Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Being Single Sucks... sort of

There was a point in my life where I had an enormous amount of time all to myself. It was both sad and satisfying. I think as a result, I've developed acute depression. I used to be chipper, and hyper as hell. Then, I moved out of California, away from the sunshine, to Houston and got stuck with the unbearable humidity in return. I spent 4 months in Houston, recently single, without a car, job or school until I decided I'd had enough. I went to France for a little under 6 months to try to knock some joy into my life.

It was probably the worst feeling ever.

I got to reconnect with some old classmates and relatives, but the only thing I was after was attention. I needed comfort and compassion. I needed to be held. I needed to feel wanted and loved again. It never happened. I ended up falling for the wrong guys that wouldn't give anything in return, or worse- desperately accepting anyone who would.

I came back to Houston the following year, with a chip on my shoulder the size of an iceberg. My whole purpose of trekking out to another country was to experience excitement and adventures. Though I got to pick up the language again and managed to create some lasting friendships, I was not the same person I had been.

I was quieter. I still loved to laugh and make jokes with my family, but over time, I became bitter and more negative. I had (and still have) low self esteem, so I always felt that I was never good enough. For almost two years, my friend in France talked to me every single day via MSN. Being single, he could understand the frustration I was experiencing at the moment.

But I found the time to do my own things. I managed to finish my 2 year degree in record time, and for the first time ever, I wasn't actively looking for a partner. I was happy being single. I repeatedly told myself that if I was involved with someone, I would forget about everything else and push my priorities aside- which I did when I started dating at the beginning of this year.

Being single meant being able to do whatever I wanted, at anytime. Granted that I was still living at home and wasn't able to leave at 10pm for say, a visit to the pub, I still enjoyed the ocasional movie in bed. I started watching various series and reading books I'd purchased without looking.  There were no dinners, no trips to the movies, and no one to do special activities with.

In a sense, being single gives you freedom. But being single also gives you solitude, which is dangerous for a person like me. You start to question your entire existence in search of reasoning.

Luckily I've met people along the way, and even though I don't actively spend time with them because they are usually in large groups and I'm rather shy, I still enjoy the ocassional dinner and talk with some of them.

1 comment:

  1. I was not very good at being single. I'm much better at being in a relationship...which is a problem because there's no guarantee you'll be in that relationship forever. Even if you make it, one of you will outlive the other...and usually the woman is the one who outlives the man.