I know someone with AIDS

I hung out with my cousin from California at the mall the other day while she was visiting her dad for the week.  We caught up on a lot of stuff- family, friends and boyfriends. I hadn't seen her older brother who was now living in NYC since the one time I'd gone to visit the city, in March 2009. Back then, my cousin had suggested I come visit him and had offered to let me stay at his place. I planned my trip, and my good friend also booked her flight to go visit her family in New Jersey.

My intentions were to sleep at my cousin's and meet up with my friend during the day to go out and explore the city. However, my cousin pulled a disappearing act and never returned my calls or texts about my incoming visit. I was very disappointed. I ended up staying with my friend's family instead, but managed to get a visit in the city with my cousin and his boyfriend. Yes, he is gay.

However, the visit was rather tense, and things with the boyfriend sort of rubbed me the wrong way. Since then, I haven't spoken to my cousin. When I hold grudges, I hold on to them for years.

Fast forward a few years to that day with my cousin at the mall, and I explain to her that I hadn't talked to him since then because of what had happened.

"When was this?" she asked.
"Around spring of 2009, why?" I asked.
"Well, ok, I know he was going through a hard time, right around that period-" she said.
"Oh yeah, I remember. My mom told me he'd landed in the hospital for like a month, with pneumonia or something" I continued.
"Yeah, but..... okay, you can't say this to anyone- not your mom, dad- no one, but my brother has full blown AIDS."
My mind went completely blank.
"Oh wow. Not HIV? But AIDS?" I asked to make sure.
"Yeah, AIDS" she responded

I didn't ask her too much about it, but he's known for three years now. He doesn't know how long he's had it because he started being promiscuous years ago when he was a teenager (I think he's 28-29 now.) Over the years, he just kept getting really sick, having problems holding his bowels, until finally he ended up in the hospital. I remember my mom telling me about the hospital stint, but I never assumed it would be because of AIDS. You just can't think of things like that.

His boyfriend and he have been together for over three years now, and when I asked if he'd gotten tested, my cousin told me he didn't want to. It was moot at this point. He didn't care if he had it.

No one else knows- my aunt doesn't want to tell anyone in the family because of the stigma attached to it and I can understand. I mean, she didnt tell my parents that he was gay until this summer. I've known for 3 years so far.

I felt bad for him, because I couldn't possibly imagine how his life had changed since he'd found out, and I haven't spoken to him since exchanging a Facebook hello in the last few weeks. What's more difficult is that I'm not supposed to know, so I can't express any concern or offer encouragement, so to me it's like, he's fine. Nothing's wrong and it's a lie I have to hide.

Be smart. Protect Yourself.

I have HSV-1

I neglected writing and for good reason.  Cowardness and fear.

I've been putting this off for almost a week because I was only considering writing when I got my results.  And now that I have them, it's time to be honest and open.

A couple of weeks ago, I started talking to a new guy who messaged me online: "J". He seemed too good to be true- blue-eyed, attractive and witty. He wanted to meet right away but I told him I wanted to see how the week went by first over the phone before setting anything up. Throughout the week, we texted and talked some more, and it was obvious that we were getting along very well. I told him about RHPS and he was sold on the idea, so for our first date, we agreed to go to the Riveroaks Theatre at midnight to catch The Rocky Horror Picture Show.

He came to pick me up at my place near 11:30, after I'd gotten home from my friend's birthday party. Tipsy and jittery from drinking Jägerbombs and Red Bull, I nervously greeted him at his car where he proceeded to hand over leftover brisket he'd made that day for his friend's birthday party.

First meeting and already cooking? This is great.

I'll admit I was extremely nervous, and I'm sure the Red Bull only made it worse, but I didn't exactly feel the instant connection the moment I met him. He looked exactly like his pictures, so I don't know why I wasn't completely sold. However, we got through the night and afterwards went to a 24-hour diner and had something to eat. He took me back home around 3:30am where we shared our first kiss.

I remember not feeling up to meeting him again, but decided to let go of my fears and see him again the following day. I'm glad I did.

The next day, we went to the museum district where there was a mini-Oktober Fest going on. We bared through the extreme heat and sat near the reflecting pool and talked for a while before realizing we were sweating buckets when no breeze was coming through. We later left to go get dinner and headed back to my apartment to watch a movie. We spent the rest of the evening talking and really getting to know each other. And that's when I realized this was different.

Things with Matt and Nate had always been left in the air. "We'll play it by ear" said Nate; "School's very important for me" said Matt. With J, I could feel I was getting validation and that we were both looking for the same thing: a relationship. Although his lack of experience in the relationship department put me on my guard, I felt like I was getting real answers.

J and I hung out again the following week and had a great time. J spent the night and that's when it happened. I felt a little bump on my lower lip, slowly start to grow. This is weird. I wonder what it is. When the bump didn't go away overnight, I checked it in the morning and felt my heart began to race. I told J "I need to talk to you. Have you ever had a cold sore?" J's eyes widened and he stopped dead in his tracks.

"No, why?"
"Because I feel something on my lip, and I don't know what it is." I told him
"Let me see" he asked as I showed him my lower lip.

"That doesn't look like a cold sore. Cold sores are supposed to be clear and with puss. Yours doesn't look anything like that" he reassured me. "Well how do you know if you've never gotten one?" I asked him. "Cause I've seen pictures" he told me.

Out of precaution, I didn't kiss him as we parted ways that morning. He checked up on me a few times later during the day, asking how I was feeling and if my symptoms had changed. On my way out of work, I told him the truth and told him that it had grown more and was starting to form a fluid-like blister underneath, white/clear/yellow in color. I told him I was on my way to the clinic to get tested that evening. He continued reassuring me over and over, and told me not to get stressed as it could bring on more problems.

I was scared. What does this mean? Is this a deal breaker? How did this happen? Who gave it to me? So many questions were flying through my mind, leaving me hopeless and confused. I waited nearly an hour to be seen by the doctor who said "Yep, it most likely is a cold sore. We can get you tested if you want, but it's not necessary, and it's kind of expensive" she said. "That's fine. I'd rather know now for sure. How much?" I asked. "$90" the assistant said. "And that's for both 1 and 2 [HSV]?" I asked. "Yes" she answered.

I had already tested three weeks prior for the full STD pannel when I'd mysteriously gotten sick, except the doctor who checked me saw "no need to test for herpes since there are no symptoms and so many people have it. Will knowing you have it change anything?" she said.  I didn't know she hadn't tested me for HSV-1/2 until I got the results in the mail the following week. When they tell you "everything came back normal" over the phone, it only matters on what they actually tested you for. Apparently in my case, it wasn't EVERYTHING, and I'll never know if I already had it before I met J.

Throughout the waiting period, J kept reassuring me and comforting me that having oral herpes would not be a deal breaker. "I can tell this is bothering you and affecting how you feel because you're not calling as much. It's ok. So many people have it. There's a good chance I have it too, but have never had an outbreak."

We continued seeing each other and hanging out, but not kissing. The blister slowly started receding while I used Abreva for the days after my visit at the clinic. On Tuesday, I called out sick from work after feeling incredibly sore and called the clinic for my results. "The doctor noted on your lab that the test for HSV-1 came back positive." "So it's oral herpes then" I said. "Yes," the assistant said, "but you shouldn't worry too much about it. About 80% of Americans have it."

Upon hearing the news, I immediately called J to share the results. "I tested positive for HSV-1" and broke down in tears. J felt hopeless and tried to comfort me as much as he could over the phone. "I'm sorry. I wish I was there to help you feel better. Please don't be upset. It's going to be ok. It's not so serious."

At the moment, I felt fear, anger, weakness and most of all, shame. "I took care of myself for 25 years. I had a pretty good run" I told him. "It's okay, you just need to take care of yourself now and be more careful with your health. Don't get stressed, keep your immune system in check so you can prevent future breakouts. I really didn't want you to think that this would be a deal breaker because I noticed how quieter you had gotten over the last few days" he said.

After getting off the phone, I felt a great moment of relief. I'd finally let it off my chest, and I slowly started putting the worry away. I talked to Nate about it who immediately freaked out (just as I had) and went to get tested the following day. His results had been negative on his last visit as well, so I'm waiting on him to see if he has it or not; but at this point, the issue is rather moot. I could have caught it from him, Matt, Jordan or any cup I'd sipped from, though unlikely.

I confided in BEG who had also admitted to having the virus to me last year, but never having a cold sore. The more we talked, the more he reassured me and eased my mind and fears. "Welcome to the 80%" he said, "and don't worry about that one guy [Nate.] Fuck him for being ignorant on the matter."

Later that night, I called my mom and told her the news. "Herpes on which lips?" she said, and we both started laughing. "Be careful cause you can get them down there too!" she said. I have to say that I was happy to open up to my mom. She reminded me that she had  herpes, though in her case, it affects her chin, and hadn't had a breakout in almost ten years before she had one this past summer. [Heat triggers her breakout] "It's something you'll have for the rest of your life, but it's not something to get too worked up about" she said.

Though I'm not thrilled by the result, and the stigma that comes from it, I feel better about it today than I did last week or last year. It's not an STD. It's an unfortunate virus I got from sharing spit with someone who probably didn't know they had it at the time either. I'm done trying to put the blame on someone, and I'm hoping people will learn to be open about it and get rid of that ignorance. Chances are your favorite actor has oral herpes cause of all that smooching for the silver screen.

J came to see me yesterday and took me out during my lunch hour. I felt better and happier to know that he was still there. I couldn't help but smile when he said "So when do I get to kiss you again?"

He has Sexomnia

Sebastian has sexomnia, what can easily be described as "Sleep Sex, a legitimate medical disorder."

I admit I'd never taken this condition seriously prior to meeting him, as I considered it downright impossible. But then he told me he had experienced it twice in his previous marriage, and left me in a curious and "huh??" state.

Then I remembered this one girl who would masturbate in her sleep if she went to sleep on her back, (or was it her stomach?) and there was the typical sleepwalker. Sebastian told me that when he was younger, he'd go to the extremes of going to the kitchen and make himself and sandwich and eat it in a state of parasomnia. He'd carry full length conversations with people before going back to sleep. I asked him how he knew and he said "Because my dad told me."

I found it very humorous and interesting. I asked him what would trigger it and he said he didn't know. He only knew he'd become violent if he was involved in a fight right before going to sleep; which is why he told me we'd never share a bed following a fight. We've never fought, so I haven't experienced this event. I asked him what I should do if I found him sleepwalking and he said to utter the words "You're asleep" and he would drop right back into his sleep.

Then one night as I lay next to him in bed, he awakened me in the middle of my sleep by rolling over me and kissing me deep. Still half-asleep I thought it was one of those middle of the night sessions (which we'd never had.) I tried kissing him but was drowsy and was trying to push him off because I wanted to use the restroom. I never made it out of bed.

Caught up in the moment, I let the act progress until all of a sudden I hear him say "What's going on?"

Confused, I face towards him and answer "What do you mean?"

"How did I get here? How did we start?" he asked with a hint of surprise in his voice.

"Were you...... asleep?" I asked him, half expecting him to say no.

"I....think... yes. Oh my god, no way" he answered.

"What??" I replied.

As we finished the deed, I turned on the light and tell him "Are you serious? You weren't awake at all? How is that possible??" I told him

"I just.... don't remember. What happened?" he asked.

"Well, you started kissing me pretty hard, rougher than normal, than you took off my pajamas and climbed on top of me and started......" I explained to him.

"Really?" He asked with a devious grin on his face.

It had indeed happened, and I was still shocked. Since then, it has happened more than a handful of times, and each time I'm surprised out of my sleep. It isn't apparent to me of what's happening until I'm completely awake and I'm able to judge his movements.

He moves aggressively and there is no foreplay. It makes me laugh, yes. His moves flow more smoothly and there are no pauses; almost like a robot with no interruptions. His thrusting happens to be at the same speed and he doesn't wake up until he's having an orgasm. I've been tempted to turn on the lights and say "You're asleep" just to see what will happen, but being the selfish creature that I am, I don't want to cut the action short. Plus, most of the time, I don't realize what's happening until a few minutes into it, and I always assume that he must have awoken by then, therefore don't want to sound like an idiot by saying the phrase.

In time, I've come to notice that he experiences sexomnia when we haven't seen each other and had sex in a few days. The last time it happened, he told me he'd been dreaming when he experienced it.

"About what?" I asked.

"That you and I were having sex" he answered confused.

"Funny because your dream became my reality" I said.

A relaxed weekend

I must update to let you know the positive reinforcements in my life at the moment.

My weekly visits to the gym have been going great. I’ve been averaging every other day at this point. And I managed to get in early Saturday morning as Sebastian was still in bed. I really didn’t want to leave him alone, but I was very bored and wide awake, and had a sudden spurt of energy. I didn’t want it to go to waste, so I asked him if he would mind if I went.

“You joined a gym? I didn’t know that” he said.

Yeah, I didn’t want to say anything for fear I wouldn’t have fast enough results, or procrastinate.

“Yeah.” I answered

“Do you like it?” he asked

“Yeah, sometimes. Sometimes I come out the same- still frustrated. But other times, it gives me time to think about things.” I told him. “I’ll be back in about an hour.”

When I came back, he actually seemed to be a little more excited than me about working out. With a smile he asked “So how was your workout?”

“Hmm, pretty good actually” I answered honestly.

I really haven’t “lost” real weight (I'm still yo-yoing at this point)- but I noticed I was able to fit in a pair of pants a lot better this morning. And the abs crunches are amazing. I totally feel the burn about 30 repetitions in, but I force myself to keep going for a full 60. I feel great afterwards.

I had my first set of classes at the college last week also- I’m taking Math ( Finite with Applications) on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 5:30 to 7:00pm, and on Fridays, I have my Microeconomics class from 6:00pm-9:00pm. My next classes begin next month.

I actually have to admit that I was bit disappointed by my Micro teacher. I looked up online reviews prior to enrolling, and saw that he was upbeat and fair in grading; however, once in class, he didn’t stop cracking jokes and wasting time telling stories about his life in India. I’m actually very interested in this class- it’s for my major, so I really want to learn something! If it was any other core requirement like biology or chemistry, hell, I wouldn’t care if the teacher talked all period long. But when it concerns my major, I become very serious. I just hope he’s not like this all semester long.

My doctor’s nurse called me this morning to review my lab tests from last week. My potassium levels came back normal, which meant I was just dehydrated the day of my fasting. My hepatitis B came back reactive (which is normal, considering I was vaccinated 10 years ago) and my RIBA test for the Hepatitis C came back negative, just as expected.

So all quiet on the health front.

I’m going to the gym again today because I have no prior commitments- class, friends, Sebastian.

This past weekend, we stayed mainly indoors at my apartment. It was very relaxed and enjoyable. Sebastian made shrimp rolls last night, and made me another set and packed it for me to bring for lunch today. I couldn’t help but think that it was extremely sweet of him to do so and think that maybe this was his way of showing “emotion and compassion.” I guess we all show it differently…. Right?

Lab results

[Continuation of "Something's wrong" written 2 days ago]

I awoke that day, feeling more anxious than I ever remember feeling. I slowly got up as Sebastian came to kiss me goodbye to leave for work.

Today I get to find out what's wrong. I'm sorry Sebastian.

Work was particularly slow, but I tried to make the best of it. I was leaving about fifteen minutes earlier to make it to my appointment on time.

Then, when no one was looking, I did some research.
Herpes and HPV.

At this point, I don't know which one I'd rather have.

Herpes Simplex Virus 1- aka: Oral herpes, "cold sores"
Herpes Simplex Virus 2- aka: Genital herpes

[Deep Breath]

HSV-1..... "Herpes often unknowingly spread"; "Sometimes Asymptomatic"; "At least 50 million persons in the United States have genital HSV infection."; "HSV-1 is usually passed from person to person by kissing. HSV-1 can also spread from the mouth to the genitals during oral sex.  If this happens, it becomes a case of genital herpes."; "both HSV-1 and HSV-2 can be spread even if sores are not present."

[pause]

Shit.

I know BEG admitted to being diagnosed with "cold sores" but didn't have a breakout when we dated.
Why did he tell me it was cold sores, when it's in fact Oral Herpes? I wonder how many other people confuse it the same way.

Cold sores ARE Herpes. Presence of the HSV-1 virus. "As many as 50% to 80% of adults in the U.S. have oral herpes." So it's obviously very common, but it's not as uncomfortable as genital herpes. I think my mom has herpes, but she gets it on her chin. It's been years since I last saw her breakout, but I remember it used to come once a year or so. I was very little, so it never occured to me to ask her what it was. The only way I concluded she had it was because it reappered every year and she would treat it.

"Lives in saliva, sharing kitchen utensils or drinking glasses can also allow infection"; "ocular herpes, when herpes infects the eye."

[keep reading]

HSV-2: "Roughly one in five American adults has genital herpes."; "The textbook symptom of genital herpes is a cluster of small fluid-filled blisters that break, forming painful sores that crust and heal during several days."

No, that's not what I have..

" ... some people may have just one or two outbreaks in their lifetime."; "No cure. The virus lies inactive in the nerve cells until something triggers it to become active again."

I was starting to accept my fate. I was starting to understand the disease and not worry so much.

HPV- aka Human Papillomavirus.

[ok, let's keep going]

"HPV infects at least 50% of all people who have sex"; "Possibly asymptomatic for many years" "HPV can cause genital warts"; "Passed through bodily fluids, through intercourse."

BEG told me he had HPV back when we were together in September for the last time, but I know for a fact he couldn't have given that to me.

"Some people clear the infection without treatment."; "Over 100 strains exist"; "High-risk HPV strains include HPV 16 and 18, which cause about 70% of cervical cancers."

I just completed the Gardasil treatment this past November. It protects against types 6, 11, 16, 18.

Then I remembered that men are not likely to get tested. In fact, if they have no symptoms, they can't be tested. Sebastian could have it, and never know if he doesn't experience an outbreak.

I had put my mind at ease. Even if I knew having either virus would affect my life dramatically in the beginning, I said to myself  "You're not alone. There's a good percentage of people who have it and they're ok. Hell, one of your best friends has HPV, and she's ok."

I went to the doctor and waited an hour to be seen by my doctor. She's very chipper, so she'll give you bad news in the same tone as good news. This happened to me last year when I tested positive for the Hepatitis C antibodies. I got so scared I cried in the chair. I retested soon after with the RIBA test which was negative. (Hepatitis C affects your liver and can cause death if not treated adequately.)

"So, your tests came back and it looks like-" she began,

Oh shit, here it goes.

"your potassium levels are very high. This could be caused by eating too many fruits or.... are you eating a lot of bananas.....?"

I couldn't help but smile and nod my head no.

"Or caused by dehydration-"

-I nodded yes-

"Which could be very possible considering you had fasted prior to the exam;"

I know this- I've been tested for dehydration before, and whenever I come see  her, I have them test my urine. I ALWAYS have a urinary tract infection, and I'm not very responsible when it comes to taking the antibiotics twice a day, so they never clear up. That, and I just don't drink enough water throughout the day. I don't get thirsty. I average half a bottle of water, approx 10oz, when research shows you should drink at least 64oz.

It just gets harder for me to drink water. That's my only excuse.

"You have a bacterial infection though, which is causing you to have the UTI" she mentioned.

"What about herpes?" I asked

"Uh.... no. Negative to both 1 and 2"

It wasn't making sense.

"What about HPV?" I asked her again.

"That'll be on your pap smear, and that's in the other room. I'll be right back." she said

A few minutes later she comes back reviewing the results and says "Ok, your pap came back normal."
(The following is just one page of the 5 page report)

OK, I guess I better tell her now.

[Avert your eyes now if details gross you out.]

"I found a bump in my genital area last Thursday. It didn't hurt. When I checked on it two days later, it was still there in the same size, but when I touched it, white stuff came out" I described.

"Like a pimple?" she asked.

"Yes." I said. "I still had it this morning, diminished in size, but when I checked before coming here, it was gone, so there's nothing to show you anymore."

"It could have been an infected hair follicle, or viral infection. Either case, herpes gives you a cluster of blisters that are filled with clear pus that will break and scab over."

And they hurt right?

"Let's do a second round of bloodwork for your potassium levels and your Hepatitis C because it came back positive to the antibodies like last year" she said.

I took a seat in the lab and sat still as they drew blood for my tests, taking the first sigh of relief.

Once back home, Sebastian called me to ask how I was doing. "I went to the doctor today. She said tests came back negative. But I have high levels of potassium and Hepatitis C that she wants to retest" I told him.

"See, I knew there was nothing wrong" he comforted me.

Thank you for your optimism, but you wouldn't have been feeling the same way if you'd experienced what I did.

For the record, we abstained from sex until I could talk to my doctor. I didn't want to possibly put him at risk, not knowing the results. Plus, the thought of BEG was riding in my conscience the entire weekend. Would I have to tell him I'd been with someone else "in between" our "relationship"? We've always talked about safety and being monogamous while with each other.  He's like me- he's not promiscuous because he doesn't want to become infected.

I guess all I can say at this point is..... crisis averted. However, it definitely opened my eyes and made me more aware of this infectious disease that a great population is suffering from. I'm glad that I read up more and learned not to be biased about these STDs.

To those who are infected, I respect you for being brave and learning to deal with this difficult experience.  I pray that you get to live a carefree life while others learn and become educated to understand your hardships.

To the readers who expressed concern and prayed- Thank You. It was one of the most sincere gesture I've ever experienced.

Something's wrong

Something isn't sitting right with me, and it's yet too early to say anything about it. The time has come to see if I'll actually be truthful to the title of this blog- "A Survival Guide to Young Adulthood."

I went in for my pap smear and blood work last Friday the 8th. My doctor wasn't in at all last week (though I was aware) and she told me that someone from the office would be calling me to review my results. About Wednesday afternoon, I missed a call from one of the other doctor's nurses (each doctor is assigned one nurse at their office) and left a voicemail saying to call her back. It was already too late, so I left a message. Next morning, nothing. Afternoon, and still nothing.

Then the next morning while showering, I noticed it.
A bump.
One that shouldn't be there. 

By late evening, I was starting to worry.

I called again Friday morning and decided to talk to my own doctor's nurse about getting the results from my labs, and she told me they hadn't been transcribed yet. I asked if there was something I should know right away about my results and told me I'd have to schedule an appointment with my doctor to review. So I scheduled for the next available date.

I felt depressed, scared, frustrated and anxious.  My heart beat faster than normal, and I was uncomfortable.  

This is not how I wanted to start the New Year.

Thoughts flying through my head.
Am I being punished for BEG? 
Is it even possible?


The weekend was dreadful, and Sebastian knew something wasn't right, but was completely calm and supportive of my inability to say what I felt was wrong. I never told him I had found a bump. I worried that he would freak out. Let's face it, I can't tell him what's wrong about something I don't know.

For now, all I can do is wait for my appointment...... and hope that the anxiety doesn't give me away.


[update 1/20/10: "Lab Results" ]

Current Updates

With the New Year comes New Resolutions. In recent years, I've been able to keep 2/3 of them, mainly because I am realistic and only aim for 3. This year is no different. My resolutions, (although not goal-oriented ones) for this year are:

1. Being more physically active/ Exercise
2. Continuing with School
3. Working on optimism, happiness and self confidence.

A few blogs ago, I realized I needed a change to help extinguish my depression. Sebastian has way too much self confidence and a big ego, which leaves me vulnerable and feeling very low.  I know that by being this way, I am putting my relationship at risk. No one wants to hang out with a pooper, and I've been told by a few people, Sebastian included, that I need to be active to help boost my mood.

So on Monday, while extremely bored at work, I began thinking of ways to become more physically active, and concluded that the gym was the best way to go. I went to the 24-hour fitness website to look for trial passes, and googled my way to a 14-day pass instead.

 Once out of work, I hesitated for the full 20 minute ride back to my apartment. Following are the excuses and roadblocks I was giving myself.

Will I have the time?
Classes start soon.
I'd like to get that part time job for the Census this year.
Will I truly commit to going every week?
Can I really afford the $30/month on my budget?
What schedule should I follow?
Should I eat before/after?
What am I really expecting from this?
I still have to go to the college enrollment office today.
I'm very sleepy.

As I pulled into the parking lot of my complex, I gave myself one final push:
Quit making up excuses and do it already! What's 1 hour a day going to cost you? A bag of chips in front of the TV, that's what!

So I went to my college campus to enroll in the classes, and went back to my apartment to get a change of workout clothes. I drove to one of the gyms and was immediately intimated by the full parking lot.

I bet there's a lot of "resolvers" in there.
I'm embarassed to go in.
It's too full! I can't park anywhere.

And I chickened out until the "other me" told me to keep driving to the other gym, just 2 miles down the road.

Once at the other gym, I felt a little more optimistic, yet still intimated. I remember a few months back going into the same gym with a member, and being hassled into signing up before even starting the trial.

You're not going to get me this time. I'm going to try it out on my own terms. No pressure.

I did the tour, and the counselor tried to get me started, telling me the offer was expiring on wednesday. I told him I'd still want to try first to see if I could really commit. He let me go, and I started on the treadmill, walking for 25 minutes, and running for the last 5. I continued with weights, working on my arms and abs.

I left nearly 90 minutes later, feeling very good. I repeated the same task the following day and felt energized and hyper. I went home, took a very long shower and felt great.

I've only told a few people about my new routine, but have not mentioned it to Sebastian. I don't want him to think that this is a phase that I'm going to drop right away, or point out that I don't look toned or thinner if I don't get results fast enough. I've barely begun to change my eating habits and incorporate more vegetables and fruits. It's tough, but I want it to work.

I'm mainly doing this to boost my energy/mood levels and give me endorphins. Losing weight would be an added bonus.

So here's to a new start.

A better me.

Am I a prude?

It's 2009 and I'm being conservative and safe with my health.

SEX

How do you know you're not making a mistake?

I can count the number of guys I've been intimate with on one hand. That's it. That's all it takes. 1, 2, 3, 4. In 9 years, I've only had 4 guys.

In those 9 years and 4 guys, I've only had to physically turn down 2 other guys that were already packing. Reason being? Sexually transmitted diseases. I'm scared shitless of them. That's quite the way to put a damper on a hot situation.

Roger* was one of the guys I had to turn down. We dated for a few weeks, and one night, met in a bathroom of a friend's house while at a party. At the time, I hadn't had sex with anyone since my last boyfriend, the previous year. One full year without sex, and it didn't bother me one bit. Actually- it just made me even more nervous to be intimate again after so long.

We locked the door behind us and he started fondling me. That night, I remember I was wearing one of these so I could fit into a tiny skirt:

He tried hard, but didn't get anywhere. The farthest he got was to pinch a nipple. I now consider it to have been my chastity belt. I haven't used one in a while now.

He had told me of how many partners he'd had, and that number terrified me. "I really don't know. About 30 or so."

Hmmm... yeah, ok no thanks. I'm not going to be a number on your list.

He tried hard to get me to follow him to his place that night, but I wasn't up for it. I couldn't stop thinking about the 30+ girls and any STDs he could possibly have. We'd never even discussed it because we'd never been really serious.

BEG became #2. We had talked about our bills of health and he had admitted from early on that he'd been diagnosed with HPV (something which I still don't believe because men cannot be tested for it) and oral herpes. He said he'd gone to the doctor when he'd noticed a white pustule/hair follicle near his penis. I can't remember where he said exactly; I've since forgotten. I asked him when was the last time he had been checked and he'd said "Right before my ex- 3 months ago. So if I got anything else, I got it from her."

After continued conversation, I found out he had slept with another girl after his ex, which was now making up 2 girls post test.  We took it pretty far, but I had to put the brakes when I felt a scab on his penis; I didn't see it because the lights were off. To this day he has not let the "I pleased you  and you left me completely hanging" argument. "I'm probably not going to let this one go for a while." he added.

So my personal feelings are that if we haven't spoken about STDs or shared our medical reports, I will not sleep with you. I know that reduces my chances for having sex by a great deal. I know there are many STDs that can be cured nowadays, but I can't shake the feelings about the ones that can't. And who's to say that the next guy I meet won't turn me down because I get herpes from one of these sexcapades?  Condoms don't protect against everything- especially not HPV.

Does that make me unrealistic or health conscious?

Is it polite to......

Is it polite to offer information for weight loss when the person doesn't even mention it?

That's what happened to me.

So I'm not the slimmest person out there, and I know that I have extra pounds on me, but what really bugs me is when people openly suggest I try out a new herbal/pill remedy or diet that they've been following, when I haven't even mentioned anything about losing weight.

I don't talk about diets with these people. I'm currently comfortable with my own weight, or else, I would have done something about it.

Plus, the guys don't seem to mind. I think I win them over with my personality. That, and the big boobs seem to help out too. (I don't flaunt though. I've never worn a low cut shirt in my life. I'm very conservative in the way I dress)

Anyway, today, my secretary asks me "Not to get in your business or seem rude, but what size pants do you wear?" "Comfortably? I can wear a size 13."

See that's the problem I have with pants sometimes- or shirts for that matter. I have thin legs, but a belly and am top heavy. In other words, I think I resemble a chicken.

Even though I don't have an ass. I wish I did.....

That's me and my cousin in NYC this past April.

So my receptionist tells me that her daughter started this new treatment with  a doctor and a nutritionist. The daughter has a lot of clothes that don't really fit her anymore because she has lost 10 lbs so far. At first, I'm confused.

Is she giving me clothes or trying to refer me to a nutrionist?

 About an hour later, her daughter comes in and I say I notice some change on her. She's a police officer, so everytime I saw her, she'd be wearing her vest which made her look like a tiny hen.

When I was actively dating, I'd put "a few extra pounds" on my profile. When the guys would meet me, they'd all say the same thing: "You're not heavy. You're normal."

Thanks for the compliment.

I just wish the ones who really did use "A few extra pounds" were not "obese" like I saw quite a lot.

So the daughter starts going on about the treatment, and tells me it's actually a pill that she takes to suppress her appetite, and all she did was to eat fruits and vegetables for the first two weeks. In two weeks, she lost 10 lbs. Great for her.

So she gives their business card and tells me to expect to spend $200 for the first month and $50 for every month plus the pills as needed.

Ouch! In case you didn't know, I shop at the thrift store!

I, for one, don't want to use pills. I did buy them at one point, right when I had turned 18. Then I read all the side effects and warnings, and that was enough to make me go back to the store and return them. To me, pills are either placebos, or drugs with the same effect as speed which makes you burn calories faster. So it makes me a little uncomfortable when I have to say that I don't want to follow a pill treatment because

1. I don't have that kind of money
2. Don't believe in it (or else, I would have gone to GNC and bought myself a pack)
3. Don't think it's safe (if it hasn't been evaluated by the FDA)

My dad has always told me that the only way to lose weight is by cutting out junk food and exercising every day.

I've only done the first.