alone for 5 minutes! Ok, I'll tell her.
Friend: Who is she?
Sebastian: She's a girl I've been seeing on and off. 

Oh the nerve! That's not what you told me you'd talked about when I saw you that day after work!

Sebastian: So uh.... I see you talked to my friend today. What was that all about?
Ren: Oh, well you left your Facebook on and he messaged you. So I messaged him back to say you were at work. It's all right there on the screen. You can check.
Sebastian: Oh, cause he was confused. He didn't know who you were.
Ren: Uh huh....
Sebastian: Yeah, I had to remind him that you were Ren- the chilean girl.
Ren: Uh huh....

Yeah.... I'm just rolling my eyes now.

You never asked me to be yours [part 1]

Sebastian ended up coming over Friday night to have Unagi Don at my place. I had been craving eel for a few days, and couldn't bring myself to taking it out of the freezer and having it without him.

On Saturday, I went to one of my sister's fishing tournaments. I was hesitant to go because it was being held at a pond where there would be mosquitoes, but it was also one of the last weekends we'd be spending as a family while my grandma was still here. [She leaves to France next weekend]

I admit that I had a lot of fun fishing at the pond. It was a catch and release tournament for kids, but I even managed to catch a 2lb bass. It was awesome. My other sister managed to outdo everyone: In the last minute of the tournament, she caught a 7lb, 26in catfish completely surpassing the previous catch of 4lbs. She was very happy and managed to get the picture in the yearbook.

Then later that night, we went to a Disney on Ice show- totally meant for chicks. I was very surprised. I managed to get tears in my eyes because of how beautiful it was. I've always said that if something makes me well up in a good way, it's definitely worth it.

Sebastian ended up spending the entire day at my place on Saturday, though he wanted to return to his place to pay some bills; but since his birthday was on Sunday (#27) and I was planning to take him to a restaurant around my side of town, I asked him to stay.

I treated him to Fogo de Chao for his birthday lunch/dinner. A very pricey dinner that was. I've never spent $120 (+$20 tip) on dinner for two. It made me a bit nervous to hand over my credit card, but I figured that since he'd always been the one to treat us to dinner, I could do this once a year and hope it was a good dining experience for him.

to be continued on the next blog [my formating is completely off]

I'm sad- why can't you see it?

 Not everyone's perfect. And Sebastian is no different.

Now, I probably consider him the best in a "packaged deal" from all the guys I've dated and been in relationships with. He is/ has

• Good job
• Respectful
• Good mannered
• Funny
• Self-giving
• Great cook
• Spoils me (in good way)
• Good looking

However, I have noticed that there is one minor flaw which I have willingly overlooked time and time again- He is indifferent to my feelings.

He can't tell when I'm upset or when something is bothering me.

Sometimes I sense that he chooses to ignore it.

It happened last night as we were heading back to our cars. We had met up for dinner and done some shopping for some things when he mentioned "I take it you're not coming over tonight?"

"Um, no" I replied. I hadn't packed a bag assuming he'd be the one to spend the night at my place instead. So as he continued talking, I slowly started inching my way to my car and got in.

"Hey! You're not going to say goodbye?" he asked.

"Oh, bye."

"What? No kiss?" he, with a smile on his face, me, with a gloomy, sad look on mine.

Why couldn't you come over? You start work at 11 in the morning.

And we split ways. Once on the road, my eyes welled up with tears. I felt ignored, let down, and forgotten. When I got home, he called to talk as he put his stuff away, never once realizing that I was sad.

"You're not talking much tonight" he said

"I don't know." I responded, as he continued talking about his stuff.

I can't dismiss him as downright inconsiderate; I keep telling myself that the pros outweigh the cons. His "con" has always been his unability to distinguish my sadness with my disinterest. He won't rush out after me if I storm out of someplace; He'll just stay wherever he's at. He really won't console me if I'm upset at something he's done, because he just doesn't know he's been insensitive to me.

It sucks! Even though he likes to plan excursion and events months into the future, I can't put my heart into it; it feels like I'll never be allowed to fall in love with this person, because it's not for long term.

I understand that in order for him to know and understand what I'm feeling, I need to be vocal. Guys aren't mind readers, so when he asks "What's wrong?" and I say "nothing"  chances are he's going to assume nothing is wrong. 

 We've never gotten into a real fight. Maybe it's because we're still in the "honeymoon" phase; we haven't hit the one year mark yet. Then again, I feel like we can't argue because it's not our place to. We're not a regular couple. I'm not his girlfriend, he's not my boyfriend either. This "open relationship" has me walking on eggshells for fear that any negative aspect can send him walking away for good.

He wants to move

Sebastian lives 30 miles from me. It doesn't seem like a lot, but I know he's not 10 minutes away. Usually, it takes me about 40 minutes to get to his place. And when done 2-3 times a week, it adds up on my gas costs.

As I was talking to Sebastian one night, I told him "I wish you didn't live so far! It takes forever to get to your place. I love my area. I've got Walmart, Target, Randall's, HEB, (2 grocery stores) and CVS and Walgreens within ONE block of my apartment, you know that!"

"I knoooow........" he said "whiningly". "Ok, I guess I'll move out once my lease expires and my job moves back into downtown. There really won't be a reason to be all the way up North."

After Hurricane Ike in September 2008, J.P. Morgan Chase Bank moved some of their departments from downtown into the North after the building on Main Street sustained heavy damage against the Category 1 hurricane. One year later, and they are still at their offsite.

Sebastian continued saying "And who knows, maybe I'll even move into your complex and then we'll be thisclose. Your apartment is sooooo much better than mine."

Or we could move in together........

I thought about the prospect. One master bedroom and an extra room to accomodate our stuff. It would definitely save us on rent right?

I quietly mulled it over but didn't say anything out loud. I feel that as soon as I inquire about something that is very beneficial and positive to me, it turns out to be a complete negative pull for him.

We spend most of our weekends together now, and if we didn't live so far from each other, we could possibly see each other more often; even if he does go to the gym during the week, I could still spend time at his place doing some writing until he comes back that night.....

He has even suggested we work out together.

And this morning, I found myself thinking about it again, just to kill time.

Then I realized, No. It would most likely not happen. While I enjoy his company, and he enjoys mine (or at least I hope he does!) I can't help but feel a little anxiety to know that the freedom would be gone if we lived together. I would no longer be able to leave late at night at a moment's notice. In my opinion, there'd be boundaries, and certain rules that must be set prior to moving in.

However, I don't feel like I'd be the nagging one. Even if we  happened to turn into an exclusive item some day, it wouldn't bother me to clean up after the both of us. It's actually relaxing to me, almost therapeutic.

Hmmm.... interesting thought....... I guess we'll cross that bridge if we ever get to that canal.

I support his ranting

I support Sebastian's rants but only because they're negative and about his ex-wife; I'm all ears and paying close attention to find out what he truly hates.

"My wife told me once that I wasn't fun. Then I realized it's not that I wasn't fun, it's that I didn't like her and I wanted to make her life no fun. Ren, she was a [EXPLICIT] [EXPLICIT]" said Sebastian.

"And now, I hope it blows up in her face. I don't want her to be happy. She doesn't deserve to be happy. I was never happy with her. " he said.

"Never ever? Not even once?" I asked

"Hmmm..... maybe 3 days, and that was it. I think the only reason why it has lasted so long with her current guy is because they've never spent more than 3 days together (he's off in Iraq). And I think that's the only way she can function. Because when she spends longer than 3 days with anyone, she just goes batshit crazy. I wasted 2 years of my life with her. She's nice right now, and she'll continue being nice until she gets what she wants. He has the money."

"The biggest remorse I have is this debt between us, because at this point it's the only thing that keeps us on speaking terms still. And the trip to Europe will make the repayment take just a little bit longer. But it is SO worth it.

"Oh, I'm sorry it's going to take you even longer to pay the debt back." I said.

"Ren, Ren listen to me. It's Europe. I am SO glad to be going on this trip"

The Roses

 This story occurred during the previous entry, Plan B.

Sebastian came home after work, with a small bouquet of roses. The first one he got me was on our second date almost 9 months ago. It was 3 roses;  he was the first guy to EVER get me roses so I was happy to swoon over him.

 This time though, I'm completely shocked and numbingly ask him "Am I seeing this right, or am I just really drunk? Will they still be there tomorrow?" Again he laughs as I continue to giggle.

"4 flowers. Hey, maybe next time I'll get my dozen" I mention.

"Hey now. Don't be picky" he said.

"Oh no- I didn't mean it that way. I just meant, if there was a next time, it could be 5. Like, 3 for the last time, 4 this time, and 5 the next time, and I'd dry them out and make a dozen" I explained.

"Oh, hmmm, nice," he said.

I continued staring at them, all the while wondering why he brought me flowers. So I ask,

"Wait- did you buy these flowers before or after I talked to you drunk?"

He laughs and says "After."

"So..... why did you buy them?"

"Just because. I thought it would be nice" he responds.

"Oh... ok" I quietly add.

A few hours later, as the alcohol is slowly wearing off, I start planning my excuse for bringing the flowers to my work the following morning.

"I feel it's tacky to bring flowers into work. Like.... you're showing them off or something, know what I mean?"

"Yeah. So what? Do you want me to bring them to you?" he asks

"Don't be silly. No... I just have to think of something. I mean.... I can't say I got them tonight and had to take them with me, because then that would make it obvious to everyone that I slept at your place."

"Well, just say that your boyfriend got them for you and you wanted to bring them in" he says.

"No........ Maybe I can say I spent the night at my mom's and you dropped them off there. Wait, no. Not believable."

"Then say that I left them in your car" he said.

Wait a second. Rewind! Did he just say boyfriend? That does not make sense. Crap! I had lost my window of opportunity to clarify. Did he just refer to himself as my boyfriend?

I can't ask now without adding too much emphasis on the situation. I wonder what he meant. Maybe he was speaking in general. Flowers=boyfriend. Hmmmm.... I don't know. I don't want to give it much thought. I want to enjoy the peace.

The next day, the vase nearly broke as it rolled off my car when I was trying to get into it. Luckily I caught it with my hand, and saved it. Once at work, I slipped right on by the lobby but not before being questioned by my receptionist.

"Well well well! What do we have there?! Who is it from??" she asked

I realize now that I gave her a smug look (which in my defense felt like an embarassed look) and said "My friend...." and continued walking to my desk.

"Aww...... how sweet!" she said as she placed her hands on her heart.

Once in my work area, I discreetly placed the vase beside my monitor where it wouldn't catch so much attention. No one noticed. Not even my colleague who sits behind me.

It wasn't until after lunch that my boss clearly announced while everyone was in my area:

"Oooooh, what pretty flowers!!! Whose are they? Who gave them to you??" she said.

I didn't dare respond as 3 other people jumped into the conversation asking me who was the guy lucky enough to send me roses. Since they all trailed off into their own assumptions, I didn't bother to answer anything. My direct colleague was surprised as well and when the frenzy had died down discreetly asked me "So who sent you the flowers?"

"Sebastian" I replied.

"Ah hah.... so you guys are... eh.... back together?" he said.

"Oh, I don't know." I responded

"What do you mean? Aren't you guys on good terms?" he asked.

"Oh, yes, of course. Things are great. I just don't know about that aspect of the relationship......" I said.

Plan B

Oh sh*t.

I messed up. But I have a good reason why. Let's attempt to start from the beginning.

My dad came over this weekend from California to visit the family. I ended up staying at my parent's home on Friday and Saturday because that's what I normally do when my dad comes into town. Remember that he lives and runs his business in California, but is still married to my mother. We're still a family, just.... divided across this continent.

Anywho, around Thursday last week, I noticed that I had skipped two birth control pills in a row on my 2nd week. I use my iPod Touch as my alarm, but since I reset it, the volume on it has been acting out and doesn't always make a sound. Granted the alarm goes off, as I see it on my screen- it just doesn't make the sound effect I need it to to remind me to take that pill at 9 pm every night.

So ladies, you must know that if you miss 2 pills in rows 1 and 2, you are supposed to take them right away, skip a day then take the remaining 2 to put you back on track, AND use a backup method for 1 week after. So I told Sebastian about this, and he took note and said "No worries, we still have condoms."

Great.

Fast forward to last night when I drop my dad off at the airport and we're all saying good bye. I had decided I would spend the night at Sebastian's because his apartment is just around the corner. He's still at work when I get there, so I clean up the kitchen, do the dishes and make myself a margarita. Everything is fine. I have another drink, and about 30 minutes later or so, Sebastian calls to see what I'm up to, and it's obvious then that I'm completely drunk. I bust into a furry of giggles and he laughs too and says he'll be home soon.

About 20 minutes later, he enters the apartment with a small bouquet of roses.(To be discussed in tomorrow's blog)

We proceed to take the kissing to the bedroom where he playfully pushes me on the bed, a little harder than I expected and I end up ramming my head on the wall as I lean back. A loud THUD leaves Sebastian with a big GASP look on his face. "Are you okay??" he asks.  "Yeah, I don't feel a thing!" and we bust into a frenzy of laughter.

We then [CENSORED.....CENSORED.....CENSORED], and come back into the living room a while later. He pours himself the leftover mix and I hear my "no babies" alarm- my 9pm reminder for my birth control. I stumble into the kitchen and grab my packet out of my purse. That's when Sebastian turns around to me and says "Hey- weren't we supposed to use protection because of your missed pills last week?"

GASP

"[**EXPLICIT***]!!!!! Oh nooooooooo!!!" I scream out.

"Yeah...... yeah....... nice. So what now? Plan B?" he adds

"God damnit!" I say as I drunkenly stomp my foot into the ground. "Crap Sebastian, why didn't you remember? I'm completely drunk!"

"I'm sorry! I just didn't happen to think about it!" he said as he continued laughing.

"Why is it that when I was younger, I never missed a pill, but now that I'm older and supposedly more responsible, I have problems remembering to take them???! CRAP!!" I said.

"I think, subconsciously, you want a baby." he said

Crap. Is that what it meant? But I know I'm not ready for a baby. I know I don't want one right now. Could it be because I see him as an ideal father figure that I'm willing to accept whatever happens??

"You want this baby don't you??" I confronted him

"I mean, it wouldn't be the worst thing to happen. It would just speed things up" he said."But I'm not ready for a baby. We're not ready for a baby" he concluded.

"Yeah, that's what I thought." I replied.

"So plan B?" he asked.

"Yeah..... I'll do it tomorrow after work"

My opinion on Open Relationships

Why do people insist on saying that open relationships are the worst thing possible?

My friend Jennifer gave me the most disgusted look ever when she asked if Sebastian and I were together and I told her "sort of."

"Why would you do that? So you guys are like what? F- Buddies? He can get what he wants, when he wants it?"


I hate that term, and though it may seem like that's all we are, it's not quite true. We're dating. How is that any different than when other people date? I know that a few years ago, I never would have imagined being in this position, but I can't quite dismiss it as being a terrible idea. Even though we are in an open relationship, we are still honest with each other. And we don't have sex with other people. At the current time, neither one of us is dating someone else. I did date two other guys, but I wasn't ready to the idea of being divided by them.

I think the reason why Sebastian prefers that term as opposed to the boyfriend/girlfriend exclusivity titles is because it scares him. I think commitment scares him because it ended so negatively the last time around, and I can finally understand some of it. I didn't understand it before, but I do now. I guess you have to experience the situation to comprehend the motions, right?

I didn't sleep with BEG when I had the chance; I couldn't. I didn't feel completely comfortable. I have to say that a part of me is....... relieved......... and grateful. If Sebastian wasn't around, I would have gone to BEG out of loneliness, but there weren't sparks to begin with. Maybe it had a lot to do with Sebastian being in the picture.


STDs has made dating a lot harder. Sebastian and I agree on this. And I won't sleep with someone new while I'm still with Sebastian. It's not safe.


BEG and I talked about STDs the other day when we met for lunch. I said that the new generation would have it a lot harder with sex because of the percentage of teens having STDs. He said that they had it a lot easier because 1 in 4 teens has an STD and makes it more acceptable as they become more open minded to the fact.

Ok, so maybe he has a point. I think however the only reason why he feels this way is because he told me he has oral herpes and HPV.

I'm currently happy with Sebastian. I'm happy because I can be joyful with him. He's someone I can spend my time with, share new moments with, visit new places and laugh.

Laughter- that's the most important thing for me.

And I'm not falling in love. It's dating. I won't let my walls come down.

He's happy..... but at what cost?

Things with Sebastian have been zen. As we were having dinner last night at Choo Choo Moving Sushi Bar, Sebastian began expressing his excitement for the Euro trip.

"I'm sooooo excited about this trip, aren't you? I mean I'm sorry about having to cut my family vacation in December, but I don't regret it at all- it's f***ing EUROPE!. This is the biggest vacation I've ever taken!" (He's going to his hometown in Redding, California the weekend after we come back from Europe)

"Yeah, lucky you that you have a tour guide to take you to France" I responded.

I was glad that he had enough enthusiasm for the both of us.

And then somehow, the conversation switched to us being "single."

"You know I haven't been unfaithful to you. I'm pretty happy right now. I went on Plenty of Fish the other day, and even though a girl sent me a message, I didn't feel like responding. "

This left me at a standstill because I couldn't figure out what he was happy about. Was he happy in his life right now because he was single? Was he happy with me? I didn't bother to ask because a part of me didn't want to hear rejection. So I just set it aside. And I've said it before, Sebastian gets even cuddlier when I ignore him or brush him off. Last night, in the middle of our sleep, he rolled over to me and hugged me tight. I don't know if he was asleep or awake, but it felt nice.

For right now, we're just in that "open relationship" even though "I don't want to see anyone else" he said.

Things with BEG and I have cooled down; we had lunch the other day after he got back from a week-long job on a rig out in Santa Barbara, CA. Our "relationship" has not changed- besides the fact that there are no amourous sentiments between us. I had made it clear that I didn't want to be exclusive with him. I wouldn't be able to devote 100% of myself to him; I am still dating Sebastian on the side, though I never admitted any of those things to him. I did however admit that I was seeing someone from my past. I just didn't specify how far back I was going.

We had a pretty good time, a lot of laughs. He had previously mentioned that he was seeing someone new, and still wanted to remain friends with me and hang out with his friends as well. He deemed me as "pretty f***ing cool" and wanted to continue being friends.  I mentioned being uncomfortable around his new squeeze and asked him how he would feel if I brought along a new guy into the picture.  He admitted that even though he had moved on and accepted the fact that I wasn't interested in him romantically, he would be jealous to know there was someone else involved.

Jealousy..... Yeah.... I don't understand that either sometimes. I mean, the only time I even considered being with BEG was when I knew he had found someone new and was spending more time with her than with me. I needed to feel jealous to know that he was worth something. WOW.

As of date, I haven't told him I'm going to Europe. I don't know how to break the news......

A string of mixed signals

Following this week, things went by.... as half expected. I was pushed and pulled into two different directions. Not knowing which road to take, I decided to opt for both.

Though I had officially pulled the plug with BEG and told him I wanted to be only friends, he insisted I kept sending him mixed signals. He even remarked at one point "You sure do hang out with a lot of guys" when I told him I wouldn't be able to spend Friday or Saturday with him because I'd made other plans with my other guy friends. He was convinced I was going on other dates; at which is not 100% true. He wrote asking if I was being "friendly" with my other guy friends. I responded "No." He asked if I was using him until someone else came along. Again, I said no.

No, there are no new guys. Well, there are two others, but I haven't made any advancements towards them. These guys are simply there in the background, awaiting my acceptance to go get dinner. Since I met these guys through Plenty of Fish before I started my relationship with Sebastian in March, I'm not too concerned about what they think of me. They do know that I dated, and they are merely guy "friends" to me. Actually, they're hardly even that since I don't know that well.

So here's a rundown of what happened from Wednesday to today:

Wednesday: I don't know how it happened, but I ended up going to BEG's house for the first time to watch a couple of movies and have Pizza.  The only reason why I agreed to go was because his gay girl friend Lauren was there; I had met her last week at her music show. She was pretty cool, and I actually enjoyed her company. Around 8:30, she went into downtown for practice, which left BEG and I alone. But nothing happened. He offered to cuddle with me, and as I lay my head on his lap, he softly caressed my hand and shoulder. It made me comfortable. By 10:30, I decided to leave and head over to Sebastian, who lives 5 miles away. He had called me earlier that day on my way to BEG's and I had asked him if I could stay at his place after the movies. He automatically agreed. As soon as I walked into Sebastian's place, I crashed on the bed and fell fast asleep.

Thursday: I think I was feeling rather bored and messaged BEG to see what he was doing. Since Flashforward was playing that night, I told him I wanted to see it. This time, I decided to invite him to my place, but he said he wouldn't have a car because Lauren (the gay friend) was going to use it to go to practice. He offered to watch it at his place, and I found myself driving the 30+miles again to his place. We had leftover pizza and watched the show. However, there was so much talking, that I only watched half of it. Lauren later left us alone again to go to her practice.

BEG decided to lay down on the couch and have me lay on top of him. He was slowly putting me to sleep with his caresses when he says "You know, I canceled a date to hang out with you tonight." I quickly shot back "Why??? Don't do that!"

My phone buzzed. I looked at the caller ID: Sebastian. I pressed ignore, and quickly got up; and that's where I think I made it obvious that I had other plans. BEG didn't say anything, but I noticed a shift in mood. Knowing that Sebastian would be at the gym that night, I wanted to stop by his place to catch the first two episodes of Desperate Housewives that I had missed. I said goodnight to BEG and drove to Sebastian's, who was leaving just as I got there. He told me he'd go do some grocery shopping after the gym.  I took a shower there, and got to streaming online. About two hours later, Sebastian called me to say "I'm here at Walmart, in the cereal aisle. Pick any cereal you want."  I thought it was cute the way he offered; I chose Golden Grahams.

Friday: Let me remember..... Oh that's right, I came to my mom's to visit my grandma and sisters. I had planned to stay the night, until Sebastian called me during his break. "Are we.... doing anything tonight?" he asked me.

How sweet, he wants to hang out.

Me: Um.... I don't know..... are we?

Sebastian: I don't know...... you tell me.

Me: I guess we could do something tonight. You hungry?

Sebastian: A little. You want to do Zio's? (Italian Restaurant on his side of town.)

Me: Sure. Let me finish up here, and I'll meet you there.

I decide to talk to my grandma a little more and began to run late. I leave my house around 8:00 and meet Sebastian at the restaurant at 9:00. We have a quiet dinner, enjoy a few laughs and head back to his place. He asks me what we were doing this weekend and I tell him that I made plans with friends when he told me his schedule was going to be different. Turns out he had the entire weekend free, but I couldn't cancel on my friends.

Saturday: I'm to take BEG and his friends to the Rocky Horror Picture Show at the River Oaks theater. When I tell Sebastian this, he asks "Oh, can't I come?" to which I give him a confused look. As I'm about to respond with "Well, how do I introduce you to people? Cause you're more than just a 'friend' " he says "Oh no, it's okay. Go with your friends. I'll spend some time with Jason and Lorraine. I'm making enchiladas today." "Good, save me some" I say.

I'm also supposed to meet my Plenty of Fish friend David for lunch. We met online while Sebastian and I were still an item. He wanted dating advice and we quickly bonded. We shared a platonic friendship, with no ambiguity present between us. We had met in person once to have lunch over the summer and had gotten along very well. We communicate through emails since he is always traveling. I had told him mid week that we should have lunch on Saturday afternoon at a restaurant in my area. At the time, I wasn't planning on spending Friday night at Sebastian's. The next day, I completely lost track of time, and when I saw David's text to meet at 1pm, I soon saw he had sent it two hours previously. It was already 1:10 and I was all the way up north, still 25 miles away.

I felt like shit. I had carelessly passed up on a friend. And I wasn't happy. I had let Sebastian come between my friend and I. I grumpily sat on the couch, and told him what had happened.

"I'm sorry I f**ked with your time" he said.

"Yeah, literally." I replied.

Later that night, I texted BEG to see if he was free, to which he replied he was having a crisis with his friends. One of them wasn't going, and risked canceling for everyone else.

Crisis was averted  as BEG, Lauren and a few other friends, met in front of the theater around 11:30pm. And then I noticed the change. BEG was distant. And I knew why. He had gone on a date earlier that day, and for all I know, it had gone well. About an hour into the movie, BEG is texting someone. I don't read what it says, but I see the name Julie on the Contact slot. It's probably his date. But why is she texting at this hour? it's after 1:30

The movie over, I drive back up to Sebastian's house, who is still up, watching a series online. We talk and kill time. I tell him I want to travel. "We just got back from Austin last week" he mentions. "No, it's not that. I need to get out of Houston. I want to splurge" I say. "You want to do New Orleans?" he asks. "Yes, let's do it." I reply.

We finally go to bed at 4 am.

Sunday: I'm used to receiving a text from BEG in the mornings, but this time, nothing. I don't know if I'm sad or relieved that he's not quite there anymore. But hey, this is what I pushed him to do, right? So I can only blame myself. As soon as all the wonderful things start popping into my head, I quickly begin concentrating on the negative things.....

So where's that bill of health exactly?

I received a text a couple of hours later, but it's a random one. Well..... almost like all his other random ones, but this one doesn't make sense. I reply, but I don't receive anything in return.

He probably sent it to me by mistake. 

Sebastian is still sleeping beside me. I get his iPhone and start catching up on my blog subscriptions.

I'm supposed to go to my neighbor's art show in my neighborhood, but once again, I leave Sebastian's place extremely late. Then, once on the road, I realize I've left the leftover enchiladas at his place. I double head back to his place to get my food. He kisses me good bye and I hit the road once again.

I call my mother who has been at the exhibition for 30 minutes already, and is ready to leave. I suggest we meet for dinner, but she gets lost along the way, and tell her to head back home and stop at a restaurant around the corner. I text BEG to vent out, but he tells me he's busy, sorry and "ttyl".

I've just been dumped.

My first weekend in Austin

The weekend went by just great. It was Sebastian and I's first time on a weekend trip together, and also the first time exploring Austin. We stayed at a Day's Inn just off I-35, about 6 miles from Downtown.

The hotel itself was pretty crappy. It was about $50 a night, and though it included a continental breakfast, the hotel room was not to my satisfaction. Not only was it incredibly tiny as the king-sized bed took up most of the available space, I found hair and a bug on their "clean" towels. The bathroom didn't have a lock, and was so small you had to step into the bathtub in order to close the door. Their linen had some stray hair, and I didn't even want to walk on their carpet barefoot for fear I'd get a foot fungus. I'm very anal about cleanliness, (though I wasn't the cleanest person while living with my mom.)

We left Houston late on Friday night, though quickly realized we were wasting a night stay at the hotel. We rented a car with Enterprise, but because Sebastian didn't have full coverage with GEICO on his car, was royally raped on the insurance portion. The insurance itself was $20 a day, while the car rental was only about $16 and some change. I've always rented with Enterprise, but will not be considering them for future use after requiring Sebastian to get their coverage. (I've never taken their insurance before either, as I've used my own.)

We made it into Austin in about 3 hours and checked in and went to sleep. The next day, we woke up to have breakfast, where I found myself buttering Sebastian's bagel. And no, that's not a sexual euphemism in any way. I really did toast a bagel and butter it for him, as well as prepare him a waffle. It didn't occur to me that I was serving him until after I sat down. It didn't really bother me as much..... I just felt a little silly considering what it meant.

Later in the afternoon, we decided to drive out sightseeing and we went to the State Capitol. We drove around trying to find parking, but couldn't because everything was cash, and the lots were full due to a Texas Longhorn game going on close by. I stopped by the bank to withdraw money, and we continued looking for a lot when we found a parking space right off the capitol ground.

Score! Free parking! (We later realized there was parking all around the capitol ground because it was Saturday)

We took a small tour inside, and took a few pictures. We later walked down Congress street in search of Mexican food, of which we couldn't find within walking distance. After what seemed like a 2 mile walk, we finally settled on the first restaurant we had seen on the way in. We returned to the hotel and took a short nap in order to rest for the upcoming bar hopping later that night.

Sebastian had recently gone to an Atheist meet-up night in Houston and exchanged contact info with a member that night, a guy named J.P. who was going to be in Austin at the same time with another friend (Joe). We later got together at a bar and while they discussed religion, God and Christ, I silently watched Lost Boys on the big screen, often laughing at a funny remark the guys made. We moved over to a Club across the street and had a few drinks.

When J.P walked out to take a call, Sebastian and I decided to head out on our own and go to another club. A few drinks later, and we reunited with the duo going to two other night clubs. At closing time, I could barely walk straight and could feel the impending blisters on my toes from my high heels. We went back to the hotel, requested a late checkout and quickly passed out.

The next morning, I stumbled to the bathroom, and though I felt fine and didn't have a hangover at all, could still feel drunk. We had breakfast in the kitchen, and came back into the room to rest. We got our stuff together, and checked out.

There was an arts and crafts fair on 6th St. and quickly made the lap around. Sebastian doesn't know how to stroll. He takes big strides which leaves me running behind. We went into a Playstation tour bus and played some video games, ate some fried alligator and drank lemonade. I couldn’t take anymore alcohol for the weekend.

Overall, it was a fun weekend. BEG only texted me once, of which I was glad, considering I didn't want to talk with him over aim and texts in front of Sebastian. Sebastian and I got along just fine, though we did have a few disagreements about some sarcastic moments here and there. I soon realized we were finishing each other's sentences and making inside jokes. At one point, he mentioned he'd had a dream where I had told him I had a boyfriend but didn't want to stop seeing him because I wasn't ready to have sex with my new boyfriend yet. I gave him a shocked look as he continued telling me the dream where he felt that I couldn't possibly say that.

Oh my god..... how could this be? It sounds just like me. That's what happened with BEG this week...... I couldn't have sex with him then cause I wasn't ready. How can he see this? Should I tell him what happened?

"Oh shit. That's so creepy cause that's definitely something I would do" I replied.

"Really? That's weird. Anyway...." as he quickly trailed off into a different subject.

He didn't give it much thought, but it got me to think that I really didn't want to start anything with BEG yet. Being out with Sebastian was normal, and I could sense that by being in a relationship with BEG would have me limited to those types of activities. I know I'm only setting myself up for a hard time, but it's very relaxing to be with Sebastian. I know he's not perfect, and I realized that he is selfish; he always wants his needs to be met, while he thinks he's meeting mine. He doesn't meet all of my needs, but a majority he does. I wish I could get him to do certain things which are important to me, but I've come to realize that we need to compromise, and I've noticed he does much more than he needs to, which is why I keep mum most of the time.

(Some art we found on our way back to the car. We really didn't know what to make of it.)

I didn't tell BEG who I was going to Austin with, but when he asked why I was going, I simply told him it was to get out of Houston. I didn't want to enter into details because I didn't want to..... upset him I guess. I thought about our "relationship" a little bit throughout the weekend and I know I won't be faithful if I enter a monogomous relationship with him. At this point in time, I just want to date. However, I will not sleep with someone I don't know well, and without seeing their clean bill of health. Since I haven't seen BEG's, you can bet I won't be getting close to that region........


Sebastian ended up footing the entire bill for this Austin trip. We had agreed that we would split it halfway, but he decided to call it even since he had to give me about $100 for an ultrasound I had had in the summer. Again, this was not something I had requested him to do, he simply felt he could help me out by paying half of the bill. Sebastian said that the trip had been very enjoyable and that we should go to New Orleans next time. I agreed fully.

Once we got back into Houston, we went to Walmart so that I could get safety pins to take care of some blisters I had gotten on my feet. Once there, we decided to buy bread, brie and also fruits so that I could make crêpes. Sebastian spent most of the time on the couch watching T.V. while I made the crêpes- which took forever.

At about 10pm, Sebastian decided to head on home because he had to be in at work early today (8am, normally it's 11). I saw him to do the door where he gave me a deep kiss, which took me off guard. He's not one for smooth kissing; usually, he's sloppy, urgh. I said good night and quickly closed the door behind him. I looked out the peephole to see him off, and right after, he climbed back up the stairs and knocked on my door. Once open, he smiled and stuck his head in to get one last kiss for the night. It surprised me completely.

I snoop for my own bad

I will admit that every once in a while I snoop through Sebastian's phone.

And most of the time, I really don't like what I find.

Be it phone calls or text between his ex-wife, I think I'm just looking for a reason to not like him anymore. But it's getting harder and harder the more time we end up spending together.

As a result, we ended up spending this entire past weekend together. And I know I'm only hurting myself, but it's just so difficult to part ways. It's convenient having him there. I think I want to blame BEG on it for this one, because for the first real weekend on my own, he finally went away to a real jobsite. After months of sitting on his ass without any real job interaction, he got called out to San Antonio to fix a motor on an oil rig. He was away the entire weekend, and we had minimal contact.

Sebastian was there for me from Friday on, continuing to nurse me back to health, alternating our sleepovers between his place and mine. I had to buy him a bath sponge so he'd have one to shower with, and he bought an extra toothbrush to leave his old one at my place. We ended up watching TV most of the time because I have cable, and he doesn't. Actually, he doesn't have a TV anymore because he gave it to me.

BEG crossed my mind a couple of times, and I think it was due to the lack of attention that I usually get from him via text and aim. I've come to realize now that I'm a total starved attention "whore" for lack of a better word. It makes me feel better when I get attention- even if it's not from the right guy. Any attention is good attention. I saw a missed call from him while I was out to dinner with Sebastian, and didn't bother to call back. I mean..... when could I? We were together the entire time, and I felt it would be rude to return the call in front of him, even if he does encourage me to date.

See- that's the part that gets to me. How can Sebastian not get jealous? The more we talked about his past, the more I realize that maybe he's not meant to be with just one person. (And actually, he has told me this before- he doesn't believe in complete monogamy forever. He doesn't believe in the idea of marriage as everlasting.) He's got an awesome character, and I love that about him, but how could you possibly let the love of your life (ie: the Japanese Girl) walk away when you had a chance to keep her? She didn't break up up with him after he cheated on her (with his current ex-wife), he broke up with her. The Japanese Girl was actually willing to make it work, but he decided not to. Now, years later, he talks about regret for not marrying her, and regrets marrying the wrong one.

Was it really love? Or just a notion?

I mean, I know I loved my last boyfriend. I've suffered depression ever since we broke up, and I've never been the same as I was before. I don't smile or laugh the same I used to, and I do regret ending things with him, but I can't keep beating myself over it. It just causes more pain and distraught.


I'm not going to lie and say I don't envision the thought of an ideal marriage with Sebastian- I don't see anything wrong with him. It just pains me that he doesn't view it the same way as I do. And it hurt me even more the more time we spent together because we were getting to a point where we were finishing each others' sentences. We were thinking the same thing, and reacting the same under certain circumstances. I haven't had that happen in years- it takes a long time to achieve that. And even though my heart tells me it's happening with the right person, my head tells me not to enjoy or believe it.

This weekend, Sebastian continued on his search for a car because his Tercel finally died out. I went with him to the bank to help him in getting information about loans- and I felt like we were a couple. I was his support, and he was glad and didn't hesitate to take my suggestions. I loved it. I felt great about being able to help him, and I enjoyed the fact that he was taking my suggestions seriously about what kind of vehicle to purchase. He kept asking me about my opinion on the matter. After much research, he finally decided it was best to buy used instead of new.


I can't help but feel a little jealous about the new girl he will one day replace me with. She'll get to have all the fun driving around in his car.

Late last night, Sebastian asked me if I was planning to come over to have dinner with him tonight because he was going to make spaghetti. I felt a sense of relief being able to say that I couldn't because I was going to spend time with my family. I don't like to give him all my available time. I want to be able to have my own, especially since we're not officially an item. I don't feel he deserves it for me to be on call 7 days a week.



[side note: I wasn't able to update this past weekend because I was involved with Sebastian throughout all 48 hours, and because I've just recently lost my open connection to the internet. While I will make every effort to write daily, I may not be able to publish]