I'm in an open relationship, part 1

.... sort of.....

I subjected myself to online dating at the beginning of this year. I was bored of being alone and not having someone to do something with every weekend.
I created a profile on Plenty of Fish, and soon started meeting guys online. I went on a couple of dates that didn't go anywhere, and a few others that made it through the 3rd.
Then, I met someone who I thought was perfect for me.At least, that's what they all appear to be until the 3rd month mark.

Sebastian (*name has been changed to protect the guilty) was charming. He was a real gentlemen (and still is). We chatted online for two days before we got glued to the phone one Saturday for 13 hours. You read that right- from noon to 1 A.M. the next morning.  I wasn't ready to meet yet; I still wanted to wait a week, but he was so confident that we would "click" that we met the next day.

We were an item after that first date.
We had a nice dinner at Olive Garden. I remember feeling very pessimistic about the whole thing. I just couldn't understand why anyone would want to date me. He had a quirky attitude that made me laugh in my head. He was.... a nerd. We had a lot in common. We both came from California, and had been in Houston for the same amount of time. He didn't have many friends because until recently, he'd been married. He was divorced. Well.... not technically.

He'd been married for two years to a "psycho" b*tch who was very violent. I felt sorry for him, and I won't lie and say I didn't mind him talking negatively about his ex, but I sort of wished he'd had left it there.

A few months down the road, it was evident he wasn't going to shut up about his ex.... or all the girls he'd been with.

I'm very insecure of myself, so when talk of an "ex" comes into MY conversation, I get very defensive. I wish they would stay in the past like they are meant to. I, personally, don't share any ties with any ex-boyfriends, though I've dated 2-4 years with a couple. They're an ex for a reason, and I don't stay friends. If it didn't work out before, why would it work out afterwards? I swear by that motto.

Well, I did until Sebastian came along.

Things with Sebastian were perfect in my opinion. He was attentive, sweet, caring, and protective. He was the man I'd never had before. He could be geeky and cheesy, but I loved it. I never fell in love with him, but I loved him. I loved his character.Almost 4 months into the relationship, Sebastian broke up with me unexpectedly. We had a date, a movie, and then we parted ways. I was upset because I thought we would spend that night together. I texted him that I was upset, and he came to see me about 15 minutes later at my house. And he broke the news there. I remember him saying he wasn't completely over the idea of his failed marriage (the divorce had since been finalized), and though he wouldn't go back with his ex-wife, he didn't want to continue with me because he didn't see it going anywhere. He didn't want to hurt me. I got the "It's not you, it's me" line.At the time, I believed it, because I didn't think I had done anything to merit a dumping. With time, I realized that some couples aren't meant to be. And in truth, about two months earlier, I felt a frog in my throat. I somehow knew it couldn't work out. The thought of the exes, the incessant reference of the exes and the wandering eye hurt me. He was great, just..... not what I truly needed.

We broke up, but two days later got "together" again. But we weren't a couple. We were just..... doing the same things a couple would do. The wining, the dining, and the sleepovers.

A few weeks later, I decided to go back onto Plenty of Fish to kill time. I soon received a few messages, and connected with a gorgeous guy. We agreed to meet for coffee the following week.

I spent the weekend with Sebastian and went to a birthday party. I met some of the friends he had never introduced me to before. I was soon very confused. That night, I went back home, and with tears in my eyes, heard my phone ring. It was Sebastian.

"I need to know what we're doing. We're hanging out like a couple, but we're not. I need to know if there's a chance of us getting back together so if not, I can move on" I said.

He told me he enjoyed spending time with me, but didn't think we'd work out in the long run. He was still hurt from his previous relationship and didn't want to date anyone (besides me) for the time being. I'm certain sex plays a big attachment in our relationship.

The next day, I hung out with a friend and told him of my problem. We both agreed that I needed my own time, away from visits and phone calls from Sebastian. Problem was, I wasn't strong enough to follow through with it.

I went on my date, which was a disaster (at least in my opinion). The gorgeous guy bored me. I was still hurt by Sebastian's breakup, and silently fighting back tears. I left the gorgeous guy and went to see Sebastian. I told him about what had happened, and we both had a "nervous" laugh over it. He was personally happy that I was dating again- or at least attempting to date.