He had agreed to meet some friends at 7pm so we couldn't hang out for too long. I enjoyed his company and I managed not to think too much about Sebastian. I didn't feel overwhelmed or short of breath either. No welling up either at this point. The blue eyed guy was very nice again. He was courteous and tried to get a handle on his foul mouth. Turns out he had already warned me he was very vulgar in person, but would make an exception with me because he didn't want to turn me off. And that he did. And I liked how respectful he'd been, and careful. I know he won't be able to hold it down for too long, but all that matters to me is him making good few first impressions at least so that I can get comfortable.
We talked about our plans for the weekend, and he mentioned he'd like to meet up sometime to do something. Since my grandma just arrived here from France this week, I've decided to reserve this weekend specifically for family. Sebastian had already asked me if I would be coming over as well. I told the blue eyed guy I would see if I had free time to hang out and let him know.
On the ride home, I thought a bit more about how I felt dating this guy. Sebastian was still there. In my heart and my mind, though not for very much longer. And as much as I loved spending time with Sebastian and cared for him, I knew he would just continue hurting me. Our conversations always include one of his exes, which drives me to jealousy over and over again. I'm sensitive to that, and would wish he'd leave it in the past. I'm pretty sure he doesn't do it out of malice, and I'm almost tempted to say he doesn't know how to dodge the subject. Yet, how difficult is it to say "I did that once" versus "My ex-wife and I did that once." Or even worse: "My ex-wife used to hate it when I'd lose my erection because there were kids around." I mean, really?? Do I have to know that?
I don't know, maybe I am too sensitive when he talks about his past- something which we did discuss once when we were still together. I agreed on his point of view, but am I wrong though to feel jealous when he talks about previous experiences with his exes- especially if it's sex?
Maybe this is the whole point of dating. Weeding out the bad ones, and finding out what you like and don't like. Not rushing things and not settling on the first guy that shows up.
Sebastian is great though. He's caring, sensitive and passionate.
Yet that EX factor will always be there, and that hurts.
I don't know how long I'll be able to keep the blue eyed guy under wraps. Or finally start taking him seriously. I know eventually I will have to come clean to Sebastian and put our special friendship to rest. Lately, I've heard him venture on and on about how happy he is being single. Sort of. To my face. I try to pretend it doesn't bother me, but deep down inside, I know we'll never be together.
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