Saturday, October 24, 2009

He's happy..... but at what cost?

Things with Sebastian have been zen. As we were having dinner last night at Choo Choo Moving Sushi Bar, Sebastian began expressing his excitement for the Euro trip.

"I'm sooooo excited about this trip, aren't you? I mean I'm sorry about having to cut my family vacation in December, but I don't regret it at all- it's f***ing EUROPE!. This is the biggest vacation I've ever taken!" (He's going to his hometown in Redding, California the weekend after we come back from Europe)

"Yeah, lucky you that you have a tour guide to take you to France" I responded.

I was glad that he had enough enthusiasm for the both of us.

And then somehow, the conversation switched to us being "single."

"You know I haven't been unfaithful to you. I'm pretty happy right now. I went on Plenty of Fish the other day, and even though a girl sent me a message, I didn't feel like responding. "

This left me at a standstill because I couldn't figure out what he was happy about. Was he happy in his life right now because he was single? Was he happy with me? I didn't bother to ask because a part of me didn't want to hear rejection. So I just set it aside. And I've said it before, Sebastian gets even cuddlier when I ignore him or brush him off. Last night, in the middle of our sleep, he rolled over to me and hugged me tight. I don't know if he was asleep or awake, but it felt nice.

For right now, we're just in that "open relationship" even though "I don't want to see anyone else" he said.

Things with BEG and I have cooled down; we had lunch the other day after he got back from a week-long job on a rig out in Santa Barbara, CA. Our "relationship" has not changed- besides the fact that there are no amourous sentiments between us. I had made it clear that I didn't want to be exclusive with him. I wouldn't be able to devote 100% of myself to him; I am still dating Sebastian on the side, though I never admitted any of those things to him. I did however admit that I was seeing someone from my past. I just didn't specify how far back I was going.

We had a pretty good time, a lot of laughs. He had previously mentioned that he was seeing someone new, and still wanted to remain friends with me and hang out with his friends as well. He deemed me as "pretty f***ing cool" and wanted to continue being friends.  I mentioned being uncomfortable around his new squeeze and asked him how he would feel if I brought along a new guy into the picture.  He admitted that even though he had moved on and accepted the fact that I wasn't interested in him romantically, he would be jealous to know there was someone else involved.

Jealousy..... Yeah.... I don't understand that either sometimes. I mean, the only time I even considered being with BEG was when I knew he had found someone new and was spending more time with her than with me. I needed to feel jealous to know that he was worth something. WOW.

As of date, I haven't told him I'm going to Europe. I don't know how to break the news......

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